Ed (2000) s01e06 Episode Script
Home Is Where the Ducks Are
1 Forget it, because you never listen to a word I say.
I'm done with this.
Carol just broke up with Nick.
What do you want from me? I thought maybe we could be Be friends? This right here was never about friendship.
Hi.
How are you holding up, you know, post-Nick? Good.
You know.
Okay.
Bad, actually.
I-I'd have to say I'm kind of bad.
( people chatting ) ( honking ) Okay, people all eyes on Senor Stubbs.
As manager of Stuckey Bowl it is my honor to introduce to you the CEO of this grand institution.
Let's give a big Apollo welcome for your host Mr.
Edmund Stevens! ( cheering and clapping ) Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Phil.
It's Edward, actually.
Whoo! Testify! I want to thank you all for joining us on opening day of the very first annual Stuckeyville Bowling Tournament.
So, without further ado here to fire the starter's pistol say hello to His Honor, Mayor Wally Kendricks.
Evening, folks.
Before I trigger the old pistola let me just say this.
Election Day is drawing near and my opponent, Mr.
Ludwig is making a lot of promises.
Now, in all my years as your mayor Shoot the gun.
All: Shoot the gun.
Well, okay.
Okay, okay.
Let the tournament begin! ( clicking ) Uh, uh, just a second here.
Let the tournament begin! ( clicking ) Kablamo! ( cheering ) Mr.
Mayor excuse me I would like to apologize for Phil's behavior back there.
Please that boy is like a son to me.
Anyway, um, I just really appreciate you lending some dignity to the proceedings.
Well, being the mayor of a small town does have its privileges and I suppose emceeing a half bowl-a-thon is one of them.
All due respect, sir this is a full bowl-a-thon.
Of course it is.
( laughing ): Yeah.
Sure.
Stevens, I need your help with something.
I want you to represent the town of Stuckeyville in a legal matter.
Wow.
What's the problem? Well, come by my office tomorrow.
You got it.
Tony, I want to speak to you.
Never thought I'd see the day Ed Stevens working for the man.
( rhythm and guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
ED Good morning, Molly.
Hey, wow you're looking zestfully clean.
Thank you.
Okay, so, what's the deal? I mean, one day, you're miserable over Nick.
The next day, you're Molly, I woke up this morning with a whole new perspective.
On what? Everything.
Oh, that.
Ever since I was 22 years old my life has been in a holding pattern.
I mean, I never thought I would teach for more than a couple of years.
Then, I'm going out with Nick seven years passes, and here I am.
It's like it's like I was frozen alive.
Like Walt Disney.
Exactly! Exactly except, now that Nick and I have split up I can thaw myself out and start to live my life.
Well, all we need's a walk-in microwave.
Molls, I'm serious.
I finally figured out what I want and I'm ready to go for it.
Mike: You know, Ed, you're a handsome man.
Thanks, Mike.
Just thought I'd dress it up a little bit for my meeting with the Mayor.
Does that make you feel uncomfortable me calling you "handsome"? I don't know.
Well, it shouldn't.
I don't see any reason why one man can't compliment another man on his looks.
Women do it all the time.
That's true.
Yeah.
You think I'm handsome? Yes, Mike, you're a handsome man.
What do you think my handsomest feature is? Forehead.
Thanks.
You got it.
Am I too late to bowl in the tournament? Not at all, Mr.
Mustachio, but in order to qualify you'll have to pass this written exam.
What? You have one minute, starting now.
"True or false, when combined at atmospheric pressure hydrogen and sodium produce an exothermic reaction?" What's that got to do with bowling? 51 50 49 Phil, I got to go see the Mayor.
Keep an eye on things, will you? I serve at the pleasure of the President of Stuckey Bowl.
Super.
"True or false, Asian women are really hot?" ( cheering ) Hey, I'm not Are you listening to me? Shh, just a second.
( cheering ) What are you looking at? The future of American bowling.
Hi.
I'm Ed Stevens.
-Hello, Mr.
Stevens.
Such a well-groomed boy.
-Thanks.
I'm here to see the Mayor.
Lovely.
Is that a rented suit? Uh, no, it's mine.
Such a young man to own a suit.
So, should I just wait here, then? Oh, goodness, no.
Just go right in.
Oh.
Pardon me.
Kendricks: Uh, Debbie take a ten - minute break.
I paint naked pemple.
S-so-so I see.
Had to find something to fill the time.
Being Mayor of Stuckeyville ain't exactly a pressure gig.
( clears throat ) De-Debbie.
Well, I'll be a beefsteak tomato.
What is your name? Kevin Schwartz.
Not anymore it's not.
From now on, you're Shazam Jacobson.
What? That's your bowling name.
You can win this tournament, Shazam but it's going to take work, 'cause fame costs and right here is where you start paying, in sweat.
Who are you? I'm your new trainer, your mentor your sensei, if you will.
Thanks, but I don't really need Why aren't you in school? It's lunch period.
Okay, rule number one, stay in school.
Rule number two stay off the pipe.
You been chasing the dragon, Shazam? I don't really know what that means.
Look, uh Sensei.
Okay, uh, thanks for offering but I'm doing okay on my own.
Okay, my mistake.
I didn't realize you were bowling perfect games.
I guess we 300 bowlers hardly need lessons, now, do we? Wait-wait-wait, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
You can bowl 300? I'm sorry, were you talking to me? All right, fine, when do we start? We already have.
5:00 a.
m.
? Are you kidding? Rule number three never question your sensei.
Care for a Toblerone? -No, thanks.
-Are you sure? They're triangular.
Okay, then.
So how can I help you Mr.
Mayor? Does that answer your question? Um no.
The last five editions of Guide to Small Town, USA.
Go ahead, take one.
Okay.
Turn to Page 330.
Hey there's a section on Stuckeyville.
Read the rating.
Um three stars out of five.
That's what they give us every year three lousy stars.
You know what that means? Means average.
I mean, what a crock.
"Stuckeyville is a cute, quaint but utterly unremarkable little hamlet.
" Does that sound like Stuckeyville to you? 'Course not ( clears throat ) although I like the word "hamlet.
" Well, even Jaspertown gets three and a half stars.
What do they got that we don't got? They got that damn Ferris wheel.
Now how do I fit into this? The next edition's hitting the stands just three days before the election.
I want you to sue the publisher and keep this thing out of the bookstores.
Oh, I-I don't know, Mr.
Mayor.
This hardly qualifies as slander.
They do have a right to their opinion.
Walk with me, Stevens.
I've never actually seen anybody wear one of those you know, besides the Monopoly guy.
What good is being mayor if you can't stroll the streets with a monocle perched jauntily in your eye socket? I hear you.
You know how long I've held this office? Long as I can remember.
30 damn years.
Until now, I've always run uncontested.
You know why? Why? 'Cause people love me.
See that bookstore? Been here since 1922.
Last year, one of them big chains wanted to move in.
You know what I told them? What? I told them to kiss my Stuckeyvillian.
You know why? Why? 'Cause Mrs.
McGreevey, there, is special.
There's nothing special about a chain store.
I'd have to agree.
Well, a lot of people don't including my opponent, Jim Ludwig.
What does this have to do with that guidebook? Stuckeyville doesn't get a lot of national attention.
So, when it does, the townspeople notice.
Right now, I need for them to feel good about this place.
I get it.
Otherwise, they'll just start listening to Jim Ludwig.
I mean no disrespect, Mr.
Mayor, but I'm just a little uncomfortable taking what essentially amounts to a campaign job especially when I'm not familiar with either candidate's platform.
Well, there's a debate tomorrow.
I mean, right here in the town square.
Well, come and see for yourself.
Okay, I'll be here.
And for God sakes, bring a noisemaker.
You know, one of them babies.
( yells gruffly ) Okay.
Hey.
Carol hey.
Hi, Ed.
Hi.
What you got ooh, what you got here? Just, um, just some books.
Whoa.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
No need to be embarrassed.
About what? Your giant sackful of pornography.
They're travel books, Ed.
I have decided to leave town.
That's an excellent idea.
I could use a vacation myself.
Hey, you know what I hear is good this time of year? Now, this might surprise you.
Finland.
Ah I meant I've decided to leave town for good.
What? What? That's crazy talk! What kind of crazy talk is that? It's just something I have to do.
Why?! Because I have wanted to be a writer since I was eight years old.
How many novels have I written? Um nine.
Zero.
Zero.
Zero.
And you want to know why? Because of Nick Stanton.
I couldn't do anything with him.
It's like It's like being Shakespeare's girlfriend, you know "Oh, hi, hi.
I'm a writer, too.
" Now that we've split up I feel like I can really give this a shot.
You want to write.
That much I get.
But writing is just sitting in a room with a pad and pen.
What difference does it make where the room is? Ed, I have spent my entire 20s within a five-mile radius of where we are standing right now.
How am I supposed to be a writer if this is all I know? What about Nick? What about Nick Stanton? I mean, he's still here.
He's cranking out books like a human book cranker-outer.
Whether Nick Stanton is here or isn't here is nothing to do with it.
As a matter of fact, even if he weren't here I would still want to leave.
That's not my point.
That geez, what, are you mad at me now? No, I This whole subject is so embarrassing.
Could we please forget it, okay? Okay.
( sighs ) ( engine starting ) ( knocking ) You look weary, my child.
It's 5:00 a.
m.
Of course I'm weary.
Ah! You must remove your shoes before entering my dojo.
( sighs ) Socks, too! Oh, God.
I've checked the chart.
Your next opponent is Chip Williams.
I've seen this man bowl.
He's a monster.
And you're not going to beat him unless you know the answer to this question.
Yeah.
Are you ready? What's the most important part of the body in bowling? The brain.
Okay, wait you're supposed to go, "The arm" 'cause that's what everyone assumes then I'm supposed to go, "No.
The brain.
" And then you go, "Oh" Let's try it again.
The arm? No.
The brain.
Oh You have wisdom, child.
Stop calling me child.
Mike: So, uh, Nance, who do you think's handsomer me or Ed? Honey, I think you're both very handsome.
Yeah, but one of us has to be handsomer than the other.
I mean, we both can't be the exact same level of handsome.
Okay.
Ed.
Funny.
( laughing ) Molly: Hey, guys.
Hey, Molls.
Hey, Molls.
Hey, Molls.
What's going on? Carol's talking about leaving town.
Yeah, yeah.
I heard.
I can see it I'm going to be hanging with the lunch ladies.
Molly, don't worry about Carol.
She's not going anywhere.
I don't know, Ed.
She sounded pretty serious to me.
No, no, Ed's got it under control.
Mike I'll give you ten bucks if you go over there and call that guy Mommy.
Not a problem, Ed.
There he goes.
There he goes.
( clearing throat ): Excuse me, but Mike Burton! Joe Hollenbeck.
I'm a friend of Uncle Jerry.
Oh, sure, right, right.
How are you? Aw, great.
You know, I was just playing tennis with Jerry last week.
He couldn't be prouder of his nephew, the doctor.
Wow.
That's great to hear.
Maybe I could stop by your office? My back's been killing me.
Oh, yeah! Stop by any time, sure.
Good to see you, Mike.
Oh, you, too, Mommy.
You just called me Mommy.
( laughing ) I recommend Doan's Pills for the back.
You have so many problems.
Nice.
Very strong.
Ugh, there he is Jim Ludwig.
Hey, there, my friend.
Oh! Mr.
Ludwig.
Wha? He looks so familiar.
Didn't he used to own a waterbed store? Yeah, he still does.
Waterbed World.
Oh! "Oh", what? I lost my virginity at Waterbed World.
Mike! Ugh! The back door was never locked.
Never locked.
Oh, well, guess he's got your vote.
( groans softly ) ign slogan is "Vote Ludwig for a change.
" What do you hope to change and why? By maintaining Stuckeyville's archaic zoning regulations Mayor Kendricks denies us the pleasures and conveniences of modern life.
Denies us, I daresay, the three rights most sacred to Americans: the hamburger served in under 30 seconds.
( cheering ) Oh, please.
The cappuccino prepared by a trained barista.
( cheering ) Okay, this is ridiculous.
And the seven-night video rental.
( cheering and whooping ) Seven nights?! How do you make any money off that? I say bring it on in a three-star town.
You have ten more seconds.
Vote for me.
Mr.
Kendricks your rebuttal.
Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you don't let this waterbed salesman ruin our town.
Don't let him turn Stuckeyville into a carbon copy of everyplace else in America.
Man: What's wrong with America? Woman ( chanting ): U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! ( all join in chanting ) Good luck, Mayor.
Good speech.
( chuckling ) Mr.
Mayor, I'd like to help you out.
I need all the help I can get.
I'm losing them, Stevens.
Who publishes that guidebook? Holstrom and Company in Chicago.
I'll contact them today and we'll see what happens.
Why, thank you.
And Stuckeyville thanks you.
It'll be my pleasure.
Okay.
Hi.
Hey.
Carol.
Hi.
I'm really sorry I snapped at you the other day.
I didn't mean Forget about that.
Hey, um I happen to have the perfect solution to your problem.
"The Pine Forest Refuge: A Place for the Creative to Create.
" It's one of those writer's communities.
About an hour's drive from here.
Yeah, yeah, I've heard of it.
It's supposed to be amazing.
But, you see, you have to be a real writer to go there.
Well, then, I guess you're a real writer.
What do you mean? I registered you for the weekend retreat begins this afternoon.
I-I-I have a sixth period class.
Molly's going to cover for you.
How did you get me in here? The guy that runs the place is buying a house.
I told him I'd handle the contracts for free.
Huh.
You really shouldn't have.
And yet I did.
Ah.
( clears throat ): Excuse me.
Huh? Ed Stevens? Yeah.
Judy Hellman.
I'm with Holstrom and Company.
Guide to Small Town, USA.
Oh.
I just spoke to Mr.
Holstrom yesterday.
How'd you get here so fast? Please.
I was in the area visiting Jaspertown.
Ah! Jaspertown.
Yeah.
Three-and-a-half star Jaspertown.
( clears throat ) You know, that Ferris wheel killed a guy.
Uh-huh.
Look, you're wasting your time if you sue us.
You don't have a case.
So you came here to talk me out of it? No, I came here to do some fact checking so in case you are crazy enough to try something we can prove our information is accurate.
Ah, well, great.
'Cause once I give you the grand tour of this town you'll see the town and its people are anything but average.
( startled gasp ) Phil what you doing? I thought you were cueing me for my wacky entrance.
Okay, Judy, your tour of scenic Stuckeyville now begins.
Yeah, you know what? I don't need a tour guide.
I've already seen everything.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
Then I guess you've tried a suzeechio.
A what?! I thought so.
Come with me.
"Stuckeyville cuisine ranges from blah to eh.
" That's very cute.
Thank you.
Highly inaccurate.
Highly inaccurate.
I envy you, Judy Hellman for you are about to taste your very first suzeechio.
( chuckling ): I I've had thousands of these things but, ah, what I would not give to go back in time to re-experience my very first bite.
What is a suzeechio? Local specialty.
It can only be found right here in Stuckeyville.
Excuse me.
Two suzeechios please.
-Uh, we no longer serve suzeechios.
What?! Why not? The guy who made them's in the county lockup.
He drove his Camry right through his ex-wife's living room window.
Well, um what do you got? Hot Pockets.
-Hot Pockets.
People love 'em.
Good Lord.
( sighs ) Man: Oh, look, we have someone new.
Come, come! Hello.
Hi.
I'm Joel, and you are? I'm Carol Vessey.
Ah! No last names, Carol.
Here at Pine Forest, our ideas are our identity.
Ah I'm really sorry that I was late Carol, there's no such thing as late at Pine Forest.
In fact, there's no such thing as time.
Please give me your watch.
My watch.
I'll return it to you when you leave our grounds.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
Thanks.
All right, then Carol.
Why don't you tell us a little about yourself? I, um I live in Stuckeyville and I teach English at the high school.
My turn-ons are fast cars and moonlit walks on the beach.
Tell us about a walk on the beach that had special meaning for you.
That was just a joke.
No, no, no, Carol.
Don't censor yourself.
Share with us.
What do you want me to do? You're standing on a windswept beach.
The moon bathes you in its pale, white glow.
( laughs ) In the crashing of the waves against the shore, you hear "Carol, Carol, Carol!" I am so sorry, I am really so sorry.
I think this just might be a little too much for me to handle on my first day, you know? I understand.
You're out of the hot seat, for now.
Great.
So, before you arrived we were discussing the role of bird imagery in Shadow Lark by Nick Stanton.
Could I have my watch back? Do I really have to meet your barber? You should be asking "do I really get to meet your barber?" You see, Judy, to a casual observer Stuckeyville's like any other small town.
People like Mr.
Wilkies make it special.
What's so special about him? Nobody, but nobody tells a story like this guy.
Every time you sit in his barber chair the man spins a different yarn.
He's like the American Mark Twain.
Mark Twain was American.
Yeah, but if Mark Twain were Chinese Mr.
Wilkies would be the American Mark Twain.
Oh.
Mr.
Wilkies.
Hey, Mr.
Wilkies.
Hello, Ed.
Say, those sideburns are really starting to fill in another couple of years Okay, Mr.
Wilkies, thanks a lot.
Hey, this is my friend Judy.
How about a story for Judy? Which one you want to hear? Well, the one about the bear.
When I was a kid I loved the one about the bear.
All right, so My buddy Marv and I are out camping in the woods.
We're sitting around the campfire heating up a can of beans.
Suddenly, there's a rustling sound and we look over toward the tent and there's a bear pawing through our food.
And Marv leans into me and says, "George, we got company.
" And that's the story.
( laughs ) No, no, no.
Okay, Mr.
Wilkies, you mind trying it again? But this time, the voice, use the voice.
What voice? The voice, remember you used to imitate Marvin's voice.
It's funnier that way, really funny that way.
Funny, funny, funny.
( in deep voice ): "George, we got company.
" Try doing it more scared.
Oh.
( quavering ): "George, we got company.
" Yeah.
Wasn't it, "Chester, we got company"? Well, my name is George, not Chester so probably not.
You still got it, Mr.
Wilkies.
Ha.
You've made it to the final four, my friend.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
-No, no.
Never accept my congratulations.
When you start to believe what they say about you it's over.
Now, I want you to watch what I do then do the same.
I am the ball.
I see what the ball sees.
I do what the ball does.
I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball All right, well, if this doesn't impress you nothing will, my friend for you are about to see the world's greatest bowling alley.
Yes, well, I've already been here Ah! You didn't get the grand tour.
You might want to shield your eyes lest you be blinded by the grandeur.
You're not going to shield? I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball I am the Toblerone? Hello, may I see the Mayor? Woman: Of course.
But not until you give me a seven-letter word for "tiny TV tot.
" That would be Webster.
I'm going to make you a key lime pie.
Oh, no, you don't have to Key lime pie! If you insist.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
Uh, Godfrey, wait outside.
Feel free to use the phone.
Godfrey Mayor Kendricks, we need to talk.
Do you mind taking Godfrey's position? I don't want to break my rhythm here.
Okay.
You see, I came here because You're going to have to squat.
Uh okay.
( throat clearing ) All right.
You were saying? I just find I'm having a really hard time getting through to this woman Judy.
Oh? You know, I thought it would be easy.
As a kid growing up here everything seemed special, you know? But now, ten years later I don't know.
I'm just at a little bit of a loss.
Ed Hmm? I like to think of myself as an artist.
Yeah, well, I've noticed.
My paintings are junk.
The only piece of work I'm proud of is this town.
I spent 30 years putting a touch of green here a splash of blue there.
And if you hold the thing up to a certain light I think it's beautiful.
Me, too.
And, like a painting it has a way of changing over time.
I mean, if you look at a Rembrandt when you're 15 and then again when you're 45 you find a whole new set of things to fall in love with.
The latest polls have Jim Ludwig 15 points ahead.
You can't quit on me, Stevens.
Your town needs you.
You make me feel like Batman.
I'm sorry, son, I don't follow the funny papers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa where are you going? Back to Chicago.
Oh, no, you can't.
You mustn't.
Ed, we normally visit a town this size for a couple of hours, at most.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't leave.
Because if you leave you'll miss it.
What will I miss, Ed? The most cherished historical traditional event on the Stuckeyville calendar.
And what would that be? The festival of ducks.
The Festival of Ducks.
What's the Festival of Ducks? I have no idea.
Whoa, Shazam hang on there, partner.
Here, pound this down, it's a smart drink.
It'll get those synapses firing.
This is grape soda.
Shh! I'm done with you, Phil.
I've been coming here every day at 5 AM and neither of us ever touched a bowling ball.
My teaching methods may be unorthodox, but -No, no, no.
You know what, I bet you can't even bowl.
Phil Stubbs can bowl.
You know, now that I think of it I've never seen you bowl, either which is strange, seeing as you live in a bowling alley.
Yeah.
Let's see you bowl, sensei.
Very well, then.
( pins falling ) There's nothing wrong with a six.
I knocked down more than half the pins, okay? There is no shame in a gentleman six.
Where you going? I've got 60%.
If a presidential candidate got 60% of the vote that'd be considered a landslide.
I've got a mandate, Shazam! Hey, Carol.
Don't mind them.
Why aren't you at Pine Forest? Um actually, you know, it just wasn't for me.
I'm sorry.
I really, I wanted to thank you for trying though.
( sighs ) Oh.
So, what now? -I got to do this.
( sighs ) Why is it suddenly my lot in life to convince women not to leave Stuckeyville? What? Carol, maybe leaving here would help you write but maybe it wouldn't I don't know.
Is that really why you're leaving? You see, when I left New York I was running away from my problems: you know, shipwrecked marriage, capsizing career and I was adrift these are my boating analogies an-and I I just put everything behind me and I focused all my energy on something else someone else.
I think you know her.
Mm-hmm.
But, you see, try as I might I couldn't leave my problems in New York.
I had to face them anyway.
So, my message to you would be: Yeah, you can leave if you want to.
Just don't run away.
Besides, the simple fact of the matter is you can't live without me.
What? You can run away to Guam, Borneo or Harrisburg, Pennsylvania God knows where a couple of weeks, you're making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville.
Why? Capital "E", lowercase "d.
" Ha! You've got to be kidding me.
( giggles ) Uh-huh.
Okay, everybody, I've gathered you here tonight because there's less than 24 hours until the Festival of Ducks.
"The what?" she asked, dreading the answer.
New Orleans has Mardi Gras New York, the Thanksgiving Parade.
Now Stuckeyville has the Festival of Ducks.
It's up to the people in this room to decide what the heck that's going to be.
Who's with me? All right, if it'll help Mayor Kendricks, I'm in.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
That Jim Ludwig gives me the creeps.
I am, as always, your loyal foot soldier.
Thanks, Phil.
Mike? I'm allergic to goose down.
Is that going to be a problem? Shouldn't be.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Please tell me Ed talked some sense into you.
Oh, you know, I think he's missing the point.
I'm not running away.
I'm running toward.
Young Carol Vessey has set off to see the world and maybe even discover herself along the way.
Molls, be gentle.
This is a big deal for me.
Yeah, well, it's a big deal for me, too, you know.
You're my best friend.
And you're my best friend.
That's why I can't believe you would even consider trying to hold me back.
( sighs ) You know what? You're right.
You're right.
I mean, to hold you back from something that could further your career would be very selfish of me.
Yes, it would.
Except for one thing: I don't buy it.
What? Not a word of it.
No sale, sorry.
Wh-what don't you buy? This whole "got to leave to be a writer" thing it's a little bit much, don't you think? I mean, "I have to abandon "my cherished home and my beloved friends for the sake of my art.
" Go on, that's not you, Carol.
It's it's a little too Nick Stanton.
What?! All right, look, I have held my tongue for seven years because I knew how much Nick meant to you but you know what? The dam just broke.
Nick Stanton is a class A, top-of-the-line jerk.
And you know what else? He doesn't even deserve to be a jerk.
His books suck.
Shadow Lark? What kind of tool calls his book Shadow Lark? Come on, the guy thinks he's Ernest Hemingway when, frankly, he's not even Ernest Borgnine.
And what's worse? Molls He treated you like crap.
Okay? Like, like like a little girl and every time you'd walk by him in the hall or or on the street and he gives you one of those smug looks he makes you see yourself the way he sees you and that, my friend, is why you are leaving town.
I'm sorry.
Ed's right.
You're running away.
Whew.
Okay, I'm done talking now.
May I have your attention? The hour is upon us.
The time is close at hand.
But, first, I've been asked to announce the winner of the Stuckeyville Bowling Tournament.
Ladies and gentlemen Kevin Schwartz! ( crowd cheering and applauding ) We are the champions, my friend.
Whoo! And now, let the Festival of Ducks begin! ( cheering ) Man ( over loudspeaker ): In the year 1784 the town of Stuckeyville was founded by a man named Jeff Stuckey no relation to the restaurant chain.
When swimming in the town pond Jeff developed a severe foot cramp and started to drown.
Miraculously, a family of ducks began swimming into his body slowly nudging him toward the shore.
Every year, at this time, we celebrate the glorious bird that saved our founder's life.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Duck! ( crowd cheering ) Whoo! Yeah! The Duck! ( cheering continues ) Um Quack, quack.
( ducks quacking ) That's all I got.
Beer's over there! ( cheering ) ( people talking ) ( bell clangs ) ( all laughing ) Whoo! Thank you.
Hey.
So, how do you like our little festival? See you there enjoying yourself.
Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
Look ( clears throat ) It means that much to you people I'll give you four stars.
That's that's great.
Well, that's great.
Yeah? Ed Did you do all of this for me? You did.
No.
No, I did it for Stuckeyville.
Whenever the Mayor flashes the Ed signal, I spring into action.
The what? You know, the Ed signal.
Like the Bat signal.
Batman.
Step right up.
Step right up.
Fool the guesser, win a duck.
All righty, Miss.
Let's see.
I'm guessing you tip the scales at an even No? Well, don't tell me you're busting the deuce! ( laughing ) Oh, hey, Mr.
Mayor, guess what? Judy's giving us four stars.
Really? Well, how about that.
Well, seriously, will it kill you to bump us up to five? Ha, ha, don't push your luck.
( chuckles ) Yeah? Ed I want you to have this.
Oh! I do believe I captured your raw animal sexuality.
( laughing ) Oh Dear God.
( laughing ) Four stars, Molly.
Jaspertown can kiss my Stuckeyvillian.
Okay.
You know what? You have been spending too much time with Mayor Kendricks.
Hey, Carol! Hello.
I thought maybe the cleanup crew could use a little snack.
No.
Are those Suzeechio.
All right.
Yeah, when I heard they were shutting down I bought a-a whole freezer full by Smart.
She's very smart.
She is.
Um, okay.
So talk to me.
Are you staying, are you going, what? Actually, I have decided to postpone my travel plans.
Okay.
( laughing ) But this is not because I can't live without you.
Then why? Let's just say you weren't wrong about everything.
I wasn't wrong about anything? Please, Carol, it's plainly obvious you cannot resist me in a big, wacky duck suit.
Do you see this? This is me resisting you.
Look at you.
You are just dying to climb in here with me.
If you keep this up, you're going to be hanging in the window of a Chinese restaurant.
( chuckles )
I'm done with this.
Carol just broke up with Nick.
What do you want from me? I thought maybe we could be Be friends? This right here was never about friendship.
Hi.
How are you holding up, you know, post-Nick? Good.
You know.
Okay.
Bad, actually.
I-I'd have to say I'm kind of bad.
( people chatting ) ( honking ) Okay, people all eyes on Senor Stubbs.
As manager of Stuckey Bowl it is my honor to introduce to you the CEO of this grand institution.
Let's give a big Apollo welcome for your host Mr.
Edmund Stevens! ( cheering and clapping ) Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Phil.
It's Edward, actually.
Whoo! Testify! I want to thank you all for joining us on opening day of the very first annual Stuckeyville Bowling Tournament.
So, without further ado here to fire the starter's pistol say hello to His Honor, Mayor Wally Kendricks.
Evening, folks.
Before I trigger the old pistola let me just say this.
Election Day is drawing near and my opponent, Mr.
Ludwig is making a lot of promises.
Now, in all my years as your mayor Shoot the gun.
All: Shoot the gun.
Well, okay.
Okay, okay.
Let the tournament begin! ( clicking ) Uh, uh, just a second here.
Let the tournament begin! ( clicking ) Kablamo! ( cheering ) Mr.
Mayor excuse me I would like to apologize for Phil's behavior back there.
Please that boy is like a son to me.
Anyway, um, I just really appreciate you lending some dignity to the proceedings.
Well, being the mayor of a small town does have its privileges and I suppose emceeing a half bowl-a-thon is one of them.
All due respect, sir this is a full bowl-a-thon.
Of course it is.
( laughing ): Yeah.
Sure.
Stevens, I need your help with something.
I want you to represent the town of Stuckeyville in a legal matter.
Wow.
What's the problem? Well, come by my office tomorrow.
You got it.
Tony, I want to speak to you.
Never thought I'd see the day Ed Stevens working for the man.
( rhythm and guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
ED Good morning, Molly.
Hey, wow you're looking zestfully clean.
Thank you.
Okay, so, what's the deal? I mean, one day, you're miserable over Nick.
The next day, you're Molly, I woke up this morning with a whole new perspective.
On what? Everything.
Oh, that.
Ever since I was 22 years old my life has been in a holding pattern.
I mean, I never thought I would teach for more than a couple of years.
Then, I'm going out with Nick seven years passes, and here I am.
It's like it's like I was frozen alive.
Like Walt Disney.
Exactly! Exactly except, now that Nick and I have split up I can thaw myself out and start to live my life.
Well, all we need's a walk-in microwave.
Molls, I'm serious.
I finally figured out what I want and I'm ready to go for it.
Mike: You know, Ed, you're a handsome man.
Thanks, Mike.
Just thought I'd dress it up a little bit for my meeting with the Mayor.
Does that make you feel uncomfortable me calling you "handsome"? I don't know.
Well, it shouldn't.
I don't see any reason why one man can't compliment another man on his looks.
Women do it all the time.
That's true.
Yeah.
You think I'm handsome? Yes, Mike, you're a handsome man.
What do you think my handsomest feature is? Forehead.
Thanks.
You got it.
Am I too late to bowl in the tournament? Not at all, Mr.
Mustachio, but in order to qualify you'll have to pass this written exam.
What? You have one minute, starting now.
"True or false, when combined at atmospheric pressure hydrogen and sodium produce an exothermic reaction?" What's that got to do with bowling? 51 50 49 Phil, I got to go see the Mayor.
Keep an eye on things, will you? I serve at the pleasure of the President of Stuckey Bowl.
Super.
"True or false, Asian women are really hot?" ( cheering ) Hey, I'm not Are you listening to me? Shh, just a second.
( cheering ) What are you looking at? The future of American bowling.
Hi.
I'm Ed Stevens.
-Hello, Mr.
Stevens.
Such a well-groomed boy.
-Thanks.
I'm here to see the Mayor.
Lovely.
Is that a rented suit? Uh, no, it's mine.
Such a young man to own a suit.
So, should I just wait here, then? Oh, goodness, no.
Just go right in.
Oh.
Pardon me.
Kendricks: Uh, Debbie take a ten - minute break.
I paint naked pemple.
S-so-so I see.
Had to find something to fill the time.
Being Mayor of Stuckeyville ain't exactly a pressure gig.
( clears throat ) De-Debbie.
Well, I'll be a beefsteak tomato.
What is your name? Kevin Schwartz.
Not anymore it's not.
From now on, you're Shazam Jacobson.
What? That's your bowling name.
You can win this tournament, Shazam but it's going to take work, 'cause fame costs and right here is where you start paying, in sweat.
Who are you? I'm your new trainer, your mentor your sensei, if you will.
Thanks, but I don't really need Why aren't you in school? It's lunch period.
Okay, rule number one, stay in school.
Rule number two stay off the pipe.
You been chasing the dragon, Shazam? I don't really know what that means.
Look, uh Sensei.
Okay, uh, thanks for offering but I'm doing okay on my own.
Okay, my mistake.
I didn't realize you were bowling perfect games.
I guess we 300 bowlers hardly need lessons, now, do we? Wait-wait-wait, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
You can bowl 300? I'm sorry, were you talking to me? All right, fine, when do we start? We already have.
5:00 a.
m.
? Are you kidding? Rule number three never question your sensei.
Care for a Toblerone? -No, thanks.
-Are you sure? They're triangular.
Okay, then.
So how can I help you Mr.
Mayor? Does that answer your question? Um no.
The last five editions of Guide to Small Town, USA.
Go ahead, take one.
Okay.
Turn to Page 330.
Hey there's a section on Stuckeyville.
Read the rating.
Um three stars out of five.
That's what they give us every year three lousy stars.
You know what that means? Means average.
I mean, what a crock.
"Stuckeyville is a cute, quaint but utterly unremarkable little hamlet.
" Does that sound like Stuckeyville to you? 'Course not ( clears throat ) although I like the word "hamlet.
" Well, even Jaspertown gets three and a half stars.
What do they got that we don't got? They got that damn Ferris wheel.
Now how do I fit into this? The next edition's hitting the stands just three days before the election.
I want you to sue the publisher and keep this thing out of the bookstores.
Oh, I-I don't know, Mr.
Mayor.
This hardly qualifies as slander.
They do have a right to their opinion.
Walk with me, Stevens.
I've never actually seen anybody wear one of those you know, besides the Monopoly guy.
What good is being mayor if you can't stroll the streets with a monocle perched jauntily in your eye socket? I hear you.
You know how long I've held this office? Long as I can remember.
30 damn years.
Until now, I've always run uncontested.
You know why? Why? 'Cause people love me.
See that bookstore? Been here since 1922.
Last year, one of them big chains wanted to move in.
You know what I told them? What? I told them to kiss my Stuckeyvillian.
You know why? Why? 'Cause Mrs.
McGreevey, there, is special.
There's nothing special about a chain store.
I'd have to agree.
Well, a lot of people don't including my opponent, Jim Ludwig.
What does this have to do with that guidebook? Stuckeyville doesn't get a lot of national attention.
So, when it does, the townspeople notice.
Right now, I need for them to feel good about this place.
I get it.
Otherwise, they'll just start listening to Jim Ludwig.
I mean no disrespect, Mr.
Mayor, but I'm just a little uncomfortable taking what essentially amounts to a campaign job especially when I'm not familiar with either candidate's platform.
Well, there's a debate tomorrow.
I mean, right here in the town square.
Well, come and see for yourself.
Okay, I'll be here.
And for God sakes, bring a noisemaker.
You know, one of them babies.
( yells gruffly ) Okay.
Hey.
Carol hey.
Hi, Ed.
Hi.
What you got ooh, what you got here? Just, um, just some books.
Whoa.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
No need to be embarrassed.
About what? Your giant sackful of pornography.
They're travel books, Ed.
I have decided to leave town.
That's an excellent idea.
I could use a vacation myself.
Hey, you know what I hear is good this time of year? Now, this might surprise you.
Finland.
Ah I meant I've decided to leave town for good.
What? What? That's crazy talk! What kind of crazy talk is that? It's just something I have to do.
Why?! Because I have wanted to be a writer since I was eight years old.
How many novels have I written? Um nine.
Zero.
Zero.
Zero.
And you want to know why? Because of Nick Stanton.
I couldn't do anything with him.
It's like It's like being Shakespeare's girlfriend, you know "Oh, hi, hi.
I'm a writer, too.
" Now that we've split up I feel like I can really give this a shot.
You want to write.
That much I get.
But writing is just sitting in a room with a pad and pen.
What difference does it make where the room is? Ed, I have spent my entire 20s within a five-mile radius of where we are standing right now.
How am I supposed to be a writer if this is all I know? What about Nick? What about Nick Stanton? I mean, he's still here.
He's cranking out books like a human book cranker-outer.
Whether Nick Stanton is here or isn't here is nothing to do with it.
As a matter of fact, even if he weren't here I would still want to leave.
That's not my point.
That geez, what, are you mad at me now? No, I This whole subject is so embarrassing.
Could we please forget it, okay? Okay.
( sighs ) ( engine starting ) ( knocking ) You look weary, my child.
It's 5:00 a.
m.
Of course I'm weary.
Ah! You must remove your shoes before entering my dojo.
( sighs ) Socks, too! Oh, God.
I've checked the chart.
Your next opponent is Chip Williams.
I've seen this man bowl.
He's a monster.
And you're not going to beat him unless you know the answer to this question.
Yeah.
Are you ready? What's the most important part of the body in bowling? The brain.
Okay, wait you're supposed to go, "The arm" 'cause that's what everyone assumes then I'm supposed to go, "No.
The brain.
" And then you go, "Oh" Let's try it again.
The arm? No.
The brain.
Oh You have wisdom, child.
Stop calling me child.
Mike: So, uh, Nance, who do you think's handsomer me or Ed? Honey, I think you're both very handsome.
Yeah, but one of us has to be handsomer than the other.
I mean, we both can't be the exact same level of handsome.
Okay.
Ed.
Funny.
( laughing ) Molly: Hey, guys.
Hey, Molls.
Hey, Molls.
Hey, Molls.
What's going on? Carol's talking about leaving town.
Yeah, yeah.
I heard.
I can see it I'm going to be hanging with the lunch ladies.
Molly, don't worry about Carol.
She's not going anywhere.
I don't know, Ed.
She sounded pretty serious to me.
No, no, Ed's got it under control.
Mike I'll give you ten bucks if you go over there and call that guy Mommy.
Not a problem, Ed.
There he goes.
There he goes.
( clearing throat ): Excuse me, but Mike Burton! Joe Hollenbeck.
I'm a friend of Uncle Jerry.
Oh, sure, right, right.
How are you? Aw, great.
You know, I was just playing tennis with Jerry last week.
He couldn't be prouder of his nephew, the doctor.
Wow.
That's great to hear.
Maybe I could stop by your office? My back's been killing me.
Oh, yeah! Stop by any time, sure.
Good to see you, Mike.
Oh, you, too, Mommy.
You just called me Mommy.
( laughing ) I recommend Doan's Pills for the back.
You have so many problems.
Nice.
Very strong.
Ugh, there he is Jim Ludwig.
Hey, there, my friend.
Oh! Mr.
Ludwig.
Wha? He looks so familiar.
Didn't he used to own a waterbed store? Yeah, he still does.
Waterbed World.
Oh! "Oh", what? I lost my virginity at Waterbed World.
Mike! Ugh! The back door was never locked.
Never locked.
Oh, well, guess he's got your vote.
( groans softly ) ign slogan is "Vote Ludwig for a change.
" What do you hope to change and why? By maintaining Stuckeyville's archaic zoning regulations Mayor Kendricks denies us the pleasures and conveniences of modern life.
Denies us, I daresay, the three rights most sacred to Americans: the hamburger served in under 30 seconds.
( cheering ) Oh, please.
The cappuccino prepared by a trained barista.
( cheering ) Okay, this is ridiculous.
And the seven-night video rental.
( cheering and whooping ) Seven nights?! How do you make any money off that? I say bring it on in a three-star town.
You have ten more seconds.
Vote for me.
Mr.
Kendricks your rebuttal.
Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you don't let this waterbed salesman ruin our town.
Don't let him turn Stuckeyville into a carbon copy of everyplace else in America.
Man: What's wrong with America? Woman ( chanting ): U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! ( all join in chanting ) Good luck, Mayor.
Good speech.
( chuckling ) Mr.
Mayor, I'd like to help you out.
I need all the help I can get.
I'm losing them, Stevens.
Who publishes that guidebook? Holstrom and Company in Chicago.
I'll contact them today and we'll see what happens.
Why, thank you.
And Stuckeyville thanks you.
It'll be my pleasure.
Okay.
Hi.
Hey.
Carol.
Hi.
I'm really sorry I snapped at you the other day.
I didn't mean Forget about that.
Hey, um I happen to have the perfect solution to your problem.
"The Pine Forest Refuge: A Place for the Creative to Create.
" It's one of those writer's communities.
About an hour's drive from here.
Yeah, yeah, I've heard of it.
It's supposed to be amazing.
But, you see, you have to be a real writer to go there.
Well, then, I guess you're a real writer.
What do you mean? I registered you for the weekend retreat begins this afternoon.
I-I-I have a sixth period class.
Molly's going to cover for you.
How did you get me in here? The guy that runs the place is buying a house.
I told him I'd handle the contracts for free.
Huh.
You really shouldn't have.
And yet I did.
Ah.
( clears throat ): Excuse me.
Huh? Ed Stevens? Yeah.
Judy Hellman.
I'm with Holstrom and Company.
Guide to Small Town, USA.
Oh.
I just spoke to Mr.
Holstrom yesterday.
How'd you get here so fast? Please.
I was in the area visiting Jaspertown.
Ah! Jaspertown.
Yeah.
Three-and-a-half star Jaspertown.
( clears throat ) You know, that Ferris wheel killed a guy.
Uh-huh.
Look, you're wasting your time if you sue us.
You don't have a case.
So you came here to talk me out of it? No, I came here to do some fact checking so in case you are crazy enough to try something we can prove our information is accurate.
Ah, well, great.
'Cause once I give you the grand tour of this town you'll see the town and its people are anything but average.
( startled gasp ) Phil what you doing? I thought you were cueing me for my wacky entrance.
Okay, Judy, your tour of scenic Stuckeyville now begins.
Yeah, you know what? I don't need a tour guide.
I've already seen everything.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
Then I guess you've tried a suzeechio.
A what?! I thought so.
Come with me.
"Stuckeyville cuisine ranges from blah to eh.
" That's very cute.
Thank you.
Highly inaccurate.
Highly inaccurate.
I envy you, Judy Hellman for you are about to taste your very first suzeechio.
( chuckling ): I I've had thousands of these things but, ah, what I would not give to go back in time to re-experience my very first bite.
What is a suzeechio? Local specialty.
It can only be found right here in Stuckeyville.
Excuse me.
Two suzeechios please.
-Uh, we no longer serve suzeechios.
What?! Why not? The guy who made them's in the county lockup.
He drove his Camry right through his ex-wife's living room window.
Well, um what do you got? Hot Pockets.
-Hot Pockets.
People love 'em.
Good Lord.
( sighs ) Man: Oh, look, we have someone new.
Come, come! Hello.
Hi.
I'm Joel, and you are? I'm Carol Vessey.
Ah! No last names, Carol.
Here at Pine Forest, our ideas are our identity.
Ah I'm really sorry that I was late Carol, there's no such thing as late at Pine Forest.
In fact, there's no such thing as time.
Please give me your watch.
My watch.
I'll return it to you when you leave our grounds.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
Thanks.
All right, then Carol.
Why don't you tell us a little about yourself? I, um I live in Stuckeyville and I teach English at the high school.
My turn-ons are fast cars and moonlit walks on the beach.
Tell us about a walk on the beach that had special meaning for you.
That was just a joke.
No, no, no, Carol.
Don't censor yourself.
Share with us.
What do you want me to do? You're standing on a windswept beach.
The moon bathes you in its pale, white glow.
( laughs ) In the crashing of the waves against the shore, you hear "Carol, Carol, Carol!" I am so sorry, I am really so sorry.
I think this just might be a little too much for me to handle on my first day, you know? I understand.
You're out of the hot seat, for now.
Great.
So, before you arrived we were discussing the role of bird imagery in Shadow Lark by Nick Stanton.
Could I have my watch back? Do I really have to meet your barber? You should be asking "do I really get to meet your barber?" You see, Judy, to a casual observer Stuckeyville's like any other small town.
People like Mr.
Wilkies make it special.
What's so special about him? Nobody, but nobody tells a story like this guy.
Every time you sit in his barber chair the man spins a different yarn.
He's like the American Mark Twain.
Mark Twain was American.
Yeah, but if Mark Twain were Chinese Mr.
Wilkies would be the American Mark Twain.
Oh.
Mr.
Wilkies.
Hey, Mr.
Wilkies.
Hello, Ed.
Say, those sideburns are really starting to fill in another couple of years Okay, Mr.
Wilkies, thanks a lot.
Hey, this is my friend Judy.
How about a story for Judy? Which one you want to hear? Well, the one about the bear.
When I was a kid I loved the one about the bear.
All right, so My buddy Marv and I are out camping in the woods.
We're sitting around the campfire heating up a can of beans.
Suddenly, there's a rustling sound and we look over toward the tent and there's a bear pawing through our food.
And Marv leans into me and says, "George, we got company.
" And that's the story.
( laughs ) No, no, no.
Okay, Mr.
Wilkies, you mind trying it again? But this time, the voice, use the voice.
What voice? The voice, remember you used to imitate Marvin's voice.
It's funnier that way, really funny that way.
Funny, funny, funny.
( in deep voice ): "George, we got company.
" Try doing it more scared.
Oh.
( quavering ): "George, we got company.
" Yeah.
Wasn't it, "Chester, we got company"? Well, my name is George, not Chester so probably not.
You still got it, Mr.
Wilkies.
Ha.
You've made it to the final four, my friend.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
-No, no.
Never accept my congratulations.
When you start to believe what they say about you it's over.
Now, I want you to watch what I do then do the same.
I am the ball.
I see what the ball sees.
I do what the ball does.
I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball All right, well, if this doesn't impress you nothing will, my friend for you are about to see the world's greatest bowling alley.
Yes, well, I've already been here Ah! You didn't get the grand tour.
You might want to shield your eyes lest you be blinded by the grandeur.
You're not going to shield? I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball, I am the ball I am the ball I am the Toblerone? Hello, may I see the Mayor? Woman: Of course.
But not until you give me a seven-letter word for "tiny TV tot.
" That would be Webster.
I'm going to make you a key lime pie.
Oh, no, you don't have to Key lime pie! If you insist.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
Uh, Godfrey, wait outside.
Feel free to use the phone.
Godfrey Mayor Kendricks, we need to talk.
Do you mind taking Godfrey's position? I don't want to break my rhythm here.
Okay.
You see, I came here because You're going to have to squat.
Uh okay.
( throat clearing ) All right.
You were saying? I just find I'm having a really hard time getting through to this woman Judy.
Oh? You know, I thought it would be easy.
As a kid growing up here everything seemed special, you know? But now, ten years later I don't know.
I'm just at a little bit of a loss.
Ed Hmm? I like to think of myself as an artist.
Yeah, well, I've noticed.
My paintings are junk.
The only piece of work I'm proud of is this town.
I spent 30 years putting a touch of green here a splash of blue there.
And if you hold the thing up to a certain light I think it's beautiful.
Me, too.
And, like a painting it has a way of changing over time.
I mean, if you look at a Rembrandt when you're 15 and then again when you're 45 you find a whole new set of things to fall in love with.
The latest polls have Jim Ludwig 15 points ahead.
You can't quit on me, Stevens.
Your town needs you.
You make me feel like Batman.
I'm sorry, son, I don't follow the funny papers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa where are you going? Back to Chicago.
Oh, no, you can't.
You mustn't.
Ed, we normally visit a town this size for a couple of hours, at most.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't leave.
Because if you leave you'll miss it.
What will I miss, Ed? The most cherished historical traditional event on the Stuckeyville calendar.
And what would that be? The festival of ducks.
The Festival of Ducks.
What's the Festival of Ducks? I have no idea.
Whoa, Shazam hang on there, partner.
Here, pound this down, it's a smart drink.
It'll get those synapses firing.
This is grape soda.
Shh! I'm done with you, Phil.
I've been coming here every day at 5 AM and neither of us ever touched a bowling ball.
My teaching methods may be unorthodox, but -No, no, no.
You know what, I bet you can't even bowl.
Phil Stubbs can bowl.
You know, now that I think of it I've never seen you bowl, either which is strange, seeing as you live in a bowling alley.
Yeah.
Let's see you bowl, sensei.
Very well, then.
( pins falling ) There's nothing wrong with a six.
I knocked down more than half the pins, okay? There is no shame in a gentleman six.
Where you going? I've got 60%.
If a presidential candidate got 60% of the vote that'd be considered a landslide.
I've got a mandate, Shazam! Hey, Carol.
Don't mind them.
Why aren't you at Pine Forest? Um actually, you know, it just wasn't for me.
I'm sorry.
I really, I wanted to thank you for trying though.
( sighs ) Oh.
So, what now? -I got to do this.
( sighs ) Why is it suddenly my lot in life to convince women not to leave Stuckeyville? What? Carol, maybe leaving here would help you write but maybe it wouldn't I don't know.
Is that really why you're leaving? You see, when I left New York I was running away from my problems: you know, shipwrecked marriage, capsizing career and I was adrift these are my boating analogies an-and I I just put everything behind me and I focused all my energy on something else someone else.
I think you know her.
Mm-hmm.
But, you see, try as I might I couldn't leave my problems in New York.
I had to face them anyway.
So, my message to you would be: Yeah, you can leave if you want to.
Just don't run away.
Besides, the simple fact of the matter is you can't live without me.
What? You can run away to Guam, Borneo or Harrisburg, Pennsylvania God knows where a couple of weeks, you're making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville.
Why? Capital "E", lowercase "d.
" Ha! You've got to be kidding me.
( giggles ) Uh-huh.
Okay, everybody, I've gathered you here tonight because there's less than 24 hours until the Festival of Ducks.
"The what?" she asked, dreading the answer.
New Orleans has Mardi Gras New York, the Thanksgiving Parade.
Now Stuckeyville has the Festival of Ducks.
It's up to the people in this room to decide what the heck that's going to be.
Who's with me? All right, if it'll help Mayor Kendricks, I'm in.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
That Jim Ludwig gives me the creeps.
I am, as always, your loyal foot soldier.
Thanks, Phil.
Mike? I'm allergic to goose down.
Is that going to be a problem? Shouldn't be.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Please tell me Ed talked some sense into you.
Oh, you know, I think he's missing the point.
I'm not running away.
I'm running toward.
Young Carol Vessey has set off to see the world and maybe even discover herself along the way.
Molls, be gentle.
This is a big deal for me.
Yeah, well, it's a big deal for me, too, you know.
You're my best friend.
And you're my best friend.
That's why I can't believe you would even consider trying to hold me back.
( sighs ) You know what? You're right.
You're right.
I mean, to hold you back from something that could further your career would be very selfish of me.
Yes, it would.
Except for one thing: I don't buy it.
What? Not a word of it.
No sale, sorry.
Wh-what don't you buy? This whole "got to leave to be a writer" thing it's a little bit much, don't you think? I mean, "I have to abandon "my cherished home and my beloved friends for the sake of my art.
" Go on, that's not you, Carol.
It's it's a little too Nick Stanton.
What?! All right, look, I have held my tongue for seven years because I knew how much Nick meant to you but you know what? The dam just broke.
Nick Stanton is a class A, top-of-the-line jerk.
And you know what else? He doesn't even deserve to be a jerk.
His books suck.
Shadow Lark? What kind of tool calls his book Shadow Lark? Come on, the guy thinks he's Ernest Hemingway when, frankly, he's not even Ernest Borgnine.
And what's worse? Molls He treated you like crap.
Okay? Like, like like a little girl and every time you'd walk by him in the hall or or on the street and he gives you one of those smug looks he makes you see yourself the way he sees you and that, my friend, is why you are leaving town.
I'm sorry.
Ed's right.
You're running away.
Whew.
Okay, I'm done talking now.
May I have your attention? The hour is upon us.
The time is close at hand.
But, first, I've been asked to announce the winner of the Stuckeyville Bowling Tournament.
Ladies and gentlemen Kevin Schwartz! ( crowd cheering and applauding ) We are the champions, my friend.
Whoo! And now, let the Festival of Ducks begin! ( cheering ) Man ( over loudspeaker ): In the year 1784 the town of Stuckeyville was founded by a man named Jeff Stuckey no relation to the restaurant chain.
When swimming in the town pond Jeff developed a severe foot cramp and started to drown.
Miraculously, a family of ducks began swimming into his body slowly nudging him toward the shore.
Every year, at this time, we celebrate the glorious bird that saved our founder's life.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Duck! ( crowd cheering ) Whoo! Yeah! The Duck! ( cheering continues ) Um Quack, quack.
( ducks quacking ) That's all I got.
Beer's over there! ( cheering ) ( people talking ) ( bell clangs ) ( all laughing ) Whoo! Thank you.
Hey.
So, how do you like our little festival? See you there enjoying yourself.
Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
Look ( clears throat ) It means that much to you people I'll give you four stars.
That's that's great.
Well, that's great.
Yeah? Ed Did you do all of this for me? You did.
No.
No, I did it for Stuckeyville.
Whenever the Mayor flashes the Ed signal, I spring into action.
The what? You know, the Ed signal.
Like the Bat signal.
Batman.
Step right up.
Step right up.
Fool the guesser, win a duck.
All righty, Miss.
Let's see.
I'm guessing you tip the scales at an even No? Well, don't tell me you're busting the deuce! ( laughing ) Oh, hey, Mr.
Mayor, guess what? Judy's giving us four stars.
Really? Well, how about that.
Well, seriously, will it kill you to bump us up to five? Ha, ha, don't push your luck.
( chuckles ) Yeah? Ed I want you to have this.
Oh! I do believe I captured your raw animal sexuality.
( laughing ) Oh Dear God.
( laughing ) Four stars, Molly.
Jaspertown can kiss my Stuckeyvillian.
Okay.
You know what? You have been spending too much time with Mayor Kendricks.
Hey, Carol! Hello.
I thought maybe the cleanup crew could use a little snack.
No.
Are those Suzeechio.
All right.
Yeah, when I heard they were shutting down I bought a-a whole freezer full by Smart.
She's very smart.
She is.
Um, okay.
So talk to me.
Are you staying, are you going, what? Actually, I have decided to postpone my travel plans.
Okay.
( laughing ) But this is not because I can't live without you.
Then why? Let's just say you weren't wrong about everything.
I wasn't wrong about anything? Please, Carol, it's plainly obvious you cannot resist me in a big, wacky duck suit.
Do you see this? This is me resisting you.
Look at you.
You are just dying to climb in here with me.
If you keep this up, you're going to be hanging in the window of a Chinese restaurant.
( chuckles )