Funny or Die Presents... (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
Welcome back to another night of award-winning television from Funny or Die.
If you haven't seen our program yet, then you're in for a real treat.
On the other hand, if you've been following us then you know I'm lying right to your face.
That's what I do.
I'm in sales and I'm a trained liar.
So sit back and enjoy the very best in comedy.
I give you my word on it.
Tonight on the Funny or Die Network: Another episode of "Casual Sex" with Andrea Savage.
From Public Broadcasting comes the award-winning "One Thousand Cats.
" Followed by "Sleeping with Celebrities.
" Hey, I'm Rebecca.
I'm single, 5'6", Pisces.
Oh, yeah, and I'm eight months pregnant.
So I've only got a couple weeks to do everything I've never done.
Some women travel, or they find a new hobby, like tying interesting knots.
In my case? I never had a wild phase.
So I'm just gonna lay a lot of dudes.
I could go for some barbeque.
Do you want a time out? I'm just jealous.
If I could have sex with someone other than my husband, I'd put it in my butt.
Charming.
Well, you know what? It hasn't been as easy as you'd think.
I mean, they just look at me, like, you know, I'm some sort of mother figure.
Or they call me "ma'am.
" I think, seriously, some of them were visibly sickened by the thought of touching me.
I used to not have a problem with getting guys to have sex with me.
It seemed very easy.
- Alan! One - Heather? Hello? And she hung up.
All right, great.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I I just have to tell you, for whatever it's worth, I think you look absolutely beautiful.
Thank you.
How much of that did you actually hear? Enough to know that I would love to ask you out sometime if you have any interest at all.
Look, this is my number.
So no pressure.
- All right.
- I promise I'm not a murderer or anything.
- Are you a rapist? - I'm not one of those either.
- Not lately.
Sorry.
- Maybe next time.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Well, thank you.
- Sure.
Okay, bye.
So let's be honest.
Pickings have been a little slim.
So I did call him.
And you know what? He was great! And somehow, we ended up back at my place.
Would it be okay if I kissed you? Yeah, I think that would be okay.
Well, all right, then I think I'm gonna do that.
- Well, I consider myself warned.
- All right.
I think I found some sex.
- That was nice.
- Yeah, it was.
I really wanna be inside you.
And feel your placenta.
Has your milk come in yet? - What? - Your breast milk.
It's the most amazing food in the world.
I wish they'd make cheese out of it.
Maybe we just, you know, could talk less.
It's just kind of pulling me out of the mood.
I don't why, just Let's just move on, you know, and just get back to, you know - To making out? - To making out.
- All right.
We can do that.
- All right.
Thirty-three weeks.
- What? - I'm gonna say that's how far along you are.
And also I'm gonna say you are having a boy.
What are you doing? - I'm not getting you.
- What do you mean? This is your thing? You're obsessed with pregnant women? - Now I'm getting it.
- I meant all of that.
I like to use the word "fetish" rather than "obsessed.
" - Because I think it's more charming.
- It's not charming.
- I think pregnant women are beautiful.
- Yeah.
Like a mule sex show in Mexico is beautiful.
- Oh, don't Don't - Okay? Like a freak show or something.
How prepared are you for what happens in the delivery room? I know what's gonna happen.
You're gonna be pooping in front of a room full of people.
Doesn't that thought make you uncomfortable? It makes me very uncomfortable.
In fact, this conversation's making me uncomfortable.
Well, let me ask you this.
Would you wanna practice in front of me? - Practice? - Having a poop? Like maybe put a tarp on the bed and you could just get there and try to - No! - Do you have one in you? No! I don't have one in me right Maybe another Maybe another time.
And maybe you should go.
I have got a portable sonogram unit in my van.
- What? - Can we give it a try? He didn't do anything.
I'm fine.
I mean, I think he wanted to have sex with my baby more than he wanted to have sex with me.
Which I should report.
That's not why I'm crying.
Well, then why are you crying? This lady, she just won $30,000 on Deal or No Deal.
And she just seems like a really, really nice lady.
I think she's really gonna be able to use this money.
Listen, I'll call you tomorrow.
I gotta go, okay? My hormones are really making me act like a fucking psycho.
Yeah, this is not normal.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Funding for "One Thousand Cats" is provided in part by the Esther & Samuel Woodman Foundation.
And viewers like you.
"One Thousand Cats" is not a play.
It's not a musical.
It's not even really a performance.
It is a universal consciousness that is physicalized through me.
Of course, the appropriate venue is not the theater that I will be performing it in.
Really there's only one venue that would do "One Thousand Cats" justice.
And that venue is the Vatican.
I am performing "One Thousand Cats" yet I am not performing "One Thousand Cats.
" Because "One Thousand Cats" doesn't even exist.
While, at the same time "One Thousand Cats" is the only thing that exists.
Thank you.
Oh, I've been imprisoned in this stone tower my whole life.
I wonder when my prince will come rescue me.
Wait.
Do I hear roller skates? Oh, yeah! We're cats 300 through 310.
Get out of here! What'd I tell you about using that fucking language in my house? Oh, son, getting old isn't so bad.
Why, for your father and I, it's wonderful.
Oh, my God! Stop! It is God in all his glory! God has destroyed the robot cats! But wait? Do I hear a march approaching? Ten-hut! Stop! No.
Wait! What's that? Stop! Is that God? No, you fool! That's not God! He sent his son this time! The Jesus cat! Yes! Now, everyone! Put on the sunglasses that were given to you when you took your seats! Or you will surely go blind.
Do you see it? Do you see it? It is so beautiful.
And now we can finally see.
I am you! You are me! We are we! It's beautiful.
It's beautiful! Let it take you away! Now, I bet you're all wondering who the 1000th cat is.
Well, I'll tell you all something.
The 1000th cat is you.
Sleeping with Celebrities.
Tonight: Keith David.
Sleeping with Celebrities.
Well, it's over.
And I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to watch that.
What the fuck is this company doing?
If you haven't seen our program yet, then you're in for a real treat.
On the other hand, if you've been following us then you know I'm lying right to your face.
That's what I do.
I'm in sales and I'm a trained liar.
So sit back and enjoy the very best in comedy.
I give you my word on it.
Tonight on the Funny or Die Network: Another episode of "Casual Sex" with Andrea Savage.
From Public Broadcasting comes the award-winning "One Thousand Cats.
" Followed by "Sleeping with Celebrities.
" Hey, I'm Rebecca.
I'm single, 5'6", Pisces.
Oh, yeah, and I'm eight months pregnant.
So I've only got a couple weeks to do everything I've never done.
Some women travel, or they find a new hobby, like tying interesting knots.
In my case? I never had a wild phase.
So I'm just gonna lay a lot of dudes.
I could go for some barbeque.
Do you want a time out? I'm just jealous.
If I could have sex with someone other than my husband, I'd put it in my butt.
Charming.
Well, you know what? It hasn't been as easy as you'd think.
I mean, they just look at me, like, you know, I'm some sort of mother figure.
Or they call me "ma'am.
" I think, seriously, some of them were visibly sickened by the thought of touching me.
I used to not have a problem with getting guys to have sex with me.
It seemed very easy.
- Alan! One - Heather? Hello? And she hung up.
All right, great.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I I just have to tell you, for whatever it's worth, I think you look absolutely beautiful.
Thank you.
How much of that did you actually hear? Enough to know that I would love to ask you out sometime if you have any interest at all.
Look, this is my number.
So no pressure.
- All right.
- I promise I'm not a murderer or anything.
- Are you a rapist? - I'm not one of those either.
- Not lately.
Sorry.
- Maybe next time.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Well, thank you.
- Sure.
Okay, bye.
So let's be honest.
Pickings have been a little slim.
So I did call him.
And you know what? He was great! And somehow, we ended up back at my place.
Would it be okay if I kissed you? Yeah, I think that would be okay.
Well, all right, then I think I'm gonna do that.
- Well, I consider myself warned.
- All right.
I think I found some sex.
- That was nice.
- Yeah, it was.
I really wanna be inside you.
And feel your placenta.
Has your milk come in yet? - What? - Your breast milk.
It's the most amazing food in the world.
I wish they'd make cheese out of it.
Maybe we just, you know, could talk less.
It's just kind of pulling me out of the mood.
I don't why, just Let's just move on, you know, and just get back to, you know - To making out? - To making out.
- All right.
We can do that.
- All right.
Thirty-three weeks.
- What? - I'm gonna say that's how far along you are.
And also I'm gonna say you are having a boy.
What are you doing? - I'm not getting you.
- What do you mean? This is your thing? You're obsessed with pregnant women? - Now I'm getting it.
- I meant all of that.
I like to use the word "fetish" rather than "obsessed.
" - Because I think it's more charming.
- It's not charming.
- I think pregnant women are beautiful.
- Yeah.
Like a mule sex show in Mexico is beautiful.
- Oh, don't Don't - Okay? Like a freak show or something.
How prepared are you for what happens in the delivery room? I know what's gonna happen.
You're gonna be pooping in front of a room full of people.
Doesn't that thought make you uncomfortable? It makes me very uncomfortable.
In fact, this conversation's making me uncomfortable.
Well, let me ask you this.
Would you wanna practice in front of me? - Practice? - Having a poop? Like maybe put a tarp on the bed and you could just get there and try to - No! - Do you have one in you? No! I don't have one in me right Maybe another Maybe another time.
And maybe you should go.
I have got a portable sonogram unit in my van.
- What? - Can we give it a try? He didn't do anything.
I'm fine.
I mean, I think he wanted to have sex with my baby more than he wanted to have sex with me.
Which I should report.
That's not why I'm crying.
Well, then why are you crying? This lady, she just won $30,000 on Deal or No Deal.
And she just seems like a really, really nice lady.
I think she's really gonna be able to use this money.
Listen, I'll call you tomorrow.
I gotta go, okay? My hormones are really making me act like a fucking psycho.
Yeah, this is not normal.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Funding for "One Thousand Cats" is provided in part by the Esther & Samuel Woodman Foundation.
And viewers like you.
"One Thousand Cats" is not a play.
It's not a musical.
It's not even really a performance.
It is a universal consciousness that is physicalized through me.
Of course, the appropriate venue is not the theater that I will be performing it in.
Really there's only one venue that would do "One Thousand Cats" justice.
And that venue is the Vatican.
I am performing "One Thousand Cats" yet I am not performing "One Thousand Cats.
" Because "One Thousand Cats" doesn't even exist.
While, at the same time "One Thousand Cats" is the only thing that exists.
Thank you.
Oh, I've been imprisoned in this stone tower my whole life.
I wonder when my prince will come rescue me.
Wait.
Do I hear roller skates? Oh, yeah! We're cats 300 through 310.
Get out of here! What'd I tell you about using that fucking language in my house? Oh, son, getting old isn't so bad.
Why, for your father and I, it's wonderful.
Oh, my God! Stop! It is God in all his glory! God has destroyed the robot cats! But wait? Do I hear a march approaching? Ten-hut! Stop! No.
Wait! What's that? Stop! Is that God? No, you fool! That's not God! He sent his son this time! The Jesus cat! Yes! Now, everyone! Put on the sunglasses that were given to you when you took your seats! Or you will surely go blind.
Do you see it? Do you see it? It is so beautiful.
And now we can finally see.
I am you! You are me! We are we! It's beautiful.
It's beautiful! Let it take you away! Now, I bet you're all wondering who the 1000th cat is.
Well, I'll tell you all something.
The 1000th cat is you.
Sleeping with Celebrities.
Tonight: Keith David.
Sleeping with Celebrities.
Well, it's over.
And I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to watch that.
What the fuck is this company doing?