Happyish (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

I've been kinda pissed off lately.
And it's not just me.
Everyone I know has been pissed off lately Bella, Monica, Allison.
None of us knows why.
It's not rage or fury.
It's not malaise or ennui.
I mean, hell, I wish it was something specific, something I could just point my finger at and say, "Doctor, look.
Here's where it hurts.
Here is where I'm bleeding.
" But it isn't.
I mean, the only way that I can describe it is this.
I feel like an Israelite.
You know, I remember as a kid that story of the Israelites in the desert and how they wandered around for 40 years, being told about this awesome place, this promised land.
And you know what they found when they got there? A fucking desert.
Oh, Bella, this was a bad idea.
Oh, come on.
It's worth a shot.
There's over 400 stores in here.
Something in here has to lift our spirits.
- Retail therapy.
- Ugh.
Retail therapy.
You know who retail therapy helps? - Retailers.
- I'm trying to help, Lee.
You wanna spend a hundred bucks bitching about your mother to some shrink, or do you wanna spend a hundred bucks on some foxy cutoffs? No, no, no, no.
Bella.
Ugh.
Fuck.
Yes, yeah, that that's hot.
Very nice.
Very nice indeed.
All right.
Can you go the other way? Very nice.
Atomic Goldfarb.
Is that a traditional Jewish name, you think? Atomic? They say he's good.
Please, he's been brought in to push me out.
Probably, yes.
I don't know why I'm doing the Wonderbra thing, anyway.
I'm buried in my own accounts.
Fuck you, Thom.
You should be thanking me.
This is the only account of Larry's that everyone's been begging me for.
That's it.
That's it.
Look at that.
I gotta tell ya, this does nothing for me anymore.
Having sex with Dani is just like a whole different thing.
Her body is like it's like a map of her life.
Oh, God.
I mean, at first I'm like, "Hey, this is the oldest woman I've ever had sex with," but now I think she may be the only real woman I've ever had sex with.
Every female body under 40 looks like they bought it from the same catalog, which they did.
And women under 30 are like Ikea furniture.
You know, it looks good, but everyone's got it.
By the time you get it home, it's probably gonna be damaged.
But I'm telling you, when I cup Dani's breast in my hand, there's there's life in there, you know? You can't buy that.
There's no surgery you get for that.
It's life.
It's a journey.
And every dent, every scar, every imperfection just makes a woman all the more beautiful.
Gravity does wonderful things to the female body.
Yep.
Have you ever sucked a saggy tit? Whoa.
Can she take that gum out? We have arrived! Wait.
This is it? This is the promised land? Are you kidding me? It's a shithole.
Yes, but it's our shithole.
A shithole? It's not even a fucking shithole.
It's nothing.
A shithole would be something.
Nothing is ever good enough for you people.
- No wonder God hates you.
- This is bullshit.
I knew we shouldn't have left Egypt.
At least back in Egypt we could have imagined someplace better.
Oh, fuck it.
Let's just go back.
Oh, can't we please just try to enjoy this? He said that we would find something here.
He said there would be something here.
A reason, a purpose, a meaning.
He lied to us, Bells.
Enjoy what? The scorpions, the emptiness, the sand? Yes! Sand.
Sand is fun, okay? What do you got against sand? Sand castles.
Sand boxes.
- Sand crabs.
- Sand storms.
Oh, can't we just play in the sand, guys? Can't we just play in the sand? 'Cause I'm so sick of wandering and walking and waiting.
And if we play in the sand, it'll cheer us up, okay? Let's just play in the sand.
Look at me.
I'm just playing in the sand! My eyes! Oh, my God.
My eyes.
Bella, I think I'm gonna have a seizure.
Can we please get out of here? Look at the picture on this.
It's amazing.
Helen Keller had the right idea.
Blind and deaf.
That's the way to go.
64-inch screen.
2,000 pixels.
Did you ever hear that Lenny Bruce thing about fake vomit? No, and we don't want to.
Mm.
He said, "You know why they make fake vomit? 'Cause the fake shit sold so well.
" $3,000, huh? You sell a lot of these? Oh, can't keep them in the store.
I think I have one more in stock if you're interested.
- Do you have any crack? - Crack? Yeah.
I'm looking for something that's maybe a little less addictive, maybe something a little less bad for my brain? Can you just chill the fuck out? - I'll come back.
- All right, Rich.
Thank you.
Bella I'm just trying to have a nice time.
I just wanna have a mindless day.
One day without the kid and the school and the husband, okay? Go through the mall, buy a few things, get a manicure.
Do you have to fuckin' piss on everything? Whoa, wait.
I'm not pissing on anything, Bella.
I'm allowed to have an opinion.
And I'm allowed not to have to hear it, Lee, okay? Just today.
Just for once.
Just humor me, all right? I know it's stupid.
That's the whole point, you know? The whole thing is fuckin' stupid.
But sometimes I just need stupid, okay? Don't yuck my yum.
That's what they say at Clarence's school.
Don't yuck my yum.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Okay? I won't fuck with your bubble and you don't yuck my yum.
Okay, I won't yuck your yum.
- Thank you.
My yum appreciates it.
- Okay, good.
Okay, speaking of yum, let's get a fuckin' drink.
Oh! Not a bad gig, huh? Not a bad gig.
You live in Woodstock? Yeah.
That's where that concert was, right? - That's right.
- When was that? Like, late '90s or something, right? Uh, there was a second one in the late '90s.
The first was late '60s.
Oh, two concerts.
Cool, cool.
So you're doing, like, a retro hippy sort of thing, huh? Sort of like a post-city, indie, nonmaterialistic, anti-social media vibe? Cool, cool.
I dig that.
You know, a buddy of mine in Brooklyn's doing this whole urban farm thing, man.
Props to that.
Props to that.
Just stop.
One s wait there.
Yeah, cool, cool.
Do your thing, man.
Do your thing.
I'll just be sitting here watching some hotties.
Jonathan says he wants you to be at the JP Morgan briefing.
Well, tell him I'd love to, but I can't because I'm babysitting a fucking two-year-old and I have to run out to buy some diapers.
Uh, Jonathan, Thom says he'd love to, but he and Atomic are buried in Wonderbra.
Lorna, tell Thom to stop bullshitting a bullshitter.
How long does it take to pick a pair of tits? Jonathan's feeling is that JP Morgan is a priority right now.
Well, tell him that he shouldn't have put me in a room with a fucking moron and given me the unenviable task of having to choose a pair of tits for the most asinine product ever.
Jonathan? Thom says he'll try.
Mm-hmm.
I told you this was a good idea.
No, this was a good idea.
Ugh, I just needed a break, you know? Barry's just ugh.
I don't know.
He's just so down all the time, you know? Like, nothing picks him up.
He's yucking your yum.
He says it's the job.
I don't know, maybe it is.
I don't know.
- Atomic? - Atomic Goldfarb.
The latest underaged prophet sent to deliver the lost 40-somethings from the wilderness.
Hey, at least you're working on some titties.
If I was working on some titties, then maybe I wouldn't be chasing every pair that walked by.
Hey, Bella is awesome.
Don't fuck it up.
I know.
I know.
She's great.
It's just I don't know.
You know, I mean, you wouldn't want to read just one book your whole life, would you? What one book is enough for a lifetime? - The Bible, according to my mother.
- That's five books.
32 if you count the New Testament.
That's a fucking lot of books.
Yeah, and none of them are very good, to be honest.
Man, you know what? I envy you.
You think you think Lee and I don't have issues? No, I didn't say I envied your marriage.
I envy your dream.
You still have a dream.
See, you still believe that if you just had enough time to write a book or two, if you could just become a writer, your life would be better.
Me, I know that's bullshit.
I left my corporate law gig, followed my heart, moved to the country, became a family court attorney.
Something for my soul.
And you know what? The work is shittier than before.
I've been to the mountain top, brother, and it's the same miserable shit as the mountain bottom.
Barry was my beautiful black knight in shining armor, you know, leading me to freedom.
Just I don't know.
We're not connecting lately.
Same bed, separate lives.
I mean, that's just reality, Bella.
Honey, that's just that's just life.
I mean, Thom and I don't fuck like we used to, but we laugh more.
Yeah? Well, we don't fuck or laugh.
Maybe you should talk to someone.
- Maybe you should yeah.
- "Maybe.
" I'm talking to you.
Yeah, I know.
You know, I mean, someone you pay money to.
No, or maybe depression is not a disorder.
Maybe life is the disorder.
Maybe we're a smart virus that has to adapt God damn.
Lost my train of thought.
Wow, there's no conversation that won't stop for, uh for ass.
None.
"Four score and seven years ago, a new holy crap! Look at the ass on that bitch.
" "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and God damn.
Look at the titties in the front row.
You're distracting the King.
" Excuse me.
Could we get another round of appletinis and some more mozzarella sticks? - Sure.
- Oh, my God.
I told you.
This was a good idea.
Oh.
No, mama, this was a great idea.
My last day after 15 years.
You know what I'm proudest of? Wonderbra.
Supporting greatness.
Hey, I inherited that campaign.
It's yours now, asshole.
Yeah, don't remind me.
Do you wanna pick one last pair before you leave? "We are going to take this brand from hooters to heroines.
" Maya actually said that.
And then she took us through her slideshow of great women with great racks.
- I know.
- Eleanor Roosevelt.
Golda Meir.
Barbara Bush.
Hey, Babs had a rack on her, man.
Well, Bush '41 was a tit man.
Yeah, well, all presidents are tit men.
Mm.
Not Obama.
Obama's an ass man.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's probably a joke about the Oval Office, but I can't be bothered.
Do you remember when we first met? It's gotta be 15 years ago now.
I came in here and I said, "Hey Larry Nash, love your work.
I just started here.
" - You know what you said? - What? "I'm sorry to hear that.
" Yeah.
So what are you most proud of? That in 15 years in this fucking business I never once stopped hating it.
Good for you.
I think that's what bothers me the most about these younger guys, you know? That they think it's cool.
You know? They like it.
They don't mind working for Satan.
You know, the pay is fantastic.
But you can't forget it's Satan.
Did you call Dani? You know, I'm ashamed I was ever good at it, to be honest.
You know, I think it was the stuff that made me happy back then.
You know, the brands and the things when I was younger.
The Nikes and the Levis and the BMWs.
It was fun to be a part of.
It was fun to get involved with.
Because the products themselves actually made me happy, you know? And then somewhere around 35 or something, something happens.
It stopped making you happy.
I remember looking around my house a few months back, and it's just filled with $5,000 couches and dead, soulless art, and I just thought, "What the fuck is all this shit?" My neighbor Ted was over, and I said, "Ted, what is all this shit?" What did he say? He offered me two grand for the couch.
Did you call Dani? - Yeah.
- And? She said the average employee age at Facebook is 26 and at Google it's 31 and at Apple it's 33.
I don't know what's worse, your leaving or my staying.
This is sexy.
What do you think? It would look good on your daughter.
Bella, look at this.
This would look great you'd look awesome in this.
This is really hot.
That's not hot, Bella.
That's ridiculous.
- Is this about Barry? - What? You do not need to dress like a teenager to keep him interested in you.
Wow.
Fuck you.
He should be happy to have you at all.
That's all I'm saying.
Oh.
Look who's gonna lecture me about happy.
Look at you, Lee.
You have a good marriage.
You have a beautiful child.
You have a home.
You have a studio.
And you are still pissed off.
You are still dissatisfied.
Why is that, Lee? Huh? What's it gonna take? How perfect does your shit need to be before you let yourself even feel an ounce of joy? Don't talk to me about happy, okay? Don't talk to me about anything.
Listen, uh, Atomic, I'm not sure I can take much more of this.
Yeah, I hear ya.
Look, if you wanna choose the model, that's fine by me.
I don't even know why they use a model anyway.
It's not like anybody doesn't know what they do.
Or what tits look like.
Exactly.
All right.
You know, I was thinking maybe they shouldn't even have a Wonderbra model anymore, you know? I mean, I don't you're the creative director.
You know better than me.
But, like, maybe all they need to do is own big.
Well, this is my first day on the account, so, you know, your guess is as good as mine.
I just think, like, all this "supporting greatness" shit, it's weak, man.
It's like they're embarrassed to be who they are.
People like big tits.
All people.
Except for the people that don't, and fuck them.
They're not buying Wonderbras anyway.
So let's just own big.
Americans like big.
Big burgers, big trucks, big tits.
You don't even need to see some chick, you know? You don't even need to see the product.
You just open up on, uh on I don't know, you open up on the Great Wall of China, right? And you see how huge it is, right? You know, it's gigantic.
Miles long, all that shit.
And then the title comes up.
"Nobody travels halfway around the world to see the Medium Wall of China.
" Logo comes up.
"Wonderbra.
Go big.
" Or, you know, whatever.
Yeah, no, that's yeah, I guess people don't come back from Yosemite and claim to have seen Littlefoot.
Maybe Bella's right.
Maybe there is something wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I hate sand, too.
Well, they don't.
They all seem really happy with it.
Because they're insane.
It's just sand.
The only reason they like it is they can't admit they hate it 'cause they're stuck in it.
Because it's supposed to be the promised land, and they can't admit that it's not, that they were lied to.
They were shortchanged, you know? And, I don't know, maybe there is a promised land, maybe there isn't, but this isn't it.
This this can't be it, I mean, you know, however much they need to believe that it is.
It's, like, I wasn't happy in Egypt.
I wasn't happy in the desert and I'm not happy here.
It's like it's like I'm broken.
It's like I I I'm not happy anywhere.
Baby, we'll we'll keep looking, okay? We're gonna find it.
I promise.
Oh, my God, look at these! - These ones here.
- I know! Oy.
I'm lost.
Who isn't? I gotta get out of here.
Me, too.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, you're gonna show me the way out? I don't have that kind of time.
Hey, don't bust my balls, Lee.
Christ.
You get lost once, they never let you forget it.
Trust me.
This way.
Shit.
Wait.
No, no.
No, this isn't right.
So it's your fault.
You started all this "promised land" shit.
Look, if I said I was taking everybody to "regular land," or, uh or "land that can't replace the gaping emotional empty hole in your heart," you think anybody would have followed me? If I've learned one thing in life, it's this.
Promised land.
Land of opportunity.
Shining city on the hill.
It's just sand.
How the fuck do you get out of here? So what do I do? Do I fake it? Yes.
You take joy wherever you can find it, even if it's bullshit.
You know, Lee, I never made it to the promised land.
I died before we got in, but my kids made it in.
And that's all that's important in the end.
They made it in.
They've been happy there ever since.
You don't follow the news much, do you, Mo? We're here.
Oh.
I found it.
My ass.
You know what? I'm gonna find some bullshit.
And I'm gonna hit The Cheesecake Factory.
Just purchasing the one item today? Just returning the one item today? What was wrong with them? They're cheap and slutty.
That's why I'm buying 'em.
I returned all the shit I bought.
I'm buying all the shit that you returned.
What now? I can't drive.
Ugh.
I can't drive.
Any ideas? Well, obviously we should go have another round of appletinis and ride the Ferris wheel.
Obviously! Nobody would care much for the Less Than Grand Canyon.
Nobody claims to have seen Mediumfoot.
And nobody would travel halfway around the world to see the Not-So-Great Wall of China.
Wonderbra.
Go big.
It's a great idea, guys.
It's strong and it's simple, and it gets away from that crappy imagery they've been stuck with.
- It's not even close to their strategy.
- Fuck the strategy.
They wanna be seen as supporting women.
They wanna be human and approachable.
They don't support women.
They they do that.
Andrea Dworkin never wore a Wonderbra.
Andrea Dworkin never wore any bra.
Maybe if it said something like, "Hey, this is the Great Wall of China, and you can be great, too.
" If you had bigger tits.
Look, they spent millions on "supporting greatness," Thom.
I get this is a clever idea and all, but there's just no way.
Welcome to MGT.
Oh, hey, no worries, man.
I just started here.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, back to watching titties.
Welcome to the promised land! Welcome to the promised land! - You know what? - What? Honey you were right.
This was a great idea! Hey, let us down! We have more shopping to do! Let us go! Let my penis go! Let my penis go! We need more stuff! Let my penis go! And behold, Abraham arose in the morning, and he left.
Guess that's why I always liked Abraham.
At least he left.
At least he kept trying to find a better place.
You should go back to that store.
I'm serious.
See if they have 'em in your size? Yeah.
Come here.
Come here.
And also, I mean, come on.
He fucked his wife when she was 90.
That's pretty fuckin' awesome, guys.