Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
[narrator] He was a high-powered CEO
in control of everything
It's settled.
We give humans the physical ability
to run a marathon,
but the punishment is
they can never stop talking about it.
[all laughing]
[narrator] except his own heart.
Hmm.
[chuckles]
How long have you been waiting?
For you? All my life.
[narrator] They were a match
made in heaven
with just one small problem.
He was from Hell.
[soft music playing]
- [grunting]
- [man laughing]
- [bear growling]
- [man screaming]
[narrator] And sometimes when a woman
and a ghoulish, mega demon
love each other very much,
they do a thing.
Dear lord, I know what sex is.
And stop talking like a movie trailer.
Well, excuse me for world-building.
Ah. Whoa.
I've always wanted a flaming sword.
I could stab stuff but with fire.
Uh-uh. Focus. This is important.
As you were born of a forbidden love
between a human and a demon,
it was determined
that you must stay with him in Hell.
My mom is a human on Earth?
She can answer all my burning questions.
Come on, let's go find her.
Nope, put it back.
[sword scraping]
Sorry, Earth is like super big.
Do you happen to have her address?
[gurgling, sucking]
[both exclaim]
- [heavy metal music playing]
- [both screaming]
[water gurgling]
[dramatic tone]
[yelling] Why do cats
keep coming out of my toilet?
[both screeching]
[theme music playing]
So, Halcyon Springs.
Looks like some backwater place.
This even says
there's no internet or cell towers.
That means there might be
a portal to Hell there.
The closer you get to Hell,
the worse the Wi-Fi.
Heaven's internet sucks too.
A Luck Dragon keeps getting confused
and humping our cell towers.
I have to meet my mother.
If I'm half-human,
that would explain so much,
like why I'm bad at my job,
or why I do idiotic human-y things
like take pictures of fireworks?
Yo, 30 Seconds to Marvs,
wanna drive us
to a nowhere, nothing-to-do town,
and wait for us
in the car for a few hours?
[sighs] I'd love to, but Mr. Bulkington
is making me work overtime,
cleaning the display toilets.
You'd be surprised how many people
mistake them for the real deal.
He's got you cleaning toilets?
No wonder Heaven hasn't sent me back.
I need to get you promoted.
Me? Upper management?
[Marv] Jet-setting around the store
on my private forklift?
Putting up those little cones
around vomit incidents?
[chuckling] Okay, let's do it.
Well, I guess I could take an Uber.
I get a discount
since the founders are in Hell.
[toy squeaking]
- Is that a dog toy?
- [spits]
I ripped all my stress balls in half,
figured I'd give this a go.
[sighing] Greta isn't talking to me.
I think it's because I might've
kinda maybe implied
that I regret quitting the SEALs
to have kids.
[gasping] Hmm.
Know what you need? A road trip.
- And I know the perfect destination.
- [toy squeaking]
Halcyon Springs.
My long-lost mother is there,
and it's only a six-hour drive away.
Win-win.
Six hours?
In that amount of time,
I could conceive two new kids,
preferably ones who like me.
Yeah, who cares
if you told your kids you hate them,
and they grow up to be junkies,
murderers, or podcasters?
Who cares if you all wind up in Hell?
[ominous music playing]
[GPS voice] In two miles,
you will arrive at your destination.
What a fun, family bonding session
this trip has been, right, kids?
Right, kids?
Oh. You mean the trip Travis and I
never assented to,
so technically it could be
considered "kidnapping"?
Excuse me, young lady.
I didn't even have a mom growing up.
You know who explained womanhood to me?
An Incubus with an eel for a mustache.
[GPS voice] You have arrived at your
at your dest dest
[woman screaming] Oh no! Please, no!
[ominous music playing]
[demonic voice]
You have arrived at your destination.
[laughing evilly]
Well, we're here.
[engine sputters, backfires]
Hey, I can't get any reception.
[tires screeching]
Huh. That's weird. The car went dead.
I'm gonna go look for my mom. Bye.
This can't be happening.
I've never been without internet before.
[hyperventilating]
Must you continue to torture us, Mother?
You know, if you never wanted children
in the first place,
you could've just sold us
at birth to the circus or Nickelodeon.
[ominous music playing]
[Muzak playing]
I don't know about this.
The last guy who asked for a raise,
Herb tarred and feathered him
using Vaseline and Cheetos.
Then let's warm up with a test run.
[magical music plays]
[in Southern American accent]
Marv, you wanted to see me?
Uh. Yes, I I did want to see you
b-because you're so handsome.
I I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You You should demote me
and pay me less.
Okay, new plan.
[writing]
Wow, Marv.
Now, that is a honey of a toupee.
Got nipples and everything. What's up?
Mr. Bulkington,
I believe I've earned a promotion
and a raise.
Why in the world would I do that?
[whispering]
Herb, I could list off
a bunch of reasons why,
but you don't have
time to sit here and listen to
a marble-mouthed-human-thigh-pimple
like me drone on all day, do you?
Now, Higgins,
maybe you are upper management material.
Of course, first, you'll have to pass
the Big Bulk manager emergency test.
It measures one's ability
to handle disasters.
Floods, hurricanes, murder hornets,
music festivals, zoo explosions
We've got it in the bag.
I invented those things.
[crow cawing]
[people chattering, laughing]
[ominous music playing]
Greta? Travis?
No touching the other kids here.
There's a real unvaccinated vibe.
- [gasping]
- [dramatic sting]
Sorry. [coughs]
Sitting in the dark helps my migraines.
What can I do for you?
- My car's electrical system crashed.
- Yeah, we see that a lot around here.
I know the part you need,
but the only place to get it
is the junkyard on the other side of town,
near the portal to Hell
that vampires come through.
This town has a portal to Hell
that vampires come through?
Do you think maybe you'd wanna have a sign
that says that when you enter town?
We had a sign made,
but our graphic designer
hasn't used the internet since the '90s,
so it was mostly just wingdings.
[wind gusting]
Very confusing.
My kids are out there alone!
Okay, hold your horses.
You're gonna want
a certified vampire hunter with you.
[clicking tongue] Lucky for you, I am one.
I'm also a notary.
[dramatic music playing]
I was a Navy SEAL.
Oh man, I'm so nervous to meet my mom.
Fair warning, she's probably gonna be
some horrifying human slash monster.
Like a cross
between Pennywise and Roseanne Barr.
At least your mother doesn't regret
giving birth to you.
Actually, in Hell the males give birth.
You think the women scream
when they're crowning? Yesh.
[sighs] Well, this is the address.
Oh. You've got to be kidding me.
[pipe organ playing]
Hello, all.
Um Oh, I see a few new faces here today.
I'm Shirley. Our pastor is running late,
so I thought I would squeeze in
a few reminders.
[gasps] That's her. That's my mom!
First off, I am hosting
a charity bake sale tomorrow morning.
After that,
my entire afternoon is wide open.
So if anyone needs help moving apartments
or just wants to ramble on
about a dream they had,
I am here for you.
Sorry I'm late, all.
Got held up at the gym.
You know my motto,
"Never skip church,
and never skip leg day." Ha!
[laughing, clapping]
Before I begin today's sermon,
I'd like to remind you all
to be on the lookout.
This sinful man
has been mooning people all over town.
Shirley, please pass these butt pics out
to the congregation.
[Devilcat] Psst.
Shirley! Hey, I'm Um
your daughter, but as a cat.
That settles it.
I'm finally gonna install
a carbon monoxide detector.
No, I'm just stuck in this body.
I am the spawn of Satan. Here, look.
Long story short, you guys did it,
and, nine blood moons later,
he birthed me out of his left butt cheek,
and the afterbirth crawled to Texas.
Wow. Both your backstory and Ted Cruz's.
Fascinating.
I'm a mom of the Antichrist,
but still, I'm a mom.
Come on, just one bar, please.
[exclaims, grunts]
- Are you okay?
- [Travis] No.
I've never been anywhere
without internet before.
How do you people
even know what time it is?
We like it that way.
This town is a safe haven
for those who have had their lives ruined
by the internet.
I'm Millie.
[soft music playing]
[contemplative music playing]
Okay, these are easy.
Blizzard is space heaters and shovels.
Zombie apocalypse is crowbars
and imitation brain meat.
[harp glissando]
[Herb] No, wrong.
All wrong.
The correct answer was toilet paper.
In any crisis,
everyone rushes the store
and buys up all of our TP.
You failed, Higgins.
Now, run up to my office
and get my firing whip.
[news theme music playing]
The town of Horkville
has run out of oat milk.
Repeat, no oat milk in Horkville.
[people screaming]
[all clamoring]
I'm I'm getting word now that there's
an entire display at Big Bulk,
but supplies are limited, and
Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, okay. Yes.
Lawlessness reigns.
[dramatic tone]
[pastor preaching]
So that's basically my life.
Single, no kids, CEO of Hell.
I continue to get my meal delivery kits,
even though half of them go
straight into the trash.
So what's your deal?
Are you actually super evil
and faking the "sweet old lady" thing?
[laughing] Oh, heavens no!
I'm decent all the way through.
I have a lifetime of questions for you.
So you volunteer here?
I actually used to lead the congregation,
but after Pastor James showed up,
he forced me out.
Excuse me?
He forced my mother
out of doing the thing she loved!
[ominous music playing]
Well, we'll see about that.
[crows cawing]
[slurping]
Hey, Walt, we need a fuse for a
- Shh. The vampires are sleeping.
- [shattering]
[dramatic music playing]
- [bat growling, gnawing]
- [all screaming]
[Walt moaning, groaning]
Wait, is is that a pug?
And a vampire.
- A vampug.
- Why didn't you say that earlier?
For the same reason
I don't mention Slenderman is a Gemini.
What difference does it make?
[Walt groaning]
[dramatic music playing]
- Bad dog.
- [whimpering]
So what brought you to this godforsaken
skid mark of a town? Huh?
I thought a road trip
with my kids would bring us together.
Yeah. My ex and I talked
about doing the whole kids thing,
but he was like, "When you're a mom,
you can't stay out all night
beheading vampires."
Uh, "Okay, Ian."
"Newsflash, that's when vampires are out."
Truth is, that mom life seems so boring.
Well, I wouldn't exactly say I'm bored.
Between Greta accidentally
setting the house on fire with experiments
and Travis intentionally
setting the house on fire for views,
things aren't dull.
Actually, when you think about it,
being a mom is kind of the ultimate
high-risk, high-reward adventure.
Seems like this town also attracts
conversation vampires.
[gasping]
The fuse! Okay, now let's go before they
- [vampugs growling]
- [both gasping]
[dramatic music playing]
[both groaning]
[Millie] When I was little,
I threw up on a roller coaster,
and the guy behind me was Fabio.
And from then on,
I was the girl who puked on Fabio.
Wait, you're girl-who-puked-on-Fabio?
Yeah. They rushed him
to the hair and face hospital,
but it was too late.
Being puked on made him
three percent less handsome,
which was enough
to bring his entire empire crashing down.
That's when people started recognizing me
in public,
asking me to barf on them for selfies.
- I'm the Horky Porky kid.
- I know.
[soft music playing]
Remember, you are God's children,
and he loves you,
unless you live in a blue state,
then you're more like a whiny nephew
that he pretends to like
during the holidays.
[heavy metal music playing]
[in demonic voice]
I'm just kidding. God is dead.
Go commit every sin imaginable.
Park in handicapped spaces.
Microwave cauliflower at work.
Pee in a rented wetsuit.
[laughing evilly]
[all gasping]
Did you just possess him?
Yeah. We're gonna get your old job back.
Ha! That's my girl.
[laughing evilly]
Go forth. Eat bacon.
Use plastic straws.
Wear a fedora unironically.
Pastor James would never say that.
He must be possessed.
Come on, y'all. Let's exorcise him.
[all] The power of God compels you.
The power of God compels you.
The power of God compels you.
[purring] Hey! You ever get like
an electric tingling in your butthole,
like a call for help from deep within?
Nope.
- [heavy metal music continues]
- [people screaming]
[heavenly tone]
Holy water! It burns!
My brothers and sisters,
you just witnessed a failed possession.
The devil chose to attack me
because of my divine connection to God.
Praise God!
Praise me!
Praise James.
- Praise him forever!
- Praise him!
[all cheering]
[Marv grunting]
There. Good luck getting through that.
[people yelling, groaning]
Huh. Guess I shouldn't have
wished them luck.
Hey! The oat milk's gone.
Let's demolish this place!
[all screaming, yelling]
[woman] I need my oat milk!
Hey, oat chuggers!
Leave him alone.
[heroic music playing]
[dramatic sting]
Oh well. Guess it's time to die.
Come on, man.
You're Marvelous freaking Higgins,
for Christ's sake. Take charge!
[heroic music playing]
[grunting]
People of Big Bulk.
You are heard. You are understood.
You want oat milk.
We have none,
but we stocked an alternative.
It's called milk.
[music ends]
The color must be a subtle homage
to oat milk.
Oh, so they blend the cows
to make the milk.
Shouldn't it technically
be called "milk milk"?
[all groaning]
Wait.
Milk doesn't have lactose in it, does it?
[all farting]
We have toilet paper.
The answer truly is toilet paper.
[victorious music plays]
I'm so sorry.
I just made things worse for you.
I don't belong up here.
I don't belong in Hell.
- I don't belong anywhere.
- Oh hush. You know who you sound like?
Your father.
What? Yeah, right.
Dad was the greatest Satan of all time.
That's who he became.
When he first got hired,
he failed constantly.
I couldn't even get
a measly possession right.
Don't worry about it.
Pastor James, and pardon my language,
is an ass.
He can have the congregation.
Wait, what did you just say?
[pipe organ playing]
Shirley, I said I wanted
"We Built This City" in D minor.
Get it together, dummy.
E Everyone, everyone,
I have an announcement.
Pastor James is
the serial mooner.
- [heavy metal music playing]
- [all gasping]
[Pastor James grunting, groaning]
[woman] The cheeks!
They are an exact match!
- [Pastor James groaning]
- [all laughing]
You literally just hit me
where the good Lord split me.
Praise Shirley!
Shirley forever!
[all cheering]
Impressive. How did you know it was James?
Well, first off,
streakers love to be seen.
They're exhibitionists.
Never skip leg day. Ha!
[Devilcat] Then, I thought about
what you said.
Pastor James, and pardon my language,
is an ass. [echoing]
Wow, no purebred demon
would've ever put that together.
Being half-human makes you so much better
at figuring us out.
This is why you are destined
to be the greatest devil,
or Devilcat,
the universe has ever known.
Hey. Maybe you could come down
and live with me.
I could blow up the air mattress.
Actually, all beds
in Hell are air mattresses, so
Oh. [chuckles]
That's very kind of you,
but I belong up here.
And thanks to you,
I've got a congregation to run.
[soft music playing]
Huh. Rejected by your own mother.
I can relate.
Look, Greta, I know you're still bent
out of shape about what your mom said.
But you have to understand.
She's just a dumb, confused human.
And that human part is
what makes her so wonderful.
You know, Marv, I was wrong about you.
You're not a feckless, uncharismatic,
hunched, gutless, bald human bagpipe
incapable of managing a Big Bulk.
You are capable of managing a Big Bulk.
I'd like to promote you
to general manager.
[gasping] I won't let you down, sir.
Marv, well done, man.
I'm proud of you.
Hey, that sounded sincere
when I said it. I think I meant it.
- Oh, Godcat, that's so sweet.
- [purring]
You know, we make a good team.
Hey! You should join
my Dungeons & Dragons league.
Whoa. Slow down.
I said I was happy for you.
I didn't say I wanted
to turn my beard beard into a neck beard.
[dramatic music playing]
- [barking]
- They're closing in. What do we do?
Grab my waist. I have an idea.
- [alarm blaring]
- [Abbie grunts]
- Uh Mom?
- Greta? What are you doing here?
There was a note at the auto shop.
I couldn't read your handwriting.
I thought it said, "Headed to junkyard.
Off to butt ham fires."
- No. "Off to hunt vampires."
- Aw, look at these little doggos.
- [growling]
- Ow!
No!
- [dramatic music continues]
- [Greta groaning]
[groans, barks]
There must be some way
to reverse it. Think.
Well, legend has it,
as long as the alpha roams the earth,
its victims will forever be vampugs.
- But no one has ever seen the alpha.
- [loud thud]
[growling, roaring]
What about the house-sized one
with the collar that says "Alpha"?
Huh. Well, fresh eyes, I guess.
- [alarm blaring]
- [both yelling]
- [vampugs growling]
- [Abbie] Hyah!
- Bad dog. Heel. No treats. Bad.
- Hyah!
- [clattering]
- Huh?
[snarling]
Behind you.
[growls softly]
I've got an idea.
[barking, growling]
[grunting]
[barking]
- [soft music playing]
- [Greta panting]
Greta! Thank God you're back to normal.
My nose was pressing on my brain.
Pugs are not okay.
[Abbie] Hmm.
Greta, honey,
I'm sorry for dragging you on this trip.
I was trying to make up for
Well, you know.
Mom, I know you didn't mean
that you regret having me and Travis.
You just have complex feelings
about trading your career for a family.
I was too hard on you.
[car engine turning]
It's on the house,
and I've got something for you.
[triumphant music plays]
Wow.
I forgot how good it feels
to get a commendation.
It's like burpees for my self-esteem.
You know, I could use a partner.
Ever think of going pro?
Do it, Mom. It'll make you happy.
Greta, I'm already happy.
Besides, being your mom
spikes my adrenaline way more
than monster hunting ever could.
Oh, sorry, I meant the car stuff
was on the house.
Notarization of the Vampire Hunter
certificate is actually 80 bucks.
[groaning]
Keep the change.
Yeah, it's hard to describe.
It's art, sure,
but it's also a commentary on our society.
It's beautiful and tragic, all at once.
Wow, I hope one day you could show me
this butt clap compilation.
[tires screeching]
Come on, Trav. We're leaving. Now.
Oh. Looks like I gotta go,
but can I get your number?
Oh, right. Um Can I get your email?
Oh, right.
[soft music playing]
You could write me a romantic letter,
and then I could write you one back,
and we'll sit by the mailbox and wait
for the postman to arrive each day,
hoping against hope.
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- I get it. It's a lot.
Mwah!
Best trip ever!
Abbie, pull over!
- [dramatic music playing]
- [tires screeching]
[gasps] Oh!
[soft music playing]
- [bottle cork popping]
- [laughing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[dramatic sting]
Huh?
["Forest Light" playing]
Leaves that unfold ♪
In the age to come ♪
[Fabio screaming]
As they burst to life ♪
Each great and small ♪
For the age to come ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Mark your compass ♪
Larks to follow you home ♪
[music ends]