Friends from College (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

Pearl, finish your cereal and get these shoes - Look out! - What the - Honey, what is this? Turn it off.
- [Jon.]
I'm watching that.
The dogs love this drone! What are you wearing this weekend? Dashiell, get your shoes on.
It's black tie optional but just wear a suit.
What wedding? Rich Colgan, my friend from college.
I can't.
It's parents weekend at Groton.
If I don't go, Linda will have a shit fit.
- Daddy, bad words! - I know.
I wish you would have told me earlier.
I was looking forward to going together, you know? - [Pearl.]
Mommy, I can go.
- You cannot go.
We were having a nice weekend.
None of this.
I know.
I'll make it up to you at your party.
Or after your party.
Crash landing! It's all yours, pal.
Look at that thing burn.
That's exciting.
- [Jon.]
Got to go to work.
I'm late.
- We have to go to school.
- Tag is the coolest person we know.
- Absolutely.
- That's a 60-foot wave.
- I can't stop watching this.
When he gets here, don't man-pressure him so hard, okay? Just be cool.
- Because when you're uncool, I'm uncool.
- What? [Ethan.]
Tag! It's good to see you, bro! No, it's just awesome, man! - [Tag.]
Oh yeah.
- How was your flight? - Wow! - It was great.
Massive turbulence.
- It was awesome.
I was in Tahiti.
- Love Tahiti! - Have you been? - No.
- Marianne, you look banging.
- Thanks! You know, this guy comes here a couple of times a year, the least I can do is put on a little makeup.
I'd come a lot more, but with her packed schedule, it's tough.
We make it work.
[Ethan.]
That's so sweet.
It's good.
Oh, that's Hey, guys, are you going to Rich's wedding on Saturday? We're going to a wedding? I love weddings! - Well, I didn't RSVP, but yes.
- Yes! Marianne, you have to RSVP.
That is how weddings work.
I didn't RSVP to your guys' wedding.
It was cool.
But I am so excited! And this is going to be a good one.
The only thing better than a wedding is a second wedding.
It's going to be a train wreck.
- Why do you make that assumption? - Look at the bride! - She looks sweet.
- She has a stupid face.
She can't help her face.
And who are we to judge? This is what I do.
I am Judge Lisa.
It's like Judge Judy but I'm living on someone's couch.
- You know who else is gonna be there? - Who? - I've heard Fun Ethan's gonna be there.
- No! - Yeah.
- Who's Fun Ethan? This motherfucker right here.
Fun Ethan! [chanting.]
Fun Ethan! Judge Lisa! Fun Ethan! Judge Lisa! And Fun Ethan! Y'all ready for this? [Ethan passes wind.]
No-one wants that.
Wanna see my bedroom since I redid the bedroom? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You fully farted.
[Tag.]
Hey! - Maxibon! - How are you? - How are you, mate? - That's me! Yeah, good.
I just want you to know Fun Ethan is in the house tonight.
Fun Ethan is here! - Get prepared.
- [Nick.]
I like this guy! I wish this guy was on the wine tour.
Yeah, you would've left him for dead in the vineyard.
- I'm sorry.
Was that too far? - I'm totally fine.
Felix and I were on the road to breaking up for a long time.
And I might meet someone tonight.
How about that? - Yeah.
- How about that, Felix? Take that, Felix! Take that! - Hi, guys.
- Hey! Sexy lady! Thank you! My husband is in an adjoining room with his ex-wife.
So that's great.
Fun Ethan is here.
Fun Ethan actually farted a little earlier.
- Should we - Go in? Yes, let's get in this bitch.
- So what's up? - I haven't heard from you in a while.
Yeah, that's because Fun Ethan can't be scheduled, you know what I'm saying? [Ethan makes tuneful noises.]
Look at this place.
Jeez.
- [Max.]
18.
- [Lisa.]
18.
- 18.
- 18! No, Marianne, you're not 18 because you didn't RSVP, so you're actually not on our table, or any table, I don't think.
Is that Paul Dobkin? - Yeah.
Wow.
I haven't seen him in forever.
- Who is Paul Dobkin? - Sam's ex-boyfriend from college.
- Please, her ex? They only hooked up three times junior year.
Wow.
Interesting what sticks with us in life.
It just popped in there, like Anyway Anyway, I wonder what he's up to these days.
He's an ER trauma surgeon.
Really? Wow.
How do you know that? Are you a secret stalker? He operated on my finger.
And he did a magnificent job.
That finger is bang on.
Wasn't Paul's nickname in college "Party Dog"? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hold on, that's Party Dog? - [Lisa.]
Yeah.
That dog was fun.
[loudly.]
But not more fun than Fun Ethan because this party's gonna be off the hook! - Oh, my God! Oh, sir.
- Hey.
So you guys still travel in a pack? [laughter.]
Party Dog! Using the dog metaphors! No-one has called me Party Dog for years.
Is that human years or dog years? [yells.]
Now it's a party! I actually, I don't really like being called Party Dog anymore at all.
I don't party.
I'm sober now.
So [Nick.]
Got it.
- Sorry.
- No problem.
- I apologize on behalf of these idiots.
- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you so much.
- This is so weird.
This is a new coat.
There's something on the back of it.
Can you scratch there? [barks.]
- [Max.]
Party Dog! - I was fucking with you guys.
- I'm not sober.
I drink.
- You freaked me out! - I drink heavily.
- [Nick.]
I was like, "What a buzzkill!" Hey, I know it's hard to be alone at a wedding, so you can be my date tonight.
I'm fine.
In fact, I'm gonna give a toast tonight, that's how fine I am.
Is that something Rich wants you to do? No, but I'm sure it's an open mic thing, right? I don't think so.
I think it's more of a don't give an extemporaneous speech kind of thing.
Once I get started, they'll be glad.
I give great toasts, guys.
You know that.
I don't know.
Are you in the right headspace for it? Don't worry about me.
I got this.
I don't think it's such a good idea.
Besides, being alone at a wedding sucks, right? And this toast bullshit is gonna distract me, so just I need this.
- [Ethan.]
Cool.
- Let me give my great toast.
- Cool.
- I already have my first line.
I'm gonna say, "So, I hear 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
" Maybe you should add a twist where you then say a funny thing.
- [Max.]
No, I think just leave it at that.
- [Nick.]
Bring him down right off the bat? Are you really gonna do that? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Who cares? It's a wedding.
They'll find somewhere else to sit.
No, this is where they would - Table 18.
- Sorry.
[woman.]
Nope.
I think we're in their Shush! No names.
- I think it's that side.
- Turners.
Yes, we're the Turners.
Lisa and Ethan, yes.
We're in our seats.
We're actually in our real seats.
[Lisa.]
We're in our correct seats.
- [woman.]
You're Max.
- [Max.]
I'm Max.
- So that's weird.
- Seat 18.
It is.
It's very weird.
Awkward.
Okay.
- We'll keep looking.
- Okay.
Well, guys, Fun Ethan is about to get this table some drinks! - Yes! - So I need to know what your orders are.
There's gonna be a lot.
Who's gonna help? - What's this? - What do you mean what's this? - Are you a Communist? - [Sam.]
I'm fine.
Alright, here we go.
Are you ready? We've got some orders.
[Lisa.]
Dial it back, babe.
It's not - I'm sorry.
My husband is sitting there.
- Okay.
It's so funny.
They told us to sit here.
No, I'm sorry.
[rhythmically.]
Time to get served up.
Time to get served up.
What? - Time to get served up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? - Good.
How are you? I'm great.
I'm so glad you're here, honestly.
Where's Jen? She couldn't make it on account of the fact that we are divorced now.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
She wanted to come to this wedding and I fought to take custody of it because I was hoping you would be here.
- You're kidding! - No, not kidding at all.
- I'm so happy to see you! - I'm so glad you're here.
As I was driving here, I was thinking, "I bet Sam will look gorgeous.
" - Sorry if I keep saying that.
- No, I love it.
- You're double fisting? - Thank you so much.
- There you go, okay? - You're so kind.
Supposed to help me with the drinks.
- Hello, fun table! - Alright! - Hi! - Hey! Hi! - Hi.
- Well, where is everybody? Where's Lisa.
Okay, well, never mind.
Your captain is back and he's here with shots! - Howie Wexler.
- Hey, nice to meet you, buddy! - My wife, Anka.
- Anka, Fun Ethan.
Nice to meet you.
To the fun table! - [Marianne.]
Fun table! - [Nick.]
Fun table! - [Nick.]
Bottoms up! - Oh, my God! - What's in this? - It's gin.
- Straight gin.
- Gin is all they had.
- [Tag.]
Wow, we don't do this in Australia.
- We don't do this here.
Yeah, it sucked.
Okay, now they're gonna do Charlie's Angels.
Wow.
Are you from, like, one minute in the future? I feel bad.
I support women.
We need to band together now more than ever.
It just seems like you're very intent on ripping this wedding a new asshole.
Rich cheated on his wife.
- So? - So? He hated her.
She hated him.
It was a miserable situation.
They just fought.
Well, then, get divorced and then sleep with someone else.
I mean, this isn't a wedding, this is a celebration of cheating.
I don't know.
I think guys get married specifically so that they can cheat.
- What? - Yeah.
I think then, you know, it makes it more exciting.
It's, like, less dull and lame.
The sex is spicier.
- That is the dumbest thing I've heard.
- Thanks.
- From you.
- Thank you.
So, did you all go to school in Boston? Yes, we did.
Well, we did, as well.
Anka and I plan events for the Harvard Alumni Association in the area.
We're gonna go dance and leave this.
- Yeah.
A pleasure to meet you guys.
Howie.
- Right on.
You know what might be up your alley? Our upcoming Jazz Brunch with the Harvard Black Alumni Society.
- Jazz.
- And brunch.
Yeah.
Max, you know, here, loves jazz.
- Tell them.
- No-one likes jazz.
I gotta go work on this.
- Do you really? - Yeah.
I think politics is good to talk about in a way.
You can't write it here? This is my jam! We're never at the fun table! Would you guys excuse me for one second? [Anka.]
It was nice meeting you.
I actually pissed on the fire hydrant.
[all laugh.]
Hey, Sam.
How's it going? Ethan, I've been meaning to tell you, I've read all your books and they're incredible, I love them.
I'm really impressed.
Thank you very much.
That's nice to hear.
- What are you working on now? - It's actually for a younger audience.
It's about werewolves.
It's YA.
It's for children.
I would never have guessed that.
What? You're writing kids' books? Yeah, there's actually a lot of metaphorical aspects about werewolves that I find extremely interesting.
Yeah? Like what? Like I'm Actually, I'm still figuring it out, so - You'll get it.
- Yo, yo, yo! Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it is time for the Party Dog to eat! [growls.]
I've got to go! I'm so sorry.
I have to do it at weddings or people are disappointed.
Check this out.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, alright! Check this out! [all laugh.]
Yeah, Party Dog! - Champagne for the toast? - Yeah, yes.
Hey, everybody, to Rich and to Ashley! May their marriage be a smashing success! [guests gasp.]
Do not walk here.
Broken glass.
- Broken glass.
- What the fuck, Ethan? - You're bleeding really bad.
- It was a bad idea.
He's cut.
It's okay, I'm a doctor.
[cheering.]
[Ethan.]
I've always wanted to do that.
I'm so sorry.
It was a disaster.
It's cool.
I've always wanted to do that, too.
- Now I'm never going to.
- Yeah, I hear you.
- Do you always bring a case with you? - I do.
- Everywhere you go? - Yeah.
I'd wear a stethoscope and a white lab coat everywhere if I could.
Really? Why? If you wear a uniform, women wanna fuck you more.
Come on, that's not really true.
That's not really true, is it? 100% true.
- Really? - Yes.
When the dog was a married dog, the dog just hung out with other married dogs.
But now the dog's a single dog and the single dog has learned a lot about the single dog's life.
One of the things I learned, and it's a fact, if you're in a uniform, women wanna fuck you more.
- I see.
- So you dress like a policeman.
You dress like a sailor, fireman, you know, soldier, airplane pilot, doctor, professional athlete.
- You go out dressed like that - Yeah.
You will be fucking.
So, basically, anything that you would have dressed up as as a kid? - Yeah, kinda.
Not a ninja, you know.
- Right.
- Well, ninjas fuck.
Maybe in Japan.
- Okay.
No, I'm with you now.
But if you, a literary academic, were just out there in the world as a single person and you did not dress like an astronaut or a ninja, you're never gonna get laid, as a single guy.
You're not single so don't worry about this shit.
But what if I was walking around wearing a tweed jacket and a turtleneck? Then you'd be wearing a tweed jacket.
That's not a uniform.
No, that's my uniform.
It's not a uniform if you choose to wear it.
Every college professor who dresses like that, it's not a uniform.
That's just, like, lack of fashion imagination.
- I don't know what the fuck that is.
- Okay.
Why do you all have elbow pads? - I don't know.
- Are you all like this all day? So instead of a traditional speech, we decided to do something a little bit different.
- This is for you, Ashley.
- Here we go.
["Cake By The Ocean" by DNCE playing.]
So over the top.
I can't thank Rich enough for helping me through a very dark time.
I won't go into it, but I hurt a lot of people, both figuratively and literally, and when that thing happened, lives were changed forever.
And Ashley, I just hope that you can be there for Rich when he needs you the most.
The way that he was there for me when that thing happened.
And those of you who are wondering what it is I'm talking about What happened? You might be asking other people who know.
For those of you who do know what I'm talking about, don't tell anyone.
Respect my privacy, thank you.
[tentative applause.]
When Rich and Amanda broke up, we should acknowledge that a lot of his friends turned their back on him.
I went to his niece's bat mitzvahs and he was iced very hard.
But if you were willing to go through that for love, then it must be something real.
[all.]
Aww.
Now, I know you all know me as the Party Dog, the dog, that big dog! [all bark.]
Party Dog! It's the Party Dog! Seriously, now is not the time for that.
This is not about the dog.
This is about this man.
The man I am proud to call my best friend.
Good evening.
My name is Max.
I am a former roommate of Rich's, but surprisingly, not a member of the wedding party.
I can't believe you didn't ask me to be a groomsman! Or at least tell me why.
But I think this does give me some insight into Rich's politics.
Don't ask, don't tell.
No politics.
No politics, alright.
I guess I'll throw out my religion jokes, too.
Let me just go right to the room.
The room! Can we get a hand for the room, because it's beautiful.
Is this spectacular or what out here? It kind of makes you wonder what Rich's third wedding is gonna look like.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna be a groomsman at that one! Rich, what can I say, Rich? That's your name and it also is your most redeeming quality.
Oh, shit! I didn't see that coming! This beautiful woman, is she marrying you for your looks? As a gay man, I think I can safely say she is not.
[all groan.]
Shit! This table I love that table.
Party Dog's in the house! That's the fun table.
Party Dog! And the bridesmaids, look at those bridesmaids! They're so fucking hot! [Max.]
You look so beautiful.
And you're so tanned! I mean, 50 Shades Of Grey, more like 50 shades of orange, am I right? [squealing.]
[applause.]
I guess orange is the new bridesmaids.
Orange is the new bridesmaids? Bridesmaids isn't a color.
This is terrible, but I'm just so happy for him! - That's all I have time for tonight.
- I don't get the anatomy of the joke.
I'm at table 18 if you want more.
Good night! [microphone feedback.]
Please don't drop the mic, it's super expensive.
- Max, that was so good! - I told you guys! - [Tag.]
Somebody killed it.
- Right? Amazing! - Unbelievable! - I give great toasts! I stand corrected.
I went in confident but I had no idea it would be like that.
Did you film me? Orange is the new bridesmaids? What the hell is that? - It just came to me.
- That's nothing! It just came out like vomit.
It was like the best vomit, like funny vomit.
["Uptown Funk" by Mark Ronson playing.]
I gotta get out! Hey, everybody, check this out! [gasps of amazement.]
Fun Ethan! [DJ.]
Hey, get off the cube.
It's just decorative.
Get up on this cube! Get up on that cube! Get up on that cube! Fun Ethan! Get up on that cube! [music stops.]
Not the cake! [guests gasp.]
- Oh, fuck me.
- My God! Oh, my God.
Yo, yo, yo.
Can I talk to you a sec? Sure, yeah.
- What do you know about Sam? - A little.
I just moved to the city.
- I haven't seen her in a long time.
- Where's her husband? I don't know.
He's not here.
Yeah, I mean, are they solid, you know? Because me and her are vibing, kind of hitting it off.
Maybe she wants a piece of the Party Dog.
[howls.]
Listen, Sam is married and she's not gonna leave her husband for some horny surgeon, okay? You're pretty worked up about this.
You wanted to know the situation, I'm telling you.
Alright? She's not - What? - You got a crush on her, big man? - I do not have a crush on Sam.
- It seems like you do.
You're getting pretty worked up about this.
You know what? You're acting like a fucking baby.
- I'm doing what? - You're acting like a baby.
- I am? - Yeah.
- Party Dog is acting like a - No, Party Dog's a big dog.
You're acting like a baby that could ride on my fucking back.
- You hungry? - Am I hungry? - Do you need a nap? - No.
Let me try to cheer you up a bit.
Peek-a-boo! That's not funny.
- I got you.
I made you laugh there.
- No.
Why are you being so annoying? [pants like a dog.]
- Don't.
- You know what that means? - I don't know what that means.
- It means the dog is happy.
- The dog gonna do what the dog gonna do.
- You know what? That's rape.
Well, the dog will get consent, then the dog will do what the dog gonna do.
That's clunky.
Who ain't gonna give consent to the dog? [barks.]
[guests bark.]
Excuse me for just one moment.
I really need to speak to her.
Hi.
Hi, Fun Ethan.
- Are you having fun? - No, I am not.
Would you mind grabbing our coats and just stepping outside for a second? You gotta be kidding me.
You're not a professional dancer? You're not a professional flirter? Part-time.
No, I'm an online lifestyle guru.
- Oh, that's cool.
Awesome.
- Yeah.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna go have a smoke.
- Here, I've got some.
- No, I've got my own.
Wow.
I created a monster.
- A little bit.
- A little bit.
She shouldn't smoke.
I just posted an article about it and it's really bad for your skin.
Yeah, or your lungs.
Actually, that has been debunked.
You ruined my night.
Whoa.
What happened to Fun Ethan? Fun Ethan was abandoned by his friends and stranded with Howie and Anka and had to watch you throw yourself at your ex-boyfriend.
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, if you wanted to make me jealous, you did it.
I'm jealous, okay? You're jealous? You have a fucked-up way of showing it! What? You never showed up at the hotel.
It was a dick move.
Especially after your whole "I really need you right now" sob story you gave me at the vineyard.
Is that what this is all about? It was crazy with Lisa and the IVF.
- You knew that.
- You could have texted me.
- You texted and said you weren't going! - Don't lie! You weren't coming.
Whatever.
I came here to have a good time and not to sit there and watch you just fawn over Dr.
Horn Dog Party Dog.
How do you think I feel? I watch you and Lisa all the time.
I'm not flirting with her to rile you up! - Forget me and go dance with your wife.
- I wanna dance with you! What are we, in seventh grade? I acquired a taste for those gin shots of yours.
Did you? I'm glad you liked them.
We are in the alumni directory.
Maybe the four of us can get dinner at the club some time.
That's a great idea, bub.
- We're not Hey! - What are you doing out here? - She's your wife? - Yes, she is my wife.
She is my wife, yes.
Well, Ethan, whichever one's your wife, she should join us.
This is definitely my wife.
Definitely my wife.
- Good night.
- Good night, all.
Alright, good night.
Boy, they were drunk.
Really into Harvard.
Does anyone want a drink? No, thanks.
- I'm good.
- Okay.
See you inside.
Erm What was What was that? What's going on? Nothing.
Samantha wanted to wanted to talk to me about about her about her ex-boyfriend.
It looked like you were having an argument or something.
No, we weren't.
She wanted to hear a male perspective on a particular issue.
- Yeah, which issue? - It's really not even worth mentioning.
It's stupid.
Let's get inside.
You want to cut a rug with Fun Ethan? I'm gonna finish this.
- Are you becoming a smoker again? - No.
It's just you have another cigarette ready and waiting in your ear.
I forgot about that one.
- Alright, so I'll see you in there.
- Yeah.
Right? ["Electric Boogie" by Marcia Griffiths playing.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's your night going? Oh, it's not great.
This wedding blows.
Really? Alright, they haven't played enough Black Eyed Peas, but that's my only complaint.
Your Party Dog gave a terrible speech.
You mean the toast Paul did? I thought that was sweet.
I don't know.
I mean, maybe the dog was barking up the wrong tree.
Yeah, I guess it was sweet in the sense that it forced us all to celebrate two people who got what they wanted at someone else's expense.
Well, maybe Rich married the wrong person the first time around.
It happens.
I'm Jon's second wife, remember? I do, yeah.
Look, life is short.
You gotta go for what you want or you're gonna end up regretting it.
Even if it means that you hurt some people.
So you're saying that I should be happy for Rich because he went for it when he cheated on his wife? Rich is 40, and God bless him, now he can spend the second half of his life with a chick he's crazy about instead of someone he grew apart from.
It makes sense that you'd take Rich's side.
I'm not taking sides.
I'm just saying it's not always black and white.
Are you seriously giving me a fucking lecture? It felt like you just gave me one.
You know, the thing about weddings is that if you're not in the mood, they're the worst place in the world.
[door creaks open.]
[smooth funk playing.]
I have to go to the bathroom.
- I'll miss you.
- Miss you, too.
Can you guys believe how good this wedding was? Didn't I say it would all work out? When I get married, I want it to be exactly like this, just surrounded by all my old friends.
- You wanna get married? - Yeah.
I mean, I don't know if Marianne shares that view, but I'd like to.
Well, the important thing is that you guys make each other happy.
- Marriage is just a label.
- [Lisa.]
Is it? You see, I think that it's more than that.
You know, Tag, life is short.
You should go for what you want or you're gonna regret it.
She's right.
Marriage is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
[Tag.]
This is terrifying.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna propose.
There she is.
Don't say anything.
- Hey, baby.
- [Ethan.]
Hey.
To Rich and Ashley.
- To Rich and Ashley.
- To Rich and Ashley.
What happened? What was the traumatic thing that happened? You'll never know.
[heavy breathing.]
[moaning.]
[groans.]
And then I made this joke about the bridesmaids that was a little risky but it just brought the house down.
It just killed.
I killed it.
I just killed it.
Um I just miss you, Felix.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look at this.
[in goofy voice.]
I should probably take this to the dry cleaner.
Marry? No! Tag, what were you thinking? I don't even know.
Your friends, they kind of talked me into it.
Lisa gave me this whole beautiful speech about seizing the moment.
You know? - How did it go again? - I don't remember.
You know how I feel about marriage.
I've been clear on this since college.
Most people have that opinion in college and then they grow out of it.
Stop trying to make me you, okay? I've chosen this life and I like it! You two need to find a new place now.
You're crowding me and you're crowding the bunny.
You know what? I'm gonna sleep out here tonight.
- Yeah, that's probably for the best.
- Yeah.
[Marianne.]
I'm sorry.
Wipe out.