Grandfathered (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

Hey porkchop I got to get some stuff done so the TV's gonna babysit for a while, okay? Let's see what we got.
Oh, look, look, look, look.
This is a show called Fruitville Friends.
Looks pretty dumb, but your dad says I can't show you The Sopranos.
So here.
Enjoy the fruit.
Banana, yippee-yo, yippee-yay.
Wait.
Is that banana voice by Snoop Dogg? It sounds like Snoop Dogg, doesn't it? - Let's get bizzle, my fo shizzle.
- Well, that's pretty cool.
I wonder if anyone else had noticed that.
- Da.
- Yeah.
I love Snoop Dogg.
Look at them they're doing CrossFit, but they're calling it CrossFruit.
- CrossFruit.
- Yeah, smart stuff.
It's like there's a whole level that's just for adults.
I wonder if they do that on purpose.
Almond Schwarzenegger.
Hmm.
No, don't turn that.
I want to see this.
This is good.
Did that bunch of grapes just ask those melons if they're real? That's racy.
Now that's juicy.
That's not a bad-looking fruit, actually.
Oh, right, it's dinnertime.
Just, uh, go get whatever you want out of the fridge.
Go ahead.
Best in the state.
That's it? The whole series ends with the screen going black? N-Now I'll never know what happened to Tony Strawberry.
This is insane.
Oh See what they did there? It's the same ending as The Sopranos.
Oh, God.
Fruitville Friends does it again.
My trouble is, you know, figuring out a way for Vanessa to see me as more than a friend, you know? Ignore her.
Girls thinks that's super romantic.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is this? You're taking romance advice from this prepubescent ninja? - Nice try.
Post-pubescent.
- Jordan's my friend.
- He lives next-door.
- Gerald, you have me now, all right? Let me give you advice on girls, and let Jordan give you advice on how to karate chop a lampshade.
Gentlemen, forgive me for interrupting the think tank.
Gerald, you should let me set you up with my friend Heidi from work.
Never let your mother set you up.
She's really smart, she's nice, she's got a PhD, she was in the Peace Corps.
So she's not hot? Oh, my God, Gerald, you need to go out with her.
This looks like a girl that you two nerds designed in a computer.
Sorry.
Not interested.
Got to go.
Sure is terrible that Gerald isn't interested in your hot, smart coworker.
Oh, ho-ho, no, no, no, no.
Come on, fix me up with her.
No.
- What? Why? - Because I like her, and she's out of your league.
Out of my league? I'm a catch.
I have sophistication, I have class.
Let me read your last ten text messages.
It's not my fault if a girl wants to send me pictures of her butt.
Give it up, Jimmy.
She wouldn't be into you.
What's that supposed to mean? And-and if you recall, you used to be into me.
I also used to drink Jagermeister for breakfast.
The two may or may not be related.
What's her name? Diane Never-gonna-happen-stein.
I love Jewish girls.
What's her number? You're really not gonna give up, are you? - Never.
- Fine.
Here's her number.
Watch the pro work.
Out of my league.
Give it up, Jimmy.
And how can you not know my number? We have a child together.
All right, when Sara comes out to reception, stall her.
I'm gonna go in back and try to track this girl down.
- Any questions? - Yes.
What the hell are you thinking? Sara thinks this girl's out of my league.
Can you believe that? I'm gonna meet this girl, I'm gonna prove Sara wrong.
Any other questions? Yes.
When you said my job would be 90% restaurant-related, were you mistaken or just lying? Always assume I'm lying.
Nice shirt, by the way.
Thanks.
Wait.
Annelise.
What are you doing here? Jimmy's in your office.
I'm not doing this.
Jimmy.
What are you doing? Hacking into your mainframe.
I've got to find Heidi's office.
Where's the open Apple key? This is highly unethical.
Do you think I like committing cyber crime? I don't.
But I'll do it to find love; I'll do it to find my Amal.
- You're what? - My Ama The woman who tamed George Clooney.
I want to find that woman to tame me Amal Alamud din.
You do not want to find your Amal Alamuddin.
You just want what you don't have.
That's not true.
And if you're not willing to help me find my personal improvement and self growth, then I'm gonna sit here and work on your computer.
- Fine, you win! Come on.
- Good.
And you did not hack into my mainframe, you typed "mainframe" into a word document.
Heidi? Hey, Heidi, remember when you said you were willing to be set up.
This is Jimmy.
This is your son? - Yes.
- No.
My son is a 25-year-old man.
This is a 50-year-old boy.
Okay, sure.
Why not? He's attractive.
Oh, thank you.
And seeing as I'm in the middle of a session, there's really no graceful way to get out of it.
See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
I feel like I'm invisible to everyone.
I-I see you, and I like your shirt.
Thank you.
And you are attractive.
Okay.
Okay.
- Come in.
- Hey.
Hey.
Have a seat.
I'm just pulling up Edie's calendar.
So yeah, it's a pretty typical month; no real curveballs.
Oh, uh, do you still have to be in court next Monday for selling those library books? - Do you want to have sex? - Okay.
Dope.
Dude! Someone's got some new moves.
Well, that's 'cause someone read a book about female sexuality that was recommended in Lena Dunham's newsletter.
Oh, burned, like, 200 calories.
I'm gonna have some chocolate.
So, hey you know, I've been thinking.
Dating as a single parent really sucks, right? It's hard to find free time.
And then when you do have free time, it's weird bringing random guys around Edie.
- How random? - But then it gets so lonely.
The nights can be so cold.
Maybe the answer's right here.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
- G? - Yeah? You want to meet up for sex a few times a week? - I'm sorry, what? - You know, meet up, get it on, and just go about our lives, like friends with benefits who had a surprise baby.
Yes.
Perfect.
I mean, who wants to be in a relationship? Not this sex machine.
Right? Yeah.
It's Code Amal here, people.
Let's step it up! Anyone who doesn't want Jimmy to find love tonight, - get out of my kitchen.
- I used to date Jimmy.
Yes, you've managed to tell me that easily hundreds of times.
He used to tell me that I was his Amal.
In 1995? Are you calling me a liar? They're here.
White Victor.
Ready to watch a master at work? I think you'll enjoy tonight's wine selection.
A Bordeaux bottled June 8, 1980 - That's my birthday.
- No! That's very sweet.
Mm-hmm.
And the wine seems lovely.
Uh, it is.
$300.
Time for the Kobe beef routine.
Pure genius.
Ooh, the Kobe beef! - Cindy, are you okay?! - Oh.
I'm so sorry! I just ruined your Kobe beef! I don't care about the Kobe beef.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Okay, and how's your sick grandmother, Alice? - Who? - Okay, okay.
Oh.
And last but not least, we send in the closer.
Plot twist he's been standing next to you the whole time.
Me.
I'm so sorry! A V.
I.
P.
is outside and wants to say hello.
Excuse me, I have a V.
I.
P.
right here.
It's Lionel Richie! I don't care.
Can I meet Lionel Richie? No, he doesn't want to meet you.
- Hey, Ravi! - Hey.
Hey, did last night go as well as it seemed? I trust my meat loaf was an aphrodisiac? I just texted her for a second date.
Hey, how'd it go with Vanessa? Well, I'm not really one to kiss and tell.
Yeah, who am I kidding? I already told everyone on the bus over here.
We had sex! Attaboy! Look at this, the Martino brothers on fire.
Yeah, except my last name's not Martino.
And we're not brothers.
Uh, but here's the thing she just wants to keep having sex and not be in a relationship.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, whoa.
Did you hear that? She wants to use him for his body.
But I want to use me for my heart, too.
- What? - You've got to be kidding.
I'm just not sure I can turn off my feelings.
Well, it's simple listen to your instincts and go the exact opposite.
What are your instincts telling you? Um, come here and have Ravi help me bake a loaf of fresh bread for Vanessa? Terrible idea.
Don't do that.
Oh, maybe it's Heidi.
Yes.
Nice, Dad! No, not nice.
Why not? I mean, she's definitely gonna let you know.
And knowing's half the battle.
See, she's saying she's busy.
Fake enthusiasm.
Exclamation points.
That's a textbook blow-off.
Everything okay, Jimmy? What? Yeah, I'm fine, fine.
Well, it sounds like she really loved my meat loaf.
Maybe I should make a run at her.
Heidi turned me down for a second date.
Yeah, that's what I said would happen.
Look at me I'm a wreck.
I'm binging on ice cream.
That's not ice cream.
That's a tiny fat-free Italian ice.
And stop acting heartbroken.
You only like Heidi because she doesn't like you.
That's not true! She's different.
She's smart.
She's accomplished.
What the heck's the matter with her? - What? - Hey, Heidi.
Sorry if I came across as an arrogant, flashy dope last night.
- Hey, give me that! What are you doing?! - Just At least you're owning up to it Ah I would love to start over.
Dinner tonight? Sure, why not? - Hey! - There you go.
Godspeed.
What magic was that? Wait, don't go! Now what do I do? I can't help you.
I have an errand to run.
All right, I'll go with you.
- Really? - Yep.
Got another shot at this.
I don't want to blow it again.
Where's the errand? Palm Springs.
Palm Springs, Palm Springs? All right, got this.
Be cool.
It's just casual sex.
Wow, you look So, you're just not gonna finish that sentence? So? I didn't bake you any bread.
Um, okay.
That's right.
No bread, just sex.
Got it, pal? Are you broken? What's happening? What's happening is that I'm gonna obliterate you.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to fight my instincts here.
I'm-I'm a bit of a romantic.
Just relax, okay? - Be yourself.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Um, yeah.
You know, I just got a text.
My mom.
She wants me to go pick up Edie.
Maybe we try this again later, maybe.
What is wrong with me?! Come on, you're friends with her.
Tell me what to do on the date tonight.
Give me some bullet points.
No, there are no bullet points, I'm sorry.
You want me to drop you off at the outlets? You know what it is? You don't want to give me advice, because you don't want me to find anyone.
Yeah, that's right.
I just want to keep you all to myself.
Turn this air on.
My-my sweat is staining out my shirt.
Okay, wait, now, don't turn it above two or the car will blow up.
Why are we going to Palm Springs anyway? I got to get back.
I am going to Palm Springs because of a lovely woman from the Internet who is selling the exact hand wheel clutch I need for my sewing machine.
You know what I just heard grandma, grandma, hand wheel clutch, grandma, grandma, machine.
Yeah, well, see? That's the difference between you and me.
I own who I am.
I am a grandmother.
Clearly, your blinker's been on for 25 minutes.
Yeah, well, good, because we're just about to make a turn in 40 miles.
- Ah-ha, ah-ha.
- You know what? This is your problem with Heidi.
What? You are obsessed with presenting this perfect image, instead of being authentic.
- Really? - Yeah, your clothing, your personality, that ridiculous story that you always tell about why you can't be around dogs.
- That is a real story.
- No.
And a fan favorite.
Please, you actually pulled a stray dog - Mm-hmm.
- out of a storm drain Mm-hmm.
And bottle fed it all night? Yes, and I held it in my arms until he died.
Dr.
Kirkbaum said he had dog cancer.
After little Blackie, I refuse to get attached to any other Okay, it's fake.
Ha! I knew it! You're ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
Look, how do you expect to find your Amal if you can't even be real? You're always Mr.
Never Let Them See You Sweat.
No, that's your own personal axe to grind with me.
Hey, look, you asked my advice.
You jumped in my car.
Your hot car.
- Is it hot? - Yeah.
I mean, let's turn this thing up.
- Don't do that.
- Look at my shirt.
- I said don't put it above two.
- I'm sweating my shirt - It's-it's two and a half, it's - Stop! Car can't I'm guessing you're not pulling over to make out.
Yeah.
Just what I thought.
Looks like it was the dumb-ass standing next to me.
Here.
Will this help? You are unbelievable.
All right, stand back.
Please.
All right, yeah.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Are you just using the hood for shade? Well, I do have a date tonight.
- Okay, see that silver cap? - Yeah.
All right, unscrew that and tell me if it's empty in there.
- Give me your shirt.
- What?! - I need a rag.
- This is not a rag.
It's not a shirt.
All right, I'll be the bigger man here.
Aha! Empty.
Thank you.
- Come on.
- Where we going? We need coolant, and there's a gas station two miles up.
Are you using me for shade? Well, you were blessed with a big head.
Share your gift.
Come on.
Come on, race you there.
Come on! Hey.
Hey, are you sure you want to try this again? Oh, oh! I think I can smell wine coming out of your pores.
How many glasses did you have last night? How many are in two bottles? What? Grandmas like their Chardonnay.
Come on, pick up the pace.
My legs are cramping.
I'm hungry.
Do you have food? I have a granola bar.
How much sugar does it have in it? What? What are you laughing at? Look at you! - You remember Rambo III? - Of course.
Okay, remember how you thought that - was gonna be the movie of the century? - Was.
You made us camp outside the theater for, like, 18 hours in that hot little tent.
Uh-huh, I remember.
You got so gross and sweaty.
- Worth it.
- No, it was not worth it.
No one else camped out, and that theater was empty.
My point is, you're kind of reminding me of that sweaty tent guy.
In a good way.
You know, it's nice to see you a little rough around the edges.
Thank you.
You know, it's difficult for me because the women I date expect a certain level of polish.
Oh, shut up! Gas station! What, do I have to carry you? That is not a sincere offer.
All right, so, uh, when do you want to meet up again? Hold on.
When did you get so good at this? Well, I found a way to get my emotions out of my system before you came over.
Yeah, first, I watched some videos of soldiers reuniting with their dogs.
Cried my eyes out.
Then, I busted out some videos of deaf people hearing for the first time? Cried even more.
- I'm dead inside.
- Cool.
I just watch porn.
Think you got another round in you before Edie's up? Yeah, you bet.
Just gonna watch Susan Boyle's first audition, and I'll be right back.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna stay here.
You go inside and get the coolant.
What? Why? Well, because of the dog? Seriously? - Yes.
- Well - Oh, my God, run! - Really? No! It's a basset hound, and it's on a pink leash.
I'm afraid of dogs, okay? That's why I don't want to be around 'em.
There was no Blackie.
There was a Pumpkin, and he bit me.
I was at a Little League game, taking a leak behind the bleachers.
And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this dog comes up and bites me right in the ass.
- Yikes.
- I ran off with a with my pants around my ankles, crying like a baby.
The whole team laughed at me.
It was awful.
See, I knew I shouldn't have told you that story.
Come on.
We'll go in together.
Uh-uh.
Come on.
Oh, hell.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
It's locked! It's locked! - It's a push.
- Okay.
Okay.
Speaking of bullcrap stories, you did not sleep with Madonna right before we started dating.
I slept with Taylor Dayne.
Same thing.
Hey, look at us, huh? - We, uh, repaired a car.
- Mm-hmm.
We walked through the desert.
- Got your weird Grandma sewing thing.
- Yay! - All in time for me to make my date.
- Right.
Your date.
Okay, you asked for bullet points.
Here they are.
- Okay, good.
- Be a real person.
- Got it.
Be a real person.
- Ask questions.
Listen to her answers.
- Right.
- And if you want extra credit, give her a call after the date and tell her you had a nice time.
I went all the way to the desert for that? Get out.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Fist grab.
- Weird.
That feels right.
Have a good night.
Yup.
You, too.
Uh, dude, we are crushing this sex pals thing.
Thank you, Susan Boyle.
Yeah, it's not over yet.
You ready to go again? What the hell was that?! Wait.
What is that? Is that a bat?! I definitely don't play baseball.
Did you bring that from home? - What are they doing? - Oh, that's just Jordan and his girlfriend She's a junior, so go Jordan.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
They do everything together.
You sure? Oh! Ugh.
Damn it.
What? I'm thinking about Jordan and his girlfriend, and I'm thinking maybe I might want what those dorks have a real relationship.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You know, we'd be a real, normal family.
Uh, but.
.
what if things end badly like every relationship I've ever had? And what if we end up hating each other, like every relationship I've ever had? We'd be one of those families that drops their kid off at each other's houses without saying a word to each other.
We can't do this, can we? So friends without benefits? Friends without benefits.
One last benefit wouldn't hurt anyone.
- I'm gonna obliterate you.
- Oh, good.
You know, a wise woman told me to call someone to let 'em know I had a nice time with them, so, uh, this is me calling to say that I had a good time with you.
You know my number.
How did your date go? It was okay.
I mean I don't think I found my Amal.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
It's all right.
My Amal is out there somewhere.
Hope you don't mind, I used your shampoo.
And your conditioner, and your volumizer, and your finishing rinse.
Heidi's at your place?! Oh, just 'cause she's not my Amal doesn't mean she can't be my Taylor Dayne.
- Oh, my God.
- Bye.
- Who were you on the phone with? - My grandma.