Father Ted s01e06 Episode Script

(Silence ) .
.
eck! Arse.
- These do work.
- You're right there, Ted.
Feck! Arse! Feck! (Silence ) (Helicopter) (Crash) (Sighs ) So, you're a nun? Right, Sister Monica.
I've left your bags in the hall.
I thought you might like to see the Holy Stone.
- The what? - The Holy Stone of Clonrichert.
- Great! - One of the holiest rocks in Europe.
You can get souvenir combs.
They're fantastic.
I got one last year.
They've written, "I saw the Holy Stone of Clonrichert.
" The Stone is great.
We've seen it I think, about 300 times.
Why not? It would round off the weekend.
If you thought the ludo night was exciting this'll drive you right over the edge.
It's all been leading up to the Holy Stone.
What's so holy about it, Father? It's a general holiness.
Father Dougal stood beside it for ten minutes and got a great sense of serenity.
Yes, I got a great buzz off it.
Why is it called the Holy Stone of Clonrichert? I thought Clonrichert was in Fermanagh.
It is.
The Holy Stone was up there.
But it wasn't doing great business.
- So, treat in store for you.
- Wonderful.
That'll be wonderful.
I'll just go and freshen up.
She'll be putting on make-up, I suppose.
Impress the lads, huh? Ah, no.
She's probably just going to the toilet.
Aren't nuns great? You don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women.
You're right there.
I just got the courage to talk to her, but it's nice having her around.
Gives the place a bit of glamour.
A woman's touch.
Anyway, I'd better go and rouse Jack.
Tell him we're off.
Ted says you were touching him.
Father Jack, you all right? Ready for another day? I'm off with Sister Monica.
If the milkman calls, the money's under the statue of our Lord being embarrassed by the Romans.
Would you like a cup of tea before I go? Morning, Father.
(Ted) You won't mind us leaving you alone because Dougal got that new video for you, Reservoir Dogs.
It's probably not as violent as the ones you usually like, but sure give it a go.
What are you doing? - This looks bad.
- What? He's very drunk.
all night.
Where does he hide it? I haven't seen him this bad since he disappeared with Sister Imelda.
God, yes.
The blue nun.
- Oh, no, Ted.
Look at this.
- Oh, God.
Hold this.
Father, this is very bad.
Do you not remember what the Windolene did to you? Father Jack, are you there? - Ted.
- Imagine the damage polish would do.
- Ted.
- What is it? I'm in tremendous pain, Ted.
- Put it down then.
- Oh.
God, Dougal.
Come on, get him under the arms.
Come on, Father.
We can't have Sister Monica seeing you like this.
What's the matter? There you are.
It's Father Jack's motor.
Takes a while to start in the morning.
- He doesn't look well.
- (Chuckles ) He's grand.
We're taking him on a trip to the toilet.
Right, Father? Would you put him down in that chair and we'll have a look at him.
He doesn't like to be fussed over.
I think you should let me look at him.
Holy Mother of God, he's dead.
What's the problem there, Sister? Father Jack is dead! There's no pulse and he's stone cold.
Come on, Father.
You're not dead, are you? - He's very definitely dead.
- The joke's over.
He's gone.
You should get help and Father Dougal can give the sacraments.
Right, I'll call Dr Sinnott, but frankly I think you're making a big fuss about nothing.
The last rites, Father.
Oh, right.
Yeah, of course.
Shouldn't we wait for Ted? There's no need.
No.
Himself drank it last week.
You wouldn't like to do the honours yourself? - What? - No, of course not.
I suppose I'm wearing the trousers as far as this job goes.
Right.
Well, we are gathered here today to join two people Sorry, that's not it.
Well, Father, best of luck.
Oh, of course.
There's more.
Sorry I didn't see you off.
Don't know if I should be talking to you down here or up there.
I'll look up there.
Anyway, you're there now with our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and the rest of them and of course my own parents.
Actually I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello to them.
Hello, Mammy and, er, Daddy.
Hope they're looking after you.
The Latin, Father.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Totus tuus minimus canus, costa curta Baggio, Roberto - Did you ring the doctor? - Right.
It looks bad.
I called Dr Sinnott, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead all right.
The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.
That happened to my uncle and he was fine.
His heart stopped? For how long? Era week.
A week? And he was fine afterwards? Actually, no.
Now I think of it, he died.
I think it's absolutely great to see.
I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African Church.
You're bringing the faith to the people.
It's marvellous, isn't it? Sure I wouldn't know, I'm from Donegal.
Will you have a sandwich, Father Cleary? - No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
I'm fine.
- Have a try.
They're diagonal.
So I see.
But no thanks, anyway.
Go on.
They're only small.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure you won't have one? No thanks.
I ate before I came out.
- I could put one in a bag for later.
- No, don't bother.
Here's a little bag you can bring one home in.
- No, no.
- Here's a bigger bag - to put the little bag in.
- No.
You can eat it later or now.
Whatever suits.
Oh You'll have one now.
Sure, I might as well.
Mrs Doyle.
Father Mackey would like a sandwich.
Father Mackey, will you have a sandwich? I'm terribly sorry I'm late, Ted.
The car.
The car broke down.
That's all right.
Father Fay, how are you? (Mumbles ) He is.
It was very quick.
(Gibberish) Yes, I suppose so.
Oooo Ee-ur? In New Zealand and a sister in South Africa.
Why him, Ted? Why is it always the good ones? You bastard! Father! He could've been Pope, Ted.
But the fecking Jesuits, they have it all tied up.
- Yes.
- Imagine, Ted.
A Polish Pope.
It should've been Jack! But it's not what you know, is it? It's who you know.
It's sad, but look at him.
He looks serene.
(Wails) Oh, God! No, no, no! No! He's dead, Ted.
We'll never see him again.
(Sobs ) - We'll see him in the next world.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
(Shouting) Oh, God.
No.
Get him down.
Get him down.
Get him down.
(Shouting) Feck off.
Gimme lots of drink.
Arse! Feck! Drink! Feck off.
Ted, you big fool.
What are you doing? You shouldn't be getting up to this nonsense.
Up you get.
We should leave his chair idle for a while.
Would you look at that.
Completely bald.
Smooth as a baby's behind.
You'd know about that.
- What? - You know, when you baptise them.
Oh.
Now, I'm going to give Sister Monica a lift.
- Down to the boat.
- Thank you, Father.
It's the least we could do.
You were always very good to Father Jack.
Excuse me, Father Crilly, there's a woman here to see you.
A woman, Mrs Doyle.
I think you mean a nun.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's a woman all right.
A young womanwith a skirt.
I'll be off then.
- Hello, Father Crilly? - Yes.
I'm from Corless, Corless and Sweeney.
We're fine for coal, thanks.
No.
It's nothing to do with coal.
My name is Laura Sweeney.
This must be Father McGuire.
I think you both better sit down.
I've got a shock for you.
I want to assure you that was a routine relocation of funds.
No, no.
The money was resting in my account before You don't understand.
This is about Father Hackett.
Please, sit down and I'll explain everything.
It may come as a surprise for you that Father Hackett left a will.
Did he? What does it say? Well, if I may "I, Father Jack Hackett, being of sound mind and body" Sorry.
".
.
leave my entire fortune to Father Ted Crilly and Father Dougal McGuire "to be distributed equally amongst them and" I'll be off now, then, Father.
I'll make the way to the boat myself, then.
Yeah, yeah.
- Bye, Fathers.
- Yeah, bye.
Listen, Dougal.
Father Jack left us money.
That's very nice of him.
How much? Ha Half Half a million pounds.
Half a million pounds each! No, between us.
It's only a quarter of a million each, Ted.
Ted.
Ted? That's that.
It looks like you're going to be very rich men.
Grand.
There's one requirement, which I'm surprised you didn't discuss.
- Oh? - When is the funeral again? Again? We haven't had the first one yet, so No.
Sorry, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
- It's tomorrow morning.
- Right.
You know about Father Hackett's fear of being buried alive.
There's no chance of that now.
You know He's dead.
Oh, yes.
That's why he wouldn't do confession.
He didn't like enclosed spaces.
But he also just didn't want to do it.
Strangers telling you their sins.
Who'd be bothered with that? Well, Father Hackett's fear was so great, he stipulated that you two must spend the night before the burial with him.
Ok.
That's the least we can do.
We can discuss it with the solicitor.
No, I am the solicitor.
(Sniggers ) No, you're not.
I'm sorry, I am a senior partner in Corless, Corless and Sweeney.
Now, come on, now.
Just because we're from the island, you think you can have fun with us.
I assure you All right.
The big thickos from the island.
- But we're not as thick as we look.
- No way, Jose.
Wait a second! Why do you think I've been talking to you all this time? Look, you're a lovely girl, but I think we should talk to the solicitor.
If you're a solicitor, I'm Boy George.
karma karma karma karma karma Chameleon You come and go You come and go karma karma karma karma Chameleon (Ted sighs ) - How's your head, Ted? - Not too bad.
It's true what they say about career women.
Very aggressive.
- She was very aggressive.
- The language! You wouldn't hear it from a docker.
You would.
They use very bad language.
"Effing this" and "Effing that".
It was worse.
She was saying fu Now, Dougal! Who'd have thought Father Jack had half a million pounds? He never said a word about it.
Lying in a bank account all these years.
How did he get it in the first place? As far as I understand, he was just an astute saver.
Tried to avoid giving money to charity, he wouldn't wear trousers during summer, that saved a couple of bob in wear and tear.
All sorts of savings all over the place.
It all adds up.
I suppose we only knew him in his twilight years.
But I think we saw the best of him.
The really lovely man.
True knight of the Church.
Gentle, lovely sense of humour.
Patient, good-natured.
Sorry, Ted.
Who's this now? Who do you think I'd be talking about at this moment? I'm not sure.
I didn't catch the start.
Jack, of course.
Oh, right.
Yes.
A great priest.
First priest to denounce The Beatles.
- Right.
- He could see what they were up to.
He loved children, of course.
He did, yes.
They were terrified of him, though.
He had that stick and he'd be waving it.
Maybe they thought he'd hit them.
I heard that when he was teaching he was a great believer in discipline.
(Muttering) Would you say he was a good teacher? Friend of mine, Father Jimmy Rannable, studied under him.
He told me once, no one, no one had such a huge effect on him as Father Jack.
Jimmy Rannable.
What happened to him? - Remember the Drumshanbo Massacre? - Yeah.
- That was him.
- Oh.
Another thing about Jack, he loved a bit of competition.
He'd a great sense of fair play.
(Angelic choir) A great traditionalist.
He didn't agree with the modern thinking within the Church.
You'll burn for all eternity in hell! Hell! Funny, one moment you're here, the next moment "And in the happy no-time of his sleeping "Death took him by the heart.
" You know, someone once said that life is but a thin sliver of light between two immensities of darkness.
Makes you think.
Does, Ted.
About what? About death, Dougal.
About death.
That's very morbid.
What started you off thinking about death? Still, it's good we have this time with him.
Maybe sometimes we weren't always as thoughtful as we could have been.
At least now we're able to have this time with him.
Treat him with the respect he deserves.
You're right there, Ted.
D'you fancy now a game of charades? - Yes, I think so! - Right so, you go first.
Right.
I'll start.
I'll give you an easy one.
Fishing! Gone fishing.
Boxing One-handed boxing.
- It's a film.
- You're not supposed to tell me.
Ok.
Film.
- One film.
- One word.
Come on, Ted.
You're making it a bit too easy for me.
I'm not an idiot, you know.
One-word film.
Can't be too many of them.
Salem's Lot.
Tongue.
Mouth! Teeth! Is there a film called Tongue? Tom Tongue.
Er Tongue Fish.
S-s-s-swim tongue.
Er Fish! Attack of the giant killing fish.
Tongue Fish.
The Deep.
Piranha.
Jaws 2.
Close, then.
Ghostbusters 2! Superman 2! No.
Batman Returns.
You had it, it was Jaws! No, I had Jaws 2.
It's different.
It's very different.
It's a different shark.
Ted, are you still awake? - Yes, yes.
- Just wanted to ask you a question.
Not again, Dougal.
Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love No! No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted.
I wanted to ask you, do you believe in an afterlife? - Do I what? - Do you believe in an afterlife? Dougal, generally speaking, priests tend to have a strong belief in the afterlife.
I wish I had your faith, Ted.
(Sighs ) Dougal, how did you get into the Church? Was it "collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"? Ted? Dougal, please let me go to sleep.
I was wondering, what are you gonna do with your share of the money? Well Luckily, there are lots of charity organisations that are grateful for money.
There's Concern, St Vincent de Paul, Food for Africa, Help the Aged.
(Disco music) Maybe a few pounds for Comic Relief.
So, some good will come from Father Jack's death.
It's hard to believe he's gone, though, isn't it? You're right there.
(Snoring) It's beginning to snow again.
The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight.
It's probably snowing all over the island, on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and the headstones, upon all the living and the dead.
Shut the feck up! Ted! What's wrong? Father Jack, did you see what happened? Ted? What happened, Father Jack? Wha Ooooo! (Snores ) So, there he is, risen from the dead, like that fella ET.
There's one thing that confuses me.
- Yes? - Is Jack dead or what? Apparently not.
The floor polish brought about all the symptoms of death, such as no heartbeat, rigor mortis, decomposition, but he was lucky, the effects just wore off him.
It's good to have him back, isn't it? Mmm.
Who needs half a million pounds, anyway? Yes, our life is the spiritual life.
(Disco music) But to be honest I don't like talking about this, but it's only a matter of time.
I mean, he's not a young man.
And, you know, I suppose, when he's gone it won't be so bad.
The money will be some comfort to us.
That's something.
Now, you'd better come to the shops.
I want to buy some more floor polish.
Maybe we should get a few different brands, just to try them out, like.
Yes, we could leave them all round the house.
Or we could leave them in Jack's room and ask him to keep an eye on them.
Drink! Feck off! (Disco music)