Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights (2010) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
Well, let her dance with him all night long Let her dance to her favorite song Well, let her dance with him Let her dance all night long.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! How are you doing? What do you do? I work as a PA in Tunnock's.
You work as a PA in Tunnock's? The teacake manufacturers? They have a lot of important meetings to be scheduled, do they? "Oh, it's the people who bring the foam.
" What sort of meetings have they had this week at Tunnock's? We're on strike! You're on strike? Fantastic! We should have more strikes in this country.
I like those French workers that kidnapped their boss in an adhesive factory.
They didn't even use adhesive to keep him there, the dozy bastards.
They tied him up! It's like having a job in a mortuary and going home to make love to your wife.
How are you doing, man? Not everyone can get away with lilac in Glasgow.
How are you doing? What do you do? Sales.
What are you selling? Sell it to me.
Food.
Food? That's how the recession's gone, people have got kind of basic all of a sudden, have they? "Hey, do you want to buy some food?" What sort of food are you selling, man? We might be interested.
Youdon't know? If you don't know, we're both fucked, right? You've got to know.
What is it? Anything.
Everything.
Everything? What are you selling? Who do you sell it to? Anybody in the shop.
This isn't really what you do.
You're lying to me, aren't you? What is it with this elaborate cover story, pal? Are you Jon Venables? We've got David Cameron as Prime Minister now, a wet-lipped buffoon who looks like he should be playing a trombone in a fucking Lurpak advert.
Nobody voted for this cuts agenda, did they? You'll have gone into a school on election day, cast your vote, you'll get punished for that decision for another four years.
You'd have got a shorter sentence if you'd gone into the same school and beaten a kid over the head with a fucking dumbbell.
They sacked that guy, can you believe that? You can't hold a kid down and beat him in the head with a dumbbell shouting, "Die, die, die!" any more.
It's political correctness gone mad.
Nick Clegg now has power, a guy who looks like he shouts out "Sorry" when he comes.
He's like the sort of guy who'd leave a stag party early cos he didn't want to miss Holby City.
He's worried about the recession? I like the new advert for the Halifax.
It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.
There's a scheme now to fast-track bankers out of work into teaching.
What sort of teacher will a banker make? "OK, I have no apples, and you have 40 apples.
"Give me all the apples.
" Hello, Robin, welcome to your nine-month work appraisal.
There's the question of the time Ifound you beating a prostitute in the Batmobile.
What were you hoping to get out of her? Value for money! I've been helping you spread fear in the community.
I told everybody you got Aids.
Some days I think you send somebody else in to work for you.
What, man? Come on, can't a guy get fat and black twice a week any more? Don't ask me about any shit, Batman, I lost my memory.
In the questionnaire I asked you to fill out, you said the moment that gave you most satisfaction was the time you used stolen technology to swap bodies with The Joker and achieve your long-time ambition of fucking yourself.
He ain't smiling any more, baby! There's the question of your fighting performance.
I just get into the spirit of it.
Kapow, kapow, kapow, kapow! Kapow! Kapow! Kablam, baby, kablam! Kapow! If I had to summarise your fighting style, I'd say you turn uplate, don't know what's going on, and kill everybody.
Of course I act out, fatherfucker.
You're using me as a human target! You go out, dressed in a black bullet-proof vest.
All I've got to wear is these little green panties.
Look what happened to all the other Robins.
I'm 34 years old, Batman, and I'm your ward.
What the fuck is a ward?! Fuck me or let me go! Fuck me or let me go, Batman! That one at the end, that's for me, right? No, that's where I imprison you during heroin withdrawal.
There's the question of improper use of a utility belt.
If I'm hanging upside down overa shark tank and I ask for help, I do not expect you to throw me poppers.
But I got us out of there! You know how? Because it may have nothing insideit but pornography, but the belt itself is made from pure PCP! I'm outta here, on my invisible motorcycle! There'd better not be any crime on the moon, cocksuckers! Call this PCP? This is some weak-ass shit! A lot of people think that movie piracy is like necrophilia, a victimless crime.
I watched that scene in The Accused the other night where Jodie Foster gets gang-raped on a pinball table, and I cried.
Some bastard had beaten my high-score with his balls.
I still came, but I didn't enjoy it.
Hey, Marie! Hey.
How are you doing? Good.
Have you still got those photos of that pet chimp of yours? Everyone says they're very amusing.
We were so drunk! We dressed him up in some of my clothes.
Wow.
That's funny.
He looks hilarious.
I'd love to meet this little fella.
Look at him there in those fishnets.
Is he winking at me or am I imagining that? That's how Aids got started, yeah That's how folks got Aids That's how Aids got started, y'all Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids Oh, yeah Aids.
So, Glasgow's got the Commonwealth Games.
Good to see Delhi setting the bar nice and low for us.
What a relief that is.
The Commonwealth, of course, was the old British Empire.
The Commonwealth Games was originally called the Empire Games.
Basically it started out as a huge slave race.
"William, I think my niggers are quicker than yours.
" It's ironic they start those races with a gunshot, cos that's how they used to finish.
We should stop all this boosterism for Scotland, man.
Just admit it's a shit place, it's a rubbish place.
There's a reason the Romans came across the world, conquer and civilise, and conquer and civilise, and conquer and civilise.
Got to Scotland and said, "Er, build a wall.
" How do you get a lassie from Dundee pregnant? Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work.
Have you been to a Scottish beach recently? Rubbish everywhere, shit all over the place, condoms.
It's like taking a holiday in Amy Winehouse's muff.
Winehouse looks filthy now, doesn't she? I reckon Aids is worried about catching her.
Apparently Pete Doherty's moving in with her.
They're going to share a flat.
It's like a sitcom, isn't it? I've thought of a few prospective sitcom titles for them.
Both Feet In The Grave.
Only Fool And Horse.
Or my favourite, Allo, Allo Allo? Can Either Of You Hear Me? Christ, Sarge, Call An Ambulance, This One Isn't Breathing.
Ever wondered how life will be hundreds of years from now? The McMenemy family agreed to spend a year of their life living in the year 2050.
Mr McMenemy doesn't have to go to work any more.
The office comes to him.
Leaving him more time for hobbies, like tennis.
And golf.
The McMenemy children will be educated at home by their own future selves.
Medication and philosophical advances will mean that we no longer experience negative emotions.
I haven't seen you in a while, Bill.
That's because you raped me, Fred.
Only because you raped me.
I'm going to do it again.
Oops, what's happened here? Looks like everyone's been shot dead on the doorstep for trying to go out without their identity hats.
Hey, you look like you dropped a few pounds.
You look great.
Thanks.
You must be feeling pretty good, right? No, not at all.
That's how people notice that they've got Aids, yeah That's how they notice that they've got Aids That's how people notice that they've got Aids, y'all Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids Aids.
Batman, you can't make her Robin! I'm still Robin, Batman! She's just a fucking impostor, Batman! I'm still the Boy Wonder! Batman, I can put my hand inside my own stomach! Aarrrggghhh! Just like a super power, Batman! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah Batman, that's our tune, baby.
Come on, one, two, three # Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah I think it's important for women, don't let men tell you what's sexy because men don't know, do they? Belly-button piercings aren't sexy, men just think they are because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag.
Stuff men say, "I don't like it when women wear their big period "knickers.
Big, grey knickers when they've got their period".
You want them to wear sexy knickers when they've got their period? That'd be like hanging bunting in an abattoir! While we're at it, for crotchless knickers you really need the right sort of the vagina.
The wrong sort of vagina in crotchless knickers looks like a cannibal's Christmas decoration.
Let's get rid of Brazilians as well, what was wrong with those big 1970s hairy bushes? Women who looked like they were giving birth to Emmanuel Adebayor? The tragedy of male sexuality is that we should be attracted to strong, confident women that make us happier and instead we know that broken, disillusioned women are going to be dirtier in bed.
If you go out on a first date with someone and they go, "I had a great relationship with my dad," inside you're going, "Damn!" "My stepfather, on the other hand" Back in the game! If you get a date with Elisabeth Fritzl, you're fucking that night.
You could spice it up by in the middle going, "Who's your daddy?" Remember Benny Hill getting chased about? Everything sounds a lot funnier with the Benny Hill music, doesn't it? He could've got away with a lot more heinous shit.
Can I give you a hand? Waiting for the bus? No! It's this way.
It's no trouble at all.
OK, bye-bye! You looking for your missus? She's on the bus.
There you go.
Begging your pardon, mate.
Nice tatt WOMAN GROANS WOMAN GRUNTS Fuck! Fuck! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! HE ROARS WOMAN SCREAMS SCREAMING Just taking No, don't! Man, I hate the way the boys are always touring with the band.
I hear you, sister.
Who wrote this dialogue? Was it two white guys or something? I think they're trying to do our voices.
(MALE VOICE) Fo' sure.
(MALE VOICE) Yeah, man.
(FEMALE VOICE) Anyway, they're on the road so much, it's like we might as well not be married.
We might as well be on the game, at least we'd get laid some time.
In fact, you've got a point.
We're all still looking good, maybe we could make a few dollars! That's how we got AIDS, yeah That's how we got AIDS Oh, God, that's how we got her AIDS, y'all AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS Oh, yeah, AIDS.
And that is how I would slaughter you all individually.
Now, what did we learn from tonight's episode? We learned that steak and cheese in a black woman's ass is called an ass taco.
I realise I may have offended some people with that line, but to be honest with you, salad just won't do, it has to be steak every time.
You know I see it, what goes round comes round, and later that day, my wife gave me chlamydia.
But you know, in the future, people will watch this show and say to themselves (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Well, good afternoon everybody.
Today's talk is on Muslim fundamentalism and I'm proud to welcome a very special guest speaker, my coffee mug.
OK, thanks, Ian.
Do you mind if I smoke? No? OK.
Now I know a lot of you kids are thinking, "What the freak "does a coffee mug know about fundamentalist Islam?" Well, I spent three years working undercover in a training camp in the Pashtun mountains.
I know they're Muslim, but technically what Hamad was doing was gay.
Initially I was sent in undercover as a Cat Stevens mug which shows you how out of date our intelligence was.
Al-Qaeda hate Cat Stevens.
They also hate Usher, but that is a long fucking story.
Cover is key.
I got a lot of collars in the '80s selling crack in LA as a Bill Cosby mug.
I got snuck out and came back in as an Orb mug.
They whole fucking Muslim world loves the Orb.
Al Jazeera is only about 50 minutes a day of actual news, the rest of it is just Orb promos.
Even the news is presented by the guys from the Orb, speaking at 70 words a minute.
People had so few possessions in that camp that by the end, I'd been given to everybody there as a birthday present.
Which surprised me because Muslims don't have birthdays, or drink coffee.
Al-Qaeda hates sexually arousing images, so they spent pretty much every night in camp watching British pornography.
Jesus, you can see why Jack the Ripper killed those British bitches.
He'd probably forked out for sex and then taken them somewhere with enough light to make out their faces.
It would have been easier to get an erection sharing an ice bath with my mother.
Good one, mug! Of course, I knew the dangers.
We all know what can happen if your cover gets compromised.
Ah, Sadie.
Between her crack and my cock, we had a crock of gold.
Ian, hey, how's your acid and sleep deprivation experiment going? Say, is this going to take long? Relax.
Really, the consultant won't be long now.
He really is one of our best doctors.
Cool.
It'll hardly take any time at all.
And then we'll blank your mind so thoroughly, you won't even know who you are and we'll put you straight back into your car.
OK.
SCREAMING Poppers? Don't be a pussy, one in the mouth.
That's how everybody in the universe died from AIDS Everybody in the universe died from AIDS That's how everybody in the universe died from AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS Oh, yeah, AIDS.
Well, there she goes with a brand new love affair Dancing with him like she don't even care Well, let her dance Let her dance all night long Dance, let her dance Let her dance, dance, dance Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance, dance, dance Well, who would've known that just yesterday Red Bee Media Ltd
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! How are you doing? What do you do? I work as a PA in Tunnock's.
You work as a PA in Tunnock's? The teacake manufacturers? They have a lot of important meetings to be scheduled, do they? "Oh, it's the people who bring the foam.
" What sort of meetings have they had this week at Tunnock's? We're on strike! You're on strike? Fantastic! We should have more strikes in this country.
I like those French workers that kidnapped their boss in an adhesive factory.
They didn't even use adhesive to keep him there, the dozy bastards.
They tied him up! It's like having a job in a mortuary and going home to make love to your wife.
How are you doing, man? Not everyone can get away with lilac in Glasgow.
How are you doing? What do you do? Sales.
What are you selling? Sell it to me.
Food.
Food? That's how the recession's gone, people have got kind of basic all of a sudden, have they? "Hey, do you want to buy some food?" What sort of food are you selling, man? We might be interested.
Youdon't know? If you don't know, we're both fucked, right? You've got to know.
What is it? Anything.
Everything.
Everything? What are you selling? Who do you sell it to? Anybody in the shop.
This isn't really what you do.
You're lying to me, aren't you? What is it with this elaborate cover story, pal? Are you Jon Venables? We've got David Cameron as Prime Minister now, a wet-lipped buffoon who looks like he should be playing a trombone in a fucking Lurpak advert.
Nobody voted for this cuts agenda, did they? You'll have gone into a school on election day, cast your vote, you'll get punished for that decision for another four years.
You'd have got a shorter sentence if you'd gone into the same school and beaten a kid over the head with a fucking dumbbell.
They sacked that guy, can you believe that? You can't hold a kid down and beat him in the head with a dumbbell shouting, "Die, die, die!" any more.
It's political correctness gone mad.
Nick Clegg now has power, a guy who looks like he shouts out "Sorry" when he comes.
He's like the sort of guy who'd leave a stag party early cos he didn't want to miss Holby City.
He's worried about the recession? I like the new advert for the Halifax.
It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.
There's a scheme now to fast-track bankers out of work into teaching.
What sort of teacher will a banker make? "OK, I have no apples, and you have 40 apples.
"Give me all the apples.
" Hello, Robin, welcome to your nine-month work appraisal.
There's the question of the time Ifound you beating a prostitute in the Batmobile.
What were you hoping to get out of her? Value for money! I've been helping you spread fear in the community.
I told everybody you got Aids.
Some days I think you send somebody else in to work for you.
What, man? Come on, can't a guy get fat and black twice a week any more? Don't ask me about any shit, Batman, I lost my memory.
In the questionnaire I asked you to fill out, you said the moment that gave you most satisfaction was the time you used stolen technology to swap bodies with The Joker and achieve your long-time ambition of fucking yourself.
He ain't smiling any more, baby! There's the question of your fighting performance.
I just get into the spirit of it.
Kapow, kapow, kapow, kapow! Kapow! Kapow! Kablam, baby, kablam! Kapow! If I had to summarise your fighting style, I'd say you turn uplate, don't know what's going on, and kill everybody.
Of course I act out, fatherfucker.
You're using me as a human target! You go out, dressed in a black bullet-proof vest.
All I've got to wear is these little green panties.
Look what happened to all the other Robins.
I'm 34 years old, Batman, and I'm your ward.
What the fuck is a ward?! Fuck me or let me go! Fuck me or let me go, Batman! That one at the end, that's for me, right? No, that's where I imprison you during heroin withdrawal.
There's the question of improper use of a utility belt.
If I'm hanging upside down overa shark tank and I ask for help, I do not expect you to throw me poppers.
But I got us out of there! You know how? Because it may have nothing insideit but pornography, but the belt itself is made from pure PCP! I'm outta here, on my invisible motorcycle! There'd better not be any crime on the moon, cocksuckers! Call this PCP? This is some weak-ass shit! A lot of people think that movie piracy is like necrophilia, a victimless crime.
I watched that scene in The Accused the other night where Jodie Foster gets gang-raped on a pinball table, and I cried.
Some bastard had beaten my high-score with his balls.
I still came, but I didn't enjoy it.
Hey, Marie! Hey.
How are you doing? Good.
Have you still got those photos of that pet chimp of yours? Everyone says they're very amusing.
We were so drunk! We dressed him up in some of my clothes.
Wow.
That's funny.
He looks hilarious.
I'd love to meet this little fella.
Look at him there in those fishnets.
Is he winking at me or am I imagining that? That's how Aids got started, yeah That's how folks got Aids That's how Aids got started, y'all Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids Oh, yeah Aids.
So, Glasgow's got the Commonwealth Games.
Good to see Delhi setting the bar nice and low for us.
What a relief that is.
The Commonwealth, of course, was the old British Empire.
The Commonwealth Games was originally called the Empire Games.
Basically it started out as a huge slave race.
"William, I think my niggers are quicker than yours.
" It's ironic they start those races with a gunshot, cos that's how they used to finish.
We should stop all this boosterism for Scotland, man.
Just admit it's a shit place, it's a rubbish place.
There's a reason the Romans came across the world, conquer and civilise, and conquer and civilise, and conquer and civilise.
Got to Scotland and said, "Er, build a wall.
" How do you get a lassie from Dundee pregnant? Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work.
Have you been to a Scottish beach recently? Rubbish everywhere, shit all over the place, condoms.
It's like taking a holiday in Amy Winehouse's muff.
Winehouse looks filthy now, doesn't she? I reckon Aids is worried about catching her.
Apparently Pete Doherty's moving in with her.
They're going to share a flat.
It's like a sitcom, isn't it? I've thought of a few prospective sitcom titles for them.
Both Feet In The Grave.
Only Fool And Horse.
Or my favourite, Allo, Allo Allo? Can Either Of You Hear Me? Christ, Sarge, Call An Ambulance, This One Isn't Breathing.
Ever wondered how life will be hundreds of years from now? The McMenemy family agreed to spend a year of their life living in the year 2050.
Mr McMenemy doesn't have to go to work any more.
The office comes to him.
Leaving him more time for hobbies, like tennis.
And golf.
The McMenemy children will be educated at home by their own future selves.
Medication and philosophical advances will mean that we no longer experience negative emotions.
I haven't seen you in a while, Bill.
That's because you raped me, Fred.
Only because you raped me.
I'm going to do it again.
Oops, what's happened here? Looks like everyone's been shot dead on the doorstep for trying to go out without their identity hats.
Hey, you look like you dropped a few pounds.
You look great.
Thanks.
You must be feeling pretty good, right? No, not at all.
That's how people notice that they've got Aids, yeah That's how they notice that they've got Aids That's how people notice that they've got Aids, y'all Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids, Aids Aids.
Batman, you can't make her Robin! I'm still Robin, Batman! She's just a fucking impostor, Batman! I'm still the Boy Wonder! Batman, I can put my hand inside my own stomach! Aarrrggghhh! Just like a super power, Batman! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah Batman, that's our tune, baby.
Come on, one, two, three # Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah I think it's important for women, don't let men tell you what's sexy because men don't know, do they? Belly-button piercings aren't sexy, men just think they are because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag.
Stuff men say, "I don't like it when women wear their big period "knickers.
Big, grey knickers when they've got their period".
You want them to wear sexy knickers when they've got their period? That'd be like hanging bunting in an abattoir! While we're at it, for crotchless knickers you really need the right sort of the vagina.
The wrong sort of vagina in crotchless knickers looks like a cannibal's Christmas decoration.
Let's get rid of Brazilians as well, what was wrong with those big 1970s hairy bushes? Women who looked like they were giving birth to Emmanuel Adebayor? The tragedy of male sexuality is that we should be attracted to strong, confident women that make us happier and instead we know that broken, disillusioned women are going to be dirtier in bed.
If you go out on a first date with someone and they go, "I had a great relationship with my dad," inside you're going, "Damn!" "My stepfather, on the other hand" Back in the game! If you get a date with Elisabeth Fritzl, you're fucking that night.
You could spice it up by in the middle going, "Who's your daddy?" Remember Benny Hill getting chased about? Everything sounds a lot funnier with the Benny Hill music, doesn't it? He could've got away with a lot more heinous shit.
Can I give you a hand? Waiting for the bus? No! It's this way.
It's no trouble at all.
OK, bye-bye! You looking for your missus? She's on the bus.
There you go.
Begging your pardon, mate.
Nice tatt WOMAN GROANS WOMAN GRUNTS Fuck! Fuck! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! HE ROARS WOMAN SCREAMS SCREAMING Just taking No, don't! Man, I hate the way the boys are always touring with the band.
I hear you, sister.
Who wrote this dialogue? Was it two white guys or something? I think they're trying to do our voices.
(MALE VOICE) Fo' sure.
(MALE VOICE) Yeah, man.
(FEMALE VOICE) Anyway, they're on the road so much, it's like we might as well not be married.
We might as well be on the game, at least we'd get laid some time.
In fact, you've got a point.
We're all still looking good, maybe we could make a few dollars! That's how we got AIDS, yeah That's how we got AIDS Oh, God, that's how we got her AIDS, y'all AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS Oh, yeah, AIDS.
And that is how I would slaughter you all individually.
Now, what did we learn from tonight's episode? We learned that steak and cheese in a black woman's ass is called an ass taco.
I realise I may have offended some people with that line, but to be honest with you, salad just won't do, it has to be steak every time.
You know I see it, what goes round comes round, and later that day, my wife gave me chlamydia.
But you know, in the future, people will watch this show and say to themselves (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Well, good afternoon everybody.
Today's talk is on Muslim fundamentalism and I'm proud to welcome a very special guest speaker, my coffee mug.
OK, thanks, Ian.
Do you mind if I smoke? No? OK.
Now I know a lot of you kids are thinking, "What the freak "does a coffee mug know about fundamentalist Islam?" Well, I spent three years working undercover in a training camp in the Pashtun mountains.
I know they're Muslim, but technically what Hamad was doing was gay.
Initially I was sent in undercover as a Cat Stevens mug which shows you how out of date our intelligence was.
Al-Qaeda hate Cat Stevens.
They also hate Usher, but that is a long fucking story.
Cover is key.
I got a lot of collars in the '80s selling crack in LA as a Bill Cosby mug.
I got snuck out and came back in as an Orb mug.
They whole fucking Muslim world loves the Orb.
Al Jazeera is only about 50 minutes a day of actual news, the rest of it is just Orb promos.
Even the news is presented by the guys from the Orb, speaking at 70 words a minute.
People had so few possessions in that camp that by the end, I'd been given to everybody there as a birthday present.
Which surprised me because Muslims don't have birthdays, or drink coffee.
Al-Qaeda hates sexually arousing images, so they spent pretty much every night in camp watching British pornography.
Jesus, you can see why Jack the Ripper killed those British bitches.
He'd probably forked out for sex and then taken them somewhere with enough light to make out their faces.
It would have been easier to get an erection sharing an ice bath with my mother.
Good one, mug! Of course, I knew the dangers.
We all know what can happen if your cover gets compromised.
Ah, Sadie.
Between her crack and my cock, we had a crock of gold.
Ian, hey, how's your acid and sleep deprivation experiment going? Say, is this going to take long? Relax.
Really, the consultant won't be long now.
He really is one of our best doctors.
Cool.
It'll hardly take any time at all.
And then we'll blank your mind so thoroughly, you won't even know who you are and we'll put you straight back into your car.
OK.
SCREAMING Poppers? Don't be a pussy, one in the mouth.
That's how everybody in the universe died from AIDS Everybody in the universe died from AIDS That's how everybody in the universe died from AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS Oh, yeah, AIDS.
Well, there she goes with a brand new love affair Dancing with him like she don't even care Well, let her dance Let her dance all night long Dance, let her dance Let her dance, dance, dance Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance, dance, dance Well, who would've known that just yesterday Red Bee Media Ltd