Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e06 Episode Script

- What? - Is it weird having boobs? - Yes.
- I figured.
Do you Do you use your boobs for good or for evil? - One for each.
- All right.
So, did I tell you that my ex-husband wants to buy our son a dirt bike? Wow, that's awesomely bad Awesomely bad idea.
Ronnie wants to have our son do all of these dangerous things like take kickboxing and get a BB gun and go out for musical theater.
Well, musical theater isn't dangerous.
It still scares me.
Listen, I'm sorry your ex-husband bothers you, okay? He upsets me, too.
You know what we should do? Just to show him, we should watch the rest of this game butt naked.
Come on, let's take our clothes off and we'll show that guy.
All right, I gotta go.
My best friend Stephanie is graduating from beauty school, so the gang's getting together tonight at my bar.
- Girls' night out, huh? - No, the guys will be there, too.
Snake and Dunker and Hammer and Dave.
Dave? Wow.
What kind of a name is Dave? I'd invite you to come along, but I really kind of want you to meet them one-on-one 'cause they're kind of tough in a crowd, you know? No worries.
And they're really protective of me ever since Ronnie and I got a divorce.
Yeah, of course they are.
And whenever anybody new wanders in the pack, they I don't wanna go.
I mean, I would go, but there's a lot of stuff for me to do here.
You're gonna sit around and think about what it's like to have boobs, aren't you? - Yes, I am.
- Okay.
I'd use mine for evil.
Hey.
Here are the kids, right on time.
Hey, guys.
How was your dad's house, huh? - Awful.
Dad made us eat healthy.
- What? And he forced us to exercise.
And the only stuff he'd let us watch on TV was violent.
Tommy, non-violent.
What's the point of rehearsing it on the whole drive over here if you're gonna choke? It's all right.
Okay, guys, go put your stuff away and wash off the weekend you had with your dad, okay? What's going on here? Tiny food, flowers.
Oh, my gosh.
Did Krandall die? I'm alive and well, Gary, thanks to my Scandinavian genes and a diet rich in omega-3s.
Omega-3s.
Look at Krandall.
Seeing sorority chicks on the side.
Nice.
That's raw chicken, Gary.
So, what is going on here? Walter and I are having a little party tonight to celebrate his brilliant new book.
It's called Round Two of Your Life.
It's a how-to guide focusing on new relationships after divorce.
Wow, that sounds amazing.
I can't wait to not read it.
You know what, Gary? You actually should read it.
You can always take a couple of aspirins afterwards for your thinking headache.
There's a whole chapter on the importance of being accepted into your new partner's social circle.
So, tonight, we're celebrating my new book and introducing Allison to my oldest and dearest friends.
- Yeah.
- Oldest and Wow.
That's great.
Sounds like a who's who of who's left.
Are you this funny when you're making walls a different color? That's good.
My friends are gonna adore you tonight, Mango.
Thank you, Cranberry.
So, you're gonna meet all of Cranberry's posse tonight, huh? You know what, Gary? Tonight, meeting Walter's friends is a very important moment in my relationship with Walter.
I think you're just jealous because your relationship with Vanessa isn't as far along as mine.
Hey, let me tell you something.
My relationship kicks your relationship's ass.
- Oh, Is that right? - Yeah.
What? You've already met Vanessa's friends? - Yes, I have.
Of course I have.
- Really? I don't think so.
- Yes.
Well, I have.
- Really? - Really.
- Okay, fine.
What are their names? - What? Of what? Her friends? - Yeah.
- Her friends are What? - Yeah.
Monica, Chandler, Joey, he's dim but likeable.
Poor Gary.
You know what? I'm so sorry that Vanessa hasn't introduced you to any of her friends.
You know, maybe Vanessa's just waiting for one of her girlfriends to get a boyfriend who's worse than you.
For your information, she told me that her friends are pretty protective since her divorce, - so we're just taking it easy.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That's exactly what I would say if I didn't want my friends to meet you.
But then she went on to say, "Why don't you come hang out with all my friends tonight?" - So that's what I'm - Really? - Yeah.
That's what I'm doing.
- Where you going, Central Perk? - No.
- No? It's at a bar.
All her friends are gonna be there 'cause one of her closest girlfriends graduated beauty school.
We're gonna have a big party.
Wow.
Well, I hope it goes better than the first time you met my friends.
You remember that? Huh? You completely embarrassed yourself.
You ran in the bathroom and climbed out the window and then you fled.
Yeah.
I did not fled.
The door got stuck, I had to go out the window.
Right? And then once I was outside, I just I chose to go home.
Sure, Gary.
Hey, listen, have a Bengay old time at your party tonight, okay? If the conversation lags, just talk about the last great tomato you had.
Oh, I love a good tomato.
Raw, cooked, grilled, sun-dried, succulent or stuffed with crab meat.
I love crab meat.
Here's to Stephanie, for finally making it through all six months of beauty school.
Now, none of us will ever have to pay for highlights again! Is there a barber in the house? Uh-oh.
I got a hair emergency.
I need a perm.
I need a perm.
Gary, hey.
What a surprise.
I wasn't expecting to see you.
Yeah.
What's up? I was just in the hood and I thought I would holla.
Wassup? Oh, yeah! What is wrong with that man? Everybody, this is the guy that I've been seeing, Gary.
Gary, this is Oh, no, hold on.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
Hold on a second.
That's Dunker.
That's Dave.
That's Stephanie.
Actually, I'm Dave.
That's Dunker.
And I'm Stephanie.
Okay.
Hey, how about you guys all switch seats? That way I'm still right.
I'll talk to you in a minute.
What? I thought that you didn't want to meet my friends.
Well, you said your friends were pretty rough.
I figured I'd come in and just let them get to know me.
Everybody likes me.
Relax.
Everybody loves me.
I know.
I just wish you would have given me some warning so I could've put their muzzles on.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll be real still.
I'll let them sniff my hand first.
It'll be okay.
I promise.
- Okay.
- Okay? Hey, Ira.
Vanessa, the private party upstairs wants to see a manager.
Yeah, but I'm not working tonight.
Can't Ed take care of it? Ed went to his girlfriend's place of work to meet her friends.
It's a very important step in a relationship.
This'll only take a minute.
Do you want to come with me? No.
That's okay.
I'll be I'll be down here and I'm gonna chill with your peeps.
Okay.
Good luck.
But just don't say "chill" or "peeps.
" All right.
Vanessa, huh? She's pretty awesome.
But you guys already knew that because you're the gang.
And you're the famous Gary who painted Vanessa's condo.
That's right.
You know, this is a funny story.
I was painting a condo in her building.
She needed a painter for her condo.
I was available.
I wound up painting her condo.
That's how we met.
Why is that a funny story? Uh It's not really.
I You know what? I probably should have said true story.
Yeah, but there's nothing about it anyone would ever doubt.
I should have just said story.
So, Stephanie.
Hey! All right! The graduate.
Congrats.
That's great.
That's good.
You know, you don't look at all like a stereotypical hairstylist at all.
- What does that mean? - You know, the stereotypical hairstylist.
The gossiping, the gum chewing.
"Oh, my God.
And then she totally, like, slept with Tucker.
" You never heard them talk like that? They got the crazy eye shadow, the big long nails.
Like these? No.
Longer than that.
Like Guinness-Book-Record long nails.
I'm gonna go to the bar.
Do you guys need anything while I'm up? 'Cause I'm up and you guys are obviously not even looking at me at all.
Everyone look down at their phones.
Perfect.
You're all under my command.
Hey, bartender, can I get a beer, a tall one? And then maybe take the corkscrew and stab me in the face.
Rough night? Huh? Oh.
Yeah.
You could say that.
Met my girlfriend's friends for the first time.
You know what you should do after this? Get a root canal so your day ends on a positive note.
How long you been divorced? - Six months.
Is it that obvious? - Kind of.
I was there a couple years ago.
Does it ever go away? Well, here's the thing.
No.
Vanessa says she's gonna be a little while.
Okay.
And she said not to add the word "izzle" to anything.
You know Vanessa, huh? Yeah.
She's my new girlfriend.
Are you a friend of Vanessa's, too? Yeah.
I'm Mitch.
Hey, Mitch.
I'm Gary.
I met Vanessa I was painting a condo in her building and then she needed her condo painted, so I did.
- That's how we met.
- That's a funny story.
I know, right? - The first guests have arrived.
- Okay.
I only need a couple more seconds.
I have to finish toasting these sesame seeds, and if you cook them for, like, a second too long Oh, crap! You didn't finish your sentence, dear.
What happens if you cook them for too long? Walter, honey, I just need three more minutes, okay? You've been working since early this morning.
Are these sesame seeds even necessary? Okay, you know what? No, Walter.
Sesame chicken skewers don't need sesame.
In fact, hell, why do we even need the skewers? You know what we should do? We should hurl a bunch of chicken at our guests when they walk in the room.
Oh, crap, Walter! Honey, I'm thrilled that you're so excited about this, but I want you to make sure to relax and have fun.
Relax and have fun? Why the hell would you say that to me? I'm sorry.
Sometimes I just spout off.
Walter, I can't relax now, okay? I just Do you know how long I have waited to be part of a group like this? I mean, educated, intelligent people who travel and read books and who don't quote Caddyshack on a daily basis.
I'm sorry.
I should have understood how important this is to you.
But I assure you, the evening is gonna - be beautiful.
- Okay.
And who's the author of this Caddyshack? Is it worth me reading? God, do I love you.
Crap.
But it looks like you're back on the horse, huh? I mean, you're already meeting Vanessa's friends.
Yeah.
I don't have a lot in common with them, though.
I mean, Dunker and Hammer and Snoopy.
I don't know.
- Yeah, they're kind of the odd squad.
- Mmm-hmm.
What do you think of Stephanie? I like her nails.
I could do without the attitude.
Yeah.
Stephanie's kind of a nightmare.
Yeah.
I kind of agree with you.
- So, when did you meet Vanessa? - A month after my divorce.
Wow.
You don't waste time.
No.
You know, I probably jumped in too fast.
I should be out there playing the field, but I mean, come on, it's Vanessa.
- She's super hot.
- Yeah.
What are you doing here? I'm talking to your friend Mitch.
This guy's awesome.
I thought I told you to let me know if you were ever gonna be in here.
I can come in here any time I want 'cause it's open to the public.
Am I right, Gary? Huh? I Yeah.
I don't know.
What's wrong? What's wrong? This is my ex-husband.
What? That's Ronnie? He said his name was Mitch.
Ronnie Mitchell.
My friends call me Mitch.
Well, that's confusing.
Gary, why are you talking to my ex-husband? I didn't know that was Ronnie.
He told me his name was Mitch.
I never would've talked to him if he'd told me his name was really Ronnie.
I admit I was unclear on that point.
What? And now you think he's, like, a great guy? No, but he's the first guy all night to talk to me like I was a human being.
Gary hates your friends.
- What? - Especially Stephanie.
- Who hates me? - Gary.
No.
I don't! - He said you were a nightmare.
- You said she was a nightmare.
- You agreed.
- I kind of agreed.
All right, Stephanie, I'm sure that Gary didn't say anything like that.
- What's going on? - Gary hates us.
He does not hate you guys.
- He called you "the odd squad.
" - What's happening here? - I'm going on record.
I don't like him.
- Me, either.
All right, you guys, you always do this.
Gary is a good guy.
You can't trust Ronnie.
- He's a total snake.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Vanessa.
Well, why don't you ask your good guy here why he said he rushed into this relationship too soon and he'd rather be playing the field? - Uh-oh.
- Awkward.
All right, Gary did not say that.
Gary, tell them.
Dude, what's your problem? Did you really say that, Gary? - Did you, Gary? - Yeah.
Be honest.
- What the hell you doing? - Ira, thank God you're here.
- I can't tell how high up I am.
- I wouldn't risk it.
- I'm losing my grip.
- I'll never make it to you in time.
Why didn't you tell me it was only two inches? 'Cause I rarely get to laugh when I take out the trash.
They are loving the sesame chicken skewers, Mom.
I know.
Everything's going so well, I feel like I should have bluebirds and squirrels singing songs and helping me out, yeah? You know, Cinderella, hiring adults at a living wage is also an option.
- God, they drink a lot.
- Well It's like spring break for really old people out there.
If they start doing body shots, I quit.
Okay.
Honey.
Honey, you're doing such a great job.
Professor Meyers needs another grasshopper.
Okay, I'm in the weeds here, Mom.
- I don't have time for blended drinks.
- Okay.
Allison, everyone is having a wonderful time.
- The food is perfect.
- I know.
- The house is beautiful.
- Isn't it, though? Gosh.
There is one tiny thing, though.
It's barely worth mentioning.
What is it? Is it Tom? Yeah, he's never bartended for this many people before.
It's not that.
Apparently, you've been telling everyone that my book - is the penultimate book on divorce.
- Well, it is.
I know you mean that in the nicest possible way, but penultimate doesn't mean "best.
" It means "second to last.
" What? Oh, no.
Oh, God, no.
It can't mean that.
It's a common mistake, really.
I hear it all the time when I do outreach work in shelters and jails.
- Are you all right? - But I I've been I've been using "penultimate" all night.
I said it about Christmas and giving birth and my freshman year of college.
Now they all think I didn't graduate.
Oh, God! - Allison, everyone makes mistakes.
- What? No.
You know what, Walter? They don't.
PhDs and lawyers don't make mistakes.
- Only high-school dropouts and me.
- And I.
"High-school dropouts and I.
" Or me.
You know, either is really acceptable.
I don't know why I thought I could do this, Walter.
Thanks a lot, Allison.
It's all your fault, and because of his stupid book, you guys have wrecked everything between me and Vanessa.
Yeah? Yeah, well, 15 years of living with you has made me dumb.
This whole thing is your fault! - What the hell just happened? - I was hoping you could tell me.
All I did was criticize her on one minor thing.
You criticized Allison on a night like tonight? Hey, do yourself a favor, pal, sleep with one eye open.
Sadly, I do.
It's a family affliction.
Allison.
Allison, open up! I know you're in there! Go away! Look, don't stick your head in the tiny oven, okay? I'm serious, Gary.
If you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of this house! If I knew what was good for me, I would have stayed out of your pants! - Now, open up! - No! - No way.
- All right, I'm coming in.
Hey.
Hey.
Quit it.
Not Stop throwing tiny china at me! You're making a tiny mess! - You made me stupid, Gary.
- What does that even mean? Look, all those years of living with you with the zombie movies, and the video games and the zombie movies based on video games.
I did not make you stupid.
But you made me make a fool out of myself in front of Vanessa and all her friends.
And then her ex-husband ambushed me.
Hang on.
Why is any of that my fault? Because you always make me do things that I don't wanna do.
Whether you know it or not, you make me do it.
Yeah, well, you know what? Big deal.
You were an idiot in front of Vanessa's friends.
I doubt any of them are rocket scientists, of which there are several in my house right now laughing at me.
Why? I used the word "penultimate" wrong all night.
Why would you even use that word? Why wouldn't you just say "best"? Do you see, Gary? This whole thing is your fault.
- Jeez.
Stop hitting me.
- Every What is with all the commotion? We can hear you inside the house.
I'm coming in the window.
I'm coming in the door.
I'm coming in the door.
You two have got to stop acting like children.
She threw plates She threw plates at me, Krandall.
I told him not to come in! Oh, God.
Enough of this.
Sit down! Don't you see what's happening here? Whenever either of you get into trouble, you seek each other out.
- No, we don't.
- No, we don't! Gary, you had a disastrous evening and you raced to Allison's house.
Allison, you sought refuge in the one place you knew Gary would come and look for you.
Ironically, the way you two lean on each other now is the very thing that would have saved your marriage.
As your therapist, I wish I would have discovered it earlier, but as Allison's fiancé, Gary, back the hell off! - I'm getting kind of sick of this.
- Calm down, Krandall.
It's like being yelled at by one of those giant dipping birds.
I'm going back in the house.
I want you two to sit here and think about what you've done.
And when you're ready to start acting like adults, you can come back inside.
- Your dad's really P.
O.
'd.
- Oh, stop it.
You know, I gotta tell you, in this tiny house, your boobs look huge.
Gary, don't try to get on my good side.
I'm still mad at you.
Look, inside that house, there's a great party going on.
You made all the food, you made people happy, the house looks fantastic.
No one's gonna remember that you used a word wrong.
- I know that - How do you know that? How do I know that? Your bartender's using jelly jars for shot glasses.
Those people are hammered.
They're not gonna remember anything.
But me They're gonna remember everything I did wrong.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me you climbed out a window again.
- Yes, I did.
- Gary.
Do you think you rushed into things with Krandall too soon? Are you asking me if I think you moved too quickly with Vanessa? Yeah, but I'm doing it in a tricky way where you think I'm talking about you.
Well, I don't think I did, but I knew what I was looking for.
Do you know what you're looking for, Gare? That's a big question for a little house.
Hey.
Um When your friends didn't like me, what did I do to fix it? You didn't have to do anything.
I didn't care what my friends thought of you.
Thanks.
Here's a toast to you, the penultimate ex-wife.
It sounds like it should be good, right? - It's got "ultimate" right in it.
- I know.
We actually had somebody in the bathroom searching for you stall to stall.
Sorry.
I panicked.
I felt like I was being ambushed in there.
Well, I warned you, you know? But if you would've stuck around for five minutes, you would've seen everyone turn on Ronnie and ask what happened to you.
Really? You know, I thought that might happen.
I thought Dunker and me kind of had a vibe going.
But I asked you a question in the bar.
Do you think that we jumped into this too fast? Yes, I do.
But, hey, I wouldn't want it any other way.
- Really? - Really.
So you don't want to be playing the field? Not if you're not in it.
You're thinking about boobs again, aren't you? I don't have to think about them, I'm feeling them.