Golan the Insatiable (2013) s01e06 Episode Script
Dylan Crushes Reading
1 Dylan Beekler, you're up.
Ahem! Hello, underlings.
For show-and-tell, behold my master, your rightful sovereign Golan the Insatiable.
Yah! Golan will now answer any of your stupid questions! Oh oh oh! Do you have a job? I take over worlds.
- Next! - My Mommy said Dylan's mommy wants to make a baby with you.
Well, I don't know about all that.
- Why? What have you heard? - Time is up.
- Take your seat, Beekler.
- Ah whoa, wait, hold on.
First I got to get in a plug.
I have finally finished my fearsome self-published autobiography, "Golan on Golan" by Golan.
Here's a little preview.
- Dylan, read! - As you wish, master.
"Cone cow-ca-ca Cow Cons - C " - Are you having a stroke? What the hell is the matter with you? Dylan Beekler can't read! She can't read.
You can't read?! But in all seriousness, this is completely unacceptable! 1x06 - Dylan Crushes Reading What about all the spells you've cast from my magic tome? How the hell'd you read those? I just followed the pictures, duh! Well, no wonder they've never worked out right! All this time I've been calling you stupid just to be mean, and it turns out I was right? - So much less satisfying.
- Whatever.
Not whatever! This reflects poorly on me and the entire cult! I command you to learn how to read right now! How much knowledge would you say you are absorbing? I'm afraid playtime is over, you two.
Guess who I just got a call from? The school.
Sweetie, if you were having trouble reading, you should have come to us.
I can read if I want to read.
I just don't care right now.
Well, you better start caring - because were sending you to - Tutor town! Oh no! Now your parents may have told you there is no shame in not knowing how to read yet.
But they're wrong.
My brother never learned to read.
Then he killed himself.
He couldn't even write a real suicide note, just a bunch of frowny faces.
Now let's get started.
You all need to find a learning buddy.
So pair off.
Uh, Dylan, since you're a social outcast, like my brother your reading buddy will be Swingley.
I can draw a map of the United States from memory.
Want to see me hold my breath until I pass out? - Let me check.
No! - Okay, I'll show you.
I'm ignoring you! I don't even know if you're getting that map right or not.
Whoa, you are really turning blue.
Done.
Whoa, badass.
And then after Swingley woke up, he was all spinning in circles and flipping over tables.
- He is so annoying! - "Blah blah blah blah.
" Now get to the part where you learned how to read triumphantly! I didn't learn anything 'cause I couldn't concentrate.
All I could think about was punching his annoying face.
Ohhhhhhh.
Dylan and Swingley sitting in a tree! Ha ha! You like him! Shut up, Alexis! I do not.
Aww, Dylan has a crush.
Fer-cute.
Sweetie, god says it's okay for you to like this boy as long as he's not a girl.
Wait, like she likes-him likes him? I don't "likes-him likes him" anyone! I hate him.
And I hate you! And I hate you! And you! You're all stupid! Both your parents and your school have failed you.
Now it is time to use the Golan method.
Voilá! I have designed this ingenious distraction-free device to counteract your boy-craziness.
You will be released when you can adequately describe the themes of "Ulysses.
" Better hurry before the snakes consume you.
Snakes? What snakes? I left you a note to go buy snakes, didn't you read it?! Ghaa! Well, I better go to snakes etcetera.
You read.
Whew! Thank god I escaped before I learned how to read.
Go go go! Go go go! Swingley! Why is he here? - Done! - We set up a play date.
- Isn't that fun? - No.
And we're forcing Alexis and Keith to take you to - Pepe Roni's! - Oh no! Pizza-pie rocks, pizza rock! Dylan, just remember, don't let him honk your boob on the first date.
I made Keith wait, and then when he did honk my boob, it was all the more special for both of us.
You want to see me put both my hands in my mouth at once? Yes.
Yes I would.
Dylan, I'm back.
Did you know that snakes etcetera is now a P.
F.
changs? Whoa! Jailbreak! I have dyscalculia, dysgraphia, sensory integration disorder, dyslexia and incomplete small intestine so I get diarrhea a lot.
What are you into? Um, mostly Golan the Insatiable, I guess.
Aw look, we're almost out of tokens.
I can fix that.
Whoa! That's like a million tokens! No way! Ahhh! No touching.
- Are you gonna punch me? - Yes.
In the face.
This is real and I'll get home somehow 'cause I don't wanna be Cease your pizza eating and video gamery! I come in search of my acolyte, for I am Golan the Insatiable.
Aw crap, it's my godlord! I'm supposed to be trapped in a box! Aha! I knew the place your parents told me you are is where you would be! - Who's this greasy weirdo? - I'm Swingley.
This is the guy that you're all like You're supposed to be learning how to read! This date is over! Damn it, Golan! I don't care about reading, I care about Swingley! Uh, no! I mean, I hate Swingley.
Gah, this is all so confusing! Oh, I see.
Swingley, you are the key that will unlock Dylan's stupid brain.
I'm Swingley.
Dylan, wake up.
- Dylan! - Golan, is that you? What are you doing? The question you should be asking is Well, actually that was a good question.
Let me just show you.
Swingley! Golan, let him go! I am going to kill the little lothario unless you stop me! To save him, you will have to go on a hero's quest.
Better hurry, for you have but one hour before I disembowel him and disen-facen him.
Your first clue is on the desk.
Gah! I can't read this! Wait a sec.
I know that greasy smell.
They're still at Pepe Roni's! I'm coming, Swingley! I see you've deciphered my first clue.
We'll see if you can make it through my gauntlet of fates, at the end of which your maiden fair awaits! Now enjoy this annoying novelty song about pizza! We're gonna rock rock and roll some dough Uhhh! Shut up, pizza rat! What!? Reading is for nerds.
Real warriors guess! Ah, ow, ahh! Uh, ow, ooooh! Argh, Golan, more reading? What am I, a genius? I'm not gonna do it! I'm just gonna go to the right.
Oh no! Eat a butt, Golan! Oh ugh, gross.
Oh no, a dead end? Okay, Dylan, you have no choice.
You have to sound it out.
Doo Doe Duh d.
Duuuu.
"C" is so hard.
Sometimes "Ch.
" Duu-oo-k-kh.
Oh, I can read! "Duck"! Duck? Duck! Congratulations.
I read, Golan! I really read! I did it! Oh, I knew you just needed the proper motivation.
I'm so proud of myself for pulling this off.
But you are too late! No! I hope you're full of candy, you little bastard.
- What the? - Get outta here, Swingley, Before you learn how to read the word "duck"! - You don't want this power.
- Okay.
Oh great, Dylan, you idiot.
How dare you betray me!? Golan, I didn't betray you.
You set all this up so I could learn to read.
- And now I can! - Oh right! I got kind of carried away with killing that kid.
There's just something about his face that just makes you want to smash it in with your fist.
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.
I wish I could punch his face in forever.
This is real and I'll get home somehow 'cause I don't want to be - # the one to let you down # - I'm Swingley.
You sure are.
Ahem! Hello, underlings.
For show-and-tell, behold my master, your rightful sovereign Golan the Insatiable.
Yah! Golan will now answer any of your stupid questions! Oh oh oh! Do you have a job? I take over worlds.
- Next! - My Mommy said Dylan's mommy wants to make a baby with you.
Well, I don't know about all that.
- Why? What have you heard? - Time is up.
- Take your seat, Beekler.
- Ah whoa, wait, hold on.
First I got to get in a plug.
I have finally finished my fearsome self-published autobiography, "Golan on Golan" by Golan.
Here's a little preview.
- Dylan, read! - As you wish, master.
"Cone cow-ca-ca Cow Cons - C " - Are you having a stroke? What the hell is the matter with you? Dylan Beekler can't read! She can't read.
You can't read?! But in all seriousness, this is completely unacceptable! 1x06 - Dylan Crushes Reading What about all the spells you've cast from my magic tome? How the hell'd you read those? I just followed the pictures, duh! Well, no wonder they've never worked out right! All this time I've been calling you stupid just to be mean, and it turns out I was right? - So much less satisfying.
- Whatever.
Not whatever! This reflects poorly on me and the entire cult! I command you to learn how to read right now! How much knowledge would you say you are absorbing? I'm afraid playtime is over, you two.
Guess who I just got a call from? The school.
Sweetie, if you were having trouble reading, you should have come to us.
I can read if I want to read.
I just don't care right now.
Well, you better start caring - because were sending you to - Tutor town! Oh no! Now your parents may have told you there is no shame in not knowing how to read yet.
But they're wrong.
My brother never learned to read.
Then he killed himself.
He couldn't even write a real suicide note, just a bunch of frowny faces.
Now let's get started.
You all need to find a learning buddy.
So pair off.
Uh, Dylan, since you're a social outcast, like my brother your reading buddy will be Swingley.
I can draw a map of the United States from memory.
Want to see me hold my breath until I pass out? - Let me check.
No! - Okay, I'll show you.
I'm ignoring you! I don't even know if you're getting that map right or not.
Whoa, you are really turning blue.
Done.
Whoa, badass.
And then after Swingley woke up, he was all spinning in circles and flipping over tables.
- He is so annoying! - "Blah blah blah blah.
" Now get to the part where you learned how to read triumphantly! I didn't learn anything 'cause I couldn't concentrate.
All I could think about was punching his annoying face.
Ohhhhhhh.
Dylan and Swingley sitting in a tree! Ha ha! You like him! Shut up, Alexis! I do not.
Aww, Dylan has a crush.
Fer-cute.
Sweetie, god says it's okay for you to like this boy as long as he's not a girl.
Wait, like she likes-him likes him? I don't "likes-him likes him" anyone! I hate him.
And I hate you! And I hate you! And you! You're all stupid! Both your parents and your school have failed you.
Now it is time to use the Golan method.
Voilá! I have designed this ingenious distraction-free device to counteract your boy-craziness.
You will be released when you can adequately describe the themes of "Ulysses.
" Better hurry before the snakes consume you.
Snakes? What snakes? I left you a note to go buy snakes, didn't you read it?! Ghaa! Well, I better go to snakes etcetera.
You read.
Whew! Thank god I escaped before I learned how to read.
Go go go! Go go go! Swingley! Why is he here? - Done! - We set up a play date.
- Isn't that fun? - No.
And we're forcing Alexis and Keith to take you to - Pepe Roni's! - Oh no! Pizza-pie rocks, pizza rock! Dylan, just remember, don't let him honk your boob on the first date.
I made Keith wait, and then when he did honk my boob, it was all the more special for both of us.
You want to see me put both my hands in my mouth at once? Yes.
Yes I would.
Dylan, I'm back.
Did you know that snakes etcetera is now a P.
F.
changs? Whoa! Jailbreak! I have dyscalculia, dysgraphia, sensory integration disorder, dyslexia and incomplete small intestine so I get diarrhea a lot.
What are you into? Um, mostly Golan the Insatiable, I guess.
Aw look, we're almost out of tokens.
I can fix that.
Whoa! That's like a million tokens! No way! Ahhh! No touching.
- Are you gonna punch me? - Yes.
In the face.
This is real and I'll get home somehow 'cause I don't wanna be Cease your pizza eating and video gamery! I come in search of my acolyte, for I am Golan the Insatiable.
Aw crap, it's my godlord! I'm supposed to be trapped in a box! Aha! I knew the place your parents told me you are is where you would be! - Who's this greasy weirdo? - I'm Swingley.
This is the guy that you're all like You're supposed to be learning how to read! This date is over! Damn it, Golan! I don't care about reading, I care about Swingley! Uh, no! I mean, I hate Swingley.
Gah, this is all so confusing! Oh, I see.
Swingley, you are the key that will unlock Dylan's stupid brain.
I'm Swingley.
Dylan, wake up.
- Dylan! - Golan, is that you? What are you doing? The question you should be asking is Well, actually that was a good question.
Let me just show you.
Swingley! Golan, let him go! I am going to kill the little lothario unless you stop me! To save him, you will have to go on a hero's quest.
Better hurry, for you have but one hour before I disembowel him and disen-facen him.
Your first clue is on the desk.
Gah! I can't read this! Wait a sec.
I know that greasy smell.
They're still at Pepe Roni's! I'm coming, Swingley! I see you've deciphered my first clue.
We'll see if you can make it through my gauntlet of fates, at the end of which your maiden fair awaits! Now enjoy this annoying novelty song about pizza! We're gonna rock rock and roll some dough Uhhh! Shut up, pizza rat! What!? Reading is for nerds.
Real warriors guess! Ah, ow, ahh! Uh, ow, ooooh! Argh, Golan, more reading? What am I, a genius? I'm not gonna do it! I'm just gonna go to the right.
Oh no! Eat a butt, Golan! Oh ugh, gross.
Oh no, a dead end? Okay, Dylan, you have no choice.
You have to sound it out.
Doo Doe Duh d.
Duuuu.
"C" is so hard.
Sometimes "Ch.
" Duu-oo-k-kh.
Oh, I can read! "Duck"! Duck? Duck! Congratulations.
I read, Golan! I really read! I did it! Oh, I knew you just needed the proper motivation.
I'm so proud of myself for pulling this off.
But you are too late! No! I hope you're full of candy, you little bastard.
- What the? - Get outta here, Swingley, Before you learn how to read the word "duck"! - You don't want this power.
- Okay.
Oh great, Dylan, you idiot.
How dare you betray me!? Golan, I didn't betray you.
You set all this up so I could learn to read.
- And now I can! - Oh right! I got kind of carried away with killing that kid.
There's just something about his face that just makes you want to smash it in with your fist.
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.
I wish I could punch his face in forever.
This is real and I'll get home somehow 'cause I don't want to be - # the one to let you down # - I'm Swingley.
You sure are.