Guys With Kids (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Guys with kid is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Wow.
This is looking good.
More stuff than last year.
Oh yeah? Man, I *** into this stuff.
*** *** Isn't it beautiful? Oh, it's very beautiful.
Your daughter is super weird.
Ok, look Sheila.
Ernie's not afraid of the decorations.
Halloween's gonna be fine.
Okay.
You're right.
But my main concern is still that Nick is here, and Ernie's not up to date on his shots.
Wait a minute, Sheila.
- Hmm? - If you're here, then Who's this? Ah! Guys, guys, I can't do it anymore.
The bickering has to stop.
Our sons are best friends.
We all live in the same building now.
Please just grow up, and start getting along.
Okay.
Chris, I will I will try.
Sheila, will you be my friend? See, that was funny.
Hey, everybody.
We got some bad news.
Bad news? Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold this.
Okay, please continue.
The head of the apartment co-op board, miss Cane, is dead.
Oh, that's terrible.
How? How am I supposed to know? What do I look like, the grim reaper? Life is how you live it ª oo™ª wake where you want to be hey,y - you and me.
- Ooh - we're hy.
- O we need our fris like tsun everybody singin' whyuld walk when you can run™ª everybody singin' why would yoalk n you can run? Clark! I called bathroom after Yoda! You snooze, you lose.
Baby.
Baby! Miss Cane from next door she's dead.
Oh, no.
Oh.
- Was that long enough? - Yep! Oh! We finally get to buy her place and expand our apartment.
Yes, and Clark and Yoda can have their own bedrooms! Oh! And we get another bathroom.
Yes.
Clark! What are you doing in there? Can't a boy have some privacy? What happened to our stuff? Who did this? Daddy.
"Your Halloween decorations are in violation of co-op board bylaws," signed, "Linda Allmendinger, your new co-op board president.
" We don't get to do the haunted hallway? No, no, no, no.
Of course we do.
Daddy's gonna find this woman.
He's gonna straighten everything out.
Nick, you do not want to get on the bad side of the co-op board.
They have approval over everything.
Dorothy Harris put unauthorized azaleas on her balcony.
They turned off her water.
I saw her in the hallway filthy.
I will be nice, I promise.
All right.
Chris, let's go.
Why do I have to go? 'Cause I never go anywhere without my lawyer.
In college, you went to see sugar ray without me.
You went with Jay Zambelli.
I've told you a thousand times.
They were his tickets.
He invited me.
I know, so just don't tell people you take me everywhere 'cause you don't! Hey, Victor.
Is it all right if we check miss Cane's place out? Sure.
I'm just cleaning it up.
I got dibs on her vinegar, though.
I can't believe her kids didn't want her vinegar.
You know, we're thinking about buying the place, man, knocking this wall down.
Turning it into bedrooms for our boys.
Well, you should know that co-op rules state that any available apartment has to be put on the market for a week before any current tenant can buy it.
Wait.
So some other people can buy it out from under us.
I've been decorating this place in my head ever since miss Cane started wearing a night gown everywhere she went.
- Sheila - Yah.
What are you doing here? Oh, the new co-op president confiscated my welcome mat and autumnal wreath because they were in violation of some uniformity code, and she fined me for installing a customized doorbell Mozart's serenade number 13 in "G" major.
Mine goes, "bing-bong.
" I can't live like that.
So I'm here to make nice and get on her good side.
We're here to do the same.
She took down Nick's haunted hallway.
Hey! This is for you.
Congratulations on your new appointment, Linda.
I'm Nick Thayer, your seventh-floor neighbor downstairs.
I know who you are.
You're the one with the illegal Halloween decorations.
Terrible.
Oh, and you're the one who thinks she can do anything she wants to her apartment she pleases.
Oh.
Chris Campbell, apartment 810? Is that you out there? Come in.
Come in.
I don't know if you remember, but we actually shared an elevator ride last week.
You wore that great, blue v-neck sweater.
Oh, my God.
I also love him in that sweater.
Hey, so since we're learning that we're so like-minded, maybe you can make an exception for my doormat and my doorbell.
No.
No exceptions.
I'm sorry.
Is it because she didn't bring a gift? That's tacky.
Come on, guys.
What do you say you, uh, pop that bad boy open, we talk about my decorations, huh? Those decorations are a hazard.
If you put them back up, I will fine you $500.
But I got permission from miss Cane.
But I got permission from miss Cane.
Miss Cane is dead, and so is your Halloween hallway.
You should do a push-up contest.
I think you'd win.
Violet is gonna be so bummed when she finds out we can't do the haunted hallway.
How are you gonna break it to her? Me? How come you always get to be the fun one, and I always have to be the wet blanket? Why can't I ever be the Dry blanket? You know, it's just one of those things that's in place.
You know, there's always the bad-news parent and the good-news parent.
I mean, I agree.
It's crazy unfair.
Hey, Violet! Mom wants to talk to you.
Violet, honey.
Because of a building rule, we can't have our haunted hallway.
- No! - I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Not fair.
This is the worst day of my life.
- A little help, please.
- Okay, okay.
There's there's times in life when When daddy swoops in and saves the day.
We're still having a haunted hallway! - Nick! - Daddy's the best.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't stand to disappoint her, okay? I'm gonna I'll think of something.
Well, enjoy being the good-news parent while it lasts.
Next chance we have to be irresponsible, I'm taking it.
Hey.
Check it out, creepy Linda left this on my door.
She's giving me an extra storage unit in the basement for doing nothing.
She doesn't even know me.
She just likes the way I look.
And I mean, yes, I used to be a model, so it all makes sense, but A model? You were in our college admissions brochure.
I was on the cover, and admissions went up.
What could you possibly want? I have a way to keep my haunted hallway for my daughter and for you to get your doorbell back.
I'm listening.
We have a common enemy Linda.
And we also have something that she wants Chris.
Well, why do you need me? For my plan to work, we need to give Chris what he wants.
You and me should Be friends.
It's "you and I" should be friends.
This is gonna be awful.
Okay, they're showing the apartment.
We just have to convince whoever's trying to buy it that living there is a bad idea, all right? Clarkie, Yoda, let's show them how annoying you can be.
All right? This place is perfect.
Hi.
I'm Marny, and this is my husband Gary.
- How are you? - We live next-door.
And these are our sons.
This is Yoda.
He plays the recorder.
And that's Clarkie.
He plays the drums.
They keep practicing, but They just keep getting worse.
Oh, no, they're sweet.
We love children.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I build recording studios.
I can just soundproof that wall, no problem.
Of all the damn people in New York City.
Did you know the previous tenants? Did they like living here? Oh.
Yeah.
Miss Cane loved the place.
The only reason she left is because she died here.
Wait.
Died in this apartment? Yes.
Yes, she did.
As a matter of fact, she died in that exact same spot that you're standing.
Oh, well, there too.
She kind of Exploded.
Hey! Nice meeting you.
Two weeks.
No one found her for two weeks.
By then, the ants had finished most of her.
Oh, by the way, the place has ants.
There is one good thing about the haunting, though.
It's always ten degrees cooler in here than any other part of the building.
But on the downside, miss Cane's ghost does come out.
Okay, okay.
You're spooking me out.
Stop.
Hey, I got your text.
Sheila, what are you doing here? You asked Nick and me to get along, so we're here to tell you we are now friends.
Just like that? Just like that.
Um, excuse me.
Could we get my friend here another plate of curly fries? I keep eating off his plate because we're friends.
Okay, why? Why are you friends? Because you asked us to be.
And now to keep things fair, we're going to ask something of you.
Yes.
And you're not gonna want to be holding a baby for this.
Come here.
Oh, hi.
Linda, over here.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Chris.
Look, I'm so glad that Nick and Sheila told me you wanted to get to know me better.
They did what? You look like you could use a drink.
A Manhattan I am getting you a Manhattan Heavy on the "man.
" Okay.
What's the story? You two will only get along if I date her? Just long enough to keep her distracted for the rest of the night, so I can pull off Halloween behind her back.
And you also need to sweet-talk her into letting me do whatever I want to my apartment.
My looks continue to be an obstacle in my life.
Okay, if I do it, you guys'll be friends.
- Yes.
- Forever? Oh, I don't know.
That's a long time.
How dare you? Forever or nothing.
Fine.
Forever.
Ugh.
The unholy alliances you make for your children.
And your doorbell.
First time I saw you, it was crazy.
You looked so familiar to me.
Was it from the cover of the Northwestern admissions brochure ten years ago? - This is fun.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's always good when close friends are out together.
You know, close friends will often show affection and hug.
Right, guys? Why don't you two just give each other a hug? Yeah, come on.
Now, since you guys are best friends, you might want to share something, like your food.
Sheila, have a bite of Nick's burger.
I don't want to do that.
He's already eaten it.
That's what friends do.
They share with each other.
Take a bite.
Yeah.
Right? Come on, Sheila.
Nick already started it for you.
Get in there! Get the good stuff! Who cares that his breath's been all over it? Good.
Good.
Almost done.
Almost through.
Just concentrate on your breathing.
- There you go.
- Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, your friendship is so heartwarming to me.
Mmm.
And to think, it'll be like this forever.
Uhhuh.
Do you want to go back to my place? Uh All of us? Just you and me.
There's something I'd like to give you.
It's private.
All right.
Let's go.
Ah! Hooray! Aah! Ugh! Oh, God! The required week is over.
That apartment is as good as ours.
Boys, you're gonna have your own rooms! There's no way we're living there.
Why not? Because it's haunted.
I heard miss Cane's chest exploded, and centipedes came out.
You heard that from me.
I made it up! Those are just stories.
Come on, guys.
I tell you what, I'll let you choose your own wallpaper.
Oh, yeah? Will you let us choose our own coffins? Death comes to all those who enter.
What about those creepy twins who stand in the corner and sing? That's you, you ding-a-lings! - Brains! - Brains! Brains? No brains for you guys? Okay.
- Any sign of Allmendinger? - No.
No.
Nick, I have said this only eight times in my life, and all of them were to my assistant, so savor it.
You did an okay job.
Thank you, Sheila.
So Ernie is frankenstein, and you Fell asleep, and someone upholstered you.
No, I'm Mary shelley, who wrote frankenstein.
Why am I always the only women's romantic lit major at parties? Because they're parties.
And I say that to you as a friend.
So how do you think Chris is doing with Linda? Well, one night with her can't be nearly as bad as six years with you.
- Hey! God, I'm sorry.
You know, this whole you and I being friends thing is so unnatural.
It's "you and me.
" So all you wanted to give me were these clothes? Yes.
How do they fit? Good, I guess.
Oh, I just knew they would.
All right, let's take a peek.
You look perfect.
Come.
Sit.
Oh! The resemblance is even more striking than I ever thought it could be.
Resemblance to whom, Robert Wagner? My father.
He left for a pack of cigarettes in 1975 and never came back.
You look exactly like him.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be on a date with Linda.
She's not interested in me.
She wants me to be her dad.
She dressed me as her dad.
A deal's a deal, man.
I hugged Sheila.
Be her dad.
Wear socks with sandals, and embarrass her in front of her friends.
Victor, take it down! Take it all down! Come on, Linda.
If you don't clear this hall right now, I'm gonna make your lives such a living hell that you'll want to move out.
But you won't be able to move out because I'll block all potential buyers.
Okay.
Okay, Linda.
Daddy, what's happening? I'll do it.
Sweetie, I'm sorry to say it, but I think we lost, and we have to take down the haunted hallway.
Is what the bad-news parent would say.
Violet, we are keeping our haunted hallway.
Oh, no, you're not.
We are too keeping it.
This might not be the moment.
I am not scared of you.
You know why? You want to know why? You want to know why? I will tell you why.
You want to know why? Because next election, I'm running against you.
I'm running against you too.
And I am going to win.
We'll see.
Now get off my floor! Victor, take me home! Again? How come we never go to my place? Mommy's the best.
Yeah, she certainly is.
Yes.
So you're running for co-op board president.
Did I say that? Oh.
Being the good-news parent's fun.
You just say anything you want.
Violet, let's blow off school tomorrow and eat candy.
Okay, until we get Linda off the board, she is going to make our lives impossible.
We got to figure out a way to make her happy.
We'll get Chris to take her in an R.
V.
To the Grand Canyon.
Ah, yes.
- Little father-daughter trip.
- Uh-huh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't like this.
You two being together is not good for me.
- You wanted us to be friends.
- Yeah.
No, deal's off.
Deal's off.
I'm never going anywhere near Linda again, so you two can stop pretending to like each other, okay? Come on, Ernie.
Let's go trick-or-treating and create memories you'll forget in an hour.
- Well, we tried.
- Yeah.
You know, Sheila, Chris does have a point about one thing.
Now that you live in the building, you know, we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other.
So what are you saying? I'm saying, you know, I think you should move out of the building.
Nice hallway, Nick.
You really did do a wonderful job.
Well, don't be nice to me and make me feel bad about it.
That's not cool.
See, it's just an empty apartment.
Nothing to be afraid of.
No miss Cane, no miss Cane's ghost.
It was all made up By us.
You guys are getting older, all right? You can't let your imagination run away from you like that.
- Okay, dad.
- All right.
Lights go out all the time, right? Did it just get cold in here all of a sudden? I feel something on the back of my leg.
- Is it a centipede? - It just might be, Clarkie.
It just might be.
Okay, look, guys, I think we should pass on this apartment.
What do you say? - Yeah.
Okay.
What do you say, Marny? Marny? I'm already home.
Let's go.
Let's go.