Great Night Out (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Ta.
Thanks, babe.
4-3-3, that is how you beat United.
Attack them, they won't expect that.
Nah, defend for our lives then hit them on the counter, lone striker, who's our best player for that, Daz? Garibaldi.
Is that that Italian who's on loan from Telford? That's Garofoli, you weapon.
Oh yeah.
You all right, Daz? Um, yeah, yeah, never better.
Tomorrow is going to be the greatest day of my life.
Eh, you'll got more spanked than an MP in Soho, it'll be a miracle if United don't put at least ten goals past you.
But, eh, why don't you come here to watch the massacre? Nice and warm, you can have pint to numb the pain.
Not the same as being there Warren This is in HD.
I just watched Titanic is HD, I thought I was on the frigging boat and it was so clear, I've now got a phobia of the other thingy.
What, Kate Winslet? No, bloody icebergs.
If I see an iceberg now I shit me bloody self.
Wahey, here he is, come on then, let's see those golden tickets.
Right, there might be a slight problem with that.
Go on.
I'm being serious, dog ate them.
You haven't got a dog.
Tony's.
I'm looking after it and his house while he's in Moscow on business.
It weren't my fault, I left them on the counter, next thing, Napoleon's chewing on them.
Please say that you are lying, Glyn, please.
It might just be a case of, you know, sticking them back together.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, no don't worry, we can still use these at a bloody wedding! The biggest game in living memory and we're not going.
Don't, I feel sick.
How many more times can I say I'm sorry? Hundred at least.
One for every pint you'll be buying to make up for this disaster.
All right then, boys, I suppose you'll be watching the match in here after all, eh? Don't worry, I'm gonna reserve this table for you.
Ah, cheers, Warren.
No problem, young man.
Fiver entrance fee by the way each.
Uh, looking on the bright side, I um I might be paying a tenner to get in if tonight goes well.
You're dressed up, you're wearing that shirt.
What shirt? That shirt.
Your date shirt.
The kind of shirt that says 'I'm so comfortable in my masculinity, I can wear something only seen before on John Barrowman.
Go on then, who is she, how did meet her? Her name's Natalie and er, we met on a dating website.
It's better than lucky dip in Smokey's, they find out how compatible you are, we're 86%.
We both love Chinese, I'm gonna take her to Mr Wong's.
Well, show us a photo.
She hasn't sent one.
Oooh.
Sod off! Just cos she hasn't put a photo up does not mean that she is a minger.
No, she might be spotty and ugly.
And what if she's a bloke? A Chinese with an ugly, spotty bloke.
I'll phone Colleen for advice then, ask her how she copes sitting across a table from you? Listen, Colleen loves me and I love Colleen.
Which is why I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
When did this happen? The other night.
I was round her place watching the telly, right, and she comes in with a cup of tea and guess what a garibaldi, they're me favourite.
My mam used to buy them whenever I needed cheering up.
Must have cost her a fortune.
Now here's Col offering me the same thing, she loves, she gets me.
It's time, I'm gonna ask her this weekend.
Right, County beat United, Toby Carvery and Colleen says yes.
I can't believe it, what kind of sicko likes Garibaldi biscuits? Not you, you big ticket loser.
Come on! Mr Wong, good to see you, mate.
You owe me two toilet rolls.
What? Ah, no, I didn't take your toilet rolls, Mr Wong.
Quilted, floral pattern, one previous owner, me.
Why would I steal your sodding bog rolls? You tell me.
Is it Matthew? Yes, I am definitely Matthew.
I'm Natalie.
I'm Matthew, I've just said that.
Erm You can call me Beggsy.
Love that shirt.
Thank you.
I'm wearing a onesie.
Well, I can see that, Bev.
Colleen's not in.
No, I know, I just spoke to her before.
You shouldn't really be in here, Daz, not when Col's out.
Where's her jewellery? Are you stealing from her? Why would I do that? Gambling debts, kleptomania.
I will call the police, I could recognise you in a line up.
I'm not stealing from her, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Ssh, you can't say anything, you've got to keep this a secret.
No problem, Colleen entrusts me with all her secrets, I even know where she hides her diary.
I want to surprise her, with a ring, but I don't know her ring size, so where does she keep her jewellery? Second drawer.
So romantic, someone once surprised me with an engagement ring.
A noble and handsome prince.
It was in a story I wrote, he saved me from an ice dragon.
Do you wanna read it? Er No, no, maybe some other time, eh? What ring you buying? An engagement ring.
No, what cut, how many carats, what colour gold? What? Gold's gold, in't it? There's white gold, yellow gold, rose gold.
Which one would Colleen like? I'm not sure.
But there might be something in her diary.
Andy buggered off to Australia and I was left bringing up Luca on my own.
You're kidding, my ex, Mandy, she ran off to Australia.
You're joking.
It's like parallel lives.
don't say 11.
That's the same as my Kelly.
Sod 86% compatibility, we're looking at 100%.
Although I'm sure you'll find something about me that you hate.
Haven't so far.
OK.
All right then.
Let's see.
I prefer red wine to white.
So do I.
I have to, have to, sleep on the right hand side of the bed.
I'm a leftie.
OK, now this will do it.
I love football, and I'm not talking just general bloke liking football, it is an essential part of my life.
I'm going to the match tomorrow.
A-hah! Are you? No, long story, I've got a mate who's an idiot.
Do you think we'll win? I reckon we'll smash 'em.
Shut their gobby fans up good and proper.
I just hope I look that good when I'm 80.
Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Did you get all that? Yeah.
Oh, I'm watching this documentary.
The Boy With The Wrong Eyebrows.
Great Auntie Jean's hip's cleared up so we're having her party tomorrow after all.
Esteban has got a rare genetic disorder, so the hairs grow too fast.
He can't ride a bike or.
.
Oh, tomorrow! Great Auntie Jean's 80th birthday party is tomorrow.
No, we're not going.
County play United tomorrow for the first time in years.
Auntie Jean can sod right off with her birthday party.
Hodge - I am not missing the match, end of.
You don't have to, the party's earlier.
Auntie Jean wants it done, everyone gone, so she can watch Colombo in the afternoon.
Selfish old bat.
Oi, you're going and you'll be polite.
Fine, but I don't like her, she looks down her nose at me.
Not any more, she's got curvature of the spine.
I knew she didn't like that Incredible Hulk biscuit barrel I bought her last Christmas.
There's nothing about gold, though.
Will you help me choose one? You know, one that she likes.
A biscuit barrel? An engagement ring.
Oh, what's in it for me? You'd be allowed to the wedding? Cats the musical.
What? Cats the musical, it's a musical about Cats.
Buy me a ticket and I'll help you choose the ring of Col's dreams.
I'm not buying you a ticket.
Buy the wrong ring, you'll break her heart.
All right, fine, fine.
Everything all right? Oh, everything's fine, Colleen.
Everything's just fine.
Eh.
I've got something for you.
Oh, aye? Aha! Well, he was giving you such a hard time about it, what a knob.
I know.
So, here we are.
Right, so Do you want to come in for a coffee Yes, please.
You coming? Yeah.
Hiya How do, I'm Karl, Nat's Dad.
You must be Matthew.
Hiya, yeah.
Come in, come in, make yourself comfy.
You're a United fan, then? Yeah, we all are in this house, lad.
Cut us, we all bleed red.
Well, that is the colour of blood.
I know.
Do you mind if I just use your toilet? Come on.
Beggsy? It's not you, it's Sir Alex.
These places are designed to rip you off so follow my lead.
Hiya, we're looking for an engagement ring.
Er I'm getting married We are, to each other.
Right, well, this selection is very good for those on a budget.
Budget, are you saying my Daz is a cheap skate? No, I - Daz loves me.
Tell her how you proposed to me.
Oh, Tracy, you haven't lived till you've heard this.
My name's not Tracy.
Er It was It was a party, wasn't it, and that's about it, really.
No, it isn't.
It was a toga party, Daz went down on one knee and, lo, he dropped my engagement ring into a glass of top of the range champagne, not cava, champagne and Coldplay was playing, four lovely boys, we're inviting them to the wedding.
Your ring? Temporary ring, Haribo, ended up swallowing it.
Which is why we want a good one today.
Well, er, this is our medium price range, there we go.
That's a nice one.
Isn't it? I hate it.
What's wrong with it? You buy me that, I won't actually go through with the wedding.
Go and get the good ones.
Are you sure your boss won't mind us being here? He won't know, will he? Ta da! Isn't this nice, eh? Hm? You want to close them gates though, you said your boss had enemies.
No, he's just paranoid.
Anyway we've got Napoleon to protect us.
In't he the one that bit Beggsy on the bum? Yeah, but he's a changed dog, I've trained him.
Watch.
Napoleon, Cossacks.
Huh, see? Now me and you have got a weekend of romancing.
Apart from you nipping to the pub to watch your precious football.
Yeah, you don't mind, do you? No.
It'll give me time to prepare dinner, because I am cooking us something very special.
Oh? Eh, no peeking.
Eh, don't mind him, he just thinks you're attacking me.
Rufus, Rufus behave.
Oh, she was that worried about the leak, but I said 'Auntie Jean, Kath's Hodge is a plumber.
Why fork out money when he'll do it as part of your present?' You don't mind, do you, Hodge? No, of course I don't.
Love working for nowt on me day off.
Oh! Rufus! You all right? He's all right.
Rufus, stop it or I'll call the police.
What colour eye shadow is that, Auntie Kath? Pacific Blue, do you like it? Nah, makes you look like Avatar.
Kath, she's like this all the time now.
Like what? Least I'm not running round like I've got mentals.
Molly thinks Rufus has ODD.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder, I tell her, it's just high jinx, you were exactly the same at his age.
No I wasn't, I never set the shed on fire.
Ow! You sod! Rufus! She shouts at him, instead of talking and trying to establish reasonable behaviour parameters.
Right.
Even though she's mad at him, she takes it out on me.
I know what she's like and you know you can always stay with me and your Uncle Hodge any time, don't you? Today? Let it go, Rufus.
Let go of it, Rufus, I am not messing this time.
Erm Ask your mum.
So what if she was Man Utd, hardly makes her a bad person, does it? Debatable.
Oh, it's Man City fans you've got to watch out for, they cheat at cards.
I think I'm just destined to be on me own.
Well, you will be if you keep being so picky, everyone's got faults.
Crewe Alex supporters, very poor drivers.
I don't want to make another mistake, another Mandy.
You'll lonely for the rest of your days, then.
Aston Villa fans, don't pay their tax.
Stockport fans, bloody idiots.
No, what you need is intervention, assistance.
What you need is a fairy godmother.
Sheffield Wednesday fans, terrible in bed.
I didn't think, I'd be paying so much.
I got Tracy to give us a 5% discount, and aren't I worth it? Did you want the box for it? No, we'll be fine.
Er, yes I want the box, I need the box.
Right, hand it over.
I thought you'd be more grateful of my help.
I am, Bev, and I'll buy you tickets for Cats.
You don't have to, if I can keep this on a bit more.
Just for a bit longer, I like how it looks, how it makes me feel.
No, it's Colleen's.
Not yet, it isn't.
I'm giving her it after football, at Toby Carvery's before our pudding.
I'll keep it safe.
It could fall out of your pocket while you're celebrating a goal.
There's not much chance of that, is there? Give me the ring.
No, else I'll tell Col you read her diary.
No, hang on, you mean you do.
Give me the ring, Beverley.
Our first row.
It'll just be Molly, just for the weekend.
What about the football? You forfeit that to spend time with your niece.
Wha- I'm joking.
Come on, it'll be good for her, good for us, too, see how we cope.
If we ever decide we do want kids.
Auntie Kath, Mum says OK.
Well, that's settled then.
Uncle Hodge can see the football and we'll do something else, if you don't want to watch it, too.
You're joking, football's pathetic.
She's got a point.
So if I'm stopping at yours, can I choose what we eat? Yeah, of course.
And what to drink? Don't see why not.
Bacardi Breezers? Ooh, maybe not Bacardi Breezers Well we can discuss that and can I go to bed when I want? We can discuss that.
I've decided.
Hm? I don't want kids.
Right, just until I get back from the match, then you give it right back, OK? OK? Now, quick, hide it.
This is turning into a habit.
You do know when you come to see me I have to actually be in the house? Bye, babe.
What's up, you been sniffing that marker pen again? You been to the centre? Uh-huh.
Daz said he was going there.
I don't know what you're on about.
On about? I'm just say- Did you see him? No, and stop being so suspicious, else you'll lose him.
You've got a good one there, Col.
Cherish him.
Come on! Oh, we're having a right to-do.
He can't get his flap down.
Nightmare.
Too bloody right it is.
Warren, we'll only be able to see the top of their heads.
I'm doing my best, aren't I, you gang of gobshites? Could you do better? Shall I get a white sheet? Get the cavalry if you want! Linda, hurry up, the match starts in 20 minutes.
Daz, get up there and give him a hand.
TVs are your business, go on.
Go on, Daz, give it a good yank.
You tit head, do you know how much that cost? Aw, look, it's ripped in bloody pieces.
Look at it, bloody Cinemascope! What we gonna do now? I couldn't find a sheet but I got me white mac.
That wouldn't cover my arse.
Who's got the biggest telly? No, you haven't, not this weekend, anyway.
Piss off, no absolutely not.
Yeah, come on, Tony's telly's massive and he's got a pool.
And he's my boss and if he catches people in the house, I'm going to get killed, plus Julie is there slaving over a romantic dinner for two people.
Oh, I see.
It's not gonna happen.
It is gonna happen, it is not up for discussion, you still owe us for losing the tickets.
Fine, all right, but you're getting kicked out as soon as he blows that final whistle.
How much of that did you hear? Hear what? Will you relax, Glyn, no-one followed us.
Ooh, Julie, they look nice.
Glyn, this telly's massive Wahey, game on! I'm sorry, screen was bust in the Nelson so This is supposed to be our weekend, Glyn, you know our secret nest.
It still is, you know, it's only 90 minutes.
Well, more 105, actually, with half time and then you've got injury time.
Just give me one second.
He remembers us.
Napoleon.
.
out.
I knew it.
Hello, love, thanks for the invite.
What? Haven't you done well, who'd have thought chauffeuring would pay so well? No, it's not my house, I'm just dog sitting.
Wasn't your Jason arrested for that? No, that were dogging.
What you playing at? Oh don't panic, they've only just kicked off.
You can have your lager.
I don't want my lager, I want you lot to piss off.
That's typical of you.
You get all this bloody money, the first thing you do is abandon your bloody mates.
It's not my place! Where's your social conscience? Don't forget the little man on your rise to the top.
Do you know what, you're getting on my bloody nerves you, you're making me piss boil, go on, sod off! Oh, eh, by the way, get us a bucket of ice will you? Napoleon! He'll be fine in there, just come and enjoy the game.
Tony's gonna kill me.
Glyn, calm down, dear, and repeat after me.
He is not going to find out.
But his girlfriend might.
Hiya, Zoe.
What's going on here? Funny story, actually.
I'm gonna get everybody out.
Where's Tony? To quote the Beatles, back in the USSR, at least, as far as I know.
Didn't you go with him? Have you been to Moscow? He's never been to Matlock.
Don't just stand there looking gorgeous, get us a drink, game's on.
Come on, County! Oh no.
Can we go to the pub after? Yeah, why not? We'll get some wine down the local and then maybe go on to a late bar.
Really? No, not really, your mum would flip like a gymnast.
Actually, I could murder a drink.
We might go to a beer garden, might, and you can have crisps and pop.
I'm mature enough to drink.
Ha-hah! No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
You all right, chuck? Yeah, I'm just being silly.
I'm adding one and one together and coming up with Daz and Bev.
Daz and Bev? I can't put my finger on it.
He's coming round when I'm not there and then I walk in and him and Bev, they both look guilty.
But I thought Daz hated Bev.
He does.
Well, there you go, then, nothing to worry about.
Unless that's the perfect cover.
If I was cheating on someone and I didn't want anybody else to know, I'd say I hated him.
'And the referee' Well, we did all right, didn't we? Glyn, we lost 5-1.
You two look good together.
Like William and Kate.
This is her fella's house, you reckon I could compete with all this? Giving up before you've started again, I see.
Typical Stockport fan.
That's it, everybody, do you talking while you're walking.
You've had your Becks, shift your kecks.
Aw, let them stay, I'm not arsed.
No, no, we've run out of booze.
Well, thank Jesus Mary and Mungo I turned up.
Bev, what are you doing here? You tagged a Facebook photo of you and Hodge's arse celebrating a goal, and I just followed me nose.
Well, now you're here give me the ring back.
Slow down, Mr Fox, I've only just got here.
And I've got me party boots on.
Oi, Judy Finnegan, take our picture.
No.
I see you've found my secret stash.
Ha! So what else have you got hiding away? Oh, well, all sorts of goodies.
What exactly does your Tony do? My head in.
Huh! Looks like I'm about to pop my cork.
I wouldn't let your fella hear you say that.
Russian roulette would be less dangerous than messing with him.
Tony is possessive.
And violent.
You like excitement, then.
I guess I'm just not a takeaway in front of re-runs of Bullseye kinda girl.
So what are you, then? A trophy girlfriend losing her shine.
No, you support County, you're not all bad.
All that glitters is not gold.
Well, maybe you're not being looked after properly.
Bev uploaded it up to Facebook five minutes ago, title The Happy Couple.
Bloody hell! They're at a party.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
Yeah, so what is it? Get your coat Molly, we're going to a party.
Yes! Can I have a drink? No.
Then I'm not going.
OK, you can have one sip of one drink but I'm holding the glass.
It's Tony, turn the music off.
Where's the music coming from? Tony, how's Moscow? Music? What? Oh, that music, yeah, that's your bloody neighbours, that is.
Yeah, I've told them.
I said 'Can you keep it down?' they don't - Napoleon is champion, yeah, he's fit as a butcher's Yeah, he's running around.
Aw, he's happy as Larry.
Erm No, I'm looking at him now.
Tone, I'm just going into a tunnel, I think I'm gonna.
.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, noooo! Napoleon's dead.
I think when you get to your mid-30s, I don't know, you just get used to being a bit fed up.
You shouldn't, though.
Look at you, you're amazing.
Sometimes, I look in that mirror and a drag queen looks back.
Do you want to get to 40 and have regrets? I don't, I'm not going to settle for second best any more, not after Mandy.
Maybe I'm not as brave as yous.
I don't believe that for a second.
Anyway, 40's a long way off.
You say the sweetest things.
Looks like I'm just a glass half-empty kinda girl.
Sad, innit? I think I can sort that out Oh yeah? Mm, I bet you could.
Oop! Mm! Mm.
How did this happen? Well, he's killed himself, necked sleeping pills.
How many beers have you had? Dogs don't kill themselves.
Suicide note.
I've had enough of the way you treat me, this is good bye.
What a drama queen.
Er Reality check, dogs can't write.
I've never seen one.
What we gonna do? Certainly can't punctuate as good as that.
Oh my God, who's murdered this dog? It wasn't murder, it wasn't suicide, it's necked a load of those sleeping tablets.
Reads like suicide to me.
Dogs can't write.
Animals are clever, monkeys can fly space ships.
I can't bring a dog back to life, can I? Can you do voodoo? No.
Then no you can't.
We should bury him, or did he want cremating? Glyn, do you know if Mad Tony's got any glace cherries? I'm making a cocktail.
Yeah, I'm a bit busy at the moment, Warren.
Is it dead? No, Warren, we're getting it ready to show at Crufts.
The dog ate these tablets, Warren.
It might just be in a coma.
Come on, boy, come on, fetch, fetch, fetch! Doesn't seem to want to know, does it? Eh, you stay away from the bright lights, son, OK? Glyn, about them cherries, if you could get them down to me.
What's going on? Where you been? Trying to prepare a meal but when you hear people screaming 'The dog's dead!' curiosity gets the better of you.
Aw, poor thing.
Can you give a dog the kiss of life? Give it the kiss of life, Glyn.
Go on, go on.
Oh, fu Look the party's over, so you can just - Where are they? Who? Daz and Bev.
Well, they're upstairs.
Hello, Daz, Bev.
Great party.
Is that dog dead? What kind of party is it? An engagement party.
Happy couple? I've got three and a half ex-boyfriends, I want them jealous.
Right, I've had enough of you, ring, now.
It is your ring.
No.
Yeah, I mean, you know, it's your ring.
Colleen will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? You are kidding me.
What? It's been on her finger all day, we're in some strangers bedroom, there's a dead dog on the bed.
I know, I know, it's not exactly how I planned - So, can I have it back? I'll pay for it.
No.
It's mine, I chose it, it should be mine.
Watch it, I think she's gonna do a Gollum.
Yep, told you.
Hi Tony, yeah.
No, no, it wasn't a tunnel.
You what? Eh, that's great you've come back early.
Manchester airport, yep.
No, not a problem, I'll be there as quick as I can.
Help me.
I'm dead.
I say we do a runner.
Let's blame it on that Zoe.
Tony left me in charge.
I've ruined his house and killed his dog.
What am I gonna do? You could try tidying up.
Whoa, let's not lose our heads.
Call him, tell him the cars on the blink, you'll pick him up later.
Yes, then that will give us a bit of time to get everyone out and tidy up and then bring the dog back to life.
Just ring him, darling, cos you're wasting time.
What have you done with Molly Oh, Christ! Molly, Molly, you in here? What you doing in here, with her.
You are needed upstairs, the house needs cleaning, Daz has proposed but Bev swallowed the ring, my niece is missing, the dog is dead.
But he's left a suicide note.
Did he just say the dog's left a suicide note? Bloody thing must have found mine.
Right.
What? Don't worry, it were ages back, when I were upset, much more upsetter than usual.
Oh And er one other thing, most relevant considering the er Tony's on his way back here.
Oh my God.
What's she had? She's been necking anything she could get her hands on.
Lager, wine, anything.
So I offered to make her a special cocktail, just for herself.
You did what? Rum, whisky, Tabasco, milk, any crap I could get hold of.
It's an old landlords' trick for underage drinkers.
She won't touch another drink for four or five years.
I've done you a favour here.
You all right, sweetheart? I don't think I like drinking, Auntie Kath.
Yeah OK, no, no problem, Tony, all right, bye.
He wants to know what's up with the car, he's getting a taxi.
How long does that give us? Half an hour.
Right, where does he keep the rubbish bags? You are a beautiful woman.
There's no time for that now, Glyn, we've got your balls to save.
Thank you.
You all right Bev? You swallowed anything else, necklaces, brooches, a car? I'm sorry Col, I saw red but being part of a couple, choosing a ring together, felt great.
Yeah, but think how much better it's going to feel, when you get to do that with your own real boyfriend.
Do you think I'll get one? Absolutely, but you've got to stop acting like a fruitcake around men.
I'll try, I'm gonna sit over there by that stone frog.
You haven't even washed it.
How far down her gullet did it go? I'll say this for Bev, she's got good taste.
So, you do like it? It's beautiful.
So, is that a yes? What's brought this on, Daz? Last week you were questioning the longevity of our relationship because I threw your tatty boxers out.
Cos they were my lucky pair.
They had more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire.
And now you're proposing.
What's changed? It's because I realised, that you're the one.
I like what I like I like you.
So what's your answer? Oi! Can you give us a hand, he's in a cab on his way back.
You, out.
Right, this ain't gonna work, Glyn, and you've got Napoleon's grave to dig.
Oh, you're right, I'll get on that now.
Glyn, is this Mad Tony about six foot, has a wild expression like this? Yeah, that's him, why? He just pulled up in a cab.
Oh shit! Shit he's here, OK, OK, OK, OK.
He's just pulled up.
Out the back Where's Beggsy? The last time I saw him, he was in the hot tub with Zoe What?! Has Bev gone? Has Warren gone? Is he still in there? Just go! Glyn, wait.
There's a crisp in your hair.
Good luck.
Tonyyyyyy! Don't you Tony me.
Now what's wrong with the Lexus? It won't start.
And the Audi? Same.
What's going on, Glyn? It's nothing, there's nothing going on.
Napoleon! Where's Napoleon? Tony - Napoleon! Tony, it's quite funny, actually.
Well, it's not but, Tony Napoleon's dead.
Dead dead.
.
happy to see you.
Aw, look, he's missed you, I've missed you, have you missed him? He's an alive dog, he is not a dead dog, ooh! Why would Napoleon be dead? Eh, yeah well that's a good question innit, why would Napoleon be dead? It's not as if he's eaten sleeping pills, fallen asleep, me thinking he's dead.
He wouldn't do that.
Rambling, am I rambling? Are you OK, Glyn? Yes.
No.
A bit light headed.
I hope the house is just how I left it.
God, so do I.
So, why're you back early, Tone? Financial director I was supposed to be meeting fell out of ten storey window yesterday Uh tragic.
That's Moscow.
Well, you've looked after this place, it seems.
Have I? I have.
Everything's just as you left it.
What's got into Napoleon? Oh, just happy to be alive.
To see you! Happy to see you.
This is off one of MY champagne bottles.
He's a bad dog.
That's it, Beggsy, take your time, got all day.
You'll call me, won't you, if there's any trouble? Promise, now go.
Only one bottle, Tone.
One bottle.
That's him, he's coming, get back, back.
How do we get out of here? You can't.
Hide, just hide.
Where? Where? Yeah, of course, I'm gonna replace it, Tone.
OK.
OK, yeah.
That is it, I'm never watching the football again.
Let's get the girls and let's get out.
He's gone.
You all right, love? I was just having a soak with three blokes.
Lift your feet up lads, while you've still got them.
We can explain everything, Tony.
Actually we can't.
I left my house in your care.
Just let them go, Tony.
Be quiet, I'll deal with you later.
But first I'm gonna demonstrate what damage I can do to you with this weapon.
Yeah, well you'll have to get through me first OK.
And me.
All right.
And I'm getting some new mates.
What, you think I can't handle four? I'm sure you can, but what about eight of us? You'll have to get through us, as well.
Get that off! Make us.
You're going down, you're going right down like Chinatown.
Beryl, calm down.
Are there any more of you people in here? All right, Mad Tony? That's a lovely downstairs toilet you've got, mate.
But I'd leave it for five minutes before you visited it if I was you.
And, listen, take it easy on the lads, will you? They've had a really rough day today.
County got stuffed 5-1.
I was gonna watch the highlights, I've been avoiding the score.
Are you a United fan Yes, I am.
Figures.
So, what's it gonna be, Tony? Are you gonna let poor Glyn go, are you gonna take all of us on? You see, we're not like you, living in your nice house, behind your high walls, with all your ill-gotten money Erm Except Hodge, he's a plumber.
We haven't got as much as you but what we do have is each other.
We're a family, not through blood, but a family nevertheless, which means we stick together.
Yeah.
Leave everyone alone, you prat.
Molly, get back here now.
Honestly, mate, you're acting like my little brother, shouting, threatening, waving weapons.
Have you been tested for personality disorders and stuff? Me, I'm fine, I'm normal.
Don't look normal, living in a house full of weapons.
I reckon it points to underlying fears and problems probably stemming from an unhappy childhood.
Did your dad not show enough love to you when you were little? You leave my dad out of this.
And get out, everybody get out! Get out, get out, leave me alone.
Quick, quick, before he changes his bloody mind.
Sorry about that, you know.
I'm gonna take you for a slap-up meal to apologise.
I don't think so, you've lost your job.
Come on, I'll get us some nice fish and chips, eh? Yeah.
It was really brave of you to support Glyn back there, didn't know you had it in you.
He's a mate, in't he? What else could I do? You're not so bad, are you? Which is why Ooh, baby, that's brilliant, that's brilliant, thank you.
So what swayed it? What's made you realise that I am the one? Er It was this.
A garibaldi biscuit? Yeah, you gave it to me with a brew, you know, a couple of days ago.
And you've kept it? Yeah, this garibaldi told me that you know how I tick.
This garibaldi told me that you're the one for me.
So it's a talking garibaldi biscuit.
Come on.
Come on, Beggsy, lad.
Plenty of fish in the hot tub.
Ah, can we get a hot tub? Keep walking.
Beggsy! What you doing? He's kicked me out.
Result, if that is a result.
Yes, that is most definitely a result.
Here.
What you doing? Well, you're gonna have to stay at mine now.
I'm dead messy.
I'm a good cleaner.
We hardly know each other.
We'll have to stay up late gabbing then, won't we? Your mates will hate me.
Nah, you support County, it's all good.
Come on, son! Do you like cats? I'm more of a dog person.
Nobody's perfect.