Eastwick s01e06 Episode Script

and over here,we have witch's field, so named because back in the olden times,witches would gather here to party and drink potions and turn people into flying monkeys and such.
It says here it's because 156 women were burned at the stake on this spot during the eastwick witch trials.
On account of the parties and the flying monkeys.
Where is the regular tour guide? Our regular tour guide has been suffering a little bit of memory loss - I was attacked by ants.
- And I'm filling in.
One thing i do know,in fact,is that tomorrow night is halloween,which is kind of like new year's eve here in eastwick.
It's a very big deal.
In fact,we have quite a unique ritual we use in order to celebrate that has to do with letting go of r'st yeas baggage and starting fresh.
You with the weird shorts.
Are those coffins? You bet your ass those are coffins.
Would anyone like to guess what's inside them? - Corpses? - Ew.
No.
Demons.
Metaphorical demons.
We decorate our coffins the way you might decorate an easter egg, and then fill them with whatever has been haunting us this past year debts we've finally paid off,letters from old boyfriends, a leather vest that looked great in the shop but ultimately created a boob sweat that was totally not worth the hassle-- anything that might symbolize a burden.
We throw 'em in the coffin,bring 'em to the giant witch, and tomorrow night,we light it all up and watch it all burn.
Sounds le a party,right? And here we have one of eastwick's newest and most prominent citizens,mr.
Darryl van horne.
You here for the tour,darryl? 'Cause it's 10 bucks without pie.
Oh,no.
Don't mind me.
I'm just here to participate in the festivities.
Although,I'm sure your pie would be delicious.
It's like you've stepped out of a '70s porno and into my life.
bun,do you believe this guy? Bun? You okay? That poor woman looks as though she's developing heatstroke.
I'd take her home if I were you.
All right,ladies and gentlemen,don't forget to tip your tour guide.
that man.
What about him? What's wrong? He scares me.
- Why? - I-I don't know.
okay,let's everyone start heading back to the bus.
in the name of the father and of the son and the holy spirit.
Amen.
I-I-is this part of the show? who wants pie? What a weirdo.
Leave her alone,you ninnies! Can't you see that she's just been to a funeral? that's when he came walking through my door.
hi,pretty girl.
How you feeling,superstar? I think I have a tumor.
Really? Did I say "think"?I meant "hope.
" I hope I have a tumor.
No hoping for tumors! You had a bad week,that's all.
Oh,yeah,you think? Let's see.
I lost my job I lost will.
I ran a pastor out of town with my stupid front page story.
Oh,did you guys see his wife on the news this morning, begging for him to come home? Yeah,I couldn't just stop at ruining my own life,could I?No.
I had to drag innocent people into the fray.
Pastor dunn is not so innocent.
You did catch him in a whorehousewith whores! so big whoop.
He loves whores.
I got fired for writing a false story about darryl.
I slept with another man while I was supposed to be on a date with will, and now he hates me,and he should! Because I suck! I'm worse than the pastor whoremonger.
Will is a great guy.
And he's smart and he's tall and he's handsome and he's sweet and he's sexy and he's kind and he's funny and he's generous and he's-- where are you going with this? And--and he has a big heart,so just apologize.
I have.
Well,apologize again and again and again until he forgives you.
Why is this so iortant to you? Becausi want you to be happy,and,uh I think that you guys can really work it out.
Yeah.
Men don't hold grudges the way women do, especially if there's a chance they might get sex out of it.
I don't deserve to be forgiven.
Yes,you do.
Joanna,you deserve will.
Just-- just give it another try.
I bet you he comes around.
And if he doesn't,I'll kick him in the taint.
okay,I'll try.
there you go! Good for you! Yay! maybe take a shower first.
okay.
on the count of three one two three.
On the count of four.
One twothree aren't you lucky? why haven't you called me back? Because I don't want to speak to you anymore.
How does dissing work in your country? Look I know you're upset about your friend getting fired from the paper, but I swear,all the formation I gave her on darryl van horne was completely accurate.
Except for the stuff that was wrong,which was all of it.
You're responsible for joanna getting fired.
- He's lying! - You're lying! See how this game can just go on and on and on? - look,um,penny-- - jamie,I can't see you anymore.
You ruined joanna's life,which is kind of like ruining my life.
And why would I continue to have sex with someone who ruined my life? Thanks for the memories.
and this is the broom you use to light the bonfire each year.
We're letting allan heinberg emcee the event tonight, since you're not quite up to speed.
Do I like allan heinberg? Everyone likes allan heinberg.
Gee,sure hope it wasn't allan's funeral I was at yesterday.
I may have amnesia,but I'm not an idiot.
What are you getting at? You ad my mind,bun.
I-I guess I did.
It was a bit weird.
Is that normal for you? Have you always had that ability? Honey,I'm still trying to figure out how much cheese I can eat.
How am I supposed to know whether or not I used to have psychic powers? So you admit you have them.
I admit I had them yesterday,and that is all I know.
So when you had it yesterday, and you were inside my mind like that, did you by any chance see whose funeral it was? your--your friend who was killed because of the statue.
Which friend?Who? W-what statue? oh,my god.
Oh! Well,that's all I know.
I It's fuzzy.
I-I-I'm sorry.
your friend because of the statue.
oh,my god.
I have to go.
Bun,I'll meet you right back here this afternoon,okay? Oh,that girl has too much energy.
Hi! hi.
Wait.
What are you doing here? Did clyde give you your job back? No,no,no.
He kicked me out and threatened to call security.
But until he realizes that I snuck in through a side door, I'm gonna win will's heart.
how? Uh,I predict that there will be some begging involved and perhaps a lap dance.
really? Oh,hey.
What are you doing here? Actually,I'm here to see you.
I have been thinking about things and you and things in-- in relation to you and-- and how everythin went down with me and you and-- - joanna-- - I'm just so sorry.
I know you are,and,uh, I forgive you.
You do? Yeah.
I thought about it, and I realized you must've been in a pretty emotional state to do what you did, and I've been there.
So does this mean that you'd consider giving me another chance? Oh,no.
I'm sorry.
I - I just-- - the truth is I've - moved on.
- Aw,snap.
"moved on," like,how? Just you know on.
Like--like on to another person? Will? Look at me.
You will tell me the truth.
Is there another woman? Yes.
Well,at least I hope so.
Who is she? Your friend kat.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
I'm gonna I should get going.
I-I'll see you later,joanna.
see?I told you not to trust those crazy bitches.
Too soon.
uh,I don't--I n't like this seated pose.
why don't I just stand like the statue? you know,I've often pictured you on top of me, but it was never quite like this.
- I just saved your life.
- Yeah,thanks.
I saved your life and changed the future.
Come again? you're not gonna die.
I'm not going to your funeral.
My vision is not gonna come true! I-I finally did it.
I changed the course of fate! Screw you,destiny! You're no match for roxie torcoletti! excu mE.
chad! What does chad have to do with any of this? Mr.
Van horne.
Babe.
Dude.
What happened? What happened is that you bolted this statue to its base incorrectly, and your shoddy workmanship almost killed me,and so now I'm gonna fire you - dude.
- Darryl,wait.
I'm so sorry.
I-I didn't mean to-- I don't want to look on you for another second.
Now get out child.
(I'm sorry.
) hey.
You know,if the face is intact, I could just move this to the eastwick inn.
Good idea.
Why did you tell me to go for will when you already knewhe had a thing for you? - who told you this? - Will told me this.
Will told you about the kiss? You kissed him?! Mm,no! just for,like,a second.
It was that night when everything went crazy because of the moon.
It was a crazy moon kiss.
It meant absolutely nothing,I swear! And if it didn't mean anything,then why didn't you tell me about it?! Good question.
And not only did you not tell me about it, you weut of your way to convince me to humiliate myself in front of him, when you knew full well he would reject me! No,I didn't think that he would reject you.
Thout that if you guys got back together, that I wouldn't have to say anything because the point would be mute! - Moot.
- Didn't I say "moot"? You said "mute.
" You are this close to losing your jell-o privileges,mrs.
Greenberg! I just can't believe that you would do this to me,kat.
Oh,god.
I am so sorry.
Joanna,I wish that I could undo the whole thing.
I mean,especially because I don't know why it happened the first place.
Obviously,I have zero feelings for will.
I mean,yes,okay,he's cute.
But the only person I care about here is you.
The last thing i would ever want to do is hurt you.
Well,you have a weird way of not hurting me,kat.
joanna.
Oh,I just-- I think that maybe we shouldn't talk for a while.
hey.
Your mom said I could come up.
you're still mad at me,aren't you? Why would I be mad at you? Because I said you were embarrassing and basically called you a loser.
Itas a rhetorical question,mia.
I know why I'm mad at you.
Well,I didn't mean it.
whatever.
It's not like I have any illusions about how most kids see me at school.
I justdidn't realize that you were one of 'em.
I'm not.
My mom just got me so worked up, I wasn't thinking when I said that stuff.
Usually,people are the most honest when they're not thinking about what they're about to say.
I know this because I'm a blurter.
Like when I saw your feet,I noticed how much I liked your toe ring.
And if I wasn't mad at you,I probably would've mentioned it.
You just mentioned it.
My anger remains.
Look,how can i make it up to you? Seriously,I'll do anything.
What are you doing tonight for halloween? Oh,hey.
I'm so glad you called.
wha-- what the hell were you thinking,telling joanna about us? Nice to see you,too.
And I shouldn't even use the word "us" because there is no "us.
" Real?'Cause I thought I felt a spark between us that night.
No,you didn'T.
You know why? Because i am not the type of person to betray a girlfriend like that.
There is a code,will-- chicks before sticks.
I thought it was "bros before hos.
" The point is I hurt joanna.
And the only thing I care about is fixing that and making things right between us.
Look,I could understandf joanna and I had been a couple, but we never even went on a date.
And the one date we were supposed to go on, she stood me up to sleep with another guy.
Irrelevant.
fine.
But if tre wereno joanna? Then I would still be a married woman.
I thought you were separated from your husband.
We happen to be bird nesting.
What-nesting? it's a complicated living arrangement designed to decrease stress in the lives of my five children.
And I don't like you,okay? So just deal with it.
excuse me.
please don't make me get up.
go away,kat! I don't want to talk to you! When a person doesn't return your messages it doesn't mean they want you to show up at their door.
Pastor dunn? So where are we going? "The spirit is willing,but the flesh is weak.
" I knew.
Yet I entered into temptation.
But you've released me,miss frankel from my hypocrisy, from the burden of my position in this town.
And now to tha you,I will release you.
Oh,great.
You can just drop me here.
I will release you from your spiritual burden.
That's cool.
You--you don't have to.
"I will take vengeance and will not meet thee as a man.
" you know,pastor dunn,your wife has been very worried about you.
She's been--she's be looking for you.
Maybe we should call your family.
pastor dunn,look into my eyes.
You will do what I say.
"thou shalt not suffer a sorceress to live"! Penny,right? Backstabbing slut bag,right? Oh,I see that joanna told you about will.
Yes.
Joanna tells me everything.
You know why? 'Cause we're best friends.
Remember those lockets that we all had when we were kids, and one person would get the "be/fri" and the other person the "st/ends"? She's my "st/ends.
" Which is why I came here,actually.
Um,I know that you love joanna just as much as I do.
More.
More than you do.
- "St/ends.
" - Good.
Um,would you mind calling her just to make sure that she's okay? I keep calling her,but she won't pick up, and she's not returning my messages.
Yeah.
Sure.
I mean,she always answers when I call her, but,of course,that is what you do for your "be/fri.
" I'm just worried about her.
You know,she's been depressed lately, and I'm just afraid that this thing might push her over the edge.
Feeling guilty,are we? you've reached joanna frankel.
Please leave a message.
she must have gone to theathroom.
Wait.
Where--where are you going? Something is wrong.
I can feel it.
Wait.
I really used to wear this thing? Yep.
Every year.
Tell me the truth.
Am I stupid? you're awfully cheery.
Thanks to you,I saved a man's life today,actually changed the future.
It feels pretty damn good.
Hey,sweetie.
How was your day? Remember when I told you I liked josh, then you told me I should talk to josh,and everything would be fine? Okay.
Yeah,remind me never to lisn to you again.
If you'll excuse me,I have to prepare for my social exile.
Gotta love kids.
What the hell was that this morning? Bun,you remember chad.
Whatever happened to standing by your man? I don't know.
Are we suddenly in a country/western song? How could you just do nothing while that jerk ripped me a new one? - I tried.
- No,you didn'T.
I'm gonna go and pee.
What do you want me to say? That statue almost killed him.
Darryl had a right to be upset.
You know,I don't even care that he fired me.
'S a jerk,and I was getting pretty sick of listening to you two banter every day anyway.
Excuse me? We don't banter.
You banter and-- and you flirt and you razz each other and you flip your hair and you giggle and you wiggle your boobs at him.
Okay,I'm not having this conversation again.
Are you gonna pick me up for the bonfire tonight or not? I'll take that as a yes.
- joanna? - joanna? Hello? Joanna? Maybe she went for a-a walk.
I'm calling the police.
Hi,I need to report a missing person.
Now I'm not sure how long she's been gone for, but from the looks of the ice cream, I'm guessing about an hour,maybe two.
So h-- are you kidding? That's a real thing? they say that she has to have been missing for 24 hours.
Well,tell them that she's been missing for 24 hours.
But I just told them about the ice cream.
I blew it.
look,is there any way you could make an exception just this one time? 'Cause I actually think it's a pretty serio-- no? Okay.
That's fine.
Thank you.
You suck.
we have to go to roxie.
what's roxie gonna do? I don't know,but I'm sure she can help us.
I seriously doubt that.
I mean,no offense, but she's never struck me as the brain trust inour little trifecta.
So I think I'll find joanna on my own.
Suit yourself.
that's quite a power drill you got there.
I've always wondered what people use those for.
Drilling anything interesting? S-so this is where you've been staying,huh? It's very cozy.
I saw a pottery barn catalog with a very similar feel.
Maybe I should use my amnesia as an opportunity to start a new,cooler life.
You look great.
Let's go to the party.
roxie? Roxie? oh,Thank god.
You're here.
What's going on? I think that something bad happened to joanna, possibly really bad,and-- and I need you to have one of your vision thingies so we can find her.
I thought you didn't believe in my vision thingies.
I am willing to suspend my disbelief right now, because I'm desperate.
So come on.
Go into a trance and figure out where s is.
It doesn't work like that.
The visions just come to me.
I can't control them.
well,then what good are you? - Don't yell at me.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I just feel like something terrible is going to happen, and joanna already hates me because I kissed will.
You kissed will? And maybe--maybe I'm just being paranoid because I'm feeling guilty, but I don't want not do something just to prove that I don't feel guilty, because I actually do feel guilty.
But even if I didn't,I would still say we have to do something.
- So let's call the police.
- I already did! You think at iould choose psychic vision over cops? Are you always this bitchy when you're freaking out? Sometimes.
What? What is it? The keys burned my hand.
Joanna's keys? They feel fine to me.
They're on fire! Bun,what are you talking about? She's having a vision.
She's psychic like me,remember? Well,then why would joanna's keys be on fire? - the bonfire.
- The bonfire.
- Let's go.
- Oh,no.
I don't feel well.
Okay,bun,you wait here.
We'll come back and get you later.
Come on,roxie.
Let's go.
Um,excuse me.
Have you guys seen this girl-- joanna frankel?She's missing.
Damn! She's hot.
I would definitely tap that.
please.
Like you've ever tapped anything but yourself,lover boy.
Excuse me.
Have you seen-- oh,it's you.
Would you like to sit down? Only because my feet hurt,not because I like you.
what's going on? Joanna's disappeared, and I don't know what's happened,but it can't be good.
I mean,maybe she threw herself off a cliff.
Are there many cliffs in eastwick? There are roofs.
And she's been really depressed lately,and it's because of me.
I mean,I ruined her life.
I thought I ruined her life.
I know that I dumped a lot on yhe other night but the truth is, it's my fault that she got fired.
I should have checked out your story more thoroughly before I just threw it in her lap.
I am the fact checker,after all.
It's just you confuse me with your musky man smell and your accent that makes me want to throw you down on a bed and eat you like a crumpet.
And I don't even know what a crumpet is.
I-I-I could help you find her,if you like.
Don't worry about it.
I should get going.
You still don't trust me,do you? I don't know you.
That's all.
hello.
What's going on? Well,I thought we should have a talk.
- What did you wanna talk about? - You seem nervous.
Are you nervous about something? I don't know.
you shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't be where? In eastwick? In this house? Anywhere.
You shouldn't be-- you remember everything,don't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
No,I think you do.
oh,well,don't you look adorable? Are you going trick-or-treating? How'd you get in here,mr.
Van horne.
Well,bun let me in.
I came here to take your mother to the bonfire.
But it looks as though she left without me,so I guess I'll just see her there.
Good-bye,bun.
I'll talk to you later.
I'm going to meet a friend at witch's field.
Take me with you.
Yeah.
Sure.
help! you know,let's go find my mom,so you can hang with her,okay? You know,it's funny that you're embarrassed to be seen with me.
you actually did it.
You wore the costume.
Well,you told me to,didn't you? Yeah,but I didn't think you'd really do it.
So I take it we're not going trick-or-treating then? Would you have gone trick-or-treating just to make it up to me? Josh,look at me.
I mean,this is what I'm wling to do,just to make it up to you.
That is awesome.
No,it's sad,but that is how much I like you, a very sad amount.
- So am I forgiven? - I don't know.
You didn't get the little red circles r youcheeks quite right.
Okay.
You're forgiven.
- Good.
- Will you just kiss already? somebody help me! Help! this is ridiculous.
How are we ever gonna find her? Is that pastor dunn? I thought he disappeared.
Yeah,'cau joanna wrote the article that ruined his life.
pastor dunn! Pastor dunn! Pastor dunn! Um,we're looking for joanna.
Joanna frankel--do you have any idea where she might be? Hello? We're talking to you.
Freak show.
You're too late.
What? - Oh,my god.
- Oh,my god what? Bun said my friend would die because of the statue.
That's the statue.
The funeral was for joanna,not darryl.
What are you talking about? Joanna's inside one of these coffins.
He's going to burn her alive.
Pastor dunn? Oka I-I need to go figure out which coffin joanna's in.
Maybe I can get her out of there.
No,kat.
It's too dangerous.
Do not go anywhere near the fire.
Look,there's sheriff teaser over there.
Go talk to him before the pastor gets away.
I'll take care of the fire.
- Kat.
- Okay.
Okay.
you need to put out the fire! What?The fire! Put out the fire! No,it okay,lady.
It's safe.
Bue'thers someone inside the fire! You have a flat tire? What are you doing? I have to save joanna.
She's inside,and I have to get her out.
Calm down.
You can't walk throughirE.
No.
It's gonna be too late.
No,let me go! No! Let me go! I am not gonna lou hurt yourself.
No,I have to get in there! God! Joanna! Joanna! I have to get in there! God!Joanna! I have to save her! I can't just let her die,will! Joanna! Joanna! hi.
But I don't want to go to the hospital.
It's just for observation,sweetiE.
They have pretty good brownies on tuesdays.
Well,I'm fine.
Really.
You are going to the hospital,and that's final.
Probably a good idea.
thank you,will,for helping get me out.
Don't thank me.
Kat's the one who tried to walk through fire to get to you.
You tried to walk through fire? I've never really had girlfriends before.
I'm still figuring out boundaries.
Um,is it okay if I hang out with josh a little longer? Sure,honey.
Just be home by midnight.
Wait.
Josh,have you talked to chad? We were supposed to meet up,and then things got all crazy.
Uh,no.
But if I see him,I'll let him know you're looking for him.
Thanks.
I'm so glad you're okay,sweetie.
Oh,anedi talk to sheriff teaser.
He says he's definitely on the lookout for pastor dunn, but he still may have some questions for you.
I can't beeve he's still out there.
they won't let him get too far.
They'll find him.
Don't worry,okay? Okay.
You ready,bun? If that's okay with you.
Get some rest.
I am really sorry about our fight.
I'm sorry about everything.
Well,you hurt me,kat.
You did,a lot.
But you know what? when I was stuck in that box,I had some time to think about some things.
Will alhas ways been this like,shining,golden possibility.
But he doesn't really know me,and I don't really know him.
And he certainly doesn't love me.
You,on the other hand you walked through fire for me.
If that's not love,I don't knowhat is.
I'm really lucky to have a friend like you.
Oh!If my life was a doughnut,kat, you would be theamy filling.
You know,if it was a pizza, you'd be the cheese.
If it was a roast beef sandw you'd be-- you're really hungry,aren't you? so hungry.
But I do forgive you.
And more than that,I love you, and I'm so sorry that I called you a copper-headed beeyotch.
- No,you didn'T.
- Yeah,I did.
I did,to roxie and penny anD - the guy at therocery store.
- I forgive you.
I guess I got really lucky it started raining when it did,huh? yeah.
I guess you did.
oh! God.
You know,if you're thinking tonight is a good night for a booty call, you are more twisted than I thought.
Haven't you heard? They found your friend.
What do you mean,found her? Found her where? The whole town's talking about it.
She was inside one of the coffins at the bonfire.
Pastor dunn was trying to kill her.
Oh,my god.
Is she okay? She's fine,apparently.
They took her to the hospital.
Well no,I-I'd be happy to drive you to the hospital if you like.
I don't geit.
I mean,I'm kind of being a jerk to you.
why are you being so nice? Look,it's the least I can do.
You tried to help me,and I appreciate that, and I'd like to win your trust back.
Why? Well,for one thing,because I like you, and your accent makes me want to throw yown on the bed and devour you like a blueberry scone.
I love scones.
And also because I need you.
Why? Look,I need to expose darryl van horne for the evil and deceitful man that he really is.
I still hope you can help me do that.
How do you know that he is just so evil? Because he killed my mother.
Oh.
It seems that I've missed the festivities.
Well,that's what you get for showing up five hours late.
I was installing my statue at the eastwick inn.
It looks magnificent,by the way.
Plus,I was trying to make a grand entrance.
Hello,bun.
Are you all right? not really.
It was such a terrible night.
Go to hell.
Do you want to talk about it? I can't right now.
I've gotta get bun home.
But I'll call you later.
is it just me,or was this the longest day ever? If I had known this morning that it was joanna I was supposed to be looking for, we could have prevented this whole nightmare.
- Roxie-- - I know.
I'm not blaming myself or you,obviously.
I guess the lesson is,I need to figure out how to understand these visions more specifically if I'm gonna change the future.
You can't change the future.
There are things which have beeset in motionwhich cannot be undone.
We can't change destiny,no matter how hard we try.
Son of a bitch.