Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[rhythmic clapping]
- Meegan and Chaad Bishop
were lost at sea
three months ago
and are presumed dead.
- Mom, Dad,
we're alive.
Geez, Dad, I thought you and Mom
would be psyched we were alive.
- The case against your father,
they won.
Real estate, the golf course,
everything.
We're poor, baby.
[electronic music]
[upbeat music]
♪
- Take a look around ♪
It's a brand new day ♪
I don't want to say it ♪
But I'm gonna say it anyway ♪
- Did you guys know
that in public school
their nurse's offices
aren't like this at all?
- Wait, what do you mean?
- I just mean they don't have,
like, B12 shots
or lymphatic drainage massage
or preventative human growth
hormone.
- Public school
is for garbage people.
I never want to go there.
[laughter]
So are you guys excited about
the daddy-daughter sleepover
tomorrow night?
Me and my dad are totally BFFs
so it's gonna be a blast.
What are you gonna do
now that your dad's been
publicly shunned?
- Oh, I didn't tell you guys?
I cut him off.
I mean, I don't need that kind
of negativity in my life,
but don't worry.
I'm bringing my new dad.
- I think you're making
the right decision.
Your old dad is bankrupt
and that's sad.
- I know.
He's dead to me.
- My dad is actually dead,
not just to me!
[dramatic music]
- [groans]
- I kind of feel bad.
- Don't.
Her dad's been dead
for two weeks.
It's, like, get over it.
[upbeat electronic music]
♪
It's not that I don't like
my friends,
I think we photograph
really well together,
it's just sometimes
they can be really sophomoric.
Oh, Daddy!
I was just telling--
- We are in acquisitions
and demolitions, okay?
Which means we need
to acquire something big
and demolish it soon
or we won't meet
the year-end quotas.
Yeah.
- Daddy,
I was just telling, um
her about the daddy-daughter
sleepover tonight.
- Talk to my secretary.
Give me good news, Janis.
- What was that?
Do you think he's mad at me?
Are we in a fight?
Why is he icing me out?
[dramatic music]
- Beatrix, honey.
Wait up.
- Old Dad.
What are you doing here?
- Listen, I just--
I wanted to see
if you were gonna go
to the daddy-daughter sleepover
this year.
I thought maybe we could go
together for old times' sake.
- Seriously?
Old Dad, we've been over this.
Mom's new husband makes
so much more than you,
and he's British,
so he's my new dad.
That is who I'm taking
to the sleepover.
You need to stop making things
so hard on yourself
and just move on.
- But, Bea--
- Look.
You lost everything in the case
against the farmer's union.
Deal with it.
You're bankrupt
and poor,
and I'm just over it.
- It's not about that.
Look, it's the one time of year
I get to be around
my other dad friends.
- [laughs]
Okay.
They're not
your friends anymore.
This is really hard for me,
but good-bye.
Forever.
[solemn music]
♪
- Oh, I doubt this will be
the last time you see me,
Beatrix.
[dramatic music]
[upbeat electronic music]
♪
- Oh,
David ♪
- It's actually
just Dave, ma'am.
My parents were poor.
- Listen, tonight is
the daddy-daughter sleepover,
so you know what that means.
- Sure do, it means
some of the most powerful men
and little ladies in town
are gonna be bedding down
right here tonight.
- Love is in the air.
- [chuckles]
Seems like the wrong metaphor to
make for a daddy-daughter thing.
- Shut up.
If you can keep us safe tonight,
you're gonna come up
smelling like roses.
- Well, uh,
don't you fret, ma'am.
I got you covered.
- I don't have
my daddy here tonight,
so I'm gonna need someone else
to smell my roses
because I love a man
with a great big badge.
- [chuckles nervously]
I--I, uh
I don't know if I follow.
♪
- You just keep us
safe tonight, okay?
♪
- [sobbing]
- Hey, Parker, what's wrong?
- I miss my dad.
I mean
I know I should get over it.
It's been two weeks.
It just--
I just wish I could talk
to him one more time.
- With my back
against the wall ♪
- You can.
- I know.
I know.
In my heart or whatever.
- No.
I mean, there's this app called
The Gateway to the Beyond.
Just download it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And when it asks you
if you want to go to Hell,
just select "yes,"
and then there's
a portal to Hell.
- Do you think my dad's in Hell?
- Free me from the pressure ♪
Free me from my dreams ♪
- Yeah.
- Make me ♪
[electronic music]
♪
- So I know everyone thought
that I was a dope leprechaun
in the school play, but now that
the school play's over,
my mom thinks I should keep
the leprechaun traits on the DL.
What do you think?
- Listen,
as your guidance counselor,
I totally understand your
very normal adolescent desire
to blend, but as your publicist,
I feel like I need to tell you
that blending is for nobodies
and branding is for somebodies,
and you're somebody.
Leprechaun Boy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
Oh, yeah.
We are gonna lean into this
leprechaun thing hard, okay?
It is perfect because
posers can't imitate it.
I'm gonna secure some
major endorsements for you.
Quick question:
do you like charm bracelets?
- Uh--
- The answer is
you love charm bracelets.
Now get out of here.
I have a lot of calls to make.
I am very excited about this.
- Okay, cool.
- Ms. Waxman,
do you have a minute?
- The name is Coco.
Sit down.
Real, real quick.
I literally have two minutes.
It's been a crazy day
and I really have to pee.
- Tonight's
the daddy-daughter sleepover
and my daddy has been
really distant.
We used to be BFF,
and now he's been icing me out,
but it--If I go alone,
it's social suicide.
What do I do?
- Well, I say you got to play it
like every other
celebrity couple, okay?
Even if you hate each other,
you show up on that red carpet
and you are all smiles.
Fake it till you make it.
[whispering]
Like Michelle and Barack.
- [gasps]
Got it.
- But first
we got to get him there.
How are we gonna get him there?
Um
does your dad like Kanye West?
- Who doesn't?
- I'm gonna have Yeezy
call your dad
and tell him to get his ass
to the daddy-daughter sleepover
tonight
as a personal favor.
- Wow.
♪
[pop music]
- Stick it ♪
♪
Stick it ♪
♪
- I have a reputation
to maintain,
and this guy--this guy shows up
on the tennis courts
wearing trainers.
Can you believe it?
Trainers.
[laughter]
- He tricked me.
He told me we were
going to play racquetball.
That was a good one, Michael.
Ooh, don't look now.
A gastroenterologist
just walked in.
♪
- Hello, boys.
New Dad.
How's everyone's colons
this evening?
[laughter]
- Demolish.
Yeah.
♪
What's the good word, gentlemen?
- We were just talking
about our colons.
[laughter]
- Just fake it till you make it.
[sighs]
[laughter]
- [laughing loudly]
[laughter]
Ooh-ho, yeah.
What up, Dad?
Hoo.
Don't leave me hanging.
[clicks tongue]
- Stick it ♪
- Daddy-o.
- Go for Jacq.
Mm-hmm.
- Wha--Anybody thirsty?
- Fast as you can ♪
- Who's thirsty?
[chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
Very cool.
- She gives me
the idiot shivers.
[laughter]
- [laughing]
Idiot shivers.
[piano music]
♪
- "Do you want
to go to Hell now?"
Yes.
[whooshing]
- [chewing loudly]
[instrumental music]
- Oh, my God.
Well, this is literally my--
- Hell?
Exactly.
[in demonic voice]
Welcome to Hell!
[in normal voice]
Just kidding.
Your Hell, anyway.
Everybody's is a little bit
different.
[chuckles]
- Okay.
Uh, well,
I'm looking for my dad.
- Okay.
- So is he, like, in this Hell?
Is he in a different Hell?
Like, how does this work?
- Well, he would be
in his own Hell.
Let me just locate that for you.
Oh.
Bad news, chica.
- Oh, sorry, can you just not
call me "chica"?
It, like, gives me a visceral
reaction when I hear "chica."
- Oh, really?
I'm so sorry.
Are you being bothered in Hell?
That's kind of the whole point.
It's all part
of the whole Hell thing.
So here's the deal.
The other week
when your dad came in,
we were trying out
this new check-in guy,
and he was a total dud,
so all the records are, like,
messed up, but don't worry.
Your dad is in Hell and I am
gonna help you find him.
How's it going, Gloria?
Getting that potassium?
- Rose petals?
[light instrumental music]
Miss Tarcher would love this.
I should follow the trail
and tell her what I find.
♪
- New Dad?
- Hey!
- [laughs]
- Somebody's been playing.
[laughter]
- They're talking about golf
without me.
[laughter]
♪
How could they?
♪
- Lovely to meet you too,
Beatrix.
[R&B music]
- Wow, you dad was so nice
to me, Meegs.
- I think we have a deal.
The building's yours.
[both chuckling]
- Ooh, I got you a martini.
Your favorite.
- Would you excuse me
for a moment?
- Yes, of course.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Dad, congrats.
What did you acquire?
I--Oh.
This is--This is silly.
- Meegan, please.
♪
- [sighs]
What the hell?
♪
[whooshing]
- Dad?
Dad, are you here?
[sighs]
He's not in here either.
[instrumental music]
- Oh.
Huh.
I guess I got some bad info.
[sighs]
Uh
don't worry.
We'll find him.
♪
- This looks like my room
but, like, super messy.
- Uh, it is your room.
- Then where's my maid?
- Uh, guess what, Parker.
In your Hell,
the maid only comes once a week.
♪
- [laughing demonically]
- Get me out of here!
- [laughing demonically]
♪
[in normal voice]
Is this for working out?
Or what is this?
- It's for yoga.
- For yoga?
- Yeah.
- There's no bottom?
- No.
Doesn't it clip on the--
- Does it clip?
No, it doesn't.
It's for hot yoga.
- Like, a unit?
Oh, you do hot yoga?
Gross.
- You don't like it?
- No.
Same carpet over--Ugh.
- I wond--I think
they clean the carpet.
- Why don't you just
go to a hospital
and beg them to give you MRSA?
It's gross.
[light instrumental music]
♪
- Big, mean, muscle-bound ♪
Guido in my bed ♪
Slicked back, greasy black ♪
Square-jawed head ♪
You better beat it real quick
before my roommates wake up ♪
- Mrs. T?
- You found me.
- Yeah, did you catch the guy
who wasted all these roses?
- [laughs]
Oh, David.
- [chuckling]
Oh, me.
[chuckling]
[R&B music]
[solemn music]
- Just because I can't afford
the country club anymore,
you just drop me as a friend?
[grunts]
You think you can just let in
this new guy
and he can replace me?
[grunts]
Well, if I can't
be in the group,
then nobody can!
[grunting]
[in high-pitched voice]
Let me in!
[grunting]
♪
[yelling]
[R&B music]
- Let me ask you something,
Davey.
- Dripping down your face ♪
- You ever sex it out
in a classroom?
- No.
That'd be against the rules.
- You know, that's why
I'm so hot for you, Davey.
You and I are the same.
We make the rules,
so we get to break them.
♪
[both groaning]
♪
[both grunting]
Just push.
There we go.
Just--
Inch yourself.
Oh, well, okay.
Try it again.
Yeah.
- Push.
- Just push.
- Push me.
- Push with me.
- Push me.
- Right, there.
Yeah.
- I'm stuck on my belt.
- Come--
- I'm stuck on my belt.
- Where is he?
[light instrumental music]
Oh, there he is.
Dad!
- I have just acquired
the perfect piece
of real estate to demolish.
Not only will our
year-end quotas be met,
but I am sure to be the toast
at this year's annual
acquisitions
and demolitions gala
because we are going to bulldoze
my daughter's school.
[intense music]
[laughs]
[dramatic music]
- What are you doing?
You can't bulldoze my school.
What about me?
What--What about my friends?
Where will we go?
♪
- Public school.
♪
[solemn music]
♪
- Listen up, everyone.
I think it's time
that we play
everyone's favorite
sleepover game,
and my dad is up first.
[applause]
[pop music]
♪
Dad, truth or dare
or lie or fap or kill
or vegetable or mineral?
[dramatic music]
♪
- Truth.
- Is it true that
you recently acquired the school
under false pretenses
from Beatrix's new dad
just so you could bulldoze it
and send us all
to public school?
♪
- Yes.
[all gasp]
[all murmuring]
- Nobody move!
- Ugh.
Old Dad,
what are you doing here?
- Everybody, listen up!
I want to be included
in this sleepover, okay?
Now, if you guys
don't let me hang out with you,
your precious friend here
gets it, okay?
- Go ahead.
Nobody here likes him.
He was gonna send us
to public school.
- Wait, what?
No!
That's--That's not how
you're supposed to react!
[electric zapping]
[electronic whirring]
- [yelling unintelligibly]
[electronic whirring]
- I'm on it.
- [speaking unintelligibly]
- Dad.
Dad!
- What?
- That man was a machine.
[solemn music]
- A robot, to be exact.
♪
And I should know.
I created him.
♪
You see, I'm not just
a gastroenterologist.
I also build robots.
- All right, Dr. Pike,
we get it.
You're busy.
- And so are you, Dale.
And so are all of you.
Don't you get it?
I created this robot for us!
I'm sure you have all wished
that there could
be more of you, right?
That you could get
more work done,
be in two places
at the same time,
have someone else deal with
your family's emotional demands.
- He's right!
And I, for one,
would love to invest.
- Me too.
- Me too.
- [laughs]
No.
All serious investors
are more than welcome
to come down to the laboratory
to see the new prototypes.
In fact, why don't we all
just do that right now?
♪
- Where are you going?
Somebody help him!
- I'll tell you right now,
I'm very serious.
♪
- You're all doctors!
♪
[whooshing]
- [groans]
Goodwill?
This is hopeless.
My dad is dead,
he's lost in Hell,
and I'm never gonna
see him again.
[instrumental music]
- Parker
the reason we haven't
found your dad
[sighs]
Is that I am your dad.
♪
- What?
- [laughs]
No, no, no, no, no.
Just kidding.
I'm totally gupping with you.
I'm not really your dad.
[laughs]
[in demonic voice]
Come on, I'm a demon.
What do you want from me?
- So where is he really?
- [in normal voice]
Well, brace yourself.
This might come as a shock.
Your dad's not in Hell.
[instrumental music]
- He's in Heaven?
- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Heaven's not real.
No, your dad's not in Hell
because he isn't dead.
- What?
- Don't get too excited though.
He--He faked his own death.
Tax purposes.
Then he moved down
to Boca Raton.
Again, tax purposes.
And there he met this really,
just homerun of a girl
who's a lot younger
than your mom
and they live together.
They didn't get married.
Again, tax reasons.
She's got this daughter
that's about your age,
and he loves her more than
anything he's ever loved before.
Ever.
You know how it is.
Sometimes you just need
a fresh start.
You know?
Right?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, no.
I--That makes sense.
- But I hope that doesn't
make things weird between us
'cause I totally feel like
we're buds and that we can hang.
Like, I was just
thinking to myself,
"I can't wait till she dies.
I wish we could hang
all the time."
- I'm going to Hell?
♪
- Oh.
Oh, um
- I'm messing with you!
Of course I'm going to Hell.
- [laughing]
Oh, God.
You bitch, you got me.
[R&B music]
- [sobbing]
- All the sand ♪
♪
Has blown away ♪
[phone ringing]
All I wanted was a change ♪
- Dad?
You're alive?
Where are you?
- Sweetie, I'm in Paris
with Kanye,
and we're working on
"Watch the Throne Two."
- What?
- Yeah, he called me earlier
and he told me
to go to the sleepover,
and I was totally going to go,
but then we kept talking
and realized we have
a lot in common,
and then he asked me to come
hang at the studio,
and I thought, "Why not?"
So I sent robot me
to the sleepover.
- Oh,
everything makes sense now.
You weren't icing me out.
You were just a robot.
We're still besties?
- Hold your horses.
You did just royally screw up
an important deal for me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just--
- Hang on.
Now release those horses
because you have finally
earned my respect,
as intentionally
screwing people over
is exactly
what business is all about.
- You mean it?
- I do.
Good job, honey.
But watch your back
because I am coming for you
and I will destroy you.
- [sighs]
I love you too, Dad.
♪
- You take me away ♪
♪
[ominous music]
[jazzy music]
♪
- Help.
Help me.
♪
She's sexing me to death.
- Oh, David ♪
♪
- I just didn't get
the whole roses thing.
You got to help me.
- Don't worry.
I'll get you out of here, Davey.
- [sighs]
- Sweet, sweet Davey.
♪
You ever sex it up
in a classroom, Davey?
♪
- No.
No, not again.
- Yeah.
- God, not again.
- Beautiful boy.
- [sobbing]
- So you want to know
where we were all summer.
Do you know what an island is?
- You're on a strange
and dangerous island.
You must learn
how to protect yourself
with one of these.
It's a comes-back stick.
- I need to find my sister
and get us off this island.
- [yelling]
Chaad, where are you?
- We need to work together
to stay alive.
Oh, my God.
Civilization.
- When we obey the gods,
they reward us.
- I'm a gift from the gods.
- Yes, yes.
We are here to obey.
[electronic music]
- That is fierce.
Oh, my God.
I was like, "How am I gonna
talk to her about this?"
Like, awkward sandwich
with a side of uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.
- [groans]
Wait a minute.
Now, this is yoga too?
- Oh, yeah.
- I feel like you could
wear that out.
- Oh, yeah, no, it's hot.
It's just for yoga.
- Huh. That's weird.
Okay, okay.
Favorite yoga pose on three.
One, two, three.
both: Savasana.
- [gasps]
- No way!
[electronic music]
♪
- [growls]
[keys clicking]
[clapping]