Family Reunion (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Remember That Crazy Road Trip?
1 [SCATS.]
A Netflix Original I want y'all to meet my family They're coming down south To stay with me - Big Moz - Do you love me? - Yep - I'm Cocoa Jade in the house, I've got a lot to say I'm a big sis Can't-miss renegade - Call me Shaka now - Hey - I'm the, I'm the chief rocker now - Hey Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi That's me - Little mommy, I'm Ami - Hey Singing loud and having fun It's Family Reunion [M'DEAR LAUGHS.]
[ALABI.]
Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
How's the lobster? Oh, it's kinda scrawny.
Bring me his daddy.
I'd also like a bone-in ribeye and oysters Rockefeller as an appetizer.
- What'd you get if you paid the check? - Soup of the day.
But since I'm not, don't forget the dessert menu.
Don't.
Don't.
- I'll have what she's having.
- No, you won't.
Better crack open that kids' menu and order some fish sticks.
Um, I'll have the dover sole, no butter, and are the root vegetables prepared with lard? You're in Georgia, honey.
Lard is in the water.
Well, I guess I'll have to stick with wine.
Oh, well.
I'm tired of eating out.
When's the kitchen gonna be fixed? Oh, in two weeks.
All of my appliances are on backorder.
I am just so excited about having a new kitchen.
So you spanked me when you should've thanked me.
You want me to thank you again? No, thank you.
So, school's starting next week.
Are you excited? Ain't no party Like a back-to-school party 'Cause a back-to-school party Don't stop - [COCOA CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, slow your roll.
She was talking to us.
- Oh, my God.
- [M'DEAR.]
What? [ALL.]
What? What? - It's Clyde and Angie.
- They must've followed us here.
We got to go.
We got to go right now.
Who's Clyde and Angie? Who are you talking about? Where'd y'all go, and who paying for this dinner? Hey Girl Move, baby, move.
Oh.
[RATTLES DOOR HANDLE.]
Come on, come on.
Unh.
Poor Mom.
She really had the bubble guts.
I told her, "When your oysters look like scallops and smell like shrimp, to leave it alone.
" - Well, I'm starving.
- I'm so hungry, I could eat vegetables.
Yeah, well, sit down and start talking, because no one said anything in the car ride home.
'Cause you fussed the whole way home.
No one else could get a word in.
Well, I just could not believe that you all jumped up, ran out, and left me.
Really? What's M'Dear's Rule of Survival number six? When you see black people running, run like your life depends on it, 'cause it probably does.
Yes, but what is rule number seven? [ALL.]
Never leave M'Dear.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Nobody is going in my house until somebody tells me why we are not eating this lovely dinner at the restaurant.
[SIGHS.]
Well, it's a long, crazy story.
You know, the trip here from Seattle was a nightmare.
Well, now would be a good time to talk about it.
[ALL MUTTER.]
Now would be a good time to talk about it! Okay.
I'll start.
Let's just say our trip back to Georgia was a trip.
Hey - Whoa.
- Whoa.
- [SHAKA LAUGHS.]
- [COCOA.]
Hey.
[MAZZI.]
That is awesome.
This cannot be happening.
Oh, it's happening.
[CAR HORN PLAYS "LA CUCARACHA".]
- We're taking a road trip to Georgia? - Mm-hmm.
But it's, like, ten million miles away.
Ahh.
And we pay how much to send her to private school? The fact that you don't know how much is a problem, too.
Can't we just take this thing back and get some plane tickets? I'll even fly Spirit.
This is gonna be so much fun.
We're gonna be on the road, seeing real Americans.
Ooh, do you think we could stop at a Walmart or a Waffle House? I'll put it on the list.
- Yes.
Whoo-hoo.
- [MOUTHS.]
[MOUTHING.]
[MAZZI.]
Whoo.
- This is awesome.
- It's got everything.
A bedroom, a HDTV, a microwave.
Ooh, a toilet.
I'm gonna go try it out.
I was hoping he was talking about the microwave.
Yep.
RVs are so not you.
What'd he offer you? Clothes? Jewelry? - Red bottoms? - He didn't promise me anything.
Don't forget, I get to drive.
How long is it gonna take us to drive to Columbus? As long as we want.
We can see the sights, eat some local cuisine.
We're in no hurry.
- Yes.
- Well, that's a positive.
I'm definitely in no hurry to get back to Georgia.
Dad, let's go.
I've never pooped on the move.
It's on my bucket list.
That's yo' son.
All right, let's hit the road.
Don't forget, you said I could drive.
I won't forget.
I want you to drive.
I know you feel me staring at you.
Has anybody ever told you you drive like an old lady? Just you.
That's because I obey traffic laws, and you treat them like "suggestions.
" Well, at this rate, by the time we arrive, Ami will be able to drive this thing.
- You're not cute.
- Yeah, I am.
- Yeah, you are.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
The water pressure in there is great.
I think we should look into buying this thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
And how much cash do you plan to contribute? Three months of my allowance.
- That wouldn't buy a tire.
- Which leads to my second point.
I need a bigger allowance.
You need a bigger robe.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
The Grand Canyon's huge.
Yeah, that's why they call it the Grand Canyon and not the Okay Canyon.
[JADE CHUCKLES.]
The best part was watching Dad try to ride that donkey to the bottom.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[MOZ.]
Ow, ow.
I should sue those people.
Giving me a wild bull and calling it a donkey.
- He sure didn't like you.
- [MOZ SIGHS.]
That's 'cause he was racist.
Ahh.
- [MOZ EXHALES.]
- [COCOA SIGHS.]
You good? - You had fun, didn't you? - I guess.
Did you think the gift shop would have mini-license plates - with our kids' names on it? - Honey, they didn't even have Jade.
How do you have Jada, Jaylen, and Jahid, but no Jade? I told you that when we named 'em.
I said, "These aren't mini-license plate names.
" Well, do you know what'll make me feel better? If you let me drive.
Okay, you can drive.
As soon as we get to Albuquerque.
Ach.
Ahem.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, that hurts.
- Hoo.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Yep, you got it.
- Let's fire this bad boy up.
- [SING-SONG.]
Shotgun.
- What Fine.
I'll lay on the sofa with the family members who actually care about me.
Not here.
We're playing a game.
- Lay in the back.
- I'm returning y'all with the RV.
Set the GPS for Columbus.
Got it.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[MAZZI.]
Thanks to Jade, we ended up lost in Idaho.
I mean, who knew there was a Columbus, Ohio, and a Columbus, Georgia? - I did.
- Me too.
Yep.
Uch.
Mom, can we get some quarters to play video games? Uh, okay.
- But stay together.
- Okay.
- All right.
- We will.
Uch.
I'm gonna go call Pam and tell her to stop telling people that we got evicted and are living out of a van.
Wow.
- Ooh, fried pickles.
- They're horrible for you.
- Let's get two.
- Yas.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's not gonna happen.
- Oh.
No signal? - Nope.
My folks say people are so dependent on their cell phones, in, like, 20 years, they'll opt to have Wi-Fi implanted in their brains.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's a shame.
Twenty years is a long time to wait.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Parker.
My folks run this place.
I'm Jade.
It's nice.
Yeah.
So, where are you guys headed? Oh, Columbus.
Georgia, not Ohio.
- Did you know there were two of them? - What? When did that happen? I know, right? You're messing with me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Just a little bit.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JADE V.
O.
.]
Parker was so cute.
He looked just like Chris Hemsworth.
He's fine, but he's not as fine as Chris.
M'Dear, what do you know about Chris Hemsworth? I know he's Thor, and he brings the thunder from Down Under.
Ma, the children.
I'm not dead yet.
Ask your father.
I most certainly will not! So, Jade, what happened with Parker? Those mashed potatoes were the bomb.
- Yes, they were.
- Mm-hmm.
- Parker seemed nice.
- Yeah.
Too bad he's seven months early.
What? We agreed she wouldn't date until she was 15.
Mm-hmm.
He doesn't know about the too-fine-to-leave-behind exception clause.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MOZ.]
Thank you.
Hey, I packed you guys with some extras.
[BOTH.]
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
She's still 14.
Okay.
Dad.
Come on, guys.
Let's give Jade a minute to say goodbye.
Why does she need a whole minute? Goodbye.
See? It's quick.
That's it.
It's over.
[COCOA.]
Ahh.
Come on.
[JADE LAUGHS.]
- Um - It-It was really cool to meet you.
You too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your family seems so nice.
Yeah, we're really close.
- Aw.
- Uh, do you wanna exchange numbers? Yeah, sure.
Cool.
I'll text this to my dad.
Why would your dad need my number? Well, he's going to have to talk to you if he's going to marry you.
- Marry me? - Yes.
It's a great honor to be wife number three.
Just ask one and two.
- Yeah.
- [NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
We gotta go! We gotta go now! - [SHAKA.]
What? What? What's going on? - Is everything okay? Wha Jade? Jade! [ALL GRUNT.]
Floor it, man! Floor it! - [GASPS.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- That was crazy.
- Where's Mom? - She's out there! - What? [SCREAMING.]
- Pull her in! - [ALL CLAMORING.]
- [JADE.]
Get her in, Shaka! - [COCOA SHRIEKS.]
[MOZ.]
Close it, close it! [COCOA PANTING.]
Go, man, go! [TIRES SCREECH.]
[MOZ.]
I drove all night to get out of that state.
I looked in the air And saw a big ol' bird He looked at me and said, "What's the word?" I say, "Ain't nothing Just wish I could fly" He said, "I can teach you For a piece of your pie" I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" - I said, "Me, me, oh, my" - Oh, my I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" - I said, "Me, me, oh, my" - Oh, my I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" - I said, "Me, me, oh, my" - Oh, my I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" I said, "Teach me how to fly" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Hey Girl - Mom.
- Hmm? It feels like we've been crossing Texas forever.
Can you please take the wheel from Slow Moz? Hey, Moz.
I think I'm ready to drive again.
Okay.
I'll pull over.
[KIDS CHEERING.]
[CHEERING STOPS.]
[CHEERING RESUMES.]
What's up? Wh-What's up? - [THUD.]
- [ALL SCREAM.]
What's really going on? I'm hit.
[WHIMPERS.]
I'm hit.
Mazzi, tell my story.
Are you okay? Uh, that's barbecue sauce from your nuggets.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Right.
A tire blew.
That was intense.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Why are you smiling? The way you handle this rig, girl.
I fell in love with you all over again.
Should we call roadside assistance? Mm-mmm.
No.
I don't need any assistance.
- Mm.
Okay.
- Mm-mmm.
None.
- Come on over.
Come here.
- [THUD.]
- [COCOA.]
Aah.
- What the You guys stay here.
What next? [HISSING.]
What were you doin' stopping in the middle of the highway? Um, clearly we're on the side of the road.
Are you blind? No! I assure you, I have 20-20 vision, sir! Sir? Just let me get my insurance card.
My bag is in the trunk.
- [COUGHS.]
- Wow.
Someone needs to take his keys.
As long as he takes care of it, fine.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Is he taking off? On a bike? Hey, stop! We still have your car! [MAN.]
So? It's not mine! I need to take some pictures.
I meant of the RV, but you know what? Get it.
Get it.
Yeah.
Hey, hey And he looked in my beautiful wife's face and said, "I assure you, I have 20-20 vision, sir.
" [LAUGHING.]
It's funny, now that I think about it.
- No, it wasn't.
- It sure wasn't.
That's bananas.
I know.
The cops sorted everything out when they got there.
Good thing I got the rental insurance.
Good thing I told you to get it.
Isn't that what I said? Clyde tries to take credit for everything, too.
He almost convinced my family that he gave birth to our twins.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, how do you explain these stretch marks? That's a beer baby, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we got to call it a night.
The best thing about living in our camper and traveling around is meeting nice people like you guys.
Aw.
We feel the same way.
And, Clyde, Angie, you ever get to Columbus, look us up.
- Oh, we will.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Good night, sir.
[LAUGHS.]
That's the thing the old man Hey, Moz, Mazzi, can you grab us some more firewood? - The men are on it.
Right, son? - [LIKE A CAVEMAN.]
Men find wood.
- Mm.
Find.
Me find wood.
- Find wood.
Find wood.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, guys, now it's time for my favorite part about camping.
S'mores.
The way the chocolate and the marshmallow melt together, sticking to the graham crackers.
Ooh, it's a little taste of ooey-gooey heaven.
Oh.
Heh.
I ate all the chocolate.
And I finished off all the marshmallows.
Oh.
Well, warm crackers it is.
[CRUNCH.]
My bad.
- Do you hear that? - [DRUMS BEATING.]
Are those drums? [TRILLS TONGUE.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CHANTING.]
[BLEATS.]
[CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Wow.
That's creepy.
Mazzi, h Boy, I'm gonna tell your mama! We gotta go! We gotta go right now! [SCREAMING.]
No, no, no.
Y'all aren't leaving me again! [GRUNTS.]
[JADE SCREAMS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Clyde and Angie? The way you described them, they seemed so nice.
[SIGHS.]
M'Dear, people are not always what they seem.
Well, what happened next? Well, after that little adventure, we needed to regroup.
And please keep our family safe from all the crazies out there.
- [JADE.]
Mm.
- In your name we pray, amen.
[ALL.]
Amen.
That was nice.
- Good night, kids.
- Good night.
[JADE.]
At that point, the RV permanently smelled like feet.
- Are we there yet? - Not yet, sweet pea.
But we're close.
Should be smooth sailing from now on.
[THUD.]
That wasn't very smooth.
- What was that? - I think it was a raccoon.
[GASPS.]
A raccoon? Like Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy? I doubt he has a smart mouth or carries a space gun, - but, yeah, like Rocket.
- We can't just leave him.
What if he's hurt? We have to pull over.
Okay.
All this fuss over nothing.
A raccoon is just a rat with a blowout.
There.
All right.
I think this is deep enough.
Okay, Ami.
It's time to start the home-going service.
But why? Why? Take me instead.
[CHITTERS.]
Did that bag just move? [CHITTERS.]
I think it's alive.
It's a miracle.
- [SNARLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[COCOA SCREAMING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Aah! [COCOA.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Honey, honey! Are you okay? Are you okay? Okay, okay.
- [COCOA.]
Oh, my God! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
[ALL PANTING.]
I know Pro Bowl defensive ends that are easier to take down.
The most important thing is you're okay.
Am I? - [COCOA.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
This is for sure gonna go viral.
- Delete it, Jade.
- Yeah, Jade.
[MOUTHS.]
[MOUTHS.]
[GASPS.]
Uh-oh.
He's back.
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
[CHITTERS.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [CHITTERING.]
And he's brought some friends! We gotta go.
We gotta go right now! Let's go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! [JADE.]
Wait! Okay.
Wait! Daddy, pick me up! Ahh! Come on, we gotta go.
Start the RV! [MOZ.]
And we didn't stop again until we got to your doorstep.
[CAR HORN PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA".]
Oh, no.
What on earth? Hey.
[ALL PANTING.]
It is so good to be here.
And that's the whole crazy story.
Well, I feel better.
Talking about it helps.
Whew.
I feel better, too.
Uh, don't go in the house for about 35-40 minutes.
What'd I miss? Polygamists, voodoo priests, killer raccoons.
Please.
This story sounds as believable as weight-loss ice cream.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go up and get ready for my evening walk.
I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night.
[M'DEAR.]
Whoo! Hey, hey, hey - Hey, hey - [HUMMING.]
Mm.
Voodoo, my Aunt Sally.
Aah! Aah! Jesus! Aah! [MOZ.]
Thank you, baby.
- What's that running towards us? - It's not another raccoon, is it? No.
That's bigger than a raccoon.
It looks like M'Dear.
No, no, no, no.
M'Dear can't run.
She has a bad knee.
[SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God! We gotta go! We gotta go right now! [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [COCOA.]
Open the door! - Aah! I ripped it off! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [COCOA.]
Are you serious? There's a window open in the parlor! [SCREAMING.]
[ALL GASP.]
Huh! Save yourselves! Aah! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [COCOA.]
Okay! Okay! Go, go, go, go, go! Go! Go! Wait! Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! I know you're not leaving me! [MOZ SCREAMING.]
[COCOA.]
Okay, okay.
Go! Okay! Go, go, go, go, go! [CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
A Netflix Original I want y'all to meet my family They're coming down south To stay with me - Big Moz - Do you love me? - Yep - I'm Cocoa Jade in the house, I've got a lot to say I'm a big sis Can't-miss renegade - Call me Shaka now - Hey - I'm the, I'm the chief rocker now - Hey Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi That's me - Little mommy, I'm Ami - Hey Singing loud and having fun It's Family Reunion [M'DEAR LAUGHS.]
[ALABI.]
Family Reunion was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
How's the lobster? Oh, it's kinda scrawny.
Bring me his daddy.
I'd also like a bone-in ribeye and oysters Rockefeller as an appetizer.
- What'd you get if you paid the check? - Soup of the day.
But since I'm not, don't forget the dessert menu.
Don't.
Don't.
- I'll have what she's having.
- No, you won't.
Better crack open that kids' menu and order some fish sticks.
Um, I'll have the dover sole, no butter, and are the root vegetables prepared with lard? You're in Georgia, honey.
Lard is in the water.
Well, I guess I'll have to stick with wine.
Oh, well.
I'm tired of eating out.
When's the kitchen gonna be fixed? Oh, in two weeks.
All of my appliances are on backorder.
I am just so excited about having a new kitchen.
So you spanked me when you should've thanked me.
You want me to thank you again? No, thank you.
So, school's starting next week.
Are you excited? Ain't no party Like a back-to-school party 'Cause a back-to-school party Don't stop - [COCOA CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, slow your roll.
She was talking to us.
- Oh, my God.
- [M'DEAR.]
What? [ALL.]
What? What? - It's Clyde and Angie.
- They must've followed us here.
We got to go.
We got to go right now.
Who's Clyde and Angie? Who are you talking about? Where'd y'all go, and who paying for this dinner? Hey Girl Move, baby, move.
Oh.
[RATTLES DOOR HANDLE.]
Come on, come on.
Unh.
Poor Mom.
She really had the bubble guts.
I told her, "When your oysters look like scallops and smell like shrimp, to leave it alone.
" - Well, I'm starving.
- I'm so hungry, I could eat vegetables.
Yeah, well, sit down and start talking, because no one said anything in the car ride home.
'Cause you fussed the whole way home.
No one else could get a word in.
Well, I just could not believe that you all jumped up, ran out, and left me.
Really? What's M'Dear's Rule of Survival number six? When you see black people running, run like your life depends on it, 'cause it probably does.
Yes, but what is rule number seven? [ALL.]
Never leave M'Dear.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Nobody is going in my house until somebody tells me why we are not eating this lovely dinner at the restaurant.
[SIGHS.]
Well, it's a long, crazy story.
You know, the trip here from Seattle was a nightmare.
Well, now would be a good time to talk about it.
[ALL MUTTER.]
Now would be a good time to talk about it! Okay.
I'll start.
Let's just say our trip back to Georgia was a trip.
Hey - Whoa.
- Whoa.
- [SHAKA LAUGHS.]
- [COCOA.]
Hey.
[MAZZI.]
That is awesome.
This cannot be happening.
Oh, it's happening.
[CAR HORN PLAYS "LA CUCARACHA".]
- We're taking a road trip to Georgia? - Mm-hmm.
But it's, like, ten million miles away.
Ahh.
And we pay how much to send her to private school? The fact that you don't know how much is a problem, too.
Can't we just take this thing back and get some plane tickets? I'll even fly Spirit.
This is gonna be so much fun.
We're gonna be on the road, seeing real Americans.
Ooh, do you think we could stop at a Walmart or a Waffle House? I'll put it on the list.
- Yes.
Whoo-hoo.
- [MOUTHS.]
[MOUTHING.]
[MAZZI.]
Whoo.
- This is awesome.
- It's got everything.
A bedroom, a HDTV, a microwave.
Ooh, a toilet.
I'm gonna go try it out.
I was hoping he was talking about the microwave.
Yep.
RVs are so not you.
What'd he offer you? Clothes? Jewelry? - Red bottoms? - He didn't promise me anything.
Don't forget, I get to drive.
How long is it gonna take us to drive to Columbus? As long as we want.
We can see the sights, eat some local cuisine.
We're in no hurry.
- Yes.
- Well, that's a positive.
I'm definitely in no hurry to get back to Georgia.
Dad, let's go.
I've never pooped on the move.
It's on my bucket list.
That's yo' son.
All right, let's hit the road.
Don't forget, you said I could drive.
I won't forget.
I want you to drive.
I know you feel me staring at you.
Has anybody ever told you you drive like an old lady? Just you.
That's because I obey traffic laws, and you treat them like "suggestions.
" Well, at this rate, by the time we arrive, Ami will be able to drive this thing.
- You're not cute.
- Yeah, I am.
- Yeah, you are.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
The water pressure in there is great.
I think we should look into buying this thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
And how much cash do you plan to contribute? Three months of my allowance.
- That wouldn't buy a tire.
- Which leads to my second point.
I need a bigger allowance.
You need a bigger robe.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
The Grand Canyon's huge.
Yeah, that's why they call it the Grand Canyon and not the Okay Canyon.
[JADE CHUCKLES.]
The best part was watching Dad try to ride that donkey to the bottom.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[MOZ.]
Ow, ow.
I should sue those people.
Giving me a wild bull and calling it a donkey.
- He sure didn't like you.
- [MOZ SIGHS.]
That's 'cause he was racist.
Ahh.
- [MOZ EXHALES.]
- [COCOA SIGHS.]
You good? - You had fun, didn't you? - I guess.
Did you think the gift shop would have mini-license plates - with our kids' names on it? - Honey, they didn't even have Jade.
How do you have Jada, Jaylen, and Jahid, but no Jade? I told you that when we named 'em.
I said, "These aren't mini-license plate names.
" Well, do you know what'll make me feel better? If you let me drive.
Okay, you can drive.
As soon as we get to Albuquerque.
Ach.
Ahem.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, that hurts.
- Hoo.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Yep, you got it.
- Let's fire this bad boy up.
- [SING-SONG.]
Shotgun.
- What Fine.
I'll lay on the sofa with the family members who actually care about me.
Not here.
We're playing a game.
- Lay in the back.
- I'm returning y'all with the RV.
Set the GPS for Columbus.
Got it.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[MAZZI.]
Thanks to Jade, we ended up lost in Idaho.
I mean, who knew there was a Columbus, Ohio, and a Columbus, Georgia? - I did.
- Me too.
Yep.
Uch.
Mom, can we get some quarters to play video games? Uh, okay.
- But stay together.
- Okay.
- All right.
- We will.
Uch.
I'm gonna go call Pam and tell her to stop telling people that we got evicted and are living out of a van.
Wow.
- Ooh, fried pickles.
- They're horrible for you.
- Let's get two.
- Yas.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's not gonna happen.
- Oh.
No signal? - Nope.
My folks say people are so dependent on their cell phones, in, like, 20 years, they'll opt to have Wi-Fi implanted in their brains.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's a shame.
Twenty years is a long time to wait.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Parker.
My folks run this place.
I'm Jade.
It's nice.
Yeah.
So, where are you guys headed? Oh, Columbus.
Georgia, not Ohio.
- Did you know there were two of them? - What? When did that happen? I know, right? You're messing with me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Just a little bit.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JADE V.
O.
.]
Parker was so cute.
He looked just like Chris Hemsworth.
He's fine, but he's not as fine as Chris.
M'Dear, what do you know about Chris Hemsworth? I know he's Thor, and he brings the thunder from Down Under.
Ma, the children.
I'm not dead yet.
Ask your father.
I most certainly will not! So, Jade, what happened with Parker? Those mashed potatoes were the bomb.
- Yes, they were.
- Mm-hmm.
- Parker seemed nice.
- Yeah.
Too bad he's seven months early.
What? We agreed she wouldn't date until she was 15.
Mm-hmm.
He doesn't know about the too-fine-to-leave-behind exception clause.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MOZ.]
Thank you.
Hey, I packed you guys with some extras.
[BOTH.]
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
She's still 14.
Okay.
Dad.
Come on, guys.
Let's give Jade a minute to say goodbye.
Why does she need a whole minute? Goodbye.
See? It's quick.
That's it.
It's over.
[COCOA.]
Ahh.
Come on.
[JADE LAUGHS.]
- Um - It-It was really cool to meet you.
You too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your family seems so nice.
Yeah, we're really close.
- Aw.
- Uh, do you wanna exchange numbers? Yeah, sure.
Cool.
I'll text this to my dad.
Why would your dad need my number? Well, he's going to have to talk to you if he's going to marry you.
- Marry me? - Yes.
It's a great honor to be wife number three.
Just ask one and two.
- Yeah.
- [NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
We gotta go! We gotta go now! - [SHAKA.]
What? What? What's going on? - Is everything okay? Wha Jade? Jade! [ALL GRUNT.]
Floor it, man! Floor it! - [GASPS.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- That was crazy.
- Where's Mom? - She's out there! - What? [SCREAMING.]
- Pull her in! - [ALL CLAMORING.]
- [JADE.]
Get her in, Shaka! - [COCOA SHRIEKS.]
[MOZ.]
Close it, close it! [COCOA PANTING.]
Go, man, go! [TIRES SCREECH.]
[MOZ.]
I drove all night to get out of that state.
I looked in the air And saw a big ol' bird He looked at me and said, "What's the word?" I say, "Ain't nothing Just wish I could fly" He said, "I can teach you For a piece of your pie" I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" - I said, "Me, me, oh, my" - Oh, my I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" - I said, "Me, me, oh, my" - Oh, my I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" - I said, "Me, me, oh, my" - Oh, my I said, "Me, me, oh, my, my" I said, "Teach me how to fly" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Hey Girl - Mom.
- Hmm? It feels like we've been crossing Texas forever.
Can you please take the wheel from Slow Moz? Hey, Moz.
I think I'm ready to drive again.
Okay.
I'll pull over.
[KIDS CHEERING.]
[CHEERING STOPS.]
[CHEERING RESUMES.]
What's up? Wh-What's up? - [THUD.]
- [ALL SCREAM.]
What's really going on? I'm hit.
[WHIMPERS.]
I'm hit.
Mazzi, tell my story.
Are you okay? Uh, that's barbecue sauce from your nuggets.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Right.
A tire blew.
That was intense.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Why are you smiling? The way you handle this rig, girl.
I fell in love with you all over again.
Should we call roadside assistance? Mm-mmm.
No.
I don't need any assistance.
- Mm.
Okay.
- Mm-mmm.
None.
- Come on over.
Come here.
- [THUD.]
- [COCOA.]
Aah.
- What the You guys stay here.
What next? [HISSING.]
What were you doin' stopping in the middle of the highway? Um, clearly we're on the side of the road.
Are you blind? No! I assure you, I have 20-20 vision, sir! Sir? Just let me get my insurance card.
My bag is in the trunk.
- [COUGHS.]
- Wow.
Someone needs to take his keys.
As long as he takes care of it, fine.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Is he taking off? On a bike? Hey, stop! We still have your car! [MAN.]
So? It's not mine! I need to take some pictures.
I meant of the RV, but you know what? Get it.
Get it.
Yeah.
Hey, hey And he looked in my beautiful wife's face and said, "I assure you, I have 20-20 vision, sir.
" [LAUGHING.]
It's funny, now that I think about it.
- No, it wasn't.
- It sure wasn't.
That's bananas.
I know.
The cops sorted everything out when they got there.
Good thing I got the rental insurance.
Good thing I told you to get it.
Isn't that what I said? Clyde tries to take credit for everything, too.
He almost convinced my family that he gave birth to our twins.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, how do you explain these stretch marks? That's a beer baby, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, we got to call it a night.
The best thing about living in our camper and traveling around is meeting nice people like you guys.
Aw.
We feel the same way.
And, Clyde, Angie, you ever get to Columbus, look us up.
- Oh, we will.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Good night, sir.
[LAUGHS.]
That's the thing the old man Hey, Moz, Mazzi, can you grab us some more firewood? - The men are on it.
Right, son? - [LIKE A CAVEMAN.]
Men find wood.
- Mm.
Find.
Me find wood.
- Find wood.
Find wood.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, guys, now it's time for my favorite part about camping.
S'mores.
The way the chocolate and the marshmallow melt together, sticking to the graham crackers.
Ooh, it's a little taste of ooey-gooey heaven.
Oh.
Heh.
I ate all the chocolate.
And I finished off all the marshmallows.
Oh.
Well, warm crackers it is.
[CRUNCH.]
My bad.
- Do you hear that? - [DRUMS BEATING.]
Are those drums? [TRILLS TONGUE.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CHANTING.]
[BLEATS.]
[CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Wow.
That's creepy.
Mazzi, h Boy, I'm gonna tell your mama! We gotta go! We gotta go right now! [SCREAMING.]
No, no, no.
Y'all aren't leaving me again! [GRUNTS.]
[JADE SCREAMS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Clyde and Angie? The way you described them, they seemed so nice.
[SIGHS.]
M'Dear, people are not always what they seem.
Well, what happened next? Well, after that little adventure, we needed to regroup.
And please keep our family safe from all the crazies out there.
- [JADE.]
Mm.
- In your name we pray, amen.
[ALL.]
Amen.
That was nice.
- Good night, kids.
- Good night.
[JADE.]
At that point, the RV permanently smelled like feet.
- Are we there yet? - Not yet, sweet pea.
But we're close.
Should be smooth sailing from now on.
[THUD.]
That wasn't very smooth.
- What was that? - I think it was a raccoon.
[GASPS.]
A raccoon? Like Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy? I doubt he has a smart mouth or carries a space gun, - but, yeah, like Rocket.
- We can't just leave him.
What if he's hurt? We have to pull over.
Okay.
All this fuss over nothing.
A raccoon is just a rat with a blowout.
There.
All right.
I think this is deep enough.
Okay, Ami.
It's time to start the home-going service.
But why? Why? Take me instead.
[CHITTERS.]
Did that bag just move? [CHITTERS.]
I think it's alive.
It's a miracle.
- [SNARLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[COCOA SCREAMING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Aah! [COCOA.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Honey, honey! Are you okay? Are you okay? Okay, okay.
- [COCOA.]
Oh, my God! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
[ALL PANTING.]
I know Pro Bowl defensive ends that are easier to take down.
The most important thing is you're okay.
Am I? - [COCOA.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
This is for sure gonna go viral.
- Delete it, Jade.
- Yeah, Jade.
[MOUTHS.]
[MOUTHS.]
[GASPS.]
Uh-oh.
He's back.
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
[CHITTERS.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [CHITTERING.]
And he's brought some friends! We gotta go.
We gotta go right now! Let's go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! [JADE.]
Wait! Okay.
Wait! Daddy, pick me up! Ahh! Come on, we gotta go.
Start the RV! [MOZ.]
And we didn't stop again until we got to your doorstep.
[CAR HORN PLAYING "LA CUCARACHA".]
Oh, no.
What on earth? Hey.
[ALL PANTING.]
It is so good to be here.
And that's the whole crazy story.
Well, I feel better.
Talking about it helps.
Whew.
I feel better, too.
Uh, don't go in the house for about 35-40 minutes.
What'd I miss? Polygamists, voodoo priests, killer raccoons.
Please.
This story sounds as believable as weight-loss ice cream.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go up and get ready for my evening walk.
I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night.
[M'DEAR.]
Whoo! Hey, hey, hey - Hey, hey - [HUMMING.]
Mm.
Voodoo, my Aunt Sally.
Aah! Aah! Jesus! Aah! [MOZ.]
Thank you, baby.
- What's that running towards us? - It's not another raccoon, is it? No.
That's bigger than a raccoon.
It looks like M'Dear.
No, no, no, no.
M'Dear can't run.
She has a bad knee.
[SCREAMING.]
Oh, my God! We gotta go! We gotta go right now! [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [COCOA.]
Open the door! - Aah! I ripped it off! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [COCOA.]
Are you serious? There's a window open in the parlor! [SCREAMING.]
[ALL GASP.]
Huh! Save yourselves! Aah! - [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [COCOA.]
Okay! Okay! Go, go, go, go, go! Go! Go! Wait! Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! I know you're not leaving me! [MOZ SCREAMING.]
[COCOA.]
Okay, okay.
Go! Okay! Go, go, go, go, go! [CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]