Greg the Bunny (2002) s01e06 Episode Script
Rabbit Redux (a.k.a. Rochester Returns)
[Theme music.]
ALL: [Singing.]
We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you Okay, here we go, people.
Places.
Roll cameras.
[Bell rings.]
And action.
[Soft instrumental music.]
Greg, is that my wrench? [Greg stuttering.]
No.
You know, Greg, some things are okay to take but others aren't.
[Greg groans.]
I don't understand, Junction Jack.
Well, Greg.
[Singing.]
Many things are good to take Like a swim out on the lake Take a walk or take a hike Take a ride on your new bike Take a train to New Orleans Take a look at my blue jeans Take my temperature when I'm sickly Relax, this will be over quickly But never take what isn't yours In your grubby little paws Greg, isn't that what you have done? Come on, guys, this isn't fun Taking something, causing grief ALL: Admit it, Greg You are a thief Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Stop it, you guys.
Oh, no.
GREG: Don't bury me.
No, please.
Mama.
[Greg moaning.]
JlM: Greg, I know a bunny has his needs, but could you please keep it down? GREG: They buried me alive.
Stop it.
Don't bury me.
No.
JlM: Wake up, buddy.
Wake up.
GREG: No.
[Greg screams.]
[Jim groans.]
You hit me in the eye.
Sorry, Jimmy.
I was having that nightmare again.
JlM: What, the buried alive nightmare? GREG: Yeah.
This time they were singing some happy song and then all of a sudden it got dark and unpleasant Iike an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
You're fine now.
You might want to put something on that eye, Jimmy.
Come on, Greg.
You're a little bunny.
I'm, like, 757 times your size.
I'll be fine.
[Soft instrumental music.]
Hey, kid, what happened to you? It's nothing.
Just a black eye.
No, I'm talking about the donuts you were supposed to fetch.
I didn't have to wait this long for a kidney.
That'll work.
Are you okay? Yeah, it's nothing.
It's something I got playing rugby.
- You play rugby? - Yeah.
Don't let my height, or weight, or build or delicate features fool you.
- What position do you play? - I play rear floosh.
My God.
That's the best you can do? Floosh? I'm not tall enough for forward.
- Can I ask you something? - What's that? Have you ever gotten any without paying for it? What am I supposed to do? She wants nothing to do with me.
Look, buck up, if we can put a man on the moon we can certainly put you on Alison.
How? What you need to do is ignore Alison completely and pay more attention to whomever she's with.
Then eventually her jealousy will drive her straight into your arms, blah.
I don't know.
I'm not into the whole playing games thing.
Save it for the rugby field, Floosh.
[Blah laughing.]
GlL: Okay, Greg.
At this point in the scene you come out of your hole with a carrot.
No.
Mr.
Bender, listen.
I can't go in that rabbit hole, okay? I don't want to.
Why not, Greg? He's been having nightmares about being buried alive in there.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Listen, no problem.
I'll take care of that right now.
Listen up, everybody.
When Greg goes into his hole do not, I repeat, do not bury him alive.
Okay, down you go, Greg.
No way.
No how.
Not going to do it.
I don't care.
Quit your whining.
That works, too.
You wimp.
Okay, people, here we go, and action.
Where you going, Chief Blah? BLAH: It's Thanksgiving.
Let's invite Greg the Bunny's pilgrim ancestor to our bountiful feast.
I'm not going to die.
Greg.
Happy Thanksgiving, dirt bag.
[Cackling.]
I'm going to die.
GlL: Cut! It's Rochester Rabbit.
He's the shadowy figure in my dream who's been trying to kill me.
Why would he wanna kill a cute little bunny like you? Here's a wild guess.
Maybe because management fired him to hire you.
That's it.
That's why you're having the nightmares.
What a breakthrough.
Just like the end of Ordinary People.
Now, can we get back down the hole, please? No, Mr.
Bender.
I've got to find Rochester, and see if he can forgive me.
After work, I'll take you to go see Rochie.
GREG: Would you? JACK: Sure.
- lt'll be great to see the old boy again.
- Thank you, Junction Jack.
He owes me $200 and my meatloaf pan.
JlM: Hey, Susan, looking good.
Hi, Jimmy.
You smell nice.
What's that scent you're wearing? - Scotchguard.
- Cool.
Hello.
Smell you later.
- Bye, Jimmy.
- Bye, Susan.
That's weird.
I gotta go back on the pill.
Jack, I thought you said you knew where Rochester lived.
Well, it's been a while.
Look.
There's a guy selling star maps.
GREG: Rochester was famous.
Maybe his house is on there.
Come on.
I'm getting a feeling I'm never gonna see that meatloaf pan again.
I wonder if they have a listing for-- Hey, pal.
We need a little Rochester? Never heard of him.
It is you.
Well, look who showed up for high tea.
If it isn't the lousy rat who stole my job.
Lay off, Rochie.
The kid's all right.
He just wanted to know how you were doing.
I'm doing great.
Because of him, I lost my house.
I'm broke.
The only job I could get is sitting here selling stupid maps in the hot sun.
Look, I feel awful, Mr.
Rabbit.
I never meant to take your job.
The whole thing's had me wracked with guilt and it's been giving me the most terrible nightmares.
Are you saying that to cheer me up? No, I was hoping that you might forgive me, you know and that way, maybe my nightmares would stop.
Forgive you? Forget it.
As far as I'm concerned, you can go on having nightmares the rest of your life.
[Rochester laughing manically.]
[Rochester coughing.]
You know, maybe you ought to move back about five feet.
[Door opens.]
[Door opens.]
GREG: Mr.
Bender.
GlL: Yeah.
ROCHESTER: Hey, Gil.
GlL: Rochester! GlL: Greg, you brought Rochester in here.
GREG: You bet I did.
What a surprise.
Can I get you something? You want a coffee, soft drink, a shower? Mr.
Bender, do you remember when we did that skit on the show last week about helping people when they're down? I thought that we could help Rochester by giving him a job at the show.
What a great idea.
Yes, great.
Greg, can I see you outside for a second? Look, Gil, this wasn't my idea.
The kid made me.
So I'll just take that can of soda, and any other empties you might have and I'll be on my way.
- That's mighty fabric of you.
- Thank you.
- And listen, don't be a stranger.
- All right.
No.
Wait, Rochester.
Mr.
Bender, if you don't hire Rochester, then I quit.
- You would do that for me? - Yes, I would.
So, Gil, are you recasting? Because I'm available.
GlL: You were with the show for 15 years.
ROCHESTER: Yes.
- I think we can find you something.
- Thanks.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Rochester grunting.]
I wish these fleshies would put their gum in the trash.
Don't say a word, Demontague.
Oh, Rochie.
How far the mighty have fallen.
It's just a little dry spell.
I'll be back.
I'm like John Travolta in between Grease and Pulp Fiction.
Yes.
Well, until Quentin Tarantino swoops in there's an overflowing toilet in the men's can.
[Warren laughs.]
I got your Tarantino.
Hey, Warren.
You shouldn't kick Rochie when he's down.
Yeah, right.
Like when you fired him from his job of 15 years and tossed him out onto the street.
You replaced him with Greg, and you hired him back to be our manservant.
No.
I did that when he was on top.
I'm saying don't kick him when he's down.
There's a difference.
SUSAN: Hey, Jimmy.
JlM: Hi, Susan.
What's the rush there? Everybody's waiting for their lunches, so And I would rather spend time with you.
Is that crazy? I mean, call me crazy.
Okay, crazy.
You make me laugh, Jimmy.
JlM: I do? SUSAN: Yeah.
JlM: I do? SUSAN: Yeah.
I've always wondered, are monsters ticklish? - You like a little tickle? - Come on, Jimmy.
Stop that.
I'm just saying that it's bizarre for you to call me on my cell phone to tell me that cell phones give you cancer.
Who's the tickle monster? You're the tickle monster.
SUSAN: Almost there.
JlM: Okay.
What are you guys doing? [Susan panting.]
Nothing.
Me and Jimmy were just, you know, messing around.
Yeah, I've got to deliver these sandwiches, but I'll catch you later, Suzie Q.
[Susan moans.]
He wants me.
Susan.
[Alison exclaims.]
This is really difficult for me to say and I'm only saying it because I don't want you to get hurt.
I think Jimmy is flirting with you because he wants to get me jealous.
Please! What would he want with a hairless, two-breasted woman when he could have all this? [Rochester sighs.]
Mr.
Rochester.
Look at you.
You're back and you're better than ever.
And that trained bear wasn't as trained as I thought.
GlL: Greg, ready for your turkey dance.
GREG: Okay.
Go enjoy the spotlight, kid.
It burns out pretty fast.
Yeah.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
- Greg! - Coming.
[Greg yells.]
Greg? My ankle.
- Are you okay? - No.
I tripped, and I think it's sprained.
[Greg groaning.]
- I don't think I can dance.
- Great.
Just great.
But there's somebody here who can.
Rochester.
Yeah, right.
You mean the new janitor? Puppet, please.
Come on.
He's a great dancer.
Please, I know he can do this.
Just give him a chance.
Greg, this isn't some cheap cameo we're talking about here.
The Perky Turkey dance happens to be the linchpin to the whole Thanksgiving episode.
Listen to me, as if I care.
Rochie, do you think you can do this? What, are you kidding? Just give me a second to stretch.
[Cracking.]
Okay, I'm good to go, baby.
[Singing.]
As I was going on down the road, with tired team and a heavy load I cracked my whip and the leader sprung, I said "day-day" to the wagon tongue Turkey in the straw Haw-haw-haw Turkey in the hay Hay-hay-hay [Greg humming.]
Look who's not limping anymore.
Busted.
It's okay.
It's a nice thing you did for Rochester.
Word.
He is really busting a move out there.
Really? I think he's doing pretty good.
[Music playing.]
Turkey in the hay Hay-hay-hay Turkey in the straw Haw-haw-haw [Screaming.]
GlL: Cut.
Oh, my God! GREG: Is he okay? JACK: Watch it.
GlL: Is he all right? Is he breathing? I think he's had a heart attack.
Oh, my God! Rochester! Somebody call an ambulance.
What's everybody standing around for? What, did Rochie dance himself to death? [Warren chuckling.]
He's dead.
Great.
Now I'm the jerk.
Hi, Greggy.
I came by to cheer you up.
Thanks, Dottie.
I sure could use it.
I just can't believe that Rochester's dead.
I met Rochie the day I moved out here.
I was just a naive teenager from lowa all alone in a strange city.
He was so nice to me.
And now he's gone.
[Sobbing.]
I'm going to miss him so much.
Thanks for coming by to cheer me up, Dottie.
That's okay.
I just got this fax from Rochie's lawyer.
His estate attorney, not his public defender.
Apparently, in addition to my usual duties, I am now a funeral director.
Here's a list of specifics Rochester requested for his memorial.
We're not actually going to do this, are we? He was one sick cottontail.
[Rock and roll music playing.]
[People chattering.]
This doesn't seem like a very respectful funeral.
Look what they've done to Rochester.
Well, Greg, when some people die, it's a time to be sad.
You know, but when others die, like the lrish, or really evil people it's time to celebrate.
Anyone sitting here? No, go ahead, Susan.
It's a funny thing but I've heard that very often people hook up at funerals.
Susan, we need to talk in private.
[Susan exclaims.]
None of you ever knew this, but Rochester was my first.
Who are you kidding? He told everybody.
In graphic detail.
But I guess you get the last laugh because now he's the one laying there like a lox.
[Warren laughing.]
Let's get this roast rolling.
Rochie's starting to go bad.
Of course anyone who saw him perform knows this isn't the first time he ever stunk up a room.
[People laughing.]
This is so wrong.
Our first speaker needs no introduction, because he didn't show up.
[All laughing.]
So, instead, here is Junction Jack Mars.
Take it away, Junk.
Give them hell, Jack.
Thank you, Count Blah.
And after seeing you I can't help but think, "We're burying the wrong guy.
" You know, we were all shocked when Rochie had a heart attack.
Smart money was on liver failure.
And as a beloved television star Rochester touched millions of adoring fans.
Fortunately, only six of them pressed charges.
[All laughing.]
[Groaning.]
And as a network executive Rochie was always accusing me of being stiff and cold.
Right back at you, Rochie.
So you were using me to get to Alison? No.
Yeah.
But, you know, Rochie was a bit of a health nut.
He always stuck to a balanced diet.
A drink in each hand.
[Crickets chirping.]
'Cause the diet was balanced.
I put together a little video tribute, because it's not the first time Rochester's died on stage.
[Cricket chirping.]
Yo, back off.
The guy's funny.
Oh, hell, why don't you just watch the damn video? [People clapping.]
Welcome to Rochester's Classic Story Time.
That was close.
[People laughing.]
[People laughing.]
[Gasping.]
So, when you're blind, like Becky here a special dog can tell you when it's safe to cross the street.
That's right.
That sounds pretty safe to me.
Get him off! What's wrong? Rochie really got mauled that day.
[Moaning.]
I'm sorry.
- Can we be friends? - Okay.
How about friends with benefits? [Jim groaning.]
Jimmy and Susan.
He doesn't even like her.
He's trying to make me jealous.
That's too bad.
I just hope Susan doesn't get her feelings hurt.
I just hope she doesn't eat his head.
[Jim choking.]
I'm open! [Rochester muttering on TV.]
What happened to you? Man, did I get some tongue! Jimmy, you wouldn't believe what's happening in here.
I thought we came to honor Rochester, not to mock him.
It had to be, like, yea long.
[Music playing on TV.]
[Laughing.]
[Soft instrumental music.]
[Warren sighs.]
[People clapping.]
[Grunting.]
[Blah clearing throat.]
Now, I'd like to bring up a funny, talented man.
But, see, all we have is a damn dirty ape.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands or paws or whatever together for Warren Demontague.
Look out.
[Warren clearing throat.]
As you all know, it's no secret that Rochie and l, we had our differences.
Yeah, he was talented.
[All laughing.]
I wrote a bunch of jokes, but I'm not The thing is, I wasn't there when Rochie died and I hadn't seen that tape before.
Frankly, it moved me.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
I can think of nothing more beautiful than to depart this earth doing what it is that you love.
And in Rochester's case performing, dancing under those bright lights a hoofing cowboy, dying with his boots on.
WARREN: So I salute you, Rochester, my rival, my friend for going out in a grand theatrical style.
And I tip my hat to Greg.
Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive.
A smile to shape his very last breath.
WARREN: So, to Rochester.
ALL: To Rochester.
Thanks, Warren.
That really makes me feel a lot better.
No more nightmares for me.
I don't know what came over me.
I guess this whole thing's getting kind of sappy, isn't it? Oh, my God.
The cigar.
Rochester's on fire.
That's more like it! Rochester! [Tense instrumental music.]
[People gasping.]
Now this is what I call a roast.
[Gil chuckling.]
Nothing? [Grunts.]
[People laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Can I do that last line again? [Laughing.]
But Rochester was the most generous guy I ever met.
He's the kind of man who'd give you the sleeves off his vest.
Sleeves.
ALL: [Singing.]
We can sing and dance and we don't need pants See, we're just like you We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs See, we're just like you Yes, we graduate from Harvard At the head of my class! But if you take sobriety I may not pass! There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my We're just like you Okay, here we go, people.
Places.
Roll cameras.
[Bell rings.]
And action.
[Soft instrumental music.]
Greg, is that my wrench? [Greg stuttering.]
No.
You know, Greg, some things are okay to take but others aren't.
[Greg groans.]
I don't understand, Junction Jack.
Well, Greg.
[Singing.]
Many things are good to take Like a swim out on the lake Take a walk or take a hike Take a ride on your new bike Take a train to New Orleans Take a look at my blue jeans Take my temperature when I'm sickly Relax, this will be over quickly But never take what isn't yours In your grubby little paws Greg, isn't that what you have done? Come on, guys, this isn't fun Taking something, causing grief ALL: Admit it, Greg You are a thief Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Stop it, you guys.
Oh, no.
GREG: Don't bury me.
No, please.
Mama.
[Greg moaning.]
JlM: Greg, I know a bunny has his needs, but could you please keep it down? GREG: They buried me alive.
Stop it.
Don't bury me.
No.
JlM: Wake up, buddy.
Wake up.
GREG: No.
[Greg screams.]
[Jim groans.]
You hit me in the eye.
Sorry, Jimmy.
I was having that nightmare again.
JlM: What, the buried alive nightmare? GREG: Yeah.
This time they were singing some happy song and then all of a sudden it got dark and unpleasant Iike an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
You're fine now.
You might want to put something on that eye, Jimmy.
Come on, Greg.
You're a little bunny.
I'm, like, 757 times your size.
I'll be fine.
[Soft instrumental music.]
Hey, kid, what happened to you? It's nothing.
Just a black eye.
No, I'm talking about the donuts you were supposed to fetch.
I didn't have to wait this long for a kidney.
That'll work.
Are you okay? Yeah, it's nothing.
It's something I got playing rugby.
- You play rugby? - Yeah.
Don't let my height, or weight, or build or delicate features fool you.
- What position do you play? - I play rear floosh.
My God.
That's the best you can do? Floosh? I'm not tall enough for forward.
- Can I ask you something? - What's that? Have you ever gotten any without paying for it? What am I supposed to do? She wants nothing to do with me.
Look, buck up, if we can put a man on the moon we can certainly put you on Alison.
How? What you need to do is ignore Alison completely and pay more attention to whomever she's with.
Then eventually her jealousy will drive her straight into your arms, blah.
I don't know.
I'm not into the whole playing games thing.
Save it for the rugby field, Floosh.
[Blah laughing.]
GlL: Okay, Greg.
At this point in the scene you come out of your hole with a carrot.
No.
Mr.
Bender, listen.
I can't go in that rabbit hole, okay? I don't want to.
Why not, Greg? He's been having nightmares about being buried alive in there.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Listen, no problem.
I'll take care of that right now.
Listen up, everybody.
When Greg goes into his hole do not, I repeat, do not bury him alive.
Okay, down you go, Greg.
No way.
No how.
Not going to do it.
I don't care.
Quit your whining.
That works, too.
You wimp.
Okay, people, here we go, and action.
Where you going, Chief Blah? BLAH: It's Thanksgiving.
Let's invite Greg the Bunny's pilgrim ancestor to our bountiful feast.
I'm not going to die.
Greg.
Happy Thanksgiving, dirt bag.
[Cackling.]
I'm going to die.
GlL: Cut! It's Rochester Rabbit.
He's the shadowy figure in my dream who's been trying to kill me.
Why would he wanna kill a cute little bunny like you? Here's a wild guess.
Maybe because management fired him to hire you.
That's it.
That's why you're having the nightmares.
What a breakthrough.
Just like the end of Ordinary People.
Now, can we get back down the hole, please? No, Mr.
Bender.
I've got to find Rochester, and see if he can forgive me.
After work, I'll take you to go see Rochie.
GREG: Would you? JACK: Sure.
- lt'll be great to see the old boy again.
- Thank you, Junction Jack.
He owes me $200 and my meatloaf pan.
JlM: Hey, Susan, looking good.
Hi, Jimmy.
You smell nice.
What's that scent you're wearing? - Scotchguard.
- Cool.
Hello.
Smell you later.
- Bye, Jimmy.
- Bye, Susan.
That's weird.
I gotta go back on the pill.
Jack, I thought you said you knew where Rochester lived.
Well, it's been a while.
Look.
There's a guy selling star maps.
GREG: Rochester was famous.
Maybe his house is on there.
Come on.
I'm getting a feeling I'm never gonna see that meatloaf pan again.
I wonder if they have a listing for-- Hey, pal.
We need a little Rochester? Never heard of him.
It is you.
Well, look who showed up for high tea.
If it isn't the lousy rat who stole my job.
Lay off, Rochie.
The kid's all right.
He just wanted to know how you were doing.
I'm doing great.
Because of him, I lost my house.
I'm broke.
The only job I could get is sitting here selling stupid maps in the hot sun.
Look, I feel awful, Mr.
Rabbit.
I never meant to take your job.
The whole thing's had me wracked with guilt and it's been giving me the most terrible nightmares.
Are you saying that to cheer me up? No, I was hoping that you might forgive me, you know and that way, maybe my nightmares would stop.
Forgive you? Forget it.
As far as I'm concerned, you can go on having nightmares the rest of your life.
[Rochester laughing manically.]
[Rochester coughing.]
You know, maybe you ought to move back about five feet.
[Door opens.]
[Door opens.]
GREG: Mr.
Bender.
GlL: Yeah.
ROCHESTER: Hey, Gil.
GlL: Rochester! GlL: Greg, you brought Rochester in here.
GREG: You bet I did.
What a surprise.
Can I get you something? You want a coffee, soft drink, a shower? Mr.
Bender, do you remember when we did that skit on the show last week about helping people when they're down? I thought that we could help Rochester by giving him a job at the show.
What a great idea.
Yes, great.
Greg, can I see you outside for a second? Look, Gil, this wasn't my idea.
The kid made me.
So I'll just take that can of soda, and any other empties you might have and I'll be on my way.
- That's mighty fabric of you.
- Thank you.
- And listen, don't be a stranger.
- All right.
No.
Wait, Rochester.
Mr.
Bender, if you don't hire Rochester, then I quit.
- You would do that for me? - Yes, I would.
So, Gil, are you recasting? Because I'm available.
GlL: You were with the show for 15 years.
ROCHESTER: Yes.
- I think we can find you something.
- Thanks.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Rochester grunting.]
I wish these fleshies would put their gum in the trash.
Don't say a word, Demontague.
Oh, Rochie.
How far the mighty have fallen.
It's just a little dry spell.
I'll be back.
I'm like John Travolta in between Grease and Pulp Fiction.
Yes.
Well, until Quentin Tarantino swoops in there's an overflowing toilet in the men's can.
[Warren laughs.]
I got your Tarantino.
Hey, Warren.
You shouldn't kick Rochie when he's down.
Yeah, right.
Like when you fired him from his job of 15 years and tossed him out onto the street.
You replaced him with Greg, and you hired him back to be our manservant.
No.
I did that when he was on top.
I'm saying don't kick him when he's down.
There's a difference.
SUSAN: Hey, Jimmy.
JlM: Hi, Susan.
What's the rush there? Everybody's waiting for their lunches, so And I would rather spend time with you.
Is that crazy? I mean, call me crazy.
Okay, crazy.
You make me laugh, Jimmy.
JlM: I do? SUSAN: Yeah.
JlM: I do? SUSAN: Yeah.
I've always wondered, are monsters ticklish? - You like a little tickle? - Come on, Jimmy.
Stop that.
I'm just saying that it's bizarre for you to call me on my cell phone to tell me that cell phones give you cancer.
Who's the tickle monster? You're the tickle monster.
SUSAN: Almost there.
JlM: Okay.
What are you guys doing? [Susan panting.]
Nothing.
Me and Jimmy were just, you know, messing around.
Yeah, I've got to deliver these sandwiches, but I'll catch you later, Suzie Q.
[Susan moans.]
He wants me.
Susan.
[Alison exclaims.]
This is really difficult for me to say and I'm only saying it because I don't want you to get hurt.
I think Jimmy is flirting with you because he wants to get me jealous.
Please! What would he want with a hairless, two-breasted woman when he could have all this? [Rochester sighs.]
Mr.
Rochester.
Look at you.
You're back and you're better than ever.
And that trained bear wasn't as trained as I thought.
GlL: Greg, ready for your turkey dance.
GREG: Okay.
Go enjoy the spotlight, kid.
It burns out pretty fast.
Yeah.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
- Greg! - Coming.
[Greg yells.]
Greg? My ankle.
- Are you okay? - No.
I tripped, and I think it's sprained.
[Greg groaning.]
- I don't think I can dance.
- Great.
Just great.
But there's somebody here who can.
Rochester.
Yeah, right.
You mean the new janitor? Puppet, please.
Come on.
He's a great dancer.
Please, I know he can do this.
Just give him a chance.
Greg, this isn't some cheap cameo we're talking about here.
The Perky Turkey dance happens to be the linchpin to the whole Thanksgiving episode.
Listen to me, as if I care.
Rochie, do you think you can do this? What, are you kidding? Just give me a second to stretch.
[Cracking.]
Okay, I'm good to go, baby.
[Singing.]
As I was going on down the road, with tired team and a heavy load I cracked my whip and the leader sprung, I said "day-day" to the wagon tongue Turkey in the straw Haw-haw-haw Turkey in the hay Hay-hay-hay [Greg humming.]
Look who's not limping anymore.
Busted.
It's okay.
It's a nice thing you did for Rochester.
Word.
He is really busting a move out there.
Really? I think he's doing pretty good.
[Music playing.]
Turkey in the hay Hay-hay-hay Turkey in the straw Haw-haw-haw [Screaming.]
GlL: Cut.
Oh, my God! GREG: Is he okay? JACK: Watch it.
GlL: Is he all right? Is he breathing? I think he's had a heart attack.
Oh, my God! Rochester! Somebody call an ambulance.
What's everybody standing around for? What, did Rochie dance himself to death? [Warren chuckling.]
He's dead.
Great.
Now I'm the jerk.
Hi, Greggy.
I came by to cheer you up.
Thanks, Dottie.
I sure could use it.
I just can't believe that Rochester's dead.
I met Rochie the day I moved out here.
I was just a naive teenager from lowa all alone in a strange city.
He was so nice to me.
And now he's gone.
[Sobbing.]
I'm going to miss him so much.
Thanks for coming by to cheer me up, Dottie.
That's okay.
I just got this fax from Rochie's lawyer.
His estate attorney, not his public defender.
Apparently, in addition to my usual duties, I am now a funeral director.
Here's a list of specifics Rochester requested for his memorial.
We're not actually going to do this, are we? He was one sick cottontail.
[Rock and roll music playing.]
[People chattering.]
This doesn't seem like a very respectful funeral.
Look what they've done to Rochester.
Well, Greg, when some people die, it's a time to be sad.
You know, but when others die, like the lrish, or really evil people it's time to celebrate.
Anyone sitting here? No, go ahead, Susan.
It's a funny thing but I've heard that very often people hook up at funerals.
Susan, we need to talk in private.
[Susan exclaims.]
None of you ever knew this, but Rochester was my first.
Who are you kidding? He told everybody.
In graphic detail.
But I guess you get the last laugh because now he's the one laying there like a lox.
[Warren laughing.]
Let's get this roast rolling.
Rochie's starting to go bad.
Of course anyone who saw him perform knows this isn't the first time he ever stunk up a room.
[People laughing.]
This is so wrong.
Our first speaker needs no introduction, because he didn't show up.
[All laughing.]
So, instead, here is Junction Jack Mars.
Take it away, Junk.
Give them hell, Jack.
Thank you, Count Blah.
And after seeing you I can't help but think, "We're burying the wrong guy.
" You know, we were all shocked when Rochie had a heart attack.
Smart money was on liver failure.
And as a beloved television star Rochester touched millions of adoring fans.
Fortunately, only six of them pressed charges.
[All laughing.]
[Groaning.]
And as a network executive Rochie was always accusing me of being stiff and cold.
Right back at you, Rochie.
So you were using me to get to Alison? No.
Yeah.
But, you know, Rochie was a bit of a health nut.
He always stuck to a balanced diet.
A drink in each hand.
[Crickets chirping.]
'Cause the diet was balanced.
I put together a little video tribute, because it's not the first time Rochester's died on stage.
[Cricket chirping.]
Yo, back off.
The guy's funny.
Oh, hell, why don't you just watch the damn video? [People clapping.]
Welcome to Rochester's Classic Story Time.
That was close.
[People laughing.]
[People laughing.]
[Gasping.]
So, when you're blind, like Becky here a special dog can tell you when it's safe to cross the street.
That's right.
That sounds pretty safe to me.
Get him off! What's wrong? Rochie really got mauled that day.
[Moaning.]
I'm sorry.
- Can we be friends? - Okay.
How about friends with benefits? [Jim groaning.]
Jimmy and Susan.
He doesn't even like her.
He's trying to make me jealous.
That's too bad.
I just hope Susan doesn't get her feelings hurt.
I just hope she doesn't eat his head.
[Jim choking.]
I'm open! [Rochester muttering on TV.]
What happened to you? Man, did I get some tongue! Jimmy, you wouldn't believe what's happening in here.
I thought we came to honor Rochester, not to mock him.
It had to be, like, yea long.
[Music playing on TV.]
[Laughing.]
[Soft instrumental music.]
[Warren sighs.]
[People clapping.]
[Grunting.]
[Blah clearing throat.]
Now, I'd like to bring up a funny, talented man.
But, see, all we have is a damn dirty ape.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands or paws or whatever together for Warren Demontague.
Look out.
[Warren clearing throat.]
As you all know, it's no secret that Rochie and l, we had our differences.
Yeah, he was talented.
[All laughing.]
I wrote a bunch of jokes, but I'm not The thing is, I wasn't there when Rochie died and I hadn't seen that tape before.
Frankly, it moved me.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
I can think of nothing more beautiful than to depart this earth doing what it is that you love.
And in Rochester's case performing, dancing under those bright lights a hoofing cowboy, dying with his boots on.
WARREN: So I salute you, Rochester, my rival, my friend for going out in a grand theatrical style.
And I tip my hat to Greg.
Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive.
A smile to shape his very last breath.
WARREN: So, to Rochester.
ALL: To Rochester.
Thanks, Warren.
That really makes me feel a lot better.
No more nightmares for me.
I don't know what came over me.
I guess this whole thing's getting kind of sappy, isn't it? Oh, my God.
The cigar.
Rochester's on fire.
That's more like it! Rochester! [Tense instrumental music.]
[People gasping.]
Now this is what I call a roast.
[Gil chuckling.]
Nothing? [Grunts.]
[People laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Can I do that last line again? [Laughing.]
But Rochester was the most generous guy I ever met.
He's the kind of man who'd give you the sleeves off his vest.
Sleeves.