Harley Quinn (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

[CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
- [GASPS.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Oh, that was awesome! Everyone brought their A-game! I mean, Psycho, when you made those T-Rex bones just come to life and then chase that guard Mwah! Wait, did you just steal King Tut's body? Ugh, I was going to see that on Sunday.
See it? Now you can touch it.
[CLAYFACE GASPS.]
Yeah, but I've never been, like, in a museum and thought, "Oh, I wish I could touch this dead body".
Uh, well, someone must wanna 'cause it was under heavy guard.
And, we needed a new ottoman.
We'll get used to it.
The news must be all over this.
Let's see what they're sayin' about us on Villainy.
evil.
Wait What? KGBeast's getting nominated for the Legion of Doom? I'm way better than him.
People must be freaking out in the comments.
"This was long overdue.
Yay".
"Worked with him on three assassinations.
So professional.
Couldn't have happened to a better guy".
Screw you, better guy.
What the hell does it take to get nominated? Ooh, look, here's one about you, "Why's no one talking about Harley Quinn? I'd like to nominate her to sit on my face".
Okay, well, that Mm.
Should have read it through.
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Um, do you wanna just, like, use your words? I've been busting my ass to get noticed by the Legion for the last two months.
I've done everything there is to do.
You mean we've done? Yeah, I was using the royal "I".
Sorry for the rant.
I'm, I'm, I'm fine now.
- [GROWLS, GRUNTS.]
- [OTHERS GASP AND GRUNT.]
Okay, now I'm fine.
Hey, so, I can't help but notice you're being extra Harley today.
And I just, honestly, I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom.
I mean, those guys are genuinely pieces of shit.
Uh, yeah.
Obviously.
But those pieces of shit are the only people Joker ever treated as equals.
I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion, too.
Okay, so, what you're saying is you're not over your ex, and you wanna throw - your success in his face.
- Exactly.
Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said.
All right, people, listen, I want ideas.
Somethin' that's gonna get us on the Legion of Doom's radar.
I could call my old pal Hank Kissinger.
I'm sure he has a few war crimes he never pulled off.
I know we're criminals, but are we really war criminals? No one thinks they're a war criminal, then you find yourself aiding a separatist movement to overthrow a democratically elected leader and boom, you're a war criminal.
Maybe we could steal some new computers 'cause that one you smashed was mine.
That's it.
WayneTech.
You wanna legally purchase computers? I wasn't thinkin' legal, and I wasn't thinking computers.
We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
All right, this is what we're going after.
- [GASPS.]
It's beautiful.
- And on the 26th floor.
Cool.
How we gonna get it down? We'll Fast and Furious 7 it.
Guys, that's the one where they shoot a car from one skyscraper into another skyscraper.
But, you know, ultimately, they're just all about family.
Clayface, activate "Operation Douche".
Uh, sir, please, have you seen my daughter? I mean well, technically, I'm not her father.
I mean, you see, the Lord hath cursed me with empathy, it's for my wife strayed.
It's an emotionally complex tale, that, if you have two hours to spare, I can burden you with my tale of woe.
Harley, thank you for letting me use my brains, for once.
Most people don't let me be who I am.
[GROWLS.]
Ooh, okay, I see what we're workin' with here.
I can hack the first three doors, but the retinal scanner at the entrance to the room is on you.
- [HUMMING.]
- 24, 25, [GASPS.]
Here we go.
[DR.
PSYCHO SCREAMS.]
Oh, shit.
Now why was she put down so gently? Um, because she's not a misogynist troll - that should be living in a well? - Psycho, focus.
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
[HARLEY GASPS IN AWE.]
It's even more beautiful in person.
Listen, could you do your dumb twisty twirls and get the bike, so we can get the hell out of here? Hello, what the hell are you doing? Stealing whatever's in here, it's "even more restricted".
Oh, perfect.
"Even more restricted".
You're the psycho.
[CLAYFACE.]
Mind you, that wasn't the first time I was cuckolded [EXPLOSION.]
I called an audible.
Let's get the hell out of here.
[ALARM BLARES.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SCREAMS.]
My arm.
It's too late.
We got to go.
But my arm.
You just called an audible.
Can't we call another one and get my limb? Can't you just grow a new one? And where the fuck is Psycho? [CACKLING.]
Is that the - I am a golden god.
- [BIKE REVVING.]
Ah.
Damn it.
[SCREAMS.]
Fuckin' hell.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, you little bitch.
Oh, don't you [SCREAMS.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING.]
Jim, what's wrong? [GROANS.]
Ah It's Barb.
You know, she's sleeping with someone else.
And the worst part, I can't blame her.
I mean, a woman can only go so long watching the dead eyes of her lover thrust atop her, before she looks for something new.
So, you didn't call me about the break-in at Wayne Enterprises? What? No.
Oh, this is about the break-down of my marriage.
The signal is for emergencies.
- Well - Emergencies.
You've abused it.
Look, my personal life is a mess right now, and I thought I could talk about that with my friend.
We're co-workers.
Harley stole some highly sensitive tech from Wayne Enterprises.
In her hands, it could be catastrophic.
Oh, well, then, I'm on it, co-worker.
Here, evidence from the crime scene.
- Yeah, what's that? - Ask it yourself.
You used to be such a damn good cop.
I damn still am.
Prove it.
[THE ARM WHIMPERING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, that was awesome.
Everyone kicked major ass.
I mean, Psycho, when you froze that security guard, mwah! Ah-uh.
Don't you dare Italian chef finger kiss any part of that disaster.
You screwed up the plan.
I'm ready for the heist, and it's-a gonna be-a delicious.
[LAUGHS.]
Hm.
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, oye.
[GROANING.]
Aye.
[KISSES.]
Shit.
I missed the heist, didn't I? If you could call it that.
Clayface lost his arm.
No, no, it's fine.
I'll just play one-armed characters for the rest of my career.
Perhaps they'll make a sequel to 127 Hours.
There has been light buzz.
You guys are thinkin' small-time, all right? This is a way bigger score than that bike.
This, this thing is a a highly classified technological device that's gonna blow the minds of the Legion of Doom.
You have no idea what that does, do you? Yes, I do.
Something Something button related? Look, either way, it is obviously important.
I bet you this heist's all over the news.
I mean, look, this is what I'm talkin' about.
We even got reviewed by The Cowled Critic.
I mean, he's like the only reviewer the Legion of Doom reads.
[LAUGH.]
All right, I learned something today, Cowlheads, and that is Harley Quinn and her crew aren't worthy of Legionnaires' disease, let alone the Legion of Doom.
- Wait, what? - But what should I have expected when the crew has the universally hated Dr.
Psycho, - and his hussy new girlfriend, Poison Ivy.
- [WOMAN MOANS.]
Oh, fuck off.
That is completely out of context.
I knew I should've let you fall to your death.
And the piece de resistance? Harley Quinn is so inept, she left behind a member of her own team who is now in the hands of the Gotham Police.
What the hell's he talkin' about? We all made it back in one piece.
Not exactly.
Tell me where Harley Quinn is.
[WHIMPERING.]
I just wanna get back to my dad.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Well, okay.
How about if you tell me about him? I can't, 'cause I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Oh, but I'm not a stranger.
No, my name is Jim.
I'm a hardworking detective with a beautiful wife who won't touch me even though I treat her like a queen and do everything for her.
- Everything! - [WHIMPERS.]
But that's not your problem.
Well, she doesn't sound like a friend to me.
That's exactly what I've been saying to anyone who would listen to me.
Which is no one.
But that's not what we're here to talk about.
But maybe it should be, Jim.
My God, you're right So, it knows everything you know? Yes, we've been over this.
My arm is a piece of me.
But it wouldn't give away our location, turn us in, testify against us, would it? Who knows? It's like a kid.
It'll do anything for approval.
Huh, wonder where it got that from.
Ugh, if he squeals, the Cowled Critic will have a field day, and the Legion of Doom will never take me.
But, mostly, we'll all be in prison for the rest of our lives.
Oh, yeah, that, that too.
And I'll never get my lost, little right hand man back.
Yeah, that, that, that too, too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know what, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this is completely fucking stupid.
Can you please fire me now, so I can get some unemployment? Okay.
No one's going anywhere.
'Cause we're gonna rescue your arm.
We are gonna break into the Gotham City Police Department.
If we pull it off, the Legion'll call us in no time.
Oh, and Clayface will have two arms.
Look, I'd love to come along, and support you but But ya wanna find the critic that said you're the biggest fuck up on my crew and tear him a new asshole, - I get it, I get it.
- I will not be slandered.
I'll help.
I'll help you smack him around a little bit.
What? For you.
Obviously.
I mean, I can't let this anonymous asshole talk shit about my best friend, right? Aw, Ive, you'd hurt him for me? Yes.
Absolutely.
And because he claimed I'm fucking Psycho.
But mostly for you, babe.
But also for me.
But for you.
For us.
It's fine.
Let's go.
I can't believe that bad old Batman took away your special signal.
After all the cases I've helped him solve.
I'm the one that does the grunt work.
All I ask is that occasionally when my wife is emotionally distant during sex, he listens.
Not to the sex, But, to me, talking about the Yeah.
Jim, you sound like a really good cop.
[GASPS.]
You know, it's just been so long since I've heard someone else say that, I was I was just starting to wonder if it was really true.
It's true to me friend.
[CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[THUDS AND GRUNTS.]
[MUFFLED CRIES.]
A one armed officer The stories my mind is weaving.
Ooh.
How could he lose it? A shootout? Maybe.
An explosion? Perhaps! I know, diabetes! So, when they arrest me, I go full shark and start a riot to cause a distraction? [HARLEY.]
Yep! Easy as one, two Shark! [GRUNTING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Okay, okay.
Plan B.
Clayface, you gotta distract 'em.
Brilliant! Hm, what do cops love? It is I again, your fellow officer.
Hello, chums.
I come baring horrible news! Joker has kidnapped Bruce Springsteen.
Some rat fuck stole The Boss! Don't worry, The Boss.
We're coming for you, Boss! - [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [SIRENS BLARING.]
[WOMAN ON PHONE.]
Hello? My husband's been murdered and the killer's still in the ho Come on.
Just tell me where Harley's lair is.
I'm your friend, not them.
You said it yourself.
You mean that? You're not just pretending? Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I was, but then you listened to me graphically explain the problematic intercourse I'm having with my wife and Well, gosh darn it, you didn't judge me.
Well, Jim, you can't judge what you don't understand.
God, you're so wise.
Aw, thanks, friend.
You know what? I'm gonna tell you where the lair is.
The lair is on - Don't tell him anything! - My child! Give us The Arm, Gordon.
Now! Oh, Jim, don't let 'em take me.
You need me, right? 'Cause I'm I'm epidence? Ho-ho-hold on there, crazy guy.
You're a lot more than just "epidence".
And I'm not going to let these animals touch you.
If you've got ears, stick your fingers in 'em right now because I'm about to work blue.
I'm gonna fuck you to death with bullets! [CLAYFACE SCREAMING.]
So, you found The Cowled Critic's house because you Heard it through the grapevine.
Yeah, it is a real thing.
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Oh, shit.
It's you.
Of course, it's you! - Who's she? - My ex-wife.
Why are you at my boyfriend's house? Quick side bar.
How did this work sexually? Not great! Oh, I should have called this! I know you're The Cowled Critic! You gave that review sayin' me and chick weed here are a couple.
You think I care about you and your jolly green whore? Okay.
I'm standing right here.
I don't have time to give some review.
I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend, - Brad, who's amazing at it.
- [DR.
PSYCHO.]
Oh, come on.
Only weak men do that.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Oh, fuckin' hell! Call me.
In other news, if you didn't write the review, who did? Father.
Herman? [GUN CLICKS.]
Just give us The Arm, Gordon.
You'll have to kill me first! He's my friend.
My only friend! - What about Batman? - He's no friend.
Now that Batman's abandoned me, this hand is all I have.
So, you'll have to pry this hand out of my cold dead hand.
Why can't you just leave us alone? What he said! Okay.
He's sidin' with Gordon.
He's gonna snitch and ruin everything, and I will never get into the Legion.
- And I'd like to have two arms.
- Oh.
Yeah, that too.
All right.
Two options, Gordy.
Give us The Arm and we leave, or I press this button and blow this whole fuckin' place sky-high.
Harley, this wasn't the plan.
We have no idea what that button does.
I gotta do something crazy and in the chaos we'll grab The Arm.
Okay.
You winked.
Is that a wink? That "No, I'm not going to press the button?" Is that a wink? "I am going to press the button?" - What's the plan? What? - Exactly.
You've got three seconds to put that button down or I'll pull this trigger.
So help me God.
Three two one.
[GUNSHOT.]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
Ah Uh, well, I wasn't expecting that.
What the hell? [SCREAMING.]
- [THUDS.]
- [HARLEY GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BATMAN.]
So, Quinn, you pressed the button.
Yeah, I don't think you got all the kinks worked out.
It's in beta.
Wow! I always wondered what the Batcave looked like.
So this must be where you fuck the bats.
- Hmm.
- [HARLEY.]
Are you gonna help me or what? You've seen the Batcave.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't let you drop.
Um Uh Hey, Bats, yeah, I'm here on a mercy mission, okay? Gordon's on the roof of the police department.
He's lost his mind.
I mean, I think he's suicidal.
He He said you abandoned him.
I don't know what he wants from me.
We're co-workers.
My screensaver just kicked in, didn't it? Yeah.
It sure did.
I mean, he said you put your work before your friendship.
That's real Selfish.
You know, Bats, now that I think about it, you and I ain't that different.
We're completely different.
We're both bad asses who look good in spandex.
This polymer body armor is made from indestructible micro-fiber.
Yeah, no, it looks like spandex.
[SCREAMING.]
[CRASHES.]
[HARLEY GROANS.]
My friend just lost his arm and, instead of helpin' him get it back, I did what would help me get into the Legion of Doom.
I let him down.
Just like you let Gordon down.
Not good at emotion.
Or [IN BATMAN'S VOICE.]
Vocabulary.
But hey, you got a chance to repair it, okay? We need to get Gordon before he does somethin' crazy.
Your friend needs you now.
Hmm.
Herman, my sweet Herman.
Listen, I understand your monster mom saying those things about me, but my brood, my own kin? You made my entire life a living hell.
You locked me in the basement for days - Mm-hmm.
- killed anyone who seemed to like me - That's true.
- never bought me a WayneStation4 - All right.
- Fuck! You named me Herman! You're the worst father ever! Okay.
Can we just take a step back? I made your life a living hell - because I care about you.
- What? Supervillains don't come from happy homes.
and I saw so much evil potential in you.
If I didn't think you could become the worst person in the world, I wouldn't have tried so hard to make your life awful.
I I only ever wanted to impress you, but I never thought I was evil enough.
Uh-uh-uh.
Nuh-uh.
No.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry because I thought I failed as a father, and you ended up happy, and heroic.
But look at you.
You're more evil than I could've dreamed.
I couldn't be more proud of you, my terrible son.
I hate you, Dad.
[SNIFFLING.]
I hate you so much.
I hate you too, son.
This is so fucked up, but weirdly really moving.
[HERMAN SOBBING.]
All right, I'm going to let you guys go.
I'm going to go find Brad.
If you want to stay with Gordon, I understand.
[SNIFFLING.]
[IN SHAKY VOICE.]
I only want you to be safe and [SNIFFLING.]
Safe and happy.
- Holy shit! Can we do that again? - No.
Oh, so you came back.
Well, I've got a new friend now - so there's nothing you can say - I'm sorry, Jim.
I'm sorry, too.
I knew you'd realize our friendship means more than just our day-to-day crime fighting.
And that we can lean on each other for our most intimate emotional needs.
Sure.
A damn good bat signal.
- [GORDON.]
Well - For a damn good cop.
Aw [THE ARM SNIFFLING AND WHINING.]
Thank you for everything, The Arm.
But I've got my real friend back now, so you can go on.
Go get reabsorbed back into your daddy.
[WHINING.]
Aw, don't do that.
[SNIFFLING.]
Don't make this harder than it needs to be.
[SNIFFLES.]
Oh, Jim.
I'll never forget yo [EXCLAIMS.]
Well done! All right, Quinn.
Time for me to take you to Arkham.
Wait, what? I just repaired your most important adult relationship.
[HARLEY GRUNTS.]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
- [COP 1.]
Everybody hands up! - [COP 2.]
Hands in the air.
- [COP 1.]
You're under arrest! - Not so fast, gentlemen.
Dance, coppers! [COPS EXCLAIMING.]
Let's go.
Let's get outta here.
[SIGHS.]
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
What a pussy! and so it is with a humble heart, that I come to, Cowlheads, retracting my previous review.
Harley Quinn and her crew have more than proven themselves.
Look, look, obviously I want to get into the Legion of Doom super bad.
It's incredibly important to me, but not more important than you guys.
Check this out, everybody! And I want to give a special shout out to Dr.
Psycho, who I slandered in my last review.
Feeling really bad about that.
Using his amazing brain powers, he made Batman vanish.
His super cool son must be so proud.
- Uh That's not what - Let him have this.
Also want to apologize for saying Poison Ivy and Dr.
Psycho are a couple.
That one's on me.
- Ah, thank God.
- Finally.
Harley Quinn and her crew are worthy of being nominated for this year's class of the Legion of Doom.
if she could only just stop leaving crew members behind.
We didn't leave anybody Oh, shit! [SLURPING.]
Mm.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Mm.
[GIGGLES.]
Darrell, if you ever bring me inferior toilet wine again, I'll be forced to shank you in the showers and you know I don't want to do that.
I like being "cool boss".
[EXPLOSION.]
Hey, King.
I am so sorry for leavin' ya here for so long.
- Oh, no problem.
- [DISTANT SIRENS.]
It allowed me to experience firsthand the failings of the prison industrial complex.
- [PRISONER 1.]
Yeah! Fresh fish! - [PRISONER 2.]
Here fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.
[LAUGHING AND KISSING.]
Now, fellas, look, I know it's just in fun, but [YELLING.]
What the fuck did I tell you about that word? - Oh, yeah.
Sorry, King.
- Ooh.
Sorry about that.
Oh.
They're learning.
Baby steps, right, Harley? [YELLING.]
I will kill each and every one of you with my bare hands if I have to! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]