HarmonQuest (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - Spencer: Last time - on "HarmonQuest" Now that I've collected all three runestones, we can finally resurrect the Manticore and rule this world.
My name is Hawaiian Coffee.
- Listen, we got - to get out of here.
- I can use the glasses - to unlock the thing.
You're in the evidence locker room.
And I shrink you to 1/8th the size.
While you guys - go out there, I'm gonna go explode myself with all these guards.
I'll never forget you! - Fugitives and - escaped prisoners, - You realize - you can't stay here.
Booking it out of town towards the Sandman Desert, hoping to find their way to the Heralds of the Manticore's secret lair.
Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
This is "HarmonQuest.
" I am Dan Harmon.
Okay, fine.
That's how you feel.
[cheers and applause.]
The real star of the show, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
With me as always, Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
Our other regular role-player, Jeff Davis.
And I'm very excited.
My old friend from "Community" and Twitter.
He's smart, he's funny.
- They don't usually - go together.
His name is John Hodgman.
[cheers and applause.]
So, Judge John Hodgman, as some people know you, what is your history with role-playing? I don't even know.
- It might surprise you - to learn That I was something of a nerd as a child.
- And I wanted very much - to play it, And I did a few times, 'cause I love the idea of immersing myself into a fantasy world, but it was so much, um, math.
- Yeah.
- So I was just like, "You know what, I can just sit at home and daydream.
" - So just in case - you're a little rusty, It's a game, and this guy is God, and he uses dice to simulate randomness, - and he tells us - what's happening.
- We tell him - what we want to do.
He tells us if we succeed or fail.
So without further ado, Spencer take it away.
All: Let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
Fugitives on the lam, the heroes retreated to the Sandman Desert, hoping to find their way to the Heralds of the Manticore's secret lair deep within Doorest of Fores.
We join our heroes now, in that desert that I mentioned.
- At this point, guys, - just to regroup, Like, are we Are we on a failed quest? I mean, the bad guys got all three of those runestones.
We're in the desert.
Everything we've done has been sloppy and comedic.
[laughter.]
- I don't like to leave - anything undone.
I feel like we've been given short shrift - throughout this whole thing, - and I feel more alive right now Than I've ever felt in my life, and I'm tiny right now.
Look how little I am, and I feel so alive! - Guys, bring it in.
- Bring it in.
- Bring it in.
- Huddle it up.
- Somebody pick me up - and put me somewhere cute.
All right, I pick I pick up Boneweevil, and I put him in my hair like a headband.
[laughs.]
- All right, - we're all best friends, And we all respect each other equally, including me.
[laughter.]
I scan I scan the desert for any sign of anything that might lead us to the Heralds of the Manticore.
In the distance you can see a caravan of heavily laden wagons curled into a circle, the caravan sign of distress.
- Uh-oh.
- You can see people Standing atop the wagons and also a number of dark, shadowy shapes surrounding the caravan.
You hear shouting and screaming.
The caravan is under attack.
[gasps.]
That's gotta be a huge tack.
We can edit that out.
We can edit that out.
No, no, no, no.
It stays, it stays.
No, no, no, that fucking stays in.
- Yeah, that stays.
- Lock it in.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever said in my life, - and I've said a lot - of dumb things.
- No, it's not.
- That's not true.
Uh, guys, the caravan's under attack.
Help! Help! Oh, oh, I look What's making the noise? Do I see? You see a man atop the caravan.
- Sir, sir.
- Yes? - What is your name, - first off? I am Han Jodgman.
Han Jodgman.
Travelers, please come to my aid.
I am being attacked by these wraiths.
You see wraiths.
These are ghostly draped figures that seem to be wearing ghastly black ropes that obscure their ghostly faces and/or limbs.
One of the wraiths listens to your introduction - Uh-oh.
- And rushes at you And touches you with his wraithy, wraithy knife, dealing three damage to Buer.
Ahh! No one touches me unless I uh, give consent.
I I take out my axe, Only Friend, and I swipe at the wraith.
[grunts.]
Dealing eight damage.
Ah, that'll show you! Ya-hee! I swing with my bastard sword.
You swipe at the wraith that attacked Buer, dealing 11 damage.
[cheers and applause.]
The wraith staggers and falls into a pile of black, ethereal, wispy-like fabrics.
Now that we've killed one of your attackers, give us a biographical detail.
Ugh.
How to compress a lifetime.
I am but a caravan merchant, transporting sandwiches across this mundanely named desert.
Oh, my God.
Thank you! We haven't eaten in several days.
We're really starving.
Well, my friend, - help me fight off - the rest of these wraiths, And I'll pay you and feed you with sandwiches.
Yay! I scamper out of Buer O'Shift's hair, and I clamber down her leg.
Do you still have sandwiches left? Look into my caravan.
I have literally 100 sandwiches.
Okay.
His story checks out.
I can see the sandwiches.
Yeah.
- All right, I get into - a flanking position On one of the wraiths.
- I'm small, but I'm gonna - make it count.
As opposed to figuratively 100 sandwiches.
[snorts.]
[laughter.]
The wraiths The wraiths seem to be fading away.
Oh.
Han Jodgman, why did those wraiths just suddenly leave when we showed up? What was that about? You know how wraiths love sandwiches, and these are some of the most valuable sandwiches in the realm.
I am truly a sorcerer.
I made all of these sandwiches with my hand and a little bit of magic.
Then wrapped them up in little triangle boxes to take to a place to sell at great profit.
- I start, because I'm - so hungry and famished, I just start unceremoniously eating a sandwich.
What? What? What? [makes eating sounds.]
What is that tiny creature doing? [makes eating sounds.]
He's eating one of your giant sandwiches.
Fine, he gets one.
You each get two.
Ooh, yay! - Which kinds of sandwiches - do you want? I have ham and cheese.
Go on.
Egg salad with arugula.
I would like egg salad with arugula.
And orc loaf.
Ohh! And pimento orc loaf.
Ugh.
And soy orc loaf.
If there are vegetarians among you.
I partake of an orc soy loaf sandwich.
You're eating your own - You're part orc.
- What are you doing? It's made of orc.
He said soy though.
- It's not.
- But you just want something - That tastes like - your own body, - But isn't real? - There's no such thing As any kind of loaf that's ever made out of anything mammalian.
Meat.
Meat.
What? What are meatloaf.
- Meatloaf is made - out of meat.
- Oh, I thought - that was the bread! That's fucked up, you're selling orc meat.
I'm an orc.
You're a half-orc.
I can understand why it wound offend you.
But just pretend that it doesn't exist.
Mm.
Han Jodgman, we need to get to the To the Doorest of Fores - to find the Heralds - of Manticore.
Do you have - any information That could help us out on our quest? Perhaps I do, but I have need of protection as I go to the same place as you.
I will happily pay you each literally [laughter.]
100 currency.
Well, you need to say what that currency is.
- Gold maybe? - Is gold good? I have gold as well.
Are you sure you wouldn't want to be paid in orc teeth? - I have many of those.
- Are you kidding me? Do you know what I mean? I don't want to be gross, - but also do you have - any more orc loaf? - And I don't want to be weird, - but it is the best-tasting I don't want to be here.
It's just market demand.
Well, well, here's my market demand.
Some personal space! And I storm off.
So yeah, so whatever currency, but we'll protect you.
100 gold, and here, please, have a sandwich.
This is called a win-win, except for the dead orcs that became sandwiches.
Great.
All right, so I hop on the caravan and call out to Fondue Stop pouting! We're going! I'm far away.
Can't hear you! You're too far away! [cheers and applause.]
You know, normally when I hire mercenaries, I look for the aggressive type, not the passive-aggressive type.
Can we embark towards the Doorest of Fores? You embark.
As you pass in the night, your ears are pierced by a shrill shrieking sound.
This is a magical alarm.
[imitating alarm.]
Aghh! HJ, what is that? That is my magical alarm, I believe.
I check the perimeter? - Oh, man.
- Good move.
- Looking outside - of the caravan, You see lined up on the dunes are several wraiths.
They seem to be holding ghostly bows and arrows.
I turn to Han Jodgman and say - Look, you're a sorcerer.
- Yes? Looks like things are about to get dirty.
- Yes.
- I'm very small.
I don't suppose in your magical bag of tricks - you could make me big again, - could you? I consult my spell book.
It says here that I have Arcane Strike, Eschew Materials, - Spell Penetration, - Still Spell.
I don't know what any of this means.
Touch of Laughter.
Oh, that's fun.
That sounds fun.
Could that help you? I mean, it couldn't hurt.
What would happen if I were to deploy Touch of Laughter? Do you want to try or do you want I do! Touching the tiny goblin, he erupts into laughter.
[laughs.]
That doesn't look like it's working.
Call me old-fashioned, but I'm gonna shoot an arrow at them.
From 40 yards, you fire an arrow, - and it strikes - one of the wraiths.
- Nice.
- You don't really see How much damage it takes, but it takes eight.
Great.
The wraiths loose their volley on the caravan.
One of the caravans is hit by an arrow that is on fire.
My sandwiches! Also, Fondue and Buer take damage as well.
You take Fondue takes seven and Buer takes nine.
Can I use my waterskin to try to put out the fire? - Oh, yeah.
- [yells.]
- Leaping swiftly - into the action, You jump atop the flaming caravan, and you douse it with your waterskin.
With your quick reflexes, you've managed to quench the fire.
All right.
Stealing sandwiches really burns me up.
Boo! 40-yard boo! In a moment of adrenalized excitement, I just I lose sight of the fact how little I am, and I charge into battle.
You get about ten feet.
- [laughs.]
Look at that - adorable thing.
Oh, he's still laughing.
Oh, I regret that spell.
[laughs.]
How long does Touch of Laughter last, by the way? Seven rounds.
Shit.
I seem to have a Wand of Force Missile.
May I deploy a Force Missile at the wraiths? Waving your wand about, you launch loose three force missiles that wind their way inexorably towards the wraith, dealing 11 damage in total.
Nice job.
- Get in the fight, Fondue.
- I am.
- I can't tell.
- You're so far away.
- I shoot an arrow - I'm shooting an arrow.
[laughs.]
That's not funny.
[laughs.]
Oh, right.
Your arrow strikes true.
It hits the wraith that has been damaged by the Force Missiles.
- It takes five damage - and staggers And topples backwards off the dune.
I got one.
You see a brilliant flash of blinding light, and at once the wraiths disperse.
[laughs.]
Isn't there something I can do about that? Yeah, you have the ability to dispel magic as well as cast it.
Oh, why did you wait this long? I totally dispel his ass immediately.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! - Dispelling - his ass immediately, He stops giggling and also returns to normal goblin size.
[wild cheering.]
Well, that was my plan all along, you see? Of course I knew what I was doing.
Hey, guys, I'm back.
I've had a change of heart, since I've come to know you as a living, breathing orc who has not been pulped and mushed into an edible loaf.
[laughter.]
I recognize, I dare say, your orcanity.
I will no longer sell these incredibly valuable orc sandwiches, and I hope you will now join me in giving them the proper burial they deserve.
[cheers and applause.]
I bury the orc loaf sandwiches and the orc pimento loaf sandwiches, but the soy orc sandwiches are fine, because they are simply made of elf skin.
[retches.]
- After burying - the sandwiches, You literally have 76 remaining.
The night the night passes uneventfully otherwise.
The next morning, the caravan arrives in an oasis and stops.
Guys, our caravan stopped.
There's water and there's, you know, palm trees, and green vegetations and even your occasional animal.
I go to the water, and I drink it with my orc face.
Oh, yeah, you do that.
It's refreshing.
I approach Han Jodgman and I'm gonna use Intimidate.
Look here, HJ, my friends are not as tough as me, - and they let - a lot of stuff go.
I want to know why those wraiths were shooting at your caravan with with fiery bows.
Why are you so distrustful of me? I pat him down.
Hey-oh ah Shut up, shut up, shut up! You like it, you like it.
Well, I can't deny.
You feel something hard in his front pocket.
Uh I reach into his pocket.
Oh, it feels hard and cylindrical.
Can I pull it out? No, no, ah It's just my wand.
You pull it out.
It's a wand.
You are so distrustful.
It's one of my many sorcerer wands that does magic things.
You hear the piercing shrill sound of the alarm once more.
- The caravan is surrounded - by wraiths.
The biggest-looking wraith, it does one of these, - and it pulls off - its wraithly hood, And it's not a wraith, as I've been telling you it was this whole time.
In fact, it is a woman wearing wraithly robes.
She's got bronze hair and also less-than-bronze skin and points directly at Han.
This bastard raided our villages and took our people captives, turning them into sandwiches and boxing them up.
[screams.]
I knew it! Deploy evil laugh.
[laughs maniacally.]
A Touch of Laughter, indeed.
I point at the woman and deploy the wand, turning her into a sandwich.
All right, well, you try to turn her into a sandwich, but she seems to shake it off.
Her fortitude is too great.
God damn it! I cast Minor Magic to steal Use my Telekinesis to steal the wand out of Han Jodgman's hand.
You pull the wand from his clutches, and it enters your clutches.
I go Touch of Death! Whoa.
And I point it at him.
That happens.
You do say that and then point.
Oh, but I don't know magic, so it doesn't work.
I run away with it.
- Are there any trees - or anything? - Oh, yeah, - you're in an oasis.
- I climb up a tree and hide - up at the top of a tree.
I get as high as I can and put the wand way up in a tree so he can't get to it.
You do that.
Hey, guess what, butt flaps, your wand's up a tree.
And your face is up a fist.
- And I punch him.
- I punch him 'cause I have to.
- I have to punch him - because I said that.
- Now you have to punch him.
- I have to punch him.
- It'd be better - to attack him with a sword, - But I punch him.
- All right.
- Also I don't really - want to kill him, - 'Cause we were - friends with him.
- One.
- Um, okay.
Your punch goes wide - and flies - straight into a tree.
I punch a tree - next to you.
You take four damage.
I take New Friend, and I attempt to cut off just the top of his head.
You slice him in the head, making a great gash from which he bleeds heavily.
It seems that my efforts to ingratiate and then deceive you have failed.
My plan I did turn all of those villagers into sandwiches to sell them as slaves in the next town.
Ohh.
Now it has all come crashing down.
The only thing left for me is to say, first, I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- And second, I summon monsters to kill you now.
And with that, he summons two monsters.
Two lesser manticores appear.
- What? - One of the manticores Starts going up a tree, trying to get after Boneweevil, and the other one uh, eats itself.
What? No, it tries Come on, manticore! That's why they're lesser manticores.
Okay, so run and scamper and try to fly with the wand in my mouth to another limb to another tree.
You do that.
- You scurry to a completely - nother tree.
I feel the need to defend my life at this point.
I suppose I have nothing left but to shoot a Force Missile at, uh really you are the only threat to me.
Ouch.
You do that.
Loosing Force Missiles, they seek the target with unerring accuracy and smash I use Uncanny Dodge.
Unerring accuracy.
It hits you right in the chest like several magical punches But I love it! And you take 14 damage.
Ugh! The manticore is now atop the tree.
It jumps onto the tree that Boneweevil is on, trying to eat him with his mouth.
[laughs.]
And it's a critical hit.
- Oh, I saw it.
- It was a 20.
It was.
Dealing 18 damage.
Damn! I take out my new dagger, and I just go right at the throat.
I just go, "Wah-ba!" I'll put daylight into your neck.
Yay, I like that.
That's a T-shirt.
You put daylight into his neck, dealing 19 damage.
- Whoa! - Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
Yeah! I think we can all agree it was a boss thing to yell.
[laughter and cheering.]
Now Han, you make it hard to want to kill you.
- You're kinda winning us over - at every turn.
- That's what I'm saying.
- I like this guy.
Well, I figured that I should become friends with you, because apparently these fights never end.
Hey, wraith lady.
Yeah, what's up? Like, he already made the sandwiches.
We're starting to like him.
Like, nothing's gonna get you your people back.
Well, why do you think that? That's an insane thing to think.
- What do you mean? - Excuse me, just a quick point.
Did you think that I'd turned all of these orphan children and other villagers into sandwiches to sell as slave sandwiches? - We forgot you're gonna - turn them back into slaves At one point.
I did not forget.
I forgot! Only the Wand of Sandwich - could turn them - back into people.
I scamper back down the tree past the wounded manticore.
- And I run up to the gang - and I say Look, if you want to be our friend and you want to show good faith right now, - we'll give this back to you, - but you have to turn All the sandwiches back into people right now, - but you have - to let them free.
Well, I do have quite a bit of blood gushing from my head, and I'm very uncomfortable.
It seems soon enough I will die.
But if you do us this service, we'll heal you.
I accept your proposal.
I have a weird feeling, Han Jodgman, that if we do this and commit to it, that we'll be rewarded for it later, unexpectedly, you'll come swooping in like a celebrity guest coming in in a future episode.
With that in mind, a paycheck is a paycheck.
Sandwiches be humans again and orcs.
All the sandwiches turn back to people.
- Oh, hello! Hi! Hello! - Whoa! Some of them have bite marks.
Ohh.
Sorry.
- Han, we took you - at your word That you're not gonna do anything bad now.
Take your caravan and just go on your way.
My plan was to slink away going, "I'll get you next time.
" - But if you're just - setting me free, That's fine too.
Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye, Han.
Bye, Han Jodgman! Good-bye, Han! The sand people gather together and they start to leave.
They say Thanks? I mean, well - I'm we're gone.
- We're leaving.
Okay, let's lose the question mark next time.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You're welcome.
You find yourselves near the Doorest of Fores.
You can see its trees looming about three miles off from your current location.
The Doorest of Fores, as you may recall, is the location of the secret hideout of the Heralds of the Manticore.
- But could our heroes - make it in time To prevent the Heralds from resurrecting their dark lord? Would the gang get over their apparent accidental cannibalism? Would they ever see Han Jodgman again? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
John Hodgman, everybody! Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden, our Game Master.
- I'm Dan Harmon, - and we will see you In the next chapter of our continuing "HarmonQuest"! [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It'sa gooda show! [upbeat accordion music.]