Going Dutch (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
This is it. This is the day.
Phones all set.
- Waiting for their call.
- Ehhh
- What?
- They're not gonna call, sir.
You're supposed to
go by actions, not words.
Based on my resume,
I should already be a general.
You know that.
I should already have my star.
Colonel, you viciously insulted
half the generals
on the promotion board.
In a leaked video, that would
make Christian Bale blush.
He had several valid points to make,
as did I in my leaked rant.
I know you love to achieve
the impossible, but
believing that you're gonna be
promoted at this point?
- It's borderline delusional.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING]
Huh?
Colonel Patrick Quinn?
Big Dog! It's Papadakis!
[ELIAS] My sandwich guy came through!
A couple of us are going in on a
six-foot sub. No knife.
We're just lining up, taking
turns chopping that thing.
- [ELIAS] Tell me you're in!
- Why would I
Papadakis, I'm your commanding officer.
We are not friends.
[ELIAS] We're not friends yet,
'cause your generation is stupid.
- My generation is stupid?
- [ELIAS] Emotionally.
- He's got a point.
- You're dumb as rocks
emotionally is what I'm saying.
- Get off my phone!
- As I was saying,
I just think it's important
that we recognize that
promotion requires a certain amount
of glad-handing
that you're unwilling to do.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING]
[WOMAN 1] Colonel Quinn,
I have an important
- call from the promotion board.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, put it through.
Oh, my God.
What did I tell you?
Colonel Patrick Quinn.
Colonel, General Davidson here.
Hello, general, sir.
How are you today, sir?
I have great news about your star.
- I can't wait to hear it, sir.
- You didn't get it.
What? How would you know? You're
not on the promotion board.
Well, I got the inside scoop
at one of General King's hunting trips.
- You know how those things go.
- No, I-I don't, actually.
Right. Those trips are for stars only.
So here is the actual good news.
I'm getting my second star.
And here's the best part.
I've decided to have
my ceremony at Stroopsdorf.
- What?
- [LAUGHS]
You psyops guys never know
when to stop twisting the knife, do you?
Nonsense. I love Stroopsdorf's cheese.
And, of course, you will also be there
because that's where you are.
- [LAUGHS]
- [PHONE BEEPS]
[SIGHS] You were right.
- This is rock bottom.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Your generation only
responds to in-person contact.
So I've ripped off the last
two feet of this sub,
and I want us to Lady and The Tramp it.
That means you have to
eat the other side.
I know.
I was wrong.
This is rock bottom.
[THEME MUSIC]
That is amazing news.
Congrats.
I'm so happy for you. Bye-bye.
I am so happy for me.
I just found out that Colonel Jack Lee
is getting the promotion,
and that's gonna
transfer him to USAG Bavaria.
Which means he'll take
Captain Jensen with him,
and that means that there's an open spot
at USAG Benelux,
and Captain Perez has been
gunning for a European transfer
ever since
she started her post in D.C.
I'm nodding politely,
but I need you to clarify.
There will be an open post
in Washington, D.C.
That would mean, like,
real networking opportunities
for my political career.
And it opens up in eight months.
Which lines up perfectly
with my next promotion.
You have a murder board for your career?
All the victims are the
ambitions of my enemies.
I love you, girl,
but this is the kind of crazy
you can only share with me
because nobody
else would understand.
Maggie!
I heard about Colonel Lee
going to Bavaria.
- D.C. is so close!
- Yes.
I came to watch you
connect the final string.
Oh, don't mind if I do. Mhmm.
Ba-da-bing, baby.
Wait, why General King?
He oversees all the transfers in
and out of Europe,
and he's gonna be at General
Davidson's promotion tomorrow,
which means our girl
is just inches away.
I just need five minutes with him
to prove I'm perfect for D.C.
Please, you can do it in two.
Oh, this is the colonel.
He says, "Can we do something fun
to General Davidson's dinner?
Laxatives? From the colonel."
Don't you love when boomers
sign their texts?
But wait, the colonel hates Davidson.
He's gonna ruin the whole party for you.
I have got a plan to take him out.
Night-night, colonel.
You gonna kill your dad?
No, I'm just gonna convince him
not to come to dinner.
- But have you thought about
- Pills and a typed suicide note.
Solid plan.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- Hey.
- Hey.
You have a murder board, too.
Yeah, except mine's closer
to actual murder.
I know. Tomorrow's probably
gonna be hard.
Davidson getting his second star.
You haven't gotten your first.
I bet he buttered them up
on that hunting trip.
I'm sure their camo blended well
with all the pussy willows.
Ah, it's a shame you can't
make up an excuse and
just skip the whole thing.
Food poisoning or something.
Then you'd have the night
to yourself, to just relax
and do whatever it is
that you do in your free time.
Well, it's been a while
since I made a knife.
Sorry?
When you stab a man with something that
you made, it just means more.
Well, yeah. I mean, that sounds
like a great Saturday night.
A little bit of wine, some knife stuff.
But you've gotta do the right thing.
Go celebrate the achievements
of your worst enemy.
[SIGHS]
You know what? Screw it.
- I'm not doing it.
- What?
I'm gonna stay here and make
myself a big-ass Rambo knife.
- What do you think of that?
- All right.
Sergeant Conway, we are way
over budget for this reception.
A thousand dollars for an ice luge?
Major Shah, we do things
with quality and panache.
And I'm not gonna let somebody
so uptight mess that up.
Okay, I'm not uptight.
I just have very good posture.
Because you've got a stick up your butt.
You needs to get laid, brother!
Okay, I don't take life advice
from a drunk dude
in an 80s teen comedy.
- He might be on to something.
- Mhm-hm.
- How long has it been?
- It's none of your business.
Oh, so like two years?
Look, I don't have time to date,
all right?
I'm in the middle of negotiating a very
complicated divorce across seven
time zones and two continents.
Between that
and keeping you two in check
- What are you doing?
- What?
We've got to make sure it works.
Okay, look, I'm not really
a one-night-stand kind of guy.
I have to connect with someone.
Well, maybe you weren't a
one-night-stand kind of guy.
But aren't you always saying
that Stroopsdorf is opening
you up to new things?
You know, I have been trying
to serve myself more.
And there's nothing more self-serving
than meaningless sex. So, all right.
Come on, guys. That's straight vodka.
[ABRAHAM] We've got five here.
We need six more in there, okay?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, I was thinking
tomorrow we bail on that party.
Grab some ribs, maybe. Go back
to my place and watch "Cops."
Maybe I'll make you a knife.
Ah, you know, I love your knives.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Got enough of them already.
I was actually thinking about, um
going to that party tomorrow night.
- Oh.
- Thinking it might be a nice
opportunity for me
to, uh, to meet someone.
- Yes.
- [BOTH] And get over the thing.
Right. That's a great idea.
You know, you sure you don't wanna go?
I mean, half the promotion
board is gonna be there.
I know. I'd rather eat glass.
You know that.
Look, I'm free tonight
if you wanna just like
You're fine. You go do your thing.
I've, I've got plenty of work to do.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, colonel, you're not gonna, like,
get drunk again and talk
to Patton's gun, are you?
My God. How many times
do I have to tell you?
I wasn't talking to the gun.
I was talking to myself near the gun.
I mean, it did sound like
a conversation.
Your cadence shifted. You did
call it sir at one point.
No, no, no. When I'm talking
to myself, I call myself sir.
Because I'm not gonna drop the
honorific. I earned it.
He reaches for the bottle ♪
But his hands don't take hold ♪
His eyes just can't focus ♪
He's out of control ♪
You know,
not every man gets
to fulfill his destiny, sir.
Thank God you're
one of the ones who did.
Who sits there all alone
"Fate will tap a man on the shoulder
and point out what fork
in the road he should take,
and if he has the guts, he will take it.
General George S. Patton."
Holy crap. The gun does talk back.
I love you too, sir.
Listen, I'm definitely going
to the star dinner, okay?
It's my destiny to be a general,
and the only reason I'm not
is because General King
and those dopes they think
I'm, ah, too abrasive.
- No.
- Knock it off.
And I was talking
to this friend of mine,
ex-military, and he said,
"You know what,
you should just, you should just
try to be nicer."
You were talking to the gun again?
You know what a better question is?
Why are people spying on me
when I'm at home in my private time?
So listen, I'm thinking,
go to the dinner
and I charm General King, right?
And then he invites me
on one of the hunting trips
and I charm him there.
I'm gonna get my star.
Now the problem is, I will need to be
I don't even wanna say this
because it'll make me gag.
- I need
- To be nice to him at a party?
Yeah, and I don't know how to do that.
- So I need your help.
- Me?
People think you're really nice.
- I am actually nice.
- I know.
Come on.
Having a general as a father
could be very good
for my political career.
It'd be huge.
I am in. I will do it. I will
My Fair Lady you.
Except you're not turning me
into Audrey Hepburn,
you're making me less of a dick.
- Yeah.
- Great. All right.
It would be easier to turn you
into Audrey Hepburn.
[MAGGIE] Colonel, if either
of us wants to advance
our careers tonight, it has to go well.
And the key to that for
both of us is General King.
But he's such a two-faced
weasel, this guy.
And all the other colonels are always
sucking up to him
because they want their stars.
Their noses are browner
than a UPS truck.
Well, what can brown do for you?
Make you a general, that's what.
August.
Gus King, the picture
of a devoted family man.
Father of five daughters
and a Siberian husky named Dan Marino,
after his favorite player
on his favorite team.
Big Miami Dolphins fan.
I can't be friends with
a guy who's a Finns fan.
Okay. Which is why you will practice by
befriending a man you hate most.
- Hello?
- No.
Much like a sprinter
training with leg weights,
if you can suck up to Jan,
then everything else will seem easy.
Plus, he's also a family man.
Now, you're gonna find
common ground with Jan.
Jan loves his family
like King loves his family.
You could talk about
how you love your family.
- Shouldn't be hard.
- I, I love my family.
To him.
- I love my family.
- Oh.
Certain members at certain times.
I've got the same kink.
Me and Renato, we have this wheel,
we take turns spinning,
and it determines
the intensity of our love.
And, colonel, uhh,
sometimes it gets very intense.
I'm not engaging with
Ziggy Stardutch, okay?
- Okay. Why are you roasting him?
- I'm not.
It's like you have
insult comic Tourette's.
No. I'm just impulsively honest.
[PATRICK] It's one of my things
that I've always
God, the top of your head
is so oddly shaped.
We should have kept that helmet
on you when you were a baby.
But, no. Your mother said no.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Major Shah. You look good.
We scouted the room, and we found you
an XO who wants to sex-oh.
- What?
- Hey.
She's smart. Funny.
All right, look, I haven't
hit on a woman in a decade.
I, I don't know what I'm doing.
- What if everything's changed?
- Oh, nothing's changed.
It's just natural human interaction.
You'll be fine. Just be yourself, okay?
- You got this. Get out of here.
- Yeah, go be yourself.
- Okay, okay, shh.
- Be all you can be.
- All right.
- You got it.
Hey, guys. I need you.
Hi. I'm Major Abraham Shah.
Okay, squad.
The Colonel has learned
absolutely nothing,
and we are completely out of time.
So, Papadakis, you're on damage control
for any conversational disaster.
Conway, you are on Davidson duty.
He will not stop until
he embarrasses my dad,
and I can't have that, okay?
So keep them apart at all costs.
Let's trick everyone into thinking
my dad is not a monster, okay?
I've said that too many times
in my life.
Ever since I've been
here in the Netherlands,
it's like my brain is quiet enough to
open up to new experiences.
You're not the guy
I thought you were gonna be.
Okay, so you've been thinking about me.
Yeah, I've been following
your career for a while.
You've been following me?
And you're even more
handsome in person.
I don't normally do this,
but maybe we could get out of here.
Isn't your office close by?
Yeah.
[CLINKING]
Let me just, yeah.
I'm ready.
Okay. Game time.
- Yeah.
- There is King, okay.
He's talking to
General Scott and his wife.
Please remember that both of our careers
depend on you not blowing this.
I know, I know.
- Here I go.
- Okay.
General King, I hear
you're one of those guys
who loves his family, huh.
I may have made a huge mistake.
[MAGGIE] Conway. Conway.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, general,
I have a question
that only you can answer.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, um
I just need you
to answer right over here.
Yes, all five daughters wanna be
actresses. That's so lucky.
- Oh, we're very proud.
- How's Marino doing?
Is he still chasing cars
like old Danny Boy
was chasing Super Bowl rings?
- What?
- My little Marino
died three days ago.
- Oh.
- He died right in my arm.
Oh, man. I-I, um
That's tough, man.
Corporal, get over there.
[CRYING]
- Hey. What?
- You're crying.
You okay, man? You okay, brother? Hey.
Corporal Elias Papadakis.
Is this some sort of prank, colonel?
It is a prank. Can you imagine
if he was in the U.S. Army?
- Come on.
- No, never.
He is a, a galoot. [LAUGHS]
Galoot. Great word.
I am in the Army. I'm a cyber warrior.
[LAUGHS]
I thought-I thought
it would cheer you up.
Oh, colonel, this is just
what I needed
- to take my mind off Marino.
- Good.
Maybe Davidson was wrong about you.
- He was wrong about me.
- Cyber warrior.
- I know, right?
- Yeah, I am.
[MAN 1] Yeah. That's so hot.
What
[CLICKS]
Colonel O'Connor, what is
happening? Who tied you up?
She did. I'm with her.
- No, no, no, no. I'm with her.
- Actually, you're both with me.
I told you I was into stuff.
- This is the stuff?
- Major Clark and I are married.
We like to keep things spicy.
Now, before we get going, let's talk
boundaries and comfort levels.
I'm not comfortable with any of this.
You said you were open
to new experiences.
I meant like cold plunges and savory
pancakes that are huge but thin.
I wish you would have told me
you were a prude.
I'm not a prude. Okay? The line
can't be this and then prude.
There's gotta be something in between
vanilla sex and a devil's three-way.
Relax. I just watch.
Unless you wanna blindfold me.
- I don't wanna do that.
- Honestly.
Theater of the mind is even better.
So I will be much louder.
Okay, I'm really sorry, but
this is just too weird for me.
Kink shame much?
Of all the times
I've been tied to a chair,
I've never felt disrespected.
Until now.
Okay, colonel, you're
my commanding officer.
I know. That's what makes it hot.
You giving up so early?
Yeah, because you told me that nothing
has changed, but everything has changed.
I put my toe into
the dating pool and it'll
never be the same.
Is two-person sex over?
I don't know. I've never done it.
What?
Sir, sorry to interrupt,
but I know you're in charge of transfers
in and out of Europe, so I wanted to
Let me stop you there, captain.
With a second star, that's
General Davidson's job now.
[MAGGIE] Great. Excuse me.
- There you are, colonel.
- Hey, general.
Sergeant Conway was trying to
keep me away from you.
[LAUGHS]
Your distractions won't work on me.
I didn't come here for cheese.
I came here to embarrass you.
- What else could I do for you?
- Something humiliating.
I want you to personally
present my second star.
Let's see how you do up on stage
with no one to protect you
from being you.
Okay.
Oh, it's a good thing
you didn't make that knife.
Oh, I think I could put
something together on the quick.
Yeah.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[PATRICK] Hey.
Davidson is more triggering to you
than the word triggering is.
I should just kiss D.C. goodbye, right?
Because there's no chance you go
out there and not insult him.
I'm gonna insult somebody, and
he's in the splash zone, so
I have someone for you to insult.
- Who? What do you mean?
- You.
Self-deprecation. I mean, people
love when I make fun of myself.
What would I make fun of?
Okay.
Try to think about how much
you want to be general.
Got it.
[PATRICK] All right.
There are so many things
I could say about General Davidson.
So many things.
But, uh, let me start by saying
thank you, General Davidson,
for inviting me to do this,
because this is the closest
I'm ever gonna get to a star.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You know, I've been a colonel
for over a decade now,
which means I've been
passed over more than
the New York Jets secondary.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
I'd shoot myself, but there's
no guns on this base.
It's true. It's true.
But I think, General Davidson,
I should just pin these
things on you now,
because, let's face it,
this is the closest I'm gonna
get to enemy action ever.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Whhoo!
I will make sure this is the last smile
you ever have on this base.
- Okay, you miserable S.O.B.
- Mm-hmm.
- Colonel.
- Yes.
- Are you a hunting man?
- I am indeed, sir.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
General Davidson, may I have a word?
I assume your father's
speech was your doing?
- Um
- Impressive.
Ah, sir, I know Perez is
leaving the post in D.C.
I want the job.
You have a mind for politics.
[LAUGHS] Are you sure you're a Quinn?
Trust me, I have been begging
for a DNA test every Christmas.
You know, when I sent
your father here, the last thing
I expected from him was change.
I underestimated you.
Your name will be
at the top of the list,
and maybe you should
just keep your eye out
for apartments in D.C.?
[LAUGHS]
General, I got a couple
- I want you to meet here.
- Now, celebrate.
- [WHISPERING] Oh, my God!
- Ah, we're all proud of you.
Colonel, what's your game?
Duck or turkey?
Depends. Are we talking
hunting or Davidson's ex-wives?
[LAUGHING]
Are we sure we want to
invite him on the trip?
Ah, he wouldn't be
any worse than your wet blanket
nephew you made us bring
along last year.
Spent the whole weekend
filming his food.
Well, he's an idiot and my
sister's up my butt
to help him out, so I am going to give
him Perez's old job in D.C.
Wait, wasn't that a position
that Captain Quinn was gonna be up for?
The job's been off the table for months.
Any suggestion otherwise
was just politics.
Captain Quinn maybe talented,
but why create an enemy
when you can just
disappoint a friend?
Well, I think Captain Quinn
actually will end up in D.C.
Because she's got more
courage and integrity
than all you numbnuts put together.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
You know what, General King?
The reason Marino never
won a ring is because he had
the pocket presence of a sloth.
And, General Davidson, you're worse than
all these pendulous boobs.
You know why? They're idiots.
They can't help it. You're
just pretending to be one.
- [MAN 1] Oh, the nerve.
- You're not coming hunting!
Fine! I don't shoot at anything
that can't shoot back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
Well
Had to make sure you weren't
messing things up for us.
Yeah, I kind of did.
Yeah, but not in the way
I thought you would.
Hmm?
Well, you're probably upset
about the D.C. thing, right?
Yeah, but don't worry.
Davidson and them
can't stop me if they try.
Yeah.
It sounded like you stood up
for me in there.
Well, it was mostly an attack
of insult comic Tourette's.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It wasn't you being nice?
It sounds to me like your
oddly shaped head
might be affecting your brain.
Sounds to me like I successfully
My Fair Lady'd you.
- Hmmm.
- Goodnight, Audrey.
[LAUGHING]
You know, I think you're supposed to put
the rum on the cake.
Not if you're trying to get hammered.
- You didn't get D.C.?
- No.
Davidson lied to my face about it.
- You want some?
- Uh, yeah. You got a fork?
No, this is a Stroopsdorf special.
- A Stroopsdorf special?
- Yeah, no fork. Handcake.
- Handcake? Wow.
- Yeah. Doink.
You just get right in there
with that thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
It's pretty good. I didn't wanna
get it on my uniform.
Yeah, that would-would be sad.
[BOTH LAUGH]