Frasier (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Hey. Are you two free on Saturday?
Well, I am, and I think Olivia is, too,
so, yes, we're free.
Free, free as birds.
Totally unencumbered
by schedule or any formal duty.
Oh, great.
- Idiot.
- Hmm?
Now she's gonna want
a ride to the airport
or help painting her apartment.
Oh, God, I just hope it isn't
- I'm in a play.
- [GASPS] Oh!
Yeah. I'm so glad you guys can come.
You sure you don't need
a ride to the airport?
It might be fun.
What's the play about, Eve?
Still figuring it out.
You hear that, Alan?
They're still figuring it out.
It's a very, very complicated
murder mystery
that my friend Kiki wrote.
It almost works.
- Ah.
- Hmm.
I play the lead.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Detective Erin Murderfinder.
- Mm.
- Mm.
While most murder mysteries
rely on intricate clues
that lead the audience
to a satisfying ending,
ours comes out of nowhere.
And we don't technically
solve the murder.
It's not a good play.
And will Freddy and Frasier
at least be there?
No. [LAUGHS] No.
No, they've done so much for me.
I-I can't put them through that.
Can't wait for Saturday.
If I kill you now,
I could be in jail by Saturday.
Sounds like a plan.
Get me out of it as well.
[LAUGHING]
Wow, you two are in a good mood.
Well, it's hard not to be.
I'm spending time with my son,
colleagues and friends.
For the first time in my life,
I can say that
Frasier Crane wants for nothing.
Aw, that's too bad.
I had somebody in mind that
I wanted to set you up with.
I can be ready in five minutes.
Good for you, Frasier.
Always admired your
dewy-eyed optimism, you know.
Even though love's been
punching you in the face
for the last, what, three decades.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I think that's
- not a fair characterization
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, we're very proud of you.
Really, the way you've lurched
from one failed marriage to another.
I mean, I've lost count.
It must be, what, three?
- Two, technically.
- Thank you, Freddy.
Yeah, the third one he just
got left at the altar, so
I admit I may have had several
rough patches in the past,
I may have had a tendency
to get in my own way,
but that's all behind me now.
Just hope there's
enough time left for me to
still find true love.
Aw, come on, Dad,
just giving you a hard time.
You're still a young man.
You're-you're a catch.
Any woman would be lucky to have you.
You know, Professor Salazar
in the linguistics department
has her eye on you.
Isn't she the one
who had three husbands die
under mysterious circumstances?
No. No, no, no. The third one
hasn't been found yet.
He's only presumed dead.
You know, she's awfully good looking.
- Dad.
- All right, I'm sorry.
It's been a while.
Don't worry, I am a great matchmaker.
Uh, Dad, a quick word of
warning, if Eve does set you up,
she doesn't have the best track record.
What are you talking about?
The last woman
you set me up with was a dud.
She won an Olympic medal.
Bronze. [SCOFFS]
If you even call that winning.
[LAUGHS] Bronze.
The Dartmouth of medals.
Okay, this is not on me, Freddy,
this is on you.
Every time Freddy gets set up on a date,
he ends up talking himself out of it
once he learns anything about them.
You know, Frederick,
I hate to diagnose you
You know that's not true.
My point is, perhaps
you're having trouble
connecting with people
because you have a fear
of emotional vulnerability.
- Well, that's possible.
- Yes, I mean,
after all, you are a terrific young man.
Any woman's dream come true.
Couldn't agree more.
I prefer a bit more meat
on the bones, but
Guys, I'm not afraid of being
emotionally vulnerable.
Prove it. I know somebody
who's perfect for you.
Okay, what's her name?
Mm-mm. No.
You don't get any information.
I'm not giving you the chance
to talk yourself out of it.
It's a true blind date.
Gosh, I
I love that.
The only thing you know for sure
is that this-this could be
your soulmate.
Yes, please, Eve,
I'd like the same treatment.
No information.
Great. Okay. I'll set you both up.
This is gonna be so fun.
And what about me, Eve?
Any nibbles for old Alan?
My type's a sort of
strict, disappointed schoolmarm.
I will keep an eye out.
Do. And if you see her,
just let her know that Alan's
been a very cheeky boy.
[DONIZETTI'S LUCIA DI LAMMERMOOR
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[KNOCKING]
Hello. You must be Eve's friend.
I am. June Patrick.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
June. Here, let me take your coat.
You know, a much smarter man
than I once wrote,
"Spring being a tough act to follow,
God created June."
I bet you say that to all the Junes.
And the occasional May.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I'm Frasier Crane. How do you do?
I'm good, thanks.
Come on, I know who you are.
[GASPS] Are these
Christian Lacroix pillows?
Indeed they are.
Bit early in the evening
for pillow talk, though, isn't it?
And the music
Lucia di Lammermoor by Donizetti?
Tell me I'm good.
You are very good.
[CHUCKLING]
May I get you a glass of wine?
Yeah, sure, crack open a box.
I'm kidding. I don't really
think you buy boxed wine.
Your Steinway has its own alcove.
You get me. [CHUCKLES]
I'm rich.
Oh, hi.
I'm Freddy, you must be Eve's friend.
I am. June.
Hi. S-Sorry to barge in like this.
Uh, went to extra innings,
I expected to be back earlier.
I hope you won. I don't talk to losers.
Oh, we won. Trust me.
Despite my four errors.
- You a baseball fan?
- Are you kidding?
There's nothing better
than going to a Sox game
full of hope and joy,
getting emotionally wrecked
for nine innings,
and then drowning my sorrows
over at Yancy's.
- On Blaine Street.
- Yes.
Did you ever get the number six?
- It's disgusting.
- Disgusting.
- That cheap American cheese.
- Four kinds of salami.
- There's way too much mayo.
- Grease for days.
I love it so much.
It's the only time I'm truly happy.
I'm just gonna drop this off.
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Oh, thanks, but your dad's getting it.
Ah. Of course he is.
Fancy music playing, wine's flowing.
Tell you something, Frasier
Crane is quite the entertainer.
June is busting out all over. ♪
You must get that all the time.
Oh, yeah. Construction guys
constantly screaming that at me.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm cooking an ossobuco tonight.
I thought a Montepulciano
might be the perfect pairing.
It's a bit, uh, clichéd, I think, maybe?
Sounds like a perfect match.
Well, hopefully it's not the
only perfect match this evening.
I'll be right back.
So what do we think?
[SIGHS] I worry it's too chic.
Good eye.
It's fresh in from Paris,
they're calling it a "shirt."
Ah.
See my dad got you that wine,
I'm pretty sure I also
heard show tunes, so
I'm just gonna go see
what his plans are.
Oh, uh, how does Italian sound?
It-a sounds-a like-a this-a.
God, I am so sorry, that was awful.
No, that's okay. Remember,
I had four errors tonight.
That was just your first.
I deserve that.
Could you grab me a glass of water?
Sure.
Did you say something?
Oh, just that I'd love a glass of water.
Ah. Of course. But a moment.
All right, here you go.
- Oh.
- Tap okay?
Yeah. I'm not some fancy pants
who needs sparkling.
[FREDDY CHUCKLES]
Sparkling water for a sparkling lady.
How did you do that?
Freddy got it for me.
He just ducked into the kitchen.
Oh, well, I'll just go say hello.
You said my dad was in there?
Yeah, he just went in.
Ah. [CHUCKLES]
All right, what the hell is going on?
Freddy?
You're here.
Uh, this is a little bit
awkward I have plans.
Oh, yeah, no, same.
The girl Eve set me up with is here
and she's incredible.
- Your date's tonight?
- Yeah.
So is mine.
And I must say, we are clicking
like a couple of frisky cicadas.
Nice, Dad. Yeah, so are we.
Oh, the Crane Boys has got it going on!
Oh Sorry, uh
[CHUCKLES] Sorry, I'm
I'm actually staying in tonight
because I'm-I'm cooking
an Italian classic.
Oh, yeah, no, th-that's fine.
And also kind of funny
we're headed out for Italian.
Yes, that is funny.
Well, where's your date?
Oh, she's on the couch having
a glass of wine. Where's yours?
On the couch, having a glass of wine.
I can't wait for Italian.
Seems to be a little bit
of a misunderstanding.
Sure does.
Where are you planning on
waiting for your date
upstairs, in your bedroom?
What?
Are you out of your mind?
June is clearly my date.
Don't you think she's
just a bit refined for you?
Uh, no.
Don't you think you're
a little too refined for her?
All right, there's one way
to figure this out.
Let's just call Eve and ask her.
Yeah, okay.
[BRITISH ACCENT]: Well, well, well.
Quite the sticky wicket
we've found ourselves in, innit?
The only bloke with an airtight alibi
is the butler.
[THUDDING]
Oh, sorry, I forgot. I cut act two.
Oh, this play is so unrealistic.
Why isn't that butler wearing gloves?
I wish I had a knife in my back.
She didn't pick up.
God, why would Eve set us both up
on blind dates on the same night?
Maybe she assumed we were smart enough
to figure it out for ourselves.
This is just getting silly.
I'm gonna go ask June
who she's here for.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're in too deep for that.
It'll be obvious we both thought
we were on a date with her.
Which is weird.
Good point.
You go from charming father
offering a drink to his son's date
to deviant lothario trying
to steal his son's date.
I'm not in love with that coloring.
Look, we're both
waiting for dates. Right?
So the other date should
be here any minute,
at which point it should be
obvious which date is for which.
"Whose date is for whom."
Seriously?
Frederick, a stressful situation
does not warrant
a loosening on the reins of grammar.
The fact that you're still
single boggles the mind.
We're both intelligent men.
I'm sure we can solve this puzzle.
Right, let's just go talk to June,
and I'm sure she'll give us some clues
as to who Eve set her up with.
- "Figure out with whom"
- Stop it.
Sorry, just responding to a friend.
"Date is going well so far.
Having a lot of fun with F-R"
Oh, it auto-filled.
By the way, I was just
admiring this piece.
Oh, yes, that's one of my favorites,
it's David Cronin.
I studied art history at Columbia.
Philosophy didn't seem useless enough.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, so, a fellow Ivy Leaguer.
Seems you and I
have quite a bit in common.
Oh. How fun.
I was actually recruited
to play softball,
although most of the pitchers I faced
were filled with Heineken.
Ah, so you could say
you were more interested
in sports and beer.
Feels like we have even more in common.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, if you like
the Cronin so much,
why don't you check out the piece
on that easel there by the piano?
All right, Frederick, Frederick,
sit down next to me.
All right.
Whoever she sits next to
is the one she likes.
That's pretty smart.
Remind me, did you go
to an Ivy League school?
It came up naturally.
June, why don't you come and join us?
Uh, we were just discussing, um
Uh, celebrity crushes.
Yeah, is-is there a kind of guy
you tend to lean towards?
Ah Well, I love Liam Hemsworth.
He's got that cute,
- boyish thing going on, you know?
- FREDDY: Mm-hmm.
But you can't go wrong with
a Kevin Costner type either.
June, uh, why don't you
come sit down?
[FREDDY CLEARS THROAT]
Oh. [CHUCKLING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
- That's cozy, isn't it? That's
- Yeah.
- Now I'm gonna check on dinner.
- I forgot my wine.
Seriously? You think you're Costner?
More realistic than you
fancying yourself a Hemsworth.
I've seen your calendar, Mr. July.
It's the closest you'll ever
get to disrobing near a June.
I got to say, I have no idea
what the hell's going on out there.
Yes, I feel the same way. It's like I'm
nine years old again, reading
Kafka for the first time.
How do we not know who she's here for?
Oh, we know.
- Excuse me?
- By your own admission,
you are not emotionally available
and June is just like me
she wears her heart on her sleeve.
[LAUGHS]: Dad, come on.
I mean, June is-is fantastic
and you're
well
also fantastic,
just a slightly more advanced category
of fantastic.
So that's how you see me, then?
My glory days behind me,
a retired show pony milling about,
chewing cud in a pasture,
one broken leg away from the cold shock
of the farmer's shotgun?
See? You get it.
So, do you guys hang out a lot together?
Probably more than we should.
Which I love. I
June, I-I kind of pride myself on
connecting, emotionally, with people.
My dad and I couldn't be closer.
Right, Dad? Hey, Dad?
Love you.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Almost saccharine.
So what do you guys do for fun?
Laser tag.
Wow.
Really?
You know, I like to keep active.
You know, good for the soul,
good for the body.
Keeps me full of vim and vigor.
Vim and vigor.
Picking up that
old laser tag lingo, huh?
[KNOCKING]
You guys expecting company?
One of us is.
Frederick, will you join me?
Now, we both know
the woman behind this door
is clearly here for me
or clearly here for you,
and I think we both know who it is.
I'm looking for Frasier.
I'm Ida. Eve said you've got
just what I need?
Yes, Ida, please, uh,
come in, won't you?
Uh, will you excuse us
for just a second?
All right, but be quick.
I'm not gonna live forever.
Oh, dear God.
Who do you think she's here for?
This must be some kind of a mistake.
I mean, for God's sake,
she's old enough to be my
Sister?
How dare you?
Oh, come on, Pops.
Imagine how refined she is.
But I should go, I don't want
- to keep my date waiting.
- Mm-hmm.
Ida, come join me
in the kitchen, will you?
Oh.
Now, what can I get you, dear?
Milk. And while we're young.
Milk, in-in a wine glass?
What?
Why the heck would the baby
drink milk in a wine glass?
The baby.
Keep up!
He's almost done with his nap.
He needs milk, but Eve's out.
She said you'd have some.
Right, right, of course, here we are.
- Off you go.
- [GROANING]
I don't need I don't need
this much. It's just a baby.
It's fine, it's fine, you keep
it. Take as much as you like.
- Here we are. And off you go.
- I know. I understand. Oh!
Oh!
That was Eve's babysitter.
Baby needed some milk.
Eve's babysitter.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Ida.
We met, like, a month ago
when Eve hired her.
Did I not mention that?
Where is your powder room?
I have a bet with a friend
over whether this place has a bidet.
[CHUCKLING]
Who doesn't have a bidet?
- This is insanity.
- Yeah.
A great woman shows up
and suddenly we're acting like idiots?
This petty one-upmanship
is beneath us, Dad.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We should call a truce.
Yes, yes, yes, perhaps you're right.
Makes sense. First
sensible thing you've said.
Yeah.
- Oh!
- Oh, Dad, your dinner!
Saboteur!
My friend set me up with this
firefighter, and he's great.
But his dad is here,
and, weirdly, I think I'm more into him.
I know.
Yes, they have a bidet.
That was a low blow, Frederick.
My ossobuco's not the only thing
that's gone from a simmer to a boil.
Yeah, well, it's okay, Dad, 'cause
I just heard June on the phone and,
while she was here
to go on a date with me,
she prefers you.
What is wrong with me?
Maybe Eve was right.
Maybe I am the problem.
No, you can't believe that, right?
I don't know.
Perhaps June can sniff out
the commitment issues.
Well, you're committed to your job.
You're committed to Eve and to John.
You're committed
to rebuilding our relationship.
You're not emotionally
unavailable, you're emotionally
specific about what you're looking for.
I assume you mean "emotionally specific
about that for which
I'm looking," but
You're right, that is obnoxious.
I'm gonna step aside.
From what I can tell, you
and June'll be great together.
Thank you.
You know, I've
been getting in my own way for so long,
seems the stars
are finally aligned for me.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [KNOCKING]
Think your date's here.
Oh, you think you're so funny, stars.
Okay, how can I help?
Ooh, wait, don't tell me.
Uh, I'll pretend
to be your personal chef
and set up one dinner out on the balcony
and another in here,
and you can run back and forth
having two dates at once or something.
No. Uh No.
You know, there was a time when
I would have maybe No, no.
I-I've lost enough women
doing that sort of silly thing.
I'll just go out there
and tell this young woman,
whoever she is,
that, uh, it's not going
to work out between us.
Thank you.
Just a moment. [CHUCKLES]
Frasier, hi, I'm Siobhan, Eve's friend.
Siobhan. Hi.
Uh, do I smell ossobuco?
Oh, takes me back to my time in Milan.
Milan? Uh, what took you there?
I was performing at La Scala.
I'm an opera singer.
Is that so?
By the way, I hope you don't
mind, I brought sherry.
You know
why don't we just have this chat
out in the hall here?
Freddy, your personal chef idea
do you think maybe we moved
away from that too quickly?
What?
Well, Siobhan could be the one.
- Wh-Who's Siobhan?
- My date.
- What about June?
- June was meant for you.
Eve clearly saw a connection
between me and Siobhan,
and we should respect that.
Are you kidding me?
You're doing this again?
See, this is your problem.
Okay, it's not that love
has passed you by at all.
You got a fantastic woman out
there who's interested in you,
but you keep getting in your own way.
Y-You know what you are?
You're your own saboteur.
Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.
Tell you what.
You take June out for dinner
and I'll, I'll buy you a
big-screen TV for your bedroom.
What's going on here?
[WHISPERING]: Don't worry, Freddy,
I can still pull this off.
Were you just bribing him
to take me out?
Put on the hat. Put on the hat.
Dad, I'm not putting on the hat.
He wasn't bribing me 'cause
I'm not interested in you,
it's just that you and my dad
were obviously hitting it off.
W-Wait, so you were into June
before I showed up?
A date was literally coming for you,
and you couldn't wait until I arrived?
To be fair, you were a bit tardy.
Siobhan, you want to go grab a drink?
I would love one.
Wait! Wait! Please.
I know you're both upset,
and I've behaved
boorishly, like a real cad.
I-I I would like to apologize to you.
But there's one thing
I have to clear up.
You both wanted me?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Still got it.
["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
[CHUCKLES]
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Boston, we love you!