FM (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

She was a lovely woman and her sausages were great.
I don't think she was a force for good in McCartney's music.
Pre-Linda, Blackbird.
Post-Linda, The Frog Song.
It works both ways.
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil.
Britney Spears and K-Fed.
All women whose careers were ruined by men.
They didn't make their music shit, they just made them drug addicts.
Wouldn't you prefer to be addicted to smack rather than responsible for writing Pipes Of Peace? Ah! Scrumpy's here.
Brilliant! I should remind listeners that tonight we have elected to wear anoraks and drink cider from plastic cups in honour of the fact that our very own Jane Edwards.
That was Jane woo-hoohing.
She's been asked to programme her own stage at the new Greenfields Festival.
- I say stage.
It's more of a plinth.
- Leave my stage alone.
It's not the size, it's what you do with it that counts.
- You should know that, cashew cock.
- Peanut.
If Prince were to headline her stage, he'd hit his head on the lights.
Cider.
Responsible for more teenage pregnancies than the English football team.
This is States Of Emotion, She Cuts Shapes.
DJ Truck.
- What are you doing? - A bit of colouring-in.
- It's for a competition.
- Aren't you a bit old for that? I got this thing going with my cousin.
He's six.
I enter under his name, and if we win, we split it.
So far, I've got an iPod on an animal wordsearch, I got a trip to Legoland, that was another colouring-in one, and I got a metre-long bar of chocolate.
But I didn't share that with him cos he is morbidly obese.
Sweet.
How's it hanging, LC? Hey TK.
Hey, Dais.
Pretty picture.
I didn't know you were an artist.
I do a bit of painting myself.
I had a few little exhibitions, nothing too big, but I did ceramics.
For GCSE.
Yeah, I got a B for my exam pot.
I would've got an A but I didn't glaze it properly.
- Clock.
- Beer.
Yeah, gotta go.
Beer o'clock.
No, this one's not working either.
- What? It's only 16 quid.
- I guess you're fucked, then.
- Try this one again.
- Have you been paid in the last 14 s? I'll get these.
Matt Kyle.
I'm a big fan.
So you know, I don't suck off strangers who buy me drinks.
But I can introduce you to my producer, Jane, who I don't want you to suck me off.
Great.
Can you make those doubles? I'm from Essential FM.
Every thought about flying solo? I don't really think Essential FM is my thing.
Yeah.
I can offer you ten times the audience.
- It's not about the audience, mate.
- Five time the salary.
I just asked their manager if they wanted to play my stage.
They're already booked on Alex Middleton's stage.
The one you used to work for? - She used to work for ME.
Why is she programming a stage? It's gonna be a music festival, not a conniving, back-stabbing, hairy-armed bitch festival.
Oi, oi, savaloy! - Oh, shit! - It's Tiswas.
Duck.
Don't leave me alone Lindsay Carol! Hey, man! - Shall we hug? Can I hug you? - I don't know.
Let's I feel so safe in your arms, man.
I've got this great band for you.
The Pharaoh Islands.
You've got to have them on your show.
They're brilliant.
They supported The Kooks at Brixton.
Imagine if Rage Against The Machine fucked Enya, these guys would be their bastard children.
OK.
Well, my beer's getting cold.
Look.
I know I'm a plugger and that this is my job, but even if I worked in a shop, I'd be stood here now telling you how great this band is.
You do work in a shop.
- You work in a shoe shop! - Timpson's isn't a shoe shop.
We fix shoes.
We also cut keys and make trophies.
Trust me on this, bruv.
When have I ever let you down before? Anal Gabriel? Remember them? They made me want to tear off my own testicles and shove them in my ears, just to drown out the noise.
They had a couple of tuning issues, I'll give you that.
- I'll talk to you later, Tis.
- We're just over there, yeah? I feel uncomfortable describing what we do as music per se.
I don't like classifying things, putting things in boxes.
I hate boxes.
You can't use words to describe music.
It's like using a flute to write a book or using maths to explain colours.
- I hate words.
- Words have no place in music.
- Except for lyrics.
- Except for lyrics.
I wish I could get it out there, so people could hear it for themselves.
- Like on the radio or on - I can play it on the radio.
On my radio show on the radio.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my God! Guys! Lindsay's gonna play our song on his show.
Lindsay, man.
Let's celebrate.
I'll get a bottle in, yeah.
Cava? Cava? You all right with the Cava? Wicked! Oh, God.
I have to go.
- Where? - I have rock cakes in the oven.
She bakes! Sky! Why don't you just come into the studio tomorrow? I could play your song.
The Charlatans are in.
Then maybe we could go for dinner.
Hey.
I love the Charlatans.
Look.
Here's my number.
And my email.
And our MySpace.
Our stuff's on there.
- Good.
- It's been lovely meeting you.
- Do you like ginger? - I do.
Great! I think I just saw God.
But like, a sexy God.
What's happened to your arm? You've been tagged.
- You're a little bit pissed.
- Who are you? The Sheriff of Drinktown? OK, Jane.
You know we've got the Charlatans in first thing? "We've got The Charlatans in first thing!" - Just give me a call, yeah? - All right, mate.
What you seen Jane? She's gone all Kerry Katona.
- Essential FM? - They've offered me my own show.
They want me to do a test record tomorrow.
You're not gonna do it.
Right? It's all adverts and roadshows and jingles.
Of course I'm doing it.
It's a lot of money.
Prostitutes make a lot of money.
Contract killers make a lot of money.
Piers Morgan makes a lot of money.
It's not about the money, Dom.
It's about the music.
The music's not gonna buy me a monster truck.
Alex Middleton.
- Who's next, ladies? - Usual, please, Mario.
So, it's been a while.
I'm up at Essential FM now.
- You still doing the indie thing? - Yeah.
Still at Skin.
The whole commercial thing never interested me.
Well, I just bought a new flat.
Split-level, next to a canal.
Careful you don't fall in.
I hear you're doing Greenfields, as well.
That stage of yours is very intimate.
Is it just for solo artists or can you fit a whole band on there? I'm doing the second biggest in the whole festival.
We've got Futureheads headlining which is pretty exciting.
Who did you say your headliner was again? The Charlatans.
Two shots, skinny cappuccino.
It's not the size of the stage, really.
It's what you do with it that counts.
- Ciao.
- Ciao, ciao.
Why are you in so early? What's happened? I call the lawyers? I thought I'd see what you lot get up to first thing.
I get it.
Clean clothes, shower, tie.
This is about your meeting with Essential FM.
- Who told you? .
- Lindsay told you, didn't he? - Yeah.
He was almost crying.
What do you think about Essential? I think they're a bunch of jingle-loving corporate cocksucking swan-fisting pricks.
That's food for thought.
Everyone likes cashmere, don't they? It's a luxury fabric.
I have got a great new band.
- Why are you in so early? Who's dead? - What's happened to your arm? God happened to my arm.
Imagine if Rage Against The Machine fucked Enya.
OK.
They're called The Pharaoh Islands and I have promised to play one of their tracks on my show tonight.
So let's have a little listen.
Yeah, I think that's a that's a B side.
It must be a B side.
Just try another one.
Here we go.
Are these speakers There's too much treble on them.
That's the fecking problem.
Here we go.
.
- An original sound, wasn't it? Like someone's grating a ghost.
OK.
I liked it.
And it's my show so we're playing it.
- We're not playing it.
- Jane, please! Are you trying to use the show as a method of buying sex? - We're not playing it.
- Come on! You hypocrite.
All that shit about it being "about the music".
You're whoring out our airwaves so you can get your rocks off.
But she bakes! This is why shit always rises to the top cos people like you give talentless twats opportunities they don't deserve.
I promised! You shouldn't make promises you can't keep.
The Charlatans are here.
So I asked the guy to go and get me some factor 30.
And he comes back with two bottles of factor 15.
That's brilliant! 15! Mark, do you know a band called The Pharaoh Islands? Yeah.
Tim, didn't Pharaoh Islands support the Kooks at Brixton? Only because Luke fancied their singer.
It's pathetic.
A leg-up for a leg-over.
That is pathetic.
Tim, you're so right.
The Kooks are idiots.
They're not idiots.
- No.
They're not IDIOTS.
They're lovely, actually.
They're really great boys.
Do you condition your hair a lot? Cos it's gorgeous.
- Jane, you've got a delivery.
- Brilliant.
I've bought us all matching scarves.
They're cashmere.
- What's going on? - I was being a good host.
You're being a mental person.
Who buys rock stars scarves? - I saw Alex this morning.
- And? She was bragging about her stage and how she's got the Futureheads headlining and I might have accidentally said that I had the Charlatans.
- You what? - I know! But I couldn't let her win, thinking she's better than me, and she's got a flat by a canal.
- That is better than you.
- Who's Alex? - The woman Jane used to work for.
- She used to work for ME.
.
- I'm gonna be late for my meeting.
See you later.
I can't believe you're breaking up the band.
- Whatever.
Hypocrite.
- See you later, Jingle Judas.
Lindsay, there's a girl at reception with eyes and flapjack.
She made me flapjack.
Are those pumpkin seeds? The secret's in the syrup.
I use maple instead of golden.
- And a pinch of ginger.
- I'm getting the ginger.
So, did you listen to our stuff? - I loved it.
- Which one's your favourite? Favourite one? I liked the one that sounded like a ghost.
I can't remember the name.
I hear your producer's programming a stage at Greenfields.
I always wanted to play a festival.
Maybe we could play her one of our tracks.
Or you could give her some flapjack.
the producer is in the Winnebago snorting coke off a stripper's tit.
That's when I thought, "Hey.
Maybe I should produce".
That's a brilliant story.
So, Evie, what about you? I used to work in hospital radio.
Evie fucked her way to the top.
It was a joke.
I'm just kidding.
Evie, is very talented.
Enough bush-beating.
Let's talk show.
Usually Status Quo do our jingles, but someone set fire to their wardrobe truck so we got the boys in the back to knock this up so you can have a flavour.
Play the jingle.
"The Dom Cox show.
" "Dom Cox on your radio.
" Look, look.
Matt.
Matt.
- I'm really excited about this.
But - But you think we're a bunch of stiff, suit-wearing money-loving pop-playing wankers who don't give a shit about music? And you'd be right.
It's exactly why we need you, Coxy.
- The jingle's - Yeah? Fuck the jingle.
Evie? Fuck Status Quo.
You get to call the shots.
You get to pick your playlist, choose your guests, and we want to pay you this.
Fucking hell.
Sorry I'm late.
Jesus, Matt.
That bird on reception belongs in the Playboy mansion, not answering calls for you bunch of knob-heads.
Rhys, you're just in time.
Dom, this is your co-host.
Co-host? Hey, everybody.
This is Sky.
The lead singer of the Pharaoh Islands.
Who wants a flapjack? - Yes, please.
- Absolutely.
So, you been in radio long, Rhys? I've been about.
My dad's one of the owners of this place.
suggested I give it a go.
I actually want to race motorbikes.
- Great.
- Dom Cox, Rhys Bagshaw, test record.
Whenever you're ready, guys.
OK.
I'm Dom Cox, and this is the Dom Cox radio show.
- Coming at you from - And I'm Rhys Bagshaw.
And we're here on Essential FM! OK.
Yes, as Rhys just said there.
To usher in this new era, I've decided we need a complete overhaul.
We're gonna change the name of this station to Cox FM.
I want to put Cox in every home in this fair land.
I want housewives to be enjoying Cox.
I want hairdressers to be enjoying Cox.
Vicar, builders, the Queen.
That's right.
I basically want the whole world to love Cox.
We've already got the gays on board and we know that they love cock.
Yeah.
I suppose they do.
The other day I was watching this brilliant artist, Alexander Wolf.
- Was he actually a wolf? - Was there an actual wolf on stage? Strumming away on his guitar with a little hair paw? - No, Rhys.
He was an actual man.
- Like a wolf man? OK.
Jane, before you say anything, just try this.
Lindsay! I'm not gonna play the Pharaoh Islands tonight.
Come on, Jane.
Imagine how you're gonna feel when you come and visit Sky and me in our converted farm house in Roscommon.
Little baby Orla comes twaddling over and she says, "Papa, why did Momma never fulfil her dreams?" And I'll say, "Ask Auntie Jane".
And she'll say, "Who? Auntie Jane the dream stealer?" You're right.
What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking.
I'm a radio producer and I'm not playing that shite on my show.
Now go and tell her.
I will tell her as soon as you tell the Charlatans that they're headlining your stage.
How does that sound? That's good! Is that pumpkin seed? And I was like, "Yeah?" And they were like, "Wow!" Anyway, as I was saying, when I bought these rice cakes - And my theory on rice cakes - What's the deal with rice cakes? Who wants rice in a cake? It's not even rice.
It's rice crispies.
- They're not rice.
- They are.
And what about pancakes? What's that all about? Cakes made out of pans? - The Kate Moss thing? Will you shut up! Could I have a word? I need to ask you a question.
I've been asked to programme a stage on the new Greenfields festival.
- Yeah, we'll do it.
- What? You will? - On one condition.
- Anything.
Can we put the Pharaoh Islands on the bill, too? - They've agreed to play my stage.
- Fuck off.
And knowing how much it means to you, I've decided to play the Pharaoh Islands song tonight and book them for my stage! What have you done with Jane? I know they're a bit raw.
But now you've got a story to tell little Orla about her Auntie Jane.
The dream maker.
Get a room.
- How did it go? - Amazing.
I did a live test record.
Smashed it.
It should've gone out live, it was that good.
Wicked co-host.
The suits love me.
I told them to go fuck themselves.
I don't want to work for a bunch of stiff, suit-wearing, money-loving, celebrity-obsessed, pop-playing wankers.
It's not about the money.
It's about the music.
The mighty Charlatans there, who are still with us.
They can be seen in our green room chomping on delicious flapjacks.
Yeah.
And we can exclusively reveal that they will be headlining Jane Edwards' stage at the Greenfields festival.
Another act gracing Jane's stage will be a new band called The Pharaoh Islands.
And here is a track from their as yet unreleased EP, Trifle Town.
Dom? Yeah, hi.
It's Matt.
I'm sorry about earlier.
Rhys was a mistake.
I'm with the guys from upstairs.
They were listening to the show.
They love you.
- The job's yours if you want it.
- Really? Great.
What is that noise? I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sky, I do love you, and I desperately want you to bear my children, but I cannot play this music.
It sounds like someone's trying to drown Leslie Garrett.
I'm sorry.
Dom, man, you were right.
I am a hypocrite.
Listeners, today Dom had a meeting at a massive radio station and they offered him buckets of money, but he turned them down because he said, "It's not about the money, it's about the music.
" - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
You beautiful, blond man.
You said they were a bunch of stiff, suit-wearing, money-loving, celebrity-obsessed, pop-playing wankers, - and I love you for it.
Jane.
Jane, the dream maker.
You sacrificed your ideals and booked the Pharaoh Islands - just so I could have a go on Sky.
- I didn't say that.
And the Charlatans.
Tim, you said to me, only this afternoon, what a terrible, terrible band the Pharaoh Islands were, and how pathetic it was for someone to give someone else a leg-up just to get their leg over.
But I didn't listen.
Shame on me.
Well, I'm sorry, everybody.
Let's put a stop to this right now.
Let's do what we do best and play some quality music.
What? Never take a dump at a festival.
It's like the Somme but with shit music.
Really sorry to hear about the Charlatans.
It gave me a chance to give some opportunities to some newer bands.
That's very admirable.
I don't think I've heard of anyone on your list.
They're all really new.
But it's exciting cos it's all about the music.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Anal Gabriel.
Good for you, Jane.
As you say, it's not about the size of your stage, it's about what you've done with it that counts.
Oi, oi, savaloy! "Cider, cider, cider, cider, cider chameleon"