Evening Shade s01e06 Episode Script

Evening Shade Edge of the glade Not much to do Ain't we got it made? It's evening in Evening Shade, where all day the sweet smell of hope lingered in the air, because tonight's game was against Gasville, the only team around with a longer losing streak than ours.
Evening Shade was the favorite right up to the third quarter, when things started falling apart.
But even though we lost, there's still a celebration, a situation Coach Wood Newton finds rather upsetting.
Terry, turn off that damn radio.
Hey, come on, Dad, Terry didn't do anything.
Oh, I'm sorry, Terry.
Please turn off the damn radio or I'll rip the knobs off and make you eat 'em.
Hey, all right, T.
N.
Good way to go, man.
Coach, can I ask you a question? What? Didn't we lose? Yes, we did.
But apparently we're not only the losingest team in the state, we're the stupidest.
We-we don't even know when we lose.
Does that mean we're not going to have a victory party? What the hell's the matter with you guys? Read my lips.
We lost the game! There's no victory party 'cause there was no victory.
Well, we know that, Coach, but at least we scored.
The only thing that counts is what's on the scoreboard at the end of the game.
"Drink Coca-Cola"? All right, that's it, that's it! Everybody's going to be here tomorrow morning at 9:00.
You're going to run wind sprints until you drop.
All right! Hit the showers.
Come on, you heard the man.
Let's go.
And remember, fungus can't grow where it's dry.
Let's go.
I'll talk to him, I'll smooth it over, you guys.
Phillpot, if you hadn't got deodorant with you tomorrow, you don't play.
You want some, Mrs.
Newton? Oh, no thanks, Herman, I don't drink when I'm pregnant.
That's a good policy.
You know, I didn't drink at all till I started coaching.
Then I started cussing.
I don't know, cussing and drinking they just seem to go together.
I only make $400 a year, though, for helping out, so I'm kind of limited to your non-alcoholic beers.
Right now I drink a lot of Alpine Boy.
Honey, that's your fifth glass.
Haven't you had enough? Apparently not.
I- I still remember the game.
Hey, Dad, look at this.
Groucho Marx! Hey, where'd you get that? Out of the gumball machine.
This is the prize I won.
Oh, you won something.
Well, somebody in our family finally won something.
Where are you going? I'm going to the john.
You want me to go with you? Why would I want you to go with me, Herman? Well, you've had a lot of beers.
I just thought you might need a little manly assistance.
Well, I've been to the john for years, and I've never needed manly assistance.
How come Daddy has a mustache? I can answer that.
It's because he ain't got the guts to shave it off.
You know what? I bet he'd like it if somebody would just come on and do it for him.
I have got to get out of here.
I've got three speeches tomorrow.
Herman, would you mind being the designated driver? Oh, I'd be happy to.
My car is kind of piled up, though, with athletic equipment shoulder pads, salves and ointments and stuff but I can probably squeeze him in.
I can't believe we lost another one, Herman.
We've been cheated again.
Do you know Margaret May Wilson's husband was out there, and it was so embarrassing.
That is the third time I have seen that man with his pants unzipped.
Hey, Woodrow, we was robbed, boy.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
That opposing team is old.
I've been treating a couple of those boys for hardening of the arteries.
Merleen, honey, come on over here and show Wood what's in the bag.
This'll cheer you up.
You've been down in the mouth lately.
Hey, how about that, huh? Merleen made that outfit herself and she made one for me the same way.
We're gonna wear 'em in the golf tournament tomorrow.
What golf tournament? The one you promised to play in with Harlan for charity.
Don't you remember, honey? We talked about it yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, go ahead and play, Coach.
I'll take care of the boys at practice.
Hey, Harlan, you say you and Wood are going to be dressed in these outfits? That's right; we're playing doubles.
And Merleen's been working on these outfits for weeks.
I tell you, she is a sewing fool.
Oh, Harlan, don't brag.
Now oh, I'm gonna go play my song on the jukebox.
Oh! Now, look.
I know it's strange that we should be dressed alike, but Merleen's got her heart set on it.
I mean, she's even thinking about starting her own recreational clothing line.
We can't just refuse not to wear it.
Where do you get this "we" stuff? Please, Woodrow, don't let me down.
You said it was your favorite charity, that's why you were doing it.
And besides, when Merleen gets mad, she cuts off all supplies.
I don't get any loving at all.
Are you telling me I got to wear this stupid outfit so you can have sex with your wife? No, no.
Well, yeah.
Have you all heard that new country-western song "Take Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Saying Good-Bye"? No, uh, I don't think we have, but-but I'll look into it.
Come on, Will, we're leaving.
Herman, take good care of him.
Oh, you got it.
Okay, Coach.
I figure you have one more beer, then we head home.
You figured wrong.
You know what, Wood Newton? Now, I have to be honest.
I have to tell you I never really liked you.
Oh.
I mean, I never thought you were funny, but uh, for some reason Hmm? whenever I've been drinking, you are the funniest person in the world to me.
What's that guy's name again? Oh, that's Mr.
Stiles.
Ah! Mr.
Stiles is a friend of mine.
As a matter of fact, when all the rats have left the sinking ship, Mr.
Stiles will be right there at my side.
Herman, come over here.
What? Herman, we are in deep dog doo-doo, because if we lose another game, we're going to make Sports Illustrated.
You know, we're going to be the laughingstock of the country.
As a matter of fact, we already are the laughingstock of the country.
Hey, Coach? Hmm? Don't you think it's about time you went to sleep now? Listen, you, he does not want to go to bed.
Now, I want you to stop asking that.
It's getting on my nerves.
Okay, just quit poking me when you tell me.
Well, you really are just a little old puff of a man, aren't you? You know what? Somebody just ought to throw you down on the floor and French-kiss you.
Don't you just hate that, whatever your name is? I guess so.
What do you mean you guess so?! You're the one been talking that big, tough football talk all night.
Now, I want to know exactly what you're gonna do about it.
I guess I'm gonna throw you down on the ground and stomp your butt.
I got one.
Okay, okay.
O- kay.
Okay.
Herman, come on over here.
Oh! Who is this? Roy.
Roy, have you been, have you been back there in the bedroom fooling around with Dale? Walter Brennan.
Walter Brennan talks like this.
He says, "Hey, Luke, Luke, Luke, get out of my sight.
" That's right, you idiot, that's Walter Brennan.
Now, come on, come on, do another one.
All right, thi-this is, this is hard because this all right, this is subtle.
Okay, shh.
You ready? Why is it every time I come to town some young boy tries to make a name for himself? Marshal Dillon.
No you idiot.
That's Gregory Peck.
Listen, you.
I'm getting just a little tired of you calling me an idiot.
Oh, my, that's very sexy.
That's I like that.
Okay.
Okay, now.
Hmm? I want you to do Marlon Brando in Guys and Dolls.
Please, do it just once for me, please, please.
All right, all right, all right.
I'll do my double- jointed elbow.
All right.
What? All right.
Okay.
You ready? Mm.
Do it.
My Lord.
Is all of you like that? Wouldn't you just love to know? Okay.
Here you go.
Oh Marlon Brando.
Trigger.
Oh! Well, looks like Coach finally went to sleep.
Yes? Hi, I'm Kyle Hampton.
Hi.
I'm an old friend of Ava's.
Uh, is she home? What time is it? Well, let's see, it's about 7:15.
I wanted to catch her before she got away this morning.
Mmm I- I don't know.
She may have She may have She may She may have already gone.
Uh, you-you don't remember me, do you? No.
No, I didn't think you would, you being so much older.
Yeah, I used to go with Ava in high school before you married her.
And you you were my hero.
Yeah, well, thank you.
Have you been ill? Not that I know of, no.
I'm a reporter now.
New York Times.
Been covering the Iron Curtain countries.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I haven't been home in years.
Uh-huh.
Boy, you've sure been through some changes.
You got a message for Ava, I'll-I'll tell her.
Yeah, yeah.
Would you just tell her that Kyle Hampton stopped by? Okay.
Okay, yeah.
Uh-uh.
I got a question.
It's just a reporter's curiosity, but do you really like the way your mustache looks? I don't know, Kyle.
I- I've never really thought about it.
May I ask you a question? Yeah.
What the hell do you care? No.
No-No reason.
I was just curious.
I guess you get a lot of comments.
No, just you.
Okay.
Well, listen, I'll let you get back to whatever.
Would-Would you, uh, ask Ava to call me? I'll be staying at my mother's.
Sure.
Okay, and, uh, look, I don't know what kind of statement you're trying to make, but I'll say one thing it's original.
This place is a mess.
I guess Will was, uh, watching cartoons and went back to bed.
Honey, did you put the coffee on? You know, I can't believe how much you had to drink last night.
That was totally unlike you.
Have you got any idea what happened to the other half of my mustache? What? What happened? I don't know.
I was I was sleeping there on the coffee table, and the doorbell rang.
I went to the door.
I came back.
I had half a mustache.
Well, who was at the door? I don't know.
Some old boyfriend of yours Kyle something-or-other.
Kyle?! Oh! You're kidding me? Wait.
Kyle Hampton was here? I can't believe it.
He-He hasn't been home in years.
Well-Well, what did he say? How did he look? Fine.
Oh.
In fact, he had everything intact on his face.
I, on the other hand, am missing half a mustache.
You know, I was kind of in love with him.
Well, once.
He-He was the most popular boy in our class.
Of course I don't expect you to know that, 'cause you're so much older.
Yes, he mentioned that.
I don't think you're grasping the seriousness of the situation here.
You see, I had this mustache for 16 years, and I liked it.
I liked all of it.
I don't think I'm gonna like just having half of it.
Have you got any idea what happened to it? Honey, I have no idea.
I'm sor I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You look so It serves you right.
You and Frieda were out here carousing all night.
I mean, maybe she shaved it off.
She was talking about it earlier.
Well, why would she shave it off? Why would she shave it off?! I don't know! It's a practical joke or something.
She's in one of her dark moods.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna shave something of hers off, okay? Wood! Hello? Kyle.
Oh! Is that really you? Yeah, my husband said you came by.
Oh, gosh, it's so good to talk to you.
Well, um, yeah, I'm out campaigning all day.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm running for prosecuting attorney.
Lunch? Well, I'm supposed to meet Wood after his, uh, golf tournament Go ahead.
but he said it's fine, so how about 12:00 noon at, uh, at the Holiday Inn? Great.
Great.
See you then.
Oh.
Well, I have to speak at the rehab center anyway at 3:00.
You don't mind that I'm canceling, do you? No.
Why do you have to have lunch at a motel? Well, just the coffee shop.
I mean, it's nice.
You don't mind? No.
No.
I'll be booking your Aunt Frieda because she's obviously criminally insane.
Good morning, you little cookie.
Is Daddy mad about his mustache? Hmm? What do you mean? Well, I tried to shave it off, but he kept turning over, so I had to quit.
Are you kidding me? You did this to me? You know better than that.
You could have cut yourself.
He could have cut himself? What about me? I could be standing here with no lips.
Let me see.
It's amazing.
Did a really good job.
You're grounded for life! Wood, just calm down.
It's my fault.
We didn't explain it right.
It was a misunderstanding.
He-He thought you had something that you didn't want anymore.
Well, I guess I'm fortunate I didn't lose anything else.
Let me make it very simple for you, all right? When you're talking to the children about what I want and what I don't want, what I want when I go to sleep at night is what's attached to me, what's growing out of me, and whatever's hanging out of me, okay? When I wake up in the morning, I want the same things attached to me, growing out of me, and hanging out of me that were there the night before! Okay.
All right.
All right.
I don't Listen, I-I-I I live in this house.
I think I have a right to that! Stop shouting! Shh.
There's Ava with her date.
I thought you said they were going to the Holiday Inn.
I thought they were.
Well, we better sit down now anyhow, because we'll look funny.
Harlan, we passed funny about six hours ago, all right? And don't sit next to me.
I don't want you to I sit where I feel like it.
You're overwhelming me, all right? Get away from me.
Honey, I didn't even see you guys come in.
Hi, darling.
Hi.
Oh.
So, did you win the golf tournament? No, no, we lost.
I thought you guys were gonna have lunch at the Holiday Inn? Well, yeah, we were, but I decided that might be a little too much temptation.
He's such a kidder.
Yes, he is.
I was explaining to him why you look so bad.
Oh, good, good.
I wouldn't want Lyle to have a bad impression of me before he leaves.
When are you leaving, by the way? Uh, tomorrow.
Which is why I think I have to make the most of every minute.
Do you mind if I dance with your wife? It's up It's up to her, you know.
We noticed that our song from high school is on the jukebox, you know.
We haven't danced in years.
It's really important to him.
Do you mind? Oh, it's important to him? Yeah.
Oh, I don't care.
Okay, fine.
Listen, maybe you'll capture that old magic back.
Would you hold my purse? Yeah.
Yeah.
I've heard people say that Probably a you know, it's a simple little song.
It's Yeah.
Too much of anything is not good for you, baby But I don't know about that As many times as we've loved We've shared love and made love Oh, hey, Doc Eldridge, Mrs.
Eldridge.
Hey, Herman.
Hi, Herman.
Coach.
Practice went great.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something different about you.
I got bigger shoes on.
No, it's your mustache.
It's not all there.
Oh, honey, Kyle just had the best idea.
We want to go to all those places, you know, from high school, like A&W Root Beer, and, um and the bowling alley.
You know, sort of jog down Memory Lane.
Yeah, well, as long as you keep jogging.
No, but I want you to come with us.
No, no, that's all right, honey.
I'm gonna stay home and, you know, draw up some new plays.
Herman, you want to help me? Hey, I'd love to.
I've been wanting to see how a coach behaves at home.
Myself, I usually just do a couple of push-ups, rub myself down with Bengay, and go to bed.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Oh.
Oh, I like it.
Good.
Ooh! How was your, uh, date last night? Did you have fun? It wasn't a date.
Hmm.
We had dinner, and then we went bowling.
Then we cruised by the A&W to see who was there, but, uh, nobody was there except a bunch of kids Taylor's age.
Actually, that was pretty depressing.
Then we sat out in the driveway and talked.
It wasn't that much fun.
So much for Memory Lane.
Sorry you had a rough time.
Then why are you smiling? I'm just a friendly guy.
You know something else? If he'd been the guy in the Barbeque Villa with half a mustache and that ridiculous flowered outfit, he never would have had the guts to let me hang out with an old boyfriend.
Thanks for not knowing what time I came home last night.
Oh.
I was asleep.
I think it was about 2:00.
Oh.
Mmm.
I like this bare upper lip.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Good morning, Coach.
Hi, Herman.
Good morning, Mrs.
Newton.
Oh, Herman.
Well, I figured, Coach was feeling kind of low because he was the only man in town with only half a mustache.
Since I am the assistant coach, I figured I'd just lend a little moral support.
After all, that's what friends are for.
In Evening Shade We ain't afraid to get a little laid back And let the daylight fade Life goes slow and it's worth a lot more When you got it made And we got it made in the shade Evening Shade.