Funland (2005) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Shangri-la, hotel, spa and restaurant.
Never seen a man's cock before? It's for you.
I have a proposal.
LOLA: He said he'd clear the debt if I did if with him.
She's got this insane scheme to defile the Tower.
I've made an approach.
Two entrepreneurs from Finland.
They've got the necessary muscle to take her on.
Is your name Carpet? - So, debt paid, free to go.
- SHIRLEY: There's still a little outstanding.
Tell me everything.
How's my boy? I want another chance.
I'll take you back on one condition.
You deal with Mercy.
You finish it tonight.
Mrs Hinchcliffe, it's about Lola.
She's in trouble.
She needs your help.
(Carter breathing heavily) HITMAN 1: Remember us? - What's his name? - Erno Eloranto.
Otherwise known as "The Finn".
A real operator, a vulpine strategist, a force to be reckoned with.
He's quite possibly the answer to all our prayers.
Erno? (Finnish accent) Yes.
Erno Eloranto? Yes.
Yes! Yes! - I'm Onan Van Kneck.
- Yes, yes.
- And this is my associate, Mr Woolf.
- Yes.
Yes.
You are Van Kneck? Yes? No, I'm Onan Van Kneck.
That's fight.
You little fat man.
You like little ball of round cheese.
Yes.
We have a limousine waiting to take you into town.
ERNO: Funny fat cheese.
Funny fat cheese.
(I Like The Way You Move by Bodyrockers playing) - We need to talk to someone.
Get help.
-No.
No, we don't.
All we need is this.
Our ticket out of here.
What about Shirley? What about him? What about what you did? It was your idea.
You enjoyed it.
I was upset, sitting there.
All that moaning and groaning.
Seeing that look on your face.
Or were you faking it? Is that what it was? Well, was it? No, Dudley.
It wasn't.
It was real.
HITMAN 2: Let's cut him.
HITMAN 1: Hold your horses, I'm calling the shots here.
I've waited a long time for this.
My daughter was a month old when I first got a sniff of you.
I've been hunting you ever since.
HITMAN 2: Yeah, you and that bitch of a mother.
(Carter groaning) Where is he? You fucker! You twat.
HITMAN 1: We want to know where he is.
CARTER: Who? HITMAN 1: The little fellow.
HITMAN 2: Your bitch-cow of a mother was a fucking light-fingered thief and a whore.
HITMAN 1: We want him back.
Where is he? (Carter groaning) just tell us what we want to know, Carter.
How was the journey from Varkaus? - Is it a long flight or - Hey, Van Kneck, you got everything sorted, right? Just like Erno ask.
All the arrangements have been made.
I's expecting my cherry.
Erno will have his cherry tonight.
All is as we discussed.
Van Kneck is good man.
Good friend.
He promised donkey ride, too.
We're going to have a good night! No, look, just ignore me.
I don't know what I think.
Is that my daughter? Is that my darling daughter? Oh, love.
Let me see you.
- Let me kiss you.
Let me hold you.
- Mum.
Mr Finch, fetch my daughter a cup of tea, would you? Of course, when Dudley called me Hello, Dudley.
I just had to come immediately.
I dropped everything, I came straight here.
He told me what a terrible muddle you got yourself into.
Poor Dudley, you were so worried about her.
Weren't you, love? Well, I'm here now.
Your troubles are over.
(Carter retching) - I don't know anything.
- You'll have to do better than that.
(Carter panting) HITMAN 2: I did your mother.
I fucking beat her up.
I smashed in her face.
She pissed her pants like a fucking kiddie.
You told him that before.
Don't dwell on it.
You're morbid.
Do you know what I blame? Computer games.
There was nothing like that when I was a kid.
Plastic soldiers.
Cowboy guns.
You said "bang" and your pal dropped down dead.
- There was no gore.
- I'm going to cut his fucking lips off.
You don't listen, do you? You're like a bloody baby.
Fuck you, prick.
I'm going to report in.
Watch him.
Don't touch him, don't talk to him.
Prick.
- Maybe you need to teach him a lesson.
- I'll teach him, all right.
Don't you worry.
- I'll pick my moment.
- Why not now? What are you doing? Nothing.
What did they say? Kill him.
As well as meeting some of our local business leaders, we've laid on a full programme of entertainment for you this evening.
Yes, good.
A wonderful young singer, Colleen Twain.
A fully stocked casino area with complimentary stake for your good self.
- Donkey ride.
- Yes, yes, the donkey ride.
And girls.
You have girls.
As you requested, we've assembled a selection of ladies for your delectation.
Show me ladies.
No.
No.
Boo-hoo.
I asked for chicken, you bring me tired old hen-bird.
You bad man.
Erno get mad.
I not your friend, Van Kneck.
- It's not a problem, I assure you.
We can - Erno want fresh young hatchling.
I's want my chicklet, I's want my cherry.
We can, of course, accommodate.
Bryan, bring the book.
Beautiful lady, all handpick.
Very classy.
No.
No.
No.
Pillu.
Pillu.
Wait.
This is good.
Get me this one.
A sweet little treat for Erno.
This is the one.
You bring to me, now.
Now, sit yourself down and tell me everything.
Mum, go home, now.
Oh, that's charming, isn't it, Dudley? That's absolutely charming.
Come all the way from Stoke, having changed at Stockport, don't you mind, and that's the greeting I get from my only child.
- Thank you very much, Lola Hinchcliffe.
- Sutton.
- What? - Lola Sutton.
It doesn't matter.
Mum, nothing's the matter here.
- Dudley's overreacted.
Haven't you, Dudley? - Dudley? What is going on? - The thing is, Valerie - Dudley.
The thing is, Lola's fallen in with a bit of a bad crowd.
I knew it.
It was only a matter of time.
She's just like her father.
-Wilful.
Selfish, ultimately.
- Mum.
Tell me everything.
It won't be the first time I've borne the burden alone.
- I don't want your help.
- She's been stripping.
What the fuck are you thinking? - This guy's a madman.
- Listen to me.
Erno's the brawn.
His brother's the brains.
They call him "The Surgeon".
Nobody messes with him.
One man tried to muscle in on his territory, he was forced to disassemble himself with a Black & Decker.
You should call this off now.
Oh, and who's going to deal with Mercy, eh? Who's going to take her on? Do you want to save your marriage or not? Look, all we have to do is keep him happy till his brother arrives.
Now, please, go and get that girl.
- Did you get that WD-40? - What? How do you expect a piece of machinery to function properly if you don't take care of it? Give it here, you old tosser.
Give it Give it Give it here.
(You To Me Are Everything by The Real Thing playing) That's right, blame poor Dudley.
He got me into this.
I've been paying off his debt.
By parading naked in a room full of strangers? Whose choice was that? Not mine.
They made me.
Shirley Woolf, Leo Finch downstairs.
- I find that very hard to believe.
- They're all in on it.
- They forced me.
- And the sex? - The what? - The sex.
She slept with a man for money.
And I had to watch.
How did you know where I was? I'm the next Carol Vorderman.
I know everything.
I had you followed.
You refused my hospitality.
I didn't like it.
What kind of a fucked-up, freakish town is this? I thought it was the home of the family holiday.
Stags and hens, Gypsy Rose Lee.
- I mean, people come here for a laugh! - And why are you here? Oh, get a tan.
You can leave whenever you want.
I'm sure your two friends will be eager to catch up with you.
I'm trying to find out what happened to my mother.
- A devoted son.
How charming.
- It's not a fucking joke! Those guys, they murdered her.
And now they're after me.
Sit down.
Have another drink.
- Maybe I can help you.
- How? Oh, what, are you gonna get them off my back? Are you gonna tell me who killed my mum? - I could tell you her real name.
- What? Franny Poole.
No, no.
Krantz.
Franny Krantz.
This is the only Krantz she knew.
Your mother changed her name.
(Off-key) # I will always Love #You# Now, we have the donkey ready for your ride.
Yes.
Donkey ride.
I see donkey ride.
And where would you like it? On the beach, or No, not on beach.
Is cold, too cold.
In here.
Donkey ride in here.
In here? I see.
- I mean, there's not much room.
- On there.
I see donkey ride on girl on there.
Donkey ride on girl? ERNO: Yeah.
And I DUDLEY: We're thinking of getting counselling.
That's a good idea.
I wish I'd had that.
Maybe my marriage would have staggered on for a few more years.
Maybe I wouldn't have been left high and dry without a penny to my name.
- Yeah, and I might have had a father.
- Always taking his side! It was him that brought her here the very first time.
For the weekend.
She was only seven.
When he brought her back, she had a stick of rock, a woollen donkey, and that was it.
- What was? - He left me.
- He disappeared that very night.
- Yeah, and haven't I paid for it all these years? - Your mum only wants the best for you.
- No! No, she doesn't.
All she cares about is the attention.
Yeah, well, that's one thing you can't give, 'cause you're not capable.
You're all shrivelled up inside.
Lola.
That's right, put on your little show.
Everyone's watching.
- I better - Go, go, Dudley, save her if you can.
LEO: Tea for two.
- Where would you Like it? -Oh, Mr Finch.
I've never heard such kind words.
Over there will do.
- What's up, Love? -Nothing.
Get out of my way.
- I've got a Little job for you.
-Now, hold on.
I'm talking to me wife, we're having a discussion.
- What is it? - Little bit of dancing.
Right up your street.
Unless you've lost your nerve.
(Valerie laughing excitedly) Let's go.
- No! -We'll pay top dollar.
No, never.
He's not that kind of animal.
Now listen to me, Willy Woolf.
I'm not asking, I'm telling.
I'm the Mayor of this town and you'll do your civic duty.
I don't want your money.
Clarence is not for sale.
Come on, love.
(Soft orchestral music playing) She used to play it as a girl, over and over, note-perfect every time.
- How did you know her? - My parents died.
I was barely 10 years old.
Your mother's family took me in.
Very kind people they were.
Very good.
Franny, she were like a sister to me.
We lost touch over the years.
I didn't know about you.
- I didn't know your father.
- Me, neither, he's dead.
Why did she change her name? I couldn't say.
This town's full of trouble.
Bad blood.
You have to be careful.
Even a woman like me.
You have to watch your step.
Who? Who do you have to watch? Shirley? - No, not Shirley.
- Finch, Van Kneck? - Van Kneck's a fool.
- You know he's got a plan? He's got it in for you.
He's making his move tonight.
Him and Finch.
Could they have done my mum? Did she say anything before she died? Any last words? "Blackpool.
Danger.
Ambrose Chapel.
" - Anything else? - She told me to be careful, throw it in the sea.
- Throw what? - I don't know.
- Did she give you anything? - Look, tell me about Finch.
- What did she give you? Nothing! Did Finch know my mother? He might have.
What happened? Something terrible.
A man were involved.
Was Finch that man? I couldn't say.
Why should I? You don't trust me.
- I've got problems of me own.
- I'll talk to Finch.
I'll get it out of him.
Forget Finch.
Find out what Van Kneck is up to.
Come straight back here.
I'll tell you everything.
I've had the time of my life And I've never felt this way before No donkey? - But Van Kneck make promise.
- I'm so sorry, Erno.
We could sort something out, I mean, some other entertainment.
We put on nice cabaret! Good live show! Stay quiet, you lousy, red monkey.
Erno make his own live show.
(Laughing psychotically) This one.
Yes.
Yes.
I see make it with that one, yes.
These two will stand before me and strip off clothes.
Then I watch his little arse go up and down like a jackhammer.
Please, please.
We've only paid her for six numbers and a Motown medley, I don't think her fee will cover it.
Oh, Shirley.
Thank Christ.
VAN KNECK: Get that girl to him.
Just get her dancing.
Hey.
No dancing.
I'm gonna make fuck with you.
I'm gonna fuck you all night long.
(Doorbell ringing) Oh, well, here he is! Star of stage and screen, Malcolm fucking Carpet.
Keep your voice down.
I've got company, female company.
- Let's have a talk then, shall we? - What are you doing? (Leo grunting) Oh, look, here's your mate.
Little Sancho.
(Carter laughing) No, don't, please.
He's delicate.
- What do you want? - Answers, you little piece of shit.
Your name, I saw it.
That thing that killed Ken Cryer.
Those fuckers with the chainsaw.
- They work for you.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
You're involved, I know you are.
Ambrose Chapel.
You sold it to Shirley Woolf.
No, I acted for my brother, Van Kneck.
He made me.
And Franny? Franny Poole? What did you do, Leo? - What'd you do to her? -It was Van Kneck, not me.
Van Kneck's the one who knew her.
(Morning Train by Sheena Easton playing) - Dance, you said.
- What do you care? The Surgeon arrives first thing.
We've got to keep him happy.
Drink, more drink.
I get Koskenkorva.
Best Finnish vodka.
Erno show you how to party real good.
- Don't touch me.
- What, what have I done? Called your mother? All this, it was getting out of hand, you were starting to enjoy it.
You've no idea, have you? What makes me tick, what I need.
- A big cock? - That's not all you're missing, Dudley, believe me.
- You don't have to do this.
-What's the matter? jealous? - I'll take you back.
Debt's paid, you're free to go.
- No! No, I'm looking forward to it.
I've fucked you, I might as well fuck him.
In fact, line them up, everyone can have a go.
- You can take turns.
- Don't flatter yourself.
- Oh, Look! Look who it is.
-What's wrong with you? Do you want some? I'm going cheap.
Do you want to kiss me? What are you doing here, pal? She's drunk, she ought to go home.
Oh, yeah? And what's it got to do with you? He cares.
Now Erno is ready.
I will have my cherry.
Yes, we have the fruit, as requested.
The very best, flown in from Syria.
No.
No cherry.
I am wanting my cherry.
Yes, it's all there, look.
Bradley.
- A plate.
- No! Cherry.
Girl is fresh cherry.
(In sing-song voice) Where is my cherry? A-ha! Erno want his cherry now.
You gonna let her do this? Girl undress.
Get naked.
Get naked.
I want to see titties.
- I'm not feeling too well.
- After, you go to hospital.
- I think I've drunk too much.
-(Laughing) No.
You not drink enough.
Have vodka, drink.
- No.
- Drink.
Come on, you little piece of chicken.
Erno hungry.
You fight.
Erno like.
Get off.
Please let me go.
Stay there.
I go straight to main course.
Erno make you hurt.
You will love it.
I am knowing you will love it.
Where you going, silly little girl? Big gun.
(Wheezing) (Firing gun) (Lola whimpering)