Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e06 Episode Script
The Dabba Don
1 My buddy and me we want to open a couple of small businesses.
Get a couple of concerns going and we want to make sure that we do everything real nice and legitimate-like, right? So l'm coming to you to help me, as a special favor.
-So, what business are you in now? -Construction.
And what sort of business are you interested in starting? Well, we're always coming up with lots of ideas on how to make a lot of money quick.
There's always crime.
Always crime, yeah.
l should have the papers ready by the end of the week.
-Thank you for coming in, Mister.
-Call me Freddie.
Do you know what this means to the firm? The billable hours? l can finally build that lake house, and l'll run around naked all day.
Dangly parts.
Birdman, no matter what happens, l can't know a thing about this.
Nothing.
Under the desk, now.
-Phil, l'm not quite sure-- -l don't want to hear it! He just wants to set up some side business for his family.
Mary had a little lamb lf you're not careful, you'll get us all whacked.
-Body in a wood chipper.
-Minty! -Yes? -Harv? Me.
Listen, l would like to thank you for everything you've done for me.
That construction worker, Mr.
Freddie.
l'd like to invite you to my daughter's christening this weekend.
lt's a big event, Godfather.
Godfather? lt's quite an honor, but l'm going to have to think about it.
l'm real disappointed to hear that, Harvey.
Real disappointed.
But it's your decision.
You're the one who's gonna have to live with it.
Wonder what that means.
Freddie? No, he ain't here.
Tell him his wife called.
Yeah, which one? Barney, which one? l'm not the enemy, Fred.
We must have 15 taps in that place.
What do l come home to? Nothing! Look at how he treats her.
Don't you point a finger at me.
-ls a little dinner too much to ask? -What's that supposed to mean? Would you clean this child? She smells like dinosaur doo-doo.
The guy's good, l'll give him that.
Never talk business at home, do you, Fredasauri? Must be doing it all at the social club.
Why don't you take a big bite out of my.
You are under arrest for violations of the RlCO Act of 1970.
-Yeah! -You have the right to remain silent.
-Nice shot.
-Thanks.
There's a case coming up.
The boss is gonna need your help.
-Not this time.
-What? lt's over.
l'm taking my life back.
And for the first time in a long time l feel clean.
Club like this can do some damage, huh, Judge? ls that a threat? Just want to make sure you know the rules of the game, is all.
Do l have a temper? Yes.
Have l yelled at my wife for throwing a bowling ball at a guy? Yes.
-Does that make me a mob boss? -Si.
Now, Harv, l'm counting on you.
l'd hate to think what could happen if you couldn't get me out of here.
Wonder what that means.
Damn it! You eat? Look at me.
l'm a wreck! Yours? And l'm molting.
Fantastic! -Who's getting made? -What? You don't think they're gonna open the books for me? Why does it feel like we're having two different conversations? Let me tell you one thing, padrone, when Peanut comes heavy -he comes hard.
-Much better.
lt's a little light this week.
Hear ye, hear ye, this court has now come to order.
The Right Honorable Hyra Mightor presiding.
Hello? And now, the guy to call when your broker's a-broke it's Mentok, the Mind Taker.
l didn't feel the love.
Wait, l'm getting something.
No, not love.
Sorry l'm late, all, but l just got the phone call to come over.
l mean, l was just summoned by the spheres.
Anyway, they said, ''Go to 101, we can't find the other guy.
'' ''When your broker's a-broke''? My God, man, get a writer.
By the way, are you getting a sore throat? No? lt's not scratchy? You're not getting a little tickle down there? Flintstones.
Meet the Flintstones.
They're the mobbish stone-age family from the villa of Bedrock.
They're a page right out of Godfather lll.
When we try Fred Flintstone yes, he's gonna do hard time.
Yeah! He'll do time.
A lot of jail time.
Mrs.
Flintstone, would you mind telling us what you do for a living? l'm a homemaker.
Would you say that you live la dolce vita? The sweet life, for God's sake.
l'm well taken care of, if that's what you mean.
l live a life of privilege.
But sometimes l question where the money comes from.
Nothing further.
Mrs.
Flintstone, would you say your husband gets hit on the head a lot? -Define '"a lot.
'" -A lot a great deal, more than once by a bunch.
l really couldn't tell you.
l'm holding records from Bedrock County Hospital which indicate that your husband was admitted on 47 separate occasions last year for, and l quote: ''Severe head trauma as a result of bowling ball mishap.
''And once for getting his head stuck in a milk bottle.
'' -He's a little clumsy.
-lndeed.
And isn't it true that at these times he often descends into a delusional state sometimes actually adopting another person's persona.
-No, that's not true.
-l'll remind you, you're under oath.
-Your Honor-- -Yes, you may roll it.
Mind taker.
Who is this? -My husband.
-Correction.
Before getting bonked on the head by a bowling ball it was your husband.
Now it's Frederick, the international bon vivant and playboy.
-And this? -My husband.
No.
Bowling ball.
Bonk, surprise! lt's Frederico Flintstoni.
lnternational racecar driver and playboy.
And tell me, Mrs.
Flintstone, who is this? -That's Cary Granite.
-But who's he talking to? My husband.
Wouldn't it be safe to say, that your husband, for a time after so many concussions, perhaps thought he was a mob boss but really wasn't? -lt's possible, yes.
-Nothing further.
Who do you want me to whack? Just pick, l'll whack them.
How about that guy over there with the socks? l'm still talking to you.
Sorry, l'm just gonna look away.
But if it was the guy with the socks, that'd be good, wouldn't it? He looks quick.
l would like to call to the stand the pterodactyl lamp.
You're a lamp, correct? -lt's a living.
-But that's not all, is it? You were playing another role, were you not? Double-billed, as it were.
l was a tap, placed there by the government.
Tell us some of the things you witnessed.
Well, there was the stolen piano he brought home for the wife the counterfeiting scheme Rubble had in his basement the floating crap game, the white slavery.
The guy's a pig, a Neanderthal.
You're dead to me, can opener! l can't understand this.
l'm just a regular working guy.
-What do you do? -Building materials stone, gravel, cement, that kind of thing.
Hello? Now, your wife.
Your wife thinks you're into organized crime with the money and jewels and the beautiful stone furniture.
My wife, what's she know? She knows nothing about the business.
Nothing! All right, l think that-- She's supposed to be in the kitchen all day.
-You see shoes on her? No! -That's fine.
What's a wife know about the things we men do? -Nothing further.
-Enough with the wife.
Giving me agita.
Come on, stop it.
Sore throat, l called it.
Yes! Mind taking! Stick with the kid, baby.
Mr.
Spyro, go ahead, if you please.
There he is.
Come here, you.
Wow! That's a man-kiss.
You done good.
The boss è molto felice.
Just don't screw up.
Wonder what that means.
Gleep juice.
Or is this gloop? -The boss? -Yeah.
No.
We resolved that.
Fred's not the boss.
You're right, he's not.
He is.
-Who are you? -l told you.
l'm Fron Fernstone.
Botanist and-- Who are you? Ferd Flintlock, rodeo rider-- l'm Anne Heche.
-Wilma, honey, what's going on? -Dada ! Hello? English
Get a couple of concerns going and we want to make sure that we do everything real nice and legitimate-like, right? So l'm coming to you to help me, as a special favor.
-So, what business are you in now? -Construction.
And what sort of business are you interested in starting? Well, we're always coming up with lots of ideas on how to make a lot of money quick.
There's always crime.
Always crime, yeah.
l should have the papers ready by the end of the week.
-Thank you for coming in, Mister.
-Call me Freddie.
Do you know what this means to the firm? The billable hours? l can finally build that lake house, and l'll run around naked all day.
Dangly parts.
Birdman, no matter what happens, l can't know a thing about this.
Nothing.
Under the desk, now.
-Phil, l'm not quite sure-- -l don't want to hear it! He just wants to set up some side business for his family.
Mary had a little lamb lf you're not careful, you'll get us all whacked.
-Body in a wood chipper.
-Minty! -Yes? -Harv? Me.
Listen, l would like to thank you for everything you've done for me.
That construction worker, Mr.
Freddie.
l'd like to invite you to my daughter's christening this weekend.
lt's a big event, Godfather.
Godfather? lt's quite an honor, but l'm going to have to think about it.
l'm real disappointed to hear that, Harvey.
Real disappointed.
But it's your decision.
You're the one who's gonna have to live with it.
Wonder what that means.
Freddie? No, he ain't here.
Tell him his wife called.
Yeah, which one? Barney, which one? l'm not the enemy, Fred.
We must have 15 taps in that place.
What do l come home to? Nothing! Look at how he treats her.
Don't you point a finger at me.
-ls a little dinner too much to ask? -What's that supposed to mean? Would you clean this child? She smells like dinosaur doo-doo.
The guy's good, l'll give him that.
Never talk business at home, do you, Fredasauri? Must be doing it all at the social club.
Why don't you take a big bite out of my.
You are under arrest for violations of the RlCO Act of 1970.
-Yeah! -You have the right to remain silent.
-Nice shot.
-Thanks.
There's a case coming up.
The boss is gonna need your help.
-Not this time.
-What? lt's over.
l'm taking my life back.
And for the first time in a long time l feel clean.
Club like this can do some damage, huh, Judge? ls that a threat? Just want to make sure you know the rules of the game, is all.
Do l have a temper? Yes.
Have l yelled at my wife for throwing a bowling ball at a guy? Yes.
-Does that make me a mob boss? -Si.
Now, Harv, l'm counting on you.
l'd hate to think what could happen if you couldn't get me out of here.
Wonder what that means.
Damn it! You eat? Look at me.
l'm a wreck! Yours? And l'm molting.
Fantastic! -Who's getting made? -What? You don't think they're gonna open the books for me? Why does it feel like we're having two different conversations? Let me tell you one thing, padrone, when Peanut comes heavy -he comes hard.
-Much better.
lt's a little light this week.
Hear ye, hear ye, this court has now come to order.
The Right Honorable Hyra Mightor presiding.
Hello? And now, the guy to call when your broker's a-broke it's Mentok, the Mind Taker.
l didn't feel the love.
Wait, l'm getting something.
No, not love.
Sorry l'm late, all, but l just got the phone call to come over.
l mean, l was just summoned by the spheres.
Anyway, they said, ''Go to 101, we can't find the other guy.
'' ''When your broker's a-broke''? My God, man, get a writer.
By the way, are you getting a sore throat? No? lt's not scratchy? You're not getting a little tickle down there? Flintstones.
Meet the Flintstones.
They're the mobbish stone-age family from the villa of Bedrock.
They're a page right out of Godfather lll.
When we try Fred Flintstone yes, he's gonna do hard time.
Yeah! He'll do time.
A lot of jail time.
Mrs.
Flintstone, would you mind telling us what you do for a living? l'm a homemaker.
Would you say that you live la dolce vita? The sweet life, for God's sake.
l'm well taken care of, if that's what you mean.
l live a life of privilege.
But sometimes l question where the money comes from.
Nothing further.
Mrs.
Flintstone, would you say your husband gets hit on the head a lot? -Define '"a lot.
'" -A lot a great deal, more than once by a bunch.
l really couldn't tell you.
l'm holding records from Bedrock County Hospital which indicate that your husband was admitted on 47 separate occasions last year for, and l quote: ''Severe head trauma as a result of bowling ball mishap.
''And once for getting his head stuck in a milk bottle.
'' -He's a little clumsy.
-lndeed.
And isn't it true that at these times he often descends into a delusional state sometimes actually adopting another person's persona.
-No, that's not true.
-l'll remind you, you're under oath.
-Your Honor-- -Yes, you may roll it.
Mind taker.
Who is this? -My husband.
-Correction.
Before getting bonked on the head by a bowling ball it was your husband.
Now it's Frederick, the international bon vivant and playboy.
-And this? -My husband.
No.
Bowling ball.
Bonk, surprise! lt's Frederico Flintstoni.
lnternational racecar driver and playboy.
And tell me, Mrs.
Flintstone, who is this? -That's Cary Granite.
-But who's he talking to? My husband.
Wouldn't it be safe to say, that your husband, for a time after so many concussions, perhaps thought he was a mob boss but really wasn't? -lt's possible, yes.
-Nothing further.
Who do you want me to whack? Just pick, l'll whack them.
How about that guy over there with the socks? l'm still talking to you.
Sorry, l'm just gonna look away.
But if it was the guy with the socks, that'd be good, wouldn't it? He looks quick.
l would like to call to the stand the pterodactyl lamp.
You're a lamp, correct? -lt's a living.
-But that's not all, is it? You were playing another role, were you not? Double-billed, as it were.
l was a tap, placed there by the government.
Tell us some of the things you witnessed.
Well, there was the stolen piano he brought home for the wife the counterfeiting scheme Rubble had in his basement the floating crap game, the white slavery.
The guy's a pig, a Neanderthal.
You're dead to me, can opener! l can't understand this.
l'm just a regular working guy.
-What do you do? -Building materials stone, gravel, cement, that kind of thing.
Hello? Now, your wife.
Your wife thinks you're into organized crime with the money and jewels and the beautiful stone furniture.
My wife, what's she know? She knows nothing about the business.
Nothing! All right, l think that-- She's supposed to be in the kitchen all day.
-You see shoes on her? No! -That's fine.
What's a wife know about the things we men do? -Nothing further.
-Enough with the wife.
Giving me agita.
Come on, stop it.
Sore throat, l called it.
Yes! Mind taking! Stick with the kid, baby.
Mr.
Spyro, go ahead, if you please.
There he is.
Come here, you.
Wow! That's a man-kiss.
You done good.
The boss è molto felice.
Just don't screw up.
Wonder what that means.
Gleep juice.
Or is this gloop? -The boss? -Yeah.
No.
We resolved that.
Fred's not the boss.
You're right, he's not.
He is.
-Who are you? -l told you.
l'm Fron Fernstone.
Botanist and-- Who are you? Ferd Flintlock, rodeo rider-- l'm Anne Heche.
-Wilma, honey, what's going on? -Dada ! Hello? English