Everything Sucks! (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Are we gonna start sometime today? I am melting in this makeup.
[LUKE.]
Just a few adjustments.
All righty.
Places, people.
All right, here we go.
All right, roll camera and action! [EMALINE.]
Blorg, my love.
I beg you, please do not leave me and go to Earth.
Earthlings care for no one but themselves.
They only have one heart where we Gloptonites have six.
[OLIVER.]
I fear no humans, Zarginda.
It's for these reasons I've been chosen to lead this mission.
It's my calling.
But why you? Why must you leave me? Please don't leave me.
Gloptonia needs me on Earth.
[OLIVER GROANS.]
Cut! Amazing! You asshole! You're going to New York without me, aren't you? You're gonna ditch me after you graduate.
I know it.
[OLIVER.]
Jesus Christ! What is your problem? Can you try to act professional in front of the crew? - Suck a dick, Oliver! - Emaline.
Emaline! Pookey! Little bear.
Butterball.
- No, no, relax.
Relax.
- Don't touch me! - [EMALINE.]
Leave me alone! - Amazing.
- We got it.
- [OLIVER.]
I'm sorry.
Dude, you ask her yet? Just about to.
Nice.
Chicks love romantic overtures.
[LUKE.]
Yeah.
For shizzle.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
Hey.
What'cha doing right now? Oh, nothing, I guess.
Probably just gonna go home.
Oh, yeah, you could do that, or you could go see Tori Amos, live in concert tonight, with me.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Seriously? - Yeah.
- Luke! Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to surprise you.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES.]
But this is in Portland.
How are we supposed to get there? [CHUCKLES.]
[KATE.]
This is a bad idea.
What if we get pulled over? This is so illegal.
Kate, we're not gonna get pulled over.
You have your learner's permit.
- It's fine.
- Oh, God, we're gonna die.
We're going to die in a car accident and end up in that Driver's Ed movie.
Red Asphalt.
You've seen that? When's the last time anyone drove this piece of crap? Uh, before this morning, seven years ago.
I mean, it's been rusting by the woodpile since my dad left.
Funny enough, you remember that crate of tapes that you found in my garage that day? Yeah, why? [SIGHS.]
Well, it turns out they're like these videos of my dad just talking.
Like this video diary type thing, I guess.
It's weird, I used to hate the guy, but now I kinda wish I knew him.
He seems cool.
Well, maybe it's not too late.
Maybe you could write to him or something.
Yeah.
I know what we need.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Nice.
Never was a cornflake girl Mnh-mnh Thought that was a good solution Since when do you know the lyrics? I've been studying up.
Now, hey, at this point, I might be a bigger Tori fan than you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Is that a challenge? - That's a big challenge.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Things are getting kind of gross And I go at sleepy time Uh, this is not really Uh, this, uh, this Uh, this is not really happening You bet your life it is You bet your life it is You bet your life it's Peel out the watchword Just peel [MR.
MESSNER.]
Sherry! [CHUCKLES.]
So, where are we going? Actually, I thought we could just stay right here.
Right here, like, in the parking lot right here? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Last week, as it happens, it sometimes happens, I, uh, confiscated some, uh - some - Some - contraband? - Right.
Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
Ah, this is nuts.
Um, I was about to get rid of it, but then I thought, uh, maybe we could experiment a little.
You stole weed from a student? Confiscated.
[LAUGHING.]
You are bad.
Oh - Okay, I'm in.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Great.
[LAUGHING.]
I figured that it's high time I checked this one off the list, too.
Wait, wait, you've never smoked herb? - Oh, Ken, this is gonna be fun.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- I'm nervous.
What if I just freak out? Okay, is there a pipe? No, I don't think so.
Oh, wait, I have gum in my bag.
We can use the wrapper.
We can chew the gum after.
- I'm gonna shut up now.
- Yeah.
["SOMEONE YOU LOVE" BY POPGUNS PLAYING.]
Wow.
I've never been to the city without my dad or a teacher before.
Really? Well [EXHALES.]
let's do this.
When you touch someone you love Hoping that love is still good enough And I wanna tell you everything I'm feeling And I need you to say it's all right When nothing is right Nice one.
That's good.
No, don't breath out yet.
Hold it in, suck in a little air.
[GRUNTS.]
And now exhale.
[EXHALES.]
[COUGHING.]
- That felt like a lot.
- [LAUGHING.]
That was a good one.
- You've done this a few times before? - Yeah.
Not for a long while.
How'd you get to be such an expert? Luke's dad.
[LAUGHING.]
Back in high school, we used to cut class and we'd go sit out by the airport and, um, get stoned and watch the planes take off.
Is that what made you want to be a stewardess or flight attendant? I never wanted to be a flight attendant.
But I did, always liked the idea of being able to fly away from life for a minute.
You know? When you're young, you feel there's this big world out there, full of possibility, and I chased that feeling.
All the way to Boring.
[LAUGHING.]
Right.
No, that was Leroy's idea.
He is not a good person.
I don't like saying that, but he is not the father that Luke deserves.
It all worked out for the best.
So, do you feel anything? Oh, no.
I don't I don't think so.
You don't always feel it the first time.
Better not overdo it.
Oh, maybe, maybe just one more little puff.
[SHERRY CHUCKLES.]
No.
[EXHALES.]
Sherry, what do we do? I've never been so hungry in my life.
I think I'm dying.
Hey, you're not dying.
You just have the munchies - and so do I.
- Wait! [LAUGHING.]
- You have the key? - I have all the keys.
Yes! I'm the key master, baby.
Oh, thank God! [SHERRY MUMBLES.]
Ah! Come with me! [CACKLES.]
Leave it.
We're right here.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Sorry.
Excuse us.
Sorry, thank you.
This is us.
Sorry we're so far away.
Are you kidding? I still can't believe you did this for me.
For us.
You're amazing.
Thank you.
- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[TORI.]
So, how's it going, Portland? You've been so missed.
Thank you for coming tonight.
[MR.
MESSNER.]
This is incredible.
I can actually feel my brain working.
Conducting my body like a perfectly calibrated orchestra.
I bet a lot of the great scientists were stoners.
I mean, how else is Sir Isaac Newton gonna spend all that time thinking about gravity and stuff? That is stoner thinking.
Uh, he did more than think about it.
He discovered the Law of Universal Gravitation.
Our feet would still be stuck to the ground whether or not he said so.
Oh, don't undersell Sir Isaac.
[CHUCKLES.]
The man was the father of modern physics.
He wrote the laws of optics, the laws of motion.
I mean, he invented calculus, for fun! The beauty of his mind.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wish I was that smart.
I don't.
[LAUGHING.]
I think it'd be lonely being that smart, you know? No one else in the world who really gets you.
Life's lonely enough without having to be the father of modern physics.
Come here.
What? [GIGGLING.]
Excuse me But can I be you for a while? My dog won't bite If you sit real still I got the Antichrist in the kitchen Yellin' at me again Yeah, I can hear Been saved again by the garbage truck I got something to say, you know But nothing comes Yes, I know what you think of me You never shut up Yeah, I can hear that But what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his With her name still on it Hey, but I don't care 'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice And it's been here Silent all these Years go by Will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand? Years go by If I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds raining in my head One more casualty You know we're too easy Easy, easy Silent all these years Silent all these Silent all these years [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[SHERRY LAUGHING.]
This was really fun.
Yeah, it was.
Uh, yeah.
When my When Kate's mom, when she passed away, she'd been sick for a number of years.
In pain for a long time.
That was ten years ago.
This whole time, I never thought I'd feel a connection with anyone ever again.
Till now.
I know this is just fun or whatever, but I wanna thank you for giving me a little hope.
[LUKE.]
That was amazing.
I've never seen anything like that before.
Oh! When she was playing the piano, didn't you think she was gonna smash it the way she was pounding it like that? Yeah.
Totally.
Oh, my gosh.
I mean, she's just so cool.
She reminds me so much of you, actually.
Um, so did you enjoy the show? Yeah.
It was the best, thank you.
It was the best date ever.
Except, it wasn't a date-date.
It was a fake date.
Yeah, I know.
But, you know, date, fake date, what's the difference? Um, the difference is that one is real, and one isn't.
So, this wasn't real.
Our relationship is not real.
Yeah, but would it have been different if it was a real date? Luke I think we need to breakup.
How can we break up if we're not in a relationship Jesus, Luke, stop! Whatever you think that this is, it isn't, okay? I am what I am.
And we're not a couple, and we're not going to be, ever.
Where's the car? [SHERRY GIGGLES.]
Mm.
Okay.
[PAGER BEEPING.]
Um, do you need to get that? - No.
- No.
[BEEPING CONTINUING.]
- Are you sure you don't want to - Just one quick sec.
[EXHALES.]
Look, I'm sorry.
I should probably find a phone.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Why? [GRUNTS.]
I'll be right back.
[MR.
MESSNER GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry about the car.
Can you say something? Look, my whole life, I have been the freak.
The girl who nobody picked for dodgeball.
The girl who didn't have a mom.
The girl who dressed funny because it was her dad buying her clothes.
And then, tonight I looked at these people, and I thought maybe there's a future where I don't have to be a freak.
Maybe I can be who I am and that's okay.
I never said you couldn't be who you are.
I told you, whoever you are, whatever you are, it doesn't matter to me.
- Luke, it matters to me.
- Okay, so now what? Go and tell everyone at school that you're a lesbian.
You don't think they'll call you a freak? The only thing that matters is that I know.
- You had a great time with me.
- I had an amazing time.
Okay, so why can't we keep hanging out? Having amazing nights together? Why are you doing this to me? Because it's not about you! I told you how from the beginning how I felt, and you wouldn't hear it because all you care about is yourself.
- I like you.
- No, you don't.
You like the idea of me.
You like the idea of having a girlfriend.
But you're just using me to make yourself feel better about everything in your life that sucks.
So, just leave me alone.
[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE.]
That's my dad.
Well, you two had yourselves quite an adventure tonight, didn't ya? Coming out here, without the courtesy of letting anyone know.
You know, I was your age once.
There's a lot of things I never did that maybe I wish I had.
Like sneaking out to a rock concert.
You have a good time? Fine.
Luke, good time, pal? Fine.
Sick.
What's that smell? I hit a skunk.
["CORNFLAKE GIRL" BY TORI AMOS PLAYING.]
Never was a cornflake girl Thought that was a good solution Hangin' with the raisin' girls She's gone to the other side Givin' us a yo heave ho Things are getting kind of gross And I go at sleepy time This is not really This is not really happening You bet your life it is You bet your life it is You bet your life it's Peel out the watchword Just peel out the watchword Rabbit, where'd you put the keys, girl? Yes! Rabbit, where'd you put the keys, girl? Oh, this time Rabbit, where'd you put the keys, girl? Rabbit, where'd you put the keys, girl?