Heathers (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Hot Probs
1 - - ["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING.]
- - This is one of my favorite spaces in the White House.
We call it the colonnade.
I filled it with beautiful art that holds special meaning to my husband and me.
This is where I first met the President.
And this is a bust of Miss Heather Chandler of Sherwood, Ohio.
It reminds me of the first time I watched my husband attempt a murder.
And this is Butcher's Bridge, the very spot where I knew for the first time that I truly loved the President.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
It's also the very spot where the President betrayed me and then lied about it.
As a role model, I have a duty to set an example to women all across our great nation.
So they know that lies and betrayal of any kind are unacceptable.
- [SNAPS.]
- [DRAMATIC STING.]
[MUFFLED GROANING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[GROANING CONTINUES.]
And can never happen again.
[INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you Oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang Oh! [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
- [THUNDER CRACKING.]
- [BELL DINGS.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
"Dear diary, "so the doctors told me they can only keep JD "against his will in what's called a mental hold for three days, and it had to be for a good reason.
" He blew up his car.
A Porsche.
- Damn.
- He's the craziest one in here.
[LAUGHS.]
"So, I guess JD has three days "to make up for what he did.
"Three days to learn how to be a proper boyfriend.
" Good morning, sunshine.
[PHOTRONIQUE'S "IT'S SHOWTIME".]
And we're doing a-one, two, three, noose.
One, two, three, razor blade.
One, two, three, drink poison.
And splits.
And bang! Shoot yourself.
Epic.
Heather, play your cards right and you can end up in my shoes one day.
Uh, excuse me? I won't do splits.
All great dance numbers end with splits, Heather.
I just don't think Sue E.
Cyde would do them.
It feels unmotivated.
She's about to kill herself, Heather.
Of course splits are motivated.
Or is it because our actress can't do them? [GASPS.]
Heather, do you know who's coming to our preview? Amita.
Amita and her massive social media footprint.
I know who Amita is, Heather.
Then you know that one post to her 600,000 followers takes me and my campaign to end suicide to the next level.
And you know that with Amita coming, we have all the more reason for our lead to do splits.
Maybe we need a new choreographer, hm? Someone who gets art.
Oh.
Or maybe we need a new actress.
Bang.
[ALL GASPING.]
Heather, using a gun in school is a very serious issue.
Who is Heather? Me.
I don't understand.
We need to expel her.
Is that your preferred pronoun? For old people, my preferred pronoun is "don't talk to me.
" Now, why is his name Heather? Why would his parents name him Heather? I thought we were supposed to say "they.
" You know, I find "they" to be very confusing.
Whatever it is, we need to expel them.
Them? There are two now? No, we're talking about her.
You just said "them.
" Well, we mean him.
Don't call him "him.
" Can you believe her? I thought we weren't supposed to say "her.
" I meant her, not them.
Well, who is "them," then? For crying out loud, what is going on here? We expelled Lizzy for bringing a gun to school, - Maurice.
- Okay, Lizzy was poor.
We didn't know what she was capable of.
Let's be honest.
Them's not hurting anyone.
Heather does have the face of an angel.
I guess you're right.
I've never heard of a redhead committing a crime.
- Mm.
- But we need to send a message.
And I have just the punishment for zim.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- Who is Zim? What the hell did he do? [TENSE MUSIC.]
What is this? "Westerburg Considered," Westerburg's balanced and thoughtful news program.
- Eww.
- You've never seen it? Our show airs every morning during first period.
Obviously I've never been here that early.
Heather, I want you to bring your formidable entertainment skills to the table and help these young men turn "Westerburg Considered" into a hit.
Or get expelled and run the risk of having to come back here another year.
Why does it smell like SPF 1,000? Oh, hello, Heather.
[SCOFFS.]
They're making me do journalism, Heather.
Like, the boring kind for ugly people.
Maybe you could talk to them, say it wasn't a big deal? But it was a big deal, Heather.
You threatened me.
I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to feel safe again here at Westerburg.
Can you not be a total teratoma for once and just help me? Actually, I don't think I can.
- [SIGHS.]
- I would for a real friend.
But [SCOFFS.]
you tried to make a play for my throne before my body was even cold.
You were dead.
You left me.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
You know, I always knew you'd come crawling back like the seasonal Halloween store employee you are.
- Okay.
- Your ambition, again, outstrips your skills, Heather.
Proximity to power is really the most someone like you can ever ask for, and if I have to take that away so you learn your lesson, then so be it.
Eww.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
Father, I need your advice.
I know you always taught me to be number one.
And, of course, in most areas of my life I am.
I'm the richest.
I'm the hottest.
I have the alabaster skin of a cursed prince.
But at school, I'm still second fiddle.
Because of her.
Heather.
Obviously, I know the real reason she won't let me rise up to my rightful place is because she's deeply jealous of me.
Just like Mom, I guess.
Witch.
You think I would be happy she fell down the staircase just like your first wife did.
And I am.
It's almost as if I psychologically only feel comfortable when a strong, overbearing woman with questionably garish style lords over my every whim.
So, I ask you Dad what should I do about Heather Chandler? What's that, Dad? Systematically destroy her and everything she holds dear by any means necessary, just like you did with Mom? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Dad.
"Dear diary, "in order to move forward as a couple, "JD has a lot more to learn.
Like how to communicate.
" [DARK MUSIC.]
Are you sure you want me to read your diary? No, I mean you should read it.
They're your words.
"I know I made a mistake, Veronica, and I know I can never actually make it up to you.
" But that's why I'm here, JD.
I'm telling you that you can at least try.
"But I don't deserve you, Veronica.
"I cheated on you.
"You were hopelessly devoted, "and I threw all of that away on just one stupid kiss with Betty Finn.
" That's true.
[SIGHS.]
But I'm a forgiving person.
That's so good of you, Veronica.
And hey I'll get there.
I will.
It's just your crime was so big So hurtful that I couldn't let you go to jail for attacking Betty.
The punishment just wouldn't fit the crime.
For you to truly atone you need me.
[EXHALES.]
As judge, jury, and executioner.
[GASPS.]
I'm a good kid.
[SIGHS.]
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I'm a good person.
- You're not.
- I am! You're not, you're not, you're not - Shut up.
- You're not, you're not, - [SINGSONG.]
you're not.
- Shut up! [WHACK.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[BODY THUDS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Nurse, help.
She's she's trying to kill me.
She did this to me, okay? She put me here.
She wants me in one place so she can murder me.
Please, help me.
The new ones always do this.
He'll calm down in a few hours.
She's evil.
God! She's going to kill me.
God, you have to help me.
Please? No.
No! Somebody help me.
No! Stop! Stop.
[GRUNTS.]
You calm down.
This little blonde girl here's not gonna kill anyone.
He'll get better.
Just takes some time.
- [LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- And the blue bins are for glass and cans, as well, or just cans? You can actually put both in the blue bins, Seth.
Fascinating, Driffany.
And that's because non-carbon-based pla "Westerburg Considered.
" [TENSE MUSIC.]
[POSTER CRASHES.]
No one is watching your little news show.
Recycling, blah, blah.
SAT prep, blah, blah.
Suicide prevention, blah-freaking-blah.
Where are my high-speed chases? Where are my dead white girls? I mean, none of your news anchors are even yelling at the viewers with seething hatred.
Well, the intended purpose of "Westerburg Considered" is to inform the student body.
Inform? I'm already dead from boredom.
I'm floating above myself.
I'm looking down on my body.
My jawline looks great.
The purpose of the media isn't to inform, Peter.
It's to destroy.
[PENCIL CLATTERS.]
- But shouldn't we - Kyle.
Heather Duke is talking.
So here is more the vibe we'll be going for.
- - And we're supposed to believe you simply ran away for two years? That you weren't abducted by a wayward trucker? That you weren't held against your will and made to perform indecent sex acts in a taxidermy shed? That you weren't tossed, gasping for life, off the balcony of a cruise ship by an illegal immigrant? I honestly was just in Portland.
Pbbbbbhhh.
Well, it's Stockholm Syndrome, baby girl.
Help me, help me, help me, dear viewers, help this girl find the sick, twisted, and demented individual who did this to her.
And you're in my prayers.
And in my unborn's prayers.
Next up a wealthy suburb in Ohio is rocked by suicide.
- - Could this be related to the murder of a little girl years ago? We'll find out next time on "Lexi Anne.
" That is news.
Now, everyone knows the best way to ratings gold is to think of a Bundt cake-looking cow named Heather Chandler who's wronged you and use your platform to bring that heifer down.
Westerburg, our days are numbered.
We're killing ourselves left and right.
The ocean is filled with flaming polar bear carcasses, and none of you will ever have jobs.
Hi, welcome to "Hellscape with Heather Duke.
" Now, let's get to some hot takes before we die.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hot take: human fish bones spinning around a garbage disposal [ECHOING, DISTORTING.]
Betty Finn was sent to military school.
Why does she hate our troops? Not sure.
Why don't you ask her? Next hot take: global warming is a problem.
And yet Trailer Parker is spending how much energy rolling around in her space wheelchair? Not sure.
Next time you see her, ask her why she hates the rain forest.
Spoiler: it's because she's poor.
Blind item: guess which one of Ohio's biggest influencers is coming to judge Heather C.
in her musical? Amita, Amita, Amita.
Number one: she was the first person to vacation to Iceland.
Number two: she's never been in a car.
Number three: her favorite color is clear.
Will she hate Heather's performance, thus destroying her at Westerburg? I'll never tell.
Now it's time for "Westerburg Expo-o-o-osed.
" Kyle, is it? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Tell me, who do you want to expose? - Peter Dawson.
- [GASPS.]
- [ALL GASPING.]
- I'm listening.
He masturbates in the library.
Every afternoon.
Right in Biography.
Sometimes in Life Sciences.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sounds like a case of the gooey decimal system to me.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
Join us tomorrow.
Or don't, if you're dead.
As we say here on "Hellscape," everyone is wrong but you.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[PRINCESS NOKIA'S "TOMBOY".]
Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy With my little titties and my phat belly I could take your man if you finna let me It's a guarantee that he won't forget me My body little my soul is heavy My little titties be booking cities All around the world they be fucking with me I'm a Calvin Klein model come and get me Step the resy up don't be fucking with me "Dear diary, I believe in JD.
"I believe he can change.
"I believe he can be the boyfriend "I know he's capable of being.
"All he needs is some guidance, "some instruction.
"And I am happy to provide that for him.
" [DARK MUSIC.]
"My precious Veronica, "I am so incredibly sorry "I didn't go with you to Heather McNamara's funeral.
"I owed it to you to be there to support you.
"I messed up.
I was wrong.
And it will never happen again.
" [LIGHT MUSIC.]
I'll be there in a minute, lemmings.
Ever since I was small Always followed the herd No matter where it leads I was willing To be Lured Mother always said Do as you're told Better get in line Or be left In the cold But what about my books? What about my dreams? What about the boy I love Who's much more than he seems? What if we ran away To a Parisian café? There sipping tea Just him and me They say oh Charlotte There you go again With your flights of fancy No Charlotte You must join us all Your dreams They don't matter So let's go splatter Should I play it safe And stay here on my own? Oh it doesn't matter if you're right If you're right and all alone So I must leap But am I a sheep? No I'm a lemming Lemmings have to leap Lemmings have to die Time to kiss the sky Good-bye Good Bye Good-bye [DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CRYING.]
[EXHALES.]
[LAUGHING.]
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
Lemmings.
Lemmings, come on.
Hey, come on, go.
Go, go, go, go.
Oh, my God.
You'll never make it.
You'll never make it.
Amita, honey.
[LAUGHS.]
- Amita! - Oh.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Amita.
Oh.
Is that a [SCOFFS.]
So, what did you think? It was intense.
You really think so? I've never seen anything like it.
- We died.
- We're dead.
That last song? Wow.
Just wow.
Was that when she came out and screamed for three minutes? I feel like there was a lot of moisture in the room.
It's it's a very physical performance.
Yeah, it looked like you were trying really hard.
It's amazing how breathlessly proud of your body you were/are.
Well, I think it's really important to set a precedent for body positivity at all times.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
I love how I look.
Well, good luck with that.
You love how you look? It's funny.
At Westerburg, people think you're a queen.
They fear you.
They love you.
They want to be you.
But I know the truth.
And I know that it's all an act.
You're a lie, Heather.
You're a joke.
You're a housewife singing karaoke on a girls' night.
Strip away all the bells and whistles, what's left? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Just a fat girl with money.
Oh, sorry.
You love your body.
You accept yourself.
So, prove it.
Hmm? [RETCHING.]
[COUGHING, VOMITING.]
[GASPING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING, BUMPING.]
Heather? I'm so sorry.
I don't want to bug you, but I just had to say that was wonderful.
I mean, you were wonderful.
[STAMMERING.]
I know my opinion probably doesn't mean anything, but that last song, I just related to it so much.
I just know you're gonna be on Broadway one day.
Grow up, Trailer Parker.
[DARK MUSIC.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Blind item: what boisterous bitch's Broadway bid went bust? Spoiler alert: it's Heather Chandler.
[LAUGHTER.]
"Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It" was dragged to hell and back by everyone who matters.
Let's pour some gasoline on this Dumpster fire, shall we? - [LAUGHING.]
- This one's my favorite.
Her star is falling faster than a stack of bricks.
But wait, there's more? [POUTS.]
Time for hot takes.
My hot take: Heather's show wasn't just bad.
It was E-V-I-L EVIL.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
This eagle-eyed reporter spotted some occult imagery in some of the sets.
Art or witchcraft? [EERIE MUSIC.]
I just hope the administration does the right thing and shuts down the musical.
I don't want Satanism in my school.
Do you? [STUDENTS MURMURING.]
All I know is that Heather Chandler is over.
Aah! Stupid! Freaking! [SCREAMING GIBBERISH.]
Aah! [PANTING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [CLANG.]
"Dear diary, "one of the most important parts of a relationship is getting along with the parents.
" Dry rub chicken, chicken-fried chicken Oh, poor thing.
Well look at you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Aren't you just the world's best girlfriend, sitting here all night keeping JD company? Bud is just so thankful.
Bud! You know how men are with emotions.
- Stiff upper lip.
- Mm.
Plus, I don't think he'll ever get over what JD did to that Porsche.
That was expensive.
Ooh, I like that.
That's cute.
I wish I could wear that shade.
- Oh.
- Bud! Veronica here has been caring for your son all damn night.
I think the least you could do is say hello.
Hello, Veronica.
Aren't we gonna thank her for watching after JD? Thank you, Veronica.
Men, I swear.
Is it really that hard to say thank you? It's like pulling panties off a pig.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
No, go.
Go say hi to your son.
[SOFTLY.]
You're an embarrassment, just like your mother.
Thanks for all your help, Veronica.
I think JD's got a winner in this girl right here.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Let's go.
Bye.
[DARK MUSIC.]
"JD is so close to being the perfect boyfriend, diary.
"Clearly, his father and the idiot he's dating "absolutely love me.
"But something still doesn't feel quite right.
"Well, he has 24 hours to figure it out.
I hope for his sake he does.
" Expelled? I'm sorry, Heather, but the recommended punishment for attempted murder is expulsion.
Have fun being homeschooled, Heather.
- What - I'm sure that if I just talked to Mrs.
Duke, we could come to an understanding.
Where is your mother, Heather? Um probably in hell.
Yeah, but your stepmother is on her way, right, Heather? [SLEIGH BELLS' "CROWN ON THE GROUND".]
[NO AUDIO.]
You never doubted it You're so proud of it You straight shouted it There's no doubt of it You couldn't care less You love goodness You think it's endless endless endless Ah Is someone eating beef jerky? [MOODY FINGER SNAPS.]
Young lady, this is a private meeting.
I don't know what kind of school you're running here, Ms.
Fleming, but it certainly doesn't seem appropriate to bring in an actual streetwalker to teach the children about the dangers of the sex working industry.
Streetwalker? I got this at the good mall.
We really do need to cover up in a learning environment.
Let me tell you a story, lady.
When I first started stripping down at the Grab Bag, I kept an eye out for the high-rollers: men with visible gold, fresh socks.
Then one day this nerd walks in, and I gave him the same look you're giving me now.
But then, in the midst of my routine, when everyone else was tossing out 1s and 5s, this guy held up his phone and showed me the biggest bank account balance I had ever seen.
That man was your father.
[SIGHS.]
So, ma'am [CHUCKLES.]
When you judge by appearances, you might just overlook the hero who changes your life.
I don't understand.
Bitch, I was coming in here to take your side.
I hate this undead Rue McClanahan here.
What? I didn't even do anything.
You dare to cast judgment on me? My poor, unfortunate stepson/daughter is never gonna feel safe until Heather is gone from Westerburg.
What if we take Heather's car away? - Uh - How much would it take for you to agree to that? [SIGHS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Wow.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
My dignity is only worth 20 bucks? - Mm.
- [POUTS.]
Mm.
Okay.
Well, looks like we've come to an agreement.
[SCOFFS.]
And how am I supposed to get to school? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Oh [SHIRLEY BASSEY'S "SEND IN THE CLOWNS".]
Isn't it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground And you in mid-air Send in the clowns Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve? One who keeps tearing around One who can't move Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns I peed.
I don't want to do this, JD.
I don't want to hurt you.
But you've left me with no choice.
[DARK MUSIC.]
You have always looked at me as an accessory, an accomplice.
But is that really what you want in a girlfriend? Just your dutiful First Lady? Seen but not heard? Other guys like that bullshit, but I was so sure that you weren't like other guys.
And yet I don't even know that you respect me.
Because if you did, why would you lie about Betty, JD? Why would you lie to an equal? Why? Answer me.
I said answer me! Why would you throw that vase, JD? What? You just threw that vase.
You you went crazy.
I-I'm really scared, JD.
You're right.
I messed up.
I lied because I'm weak and I don't deserve you.
But I'll never do it again, because, Veronica, I love you so deeply and completely.
You're lying to me.
I'm not.
My darling.
Shut up.
But why, Veronica? I love you.
You still don't get it.
You're not even close.
I hope you like this little room.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Because you're never seeing the outside of it.
You love me.
You think I'm amazing.
You want to be me.
Mm.
Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
- [KEYS CLACK.]
- Known as the fastest predator on the savannah, the cheetah corners its quarry.
- BOTH: Run, you dumb baby bunny.
- The cheetahs work together to corner the prey and take him down.
Soon, the rest of the pack will arrive.
[SIGHS.]
[NATURE NARRATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
- [SOLEMN MUSIC.]
- [SIGHS.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
I ran into Betty's mom at the grocery store today.
Oh? She said they sent Betty away.
To military school.
Betty? Why? She always seemed like such a good kid.
Well, she didn't say why.
Maybe she's been acting out lately.
Mm.
[THUNDER CRACKS.]
Do you think it's because of ? - Where is she? - In her room.
- Because of what happened? - Anne, we only have a year till she's out of the house.
I don't want to rock the boat.
- But, Kevin, we need to talk - No, just drop it.
We have our safety to think about, too.
[LIGHTNING CRASHES.]
Oh.
"Dear diary, well, there you have it.
"I have the perfect boyfriend "with all the perfect things, "like flowers and dinners and listening.
"And I hate it.
"I hate it because it's a lie.
"And the one thing I thought I had with JD was the truth.
"Pure, honest, nothing-held-back truth.
But that was a lie, too.
" [TENSE MUSIC.]
"So, now I have no choice but to do this.
" [THUNDER CRACKING.]
Three days are up.
You're free to go.
[SIGHS.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
No, no.
Veronica.
I loved you.
Of course, I was coming here to kill you, but that was only because I loved you.
Suicide was for them, not for us.
Not not for you.
There's never gonna be another girl like you.
You were the only girl like you.
And you're right.
I didn't see that.
I didn't see the girl that you were.
But that girl, she was even more amazing than I could have ever imagined.
I mean, she was even more sick and twisted than I could ever hope to be.
You blew up my car.
You had me committed.
And I loved that.
I loved you, Veronica Sawyer.
And I'm never gonna love anybody again.
[LADYTRON'S "DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH".]
Oh, damn.
Don't do anything you're gonna regret.
The only thing that I want to do is kiss you.
Destroy everything you touch Today Destroy me This way Anything that may desert you So it cannot hurt you Destroy everything you touch Today Destroy me This way
- - This is one of my favorite spaces in the White House.
We call it the colonnade.
I filled it with beautiful art that holds special meaning to my husband and me.
This is where I first met the President.
And this is a bust of Miss Heather Chandler of Sherwood, Ohio.
It reminds me of the first time I watched my husband attempt a murder.
And this is Butcher's Bridge, the very spot where I knew for the first time that I truly loved the President.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
It's also the very spot where the President betrayed me and then lied about it.
As a role model, I have a duty to set an example to women all across our great nation.
So they know that lies and betrayal of any kind are unacceptable.
- [SNAPS.]
- [DRAMATIC STING.]
[MUFFLED GROANING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[GROANING CONTINUES.]
And can never happen again.
[INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you Oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang Oh! [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
- [THUNDER CRACKING.]
- [BELL DINGS.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
"Dear diary, "so the doctors told me they can only keep JD "against his will in what's called a mental hold for three days, and it had to be for a good reason.
" He blew up his car.
A Porsche.
- Damn.
- He's the craziest one in here.
[LAUGHS.]
"So, I guess JD has three days "to make up for what he did.
"Three days to learn how to be a proper boyfriend.
" Good morning, sunshine.
[PHOTRONIQUE'S "IT'S SHOWTIME".]
And we're doing a-one, two, three, noose.
One, two, three, razor blade.
One, two, three, drink poison.
And splits.
And bang! Shoot yourself.
Epic.
Heather, play your cards right and you can end up in my shoes one day.
Uh, excuse me? I won't do splits.
All great dance numbers end with splits, Heather.
I just don't think Sue E.
Cyde would do them.
It feels unmotivated.
She's about to kill herself, Heather.
Of course splits are motivated.
Or is it because our actress can't do them? [GASPS.]
Heather, do you know who's coming to our preview? Amita.
Amita and her massive social media footprint.
I know who Amita is, Heather.
Then you know that one post to her 600,000 followers takes me and my campaign to end suicide to the next level.
And you know that with Amita coming, we have all the more reason for our lead to do splits.
Maybe we need a new choreographer, hm? Someone who gets art.
Oh.
Or maybe we need a new actress.
Bang.
[ALL GASPING.]
Heather, using a gun in school is a very serious issue.
Who is Heather? Me.
I don't understand.
We need to expel her.
Is that your preferred pronoun? For old people, my preferred pronoun is "don't talk to me.
" Now, why is his name Heather? Why would his parents name him Heather? I thought we were supposed to say "they.
" You know, I find "they" to be very confusing.
Whatever it is, we need to expel them.
Them? There are two now? No, we're talking about her.
You just said "them.
" Well, we mean him.
Don't call him "him.
" Can you believe her? I thought we weren't supposed to say "her.
" I meant her, not them.
Well, who is "them," then? For crying out loud, what is going on here? We expelled Lizzy for bringing a gun to school, - Maurice.
- Okay, Lizzy was poor.
We didn't know what she was capable of.
Let's be honest.
Them's not hurting anyone.
Heather does have the face of an angel.
I guess you're right.
I've never heard of a redhead committing a crime.
- Mm.
- But we need to send a message.
And I have just the punishment for zim.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- Who is Zim? What the hell did he do? [TENSE MUSIC.]
What is this? "Westerburg Considered," Westerburg's balanced and thoughtful news program.
- Eww.
- You've never seen it? Our show airs every morning during first period.
Obviously I've never been here that early.
Heather, I want you to bring your formidable entertainment skills to the table and help these young men turn "Westerburg Considered" into a hit.
Or get expelled and run the risk of having to come back here another year.
Why does it smell like SPF 1,000? Oh, hello, Heather.
[SCOFFS.]
They're making me do journalism, Heather.
Like, the boring kind for ugly people.
Maybe you could talk to them, say it wasn't a big deal? But it was a big deal, Heather.
You threatened me.
I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to feel safe again here at Westerburg.
Can you not be a total teratoma for once and just help me? Actually, I don't think I can.
- [SIGHS.]
- I would for a real friend.
But [SCOFFS.]
you tried to make a play for my throne before my body was even cold.
You were dead.
You left me.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
You know, I always knew you'd come crawling back like the seasonal Halloween store employee you are.
- Okay.
- Your ambition, again, outstrips your skills, Heather.
Proximity to power is really the most someone like you can ever ask for, and if I have to take that away so you learn your lesson, then so be it.
Eww.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
Father, I need your advice.
I know you always taught me to be number one.
And, of course, in most areas of my life I am.
I'm the richest.
I'm the hottest.
I have the alabaster skin of a cursed prince.
But at school, I'm still second fiddle.
Because of her.
Heather.
Obviously, I know the real reason she won't let me rise up to my rightful place is because she's deeply jealous of me.
Just like Mom, I guess.
Witch.
You think I would be happy she fell down the staircase just like your first wife did.
And I am.
It's almost as if I psychologically only feel comfortable when a strong, overbearing woman with questionably garish style lords over my every whim.
So, I ask you Dad what should I do about Heather Chandler? What's that, Dad? Systematically destroy her and everything she holds dear by any means necessary, just like you did with Mom? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Dad.
"Dear diary, "in order to move forward as a couple, "JD has a lot more to learn.
Like how to communicate.
" [DARK MUSIC.]
Are you sure you want me to read your diary? No, I mean you should read it.
They're your words.
"I know I made a mistake, Veronica, and I know I can never actually make it up to you.
" But that's why I'm here, JD.
I'm telling you that you can at least try.
"But I don't deserve you, Veronica.
"I cheated on you.
"You were hopelessly devoted, "and I threw all of that away on just one stupid kiss with Betty Finn.
" That's true.
[SIGHS.]
But I'm a forgiving person.
That's so good of you, Veronica.
And hey I'll get there.
I will.
It's just your crime was so big So hurtful that I couldn't let you go to jail for attacking Betty.
The punishment just wouldn't fit the crime.
For you to truly atone you need me.
[EXHALES.]
As judge, jury, and executioner.
[GASPS.]
I'm a good kid.
[SIGHS.]
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I'm a good person.
- You're not.
- I am! You're not, you're not, you're not - Shut up.
- You're not, you're not, - [SINGSONG.]
you're not.
- Shut up! [WHACK.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[BODY THUDS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Nurse, help.
She's she's trying to kill me.
She did this to me, okay? She put me here.
She wants me in one place so she can murder me.
Please, help me.
The new ones always do this.
He'll calm down in a few hours.
She's evil.
God! She's going to kill me.
God, you have to help me.
Please? No.
No! Somebody help me.
No! Stop! Stop.
[GRUNTS.]
You calm down.
This little blonde girl here's not gonna kill anyone.
He'll get better.
Just takes some time.
- [LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING.]
- And the blue bins are for glass and cans, as well, or just cans? You can actually put both in the blue bins, Seth.
Fascinating, Driffany.
And that's because non-carbon-based pla "Westerburg Considered.
" [TENSE MUSIC.]
[POSTER CRASHES.]
No one is watching your little news show.
Recycling, blah, blah.
SAT prep, blah, blah.
Suicide prevention, blah-freaking-blah.
Where are my high-speed chases? Where are my dead white girls? I mean, none of your news anchors are even yelling at the viewers with seething hatred.
Well, the intended purpose of "Westerburg Considered" is to inform the student body.
Inform? I'm already dead from boredom.
I'm floating above myself.
I'm looking down on my body.
My jawline looks great.
The purpose of the media isn't to inform, Peter.
It's to destroy.
[PENCIL CLATTERS.]
- But shouldn't we - Kyle.
Heather Duke is talking.
So here is more the vibe we'll be going for.
- - And we're supposed to believe you simply ran away for two years? That you weren't abducted by a wayward trucker? That you weren't held against your will and made to perform indecent sex acts in a taxidermy shed? That you weren't tossed, gasping for life, off the balcony of a cruise ship by an illegal immigrant? I honestly was just in Portland.
Pbbbbbhhh.
Well, it's Stockholm Syndrome, baby girl.
Help me, help me, help me, dear viewers, help this girl find the sick, twisted, and demented individual who did this to her.
And you're in my prayers.
And in my unborn's prayers.
Next up a wealthy suburb in Ohio is rocked by suicide.
- - Could this be related to the murder of a little girl years ago? We'll find out next time on "Lexi Anne.
" That is news.
Now, everyone knows the best way to ratings gold is to think of a Bundt cake-looking cow named Heather Chandler who's wronged you and use your platform to bring that heifer down.
Westerburg, our days are numbered.
We're killing ourselves left and right.
The ocean is filled with flaming polar bear carcasses, and none of you will ever have jobs.
Hi, welcome to "Hellscape with Heather Duke.
" Now, let's get to some hot takes before we die.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hot take: human fish bones spinning around a garbage disposal [ECHOING, DISTORTING.]
Betty Finn was sent to military school.
Why does she hate our troops? Not sure.
Why don't you ask her? Next hot take: global warming is a problem.
And yet Trailer Parker is spending how much energy rolling around in her space wheelchair? Not sure.
Next time you see her, ask her why she hates the rain forest.
Spoiler: it's because she's poor.
Blind item: guess which one of Ohio's biggest influencers is coming to judge Heather C.
in her musical? Amita, Amita, Amita.
Number one: she was the first person to vacation to Iceland.
Number two: she's never been in a car.
Number three: her favorite color is clear.
Will she hate Heather's performance, thus destroying her at Westerburg? I'll never tell.
Now it's time for "Westerburg Expo-o-o-osed.
" Kyle, is it? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Tell me, who do you want to expose? - Peter Dawson.
- [GASPS.]
- [ALL GASPING.]
- I'm listening.
He masturbates in the library.
Every afternoon.
Right in Biography.
Sometimes in Life Sciences.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sounds like a case of the gooey decimal system to me.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
Join us tomorrow.
Or don't, if you're dead.
As we say here on "Hellscape," everyone is wrong but you.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[PRINCESS NOKIA'S "TOMBOY".]
Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy Who that is, hoe? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy that girl is a tomboy With my little titties and my phat belly I could take your man if you finna let me It's a guarantee that he won't forget me My body little my soul is heavy My little titties be booking cities All around the world they be fucking with me I'm a Calvin Klein model come and get me Step the resy up don't be fucking with me "Dear diary, I believe in JD.
"I believe he can change.
"I believe he can be the boyfriend "I know he's capable of being.
"All he needs is some guidance, "some instruction.
"And I am happy to provide that for him.
" [DARK MUSIC.]
"My precious Veronica, "I am so incredibly sorry "I didn't go with you to Heather McNamara's funeral.
"I owed it to you to be there to support you.
"I messed up.
I was wrong.
And it will never happen again.
" [LIGHT MUSIC.]
I'll be there in a minute, lemmings.
Ever since I was small Always followed the herd No matter where it leads I was willing To be Lured Mother always said Do as you're told Better get in line Or be left In the cold But what about my books? What about my dreams? What about the boy I love Who's much more than he seems? What if we ran away To a Parisian café? There sipping tea Just him and me They say oh Charlotte There you go again With your flights of fancy No Charlotte You must join us all Your dreams They don't matter So let's go splatter Should I play it safe And stay here on my own? Oh it doesn't matter if you're right If you're right and all alone So I must leap But am I a sheep? No I'm a lemming Lemmings have to leap Lemmings have to die Time to kiss the sky Good-bye Good Bye Good-bye [DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CRYING.]
[EXHALES.]
[LAUGHING.]
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
Lemmings.
Lemmings, come on.
Hey, come on, go.
Go, go, go, go.
Oh, my God.
You'll never make it.
You'll never make it.
Amita, honey.
[LAUGHS.]
- Amita! - Oh.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Amita.
Oh.
Is that a [SCOFFS.]
So, what did you think? It was intense.
You really think so? I've never seen anything like it.
- We died.
- We're dead.
That last song? Wow.
Just wow.
Was that when she came out and screamed for three minutes? I feel like there was a lot of moisture in the room.
It's it's a very physical performance.
Yeah, it looked like you were trying really hard.
It's amazing how breathlessly proud of your body you were/are.
Well, I think it's really important to set a precedent for body positivity at all times.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
I love how I look.
Well, good luck with that.
You love how you look? It's funny.
At Westerburg, people think you're a queen.
They fear you.
They love you.
They want to be you.
But I know the truth.
And I know that it's all an act.
You're a lie, Heather.
You're a joke.
You're a housewife singing karaoke on a girls' night.
Strip away all the bells and whistles, what's left? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Just a fat girl with money.
Oh, sorry.
You love your body.
You accept yourself.
So, prove it.
Hmm? [RETCHING.]
[COUGHING, VOMITING.]
[GASPING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING, BUMPING.]
Heather? I'm so sorry.
I don't want to bug you, but I just had to say that was wonderful.
I mean, you were wonderful.
[STAMMERING.]
I know my opinion probably doesn't mean anything, but that last song, I just related to it so much.
I just know you're gonna be on Broadway one day.
Grow up, Trailer Parker.
[DARK MUSIC.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Blind item: what boisterous bitch's Broadway bid went bust? Spoiler alert: it's Heather Chandler.
[LAUGHTER.]
"Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It" was dragged to hell and back by everyone who matters.
Let's pour some gasoline on this Dumpster fire, shall we? - [LAUGHING.]
- This one's my favorite.
Her star is falling faster than a stack of bricks.
But wait, there's more? [POUTS.]
Time for hot takes.
My hot take: Heather's show wasn't just bad.
It was E-V-I-L EVIL.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
This eagle-eyed reporter spotted some occult imagery in some of the sets.
Art or witchcraft? [EERIE MUSIC.]
I just hope the administration does the right thing and shuts down the musical.
I don't want Satanism in my school.
Do you? [STUDENTS MURMURING.]
All I know is that Heather Chandler is over.
Aah! Stupid! Freaking! [SCREAMING GIBBERISH.]
Aah! [PANTING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [CLANG.]
"Dear diary, "one of the most important parts of a relationship is getting along with the parents.
" Dry rub chicken, chicken-fried chicken Oh, poor thing.
Well look at you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Aren't you just the world's best girlfriend, sitting here all night keeping JD company? Bud is just so thankful.
Bud! You know how men are with emotions.
- Stiff upper lip.
- Mm.
Plus, I don't think he'll ever get over what JD did to that Porsche.
That was expensive.
Ooh, I like that.
That's cute.
I wish I could wear that shade.
- Oh.
- Bud! Veronica here has been caring for your son all damn night.
I think the least you could do is say hello.
Hello, Veronica.
Aren't we gonna thank her for watching after JD? Thank you, Veronica.
Men, I swear.
Is it really that hard to say thank you? It's like pulling panties off a pig.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
No, go.
Go say hi to your son.
[SOFTLY.]
You're an embarrassment, just like your mother.
Thanks for all your help, Veronica.
I think JD's got a winner in this girl right here.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Let's go.
Bye.
[DARK MUSIC.]
"JD is so close to being the perfect boyfriend, diary.
"Clearly, his father and the idiot he's dating "absolutely love me.
"But something still doesn't feel quite right.
"Well, he has 24 hours to figure it out.
I hope for his sake he does.
" Expelled? I'm sorry, Heather, but the recommended punishment for attempted murder is expulsion.
Have fun being homeschooled, Heather.
- What - I'm sure that if I just talked to Mrs.
Duke, we could come to an understanding.
Where is your mother, Heather? Um probably in hell.
Yeah, but your stepmother is on her way, right, Heather? [SLEIGH BELLS' "CROWN ON THE GROUND".]
[NO AUDIO.]
You never doubted it You're so proud of it You straight shouted it There's no doubt of it You couldn't care less You love goodness You think it's endless endless endless Ah Is someone eating beef jerky? [MOODY FINGER SNAPS.]
Young lady, this is a private meeting.
I don't know what kind of school you're running here, Ms.
Fleming, but it certainly doesn't seem appropriate to bring in an actual streetwalker to teach the children about the dangers of the sex working industry.
Streetwalker? I got this at the good mall.
We really do need to cover up in a learning environment.
Let me tell you a story, lady.
When I first started stripping down at the Grab Bag, I kept an eye out for the high-rollers: men with visible gold, fresh socks.
Then one day this nerd walks in, and I gave him the same look you're giving me now.
But then, in the midst of my routine, when everyone else was tossing out 1s and 5s, this guy held up his phone and showed me the biggest bank account balance I had ever seen.
That man was your father.
[SIGHS.]
So, ma'am [CHUCKLES.]
When you judge by appearances, you might just overlook the hero who changes your life.
I don't understand.
Bitch, I was coming in here to take your side.
I hate this undead Rue McClanahan here.
What? I didn't even do anything.
You dare to cast judgment on me? My poor, unfortunate stepson/daughter is never gonna feel safe until Heather is gone from Westerburg.
What if we take Heather's car away? - Uh - How much would it take for you to agree to that? [SIGHS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Wow.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
My dignity is only worth 20 bucks? - Mm.
- [POUTS.]
Mm.
Okay.
Well, looks like we've come to an agreement.
[SCOFFS.]
And how am I supposed to get to school? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Oh [SHIRLEY BASSEY'S "SEND IN THE CLOWNS".]
Isn't it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground And you in mid-air Send in the clowns Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve? One who keeps tearing around One who can't move Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns I peed.
I don't want to do this, JD.
I don't want to hurt you.
But you've left me with no choice.
[DARK MUSIC.]
You have always looked at me as an accessory, an accomplice.
But is that really what you want in a girlfriend? Just your dutiful First Lady? Seen but not heard? Other guys like that bullshit, but I was so sure that you weren't like other guys.
And yet I don't even know that you respect me.
Because if you did, why would you lie about Betty, JD? Why would you lie to an equal? Why? Answer me.
I said answer me! Why would you throw that vase, JD? What? You just threw that vase.
You you went crazy.
I-I'm really scared, JD.
You're right.
I messed up.
I lied because I'm weak and I don't deserve you.
But I'll never do it again, because, Veronica, I love you so deeply and completely.
You're lying to me.
I'm not.
My darling.
Shut up.
But why, Veronica? I love you.
You still don't get it.
You're not even close.
I hope you like this little room.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Because you're never seeing the outside of it.
You love me.
You think I'm amazing.
You want to be me.
Mm.
Okay.
[SCOFFS.]
- [KEYS CLACK.]
- Known as the fastest predator on the savannah, the cheetah corners its quarry.
- BOTH: Run, you dumb baby bunny.
- The cheetahs work together to corner the prey and take him down.
Soon, the rest of the pack will arrive.
[SIGHS.]
[NATURE NARRATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
- [SOLEMN MUSIC.]
- [SIGHS.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
I ran into Betty's mom at the grocery store today.
Oh? She said they sent Betty away.
To military school.
Betty? Why? She always seemed like such a good kid.
Well, she didn't say why.
Maybe she's been acting out lately.
Mm.
[THUNDER CRACKS.]
Do you think it's because of ? - Where is she? - In her room.
- Because of what happened? - Anne, we only have a year till she's out of the house.
I don't want to rock the boat.
- But, Kevin, we need to talk - No, just drop it.
We have our safety to think about, too.
[LIGHTNING CRASHES.]
Oh.
"Dear diary, well, there you have it.
"I have the perfect boyfriend "with all the perfect things, "like flowers and dinners and listening.
"And I hate it.
"I hate it because it's a lie.
"And the one thing I thought I had with JD was the truth.
"Pure, honest, nothing-held-back truth.
But that was a lie, too.
" [TENSE MUSIC.]
"So, now I have no choice but to do this.
" [THUNDER CRACKING.]
Three days are up.
You're free to go.
[SIGHS.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
No, no.
Veronica.
I loved you.
Of course, I was coming here to kill you, but that was only because I loved you.
Suicide was for them, not for us.
Not not for you.
There's never gonna be another girl like you.
You were the only girl like you.
And you're right.
I didn't see that.
I didn't see the girl that you were.
But that girl, she was even more amazing than I could have ever imagined.
I mean, she was even more sick and twisted than I could ever hope to be.
You blew up my car.
You had me committed.
And I loved that.
I loved you, Veronica Sawyer.
And I'm never gonna love anybody again.
[LADYTRON'S "DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH".]
Oh, damn.
Don't do anything you're gonna regret.
The only thing that I want to do is kiss you.
Destroy everything you touch Today Destroy me This way Anything that may desert you So it cannot hurt you Destroy everything you touch Today Destroy me This way