Fam (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Forgive me if this comes off as rude, but who the hell are you? I'm Kyle.
I go to school with Shannon.
Did you sleep here? Yeah.
Want some eggs? Hey, babe, I was thinking What is that? That is a Kyle.
It spent the night.
It spent the night? Want some eggs? Nobody wants your runny-ass eggs, man.
Morning.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
What are you still doing here? Thought you left.
- I got hungry.
I made you some eggs.
- Aw.
I'll see you at school tomorrow.
- Bye.
- Bye.
How cute is he?! He made me eggs! He made me eggs! He made me eggs! I don't care how cute he is and the boy is cute she cannot have guys sleep over.
I know, but I can't just tell her that.
- Why not? - For one, when I was her age, I had guys sleep over all occasionally.
The problem is I can't tell Shannon what to do because I'm her sister, not her mom.
But your sister is living with us, and if she's gonna stay here, she has to play by our rules.
Yeah, but she doesn't have to stay here.
If we're too strict with her, she might move out and go back to my dad's or God knows where.
- Which we - Don't want.
Don't want.
But we do have to talk to her.
Absolutely.
(sighs) But look on the bright side: after living with my sister, our kids are gonna seem like a breeze.
Our kids? We can barely deal with Shannon.
Th-There's no way I can imagine kids of our own.
Okay, Nick, I got it.
I'm just saying.
Look, we'll have kids in a few years.
Right? After Shannon goes to college, or jail.
Besides, I am too young for this to turn into a dad bod.
Yeah, because your body is the one that will take the hit.
This is a sensitive conversation, Nick, so just let me handle it.
Clem, she's your sister; there's no way I'm getting involved.
I'm gonna nod silently and agree with everything you say.
Perfect.
Shannon? - 'Sup? - You cannot have guys sleep over here! Nick! And the silent nodding starts now.
Look, I know Nick can be a little old-fashioned, but I agree with him.
I'm not happy that Kyle slept over either.
Oh, my God! We didn't even do anything.
He got drunk and passed out, so I bought a bunch of stuff on his Amazon account.
I got you guys a new spatula.
Happy? - Not even a little bit.
- I mean, we did need a new spatula.
Look, Kyle isn't just some rando.
I actually really like this guy.
He was the first person to be nice to me at my new school.
Plus, he's handsome, he's good-looking, and he's, like, really hot.
Look, Shannon, I worry about you.
And having guys sleep over, it's just asking for trouble.
When my mom had me, she was way too young, and it ruined her life.
- What makes you think that? - She told me.
Well, look, I'm not gonna get pregnant, okay? (laughs): I'm not an idiot.
Would an idiot be getting almost a "C" in Algebra? What do you mean "almost"? You're getting a "D" in Algebra? Almost.
I'm sorry, but it feels like you guys are having a problem with everything I do since I moved in.
That's not true.
I found my favorite eyeliner in your underwear drawer, and I didn't say a thing.
You were looking through my drawers? What? No.
No, that would be No.
I was putting away your laundry.
Yeah, you don't put away my laundry.
You leave it on the floor, hoping I'll get the message, but I never do.
Look, I really appreciate you guys letting me live here.
I do.
(chuckles): But I also need my privacy.
And I don't think that's such an insane request.
Fine.
You want privacy? You promise no more guys sleeping over, I'll promise no more snooping.
Deal? Fine.
You got yourself a deal.
Oh, my God, no.
Dude, of course no one's seen it.
Yeah, it's in my room.
Oh, it's in my drawer.
(whispers): What's in her drawer? Oh.
Hi.
BOTH: Hi.
Thought you guys went to work.
- Still here.
- Not yet.
Okay.
Well I'm gonna go to school.
Bye.
Have a good day.
Oh, my God, you have no idea Don't do it, Clem.
Do what, Nick? - Snoop in her room.
- (sighs) Look, the way I was raised, when you make a deal, you stick by it.
So if you want Shannon to respect the rules, you have to respect them, too.
(sighs) Why do you have to be so damn ethical? Oh, come on, you know it gets you all hot when your boy's all ethical.
- You're right, it kind of does.
- (laughs) - See you tonight.
- Okay.
(sighs) - Ah, don't do it.
- What? (chuckles) I wasn't.
(sighs) You hid a pregnancy test in your room to catch her snooping? Yup.
And the best part is, when Clem finds it, it'll prove she broke our deal, which means I can have Kyle sleep over anytime I want.
So wait, how'd you get a positive pregnancy test? Mm.
Okay, so first thing I did was I asked this pregnant girl in my homeroom, right, for some pee - Mm-hmm.
- but she was like, "Go away.
" BOTH: Rude.
- So then I googled it - Yeah.
and, what do you know, pouring Coke on a pregnancy test turns it positive.
(scoffs) And you're sure your sister's gonna find it? After the phone call I faked this morning, definitely.
This is such a great idea.
I might pull it on my stupid stepmom.
Dude, dude, you should get two positive pregnancy tests - for her to find - Yeah.
and then she'll think you're having twins.
(sighs): Oh, dear God.
Okay.
Come on, Shannon.
(sighs) (groans) Oh, God, no.
Please don't be a plus.
Please don't be a plus.
Please don't be a plus.
(screaming) Hey, sweetie.
Ben, thank you so much for coming.
Nick is teaching, and I didn't know who else to call.
Well, it better be important.
I had to get another instructor to cover my SoulCycle class for this.
Do you have any idea how upset people are gonna be when they walk in and see Michelle? What's wrong with Michelle? Everything! (exhales) So what's going on? My sister is pregnant.
What? Shannon is pregnant.
Girl, I am shocked.
No, I'm not.
No, it's actually an incredibly easy buy.
Wait, when did she tell you? She didn't.
I was snooping in her room even though I made a deal with her that I wouldn't and I found the pregnancy test in one of her drawers, and now I don't know what to do.
You know, this whole thing reminds me of when my parents found out I was gay.
Mom was hanging clothes in my closet and found a DVD of Hung Jury: 12 Man-gry Men.
And then they told you that they knew? Are you kidding? My parents were amazing.
They didn't say a thing.
They just went out of their way to let me know that they were there for me, no matter what.
No judgment.
So you're saying that's what I should do so that Shannon will tell me about the pregnancy? Actually, I was just telling a story about myself.
All right, so I am going to make sure that Shannon knows that I'm there for her, and then wait for her to come to me.
Exactly, and before you know it, she'll be pulling the pregnancy test out of that drawer, and - Oh, God.
- What? After I found it, I was walking around my apartment in a daze, and I think I may have left it on the kitchen counter, so I need to go home right now before she comes home - and finds it.
- Oh.
Okay.
So glad we didn't just do this over the phone.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Thank you.
- Bye.
Mwah.
- Love you.
(sighs) Oh, my God.
Yeah.
(doorbell rings) Hey, son.
What you doing here? I, uh, I have some big news.
You're finally gonna shave that beard that makes you look like that genie from Aladdin? Oh, Walt.
What's going on, honey? Guys Clem's pregnant.
Yes! Yes, yes! Yes, yes! I'm gonna be a grandma! I'm happy for you, too, son.
I'm just showing it in a less absolutely insane way.
So, come on, sit, sit, come on, sit.
So, how did Clem tell you? That's the thing; she hasn't.
She left the pregnancy test on the kitchen counter for me to find because I-I think she's afraid to tell me.
Why would she be afraid to tell you that she's gonna have a b Baby! I actually think she was trying to tell me yesterday by bringing up us having kids, but she stopped because I made her feel like I wasn't ready, - because I'm not.
- (gasps) Shut your mouth! I mean, let's discuss why is it that you feel this way.
I don't know.
You know? The plan was to wait a few years.
And this is all happening so fast.
I mean, I just signed up for a softball league.
Am I gonna be able to do that? Trust me, when it comes to having kids, no one is ever truly ready.
And then your baby is born, and you see that perfect little face, and it just fills your heart with joy.
And that feeling never goes away.
And then they grow up.
And cover that face with a weird beard.
Sweetheart, you are ready to have this baby.
You really think so? Are you kidding? You are gonna be a fantastic father.
Absolutely.
You know what, maybe I can do this.
I do have a lot of knowledge to pass on.
Plus, it'd be nice to have a little wingman.
'Cause I'm starting to get a lot of weird looks when I go to Pixar movies alone.
(phone chimes) - Oh, it's Clem.
- Oh.
- She wants to talk.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what, I'm gonna go home and let her know that she has nothing to worry about.
I am ready to be a father.
- (laughs) - Mm.
Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
(laughs) - Ooh.
And I'm ready, too.
I've got a whole closet full of baby clothes, folded and ready to go.
Mom, you already bought baby clothes? And pacifiers and a diaper genie and a high chair.
That is not true, Walt.
Actually, the high chair is still in my Buy Buy Baby cart.
But with one click, your baby can be sitting high! - Mwah.
- All right.
No judgment.
No judgment.
Hey, Clem.
There's my favorite sister! Okay.
Come in.
Sit down.
Put your feet up.
Do you want a snack? I can get you a snack.
Why are you being so nice to me? Because I care about you.
And I support you no matter what.
Thanks, Clem.
That's real sweet.
You know what's sweet? Fresh-baked cookies.
Nah, my stomach's blecch.
Really? Must have been something I ate.
Or maybe it was something else.
Like what? What else could it possibly be? I don't know.
Maybe you're Maybe I'm what? What am I, Clem? It doesn't matter.
But whatever it is, you can tell me.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
(coughs) No, I'm gonna puke! Shannon? Shannon? (retching) Hey, Shannon, are you okay in there? Oh, I'm fine.
(retching dramatically) Just give me a minute.
(retching dramatically) - Oh.
- Hey, babe.
Good, you're home.
We need to talk.
I know what you want to talk about.
You do? I found the pregnancy test, and-and sure, like, this might be happening a little early A little? This is a disaster.
And that's what I thought at first, too, but now now I'm really, really happy.
How could you be happy? We don't even know who the father is.
We don't know who the father is? (sighs) Yeah.
I mean, it could be Kyle.
How could it be Kyle?! I don't know, Nick.
It could be anyone.
Excuse me? Why are you so surprised? Because I assumed that I was the only person you were having sex with! What? No.
(chuckles) I mean yes.
(chuckles) Yes.
No, sweetie.
Sweetie, I'm not pregnant.
Shannon is pregnant.
So, wait, you're not pregnant? Damn.
Wait, Shannon's pregnant? Damn! Yeah, but she doesn't know that I know.
Oh, yes, I do.
'Cause you snooped, you narc.
Who cares that I snooped? You're pregnant.
Oh, my God, you're not pregnant.
No! That test was a fake to prove you were snooping.
Damn it, Shannon, I am so angry and so relieved, and so mad and so happy all at the same time! I'm texting Kyle, because according to our deal, I get to have him sleep over.
The eggplant emoji? That's right.
I have no idea what that means, young lady, but that little punk is not sleeping over, as gorgeous as he is.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but we had a deal.
And once you send the eggplant emoji, there's, like, no turning back.
Yeah, well, screw the deal.
This is our house.
And, yes, you can leave whenever you want, but as long as you're here under this roof, what we say goes.
Hypocrites.
(door slams) Babe, I just, I have one question.
Yes, the eggplant is a penis.
Well, then that means I've been flirting with my vegan coworker Steven.
(sighs) Shannon? Can you take your headphones off so that you can hear me? Sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm wearing headphones.
Shannon.
What? I'm sorry that I broke the deal.
Okay? But I never should have made it in the first place.
I'm new to this whole parenting thing, and I don't really know what I'm doing.
But all I know is that I'm responsible for you.
Yeah, and it's driving me crazy.
Maybe I should just move back in with Dad, and go back to my old school, where the pregnant girls are nice and share their pee.
You just want to go back to Dad's because he lets you do whatever you want.
Hey, now you're catching on.
Well, that's not me.
And while you're here, you don't get to do whatever you want.
Because I'm watching out for you, Shannon, which is something that Dad never did for either of us.
Yeah, well, maybe that's what I want.
Maybe it is.
But just know that Dad wasn't good at saying this to us, but I love you.
I do.
A lot.
So just think about that before you decide to go.
(sighs) (door closes) So, how'd it go? Terrible.
I think she's gonna go back to my Dad's.
Sorry, babe.
Yeah, me, too.
But, hey, you should be happy that we're not having a kid because I completely suck at this.
How dare you?! What? What did I do? You just had to pull out the big guns, didn't you? Telling me you love me.
You're sick, you know that? Sick! So you're staying? Like I have a choice now.
"I love you.
" Who says these things?! I do.
I do, too.
Okay, whatever.
(retches) Wait, am I good at this? Am I, like, really good at this? Girl, you are fantastic! (knock on door) Hey, I'm here to see Shannon.
Sorry, man, not happening.
Bro, I don't think you understand, okay? She sent me the eggplant emoji.
It's basically the Bat-Signal.
If you don't leave right now, I'm gonna send you the cut-up cucumber emoji.
Buh-bye.
(singing) That was awesome.
I cannot wait to make a baby with you.
Mm.
But not for, like, five to seven years, right? - Minimum.
- Mm.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You're telling me that no one is pregnant.
Nope.
Just Kimmie from my homeroom.
But no one in this room is, if that's what you're asking.
So, sweetheart, gonna bring out that apple pie? Oh, that is why we are here.
It's my favorite thing that she makes.
Oh, really? No pie for you.
But I was looking forward to that.
Oh, did you get your hopes up for something, just to have them cruelly dashed? Cause I did! Excuse me.
- Mom, are you serious? - ROSE: I'm serious!