Fiasco (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[banging]
- [panting]
- [bass rhythm playing]
[mutters] Son of a bitch.
[groans]
[grunts, exhales]
Ah!
[whispers] Come on. You can do it.
Gotta do this myself.
Raph!
Fuck! Where are you?
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, you son
Oh.
Oh, get away from me!
Get away! And don't tell anyone I'm here.
Man, no. There was no way.
I mean, I got a heart.
I wasn't gonna make a scene
when they were loading
his grandma into an ambulance.
That'd look bad.
Still, if I'd known she was a
I woulda ripped him a new one, you know?
But she really stole my thunder, that one.
The timing really sucked, you know?
No. I had to wait a bit to get my revenge.
Till things died down.
[suspenseful violin solo
over industrial percussion]
[transitioning into synth beat]
[man] Fiasco! ♪
- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.
- [door creaking open]
- [footsteps receding]
[Raph] Oh, fuck me.
[calling] Fuck me, Tom, I'm so sorry!
I brought you something to eat.
Gah! Oh, fuck!
Shit! [groans]
Oh, shit.
The ham is fucked.
[sighs]
[worried] Oh shit, Tom.
Tom, it's me.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
I totally forgot about you.
But it's been
such a shitshow.
So sorry. But I brought you
something to eat, and something
Something to eat.
I'll open up the trunk
if you promise not to attack me.
Okay?
Tom?
Oh, fuck.
Look. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I screwed up.
I screwed up. I went too far.
I know you
probably hate me right now. I I
But you've gotta understand,
it's not Tom locked in the trunk, it's
it's Bartabé.
[poignant music]
And I really need Tom.
I need my friend right now.
[sighs]
[shakily] I need my best friend.
[sighs]
- [sniffs]
- You don't have anything to say?
Just give me a sign, okay?
If you don't wanna talk to me
then knock once
just to tell me you forgive me.
- And twice if you think that
- Whoa!
[grunts]
My God!
Raph?
[faint moan]
[Tom] You idiot.
That was pretty much one knock
I guess it meant
I was ready to forgive him.
- [Raph groans]
- [Tom] You okay?
[moans] I'll be fine.
[exhales]
Anyways.
I came to tell you
my grandmother is no Joan of Arc.
- She's the opposite of Joan of Arc.
- Hm.
- Joan of Farts. Hm.
- [chuckles]
- She's a stinker. [chuckles]
- That's exactly right.
She's full of shit.
Yeah. I wanted to apologize because I,
uh, went totally off the rails
'cause of what happened
between Ingrid and you.
I can't tell her how to live her life,
she can do what she wants.
No worries, honestly
It didn't mean anything, it was just sex.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Good sex.
Really, really good. Let me tell you.
[laughs] We did some crazy shit.
At one point she grabbed my
No, no, wait. No, I'm sorry. Raph! Raph!
I'm just trying to say that
there's nothing to worry about. And
Ingrid's not going
to fall in love with Bartabé.
So don't worry.
You won't need to put me
back in the trunk.
You know, when I escaped,
I went tearing into the yard
like some kinda lunatic.
I was gonna pull a real Christian Bale.
I was so fucking mad.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
But then I saw
your grandmother lying there, and
and I calmed down.
- Hm.
- Christian Bale.
He's still the gold standard.
You know I met him once?
I was in Of course. You know it.
I always tell the same stories
over and over.
[Raph sighs]
Hold on, how does that one
go again?
- With Christian Bale?
- Yeah.
I don't remember all the details.
[more gusto] I met Christian Bale. 2006.
In this Portuguese resto in Provence.
Well
sometimes, being a good friend to someone
means having to
listen to the same story for the 15th time
and pretend you've never heard it.
[poignant music playing]
This was one of those times.
- No!
- And then I turn around and he'd left.
- I don't believe it!
- He wasn't in the restaurant either.
- But we'd met each other.
- Oh man, oh man.
He was on another planet. Didn't know you.
- Not at all.
- That's funny.
- He thought I was someone else.
- Oh wow. That's crazy.
[both chuckle]
Christian Bale.
Ah, I need you
to do something important. I
need you to keep being Bartabé
for a few days.
Even with all the shit
I found out about my grandmother,
I still need to finish. Otherwise,
this'll have been a waste of time.
Do
you think you could do that for me?
[music continues]
[clicks tongue, inhales]
Remember what I said the first day?
At the studio, on the bridge?
[conspiratorial chuckle]
I don't remember.
- Come on.
- I'm trying to, but I got nothing.
Oh yeah?
- I said, "Raph," I said, "Raph"
- Ah, yes!
- "I'll always be"
- Yeah, with
behind your ass."
- Wow, you really don't remember.
- Like I said.
Okay.
Disappointed. Okay.
[grunts]
Where are those damn candlesticks?
- [Slice] What're you doing, Jean-Marc?
- Ah!
You scared me.
Uh, it's just that 50 gold menorahs are
- You have any idea what that's worth?
- What?
To them, I mean.
How much it would be worth emotionally.
[Slice] Were you going to steal them?
I don't understand.
No, I wasn't [scoffs]
Not at all.
At the same time
when you stop and think about it,
is stealing from the Nazis
really an offense?
Is stealing
from the Nazis who stole from the Jews
stealing from the Nazis or the Jews?
It's tricky, huh?
Ah, it doesn't matter anyhow,
I can't find the door.
So how can I steal them, right?
[Slice] Are you sure?
Because it sure looks like you were.
- [door crashes]
- [Raph] You here?
- Ah! Excuse me.
- Jean-Marc?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What is it?
You're gonna like this. Good news.
- Our friend has come back. We've got
- Why the fuck are you still here?
Get out.
I'm going to the hospital. When I get back
I want you and your goon squad gone.
Is that clear?
- Raphaël. Is that clear?
- Yeah, fine.
No more fun and games.
[Jean-Marc] Fuck. We'll just get going
Hey, there's Bartabé!
- Look, he's back.
- Yeah! He
- Hey!
- [Tom] All right.
- Good to see ya!
- How ya doin', Jean-Marc? You good?
I was worried about you.
I kept saying, "Where is the guy?"
What I was thinking was,
if I could just shoot my big scenes
with that incredible ship,
an an amazing sequence.
Well then, I could, uh, make
a great-looking trailer for the film.
Between Tom, who ruined all the scenes
with the Vikings, and Jean-Marc,
who screwed me with, uh, using shots
of sausages in the concentration camp,
it's not like I had
a ton of footage to convince
even the most courageous investor.
[grunting] I'm not gonna lie, Bartabé,
I'm in the hole for 2 million euros.
Banker's calling every few hours.
I got nothing left.
If I don't get your transfer within,
I dunno, four days, that's it, we're done.
Bankrupt, uh
I gotta close up shop, end of story.
I hear you. But don't worry about it,
okay? It'll be fine, I got, uh
Actually I got into a bit of a jam
with, uh, crypto
- But that's just a temporary setback.
- Yeah. I saw that on the news.
So I'm a bit short right now,
but you know me [whistles]
I got cash everywhere. Like,
I got big money in a project in the US,
and this is a big one.
I tell you about that?
- No.
- [Raph] Okay, look
I don't believe I haven't told you.
A good buddy of mine
is in tight with a big studio,
and apparently he's looking for, uh, well
Apparently he works for Paramount.
And he's looking for a French producer.
I thought, that's perfect for Jean-Marc.
- [Raph] Maybe one project at a time.
- Hang on, Raph, lemme tell him a bit more.
I figured, "This is Jean-Marc." This film
is gonna blow up. I'm telling you.
- The cast! They've got Robert De Niro.
- Whoa!
Robert Pattinson. Uh. He's pretty good.
- And Julia
- [Raph] Roberts.
There's only Roberts
in this movie? I dunno,
seems weird. I wouldn't watch it.
Yeah. Well, that's the director.
He's really into the whole "Robert" thing.
- Who is it?
- Who is it?
Wanna know? Meckis.
- Robert Zemeckis.
- Wow.
Another Robert? That's nuts.
Of course it's nuts.
Forrest Gump? Adore it.
- No!
- Oh yeah.
I'm sorry,
but the box of chocolate scene, adore it!
Fine! You adore it.
But come on, Jean-Marc.
We can't plunge into another project
right now. We have to focus.
- I'm interested. Tell me more.
- Jean-Marc!
- Are you really interested?
- Mm! And when is it?
Well, it'll be all over France. Paris,
Marseille, Strasbourg, Saint-Denis.
- Strasbourg Saint-Denis.
- Amazing.
I've got an in with the local councils
and a ton of other contacts, believe me.
- What did I tell you?
- You still haven't told me when.
It's not next winter
or the winter after that,
but we're aiming for the one after that.
100% bullshit.
Jean-Marc was way deeper in the red
than I could've imagined, and
and all I had left was four days.
Four days to find a new investor.
If not, I was done.
And that wasn't even the worst thing.
You're not serious.
Ingrid, tell me you're joking.
Please don't do this.
Sorry, I I really can't.
I don't know what to think anymore. I
I'd never be able to look in the mirror
if I continued, knowing what I know.
I don't know if you know, but half
my family died in those camps.
There's just no way
I can be in this film now. I'm sorry.
No look, I I get it. I know. It's, it's
It's not what any of us expected, but
But what if What if
you're not playing my grandmother?
You could be playing a fictional character
whose name is Huguette.
But that's a lie, Raph.
Sorry, but
- That's it.
- [sighs]
Ingrid, I'm begging you,
you gotta stick with me.
I mean it. We're gonna finish this movie,
but I really need you in it.
I love you your work so much, we we
We just work so well together.
I'm really sorry. [sniffs]
I can't do it. I can't do it.
I can't. I need someone
to take me to the train station.
Wait, Ingrid.
Ingrid!
[breathing heavily]
[footsteps in gravel]
What's up, buddy?
There a problem?
No. No, no. We're good.
Great.
I got this. Don't worry.
[engine fails to turn over]
[Tom] What's going on with him?
Fuckin' shit!
- Can you move please?
- [Slice] Yeah.
I'm gonna go check it out. Back in a sec.
Hang on, I, uh, I'm coming with you.
- [indistinct chatter]
- [nighttime animal sounds]
[sighs]
Please, I don't want to talk about it.
This is hard enough as it is.
I know, I know.
I'm really sorry. It's just I
I just really want you to know
how very important you are to me.
And for the film.
And, um
Well, that I've dreamed of you
in this role since I was 14,
since I first started
thinking about this film.
And to prove it, when I was in my room,
it's kinda crazy but I found this.
It's a letter that I
[romantic music playing]
that I wrote to you.
Maybe it's a love letter, a fan letter,
I don't know what to call it, but,
I never had the guts to send it to you.
And I thought the best way
for you to understand it,
well, is if you actually read it.
[paper rustling]
"Dear Ingrid, when I look
at your nice boobies, I get a boner"
- Wait, what was that?
- I don't know.
Sorry, I should have read it
before I gave it to you.
- Yeah. You should've.
- It needs a rewrite.
Raph, Magalie,
can I talk to you for a second?
[Raph] Yeah.
Excuse me.
Sorry, just one one more thing.
Don't
Don't be offended
by the whole boobies thing, it's
It's just an old expression,
you know? A real stupid one.
Look, we're screwed.
It's not a breakdown, there's more to it.
Someone stole a spark plug outta there.
- [Diego] We can't leave.
- Unbelievable.
- Fuck me.
- [Raph] Okay. Thanks, Diego. Thanks.
- [Magalie] Thanks.
- All right.
- [Tom] Yeah, thanks, Diego.
- Okay.
Obviously this was the red sweater.
He's fucking playing games with us again.
[Jean-Marc] That fuckin' asshole.
But it's not all bad news, guys.
Know why? Because we're how many?
Twenty, right?
That means it's one of us here.
We can catch the prick.
Fuck yeah. Not bad, not bad,
not bad, not bad!
Okay, listen. I didn't tell
you guys before, but I've got a theory.
And then I told them my theory,
which I'll explain in three parts.
So, my theory has three parts.
It's a bit complicated,
but bear with me. It's worth hearing.
First of all,
I noticed a footprint from a size 8 shoe.
- The brand's Patogas, and
- Yeah, they're mine.
What?
Those are my shoes.
They're your shoes.
Well, that's that. They're her shoes.
Like a house of cards.
[sniffs]
Okay, we've gotta do something.
Jean-Marc, try to get the bus started.
- See if Karim can rustle up food.
- Yes.
Meanwhile, Magalie and Bartabé,
go question everybody
to find out who took
that fucking spark plug.
And then we'll finally find out
who the fuckin' mole
in the red sweater is. Can you
Stop! Hold on. I've got an idea.
I figured out how we can get this guy.
Here's the plan. Listen.
I am extremely popular
with the whole team. Am I right?
Yeah, I'm right.
I'm gonna get everyone
to play a game and we'll nail him.
"Truth or Dare."
Paff!
- [Raph] Uh, I dunno.
- Yes! Because people never say "dare."
Always "truth." Afraid they're gonna
have to kiss someone's butt
or Ludivine.
Okay. Uh, so super, super great idea,
Bartabé. Thanks a lot.
- Truth or dare is I dunno, I'm not sure.
- [Magalie] Yeah.
- Okay, everyone know what they have to do?
- Can I talk to you for a sec, Raph?
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Okay
- [Magalie] I don't believe this.
What're you doing?
What?
You belittle me? In front of everybody?
Real classy there, Rafiki. Way to go.
That was so nice of you.
Everything I do, Raph,
is for your film. Right?
- You know that, don't you?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm working day and night for you,
worked on this character like a madman,
sucked off Jean-Marc,
spent two days in your trunk
- Wait. What?
- Yeah. 50 hours. Do the math.
- Even more than two days.
- No. You You sucked off Jean-Marc?
- No, no. I didn't suck off Jean-Marc.
- Ah.
- Bartabé sucked off Jean-Marc.
- Oh.
I didn't like it. It's not my thing.
But man, Bartabé? He loves that shit!
Okay. That's great.
All I'm saying is after all I've done
for you, you treat me like that?
No, listen to me. We'll play.
- We'll play the game. Okay?
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Just stop sucking off
people on the crew, okay?
I never asked you to do that.
There's no need.
Okay guys, look.
I've thought it over and I've decided
- We've decided.
- Yeah.
- We've decided to get everyone to
- We're playing "Truth"
- Go on.
- No.
"Truth or Dare."
Really?
[Raph] Yes. It's the best idea right now.
Just go easy. No crazy stupid dares
or anything like that.
- Yeah. Watch it.
- No, I was talking about, uh
He means me.
Uh, where are we all gonna sleep?
Oh, well, uh
No. I mean [mumbles]
I'll come up with something.
Don't worry about it.
[sarcastic] Yeah. That was just great
when our little bus broke down.
Then each person was gonna need
a room at a hotel, breakfast, a taxi.
Forty people needed
forty hotel rooms, forty breakfasts,
okay, the taxis they could probably share,
but that still made about 10, 15 taxis.
I had to find some way
to save us a couple of bucks.
- Okay!
- [mass grumbling]
[Jean-Marc] No one's listening.
Magalie, please?
Hey, let's have some quiet,
settle down please.
- You on drugs? We're not sleeping here.
- Oh, come on, come on, just calm down.
This is way better
than the conditions they had back then.
This is good quality stuff.
Oh, wow. This mattress is really soft.
Yeah, incredible.
The set designers did a great job, huh?
This is like a three-star hotel.
[chuckles] Three yellow stars, maybe.
- [crew groaning]
- No.
Uh, yeah, it was just a joke.
Okay, so we have a place to crash.
I've got Karim rustling up food.
Oh no, not Karim's food!
We can't eat that shit. No.
[grunts]
Well, this is my job.
I gotta feed the crew members, right?
Under any conditions.
A little bus breakdown won't stop me.
So, I'm gonna [grunts]
set up a trap for some wild game.
Once a scout, always a scout!
- [watch beeps]
- Ah.
It's time to take
my little naturopathic pill.
[Tom] Move that over there.
There we go.
Excellent.
- Okay, everyone sit around in
- [Magalie] A circle.
Ah shit, my battery's dead.
What time you got there, big guy?
- Uh, ten past eleven.
- Ah.
I don't get it.
Don't you have grandpa's watch?
Yes, yes. Of course.
But it's back at the house.
I'm keeping it safe
for your big 18th birthday.
Like I promised. [forced chuckle]
[poignant music playing]
That's when I realized
he'd sold his dad's Rolex.
And I
I felt so bad. Ashamed, you know?
Oh God. This is a real nightmare, huh?
- I just hope we can recoup some of
- Bartabé isn't a real producer.
- Huh?
- Huh?
- Uh, I thought you said
- No, I thought you said
Ah! It felt so good to finally tell him.
Yeah, but did he actually hear me? Uh
That's another
Who's to say who hears what, and when?
It all Well, it depends
on your point of view.
- The nuances, the question of
- [Slice] Volume.
Huh?
I said it's a question of volume.
Yeah, yeah. It's
It's, it's, it's
Ready, kiddos? Let's start.
Everybody comfy?
- All right, then. You know the rules?
- [crew] Yeah.
Uh, yeah, I know the rules.
I'm not menopausal yet.
I'm still quite fertile, thanks.
Just FYI. That's it,
Fertile.
[awkward mumbling]
[Tom] Well, thank you.
Let's, uh, play the game. All right.
Let's go. What lucky sucker
is gonna start us off?
[whistles] Here we go.
- Over there. Aya.
- [Aya] Ugh.
Truth or dare?
Okay, let's do it. I'll take truth.
Ah.
You want truth? Okay
Aya, how 'bout you
How 'bout you tell us something bad
that you've done
and that you regret doing.
Whoa. Something bad
that I did that I regret?
[Tom] Yeah.
[laughs] Uh
Okay. I was seven years old. I was in love
with this boy named Balthazar.
I was in grade one and I stole
four color markers from his pencil case.
[wheezing laugh]
Ah, what a story!
Ah no! I mean, God
[laughs] I don't know how I'll last
if you start like that.
Fucking Balthazar. Okay, stop.
All right. Do you [laughs]
have something more recent
you can tell us? More like now.
Not a century ago. Did you
do something today that you regret?
Well, I don't know. There was nothing. I
Anything to do with the bus,
for example? I dunno. Uh
No? Just think.
Spark plug? Mean anything?
Could you have maybe pocketed one,
I dunno? Stopped the bus from leaving
Hold on, what're you insinuating?
I don't know where you're going with this.
No spark plugs, nothing. What the fuck?
Wait. No, I'm Oh, hey.
You're the one insinuating here.
Spark plugs
She's acting really weird, isn't she?
Spark plugs? I don't know what she, uh
You gonna put them
on a birthday cake? Huh?
You know what I mean? All right, next.
[woman laughing] Are you serious?
- [Tom] Margaux.
- [Margaux] Dare.
- [Tom] All right, truth.
- Postman!
No, no. It's me.
I don't know why I did that, sorry.
I'm stressed. It's just
We need to talk, and I want you to know
I heard what you said before,
and I totally get
what you're saying. It's
important we don't lie
to our audience, right?
- Yeah, I'm glad you understand that.
- Okay.
I'm 100% on board with that.
And that gave me an idea, so I thought
I'll cut the caption
at the start of the film,
where it says "Inspired by a true story."
And once I've removed that,
well, it's just a work of fiction.
- I don't see a difference.
- No, it's not the same.
Before, we were taking
artistic license with reality.
We were making a film
based on a false narrative.
What we're doing starting right now,
is we're making a true, false film
on
actual history that was based on a lie.
I'm sorry, I don't get it, Raph, I
It's a false story that's true
- Ah, fuck.
- Mm.
It's confusing because you're lying
to yourself and everyone.
The whole bloody story is a lie, it's
I I dunno. It's
The truth is you've got a problem
with the truth, Raph.
No, I
- I have no problem with the truth.
- Oh yeah?
Well, yeah.
Okay, let's see then, truth or dare?
Uh, d
Oh right. Truth, then.
Are you a fan of Elton John?
No? I'm just like everyone.
It's, uh It's like I told you before,
we both like the same kinds of music.
I, uh, very much like French singers.
Celine Dion, uh
Aznavour Nakamura.
- Okay. Fine, forget about it.
- No, wait.
But the fact is,
you are incapable of telling the truth.
It's a sickness you have or something.
Okay, wait. Just wait.
You're right.
You know what, I
I'm gonna rewrite the end of my film.
[emotional music playing]
I'm going to admit that
my whole life was a lie.
And in the last scene of the film, I
Well
we're gonna find out
that my grandmother wasn't
in the Resistance, but a, um
filthy collaborator.
Because that's the honest truth.
You really gonna do that?
Yeah, I am.
Because the most important thing
to me now is that what's between us
is the absolute truth.
[chuckles]
- Not bad.
- Pretty good, huh?
I kinda thought so as well.
Maybe I'll even use it in the film.
[shaky breath]
And, um, Sarah,
you gonna put her in the film, too?
Sarah, from wardrobe?
- No, I
- Look. You don't have to, uh
Gabrielle told me
you were together. I know, so
No, no, no. I'm not at all with Sarah.
No, I swear on my life that I'm not.
I have no idea
why she would say something like that.
I swear, there's nothing between us.
I don't know why I believe you, but
I just do.
Cool.
[laughs]
All right, your turn.
- Oh, we're still playing?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well
Truth or dare?
- Which one?
- Dare.
Dare, then. Uh
what would be a good dare
[romantic music playing]
Ah, yeah. That's a good one
- That's a really good dare.
- [both chuckle]
Oh, fuck, what is that?
They're berries!
This is a real bonus.
I can make a nice little sauce
to go along with the wild game.
This is great.
Oh my God.
I can taste again!
And I can smell!
- Ludi!
- Yeah?
- Ludivine, where are you?
- Right here.
I can't believe it, I'm cured!
- Huh?
- Your pills worked!
- They did?
- Yeah!
- I got my sense of smell and taste back.
- You have? That's so great!
Ah, that's so great!
You see? I told you
it was a miracle treatment.
Hm.
What's wrong sweetie, you all right?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, great.
I'm good. I'm good.
It's a total game changer.
[Magalie] All right, Diego.
Go on. Your turn.
Truth or dare?
Uh
- I'll go with dare.
- No.
Just to, uh, spice things up a little.
[Tom] No, he's right. He's right.
Let's spice things up a bit.
Go on. Take off your pants,
bend over and cough for us.
- What?
- You heard me.
Hang on a sec, Bartabé,
you can't really ask that.
- Look. A spark plug for a bus is, uh
- Okay. Come on. Stop with the accusations.
- This is fuckin' stupid, seriously.
- [muttered agreement]
- This has to stop!
- Why are you doing this?
Do we want to know what happened or not?
Everyone please calm down!
Please, people! Everyone listen.
- I I
- [group quiets]
Okay, I have something to say.
We haven't said anything up to now
because we didn't want you to worry.
But here we are. There is somebody here
amongst us, on the crew,
sitting right here with us tonight,
who's been trying to ruin our film
since the first day.
[concerned murmur]
There've been threatening emails,
attempts to intimidate,
and on a few occasions sabotage.
That would explain
why this is such a shitshow. Yeah.
[Aya] I want everyone to know
I've got nothing to do this.
- No one's accusing you, Aya.
- No, I see what's happening.
I'm the only Black woman,
so it must be me?
[mass denial]
- No one is thinking that.
- I think it's Diego.
Look at his face!
I've never seen anyone look so guilty.
- Does anyone even know you?
- Shut up!
- Don't tell me to shut up!
- What did I ever do to you?
- [all yelling]
- [Raph] Please! Calm down!
I think it's Gabrielle. She told me Raph
was going out with Sarah. That's a lie.
- What was that about? Huh?
- That's what Magalie told me to say.
- Huh?
- She told me to keep you away from Raph.
- What?
- Hang on.
- Magalie, is that true?
- Seriously, Raph?
Does that sound like something I would do?
[Ludivine] Magalie is capable of anything.
It's true, isn't it?
- Huh? Where'd you come from?
- I have a sixth sense. I know it's her.
Excuse me, where were you
when the set got sabotaged?
- I checked. You weren't in your room.
- I was with Karim.
- Mm-hm.
- That's right.
You can ask his neighbor.
We were up all night
- Yeah, fucking. Filthy nymphos.
- No, talking.
Ah, you were talking! What losers!
They didn't even have sex.
But who gives a shit?
I've got a real doozy to tell you.
- Ludivine doesn't have cancer.
- [gasps]
- [man] That's amazing!
- No, it's not.
- Wow, mazel tov, Lulu!
- There's no "mazel tov Lulu"!
She never had cancer. No tumor,
nothing! She's the tumor!
She made up the pathetic story
so she could keep her job,
then asked her boyfriend
to poison you on that show.
I'm telling you, those two
are the sweater, they fucked it all up.
Wait, Karim poisoned us?
Whoa, wait a second here. I had been fired
and Karim thought I had cancer.
We don't give a shit
about your fake cancer!
- Say that to my face!
- You're full of shit!
[all yelling]
It was total chaos.
Everyone started shouting
accusations at one another.
Any suspicion someone had
about someone else was shouted out.
The costume designer went after Eliott,
saying he was the vermilion sweater,
and he answered it couldn't have been him
because someone hacked his iCloud.
[bellowing] Hey, come on!
Aya, if you please. He just said!
Somebody hacked his eye clown!
So it couldn't have been him.
- [Aya] Anyone believe that?
- [Tom] People!
- I'll show you my laptop if you want!
- Enough!
All right?
We can't continue picking on Eliott!
But you heard. He filmed everything.
- They asked me to.
- He's 15!
- We all did stupid things, right?
- [Jean-Marc] Exactly!
Stuff we pulled, Raph? In high school?
The whole Bunsen burner thing
with Mr. Desloges?
Yeah, it was stupid,
but we thought it was hilarious.
We plugged all the Bunsen burners
into Elvira's flute
and this flame shot out
and it was about to set
Really funny. I don't give a shit
about your stupid flaming flute.
Have you two known each other
since high school?
Raph. Have you two
known each other that long?
- Uh, no.
- Yeah, sure.
- Bartabé, look me in the eye.
- Huh?
I said look me in the eye!
Have you known him since school?
- No.
- Don't fucking lie to me! I wanna know!
You've been bullshitting me
for how long now?
Come here, you little shit!
Gimme back my money!
- [Raph] Wait! Jean-Marc!
- It's over!
The film, our friendship,
your career, all of it! Over!
Wait, Jean-Marc!
It's temporary!
- I had a plan to pay you back! I swear!
- Oh yeah?
- I swear to God!
- I don't give a shit!
- Jean-Marc!
- I'm gonna fucking [screams]
- [horrible groan]
- Oh fuck, Jean-Marc!
- You okay?
- Fuck!
Son of a fuckin' bitch!
Are you okay?
What idiot dug a hole here?
Oh shit, are you hurt?
I'm fine, I'm fine!
[grunts]
I fell on something that broke my fall.
Oh, fuck me.
Holy shit, that's a wild boar.
What?
Oh fuck, a wild boar.
Well, that's great.
I suppose you're happy
now that I killed a wild boar, huh?
Well, no. Actually I
Okay wait, Jean-Marc.
Here.
- Grab the branch. I'll pull you out.
- I don't want your fuckin' branch.
- [sighs]
- Well, you don't wanna stay in there.
Come on. Grab it.
[breathes heavily]
You don't get it, Raph.
[tragic music playing]
I'm so tired, man.
I'm in the fuckin' hole.
Don't you see?
Well yeah, you're
Shut up, that's not funny.
Just shut up.
I sacrificed everything for your film.
I'm in deep shit, Raph.
Completely broke.
All I wanted
All I ever wanted
was to make my son proud of me for once.
[sobs] Just one time, Raph.
I'm a prick.
I never should've done that.
[sniffs]
- Come on, come on out.
- Fuck off with your branch.
I don't need your help to get outta here.
I don't need anyone's help
to get me out of this fuckin' mess.
[growls]
Fuck.
- Can't you see I'm fuckin' stuck?
- Yeah, I
- Well, help me.
- Right.
- Where the hell is that fuckin' branch?
- Right here.
[indistinct muttering]
[woman] I don't know
what to believe anymore.
[Ingrid] I know. I feel the same way.
The only thing I know for sure right now,
is that I really wanna be
Ingrid, excuse me.
I swear it's not what you think,
I I know what you're gonna say.
Oh, no, I didn't know.
You're even worse than I thought.
But we still have to finish
the film, um, right?
[Jean-Marc] Are you actually serious
right now, Raph?
You still don't get it, do you?
Do I really have to say it?
There's no more film!
That's it. It's over, we're done.
There, I said it. Now you all know.
[yells] That clear?
["Let There Be Love" by Oasis playing]
As for you, Bartabé
I really thought we were friends.
Maybe even more.
Who kicked a hole in the sky
So the heavens would cry over me ♪
My name is Tom, actually.
[laughs sadly]
Well fuck you, Tom.
Who stole the soul from the sun ♪
In a world come undone at the seams? ♪
Let there be love ♪
Let there be love ♪
I hope the weather is calm ♪
As you sail up your heavenly stream ♪
Suspended clear in the sky ♪
Are the words
That we sing in our dreams ♪
- [engine starts]
- [subdued cheering]
Let there be love ♪
[Raph] There you go.
And that's the way my shoot ended.
With, uh
barely 50% of the scenes shot.
And, uh
my whole love story with Ingrid,
well, 0% of it came to fruition.
[laughs]
Yeah.
And that was the last time
I saw any of them.
[Slice] Okay.
And we'll end this
with one last question for you, Raphaël.
You gonna be at the premiere?
Yeah, you bet I'll be there.
Because I have a plan.
- A lot of people
- All right everyone, we're going again.
I'm gonna need all the background we have
to be in the hallway of the prison.
- That includes you, Raphaël.
- Right, sure.
Thanks.
The film may have been
a monumental failure,
but for me,
it was a really good learning experience.
And that allowed me to, uh,
get my new job on this great film set.
And I'm not an apprentice!
I'm actually getting paid.
Sorry, but, uh
gotta make a living.
- I'll just, uh, leave this here?
- [Slice] Sure.
[muffled] I just wanted to tell you.
I'll be there
Sorry, Raph, we can't hear you.
You have to get closer to the mic.
Right.
Uh. Everyone going to that premiere
will be people that had
some sort of involvement in my film.
Including whoever it was
who fucked me over.
And I have no intention of waiting
another minute to find out who it was.
So yeah, I'll be there.
I'll be there
because I have a foolproof plan.
I'm finally gonna catch
that vermilion sweater son of a bitch.
I'll see you there?
What a fiasco.
[rap song playing]
Get up on the scene
Let 'em play the reel ♪
Take the money shot
Make a face to pay the bills ♪
Pilot
All private jets on an island ♪
- I might be a mess but I'm stylin' ♪
- It's a fiasco! ♪
If they came for the drama
Let 'em stay for the Armageddon ♪
They want a cape and some armor
High stakes, models and weapons ♪
Empty bottle prescriptions
Unscripted with lip injections ♪
They want it all but the karma
But I'mma make sure it get 'em ♪
It's a fiasco till the fame ends ♪
A fiasco! ♪
Baby, who can blame them ♪
It's a fiasco and they can't win ♪
I dare another actor
To face me out of makeup ♪
I'll put that hammer to your mirror
Watch it crack ♪
See if the man in it won't break up ♪
Snatch you at your interview ♪
Make you swallow the mic
And the camera ♪
Now you got that inner view ♪
No need to front
If you don't want trouble ♪
I'll bust your fun bubble
Slap you and your stunt double ♪
Grab your manager and slap him too
See what a clap can do ♪
To prove that I will literally
Shoot anybody just to laugh at you ♪
- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.