Futurama s01e06 Episode Script

Ahh! I can't take it anymore! They've been at it for hours! Give it a rest, you two! Sorry! A Fishful of Dollars Good morning, class.
I trust you've prepared for today's final exam.
Excuse me, I've missed a few lectures.
What subject is this? Ancient Egyptian algebra.
What a nightmare! Mr.
Fry, are those your underpants? Young man, it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed-brand briefs.
Lightspeed fits an active lifestyle, whether you're working or having fun.
Lightspeed.
Style and comfort for the discriminating crotch.
Oh! What a weird dream.
I'll never get back to sleep.
You say they broadcast commercials into people's dreams? - Of course.
- How is that possible? It's very simple.
The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg.
Although in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.
That's awful! It's like brainwashing.
- Weren't there ads in your time? - Well, sure.
But not in our dreams.
Only on TV and radio, and in magazines and movies, and at ball games and on buses and milk cartons, and bananas and written in the sky.
But not in dreams.
No, sirree.
Quit squawking.
Nobody's forcing you to buy anything.
We all have commercials in our dreams.
We don't run off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices.
Care to sample our fragrance from Calvin Clone? No, thanks.
- And you, sir? - No, thanks- What a lovely face! We just need to draw attention away from the eye area.
Cool! Can I try these on? I can't let you open the package.
But you can try on the demo pair.
Ooh! Ho, ho, ho.
Hi, Bender.
Great new sweater.
New?! What sweater? I came here with it.
I don't know you people.
$30, please.
$30! I can't afford that.
Unless Do you take Visa? Visa hasn't existed for 500 years.
- American Express? -600 years.
- Discover card? - Sorry, we don't take Discover.
Hey! You buying Lightspeeds? Pretty ritzy.
No.
I can't afford them.
Being poor sucks.
They advertise things nobody can afford.
Quiet! There's an ad coming on.
Hello, shoppers.
It's me, Mom.
Who's the rocker jockey? It's Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist.
When my robots start to squeak like an old screen door that's when I reach for a can of "Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil.
" Tasty.
And remember, Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand.
"Mom", "love", and "screen door" are trademarks of Mom Corp.
Sounds like you could use a little of that oil.
- I'm boned! - Freeze, scuzzbot! There's obviously been some sort of a mistake here.
I'm sure there's- I say, I'm sure there's- That is, I'm sure there's a very reasonable Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine? Crud! We're 50 cents short.
I'd love to chip in, but Bender stole my wallet.
That's my old bank! Maybe my account's still open.
We don't have your retina scan, fingerprint or colonic map on file.
I did open the account over 1000 years ago.
What about my ATM card? Remember your PIN number? It's the price of a pizza and soda where I used to work, Pinucci's Pizza.
Okay.
You had a balance of 93 cents.
All right! And at 2 percent interest over a period of 1000 years that comes to 4.
3 billion dollars.
To Fry! Cheers! I know Fry's rich, but do we have to wear these hats? Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is.
In fact, I think I better put on a monocle.
Pizza dinner on me! All right! Just keep the tab under 50 million dollars.
I haven't got all day.
What kind of pizza you guys want? We'll have one with everything but anchovies.
And one with my all-time favorite, anchovies.
Invalid selection.
What are you talking about? You know, those little headless fish.
Does not compute.
Does not compute.
I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200s.
- What?! - Oh, my, yes.
Fished to death.
About the time your people arrived, wasn't it, Zoidberg? I'm not on trial here.
So none of you ever had anchovies? You don't know what you're missing.
They're salty and oily, and they melt in your mouth- Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying, "One more can't hurt," and then they were gone.
We're sorry! I wish I could show you how great they were.
I'm rich, but I can't buy back things I miss from the 20th century.
Maybe you're forgetting how rich you are.
Huh? Huh? Yeah! Hmm? What do you think? I know you spent a lot of money, but it's awfully primitive.
The floors are made of such hard wood.
Hey, get a load of this pathetic 20th-century TV! What's wrong? Besides causing eye cancer, they had a lousy, low-definition picture.
True.
On this TV, I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo.
That's cute.
- Sold! - Yes! I just don't get it.
Who was this Ted Danson? Why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton? - I have an idea for a sitcom.
- Leave him alone, Leela.
So he's going wacko with his money.
It's okay.
You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy.
Yeah.
It is cute.
Now our final item.
This unopened can of Angry Norwegian-brand anchovies, circa 1997.
Anchovies! The last known can in existence, guaranteed fresh and edible.
Do I hear $10,000? -15,000! -20! -30.
No, 40! -50,000! - Are you crazy? It's a can of fish.
- Don't tell me how to spend my money.
-50.
Going once, twice- Oh, my God, it's Mom! I've never seen her in person before.
You can't bid against Mom.
She's the richest person in the world.
And she's so adorable.
Well, I suppose I could go as high as 300,000! -500! - Oh, mercy be.
A million.
- Two.
Fourteen.
- Six.
I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish.
Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million.
One jillion dollars! Sir, that's not a number.
In that case, 50 million.
Well, boys.
Your old mother knows when she's been beat.
You win, young man.
I tip my bonnet to you.
Isn't she sweet? What a class act! Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction.
Boo! Now for some good old Ahh! Do you remember when cookies came fresh from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers.
Oh, those were the days.
Remember when women couldn't vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
Fry, are you there? You haven't been to work in days.
What are you doing? Sitting right here.
I picked up my life where I left off 1000 years ago.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's 8:00.
Time to get busy.
You can't just sit here listening to classical music.
I could if you hadn't shut off the stereo.
This isn't healthy.
You're living in the past.
I'm rich.
I can live whenever I want.
But we're your friends, and we live here in the year 3000.
Now, are you gonna come to the squid fight with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk? Junk? Maybe you can't understand this but I finally found what I need to be happy.
Things, not friends.
I'm a thing.
Just leave me alone.
Fry, please! My ponytail's caught in the door.
I don't need them.
I have my antique videos and my bucket of fossilized KFC and 50 million dollars worth of anchovies.
Mercy me.
What a day.
Could you shut the door, Edner dear? I think I feel a draft coming on.
Holy crap! That bastard's itchy! Walt! Cream soda! Right away.
Larry, get your mother a cream soda.
But Mom said- You heard me.
- What's wrong, Mommy? - It's those damned anchovies! That dirtbag Fry must know their secret.
And I won't rest until I get my hands on them.
No one messes with Mom.
Quiet, you! As you know, one of the cornerstones of my empire is Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil.
Think of it.
Ten billion robots each one needing an oil change every 3000 miles.
You don't have to do the math to know that's a buttload of oil! Can I wear your suit? - No, Edner! Put that down! - Oh.
What's oil have to do with anchovies? I'm getting to the freaking anchovies.
One drop of the anchovy's natural oil would lubricate 10 robots permanently.
It's a shame they're extinct.
No, it isn't! Shut your filthy clam! Thank you, Walt.
If anyone ever got hold of anchovy DNA they could stick the oil-making gene in a bunch of Third-World kids, and bam! Cheap, effective robot oil.
Enough to put dear old Mom out of business.
My God! This Mr.
Fry must be a mastermind of the highest order.
Esther, you ugly! We have only one option.
We'll bankrupt Mr.
Fry so he'll have to sell the anchovies to us! Mother, you are one clever old skag.
And don't you forget it.
But how do we get Fry's money out of the bank? That'll be easy, thanks to the nice people at Mom's Old Fashioned Video Surveillance Unit.
Remember your PIN number? It's the price of a pizza and soda where I used to work, Pinucci's Pizza.
It's the price of a pizza and soda- - You know what needs to be done.
- What? Get his PIN number, you idiots! Now I'm off to some charity B.
S.
for knocked-up teenage sluts.
Mr.
Fry, it's those three plumbers you called for.
We're here to tighten your drains.
I didn't order any- Quick! Give him the tranquilizer! That's a good boy.
Wake up, Mr.
Fry.
Where am I? You're in the good old year 2000, working at Pinucci's Pizza.
You fell asleep on the job.
That sounds like me.
But I thought I got frozen.
Wasn't I in the future? No.
You only dreamed you were in the year 3000.
So I'm really back? That's exactly what I wanted, I guess.
- Who are you? - I'm Mr.
Pinucci.
You are? Did you grow a mustache since last night? No! Go work the currency register.
I think I hear a customer coming.
I said, I think I hear a customer coming! Oh, hurry.
I want to get back to the head museum.
Don't worry.
This won't take long.
Your motivation is you're back in 2000 and your head's still on your body and you want a cheese pizza.
I'm only doing this so people will take my head seriously as an actress.
Hey, look.
Anchovies.
Of course.
They're not extinct yet.
And if you need more proof that this is really 1000 years ago well, here's contemporary actress, Pamela Anderson.
Ooh.
Hello, Fry.
Remember me from Baywatch: The Movie? Uh It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow motion! It hasn't been made yet.
- Then he doesn't know I won the Oscar? - Nope.
Wait! You're Pamela Anderson! Cool! What can I get you? I'll have a cheese pizza and a large - Line! - Soda! Oh, right! Cheese pizza and a large soda.
Cheese and a- - That was quick.
- So, what do I owe you? $10.
77, same as my PIN number.
Hey, you don't get to laugh.
Thanks a billion! More like 4.
3 billion.
- Ow! - Ow! I had a nightmare.
I was in the year I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're here.
So you care about us? You only care about anchovies and stuffy old songs about buttocks.
No, that's not true! Goodbye! Whee! This dream brought to you by Lightspeed! Bender! Leela! Don't leave me! Wait a minute.
Buddy, what year is this? Uh, 3000.
Life is wonderful! What are you doing with my stuff? Check bounced.
We're taking it all back.
Oh, no.
My ATM card! My secret PIN number, 1077.
I've got nothing left.
Except You're Fry's relative.
Do you know how he got so crazy? What? They say madness runs in our family.
Some even call me mad.
And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters! Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of Leela! Bender! I missed you so much.
You did? What happened? I was robbed.
They got everything except these.
Who did? Hello, Fry.
It's Mom! I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles.
I thought I could help out a sweet, young man by buying his anchovies.
Sorry, but they aren't for sale.
What? Listen, you little bastard! I control the robot-oil business! I won't let you ruin me! How much? Put that checkbook away, because I've discovered something more important.
My friends.
And they aren't worth even a penny to me.
That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza so I can share the food I love with the people I like.
Holy hell! You're going to eat them? Well, just make sure you eat them all.
You're a growing boy.
Toodle-loo! - Dumb ass.
- What a nice lady! Okay, my friends.
Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
I don't know.
I've had cow.
Gross! Mmm.
No one likes them at first.
They'll grow on you.
That stench! That heavenly stench! More.
There's no more.
There never will be.
More! More! More!