Farzar (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Fichael, the time is finally here.
It's the day
of your royal seating ceremony!
Oh, I'm so pumped.
But what is a royal seating ceremony?
I'm picturing something like this.
How many times we gotta tell you
we can't see your goddamn thoughts?
I'm just excited that my brothers
and sisters are coming to Farzar
to oversee the event.
Renzo, what are you doing?
Making sure my tits are swole.
I've never met your family.
I've got to make sure they like me.
Oh, I love it when you get insecure.
That really butters up Mama's cum-crumpet.
It does have a tender, flaky crust.
[fanfare plays]
Presenting the rulers
of the planets of the Zagloot system.
Well at least if your siblings
don't like me, I'll charm their spouses.
Actually, in my family,
siblings are the spouses.
We have
a long, proud tradition of inbreeding.
Holy shit, this family is fuck
ing awesome!
It's like a free trip to the circus.
Hey, somebody dropped this.
Whoo!
That's your Uncle Wig!
Get your head out of his ass.
Blarf. Blarf. Blarf. Blarf, blarf, blarf.
At least he seems cool.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm
The lowlife that got our sister
to reject centuries of tradition
and tainted our perfect gene pool.
Pardon me, I seem
to have gotten my period.
Tainted gene pool?
Our son Fichael turned out fine.
Fine? He has the functioning hands
of a peasant.
And his ears are on the outside.
And his ears are on the outside!
[laughing]
Flammy, it's a shame that you married
this tall, muscle-bound cretin
instead of your handsome ex-fiancé.
Handsome ex-fiancé?
What handsome ex-fiancé?
This handsome ex-fiancé.
Puppeteer, make me sashay
into the room regally!
Hello, high school sweetheart
slash twin sister.
Oh, goddamn! Your ex is your twin brother?
Splammy? I didn't think you'd come.
You made me come.
But enough about our tenth birthday. Mm.
You must be the new guy.
Puppeteer, make me point at that man
with the intimidating intensity
of a scorned lover.
Yes. Just like that.
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
[smooth jazz music plays]
Could this be any more romantic?
- [farts]
- Oh, Mal, stop farting!
Don't tell me what to do.
You know the schedule.
Till 9 p.m., I have the ass,
you have the vagina.
So you've got the vagina till 9?
It's 8:59. We can do it four times!
Don't even think about it, mister.
We're taking it slow.
Obviously. That's why
I only said four times.
I've been cheated on before, Fichael, and
I need to make sure that I can trust you.
Val, of course you can trust me,
and I respect the fact
that you want to take it slow.
Good, because I don't have sex
with just anyone.
[alarm buzzing]
Hey, it's 9 p.m.
You, rando guy,
get over here and bang me hard.
Fichael, I've never told you this,
but, well, I'm a virgin.
[Mal grunts]
Give it to me hard, you bitch!
[grunts]
- Oh, yeah.
- Are you sure you're a virgin?
Yes, I've been saving my purity
for someone special.
I've never had sex with anyone.
But aren't you having sex right now?
No. Wait! Are you watching
my sister have sex?
See, this is why
I can't trust you, Fichael.
You're probably going
to cheat on me too.
Val, I wouldn't trust this Fichael guy.
Never trust a guy with a weird name.
Take it from me. Bungo Hurpy-Slurpy.
So things aren't going well with Val?
No, but at least
Mal and Bungo are getting a long
dildo to go up Bungo's ass.
That was strange place to pause.
Isn't your one-month anniversary tomorrow?
You should take Val out for a nice dinner.
That's a great idea. I can take her out
after my royal seating ceremony tonight.
Scootie, I could use
some dating advice like that.
- I don't have any luck with the ladies.
- Oh, why don't you try a dating app?
Well, I did have a blind date last night.
I got her in the sack.
- Sounds like it went well.
- Tell her that.
[muffled speech]
Do you just hate humans?
Are you hardworking and expendable?
I'm Bazarack, your Emperor Supreme,
and I'm looking for a few good minions.
But I'm a goddamn ass goblin
with a horse-faced wife.
Can I work for you?
Sure, ass goblin!
Head on over
to bazarackkilldiedeath.com to sign up
and soon, you'll also be saying
We love it here.
Fuck this place!
- [grunts]
- [yelps]
Now maybe I'll get some real minions
who are cold-blooded killers,
not like you squishy pillow fuckers.
Hey, why haven't I gotten
a single application from my website?
That's because someone else owns
bazarackkilldiedeath.com. See?
Arts and crafts?
They're selling arts and crafts on my URL?
This is horrible!
I don't know. They are selling some pretty
sweet latch-hook dream catchers, Uncle B.
Quarf, if you weren't my nephew,
I would murder your stupid ass.
[groans] I'll never forgive my sister
for getting knocked up by an alligator.
Mom said my dad was a Komodo dragon.
Who knows? That squishy slut
fucked half the swamp.
You know, I'm getting
a little bit pissed here,
because we had a meeting and I clearly
said the word of the day is "squishy."
Now, I've said it twice
and I haven't seen no cheering,
no screaming, or no confetti.
Anyway, how the hell
did this website disaster happen?
I told you to register my domain, Fump!
Uh, you never told me to do that.
You told me to stick my head
up my squishy ass.
[alarms blare]
[Pee-Wee Herman]
He said the word of the day! Yay!
Oh, fuck all of you.
This whole ball
is just for my royal seating ceremony?
Oh, isn't it great, Dad?
Shut up, Fichael.
Uncle Wig's telling a joke.
Plerf. Plerf. Plerf, plerf, plerf.
[laughs]
Man, that was racist!
Attention, brothers, sisters, cousins,
brother-cousins and sister-cousins,
uncle-daughters,
second-cousin-fathers,
and Granny Dickchin.
Please stop calling me that.
Oh, go jack-off your chin.
Anyway, I hope everyone is enjoying
their feast of white goop,
the only food we can still digest.
Thank you, Hammy, for providing it for us.
Fuck it. Protein's protein.
We all know the reason we have gathered
on our sexy sister's planet.
To honor her son, Fichael.
Even though Flammy fucked a loser
and birthed a freak,
Fichael still has the right
to engage in our traditional ceremony.
I am so excited for my seating ceremony.
What do I get to sit on?
Uh, not seating.
Seeding.
You're going to impregnate
all of your cousins
while the whole family watches
and finger-bangs our inverted penises
and upside-down vaginas.
Bring out the cousins!
I can't have sex
with my freak-show cousins.
I have a freak-show girlfriend.
Mom, tell them!
Sorry, son, it's tradition.
Daddy?
That's a good point, Uncle Wig.
We might all be living in a simulation.
[grunts]
Sorry, I think I'm gonna take a rain check
on the cousin orgy.
Great ball though!
After him, cousins!
Everyone, let's not
let this ruin our ball.
Now we dance!
That goddamn, inbred marionette is trying
to Howdy-Doody-dick my damn wife.
If I lose Flammy, I lose my kingdom.
I'm gonna have to teach
his little ass a lesson.
- [dance music playing]
- Puppeteer, grind up on it.
Make me slap that ass.
How's the online dating going?
I made a match, but it's going horribly.
We did a video chat the other day
and she kept baring her teeth at me.
You mean smile?
That means it's going well.
Oh, really? Why hasn't she tried
to steal my social security number?
Or introduced me to her cult leader?
Or lured me to a hotel room, chained me
to a bed, and made me raw dog her husband?
Man, you've had
some bad experiences with women.
All this stuff means
is that she likes you.
Haven't you had a woman like you before?
- I've never had anyone like me before.
- [phone ringing]
Wait a minute, maybe you're right.
She's calling me right now.
Hi, Barry. [giggles]
I hope this isn't too forward,
but I've been having
such a great time chatting with you.
I think we should meet.
How about at my mother's house?
- Maybe in the bathroom?
- No!
I'm not from Farzar.
Let's meet in the middle.
Sending coordinates now.
See you tonight, hot stuff.
Look at that. You got a date tonight.
If this is anything like prom night,
I better get some condoms,
because she'll force me
to fill them with drugs,
swallow them,
and smuggle them into a prison.
Then make me raw dog her husband.
You know,
I'm getting a little miffed here,
because the word of the day is "raw dog."
I've said it twice and I haven't seen
no cheering, no screaming, or no confetti.
What the fuck
are you talking about, Barry?
Why would she
want to meet me way out here?
She's making a fool of you, Barry.
I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
[phone dialing]
Hello?
Dear God. I'm going to need
a bigger scrote.
Bazarackkilldiedeath.com is registered
to a home on this retirement planet.
Shady Acreon Four.
I'm gonna destroy these blue-haired twats
and steal my URL back.
There's the place.
Why did you quip-queefers steal
my website, bazarackkilldiedeath.com?
What's Bazarackkilldiedeath?
Our web address
stands for a bazaar of arts and crafts
from Kiki, Ildi, and Edith.
That's not how you spell "bazaar."
That's because Kiki registered it
and she's the dumb one.
And you're the bitch.
Aw. [chuckles]
What are you laughing at? You're the slut!
That is the classic dynamic.
Every woman has to be one of those three.
- Now give me my website.
- No.
No?! No?!
Well, we gave it a hell of a try.
Let's go.
Wait, won't you stay for cheesecake?
Cheesecake?
Cheesecake?!
And that's why
Kiki hid her girdle in the flowerpot.
Oh! [chuckles]
Oh, that is so Kiki!
Edith, why did you miss
the shuffleboard game yesterday?
Oh, I was in bed with Arthur Ritis.
Makes sense. You already slept
with the other two Ritis brothers.
[laughs]
You guys ever have normal conversations?
Or is it all setup, punchline?
Anyone interested in bridge?
You talking about the game
or the thing you live under?
Ooh, they're coming too fast!
Oh, they're coming too fast!
Ooh. Oh, you girls are on fire.
Ooh, sure feels like it. I get so many
hot flashes, I could cook eggs.
Your eggs have been cooked
since that botched back-alley abortion
destroyed your uterus.
Am I supposed to laugh?
This shit just got dark.
She's just mad
because we don't like her fiancé, Harold.
Leave Harold alone! I love him!
You know, if I got rid
of this Harold character for you,
would you be willing
to give me bazarackkilldiedeath.com?
You've got yourself a deal.
Harold's bad news.
I can feel it in my bones.
No, Edith, that's just your osteoporosis.
And we're right back to the zingers
like the abortion stuff never happened.
Obviously, I wasn't up-front
about the whole being
an immortal galactic being thing.
Now that you've seen my true form,
I'm sure you'll run the other direction
like every other guy does.
Oh my God.
Women do that to me too.
The second they see me strip nude
and put a gun in my mouth, they're like,
"Oh, how did you get into my apartment?"
People are so rude.
I guess we're just
a couple of lonely weirdos, huh?
I don't feel so lonely anymore.
Love is the moon ♪
And love is the sun ♪
It's the heat of our bodies as one ♪
Together, you and me ♪
We fit so perfectly ♪
It's a dream ♪
I've got a mission for you, Barry.
Love is a ride ♪
A mystery flight ♪
It's the magic that pushes through ♪
And it's clear to me that love ♪
Say, I've got a mission for you, Gal.
Ah! Abort mission! Abort mission!
Ooh ♪
Well, Gal, here's to our first
romantic dinner together.
Oh, that's sweet, Barry,
but I don't eat human food.
In fact, I only eat one thing. [chuckles]
What? Do I have something in my teeth?
So that explains your full name,
Galaxia, Eater of Worlds.
I just thought you were Greek.
Oh, I can't believe Fichael is late
for our one-month anniversary dinner.
Uh, who gives a fuck?
- I'm gonna call him.
- [phone dialing]
Fichael? Fichael, where are you?
You're missing
our one-month anniversary dinner.
Uh, sorry, I'm sick.
Oh! How'd you get sick?
Get off my back, cunt face!
Ugh, get off! Come on!
What?! Uh, he hung up.
God, I can't believe you're thinking about
giving up your virginity to that guy.
I'd be more picky if I were you.
Hey, Gramps. What are you doing at 9:01?
You wanna get up in this?
Thank God. I'm safe in here.
Spider cousin!
[action music plays]
Ugh! Fichael?!
Val, it's not as bad as it looks.
These girls who are about to bang me,
they're my cousins.
I didn't order this.
It's from me.
I've heard a lot about you, Harold.
I'm Barbarack.
I like tennis,
I make a mean squash casserole,
and my bush
looks like a burned-down house.
Wanna see?
Ah. Barbarack, is it?
The girls at Bible study
call me Pussy Quicksilver.
You like to golf?
I got two or three holes
you can drop your balls in.
One of them feels like a sand trap,
but I'm not telling you which one.
Look, Barbarack, you're a beautiful woman,
and I appreciate the offer,
but my heart belongs to another.
Ugh. I can't believe
he didn't want to see my arson bush.
I wants to see your arson bush!
[Pee-Wee Herman]
He said the word of the day! Yay!
I just said it!
Wake up, you little twerp.
Here's what's about to happen.
I'm gonna give you
the beatdown of your life.
Then you're going to leave
this planet forever.
Oh, there's going to be a beatdown,
but it's not going to be me.
Puppeteer!
- [action music plays]
- [grunts]
Show no mercy, puppeteer!
[grunts]
What the fuck are you?
Sesame Street Fighter?
Puppeteer! Liu Kang bicycle kick.
- Ah!
- [grunting]
That's gotta be the best
goddamn puppeteer in the universe.
Puppeteer, finish him!
[grunts]
- Ha ha!
- [grunts]
Help! I've been attacked.
This man assaulted
a member of the royal family,
an act punishable by death!
Flammy, I didn't get a single punch in,
which makes sense
because I came here to tuck him in.
Those are the rules.
I have no choice.
An execution is in order.
Et tu, Uncle Wig?
Plarf.
Puppeteer, make me spit on him.
[puppeteer] Bee-oop!
Splat.
Where do you wanna go
to dinner tonight, babe?
I'm kind of craving an ice planet,
or maybe something with rings.
Yes, about that.
I was wondering
if it, uh, would be a good idea
if you maybe cut down
on the planet eating.
So what what is that supposed to mean?
You think I'm fat?
No! No, no, no, no! [chuckles]
It's more about the killing-
billions-of-innocent-people thing.
Why not eat uninhabited planets?
Oh, here we go! All vegans
want to talk about is being vegan.
Look, this time with you
has made me so happy that it's been days
since the voice in my head
told me to tongue-fuck a shotgun.
I'm just having a teensy problem
with the planetary genocide.
Look at it like this.
Every time you wash your hands, you're
killing billions of inferior organisms.
I'm doing the exact same thing.
Three meals a day.
Mm. These are good points.
Blarpon 13!
This planet will be perfect for dinner.
Would you be a dear and go glaze
the innocent people
in teriyaki for me? Thanks.
[voice in Barry's head] Now Barry
had gotten himself into quite a pickle.
Was he going to listen to his girlfriend
or his conscience?
Seems like the easiest thing to do
would be to tongue-fuck a shotgun.
Damn it. He's back.
I need to talk to Val.
She's not here right now.
And even if she was,
she wouldn't want to talk to you.
What kind of sex addict perv are you?
[chuckles] Is it 9:00 yet?
Almost!
Well if Val were here,
I'd tell her I did not cheat on her.
My family is trying to force me
to impregnate my cousins.
Whoo!
Unfortunately,
I don't think my cousins will ever stop
until they get what they want from me,
but I don't want to cheat on Val,
which is why I spent
the last 20 minutes making this.
- What's that?
- A gallon jug full of my jizz.
Whoo!
Okay, you mind putting a lid on that?
I'm going to give this to my cousins
so they'll stop trying to bang me.
It was the most painful
20 minutes of my life,
but I made this gallon of gunk
because I love Val.
Good God. That has to be the
Sweetest thing
anyone has ever done for me.
Oh my God,
have you been here the whole time?
Fichael, I'm ready. To do it.
Now? I'm kind of raw down there.
Plus the room is kind of full.
This, right here, this is our moment.
[moaning]
- Ow.
- [alarm buzzes]
Oh my God, Fichael,
it's after nine o'clock!
You are cheating on me with my sister!
- [all gasp]
- You disgust me.
Where's your conscience?
Uh
Whoo!
I'm sorry it came to this, dear.
I told you
your family wouldn't fucking like me.
Welcome to the execution ball.
Puppeteer!
Didn't you forget something?
Silly me.
It is tradition that we have ceremonial
sustenance before any execution.
Hoist her up!
[squeals]
What happened to Hammy?
Nobody fucks with my family!
[laughing]
Oh, fuck.
Ah!
I will use your bones as dinner utensils
and your skin as rugs in my parlor.
Holy shit, woman.
That was the most fucked-up,
ruthless thing I have ever seen,
and I have never been
more attracted to you.
I am about to show you a night of passion
you won't believe.
Puppeteer!
[Fammy moaning]
Yes! Oh, yes in there! In there! In there!
Puppeteer, let's wrap this up.
[puppeteer] Bee-oop.
Splat.
Kiki, I've got some bad news about Harold.
It turns out
your friends were right all along.
He is a bad guy.
Why'd you put Harold's head
on both our bodies?
You told me to,
and said it would be hilarious.
Don't listen to me when I'm drunk.
Oh my God, Harold has a twin brother
that he's sleeping with.
It's over!
[sobs]
Boy, she really is dumb.
Great job, Bazarack. We'll transfer
the domain over to you now.
[sobbing]
I can't do this.
Kiki, I won't ruin your life
for a web address.
I faked the video.
I tried to get Harold to betray you,
but he wouldn't.
He is a great guy
and you should marry him.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Oh, we're sorry for not trusting Harold.
We were just afraid that you'd get hurt.
But if Bazarack is vouching for Harold,
he's obviously a great guy.
Oh, come here, you!
[grunts]
Girls, I gotta go.
But I'm glad some stories
do have happy endings.
Oops. Forgot my keys.
Ah!
Harold! What the hell did you do,
you fucking psycho? You killed 'em!
Oh, yeah, I'm a serial killer.
[woman] What the hell?
Yeah, like I give a damn,
I'll be in my room.
Wow, Edith said you were bad news.
I guess she was right.
But now I think about it, this actually
solves the whole website problem for me.
Everyone, meet my new minion,
Harold!
Master, are you sure
Just hide the knives. It'll be fine.
Hi, everyone. I'm Harold.
[Pee-Wee Herman]
He said the name of the day! Ah!
Am I fucking invisible?!
So you're a planet of adorable
cancer survivors in wheelchairs.
We're also orphans.
And we have so much to live for.
I'm sorry, kid.
I can't raw dog another husband.
Just, yes, lift up the arm.
Hey, lover, how did it go
with the mankind marinade?
Look, the planet is full
of a lot of really nice children. I
Aw, kids are so sweet.
And tender.
I'm feeling like having star-becue.
[children screaming]
Barry, what are you doing?
I love you, but I can't let you do this.
Barry! No!
If you had this power,
why didn't you do it sooner?
I thought if you were small enough
to date other guys,
you wouldn't give me
the time of day anymore.
Oh, Barry,
you were totally right.
Goodbye forever!
Wait, one last thing.
Can I borrow this?
Good call on the teriyaki.
Love is the moon ♪
And love is the sun ♪
It's the heat of our bodies as one ♪
Together, you and me ♪
We fit so perfectly ♪
It's a dream to me ♪
Love is a ride ♪
A mystery flight ♪
It's the magic that pushes through ♪
And it's clear to me that love is you ♪