Family Ties (1982) s01e06 Episode Script

I bet we've been together for a million years and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed and I can't remember what I ever did before what would we do, baby without us? what would we do, baby without us? and there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through ooh-hoo what would we do, baby without us? sha-la-la-la.
Oh, Steven, I got those lists you wanted.
Steven: Thanks.
This one is private contributors.
Hmm.
This one here is government grants.
If Reagan cuts back any more, the white house won't be eligible to get our magazine.
Hey, this will get us off to a good start.
Here's a check for $500 from Dennis ellway.
Uh-huh.
Why aren't you excited? He sends us a check for $500 every week.
They always bounce.
Oh.
What do you want me to do with it? Deposit it.
Maybe this time we'll get lucky.
Well, I guess this is one part of public-broadcasting life you won't miss, huh, Arthur? Oh, I don't know After 14 years, you get used to begging and groveling it becomes a way of life.
Oh.
Hi, kids.
Where you been? Down the hall.
Alex stopped off to watch "wall street week.
" Oh, how was it? Well, I found it a little simplistic, but I guess it's okay for your average broker.
Mallory, look at you! You're getting cuter every day.
Oh, you're just saying that, uncle Arthur.
No, I'm not.
Yes, he is.
Shut up, Alex.
Steven, congratulate me.
I just talked wincott industries into donating $5,000 to the station.
How did you get that money out of wincott? Arthur's been after him for years.
I explained the tax and public relations benefits to Mr.
wincott, and he bought it.
I was beautiful.
I was gorgeous.
I was sensational.
And modest.
No, I wasn't modest.
I did have to buy him six Martinis and promised that you'd give his wife some airtime for a Latin club.
Her Latin club? Yeah.
They come out, they conjugate a few verbs.
Veni, vidi, vici, e pluribus unum, and they're gone.
That's crazy, Richard.
You're always talking about originating local programming.
Here's your opportunity.
Arthur, talk to him.
What can I say, Steven? That's not my job anymore.
Excuse me, Arthur.
Steven, Mr.
wincott is waiting in your office.
He wanted to tell you personally how happy he is to be involved with the pbs station.
No problem, Steven.
I'll take care of things down here.
Steven, let me tell you how persuasive I was.
That's okay.
Please! Please! Please! That's Alex in 10 years.
Hello.
Oh, good.
I'll send someone down.
Uh, Alex, would you mind going over and picking up these clips of these shows? We're doing a retrospective of the last 15 years.
Sure, I'll handle it.
Those film cans are very heavy.
Jennifer, maybe you should do it.
Okay, we'll all go help.
Hey, you don't all have to go.
Oh, I'll stay here and help with the phone campaign.
I love to talk on the phone.
Mallory, don't forget.
This is business.
Yeah.
Don't start gossiping with any of the donors.
Well, do you want me to To start organizing some numbers or or call or I'm sorry I'm staring, Mallory.
I just can't get over how fast time has flown by.
How old are you now? No.
You can't be.
Oh, I'm pretty sure.
Oh, you've become a Such a beautiful girl.
Or should I say young woman? Girl.
Girl.
Young girl.
It's wonderful to see you growing up, becoming such a beautiful young lady.
Uh Thank you.
Now, do you want me to start calling or should I handle incoming calls? Oh, no, no.
That can wait.
I haven't seen you in ages.
Now, before we start working, why don't you give your uncle Arthur a hug? Sure.
Arthur.
How did we do today, honey? Not bad.
We got pledges for $7,500.
Is that counting the money from Dennis ellway? Uh, no.
Including his money, we have $87,000.
Alex, I want to talk to you.
I need your advice on something.
It's really serious.
Your hair looks great.
Can I go now? Alex, I mean it.
It's just I've got a problem.
We all know that, Mallory, but admitting it is the first step.
Alex, stop it.
Mallory, what is it? Well, this problem Uh, see, it's kind of in the neighborhood of sex.
"The neighborhood of sex"? What, are we talking central-downtown sex or is this a suburb of sex? I'm not sure.
Mallory, didn't they show you that film in hygiene class? You know, the one with the baby chickies? Alex, times have changed.
They show us one with the baby babies.
You sure that, uh, I'm the one you want to talk to about this? I mean, I'm your brother.
You don't want to reveal anything too personal to me.
Look, I'll go outside and get a stranger.
Alex, cut it out! This is really hard for me.
I'm sorry, Mallory.
What's wrong? Well, down at the station after everyone else left, I was alone with Arthur, and Well, I think he made a pass at me.
Arthur? Uncle Arthur? Come on.
He's known you since you were born.
He used to bathe you when you were a baby.
I think he wants his old job back.
I can't I can't believe this.
There has to be some reasonable explanation.
There might be.
Like I said, I'm not sure it was a pass, but What exactly did he do? Well, he held my hands, and, uh He gave me a kiss and then a hug.
He's friendly, Mallory.
He hugged me real tight.
He's a warm person.
And then he patted me on the behind.
Doesn't mean anything.
Ballplayers do it all the time.
I'd understand if I'd just hit a home run.
He thinks you're cute, that's all.
Look, uncle Arthur just wouldn't do something like that.
Are you sure? I'm positive.
Good.
I've never been so happy to be wrong about something in my life.
I feel terrible that I even suspected him.
Don't feel bad about it.
It's easy to misinterpret other people's actions, especially in these days of ambiguous sexual roles.
Yeah, I guess that's what I did.
Well, it happens to all of us.
First time a girl kissed me good night I thought she was in love with me.
Now I realize sometimes they kiss me good night to stop me from talking.
Alex, thanks a lot.
You've really been supportive and understanding.
It's kind of a nice surprise, since you're usually such a creep.
Thanks, Mallory.
It means a lot to me.
"Hi.
I'm Steven Keaton.
"I'm the general manager "of your public television station, wks.
"We desperately need your help.
"If each one of you could just look into your hearts and then reach into your Pocketbook, we may" hold hold it Hold it right there, dad.
That approach is all wrong.
What's wrong with it? I wrote it.
Well, you sound desperate.
Nobody's gonna want to give you money if you sound like you really need it.
Well, I thought it sounded okay.
Don't patronize him.
No, I mean it.
Your father is a terrific spokesman for the station.
He's warm, he's appealing Arthur, really, it's getting late.
Give me a break.
Come on.
Quiet, kids.
Your uncle Arthur has the floor.
Go on, Arthur.
As I recall, your last words were, uh, "warm and appealing.
" May I be excused? I have a feeling this could get sticky.
You can help me get dessert.
If you'd like.
Can I help too? Sure.
Uh, Steven, I'm gonna need your help to get the tray down.
Ah.
Warm and appealing.
Uh, Mallory, could you wait a second? Uh, no, I don't think I can.
See, everybody has to carry their own desserts.
House rules.
I just want to talk to you about yesterday.
Yesterday? Yes.
Down at the station? Uh, the station.
Yeah, that was fun stuffing those envelopes I'm not talking about envelopes.
Well, what else is there? Let's be honest, Mallory.
When I gave you that big hug, you thought I was Well, making a pass at you, didn't you? Well, maybe.
I thought so.
I'm so glad I brought it up.
It's just that I was so happy to see you, I gave you a big hug, that's all.
I mean, I'm sorry if you thought it was too big.
I didn't, really.
Look, I want you to know that I think of you only in one way, and that's as little Mallory.
And all I want is for you to think of me as your uncle Arthur.
That's all I want, too.
Good.
So if I did anything to make you think of me in any other way, I'm sorry.
Well, I apologize for jumping to any conclusions.
Your apology is totally unnecessary.
So is yours.
No hard feelings? No hard feelings, no.
"And, uh, so if you, uh, feel like giving, give.
If you don't, don't.
" I think you've gone too far the other way now.
Now you're too low-pressure.
Kids, what do you think? You think it's too long? I don't know.
Are they gonna validate parking down at the station? Maybe you're right.
I'll keep working on it.
Oh, by the way, I thought I'd throw in a few nice words about Arthur since he is leaving and all.
Make a speech about Arthur on TV? Uh, sure.
Kind of a going-away present.
He'll get a kick out of it, and I think he deserves a little attention, don't you? I know he wants some.
"Arthur press is a man we can all be proud of.
A man who works hard and plays hard.
" Uh, dad, I don't know about that last line.
Oh, what's wrong with it? Well, I just don't think anybody cares how hard Arthur plays.
I know I don't.
Well, okay.
Maybe you're right.
"Arthur's kindness, his warmth, and his sincerity "are an inspiration.
"He's a man who has helped all of us at the station "feel like we're not just co-workers, "we're one big happy family.
You can always count on Arthur for a smile or a hug.
" That's true.
"So, Arthur, it is with sadness that I say adieu.
"But I know that at wggk they'll say howdy-do to you.
" Well? Well, what do you think? It's nice.
It it's a little long.
Oh, well, okay, okay.
This isn't the final draft.
I'll, uh, make it a little shorter.
I've already cut out half the speech.
You did say some very nice things though, Steven.
Thanks a lot.
I'll try to think of some shorter nice things now.
Okay, guys, you got a kitchen to clean.
We've got a lot of dirty dishes.
Jennifer, you want to wash or dry? I'll dry.
There's more dignity to drying.
Guys? Uh, mom, Alex and I will be right with you.
We're going to, uh, straighten up in here.
What are you talking about? It's Everything's okay.
It's fine! We're gonna clean up this mess.
Mallory, what's going on? It's uncle Arthur.
He kissed me, Alex, on the lips.
Hard.
They don't do that when you hit a home run, do they? Not usually, no.
Close game.
World series.
All right.
All right.
I admit there's a problem here.
Help me, Alex.
I don't know what to do.
All right, Mallory.
Just don't worry.
Let's work this out logically.
Important thing is you're okay, right? I guess so, yeah.
Okay, okay.
So, what do we know? We know you're okay, and uncle Arthur isn't, right? So it's one-one.
Alex, you're not helping.
I'm trying.
I'm I'm trying.
Can you try harder? Okay.
I think the thing to do is I-I mean I mean, this is just my opinion, but I think it's the right thing to do.
What? Talk to your mother.
Alex, no! Mom! Come here, quick! What's wrong? Mallory wants to talk to you.
I'd, uh, stay, Mallory, but I think you'd be more comfortable if I left.
I know I would.
What's up? Mom, don't get mad at me for saying this, but uncle Arthur made a pass at me.
Arthur? Are you sure? Mom, I'm positive.
Mallory, when you say a "pass" I mean, a pass, with his hands and his lips.
He did it twice Once down at the station, and then again last night while you were in the kitchen.
Did he hurt you? No, but he scared me.
Mom, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, honey, you shouldn't be embarrassed.
You didn't do anything wrong.
I just I can't understand why he would do something like this.
No, neither can I.
But you can bet we'll find out when we talk to him.
Talk to him? Oh, mom, I couldn't do that.
Can't we just pretend this never happened? No, honey, no.
That's one thing we can't do.
These things happen too often to pretend that they don't exist.
Did it ever happen to you? Uh, y-yes, it did.
Uh, a friend of the family, well, grabbed me one time.
Well, what did you do? Went upstairs, put on "American bandstand," and did the twist.
I was confused.
I was embarrassed.
I-I thought maybe it was my fault.
I thought maybe I'd misinterpreted what he did.
And even if he really meant to do it, what good was telling anybody gonna do? That's how I feel.
How can I accuse him of being so rotten after all the wonderful things he's done for me over the years? Mallory, listen to me.
You don't want him to do it to you again, and you don't want him to do it to any other girls, do you? Okay, I guess you're right.
But, I mean, he's such a good friend of dad's.
I-I'm not saying this is gonna be easy.
Uh, maybe it would be better if it's me that talks to Arthur instead of your dad.
But one thing I'm sure of, this This thing is gonna be taken care of, okay? Okay.
I've come up with a new approach.
Who wants to hear a few nice words about Arthur? Okay, I'll shorten it some more.
About three minutes to go, Steve.
I thought I had more time.
No.
They're just finishing up on that documentary, "fertilizer: Your silent friend in the garden.
" It should be a big ratings-grabber, that one.
You never know.
Yeah, that was Arthur's baby, his last hurrah.
Gives you a good idea why he's moving on.
Wait a minute, Richard.
I agree that people with, uh, less than 60 acres may find this one a little slow, but there's something to remember about Arthur press He was there at the beginning, when public broadcasting was just a baby.
And so were you.
He, uh, deserves a little respect.
Save it for the speech, Steve.
Two minutes.
Hey, dad, I just wanted to come and wish you luck.
Oh, Alex, thanks.
I appreciate it.
I'll be up here answering phones if you need me.
Uh, I-i can start off in one of two ways, Alex, with a history of the station or, uh, maybe I should start with a direct appeal for money.
After the show that's on right now? Yeah.
I'd start with an alarm clock.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Now, remember, dad.
When you're making your speech, be humble, but try to maintain your pride.
I'll do my best.
Here's a kiss for good luck.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Oh, how about you two? A little kiss for luck? I got a warmer greeting at my army physical.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Turn to the left and cough.
Good luck.
Thanks.
You seen Arthur? No, but he should be out here any minute.
Well, when you see him, would tell him I want to talk to him? It's very important.
Sure.
Anything wrong? No! No.
About 30 seconds, Steve.
Okay, thank you.
You know, Steven, I've seen that fertilizer film a hundred times.
And every time, I find something new in it, some little Pearl of wisdom.
Yeah, it's hard to watch it and not cry.
Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Elyse.
I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you about Mallory.
Thank you, very much.
Great, beautiful.
Mallory told me something.
Thank you.
You got it? Good.
Marvelous.
You're on, Steve.
Hello, I'm Steven Keaton, general manager of wks.
Welcome to pledge week.
For those of you who have just finished viewing "fertilizer: Your silent friend in the garden," what can I say? I'm sorry.
I-I-i-i mean I'm sorry that we won't be able to continue to bring you that type of quality, as well as "sesame street," "masterpiece theatre,".
"American playhouse" and all the rest, unless you help us and help us now with money.
Our courteous, efficient, and friendly secretaries are standing by.
I'd like to introduce my wife, Elyse Keaton.
This is Arthur press, a man whose name is synonymous with wks.
Hi.
You're not gonna get away with this, buddy! You understand?! In in fact, not only is his name synonymous, it rhymes.
You just can't do this.
Arthur press.
Wks.
What's going on? Nothing.
It's not nothing! Can't it wait? Steven, Arthur tried to seduce our daughter! Aah! We'll be right back.
Arthur, I just have one little question.
What, Steve? Can you think of one reason why I shouldn't kill you? Because it didn't happen like that, Steven.
Then why don't you tell us exactly what happened? I don't remember exactly, but you know me.
I'm an affectionate guy.
Sometimes when I talk to people, I touch them.
With your lips? Look, uh, it might have Okay, it did happen.
I don't know what got into me.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
You're sorry? Arthur, do you think that's enough? I don't know what else to say, Elyse.
I don't understand what's happening to me.
Ever since Elizabeth and I split up, I've been acting crazy.
Dressing like a teenager, touching up what's left of my hair.
Other people get divorced.
Other people get older.
And they don't do what you did.
I don't know what came over me.
It was an uncontrollable impulse, a one-in-a-million thing.
It happened twice.
Okay, twice in a million.
We were like family, Arthur.
I didn't want to hurt her.
Ah, but you did.
I know.
I've been screwing up everything in my life these days.
I had it once, remember, Steve? I was the guy who said, "sesame street Let's go with it.
" First time I saw big bird, I said, "that bird's a star.
" I never liked Mr.
Rogers, though.
Why can't he change his shoes before the show? Arthur Why don't you stop thinking about yourself for a minute? Think about what you did to that little girl.
You're right.
I guess I've got a big problem.
You better get yourself some professional help, Arthur.
Yeah, I guess I better.
Hey, Steve.
You still work at this station? What is it, Richard? We're we're We're busy, here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I-i don't mean to get nitpicky, Steve, but we're doing a live television show out there.
The phones are ringing off the hook, and for the past half-hour we've been featuring a slide of Woody Hayes' house at dusk.
What about the band? Can't they play? The band didn't show up.
The bus broke down.
Well Hum something, then.
I've been humming for 20 minutes.
My gums are bleeding.
I've got another 28 hours to kill out there, and right now, we've got Jennifer out there twirling a Baton.
Well, she's good at that! She can twirl for hours! Jennifer: Sorry! Okay, okay, okay, we're coming.
Thank you.
Dad, aren't you going to Hello, Mallory.
I thought my father I mean, they really need to, uh Mallory, wait.
I'm sorry.
No, it's more than that.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm ashamed.
How could you do that to me? I don't know.
I've got a problem.
I have to go get some help.
Look, I-i don't expect you to forgive me, and I don't know whether things will ever be the same between us, but I hope someday I can be your uncle Arthur again.
Well, maybe someday.
Mallory, what Dad, we were just talking.
He apologized.
I'm okay.
I'm so sorry this thing happened, Mallory.
Why did he do it, huh? I don't know.
I don't think he knows.
Hey, Steve, I got you penciled in for a speech, buddy.
See? "8:00-8:15 Steve speaks.
" Richard.
Okay.
Go make your speech.
I'm fine, really.
You could have come to me right away, Mallory.
Maybe I could have helped.
Arthur's your good friend.
You're my daughter.
Nothing's more important than my family.
Not my work, not my friends.
Nothing.
It's okay.
You used to tell me everything.
I'm older now.
It's not as easy.
I love you, dad.
I love you, too.