Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s01e06 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase
the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Hi! I'm Terry Clinger.
Welcome to the show.
Let's meet Linda. Linda says she's
fed up with her husband Tom spending
far too much time away from home.
She says he's having an affair with
a woman she's never met.
She says enough is enough.
Hi, Linda.
Hi, Terry.
- Tell me about this woman. - She's
called Gloria and she's a - BEEP - slut.
- You've been married?
- Five years.
- How old are you?
- 18.
Now, Linda,
some people say Tom is gay.
- Bull - BEEP! - If he was gay, why'd he
spend so much time at hers?
He's been there
every night this week.
Are we ready to meet Tom?
ALL: Yes!
Bring him on.
- Hi, Terry. - Hi, Tom.
Welcome to the show.
So, Tom, you're not gay?
- You know I is, Linda. - Tell it to
the hand, explain it to the finger.
- Linda says you've been spending
a lot of time with Gloria. - I have.
- She's my FRIEND. - You sleep with
a friend?! - I do not, mother - BEEP!
All right, folks. All right now.
Now, settle down. Settle down,
folks.
I know you're upset Linda?
- He goes with her because she takes
it up the - BEEP! - Don't go there!
No man parks his car in MY basement.
Are we ready to meet Gloria?
NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Thomas?
I've made you a spot of breakfast.
Enter!
Oh, you silly fat tart!
Oh, but look,
is this for me, though?
Breakfast in bed for my favourite
flatmate.
Good title for a show,
Breakfast In Bed.
A cookery-cum-chat pre-9am show on
Channel 5. Must call Kirsty Young.
- It's a fantastic idea. - Mm
- Wait, wait, wait. You're in a
generous mood. - I'm always generous.
Sleeping with a Big Issue vendor
doesn't make you Queen of Hearts,
all right?
Oh, look! There's a dog hair.
It's auburn. It's one of mine.
Precisely what I meant.
Well, Linda,
you've surpassed yourself.
I didn't even know you could cook.
Jerry Hall said a good woman
had to be a slut in the kitchen
and a chef in the bedroom
She always did talk shit,
didn't she?
Hey, Lindy, look at us - same bed.
I could count on my right hand
the number of women
I've been in bed with.
- Used to jump in with mother
on cold mornings. - Really? - Yes.
Don't want to talk about it. Nearly
went to bed with Stephanie Beacham.
- Couldn't you go through with it?
- No, I didn't get the part. - Aw.
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.
I was up for Brick.
Lovely theatre, Westcliff-on-Sea.
Robert Carlyle always gets my parts,
the bastard!
The day he retires,
my career's gonna soar.
- You'd have been
brilliant as Hamish Macbeth. - I know.
- SCOTTISH ACCENT:
- Aye, there's a cold fog comin' in.
And little, um Toto.
I think we're stranded till teatime.
- So poetic, them Scotch, ain't they?
- Yes, they are.
This is nice, innit?
What is?
Us two, sat here chatting,
chewing the cud.
Well, it beats sticking pins
in your eyes, I suppose.
I think it's really lovely.
Oh, stop it at once! You're getting
snot all over my elkskin rug.
- Aren't you gonna ask me
why I'm upset? - No!
Get out, you overemotional slutbag!
- I bet you're not this horrible
to whatshername. - Who? - Thingy!
- You're always round at her place.
- You mean Gloria? - Yeah, Gloria!
What, so I can't have friends now?
I've got to eke out the rest of my
days
with some ginger fag hag with
enough cellulite to cover Japan?
You used to be lovely to me!
Well, people change, OK?!
I bet Gloria'll change
when you move in with her!
I know you're planning to.
I can feel it in me water!
I'm not gonna move in with her!
No?
No, Lindy.
You silly little kumquat.
- I'm gonna marry her. - Great
- WHAT?! - I'm going to marry her.
I was going to tell you. I was.
Are you a tad upset? You are a bit,
aren't you?
You're taking it very
well, though, Lindy. Very well
AR-R-R-R-R-GH!
Don't you dare! Stop it!
Linda!
NO! That was carved by the elbows
of an ancient fingerless tribe!
Not Simon Shepherd!
Bitch!
Back, back, back, back.
My bedroom's doing
a nice impression of Beirut. Thanks.
- Hypocrite! - If you give me five
minutes, I can explain it to you.
Are you not a big fat homosexual?
- Well, - I - wouldn't put it
quite like that, no.
- How would you put it then?
- I'm a gay man.
"I'm a gay man!" So why are you
marrying a woman, then, you wanker?
Gloria is a lesbian.
Eurgh! Turns my stomach!
We're not getting married
because we're riddled with some
sort of internalised homophobia
Don't bamboozle me with big words!
Just shut up!
Honestly, this is just ridic'.
You won't even let me explain!
You want me to shut up? OK, I shall
zip up my mouth and (shut up)!
Eurgh, little queenie strop!
You won't be able to do that
when you are married.
Gloria won't like that.
Gloria is American.
So's Charles Manson.
Don't mean he's perfect.
She lives here with her girlfriend.
Eurgh! What does she think
of you two getting spliced?
She's bridesmaid.
- You've joined one of 'em cults.
- Stupid. - You can't brainwash me.
I might have had more pricks
than Kerplunk,
but I ain't joining
no happy-clappy bunch of zombies!
- That's a stupid thing to say.
- You are!
You're trying to brainwash me!
If I was joining a cult, the last
person I'd want in it would be you!
What's this?
The Gloria Bibbel Bible!
Let me explain. I will keep it
to words of one syllable, OK?
Have you seen the movie Green Card?
- Yes! - Yes, you have. Right.
Well, I'm Andie MacDowell
and she is Gerard Depardieu. She is.
Who am I?
I'm gonna marry her so she can stay
here and be with her girlfriend.
- Eugh! Is Andie MacDowell a lesbian?
She looks like me! - No!
I need this so we can prove
to the authorities
we know each other intimately.
I'll give you an example. Um
Favourite colour.
Nipple pink.
- Not you - Gloria. - How do - I - know?
I've never even met the bitch.
GOD!
- Just how stupid can one person be?!
- You've never met my cousin Velma.
I wouldn't expect you
to go on Mastermind
answering questions about her!
I am going to marry Gloria
so she can stay in this country
and live with her beloved!
OK? End of story!
Some story! It's more confusing
than Hansel And Gretel!
Hansel And Gretel's not confusing!
When did you last stay in a house
you could eat?!
It twists children's minds,
that does.
So
So, Tom, are you still gay?
If I could be stuck in a lift with
Shirley Williams or Robbie Williams,
I think I'd plump for Robbie.
ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION!
YE-E-E-E-S!
I'm still gay!
So when's this bloody wedding then?
- Um, next Saturday.
- What?! - I was going to tell you.
You're marrying some dykey bitch
I've never seen on Saturday!
Tomorrow, she's coming for a dress
fitting. Degsy's doing the dress.
Degsy does dresses for drag queens.
Yes, but you haven't seen Gloria.
My brain!
What?
Well, according to this,
you're clinically dead.
DOORBELL
Go and see what she looks like.
Is she built
like a brick shithouse?
She looks like Geoff Capes
in slingbacks.
- Have a butchers.
- I'm too weak to walk.
I used to be like that
after a busy day at the sauna.
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
Why are they so excited?
It's only a marriage of convenience.
Beryl's wondering
whether Linda's jealous.
Linda's wondering
if Beryl wants a slap.
Pop through and see the young
damsel.
That might relieve your symptoms.
I would if I could, but I'm dying.
I've got an 'orrible taste in
my mouth. How d'you explain that?
This thermometer hasn't been washed
since Rene's cat had mumps.
I'm gonna be late. I'm up in Kentish
Town with my sister,
dress fitting for the big day.
I'll see you at six.
Did you get those Polaroids of Cindy
with the donkey?
..Yeah. Yeah. Cool.
Just don't let the animal rights
guys see them OK, ciao.
Bloody 'ell, she IS butch.
Hi. You must be Linda. Great jugs.
You cheeky bitch.
- Vince Muncher - I'm Gloria's
brother. - Oh-h-h!
I thought there was
something cocky about you.
I'm based in the States.
I make programmes for an adult
entertainment channel. My card.
Oh! Fanny Fix-Up.
Yeah. It's our most successful show.
It's a bit like Blind Date,
only we film the sex as well.
- Are you looking for contestants?
- Does the bear shit in the woods?
- What is my favourite meal
from the chip shop? - Battered cod.
- Chinese takeaway?
- ..Hello, Lindy. Feeling better?
- ..Chicken chow mein. - ..Gloria. Hi.
..Italian?
Second generation Irish.
- Spaghetti carbonara? - Vongole.
Vongole. Fish I eat, meat I don't.
We heard.
- Get me a coffee. - What?!
Black. Would you like to be
our bridesmaid?
Would you like a slap in the mouth?
- Coffee. - Shaddap.
I've got a thing about bridesmaids.
So ripe for the pluckin'.
Sat up there on the top table, bit
of cake dribbling down their chin.
Gets me every fricking time.
I'll do it.
Oh, carrumba. Who let the dickheads
from downstairs in?
- Hi, cats! - Which scatterbrain lost
this? - The Tom Bible. - I'll have it.
- Don't you dare read that!
- What does this say?
Tom thinks the most sexiest person
on TV is Gaby Roslin.
- Oh, you liar!
- No, I do, I think she's sexy.
You only stick your hand
down your pants for Robson Green.
Same 'ere!
Hey
Tom, you left the most favourite
sexual experience bit blank.
It won't impress the authorities -
rubbing against Ainsley Harriot's
bottom on a night flight to Munich.
You can use our best sexual
experience if you like.
Pen. Pen. OK, best sexual
experience. Spit it out.
There was a time when we were on an
accountancy course in Leatherhead.
Do you know Leatherhead?
Is it something to do with S and M?
No.
Yes, it was!
Let me write it down.
It's a little bit embarrassing.
Favourite hobby - football?
Wanting to sniff Michael Owen's
jockstrap does not make you a fan.
I'm often to be found on a Saturday,
feet up on the three-piece,
can in hand, cheering Beckham on.
But it's "ON my head, Beckham",
not, "GIVE me head, Beckham".
Um, is handcuffs hyphenated?
- So many room-mates. Do you want to
be bridesmaid too? - No! ..Get out!
Oh, get off the programme, honey.
You're upset cos I'm using your flat
for the fitting. Tough shit.
I want my outfit to be a surprise
for India.
We're getting global coverage. Fab!
Don't be bloody stupid!
You know India is her girlfriend.
- That's India. - That's eczema.
She'll be bridesmaid with you.
DOORBELL
Tinnitus, is that stress?
- That's Degsy. - I'll take a Valium.
Oh, take the whole bottle, love.
That's as much as I can remember.
In order to be really graphic,
we should pop down to Leatherhead
and re-enact the whole thing.
What, now?
- You've still got the electrodes?
- In my clutch bag Ciao, peeps!
- See you at the wedding. - Bye, cats.
- Oi, Vince, where are you going?
Leatherhead.
No, stand, stand.
Are we over-blessed bottom-wise?
I'm thinking bustle, mermaid,
fish scoop, fan tail, chain mail.
I'm thinking up here, down there,
quieten down the noisy cleavage with
some costume jewellery.
This is Degsy.
Haute couture to the stars - Bonnie
Langford, Lonnie Donegan -
I put 'em
all in maxi pants, made them huge.
Degsy's doubling as my best man.
Uh-huh. One thing -
I'm not wearing a dress.
I'm wearing a suit.
- Linda, smelling salts. - What?
- Eh? - I'm fine. What did she say?
Don't worry, Degs, I'll sort it.
Glo, a word of advice
from your chief bridesmaid.
We know you're a refugee from
the People's Republic of Lesbania.
National costume - check shirt and
clumpy boots,
but it is law in this
country that brides wear a dress.
I've a rare skin disorder. I cannot
expose my legs to the light.
It's common in lesbians.
You don't want India sitting home
alone with a TV dinner.
That's what
will happen if this marriage fails.
- OK, I'm gonna shoot from the hip.
- Eurgh!
Degsy, think subtle. I got great
tits. It'd be a shame to miss 'em.
- Stick Linda in a body bag. - Eh?
Registry office then back here.
I want lights, balloons.
I want
a women-only space in the kitchen.
I want KD Lang,
but I don't think I'll get her.
And I know you guys are English, but
I'm saying no right now to karaoke.
'Ere you go.
Good old traditional English
breakfast - cuppa tea and a fag.
Still as hilarious as heart disease.
- Did ya sleep well? - Not a wink.
- Should've taken a sleeping tablet.
After last time?
4am in the medicine cabinet,
took an E by mistake.
Spent the night telling my posters
I love them.
- What's this? - Oh, it's photos
of me and Degsy when we were 18.
- You haven't changed. - Thanks.
- Neither's Degsy.
You get that with mates -
the fit one and the ugly one.
My best mate was a right bloodhound.
Right! Thanks very much.
I don't know how you can fancy that
Degsy. He's camper than a big van.
I shall pretend I didn't hear that.
I've seen the looks you give him.
I won't look. Just cos you fancy
your best mate,
don't mean we all do.
Not that you're my best mate.
The only other person you speak to
regularly, you say four words to -
"John Player Special, please."
- At least - I - speak when I go out.
- I - don't wander round Albert Square
with a shopping bag. Extra! Extra!
Get your bridesmaid's dress on!
Yeah. Better make myself
look beautiful for Vince.
Did you see the looks he gave me?
He's in porn.
I was born to be on the top shelf.
- You? - I've the body of a 14-year-old.
Which one? Billy Bunter?
Hello.
No! No! No!
Beryl, Beryl, I can't do this.
Be brave, be bold.
- Be butch! - Be butch.
I can do this. I can. Yes, I can.
- OK, Linda? - Yeah, I'm fine, India.
Will you stop lookin' at me tits?!
All the best.
Sorry. Do you have any
pleasantly smelling lavatorial
facilities close to hand?
Need to shake my lettuce!
ORGAN PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH
Back!
Get off me, India! God!
She looks likes a film star!
I'm often mistaken
for a ginger Uma Thurman.
- Where did the dogs come from?
- New York and Dalston.
Shh! The sooner we get on with this,
the sooner I can go to the toilet!
If anyone present knows any reason
why these two people should not
be joined in wedded matrimony,
speak now or forever hold your
peace.
GASPS
- Come on. I'm baking. - Come on!
I now pronounce you man and wife.
ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING MARCH
You may kiss the bride.
I'd rather tongue the bridesmaid.
Oi, on your bike. I'm not a dyke.
This is MC Littlewood sending out
a special 78 to all you conjugal
groovesters out there.
This is my own personal remix
of that horny-haired pop minstrel
Prodigy and Edelweiss!
..Oh, no, it's not!
It's the Dooleys.
You're right, Vince.
The camera loves me.
- I need to get a studio in London.
- I hope you got the right equipment.
Chop me off at the knees
and call me tripod.
OK, crazy alley cats,
it's time to chuck the bluebells.
Wifey, take it away!
Cut the wisecracks, big guy.
- Watch how high I can bounce, baby.
- OK, I'm gonna throw.
- Get out. - Here's my wig maker's
number. You need it more than I do.
NO! It's my flat! It's my flat!
You and I need to talk.
I got a proposition I wanna make.
Oh, I hope it's not risque!
Oh, there you are.
You know, if I was poor and working
class, I'd say, "Penny for 'em".
- Go back and enjoy the party. - No. We
can have our own party right here.
Degs, do you remember this?
Walk up to the phone box
Walk up to the phone box
Pick up the receiver
Pick up the receiver
Take the baby for a walk ♪
No?
What's the matter?
Degs! Desiree! Desdemona!
- What? - Know what? You should get
married too. It's bloody fantastic.
Tom? I've got a confession to make.
It was you who stole my spandex
boob tube in 1982! I forgive you!
- I'm serious. - Then who stole it?!
- Tom? - What, what, what?
In the past few months, I've found
myself growing very fond of someone.
Right, yeah.
- Someone quite close to me.
- Your mother?
Recently, the fondness has developed
into a physical attraction.
- Oh, it IS your mother. - Tom! - Sorry!
I'm afraid it'll affect our
friendship.
Well, knock me down
with a pretty big feather, Degs.
It's all right, you know.
Tell me, is this person
pretty devilishly fit?
- Oh, yes! - Devilishly horny?
- God, yes! - And devilishly ME, eh?
- Why would it affect our friendship
even if we lived together? - What?
I like Linda. She's harmless But
they said Chernobyl was harmless.
Don't say any more.
I must go back in.
Guess what Vince wants me to do!
I'd rather flick-flack down
the street in a string vest!
Degsy, I might need your advice.
- Ditch the perm, love.
- No. Fashion tips.
Got a spare decade?
Fashion for a big day! ..Come in,
you gorgeous hunk of manhood!
Now, do to me in 'ere
what you did out there.
No, no, no, no!
We're sensitive homosexuals! No!
- Now, open your mouth. - NO!
Say it!
Work for me, Linda.
Vince is doing a programme over
here - Poor White Trash Get It On.
I'd love you to front it for me,
Linda.
You're the epitome
of sleaze and vulgarity.
- Oh! - What's your answer?
I'll keep that to myself for now
as part of my feminine mystique.
BUT I have to say, in order for us
to work well together as a team,
we may have to sleep together.
- Really? - Mmm! Regularly.
I'll give it my best goddamn shot.
- Oooh! - I've news too.
Champagne! Champagne!
Oh, ain't it great, Tom? A career
and a shag all rolled into one!
Lindy, I also bring good tidings.
- My unrequited love for Degsy
has been requited. - Speak English!
He loves me!
How do I tell her I'm impotent?
How do I tell HIM
I've gone straight?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase
the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase
the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪