Frank of Ireland (2021) s01e06 Episode Script
Memento Mary
1
♪♪
(grunting)
Ahh!
Oh!
(grunts)
- Fishhook, you bastard.
- (grunts)
(horn blows)
- Happy birthday, Frank.
- Where's my present?
It's in the living room.
Come on.
♪("Happy Birthday")
What's goin' on?
- Frank, this is an intervention.
- This is an intervention, Frank.
Fuck. Sorry.
Happy birthday, buddy. Yay!
(pops)
♪♪
My birthday present's
an intervention.
We also got you a bike.
What's the intervention for?
You're stuck in
a cycle, Frank.
You keep making
the same mistakes,
and it's affecting
our lives, too.
These past few weeks have been
really hard for me
MARY: Oh, Jesus, Aine.
It's not just one thing,
Frank.
It's everything about you.
It's this whole
situation.
You have to change.
We all agree.
Et tu, Doofus?
(clears throat)
"The film 'Memento'
stars Guy Pearce
"as anterograde amnesiac
Leonard Shelby"
What's that got to do
with anything?
"Memento" is about a man
caught in a cycle, Aine.
Like Frank. It's also
a film told in reverse,
and that's what Frank's doin',
movin' backwards,
when really,
he needs to move forward
and reinvent himself
the way Guy Pearce did
after "Neighbours"
when he started doing
cool independent films
like "Memento."
So, Frank, you need to be
less like Guy Pearce in
"Memento,"
and more like Guy Pearce
doing "Mem
It's very simple.
I have a graph here.
That's Look at the facts,
Frank.
You're 33,
you don't have a job
- I do have a job.
- Music isn't a job
unless you're paid for it.
- It's Napster!
- You don't have a job,
you're still livin' at home.
You can't even fucking drive,
hence the bicycle.
You're welcome, by the way.
You think
I'm stuck in a cycle
so you gave me a bike?
- Duh!
- Listen to us, Frank.
If you keep livin' like this,
what's your life gonna
look like in 30 years?
♪♪
(laughing)
- What's he doing here?
- Liam's home, pet.
For good this time.
How's the intervention going?
Sorry I slept in,
- I'm bloody wrecked.
- Not surprised,
the dicking you gave me
last night. (chuckles)
He can't stay here, Mam.
I'm not in the business of
taking in freeloaders.
Are those my underpants?
What's with the narky vibes,
brother? Relaxez vous.
- Hey, Mares, any chance of a cup of tea?
- Yeah.
Do not make that man
a cup of tea, Mary.
Don't make him
a cup of tea, Mam.
Goddamnit!
I'm in a cycle?
Every couple of years,
you let this amadáin
back in your life,
then when things get real,
he skedaddles,
and you go back to ridin'
silly young willy,
- willy nilly.
- Zing!
How long has this
been goin' on?
Thirty years! More!
About that, I'd say.
FRANK: Right,
so classic cycle.
Aine, you blame me
for holdin' you back,
but every time you get with
somebody new,
you fuck it up by
gettin' back with me.
- Cycle.
- I've done that, like
- four times at the most.
- (laughs)
Doofus,
you live at home, too.
You don't have a job, either.
You can't drive
any more than I can.
- Cycle!
- I do cycle.
- No, you you're
- And I pay my Mam rent,
and I got my job back, Frank.
You got your job
Fuck. Never mind.
This is the worst birthday
of my entire life.
I'm not "Memento,"
you guys are "Memento."
- You're all fuckin' "Memento."
- I'm not "Memento."
You're so fuckin' "Memento."
You're the worst "Memento."
Now, look, I'll admit
I've made mistakes in the past.
But here's the thing this wild
rover realized on the road.
I don't have
plans and schemes ♪
And I don't have
hopes and dreams ♪
No one wants to hear
your music, Liam.
I don't have anything ♪
Since I don't have you ♪
Hey. Stop that.
Stop touching my mother.
You're just the same
as him, Frank.
You're all fuckin' losers.
Fuck off, Aine!
FRANK: I'm nothing like that
man and I'm gonna prove it.
Don't know if this is
a good idea, Frank,
I'm on my last warning
in here.
- Hurry up.
- I am, you're hurting my wrist.
WOMAN: Two minutes, Doofus!
Listen, Zoe is intense,
okay? Don't
Don't fuck around in there,
she'll
- she'll hit you, Frank.
- Mm-mm.
- Did you bring your CV?
- Yeah, course I did.
She'll love it.
- That's a CD.
- Yeah.
Ah, fuck!
We'll be together ♪
Together, we will be ♪
You're proposing we
play this in the store?
No. No, just thought
you'd like it.
I don't like it.
What do you see when you
look at me, Frank?
Very nice young lady.
I've been working here
since I was 14 years old.
I am the youngest
Shuppa Shop manager
in North County Dublin
history.
Give me a couple years,
I'll own the place.
And I'll find another
Shuppa Shop, and another.
And by the time I'm 25,
I'll own five Shuppa Shops.
Husband, baby.
By the time I'm you're age,
I'll have two babies,
six Shuppa Shops.
What I'm sayin', Frank, is that
I've got my life sorted.
I don't need a musician
wasting my time,
some flake who
never turns up.
If you want the job here,
you better be committed.
I'm not
a musician anymore, Zoe.
I'm a grown up now.
A loser. Like him.
There's a spot at the deli
counter I need filled today.
I'll take ya
on one condition.
- Doofus has to vouch for ya.
- I vouch for him.
Frank's my best friend
and he's changing his life.
Welcome to Shuppa Shop.
You start immediately.
(sighs) You won't
regret it, Miss Zoe.
Can I start tomorrow?
It's my birthday today.
- Doofus!
- (indistinct shouting)
Bollocks!
More bread!
Ahh!
Here you go.
Jesus Christ,
this is horrible!
MARY: Here's to Frank,
everybody.
And his first day of work.
His first ever day of work.
Hey!
Three hour shift.
I'm tellin' ya. Mental.
Where's Aine?
I texted her.
Maybe she's not into
company men.
What did you do today, Liam,
while I was at work?
Did you stay in bed all day?
I was working on
my fingering.
- (laughs)
- You are unbelievable.
No, my tin whistle.
Wanna hear?
Liam's very talented, Frank.
Unlike some.
There's no music
in the bar, Liam.
Who's gonna stop me?
- Ah-aon, do, tri
- (plays whistle)
- Fuck sake, Liam.
- Sorry, Paul.
- (snickers)
- Be nice, Frank.
You could learn a lot
from this man.
And not just about fingering.
Hey. Let him give you a driving
lesson tomorrow morning.
- How about that?
- I'm happy to teach him to drive,
but I don't think Frank
is quite there yet.
It's no problem for me,
Liam, I'm a grown up now.
- I'd be delighted. Thank you.
- MARY: Well, that's fab.
Now, let's have
some birthday scoops,
and stop being cunts
to each other.
Fine. Here's to drinking.
And driving.
(glasses clink)
♪♪
Ahh. (belches)
♪♪
FRANK: Even his car
is pathetic.
I'm so hungover.
Why are we doin' this
at a roundabout?
It's the best place for
a first lesson.
The roundabout, it's just
circles, isn't it?
Right. Clutch down,
turn key.
(car starts)
- Wahey!
- (Doofus chuckles)
Okay, now, everything you
want to know about driving
comes down to
one simple acronym.
S-P-E-E-D.
Speed.
That's right.
So, S is for signal
- Mm.
- So you want to signal before you do anything else.
- So signal there.
- Yeah, you have to signal, Frank.
- (turn signal clicking)
- Okay, good.
P is for parking break.
Make sure your
parking break is on.
Or off, depending on
the situation.
It's always either
one or the other,
but it's vitally important
that it's the correct one.
- Okay, is that clear?
- Yeah, which one
E is for everything.
Some people would say
check this mirror,
check that, that's nonsense.
You're better off just observing
everything at all times,
and that way
Yeah? Right.
Eh, second E
second E is, yeah,
educate yourself on
the rules of the road,
eh eh, before you begin.
You want to do that
before you do the first S
which is signal,
which you want to do
before anything else,
but the first thing you
want to do before all that
is educate yourself on
the rules of the road.
Okay? Is that clear?
And then lastly,
D is for drive.
Yeah? Just drive.
Any questions?
You don't know
how to drive, do you?
(turn signal clicking)
Who's car is this?
- Hello.
- Who are you?
I'm Caoimhin.
Caoimhin's my name.
What are you doing here?
I'm Liam's best friend,
so I help him out
from time to time.
Drive him around.
Moral support.
Big him up, you know?
Whatever he needs.
That's pathetic.
Normally, when he's with Mary,
I get a little break.
Shut up, Caoimhin.
Okey dokey.
Drive us for pints.
Okey dokey.
♪♪
Now
You're not havin' a pint?
Oh, I try to steer clear.
The old ticker's not great.
Apparently,
my stress levels are
catastrophically high
for some reason.
(spitting)
That's corked!
Get me another one,
will ya?
- And don't pay for it.
- Yeah. No, yeah.
What sort of a chump
can't drive at 63?
It's not that bad.
You may not be able to drive
but you're back with Mary.
Yeah.
And you have a job. Right?
Yeah. I have my music.
(chuckles)
- (whimpering)
- Please don't cry.
(whimpering)
(whispers)
What should we do?
Intervention?
(sobbing)
Why don't you get a job,
like Frank?
(sobbing loudly)
Oh. Okay, forget it.
Let's go for a pint.
No, Mam.
"The film 'Memento'
stars Guy Pearce as"
Can't get a job.
I can't get a job.
I don't have skills.
I don't Very trapped here.
- I feel very trapped.
- It's okay, Liam.
Okay, Liam,
you're not trapped.
- I'm here.
- (breathing heavily)
I'm here. Good.
(blowing) Good.
- Ahh.
- Doofus, I have an idea.
Not ham.
With cheese, please.
- What do you want?
- Bread! I need bread!
- You get bread.
- Can't make sandwiches without bread.
You have any sourdough?
- Help!
- FRANK: Somebody!
Help! Help! Help!
That was a bit much.
Jesus Christ!
Wait'll you do a lunch.
- It gets worse?
- I don't like it either, Liam.
But we need to show
the women in our lives
that we're capable of change.
- It's the only hope they have.
- (car horn honks)
- Oh! Speak of the devil.
- Aine.
No.
- First day.
- ALL: Woo!
Proud of you, Liam.
ZOE: Sorry to interrupt
the circle jerk.
(cork pops)
Doofus, you'll set the alarm?
- Yes, Zoe.
- Yes, Miss Zoe.
Yes, Miss
Uh, sorry. Yeah.
No alcohol on
the premises, miss.
Oh.
ZOE: I'm trusting you,
Doofus.
Congratulations,
everybody!
Why don't I give you boys
a lift in tomorrow?
Why don't you cycle in?
Up that independence, Frank.
- I'll take the lift.
- Why?
'Cause you don't have
a bike?
Come outside.
I have a surprise for ya.
Is it a bike?
AINE'S VOICE:
Hi, this is Aine.
Please leave a message
and I'll get back to ya.
(beep)
Hey, Aine. Look.
I know it's been bad
between us lately.
I'm sorry.
But I've made
some changes and
maybe it's not too late.
Yeah, if you could
drop your plans and
and see me,
that would be great.
I just No, honestly,
it's ni I
It's It's lovely,
like I'm sayin' it's lovely
Am I putting
too much pressure on ya?
- (chuckles)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- We can take it back.
- No, no
We'll take it back.
We'll take it back.
No, no, no, I just
can't do it, okay?
- All right?
- Can't do what?
I just can't fuckin'
I Cycle. Okay?
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh. Frank.
- Me?
(traffic noise)
Why are we at
the roundabout?
It just felt right.
When you're learning to cycle,
all you need to do is
remember a simple acronym.
Richard Of York
Gave Battle In Vain.
R stand for red.
O stands for orange.
Y stands for yellow.
Shit, that's rainbows.
You don't know how
to cycle, do ya?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Maybe the roundabout's
not a good idea.
Maybe we should quit
while we're ahead.
Come on, lads. Let's go!
Momentum is everything!
- Eyes straight ahead.
- Shut up, Mam, will ya?
Shut the fuck up.
Listen to me.
Look at me.
We got this.
We got this. Go.
- Let's go, boys!
- Let's go, boys.
- Ahh!
- Go on, lads!
Go on, lads!
(grunting)
Fuck!
I'm caught in me cycle!
- Help!
- Shit!
(horn honks)
- Liam!
- (horn honks)
- Liam!
- Keep goin'.
Keep goin', Frank!
- (horn honks)
- I'm doin' it!
I'm doin' it!
Oh! He's doin' it.
He's doin' it.
Look, Mam.
I'm out of the cycle!
- I'm cycling!
- (horn honks)
I'm out of the loop!
- I'm on a roundabout!
- (cheering)
♪♪
DOOFUS: Liam and Mary
seem pretty happy.
(scoffs)
That's just a phase.
Liam always comes back
to his friend.
Listen to me.
Shh, shh, shh.
Is it Aine?
She won't return my calls.
AINE: Frank.
- Where have you been?
- Doofus called me.
Told me everything.
I am so proud of you, Frank.
No.
No, Frank, you were right.
I need to break my cycle, too.
Are you two goin' out again?
No, Doofus,
we're just friends.
Best friends.
MARY: Hey.
We're out of booze!
- Where next?
- I know a place.
- DOOFUS: No, no, no, no, no!
- (overlapping dialog)
No, no! This is
a terrible idea.
- Zoe trusted me, okay?
- Pussy!
- (laughing)
- No, no, he's right.
In fairness, it's
a little irresponsible.
- I think maybe we should
- Caoimhin's a fuckin' pussy, everybody.
- Let's wreck the gaff!
- (whooping)
There was old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
He grew whiskers
on his chinnigan ♪
(screaming)
Poor old Michael Finnegan,
begin again ♪
Poor old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
He grew whiskers
on his chinnigan ♪
The wind came out
and blew them in again ♪
Poor old Michael ♪
Fuck off, Caoimhin,
will ya?
There was an old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
He grew whiskers
on his chinnigan ♪
The wind came out
and blew them in again ♪
Poor old Michael Finnegan,
begin again ♪
(laughing)
Can I sing a song?
(indistinct chatter)
A bit of order, everybody.
Okay, hey.
I wanna say something here.
I've been a wild rover
for many's a year.
I've spent all my money.
That's it.
That's the end of the sentence.
I don't have any money left,
but thanks to you people,
I know that
all I really need
is my lady.
My job.
And my tricycle.
My roving days are over.
So, Mary
answer me this.
Will you marry me?
(gasping)
Yes.
(all exclaiming)
Oh. Oh, I wish I had a ring.
Hang on.
Ooh.
It's perfect.
- Hey!
- Yay!
What What
What's going on here?
Liam asked Mary
to marry him.
Our men are movin' on.
(scoffs) No, they're not.
Liam, what's going on?
Hey! What the fuck
happened in here?
- Zoe, I I can explain.
- No, you can't.
- No, I can't.
- Liam, please don't ignore me.
- Look at me.
- You vouched for these morons, Doofus.
This is on your head.
You're fired.
- No. No!
- Look at me, Liam.
Caoimhin,
stop interrupting.
Please, Zoe, I'll do anything.
Please don't fire me.
Look at me, Liam,
look at me!
I will not be ignored anymore!
I have one thing,
one thing to say to you.
(clattering)
Does anybody know what to do?
- Intervention?
- ZOE: I'll call an ambulance.
Assbrains.
Oh
I hate the idea of him
wakin' up on his own.
♪♪
- Am I really fired?
- Of course you are.
Zoe, this isn't
Doofus' fault.
He vouched for me but,
well
I vouched for Liam,
so it's his fault.
Yeah. Yeah, it's my fault.
Go home, Zoe.
Come back in the morning,
I promise you, we'll have
this place spick and span.
Fire me and Liam,
but for God's sake,
let Doofus keep his job.
(sighs) Fine.
If it's good as new,
I'll think about it,
but I never want to see
you two here again.
I promise.
(exhales) Oh
Oh, thank you, Frank.
(chuckles)
Oh, you're welcome, buddy.
Looks like you got
some cleanin' up to do.
Oh
♪♪
Let's get you home, Liamo.
For good.
You comin', Frank?
Two secs.
Goodnight, Frank.
Goodnight, best friend.
Nope. Fine.
♪♪
(creaking)
Hey, Frank.
I'm just, um
Those are my underpants.
I'm a wild rover, Frank.
You're an arsehole.
Did you tell Mam or
are you just creepin' out?
(car approaches)
(horn honks)
Sorry, Frank, I'm just
I'm not ready.
Are you eating the ring?
I am, yeah.
(door opens, closes)
♪♪
(knocking)
Come in, darlin'.
- Liam
- I know.
So, what's the plan?
Ride a load of young ones
'til you feel better
about yourself?
(chuckles) Think I'll
give up riding for a while.
Don't end up
like him, Frank.
He's a fuckin' moron.
(doorbell rings)
Pokemon.
What's wrong?
You look upset.
And a tad horny.
So do you.
Yeah.
Liam skedaddled again.
- Arsehole.
- Yeah.
I just found out that, um
my grandma, she, uh
she died today.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I come in?
I don't think that's
- You sure?
- Yes.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes?
- No.
- No.
Poor old Sandra Finnegan,
right?
(chuckles)
♪♪
I don't have
plans and schemes ♪
And I don't have ♪
Fuck.
Hopes and dreams ♪
MARY: I cannot believe
you did it again.
Mam.
Aine's so boring.
Since I don't have you ♪
I don't have fond desires ♪
And I don't have
happy hours ♪
I don't have anything ♪
♪♪
(grunting)
Ahh!
Oh!
(grunts)
- Fishhook, you bastard.
- (grunts)
(horn blows)
- Happy birthday, Frank.
- Where's my present?
It's in the living room.
Come on.
♪("Happy Birthday")
What's goin' on?
- Frank, this is an intervention.
- This is an intervention, Frank.
Fuck. Sorry.
Happy birthday, buddy. Yay!
(pops)
♪♪
My birthday present's
an intervention.
We also got you a bike.
What's the intervention for?
You're stuck in
a cycle, Frank.
You keep making
the same mistakes,
and it's affecting
our lives, too.
These past few weeks have been
really hard for me
MARY: Oh, Jesus, Aine.
It's not just one thing,
Frank.
It's everything about you.
It's this whole
situation.
You have to change.
We all agree.
Et tu, Doofus?
(clears throat)
"The film 'Memento'
stars Guy Pearce
"as anterograde amnesiac
Leonard Shelby"
What's that got to do
with anything?
"Memento" is about a man
caught in a cycle, Aine.
Like Frank. It's also
a film told in reverse,
and that's what Frank's doin',
movin' backwards,
when really,
he needs to move forward
and reinvent himself
the way Guy Pearce did
after "Neighbours"
when he started doing
cool independent films
like "Memento."
So, Frank, you need to be
less like Guy Pearce in
"Memento,"
and more like Guy Pearce
doing "Mem
It's very simple.
I have a graph here.
That's Look at the facts,
Frank.
You're 33,
you don't have a job
- I do have a job.
- Music isn't a job
unless you're paid for it.
- It's Napster!
- You don't have a job,
you're still livin' at home.
You can't even fucking drive,
hence the bicycle.
You're welcome, by the way.
You think
I'm stuck in a cycle
so you gave me a bike?
- Duh!
- Listen to us, Frank.
If you keep livin' like this,
what's your life gonna
look like in 30 years?
♪♪
(laughing)
- What's he doing here?
- Liam's home, pet.
For good this time.
How's the intervention going?
Sorry I slept in,
- I'm bloody wrecked.
- Not surprised,
the dicking you gave me
last night. (chuckles)
He can't stay here, Mam.
I'm not in the business of
taking in freeloaders.
Are those my underpants?
What's with the narky vibes,
brother? Relaxez vous.
- Hey, Mares, any chance of a cup of tea?
- Yeah.
Do not make that man
a cup of tea, Mary.
Don't make him
a cup of tea, Mam.
Goddamnit!
I'm in a cycle?
Every couple of years,
you let this amadáin
back in your life,
then when things get real,
he skedaddles,
and you go back to ridin'
silly young willy,
- willy nilly.
- Zing!
How long has this
been goin' on?
Thirty years! More!
About that, I'd say.
FRANK: Right,
so classic cycle.
Aine, you blame me
for holdin' you back,
but every time you get with
somebody new,
you fuck it up by
gettin' back with me.
- Cycle.
- I've done that, like
- four times at the most.
- (laughs)
Doofus,
you live at home, too.
You don't have a job, either.
You can't drive
any more than I can.
- Cycle!
- I do cycle.
- No, you you're
- And I pay my Mam rent,
and I got my job back, Frank.
You got your job
Fuck. Never mind.
This is the worst birthday
of my entire life.
I'm not "Memento,"
you guys are "Memento."
- You're all fuckin' "Memento."
- I'm not "Memento."
You're so fuckin' "Memento."
You're the worst "Memento."
Now, look, I'll admit
I've made mistakes in the past.
But here's the thing this wild
rover realized on the road.
I don't have
plans and schemes ♪
And I don't have
hopes and dreams ♪
No one wants to hear
your music, Liam.
I don't have anything ♪
Since I don't have you ♪
Hey. Stop that.
Stop touching my mother.
You're just the same
as him, Frank.
You're all fuckin' losers.
Fuck off, Aine!
FRANK: I'm nothing like that
man and I'm gonna prove it.
Don't know if this is
a good idea, Frank,
I'm on my last warning
in here.
- Hurry up.
- I am, you're hurting my wrist.
WOMAN: Two minutes, Doofus!
Listen, Zoe is intense,
okay? Don't
Don't fuck around in there,
she'll
- she'll hit you, Frank.
- Mm-mm.
- Did you bring your CV?
- Yeah, course I did.
She'll love it.
- That's a CD.
- Yeah.
Ah, fuck!
We'll be together ♪
Together, we will be ♪
You're proposing we
play this in the store?
No. No, just thought
you'd like it.
I don't like it.
What do you see when you
look at me, Frank?
Very nice young lady.
I've been working here
since I was 14 years old.
I am the youngest
Shuppa Shop manager
in North County Dublin
history.
Give me a couple years,
I'll own the place.
And I'll find another
Shuppa Shop, and another.
And by the time I'm 25,
I'll own five Shuppa Shops.
Husband, baby.
By the time I'm you're age,
I'll have two babies,
six Shuppa Shops.
What I'm sayin', Frank, is that
I've got my life sorted.
I don't need a musician
wasting my time,
some flake who
never turns up.
If you want the job here,
you better be committed.
I'm not
a musician anymore, Zoe.
I'm a grown up now.
A loser. Like him.
There's a spot at the deli
counter I need filled today.
I'll take ya
on one condition.
- Doofus has to vouch for ya.
- I vouch for him.
Frank's my best friend
and he's changing his life.
Welcome to Shuppa Shop.
You start immediately.
(sighs) You won't
regret it, Miss Zoe.
Can I start tomorrow?
It's my birthday today.
- Doofus!
- (indistinct shouting)
Bollocks!
More bread!
Ahh!
Here you go.
Jesus Christ,
this is horrible!
MARY: Here's to Frank,
everybody.
And his first day of work.
His first ever day of work.
Hey!
Three hour shift.
I'm tellin' ya. Mental.
Where's Aine?
I texted her.
Maybe she's not into
company men.
What did you do today, Liam,
while I was at work?
Did you stay in bed all day?
I was working on
my fingering.
- (laughs)
- You are unbelievable.
No, my tin whistle.
Wanna hear?
Liam's very talented, Frank.
Unlike some.
There's no music
in the bar, Liam.
Who's gonna stop me?
- Ah-aon, do, tri
- (plays whistle)
- Fuck sake, Liam.
- Sorry, Paul.
- (snickers)
- Be nice, Frank.
You could learn a lot
from this man.
And not just about fingering.
Hey. Let him give you a driving
lesson tomorrow morning.
- How about that?
- I'm happy to teach him to drive,
but I don't think Frank
is quite there yet.
It's no problem for me,
Liam, I'm a grown up now.
- I'd be delighted. Thank you.
- MARY: Well, that's fab.
Now, let's have
some birthday scoops,
and stop being cunts
to each other.
Fine. Here's to drinking.
And driving.
(glasses clink)
♪♪
Ahh. (belches)
♪♪
FRANK: Even his car
is pathetic.
I'm so hungover.
Why are we doin' this
at a roundabout?
It's the best place for
a first lesson.
The roundabout, it's just
circles, isn't it?
Right. Clutch down,
turn key.
(car starts)
- Wahey!
- (Doofus chuckles)
Okay, now, everything you
want to know about driving
comes down to
one simple acronym.
S-P-E-E-D.
Speed.
That's right.
So, S is for signal
- Mm.
- So you want to signal before you do anything else.
- So signal there.
- Yeah, you have to signal, Frank.
- (turn signal clicking)
- Okay, good.
P is for parking break.
Make sure your
parking break is on.
Or off, depending on
the situation.
It's always either
one or the other,
but it's vitally important
that it's the correct one.
- Okay, is that clear?
- Yeah, which one
E is for everything.
Some people would say
check this mirror,
check that, that's nonsense.
You're better off just observing
everything at all times,
and that way
Yeah? Right.
Eh, second E
second E is, yeah,
educate yourself on
the rules of the road,
eh eh, before you begin.
You want to do that
before you do the first S
which is signal,
which you want to do
before anything else,
but the first thing you
want to do before all that
is educate yourself on
the rules of the road.
Okay? Is that clear?
And then lastly,
D is for drive.
Yeah? Just drive.
Any questions?
You don't know
how to drive, do you?
(turn signal clicking)
Who's car is this?
- Hello.
- Who are you?
I'm Caoimhin.
Caoimhin's my name.
What are you doing here?
I'm Liam's best friend,
so I help him out
from time to time.
Drive him around.
Moral support.
Big him up, you know?
Whatever he needs.
That's pathetic.
Normally, when he's with Mary,
I get a little break.
Shut up, Caoimhin.
Okey dokey.
Drive us for pints.
Okey dokey.
♪♪
Now
You're not havin' a pint?
Oh, I try to steer clear.
The old ticker's not great.
Apparently,
my stress levels are
catastrophically high
for some reason.
(spitting)
That's corked!
Get me another one,
will ya?
- And don't pay for it.
- Yeah. No, yeah.
What sort of a chump
can't drive at 63?
It's not that bad.
You may not be able to drive
but you're back with Mary.
Yeah.
And you have a job. Right?
Yeah. I have my music.
(chuckles)
- (whimpering)
- Please don't cry.
(whimpering)
(whispers)
What should we do?
Intervention?
(sobbing)
Why don't you get a job,
like Frank?
(sobbing loudly)
Oh. Okay, forget it.
Let's go for a pint.
No, Mam.
"The film 'Memento'
stars Guy Pearce as"
Can't get a job.
I can't get a job.
I don't have skills.
I don't Very trapped here.
- I feel very trapped.
- It's okay, Liam.
Okay, Liam,
you're not trapped.
- I'm here.
- (breathing heavily)
I'm here. Good.
(blowing) Good.
- Ahh.
- Doofus, I have an idea.
Not ham.
With cheese, please.
- What do you want?
- Bread! I need bread!
- You get bread.
- Can't make sandwiches without bread.
You have any sourdough?
- Help!
- FRANK: Somebody!
Help! Help! Help!
That was a bit much.
Jesus Christ!
Wait'll you do a lunch.
- It gets worse?
- I don't like it either, Liam.
But we need to show
the women in our lives
that we're capable of change.
- It's the only hope they have.
- (car horn honks)
- Oh! Speak of the devil.
- Aine.
No.
- First day.
- ALL: Woo!
Proud of you, Liam.
ZOE: Sorry to interrupt
the circle jerk.
(cork pops)
Doofus, you'll set the alarm?
- Yes, Zoe.
- Yes, Miss Zoe.
Yes, Miss
Uh, sorry. Yeah.
No alcohol on
the premises, miss.
Oh.
ZOE: I'm trusting you,
Doofus.
Congratulations,
everybody!
Why don't I give you boys
a lift in tomorrow?
Why don't you cycle in?
Up that independence, Frank.
- I'll take the lift.
- Why?
'Cause you don't have
a bike?
Come outside.
I have a surprise for ya.
Is it a bike?
AINE'S VOICE:
Hi, this is Aine.
Please leave a message
and I'll get back to ya.
(beep)
Hey, Aine. Look.
I know it's been bad
between us lately.
I'm sorry.
But I've made
some changes and
maybe it's not too late.
Yeah, if you could
drop your plans and
and see me,
that would be great.
I just No, honestly,
it's ni I
It's It's lovely,
like I'm sayin' it's lovely
Am I putting
too much pressure on ya?
- (chuckles)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- We can take it back.
- No, no
We'll take it back.
We'll take it back.
No, no, no, I just
can't do it, okay?
- All right?
- Can't do what?
I just can't fuckin'
I Cycle. Okay?
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh. Frank.
- Me?
(traffic noise)
Why are we at
the roundabout?
It just felt right.
When you're learning to cycle,
all you need to do is
remember a simple acronym.
Richard Of York
Gave Battle In Vain.
R stand for red.
O stands for orange.
Y stands for yellow.
Shit, that's rainbows.
You don't know how
to cycle, do ya?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Maybe the roundabout's
not a good idea.
Maybe we should quit
while we're ahead.
Come on, lads. Let's go!
Momentum is everything!
- Eyes straight ahead.
- Shut up, Mam, will ya?
Shut the fuck up.
Listen to me.
Look at me.
We got this.
We got this. Go.
- Let's go, boys!
- Let's go, boys.
- Ahh!
- Go on, lads!
Go on, lads!
(grunting)
Fuck!
I'm caught in me cycle!
- Help!
- Shit!
(horn honks)
- Liam!
- (horn honks)
- Liam!
- Keep goin'.
Keep goin', Frank!
- (horn honks)
- I'm doin' it!
I'm doin' it!
Oh! He's doin' it.
He's doin' it.
Look, Mam.
I'm out of the cycle!
- I'm cycling!
- (horn honks)
I'm out of the loop!
- I'm on a roundabout!
- (cheering)
♪♪
DOOFUS: Liam and Mary
seem pretty happy.
(scoffs)
That's just a phase.
Liam always comes back
to his friend.
Listen to me.
Shh, shh, shh.
Is it Aine?
She won't return my calls.
AINE: Frank.
- Where have you been?
- Doofus called me.
Told me everything.
I am so proud of you, Frank.
No.
No, Frank, you were right.
I need to break my cycle, too.
Are you two goin' out again?
No, Doofus,
we're just friends.
Best friends.
MARY: Hey.
We're out of booze!
- Where next?
- I know a place.
- DOOFUS: No, no, no, no, no!
- (overlapping dialog)
No, no! This is
a terrible idea.
- Zoe trusted me, okay?
- Pussy!
- (laughing)
- No, no, he's right.
In fairness, it's
a little irresponsible.
- I think maybe we should
- Caoimhin's a fuckin' pussy, everybody.
- Let's wreck the gaff!
- (whooping)
There was old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
He grew whiskers
on his chinnigan ♪
(screaming)
Poor old Michael Finnegan,
begin again ♪
Poor old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
He grew whiskers
on his chinnigan ♪
The wind came out
and blew them in again ♪
Poor old Michael ♪
Fuck off, Caoimhin,
will ya?
There was an old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
He grew whiskers
on his chinnigan ♪
The wind came out
and blew them in again ♪
Poor old Michael Finnegan,
begin again ♪
(laughing)
Can I sing a song?
(indistinct chatter)
A bit of order, everybody.
Okay, hey.
I wanna say something here.
I've been a wild rover
for many's a year.
I've spent all my money.
That's it.
That's the end of the sentence.
I don't have any money left,
but thanks to you people,
I know that
all I really need
is my lady.
My job.
And my tricycle.
My roving days are over.
So, Mary
answer me this.
Will you marry me?
(gasping)
Yes.
(all exclaiming)
Oh. Oh, I wish I had a ring.
Hang on.
Ooh.
It's perfect.
- Hey!
- Yay!
What What
What's going on here?
Liam asked Mary
to marry him.
Our men are movin' on.
(scoffs) No, they're not.
Liam, what's going on?
Hey! What the fuck
happened in here?
- Zoe, I I can explain.
- No, you can't.
- No, I can't.
- Liam, please don't ignore me.
- Look at me.
- You vouched for these morons, Doofus.
This is on your head.
You're fired.
- No. No!
- Look at me, Liam.
Caoimhin,
stop interrupting.
Please, Zoe, I'll do anything.
Please don't fire me.
Look at me, Liam,
look at me!
I will not be ignored anymore!
I have one thing,
one thing to say to you.
(clattering)
Does anybody know what to do?
- Intervention?
- ZOE: I'll call an ambulance.
Assbrains.
Oh
I hate the idea of him
wakin' up on his own.
♪♪
- Am I really fired?
- Of course you are.
Zoe, this isn't
Doofus' fault.
He vouched for me but,
well
I vouched for Liam,
so it's his fault.
Yeah. Yeah, it's my fault.
Go home, Zoe.
Come back in the morning,
I promise you, we'll have
this place spick and span.
Fire me and Liam,
but for God's sake,
let Doofus keep his job.
(sighs) Fine.
If it's good as new,
I'll think about it,
but I never want to see
you two here again.
I promise.
(exhales) Oh
Oh, thank you, Frank.
(chuckles)
Oh, you're welcome, buddy.
Looks like you got
some cleanin' up to do.
Oh
♪♪
Let's get you home, Liamo.
For good.
You comin', Frank?
Two secs.
Goodnight, Frank.
Goodnight, best friend.
Nope. Fine.
♪♪
(creaking)
Hey, Frank.
I'm just, um
Those are my underpants.
I'm a wild rover, Frank.
You're an arsehole.
Did you tell Mam or
are you just creepin' out?
(car approaches)
(horn honks)
Sorry, Frank, I'm just
I'm not ready.
Are you eating the ring?
I am, yeah.
(door opens, closes)
♪♪
(knocking)
Come in, darlin'.
- Liam
- I know.
So, what's the plan?
Ride a load of young ones
'til you feel better
about yourself?
(chuckles) Think I'll
give up riding for a while.
Don't end up
like him, Frank.
He's a fuckin' moron.
(doorbell rings)
Pokemon.
What's wrong?
You look upset.
And a tad horny.
So do you.
Yeah.
Liam skedaddled again.
- Arsehole.
- Yeah.
I just found out that, um
my grandma, she, uh
she died today.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I come in?
I don't think that's
- You sure?
- Yes.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes?
- No.
- No.
Poor old Sandra Finnegan,
right?
(chuckles)
♪♪
I don't have
plans and schemes ♪
And I don't have ♪
Fuck.
Hopes and dreams ♪
MARY: I cannot believe
you did it again.
Mam.
Aine's so boring.
Since I don't have you ♪
I don't have fond desires ♪
And I don't have
happy hours ♪
I don't have anything ♪