Grandma's House (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

Don't make a big deal.
I was in the area.
Just texted you.
Phone's in my bag.
Why? Is it off? This is what you're wearing - on my wedding day.
OK.
It's a jacket.
What's all this? Shouldn't you be dressed as someone about to consign themselves to a doomed marriage? 'Wedding off for the minute.
Grandpa had funny turn.
Keep you posted.
' It's all off.
No, postponed.
It could still happen today.
They've offered us a later slot if we need it.
So pleased he came.
I knew you'd come in the end.
I'll get you a drink, yeah? She alright? I've been chanting for this.
Oh shut up.
Why didn't you call me? I didn't want to wake you, you need your sleep.
Oh he loves his mummy, doesn't he? Should we get married instead? Oh, Tanya, you'll make him peculiar.
He's fine.
I am peculiar.
I'm officially a claustrophobic narcissist, did I tell you? You're not still doing silly group therapy, are you? No, that one was awful.
You have to listen to other people's problems.
Good.
You don't need it.
All in a tiny room together.
Couldn't breathe.
What a performance.
Nearly had to call it off completely, today.
It can't be today now, Mum.
You could still do it today.
We don't know.
So is it on or off? What does it depend on? What are we waiting for? I have to leave early, I'm meeting Ben.
Who's Ben? Ben the twitchy actor? Ben Theodore, the greatest actor of his generation.
He emailed back.
Can you believe he emailed back? He's doing a play in New York.
Oh, I should've asked about Grandpa.
Is he alright? What's happened? I'm a terrible person.
Well, here he is, the meshugganah.
Maybe you'll eat all your dinner next time if you're gonna feel weak.
Just thought it was a bit dry, that's all.
It's the same chicken I've made for 50 years.
What do you want, such moist chicken all of a sudden? Leave him.
It's not his fault.
They had to take me to St George's.
Three hour wait.
And there was nothing wrong with me.
All I need is rest.
So what, so nothing's wrong? Why are you smiling? He's alright now.
Maybe.
How'd you know the wedding was off? Postponed! I didn't.
This is my look.
He's making a nonchalant protest.
He looks a total schmuck in that lot.
Go on.
Ben Theodore.
What does the email say? That doesn't matter.
He emailed.
It matters.
What did he say? Was it flirty? Ready? 'Hey, I'm going to be in New York for two months.
Would be lovely to see you before I go.
If you're free, I'll be at the Bricklayers Arms, Shoreditch, Sunday, from 6:00.
Kiss.
' That's a group email.
I know but he included me in it.
It's vulnerable.
It's sweet.
He's not the sort of person who can just put himself out there.
This is just his way in with me.
Yeah.
Either that or he just sent it to everyone on his contact list.
So the wedding's off, that's good.
Oi, you can still do it today.
Bernie's fine now.
Can't do it today.
I've been up all night with you people.
Well, I don't mind if it's today, tomorrow We're off on the cruise tomorrow.
You're well enough for a cruise, are ya? Can't wait.
Shush.
We'll see.
If she gets married today, then we can go.
Don't be silly.
Sure you don't want to just get it done today? Then you can finally move out of your old house.
And 50's the right age.
It's not 55.
Or 60.
Can you imagine? Doesn't matter if we have to do it tomorrow.
Not the end of the world.
We have to leave, 11:00.
We're only going now if she gets married today.
Don't miss your cruise.
I'll get you married first, then I'll go on a cruise.
Oh, look at you.
What was that? Daddy's bringing the suitcases down for tomorrow.
I told him not to.
I thought he was ill.
He is.
What's that bullshit? It's my fascinator.
Why are you dressed? I told you it's not happening.
Registrar's trying to fit us in at 5:00.
Need to let her know if we're going to use her slot.
It's the happiest day of Simon's life.
Shush.
You look nice.
I've come as a dick.
Can you make some calls, please? It's not definitely off.
The caterers are setting up at my house.
And I've got us a new slot, please God.
You won't get your money back now.
Shush.
You said last night it's not definitely not happening.
Alright.
Calm down.
Can you just sit? You said we were going to make a decision at 10:30 this morning.
It's now 10:36.
Barry is blowing up 20 balloons as we speak.
20? Gosh.
How you feeling, Dad? OK.
Might go and get my golf clubs from Monty Samuels.
You being funny? Sit.
You've been at hospital all night.
Must be exhausted from it.
I need clubs.
Got a PGA professional and a simulator on the ship.
Why has Monty got them? He borrowed them when I had cancer.
Oh, lovely.
Mum, why didn't you call me? Tanya said not to.
You don't need to go and get them yet.
Sit down.
We don't know what's happening yet.
You would only have panicked.
You give Mum tension.
When do I give Mum tension? Look at her.
That's you.
It's not you cancelling the wedding? Postponing.
She was fine till you walked in with your peach salmon fascinator.
Girls, don't argue.
Oh, my chest! I'm fine.
That's you! Don't want a whole fuss today.
Now, Simon, will you go upstairs and help Grandpa with his speech? Check it's alright.
Does he still need a speech? Just shush.
Just be a good boy.
Can I take this off? No, leave it.
We don't know what's happening yet.
What are we doing? Deciding whether the wedding's happening? All day? Adam.
He's driven me mad, this week.
You don't want to know what I've had to deal with.
What have you had to deal with? Oh, shut up.
It's a secret.
Like Mum's new beard cream.
Oi! Look, we need to make a decision.
It's 10:38.
I think give it a go.
I can't make a decision now.
Just give me a second.
Want me to phone Barry, tell him to stop blowing? No, keep blowing.
What is it? There's a, what is it? Leave it.
Nice.
Come on, Simon.
Go on then.
Skip the beginning.
'Clive has shown himself to be exactly the sort of person we had always hoped Tanya would marry.
He has immaculate taste.
After all, he supports Arsenal and he chose Tanya, didn't he?' Is this from the Internet? Yeah.
Did you ever support Arsenal? Yeah, why not? 'You know, it seems like only yesterday that I found Tanya playing with her new tea set.
'Are you washing the dishes?' I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"And I'm drying them as well because I'm not married yet.
" Clive, you have been warned.
' Really? 'In those days, Tanya's weekends were taken up with ballet and the pony club.
She called her pony Radish and used to call it Horseradish.
' OK.
So wishing it was off? 'But seriously -' There's more? That's as far as I've got.
I can't really say we never thought she'd find anyone who'd marry her.
No.
What do you actually think about the whole thing? How do you feel about Clive? I don't know.
Your mother likes him.
You don't like him? No, it's none of my business.
He's a bit of a schmuck.
What can we do? Wouldn't you be more upset if she ends up marrying the schmuck? Wouldn't be the first time.
Oh, sorry.
That's fine.
When did you last talk to Clive? Last night while I was at the hospital.
What did he say? Er, I don't know, just went quiet.
No argument? He was philosophical about it.
Go on, tell me what your email to him was.
Do we have to? Ready? 'Hello, Ben Theodore.
' Why did you write his surname? Because it makes it formal, funny.
Makes it sound exactly like that guy's who's never gonna pull him.
It's kooky.
Oh, Ben Theodore, I'm your number one fan.
Can I touch your penis, please? That's my next line.
You haven't even told us about Vegas, Tanya.
Sh, carry on.
'Lovely seeing you at my grandma's house.
How do you feel about some eating and talking at some point? Simon.
Kiss.
' Eating and talking? I've deconstructed the concept of a date to make it less confrontational.
Shows I'm self-aware.
What? Wow.
Did Clive like Bette Midler? Ah, he said it did what it said on the tin.
That sounds joyful.
So you hate him.
It's off, right? It's postponed.
Till when? I'm talking to you.
So did he respond to the eating and talking? You know he did.
He's invited me to the leaving do where there'll be conversation and possibly some food.
And, coincidentally, I'm also going to New York.
You're not going to New York.
I am now.
It's booked.
You stalking him? I'm not stalking.
He's in my life, man.
What did you tell him you're doing in New York? You're not doing anything in New York.
I'll be writing my play and attending drama school.
Are you? Where are you going to stay? I read about this cool studio space in the Bronx full of actor-y type people.
Quite bohemian.
Oh, God! So you'll be sleeping on a stranger's floor, pretending to write a play? I imagine I'll be at Ben's most of the time.
Do you want to sleep with him or be him? Both.
That's normal, isn't it? It's ridiculous.
You're not going.
We've got the leaving do tonight.
He's got a leaving do.
You're just following him.
We're very close now.
Call him now and tell him you're not going.
I haven't got his phone number.
Tanya, did something happen in Vegas? No.
We saw the shows, we ate.
What do you want from me? You've been on holiday.
Oh and Clive threatened to punch a waitress.
That was a moment.
What? His food was taking a while.
So he asked me if I minded if he said something.
So I said fine.
Thought he was going to choke her.
What, and that was the highlight? Clive revealing he's got anger issues, as well as a history of alcoholism, murder and child staining.
Oh, shut up, Simon.
These Americans don't understand our sense of humour.
I imagine they'd have some trouble with yours.
Can you just call these people, please? Oh, hi, it's Liz.
Yeah, Tanya's sister.
Yeah.
Sorry to be a pain but our dad's been a bit ill in the night, so we're gonna postpone the wedding.
No, no, no.
He's fine but Yeah.
Yeah, no, it could still happen today.
No, it couldn't.
Why not? Well, we don't know yet.
Definitely off.
No? Oh, that's just Simon being funny about pop music.
So it could still happen.
It won't happen today.
Don't drive people mad.
Say maybe next week.
Alright.
We'll call you later to confirm.
Don't make any other plans.
Maybe make plans! Alright, bye.
Make plans! What's wrong with you? You never know.
My house is ready.
I'm not.
Mum, come on.
Liz has got her house.
Barry's blown up 20 balloons.
Do I have to call these people myself? Give me the phone.
I'll do them.
No, I can - Gimme! See what you've caused.
Ridiculous, you are.
What's going on with Adam? Nothing.
I'm moving him.
Are you? Again? I can't call all these people.
You're going to drive him potty.
Haven't you run out of schools? Barkingside High.
That's where he was to start with.
Before you moved him three times.
Bloody good school.
Great choice.
Couldn't get him into a Catholic school for some stupid reason.
Was it the old not enough skin around the top of his willy rule? Oi.
And the other state school's full.
And he was wrongly accused at Mayesbrook Park.
Are we still saying wrongly accused? He didn't daub anything.
His hands were spotless.
They didn't smell.
Gloves.
It wasn't his handwriting.
Anyway, he's not gonna be able to stay at this private school either.
Why? No reason.
There must be something else to it.
Nothing else to it.
Fishy.
It's not fishy.
Maybe you're fishy.
Anyway, I'm just gonna try and get him back into Barkingside High, OK? Didn't you say the place was full of drug dealers and perverts? Simon went there.
Yeah, well, he's not a drug dealer.
What about the Muslim school? Oh, shut up! Now they're circumcised.
You love the Catholics, you hate the Muslims.
Do you prefer Boyzone's version of Father And Son? What? Don't worry, I was trying something there, it didn't really work.
Should I make some more tea? Yes, please.
Oh.
Get off.
What've you done now? What? Definitely not wanking.
Why? Shall I tell them? Oh, I don't care.
Don't tell Mum.
He dragged a girl out of his classroom by her legs last week.
Really? Why? I was gonna get off with her.
Oh, yeah? Didn't work out? The teacher started shouting.
Thought I was forcing her against her will.
'Cause you had her by the legs.
It's not a big deal.
OK? And I bit her.
Lightly.
Only because she wouldn't stop screaming.
Why would you drag her by the legs? She's my girlfriend.
Alright, Adam.
Do you want to go and play? Got to be a better way of seducing someone.
Yeah.
'Would you like to go out for some eating and talking?' Adam, go upstairs.
It's kooky.
It's kooky.
So why have you got to move him? Well, they asked if maybe he might be better off somewhere else.
He's been expelled? Excluded.
It's for a build-up of incidents.
It's not his fault.
Whose fault is it? Is it the immigrants? The single mothers? Yobs? Hoodies? Europe? What are we going to do about this bloody sex pest? What? Simon.
What does he mean, sex pest? Adam's finally actually raped someone.
He hasn't!? Well, of course he hasn't.
It's just legs.
It's absolutely happening.
Yeah.
100%.
I'm just unable to say precisely when at the moment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
I've got 20 balloons all ready to go and everything.
Yeah, it's a bloody shame.
Can someone confirm the wedding definitely isn't happening today? Isn't it? I don't want to be selfish but I have got a date with an award-winning actor.
Right.
I want an answer now.
Is this thing happening? Yes or no? What's going on? Sh.
I don't know.
I haven't decided yet.
What are you talking about? What is she saying? She's gone off Clive.
The whole thing's over.
Oh, God.
No, I haven't.
Calm down, Mum.
I just I'm not sure, anymore.
It's just nerves.
There's no reason why you can't still marry him.
No, I can't think of one.
Simon.
Oh, God, is it hot in here? Maybe I'm hyperventilating.
Breathe, Mum.
Here, sit down.
Oh, gosh.
No, I'm alright.
Mum.
We really didn't get on well in Vegas.
This is why you shouldn't go on a pre-wedding honeymoon.
Spend all that time together.
Maybe it was too warm in Vegas.
You can't think in that heat.
You remember, Bernie, last summer we couldn't breathe in here.
Then he got an electric fan and it was much better, wasn't it? From Argos.
Otherwise you go mad.
Do you want me to get it? Oh, there are my keys.
I can go to Monty's now.
Not now! I feel like I'm going a bit demented with it all.
You can't just cancel a wedding because of a holiday.
Maybe you don't like Las Vegas.
Maybe you go to Italy next time.
Or Russia.
Exactly.
Does it matter that she doesn't like him? Oh, shut up, Simon, it's none of your business.
Tanya, every time.
What, every time? Do you know the time and money I put into this house for this party? We could party to celebrate Mum's freedom? Not funny.
Not funny? OK.
Sorry.
I'm going.
I've got to order a cab.
I'm going home.
OK? Yeah, alright, just hang on a minute.
I mean, you shouldn't have to marry someone you don't want to marry.
Maybe you're not too old to find someone.
What would you do, go dancing again? You could get a job if that's what would make you happy.
You've still got Simon.
Maybe you could move in with him.
Or Daddy could start driving the cab again.
I don't know.
It doesn't matter how I feel.
They can say whatever they like at Kalooki.
I should care anymore.
Maybe 60's fine for getting married.
What do I know? Everyone alright? What? Right.
What did I miss? You do not have a date.
You're deluded.
You need to stop living in a dream world and get out there and get yourself a proper job.
It's enough now.
What's happened? Right, Liz, could you call people, please, and tell them I am getting married today.
What?! I'll call Clive.
Lovely.
Oh, for God's sake.
Sorry, what's happened? It's back on.
You missed it.
How? I've got to go home.
I've got a date.
Call everyone, quick.
He's not picking up.
Shit.
What's happened? I've got to go home and get my outfit on.
Well, I'm ready.
You still going to wear that? What's going on? Hello.
Simon can go and get it in his cab.
Shut up.
That cab's taking me where people make sense.
Daddy will go.
Have you got your keys? You going to let my ill dad go out in the cold? He's not ill.
He just doesn't like Clive.
Will you tell them? He thinks he's a schmuck.
Silly.
I'll go now.
He said schmuck.
Schmuck.
Fine.
Do what you want.
You get married.
Why not? Have a bloody ball.
I'm going.
I'm really going.
I'm walking away.
I'm Craig David.
Oh, my God.
What? Ben.
'Dear friends, you probably all know by now about the play's funding, so no New York.
Drinks still on.
If you're around.
' Right.
So are you still going to New York? I don't know.
No? Yeah.
No? Right, it's the chunky key for the front door, then that blue one, OK? Eau de Nil trouser suit hanging on the wardrobe door.
Look, if you're not sure about Clive We're very proud of you, you don't need to do anything.
For God's sake, I'm getting married, you're going on your cruise, OK, it's enough now.
Maybe I'm starting to feel a bit - Just go! What? Who's banging? Tanya! It's Clive.
Is it? Tanya! I'm coming.
Is he alright? I don't know.
What's he doing here? Should be at the registry office.
Look, everyone, Clive's come to see Tanya.
Well, sit down, sit down.
Does the happy groom want a roll, a drink? 'I'm not sure anymore.
I'm not sure.
' I know what that means.
What's wrong? Are you drunk? Fucked.
He's fucked.
Does he want a banana? Are you OK, darling? Did you drive here like this? OK.
I've got to go.
My cab's here.
You can't go.
There he is! The teacher trying to cross me out with his red pen.
Best man! Alright, Clive.
Words.
Didn't even come to the stag do.
Just left me outside Secrets waiting like an autograph hunter for strippers.
You know I was busy.
I know, your mum told me.
I was working on a screenplay.
Bloody migraine.
Yeah, I had a migraine.
Yeah, well, your loss.
Had a bloody good laugh.
'No touching!' 'OK, darling.
' Should you have been drinking? Aren't you Oh, here we go, Mr Funny Bollocks.
You're not on your TV show now, you know.
There's no, look, there's no team of people here to make you look good.
Alright, Clive.
Always judging.
Judge Dredd.
Judge - Shall I make him some tea? Does he want some tea? Judge Judy! That's who you are.
Trying to save his mummy from this old brute.
Well, who are you? Hey! Who are you? Alright, OK, alright.
What? What? Chatty bollocks.
Here he is, the knight in shining armour.
Well, where's your horse? Hm? Clippety clop.
Oh.
Oh.
Clippety clop.
Where's your horse? Hm? Oh.
I've got that shirt.
Well, this is a white shirt.
I've got a similar one.
It's nice.
Why aren't you wearing it then? What are you looking at? Oh, God.
You wouldn't last five minutes in my world.
Come here! Stop.
Clive! Go on, be a man.
Where's your joke book now? Think you're Jimmy Tarbuck? Not really.
Clive, put him down.
Clive.
Yes, alright, it's fine, Mum.
Yeah? You don't know what to do now, do you? Hey? Well, you know, you're not actually worth it.
Hey, you snivelling shitbag.
Clive! What was that? Was that legal? Right, just calm down.
Don't talk to Clive.
He hurt me.
Come with me for a minute.
Right.
Coming, darling.
Oh, hello, Liz.
Glad someone made an effort.
I think I dealt with it quite well.
Is Clive alright? What about me? 'What about me?' Why'd you have to go and aggravate him? I've been assaulted.
It was hilarious.
It wasn't hilarious.
It was quite terrifying.
I filmed it.
Look, you want to see? You totally shat yourself.
Alright, can you delete it? Delete it, Adam.
Delete it or put it on YouTube.
Please, delete it.
I've got a date tonight.
This jacket would be very expensive in a shop.
Did anyone want to help me there? I would've but I was filming.
Didn't want to spoil the magic.
He refuses to leave unless I get back with him.
How romantic.
You're not marrying him now? He's assaulted your child.
Sh.
Just shush now.
What's he doing? Slumped in the kitchen.
He'll fall asleep in a minute.
You OK with that? A man assaulting your child? Alright, Simon, just calm down, will you? Liz wants to ask you something.
Now? Yeah.
It'll give me a minute to think.
What is it, Liz? OK, you can stop filming now.
Put it away.
It's not a big deal.
It's just Adam's school, the one I'm trying to get him into.
Is this the conversation we're having while there's a drunk sociopath asleep in the kitchen? It's important.
They're opening a new part of the school.
Dedicated to media studies.
Media studies.
And they asked me to ask you if you'd open it next Thursday.
They want you to open their new media wing.
Really? Open a wing? What do you think of that? Can you believe it? What with scissors and a ribbon? It's up to you.
I'm just passing the message on.
I think they'd put your name up on a plaque.
Mm.
A plaque? Really? You open the wing.
Do it for your mother.
Give me a bit of joy in my life.
Go on, you didn't bring me a wedding present.
You're not going to New York now.
Is this what I am now? Some guy who used to be on TV is now opening a media wing in Barkingside.
Alright, fine.
Fine, I'll do it.
Fine.
Really? Oh, you're a good boy.
I don't need a plaque though.
You do.
What for? We're all going to die.
Don't say that.
Not with a plaque.
The building will be knocked down in 40 years, it's pointless.
How can it be pointless to have a plaque with your name? I just don't want a plaque.
I don't care what you want.
When is it? I'm coming with you.
It's a fucking media wing.
Well, it's not really a wing, Tanya.
What is it then? It's just their new media space.
Alright then, a media space.
What was it before? I don't know.
Just a general classroom.
What is it? They want me to open a room? It's all been refurbished.
They got a new door.
They want me to open a door? Don't be stupid.
It's all really modern.
They've actually got an automatic door.
They want me to stand on a mat near a door? Also, they're doing their own version of Barkingside's Got Talent.
I said that you'd be a judge.
Can I talk to my agent first? You haven't got an agent anymore.
You pulled the plug.
Remember? Let's get real for a minute here, Simon.
Are you listening to me? I'm looking at you.
Shall I carry on? I haven't interrupted.
This is what you do.
You're a TV presenter and you haven't got a show to present.
I don't know what you thought would happen.
I wanted something different.
You're in a fantasy world.
You're running out of money.
If you do this, you start to get back into things.
How does standing on a mat help? Dad.
Yeah? The cake's been delivered to my house.
Alright, just leave it there, Dad.
Hello? Gone.
Now, can you please just go and apologise to Clive? Me? What am I apologising for? For being abused? Oh, well, if you're gonna be like that, you can forget about opening the media space.
I wasn't gonna open your media space.
They didn't ask you anyway.
What? Oh, what? You suggested it?! Oh, thanks.
OK.
Great.
So you're my new agent? I've got to go.
I've got to find love.
So go! I can't go.
Anything could happen.
She'd end up marrying Gazza in there.
He'll be fine in an hour.
Is this what we're doing? Waiting for him to sober up so he can marry your daughter? Is that what we're doing? Just shush a minute, yeah.
Maybe Simon's right.
Maybe he is a maniac.
I don't know if you should marry him now.
Finally.
I thought he was actually going to have to murder one of us.
You sure, Mum? I mean, he is a bit much, isn't he? A bit much.
A little bit much.
He's not like that all the time.
I think once is enough, Liz.
We suffered with one bastard husband, sorry, Simon, we don't need another one.
I don't want you marrying him if he's like that.
OK, folks.
OK.
Bad form, I know.
What was I doing? Jesus! Don't drink, Clive! I can't believe I just done that to my best bloody mate.
Alright, it's all done now.
Can't go backwards.
Thank you.
Give him a medal for compassion.
I'm getting a plaque for opening a door.
I know I've done wrong.
I feel awful.
I've turned all of your lives upside down.
I'm sorry.
Half-time won't be the same.
Yuck.
I'm going.
OK.
I get it.
No, it's Simon.
We're really sorry, Clive.
Better luck next time, eh? Maybe just leave us for a bit, yeah? I'll talk to you later.
Just try and remember me by the good times, eh, Si? Alright.
How's Clive getting home? Can he take your cab? He'll be alright.
That was fun, wasn't it? Wasn't that fun! Who have you got lined up for us next time? Charles Manson? Duncan Bannatyne? I'll see if bin Laden is single.
You got his number? I'll have a look.
Ooh! Dad! I think he's broken my foot, the schmuck! See.
Schmuck.
You idiot.
Call an ambulance.
Take it easy.
I'll call an ambulance.
We're taking a cab.
You need my car to pick up the suit.
Wish YOU were on the pavement.
My right one.
You get in with him, alright? Why am I getting in with him? Because you're the man now.
You're here to look after us.
Don't put weight on it.
Simon's gorgeous.
You're not supposed to move people.
Put him back.
Don't put any weight on it.
Come on, Simon.
Is there any chance we could go via Shoreditch? Shut up.