Funny Woman (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

This program contains strong language
and adult scenes.
Whilst Spike Milligan gave us a
wonderful turn in our episode 5,
it is very good
to have the team back together.
And I thought we should take a
moment to congratulate
Clive and Sophie
on their engagement.
A little celebration is in order.
Eunice? Bring in the
chocolate fingers.
I’m afraid ‘Songs of Praise’
soaked up our booze budget.
No, I’m joking of course.
I’m teetotal.
Dennis - I'm very glad you
decided to re-join us.
Decided? We had to drag him back
kicking and screaming.
In a good way.
I’m glad to see the series
through to the end.
Well, then we should talk about how
things are going to run
with this final show.
Mr Richardson and Miss Straw you
are, of course, at all times,
representing the Network
both on screen and off.
Is that clear?
You are engaged, not yet married.
The viewing public don’t want to
see their stars messy lives
splashed across papers - just look
at the detrimental effect
it’s having on Tony Hancock.
Yes Ted. All above board.
You have our word.
Mine too.
Too much? I'm sorry.
We all want to see the adventures
of ‘Jim and Barbara’ return
for another series, so let’s
go out with a bang!
Oh please. Do grow up.
Jim?
Oh, yeah.
Um, Sophie darling,
what did you just do there?
I'm having a scratch. Men are always
having a scratch down there.
It's liberating.
I do not scratch my balls.
End of Sophie’s Dream Sequence.
What the bloody hell is that Bill?
Rusty plumbing.
Rusty Plumbing? I think I saw
him at the Palladium.
And action.
Jim! Wake up I’ve just had the most
amazing dream about a world
where women can do
everything men can do.
Except piss standing up.
Green book!
Oh don't!
You'll have to come up
with something else.
Wee standing up.
Tinkle?
Tinkle!
Tinkle standing up.
And then do I go to the bathroom?
Yes.
Ooh and then, then the camera can
stay on me and I can deliver
a killer punch-line, yes?
Actually, in this episode Sophie
gets the punchlines.
Yes, very good. Very good.
Good.
See you at mine later.
Ooh. We’re gonna tell Ted Sargent!
Oh, give over. He’s being taken to
dinner with his agent.
The only thing my agent’s ever
given me is an invoice.
So it’s going well with
Captain Cuddles?
It’s going great thanks.
So come on, tell me what you
been up to then?
well I come home the other night
when suddenly tap tap tap at the
bloody window pane.
I looked out - you know who it was?
Bloody Greta Garbo!
I love Pete and Dud. You know what
they do, is it all improvised?
Most of the time, it is.
Why don't we do that then?
The next series, why don't we
improvise? I’d love to have a go.
Why not. I think you’d be
really good at it.
Don’t do us out of a job though
Come on, give us a line.
Oh, Edith! I’m late for dinner.
Don’t worry darling.
My boss will be talking about
himself for at least another hour
I'm joking, I'm joking.
Soph? What you doing?
Well I'm improvising!
I thought you wanted me to be Edith?
Uh no. No improvising.
I’m- I'm late for dinner with Edith.
See you tomorrow.
Well that wasn’t at all embarrassing.
What’s going on?
Edith and Dan are getting divorced.
She’s shacking up with
Vernon Whitebait.
Darling you’ve
been inundated with invitations.
The Mary Quant people want you to
model the new collection and
you are tippermost at the
toppermost of the VIP list for the
Terry Clarke photographic exhibition.
Better think of something to wear.
And make it snazzy.
Oh yes, anybody who's
anybody will be there.
It’s such an accolade being
photographed by Terry Clarke.
Perhaps you could persuade him to
take the pictures for your wedding!
Clive would love that.
Why you so concerned with what
Clive wants all the time?
You’re not his agent.
In your absence darling our boys
got together and
commiserated over a couple
of Dirty Martini’s.
Why? Why would you be having a couple
of mucky martini’s with Clive?
It really isn't a thing.
Patsy was there a little extra
filing to do? We're a bit behind
with all that aren't we?
There’s a good girl.
Poor Patsy. She's a little bit
confused at the moment, see,
she's going through the change.
Right! I better get to rehearsals. Absolutely.
Lovely to see you as usual.
Well I think it’s grubby. Poor girl
has no idea Clive was coerced.
Nobody’s been coerced into anything!
But the papers want what they want -
and they won’t wait forever.
Blimey! I didn’t know you
could actually type!
So, you finished the script then?
Oh! Bill mate?
What’s the big secret?
Alright.
Wait wait, no no no.
No, no! Let me have a gander.
Fuckin' hell, Bill.
Yeah, alright.
What d’you think?
I think you’ll be arrested if
anyone else reads this.
What is it, like a diary?
A novel maybe.
It’s good. Actually it’s brilliant.
And I fucking hate you.
I love writing comedy
with you, Tone
Feeling’s mutual.
Best job in the world.
You make me laugh every
fucking day.
but I want to write
different stuff too.
About
The other part of my life.
I need to write about it.
I’m scared, Bill.
‘Cos I'm only really myself
when I’m writing with you.
Oh hello! We interrupting something?
Just don't leave it lying around on
a bus seat.
Chaps can you set up for the
bathroom plumbing scene please?
Don't mind me.
No- come on, mate. Bill, help me.
Den? I’m sorry about you and Edith.
Oh well. We’re being very grown up
and sophisticated about it all.
So you are really getting
a divorcing her?
Yes.
Well, actually,
she wants to divorce me.
On what grounds?
Adultery.
Oh. Crikey.
So, have you been having a
dingaling?
Absolutely not. No, gosh no.
No, that’s the point.
It’s actually quite funny in a way.
Edith who very much has been
having a ‘dingaling’ has now
decided that I uh should have one
too so that she can save face
and divorce me.
Not that I would ever, but for a
woman in her position it could
ruin her career.
Hello?
Writers in the room
Rehearsal sometime this year would
be great.
What’s cooking?
Probably Marj’s pants.
No actually - I’m going to
make a pasta dish.
One of the girls at my
group gave me the recipe.
Tastes like cardboard.
Has it gone off?
It’ll taste nice once it cooked.
Yeah, we know that.
This is lovely, just hanging
out for once.
Yeah, how come you
got a day off work?
They changed my rota. I’m in
tomorrow instead.
Let’s stick it on anyway, yeah?
I quite fancy that Andy O’Shea.
Oooh Marjorie! I say.
Diane maybe you could fix her up?
Get in line!
Now we know.
It’s just a flirtation.
Who’s she?
Uh, good question. They must
be trying her out.
Oh it’s him. Banging on as usual.
He looks like a panto villain.
There’s nothing pantomime
about that man.
If it was down to him, me and my
family would be on a boat,
back to wherever the fuck he
thinks we came from
Is there a boat to Cobham?
They might argue
this is their home.
The majority of them regard
India or Jamacia or wherever
it may be as their home.
Of course that's a valid opinion.
Not it isn't!
Take him on, Andy, challenge him!
On the other side
there is a certain evil.
You make a very interesting point.
Don't just let him off the hook!
Two, three days
before the conservative
This is mad! Who are all
these people?
Do you know them?
We are in with the
'In crowd’ now darling.
The Famous Club.
All of these are our friends here. Cheers.
Wotcha fuckers.
Terry! Good to see you again.
Alright geezer.
Why don't we have a look
at your snapshot.
I mean wow, great shot, mate.
Great shot.
I look dead serious
I look a bit like Brando.
Michael? Mike? Darling
it’s Michael Caine.
I haven’t seen him since ‘Zulu’.
Do you mind?
What d’you think Sexy Sophie?
I think it’s a lovely picture but I'm
not sure if it's the real me.
Oh nevermind that.
Come on blondie, let’s get a couple
of snaps here in front of it.
Your lips. Just make them
Like two slugs fucking.
That’s more like a
duck taking a shit.
That is the real me.
D’you want to go to bed with me?
Oh my god!
Shall I ask my fiancee to hold
your camera while we do it?
Suit yourself. I won’t ask again.
That’s probably a lie
I probably will.
Is your life always like this?
Soph, it’s all just a game.
Sit back and enjoy the ride. I've
turned you into an icon.
Make the most of it.
Turn back Sophie, give us one more!
Over here you fuckin’ bitch!
Got ya.
Hello darling. Hello.
You should have stayed at the
party last night, it was a blast.
The Rolling Stones turned up and
everyone went dancing at Annabel's.
I hope she didn’t mind.
Annabel’s is a Club, darling.
I know that, darling.
So, Mick and Marianne invited
us to Keith Richards’ country
house for the weekend!
Keith Richards? Blimey. I
wouldn’t know what to say.
I don’t think Keith’s
big into small talk.
Nothing you'd understand, anyway.
You know, just, relax, tune in,
let yourself go.
Enjoy the perks of the job.
I think I mainly enjoy the job.
I love being in the rehearsal
room. It feels safe.
I can be myself.
You know, darling
The rehearsal room isn’t real life.
Nor is hanging around with
the Rolling Stones.
The Powell interview
was interesting.
God, what a piece of work.
You let him off lightly.
If I’d been there I’d have
gone for the jugular.
He made sure that didn’t happen.
I’m sorry?
All I know is they suddenly
changed the rota. Is there more?
Okay, this is awkward.
Someone should have told you.
He refused to be interviewed if
you were in the vicinity.
And you thought that was alright?
Of course not.
But the powers that be felt
it would be best.
And you didn’t say anything?
Diane. It was out of my hands.
What would you have done
in my position?
Alright, here we are
ladies and gentlemen.
Where's that microphone please?
That's just the thing, isn't it?
I never will be in your position.
so Diane we’re looking at how
many tools the average woman
can identify
Well I’d certainly like to know the
name of the tool who decided
not to have me
in the studio yesterday.
Haha I’m not quite uh sure
Only a very big Spanner would
made that sort of decision,
surely.
Crikey.
Well luckily you’re with us today.
But unluckily - you’re just a very
small cog in the machine, Andy.
Otherwise perhaps
you’d have spoken out.
I think we’re ready-
Actually, I don’t think you’re
quite ready for me.
Go on Diane.
Cocking hell.
Dearly beloved we are gathered here
today for the final episode
of Jim and Barbara.
Yes, it’s sad.
Honey, can you move over please?
I want to do my makeup.
spend a few more minutes admiring
yourself?
I was going over my lines.
Want to run things?
Actually, there's got
to be a better joke for
the end of the bathroom scene.
Maybe we could call Golden and
Simpson, ask them to write it.
Oh!
Seriously though, lads.
Any new lines?
Just a couple.
It's as big as you, Tony!
Well, the old jokes are the best.
Shall we give Sophie a moment?
Break a leg.
Break a leg.
Clive.
After you, Dennis.
Deja vu.
What do you mean?
Deja vu? It's French, darling.
I know what it means.
What did you mean?
Oh, uh. Nothing. Nothing at all.
Clive.
There was a moment. In Blackpool.
Blackpool?
He was at the train station.
With roses.
Roses?
Who for?
Uh. Soph.
For you.
Yeah anyway, the best man won, so.
Hmm.
Lady and gentleman? It's show time.
Jim! Jim, Jim, wake up!
I’ve just had the most
amazing dream about a world
where women could do
everything men can do.
Except tinkle standing up.
It’s all a fantasy, darling.
It’s the future!
There’s no reason a woman can’t
do what a man can do!
Hmm. What, even the toughest,
dirtiest jobs?
Even the toughest jobs.
Alright then - in that case can you
sort out the plumbing in the toilet?
The pipes are making an awful din.
Rather risque, but a fun idea.
The boys do write
very well for women.
Um, actually Sophie came up with a
lot of it.
Is FX set for the water?
Set.
Right. Well, we only sort of have
one go with this.
Good luck.
Ready to roll. And, action!
Right. Let's be having you.
What is all this racket?
Jim! I've done it!
I fixed the pipes!
Oh, darling, well done.
Clever little thing.
You know you could have just turned
all the water off with this.
Get down you beast!
It's coming out of every hole!
You men. Always fiddling with your
stop-clocks!
Cut. Very good. Spot check
that please.
He says we’re just
checking the tape.
I hope it's alright, or we'll be back
in the bedroom doing another
tinkle standing up!
Oh, you know what I mean.
Although, has anyone here ever tried
a ‘standy uppy’? Girls?
Does the phrase ‘fill yer
boots’ come to mind?
When I was little I
thought I could do anything.
I thought I could be a Footballer
or a Racing driver
An, a pilot, or a
Camera Person, Boom operator or a
TV Director - alright I didn’t even
really know what half those jobs were
- but I’d have wanted to do them.
I asked my Dad why it was that girls
didn’t do jobs like that,
and he said “because they can’t
do a tinkle standing up.”
I thought he was joking, but as I
grew up I realised that if
you’re a girl
there are an awful lot of people
saying ‘you can’t’.
And they said this was no job
for a woman -
but here I am, doing
jokes for a living.
So, you have to stand up for
yourself and don't ever let anyone
tell you you can't do what you want
to do just ‘cos of where your
wee comes out.
Okay, thank you!
The tape's okay apparently.
Well that's the end
of Jim and Barbara.
Come on, come on Clive.
Our writers,
Bill Gardener, and Tony Holmes.
And the 5th Beatle. Our
fearless leader Dennis Mahindra!
Here we are.
Thank you.
From him. Cheers.
So that was that. That Was The
Show That Was. That was it.
Well, not ‘it’ it. Just the
end of Series One.
You could see it as the
start of Series Two.
We don’t know that we’re going to
get a Series Two, though do we?
Well I’m banking on it, now I’m
going to have another mouth to feed.
Well I never. June’s got a
bun up her jumper?
Who’s the Daddy?
Fuck off. Congratulations.
Are you happy?
Terrified.
Bye Jo, by Serena.
You came!
And? What did you think?
The seats were bloody uncomfortable.
But um, you weren't half bad.
Come here.
Aw!
You're coming to the party,
aren't you?
Yes.
Yes.
Good.
See you there.
I wondered when you'd turn up.
What do you want?
I hoped you'd understand
Oh, I understand. Money is it?
What? No
Oh come on.
Everybody wants something.
I don’t want anything.
Fine. Good.
It was just- seeing you up there tonight
I felt so proud.
What gives you the right? To
feel anything about me.
I always knew you were
something special.
Oh I was special. I was the
kid who had no mother.
I didn’t mean to hurt
anyone Barbara.
I’m not Barbara. I’m Sophie Straw.
And you did. Hurt us.
That wasn’t part of my plan.
Oh there was a plan was there?
It wasn’t just a random
act of cruelty?
How could you never even
try to get in touch?
How could you
I did. I wrote to you.
Of course I did.
Oh please don’t lie to my face-
I was just a little kid.
All I wanted was me mum!
What were you looking for?
What was so wrong with me and dad
that you had to go off
searching for something better?
So, go on then. Who’s wife
did you end up being?
No-one’s.
No-one’s wife.
He was already married.
He was happy as we were.
Happy for a while.
And now suddenly here you are.
You were my baby,
I wanted to look at you.
Have you look back at me.
You're so beautiful.
Well that’s that sorted then. I
hope it was all worth it.
Because when you went, the bottom
fell out of my world.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What you drinking?
No, I’m fine.
What's that?
Weird.
I see no reason why you shouldn't be
the next Sophie Straw.
Here's my card. Come and see me.
Well played tonight.
Thanks.
Back off Dennis.
She made her choice.
She didn’t know there was
a choice.
Well, that was interesting tonight.
You deciding to go off book.
Well I had a few things to say.
Yes, the problem with you,
Sophie Straw is that you always say
too much. Don’t forget, you were
just a girl from nowhere.
I put you on Television.
It’s up to me what you say and
when you get to say it.
Those days are over Ted.
Times are changing.
So either get with it
or get the fuck out of my way.
You're flying too high, ladybird,
your wings are gonna snap.
Ted Sargent is not a waiter in some
greasy spoon,
he's the head
of light entertainment!
I'm worried about you.
Well you can stop worrying.
Because I’m not doing this anymore.
Oh, so you're giving
up on showbusiness are you?
No. I’m giving up on you.
Eventful night.
I didn’t know you smoked.
Nor did I.
I think I’ve screwed
things up with Ted Sargent.
I’d expect nothing less.
Den.
I think I’m a bit drunk.
Where to miss?
Hampstead please.
Goodnight, Sophie Straw.
Oh. I’m sorry I bailed;
I’m crap at goodbyes.
I’ll fetch you a drink.
Why did you do that?
Do what?
You shut the bedroom door.
Are you hiding someone?
Soph!
I
I’ve been offered a job in America.
What?
They’re creating a new drama and
they want me for the lead.
How could you not tell me that?
I just didn’t want to spoil the
last show for everyone.
Thoughtful.
Darling.
I’d be crazy to
turn this down.
Finley and O’Toole are both
working out there. They love it.
This could be great for both of us.
Both of us? What? I just drop
everything and come with you?
This is an amazing opportunity.
For you. Not for me.
I’m here doing what I
always wanted to do.
Sophie please
No!
I don’t want to drop everything and
start again in America as just some
anonymous blonde on your arm.
You're the most ambitious
person I've ever met.
You're the one who's leaving for
Hollywood in the morning
Soph, do you remember,
I once said to you,
that I’d never met anyone like you.
I meant it.
You’re amazing. A one off.
But if I stay
I'll just end up as a bit player in
the ‘Sophie Straw Show'.
Yeah, did you end with a
wallop? Big party and all that?
It was alright.
Any celebrities turn up?
No celebrities but we did have
one unexpected visitor.
Oh yeah? Do tell?
Are you alright?
Dad. Have you always told me the
truth about Mum?
Did she ever try to get in touch?
Why’re you asking?
I can’t talk now, Dad,
I’ve got to go.
Oh uh - Ying Tong iddle i
My long lost mother turns up and
everything turns to shit.
I’m so confused.
All the anger,
and the hurt, the years of hate,
it just feels like such a waste.
The thing is though, without her
going off there would have
been no rage, no fire in your
belly, no move to London.
You’d have been crowned
Miss Blackpool and yer mum
might have been sat there in a
deckchair, cheering you on.
But that would've been all that
wouldn't happened.
So I owe her everything and nothing.
But now what?
I’ve finally found what I’m good at
- and where’s it got me?
I've no agent, no boyfriend no job -
I’m right back where I started.
No. You’re not though. You're not.
My Group would say that this is you
on the cusp of your next chapter.
Sophie strikes out! The
future’s in your hands, Barb.
You got to grab it.
You think?
I mean I dunno do I - but it
sounded really good, didn't it?
What a wanker.
Couldn’t he
have told us to our faces?
I don’t blame Clive. He was always
slumming it with us in sitcom.
Don’t defend him Den. He is
an arsing pisscock.
What did Ted Sargent say?
That without it’s lead Jim and
Barbara faces an uncertain future.
Which translates as?
We’re fucked.
Den, you’re freaking me out.
Why’re you smiling?
God he's finally lost it.
Hide the knives.
Ted Sargent is not the
only comedy shop in town.
There’s a comedy shop in town?
Good, we can buy some new jokes.
Tony, grab some mugs.
I just had a rather interesting
conversation with The Other Side.
A deal? Are you absolutely
sure about this?
My sister Euphemia works in the
Chief Executive’s office over
at the Other Side.
They’ve made a very handsome offer.
Really? Dennis is a corporation man
down to his woollen socks.
Well Euphemia says they’re
drawing up contracts.
Already? That was quick.
Move with the times Ted. They’re
a commercial channel.
They pounce!
Get me Sophie Straw’s appalling
Agent on the phone.
She sacked him at the wrap party.
Eunice, is there anything
you don’t know?
When I’m getting a payrise?
Find out where Sophie Straw
is and I’ll give you one now.
Mr Sargent!
Oh, I didn't mean-
She’s on her way up.
Do- come in
I'll call Sophie and give her
the good news.
Once the cash rolls in
we’ll be bathing in champagne.
Ooh no mate. It’d
sting your nuts.
Soph’s going to fucking
love us forever!
Hello?
Hello Marjorie, this is Dennis.
May I please speak to Sophie?
She’s gone to see that Ted Sargent.
I thought you’d be with her?
Right.
Den? Den?
Den?
Den what's up?
I’m sorry if after the
show I was a little
Condescending? Rude. Though to be
fair I did tell you to ff
Well, quite.
We’d like to find you a new ‘Jim’!
I don’t want to make Jim and Barbara.
No Jim and Barbara?
No. No Jim.
Just Barbara?
That’s a great name for the show!
Where do I sign?
Earls Court please!
Dennis!
I just got us a show!
We start straight away!
What? No, we’ve got a show!
Who with?
The Other Side.
What? Why didn’t you tell me?
I’ve just signed a
contract with Ted Sargent.
So what do we do now?
Dennis.
What would you have said to me in
Blackpool?
If you’d had the chance?
I would have said, Sophie Straw.
I love you.
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