Hetty Wainthropp Investigates (1996) s01e06 Episode Script
Safe as Houses
[Siren.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Horn honks.]
[Baby crying.]
A job?! Part-time.
3 days a week collecting trolleys.
The detective business doesn't pay, Hetty.
We've been eating into my redundancy money.
Something had to be done.
You can give it up the moment we can afford it.
I'm not having a husband of mine going out to work! Your job's here! She'll take him.
Come on.
Sit in the back.
Good boy.
Yep, I've got him.
[Baby crying.]
[Engine starts.]
Come on, boy.
Let's get you home, shall we? Mrs.
baynes? Label attached? She always writes a label.
Right.
Thank you kindly.
I'll take him in.
[Baby cries.]
You're all right, yes.
[Honks horn.]
Hetty: Yes.
I'll be there.
Rely on me.
Chrissie hedges, age 16, been in care since she was 2 1/2.
5 foster placements, 6 children's homes, 4, maybe 5 suicide attempts.
Real ones? Oh, you can tell the difference then, watching the blood spurt out-- so they know they're there.
Proof of existence.
It's the girls mostly.
Boys have other ways.
You know a lot about it.
Kids from a children's home used to come to our school.
It's depression, you see, and low self-esteem.
They've been in care so long.
Not so much a death-wish, more of a life-wish.
Wish for a different life.
Yeah.
So, she leaves her young baby hidden among the crisp packets at the railway station and legs it to God-knows-where.
[Whistle.]
Am I not coming with you then? Not this one.
Not today.
You need me.
This is our first job for For a long time.
And maybe we won't get it.
But it's beyond Bolton.
We can't afford your fare, Jeffrey.
One of the few advantages of reaching my age is the bus pass.
I'll hold the fort then.
You hold the fort.
The phone may ring again.
Oh, one small thing you could do for me But only if you find your board, is peel a few potatoes ready for tonight.
Come on.
Good morning.
Hetty Wainthropp, private investigator.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.
Quick! Inside! Oh! One evil eye from that window over there and you'll wither on the spot.
We've got one of those where I live.
A private detective.
Ha.
I don't believe it.
I suppose I should have brought a recommendation from the chief constable of lancashire.
Fetch me the magna carta signed by Barry manilow, and you still couldn't detect a gas leak with a blowtorch.
Then why did you phone me, wasting my time and money? You were the cheapest.
We're doing a special rate at the moment.
Course you are.
You'd have to, wouldn't you? [Plays piano.]
I've got an apple in here.
Why does the cow wear 4 legs? why, oh, why, oh, why? my hat! If you're a detective, tell me who I am? Alice endersby.
I's was.
Alice baynes now.
[Both laughing.]
Oh, I might have known! You never could get the words right.
Play! Why has a cow got 4 legs? I must find out somehow both: you don't know and I don't know and neither does the cow what do the initials "s" and "m" mean to you? Sausage and mash? Why? Is there room service? Hetty: Oh! Ho, ho! [Laughing.]
Hetty ponselby, a.
K.
A.
Little miss chuckles chinchilla.
[Laughing.]
All that wriggling about in fur and fishnet tights! And that squeaky voice you put on when you wrinkled your nose to giggle.
Oh, I had the devil in me in those days.
Oh, still have, by the look of it.
I saw your picture in the local paper.
They used the wrong profile.
"Super-gran sleuth.
" All right.
Showed 'em what to do with an old woman dead on the stairs.
I cut it out and kept it.
Then when I needed a bloodhound myself, I remembered chuckles chinchilla.
[Laughing.]
Man: It's nothing untoward really, you know.
Just adds to the excitement.
[Baby cries.]
Hetty: It must be quite a challenge being a foster mother.
When did you start? When we knew we couldn't have any of our own.
After Jim died, I just kept on.
Would you like to change him while I do his bottle? Well, uh It's like riding a bicycle.
You never forget.
Ha ha ha ha.
Now the social services seem to take a delight in me sending me the difficult cases like chrissie.
Total cost of damage by age 13: £16,864.
The precise way they total it up.
They must know it will make the kids competitive.
She reckons the best year of her life was the one she spent in a secure unit when she were 9.
Knew who she was, what she was.
Didn't have to think about it.
Rest of her life has been spent either on the run or being returned.
Was she pregnant when she came to you? Mmm.
5 months.
We knitted and shopped and planned.
First I thought the baby would be the making of her.
She was too heavy to run before she had him, too tired after.
But now she knows perfectly well that your besotted with him.
As far as she's concerned You've got two foster children, so she can come and go as she pleases.
Right.
You're not such a bad detective after all.
Hey, he saves up his wee-wee until you start changing him, so watch his line of fire.
Ha ha ha ha ha! You want me to find her? No, she always comes back.
That's not the problem.
Watch out! Rawhide! Oh, yes! Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, oh, I love you.
Yes! Oh.
Sting me, hurt me, hurt me! Oh, yes, yes! Oh, oh, oh! [Moaning.]
[Door closes.]
Alice: I wanted the Paul Newman film, but I set the damn thing wrong as usual, and got the local news.
That's the problem.
That's your chrissie? That's the fire at Preston last week.
What's chrissie doing there? Watching.
Why? People do.
That year she spent in the secure unit was for setting fire to a school.
There have been two house fires in the northwest within two weeks, both started deliberately.
But nobody hurt.
They were all away on holiday.
And both times Chrissie was doing one of her roamers.
Man: Somebody help me please! Help! What do you want me to do? Prove she didn't do it.
You can't prove a negative.
You can if you find the person who did do it.
And if chrissie did it? Alice? I can't shop her.
I'm the only person she trusts.
If I shop her, then she's nobody.
If I find out she setting fire to house, I'll shop her.
Next time there might be somebody home.
That's your decision.
You're taking a risk.
[Lock opening.]
There's a perfectly simple explanation to all of this, I assure you.
Man: Where are you going? Anywhere.
I could try to find out where she goes and what she gets up to when she runs away.
Well, it's a start.
A lost children's home is 10 minutes away.
She still has a few friends there.
I'll get you the address.
I hope you don't mind me asking I couldn't help noticing That hair is not your own, is it? [Giggles.]
So Cooking isn't throwing in a bit of this Boy: If you do find out, wouldn't it be smashing? I'm told she won't let on who the father is.
No, she won't.
Is that because of this child-support what's-it, making the father pay, or she because she slept around so much she doesn't know who he is herself? She knows.
She just won't share.
And you want to share.
You won't tell anyone, will you? She won't let anyone share Fred But she keeps keeps dumping him and running away.
Why? Well When they first put you into care, you're nothing.
So, you have no respect for anything right.
Maybe.
swallow up your whole food budget for the week.
You will now remember that there are alternatives to mince.
Thank you.
He's all yours, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
Get him to write down cooking terms and ingredients.
He'll never guess at prices.
Right.
See you.
See you.
When you're free after years in a place like this, it's a bit of a shock.
You get into everything Drink, drugs, shoplifting, quick fixes.
They take us into care because we've been deprived of love or money.
And then they wonder why we end up in the game.
[Rock music playing.]
Announcer: News flash for all would-be sherlocks.
Someone's setting the northwest alight-- it's official.
Police are now convinced that house fires in Preston and Bolton were deliberate though seemingly motiveless arson attacks almost certainly by the same person.
The insurance companies concerned have combined to offer a reward of £15,000 for information leading to an arrest.
[Music resumes.]
Woman: A week? I hardly ever use it these days, but even so.
All right, Jeff, a week.
And a full tank and a clean plug this time please when you bring it back.
Two helmets, I suppose, as usual.
One will do this time, thanks.
Put it on.
Let's have a look at you.
What, now? Well, I'm not making an appointment of you.
Yes.
That should do nicely.
Many's the time I've turned from 3 c's blackboard to glimpse you ducking behind Deirdre Turner's hairdo, and thought, "one day, that boy will have his moment center stage.
" If you'll be kind enough to stand in this hole with just your head protruding while I snap at you with my faithful instamatic.
I was going to get down there myself.
But you and that helmet wearing your famous "please help me 'cause I'm only small" expression is a much better idea for the "record's" funny photo competition.
This is to be my year for winning, Jeffrey.
I'm relying on you.
Does chrissie know who her mother is? No.
She gets notions.
Someone out of her past who's been kind to her.
No real reason.
But chrissie will track it down.
Hang about till she's been rejected, then give up, then start all over with someone else.
Does her foster mother know? Mrs.
baynes? No.
I think she's a bit caught up, I mean, she's more than a usual foster mother.
Fred's special for her.
Chrissie don't talk about it, just runs off and comes back.
Now we turn bits of meat over.
But you know.
Yeah.
What would she do if she found her mother? Ask questions and hope to believe the answers.
Stock in, please, with vegetables.
And you swear on little Fred's dimples that you have no idea where chrissie is right now.
Casserole cover on And into oven.
Better call it "Wainthropp's winter warmer" since it was supposed to be grandmother's secret recipe.
Total cost: £1.
50.
Not that you'd even bother to do it for one when you could always buy a bag of chips.
Well, I've certainly learned a lot today.
[Grunting.]
[Shutter clicking.]
I'm not sure that amount of panic is more humorous than a straight face, Jeffrey.
You haven't asked me why I'm here yet.
I could have the name of a mass murderer in my pocket.
If you'd shrunk the miscreant and given him house room in your handbag, I'd still find it hard to summon up surprise.
These fires, this arson You want the times they were reported and by whom, names of next-door neighbors, addresses of nearest relatives, and any other information the police are prepared to give.
How did you-- let's just say I may bring a charge of wasting police time against radio northwest for all the d.
I.
Y.
Detectives they've sent round here asking questions that could easily have been answered by 10 minutes with the last week's local papers at the reference library.
It's closed.
It was open when local radio told the listening public about the reward, and it around here in a Bobby.
So, what kept you? I've come straight from a client.
Nobody told me about any rewards.
Straight from a client? And you want to know about these fires With no hope of a reward? I don't know what you're on about.
Then what is the connection, Mrs.
Wainthropp, between your client and these fires? None, I hope.
But if my investigation is to be blocked by petty officialdom, and the fact that you're manhandling me, then we may never know.
And the name of this client? I said I wasn't after a reward.
Not that I'm about to throw in my job and fee.
You know damn well I'm not the sort of woman to sit on fires.
If what I find is a criminal offense, then you'll be told, and quickly, too! What do you want? If there's another fire, I want to know at once and where.
I want to be there.
I want to be sure that somebody in particular isn't hanging about watching.
And if somebody is hanging about watching? Client confidentiality stops.
There's her phone number.
As soon as we know, she knows.
A member of the public? She's an extraordinary woman.
Not exactly miss marple, but a Mind like a steel trap.
More like a plate of pilchers.
You think you've finished with it, but somehow it persists.
Oh.
[Man snoring.]
Hetty: I'd do that.
It's only shirts.
I don't mean the ironing.
Oh, my need is greater.
If you've taken over the laundry as you fancy, there's a pair of long Johns soaking in a bucket in the kitchen.
I've done the stairs as well.
Well, we've got the case.
Don't suppose it will make us rich though.
Have you been listening to local radio by any chance? On the bus? These fires There's a reward.
I know about the reward.
We're gonna need that scooter.
Do you think your friend will let us have it for a few days? Well, funny you should say that, Mrs.
Wainthropp, just by chance, I have actually borrowed it for the entire week.
While you were stuck here looking after the phone? The only problem is There's only one helmet.
Are you telling me You always said I should use my initiative.
Hell's bells and little fishes.
I've only to turn my back for 10 minutes and Robert's at the dubonnet, and you've started taking on cases of your own.
Oh! Oh! It's probably doing him good.
Getting out and about and making new and exciting friendships.
Mmm! Are the staff allowed discounts at that place do you know? [Sirens.]
[Telephone rings.]
[Ringing.]
Wainthropp detective agency.
Huh? Who? Oh, right.
Police.
Woman: Stilettos they were.
Well, I don't sleep, you see.
So, when I hear this "tippy tap, tippy tap," going up the front path next door and then a little at the letter box, I thought, "I better go and have a look see.
" Now, you can only see the front door of number 27 from the spare room.
And I could hear them still at it again, tippy tap, tippy tap down the path and into the streets.
So, I scurries to the spare room.
I looked out the window, and--whoosh! Up goes the front door in a sheet of flame! Man: Come on, move back.
Move! What are we looking for? Not broken stiletto heels, I can tell you that much.
Who in their right mind would wear high heels to go starting fires? Oh! I'm looking to see where I'm going.
I think I may have trodden on something.
They walk their dogs on this estate.
You didn't see anyone like chrissie hedges back there, did you? No.
She wasn't there Thank goodness.
[Siren.]
I can give you food if you're hungry.
Hmm? I did those people an injustice.
It's not dogs, it's plastic.
It's all shriveled up and there's something written on it.
Interesting.
I can feel the little gray cells beginning to stir.
You want direction, Mrs.
Wainthropp? How were those other two fires started, and probably this one? Rags soaked in petrol.
And how would you carry rags soaked in petrol to the scene of the crime? Plastic carrier bag.
But plastic doesn't burn at once.
It shrivels up first, and bits of it could blow away and stick to somebody's shoe.
But that's forensic evidence, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
If we found anything, the police should have it.
And so they shall, but I've got my own job to do.
I've taken on a case in good faith, and there's the little matter of the reward, Geoffrey.
See if you can make out that writing.
Use Robert's specs as a magnifying glass.
"Family.
" Hey.
We're dealing with a maniac here.
"Family butcher.
" Burnley, I expect.
It's just a manner of speaking.
I don't think they ever do butcher families these days.
Not even in burnley.
Ready for breakfast? Man: Are you one of them amateur detectives? Just a few questions.
It's 50 pound for an interview, 15 if you take photos inside the house, and 10 for an eccles cake and a mug of tea in the back garden.
No credit cards.
Can you tell me where they went on holiday? 5.
It's only a fire, Mr.
nygate, not a mass murder.
If you've told the local press, I can find out for the price of a newspaper.
One, then.
One pound in me hand.
50p.
Done.
Tenerife.
Excuse me.
I'm doing a survey on the habits of the ribble valley meat eater.
I wonder if you can tell me, roughly, how many carrier bags you give away each week.
None.
They're 5p each.
How many do you sell, then? Oh, not many.
Folks don't like to pay for them, you see.
Are your bags ever stolen? Who'd steal a carrier bag when you get it from supermarket for free? I'll ask the questions.
You concentrate on the answers.
Can you remember how many bags you sold yesterday.
As between men and women? No.
Well, there have been more women.
Always are.
I'd like you to look at this picture.
No, don't get blood on it.
I'll hold it for you.
Have you seen a young woman like that come in recently? No.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Now, I'd like a bag, please.
5p, you said? I hope you don't mind me saying this, but speaking as an expert in market research, if you really want to sell those pork chops, you'd do better with all that fat cut off.
What's she want? Taking down a peg, in my opinion.
Met at Manchester airport by a man from the insurance, holding up a card with their names on.
"I'm sorry to say you're underinsured," he said.
"We can't pay out in full.
" "But where are we to live?" Says Muriel.
"Our house is all burned down.
"We should be accommodated "in a 4-star hotel while they rebuild.
" "It's not in the policy," he says.
And the upshot was, they've ended up on a trailer site outside padiham-- [brakes screeching.]
[Crash.]
[Horns honking.]
You're back early.
Ma'am, I got the sack.
What for? Oh, a bit of a misunderstanding with some trolleys.
There's plenty of tea in that pot.
[Exhales.]
I've been all round burnley.
Back streets, town center.
I don't know what good it's done.
None.
You can't know that.
Yes, I can.
Look, just take the supermarket.
There's recycling bins, and litter bins all over town.
If I wanted a carrier bag to burn down someone's house, I wouldn't use one of me own.
You're too logical sometimes.
It'll make you enemies.
That's as it may be, but I've found a piece of your Jigsaw.
You what? One of them couples whose house burnt down last week.
They're on a caravan site near padiham.
We'll finish our tea and have something to eat first.
[Laughter.]
[Man coughs.]
Hetty: You don't seem too upset at having your house burn down.
Man: It's only possessions, isn't it? You've really no idea who might have a grudge against you? No clue.
Not the Mitchells, you know.
They thought their clan might have something to do with this.
Well, they've got a loony nephew, you know, but he's doing time.
Yeah, and the Saunders wondered if theirs was political in any way.
Oh, well, they used to be on the local council.
Hetty: Are you saying you know these other people whose houses have burned? There's some connection? Of course we know them.
We all live in the same apartment block in tenerife.
Eureka.
Uh, excuse me, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
Before the little gray cells settle into their stride.
Do the police know about this connection between the 3 fires? Oh, yes.
We've told the police, who were very interested.
I mean, 3 fires in different parts of lancashire, and all of us in the same apartment block.
Well, it's hardly a coincidence.
[Fred fussing.]
Look, Fred.
Look what the police sent home.
You've been away two nights.
Who's counting? I am.
You've been with someone.
If you like.
Did he use anything? [Fussing.]
Did he use a rubber? What for? To rub out a mistake? They can do you for child abuse these days, mother hobbit.
[Fussing.]
Did she feed you? [Fussing.]
[Clears throat.]
It does seem quite clear, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
Apart from that piece of plastic, everything we've managed to find out, the police already know.
That plastic won't run, Hetty.
I told you.
All 3 in the same apartment block in tenerife.
We can't afford the airfare.
Let's not do this, since the bus to Bolton was a major stumbling block.
I have to say, Mrs.
Wainthropp, the agency went into this to prove-- was employed to prove A negative? And we've proved it.
If the answer's in tenerife, then chrissie can't have had anything to do with it.
It'd be dishonest To go on taking the client's money.
Very well.
I shall take this bit of plastic to the police station in the morning, then go to Alice baynes, tell her chrissie has got to be in the clear, and collect our fee.
Geoffrey will return the scooter.
Case closed.
[Door opens.]
[Door slams.]
[Fussing.]
You want to feed? I'll give him his bottle.
There's no need.
I'm back now.
I've got milk.
Your milk stays where it is until some tests have been done.
There's a hot bath for you upstairs.
More than your job's worth, eh? To let me feed Fred, but you don't know what I might have caught.
That's right.
Well, me and Fred aren't much of a job for someone with your talents.
Not for someone who doesn't like failure, no.
You know you're going to lose him, don't you? He's a child of the state, Mrs.
b.
A ward of court.
He was never really mine in the first place.
[Fred fussing.]
You found it at the scene of the fire, and you took it away.
Trod on it.
I didn't find it till we got home.
And you kept it for 24 hours.
You did not keep it under sterile conditions.
What sterile conditions? It had been in all the muck in the street.
Who else has touched it? My assistant Geoffrey.
He wanted me to hand the bit of plastic over to you.
I took the decision to keep it.
I may have acted rashly.
And, consequently, you have forfeited all cooperation.
I'm asking you now, officially, for the name of your client.
It's confidential, and, anyway, I'm now satisfied that my client had nothing to do with these fires.
Look, you know perfectly well the connection's somewhere in tenerife.
I know the fires weren't started in tenerife.
Are you refusing to assist me with my inquiries, Mrs.
Wainthropp? Very well.
Go now, please.
You and your potty little business exist on my sufferance.
Remember that.
[Piano playing.]
[Dial tone.]
[Beeping.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
It's my mother.
[Machine beeping.]
Hetty: Look at this.
Look.
Did you ever see anything so ridiculous? "Dunroamin" on a grave.
It's not at all funny, and in extremely bad taste.
Can I just see the photograph on the front page? What? That's not a bit like chrissie.
Is it even a her, I wonder.
Remember Percy higginbottom? With some reluctance.
We used to have to strike poses at the back of the stage while he pretended to be Gladys camiknickers or some such, doing that, uh, "over the garden wall" patter he pinched off the radio.
He stood just like that.
You're right.
Those knees don't belong to a woman.
Too many knobbly bits.
[Telephone rings.]
[Ring.]
Hello.
Alice baynes speaking.
[Singing indistinctly.]
Baynes: Yes, right.
Right.
Thank you.
[Hangs up telephone.]
She's been arrested.
Something to do with a credit card.
And for the fires.
You've made a mistake.
Using a stolen credit card to obtain goods for which she was not in a position to pay.
I don't deny that.
The girl who stole that credit card was wearing this wig and these clothes.
We have a positive identification.
She wasn't there! Can you prove that? Look closer at that photo.
Look at those knees.
It's blurred.
Taken by an amateur at night.
You wouldn't know those knees were knees except for their situation below the thighs and above the calves.
And your concert party comedian used to stand the same way.
And you're suggesting he started the fires.
Come along, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
What did I once try to teach you about cost effectiveness in police work? You won't do what you can't afford unless you're forced.
Right.
The first principle of police detective work is once you've settled on a suspect, don't waste time and money looking for reasons why that suspect should not have committed the crime.
All suspects are guilty until proved innocent, usually some years after they've been sent to prison, or, in earlier times, hanged.
I never know when you're serious.
I don't always know, myself, to tell you the truth.
They're trying to find a secure unit for me.
Well, you'll know where you are, then.
Yeah.
Are you sure you don't want to see Fred? [Indistinct voices in distance.]
I better start trying to forget him, haven't I? Not sure that's possible, is it? You really are an old bat on a broomstick when you want to be.
She's not guilty and I intend to prove it.
We'll need the scooter.
I took it back.
Then get it again.
The trouble is, miss apthwaite's not very pleased with me.
I didn't look enough like a tulip when the chips were down.
Don't prevaricate.
Look.
I'll show you.
It was the funny photos competition.
I wasn't funny enough.
See? That was the one that won, but it should've been me with me head poking out of the flower bed.
Miss apthwaite's very disappointed.
No time for funny photos.
We've a case still on the boil.
Dunroamin? That's the name of a house.
That's the name of the house that burned down last week.
And the dovecote.
That's the other.
Geoffrey: 74.
74 arbutiline Avenue.
The third house.
Hetty: "Ethel, dearly beloved wife of Stanley.
" I don't think we'll bother the police yet with this one.
OhCome on.
I just need the final confirmation before we risk all and go public.
These rags may be triple-wrapped, but I can still smell petrol.
I hate to think what would happen if we pass a heavy smoker.
Nothing venture, nothing win.
The tape recorder's pushing me breasts out of place.
There was a woman just opposite me on the bus looking at me very strange.
Come across.
Now, you want half a pound of skirt to be minced while you wait.
That'll give you time to chat him up while he's mincing.
[Click.]
Good.
And in case he looks like trying anything, I'll be right behind you.
Let us give thanks for small mercies.
Don't be cheeky.
One last word.
If you see you're penetrating his defenses, don't hesitate to use your initiative.
Now, off you go.
Chrissie? You know it's not.
What have I got here, Stanley? [Coughing.]
Got a match? Bit of lighted paper? Cigarette lighter, perhaps? [Rattling.]
Say something to me, Stanley Even if it's "good-bye.
" No! Hmm.
No? Shall I do another? [Sobbing.]
It's all right.
I wouldn't strike.
I wet them.
Is it your heart? Do you want pills? Was it your wife, Stanley? Was it because of Ethel that you did the fires? She had emphysema.
They said the air was dry in tenerife.
We spent our savings to buy a place out there, but we were cheated.
Those others live in our apartment now.
And Ethel Dead.
Wasn't ever in their apartment.
The firm that was building the block went bankrupt, and the new lot took over with no obligation to the people who put money down.
He lost his savings and had to take what job he could get.
Lucky to get anything these days.
And chrissie? There's no justice.
She won't be charged.
Even the stolen credit cards.
The man doesn't want the publicity.
All's well that ends well.
If you like.
Seems I owe you an apology.
You do.
Well, I'm offering it.
Well, I'm accepting it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Come up.
Come up.
[Piano playing slow tune.]
I'm burlington bertie I rise at 10:30 and saunter along like a top I walk down the strand with me gloves on me hand and I walk down again with them off I'm all airs and graces correct easy paces without food so long, I've forgot where me face is I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt though my people are well off, you know nearly everyone knows me from Smith to mount rosebree I'm burlington bertie from bow [applause.]
[New song begins.]
[Song ends.]
[Cheering.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Horn honks.]
[Baby crying.]
A job?! Part-time.
3 days a week collecting trolleys.
The detective business doesn't pay, Hetty.
We've been eating into my redundancy money.
Something had to be done.
You can give it up the moment we can afford it.
I'm not having a husband of mine going out to work! Your job's here! She'll take him.
Come on.
Sit in the back.
Good boy.
Yep, I've got him.
[Baby crying.]
[Engine starts.]
Come on, boy.
Let's get you home, shall we? Mrs.
baynes? Label attached? She always writes a label.
Right.
Thank you kindly.
I'll take him in.
[Baby cries.]
You're all right, yes.
[Honks horn.]
Hetty: Yes.
I'll be there.
Rely on me.
Chrissie hedges, age 16, been in care since she was 2 1/2.
5 foster placements, 6 children's homes, 4, maybe 5 suicide attempts.
Real ones? Oh, you can tell the difference then, watching the blood spurt out-- so they know they're there.
Proof of existence.
It's the girls mostly.
Boys have other ways.
You know a lot about it.
Kids from a children's home used to come to our school.
It's depression, you see, and low self-esteem.
They've been in care so long.
Not so much a death-wish, more of a life-wish.
Wish for a different life.
Yeah.
So, she leaves her young baby hidden among the crisp packets at the railway station and legs it to God-knows-where.
[Whistle.]
Am I not coming with you then? Not this one.
Not today.
You need me.
This is our first job for For a long time.
And maybe we won't get it.
But it's beyond Bolton.
We can't afford your fare, Jeffrey.
One of the few advantages of reaching my age is the bus pass.
I'll hold the fort then.
You hold the fort.
The phone may ring again.
Oh, one small thing you could do for me But only if you find your board, is peel a few potatoes ready for tonight.
Come on.
Good morning.
Hetty Wainthropp, private investigator.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.
Quick! Inside! Oh! One evil eye from that window over there and you'll wither on the spot.
We've got one of those where I live.
A private detective.
Ha.
I don't believe it.
I suppose I should have brought a recommendation from the chief constable of lancashire.
Fetch me the magna carta signed by Barry manilow, and you still couldn't detect a gas leak with a blowtorch.
Then why did you phone me, wasting my time and money? You were the cheapest.
We're doing a special rate at the moment.
Course you are.
You'd have to, wouldn't you? [Plays piano.]
I've got an apple in here.
Why does the cow wear 4 legs? why, oh, why, oh, why? my hat! If you're a detective, tell me who I am? Alice endersby.
I's was.
Alice baynes now.
[Both laughing.]
Oh, I might have known! You never could get the words right.
Play! Why has a cow got 4 legs? I must find out somehow both: you don't know and I don't know and neither does the cow what do the initials "s" and "m" mean to you? Sausage and mash? Why? Is there room service? Hetty: Oh! Ho, ho! [Laughing.]
Hetty ponselby, a.
K.
A.
Little miss chuckles chinchilla.
[Laughing.]
All that wriggling about in fur and fishnet tights! And that squeaky voice you put on when you wrinkled your nose to giggle.
Oh, I had the devil in me in those days.
Oh, still have, by the look of it.
I saw your picture in the local paper.
They used the wrong profile.
"Super-gran sleuth.
" All right.
Showed 'em what to do with an old woman dead on the stairs.
I cut it out and kept it.
Then when I needed a bloodhound myself, I remembered chuckles chinchilla.
[Laughing.]
Man: It's nothing untoward really, you know.
Just adds to the excitement.
[Baby cries.]
Hetty: It must be quite a challenge being a foster mother.
When did you start? When we knew we couldn't have any of our own.
After Jim died, I just kept on.
Would you like to change him while I do his bottle? Well, uh It's like riding a bicycle.
You never forget.
Ha ha ha ha.
Now the social services seem to take a delight in me sending me the difficult cases like chrissie.
Total cost of damage by age 13: £16,864.
The precise way they total it up.
They must know it will make the kids competitive.
She reckons the best year of her life was the one she spent in a secure unit when she were 9.
Knew who she was, what she was.
Didn't have to think about it.
Rest of her life has been spent either on the run or being returned.
Was she pregnant when she came to you? Mmm.
5 months.
We knitted and shopped and planned.
First I thought the baby would be the making of her.
She was too heavy to run before she had him, too tired after.
But now she knows perfectly well that your besotted with him.
As far as she's concerned You've got two foster children, so she can come and go as she pleases.
Right.
You're not such a bad detective after all.
Hey, he saves up his wee-wee until you start changing him, so watch his line of fire.
Ha ha ha ha ha! You want me to find her? No, she always comes back.
That's not the problem.
Watch out! Rawhide! Oh, yes! Oh, that's the spirit.
Oh, oh, I love you.
Yes! Oh.
Sting me, hurt me, hurt me! Oh, yes, yes! Oh, oh, oh! [Moaning.]
[Door closes.]
Alice: I wanted the Paul Newman film, but I set the damn thing wrong as usual, and got the local news.
That's the problem.
That's your chrissie? That's the fire at Preston last week.
What's chrissie doing there? Watching.
Why? People do.
That year she spent in the secure unit was for setting fire to a school.
There have been two house fires in the northwest within two weeks, both started deliberately.
But nobody hurt.
They were all away on holiday.
And both times Chrissie was doing one of her roamers.
Man: Somebody help me please! Help! What do you want me to do? Prove she didn't do it.
You can't prove a negative.
You can if you find the person who did do it.
And if chrissie did it? Alice? I can't shop her.
I'm the only person she trusts.
If I shop her, then she's nobody.
If I find out she setting fire to house, I'll shop her.
Next time there might be somebody home.
That's your decision.
You're taking a risk.
[Lock opening.]
There's a perfectly simple explanation to all of this, I assure you.
Man: Where are you going? Anywhere.
I could try to find out where she goes and what she gets up to when she runs away.
Well, it's a start.
A lost children's home is 10 minutes away.
She still has a few friends there.
I'll get you the address.
I hope you don't mind me asking I couldn't help noticing That hair is not your own, is it? [Giggles.]
So Cooking isn't throwing in a bit of this Boy: If you do find out, wouldn't it be smashing? I'm told she won't let on who the father is.
No, she won't.
Is that because of this child-support what's-it, making the father pay, or she because she slept around so much she doesn't know who he is herself? She knows.
She just won't share.
And you want to share.
You won't tell anyone, will you? She won't let anyone share Fred But she keeps keeps dumping him and running away.
Why? Well When they first put you into care, you're nothing.
So, you have no respect for anything right.
Maybe.
swallow up your whole food budget for the week.
You will now remember that there are alternatives to mince.
Thank you.
He's all yours, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
Get him to write down cooking terms and ingredients.
He'll never guess at prices.
Right.
See you.
See you.
When you're free after years in a place like this, it's a bit of a shock.
You get into everything Drink, drugs, shoplifting, quick fixes.
They take us into care because we've been deprived of love or money.
And then they wonder why we end up in the game.
[Rock music playing.]
Announcer: News flash for all would-be sherlocks.
Someone's setting the northwest alight-- it's official.
Police are now convinced that house fires in Preston and Bolton were deliberate though seemingly motiveless arson attacks almost certainly by the same person.
The insurance companies concerned have combined to offer a reward of £15,000 for information leading to an arrest.
[Music resumes.]
Woman: A week? I hardly ever use it these days, but even so.
All right, Jeff, a week.
And a full tank and a clean plug this time please when you bring it back.
Two helmets, I suppose, as usual.
One will do this time, thanks.
Put it on.
Let's have a look at you.
What, now? Well, I'm not making an appointment of you.
Yes.
That should do nicely.
Many's the time I've turned from 3 c's blackboard to glimpse you ducking behind Deirdre Turner's hairdo, and thought, "one day, that boy will have his moment center stage.
" If you'll be kind enough to stand in this hole with just your head protruding while I snap at you with my faithful instamatic.
I was going to get down there myself.
But you and that helmet wearing your famous "please help me 'cause I'm only small" expression is a much better idea for the "record's" funny photo competition.
This is to be my year for winning, Jeffrey.
I'm relying on you.
Does chrissie know who her mother is? No.
She gets notions.
Someone out of her past who's been kind to her.
No real reason.
But chrissie will track it down.
Hang about till she's been rejected, then give up, then start all over with someone else.
Does her foster mother know? Mrs.
baynes? No.
I think she's a bit caught up, I mean, she's more than a usual foster mother.
Fred's special for her.
Chrissie don't talk about it, just runs off and comes back.
Now we turn bits of meat over.
But you know.
Yeah.
What would she do if she found her mother? Ask questions and hope to believe the answers.
Stock in, please, with vegetables.
And you swear on little Fred's dimples that you have no idea where chrissie is right now.
Casserole cover on And into oven.
Better call it "Wainthropp's winter warmer" since it was supposed to be grandmother's secret recipe.
Total cost: £1.
50.
Not that you'd even bother to do it for one when you could always buy a bag of chips.
Well, I've certainly learned a lot today.
[Grunting.]
[Shutter clicking.]
I'm not sure that amount of panic is more humorous than a straight face, Jeffrey.
You haven't asked me why I'm here yet.
I could have the name of a mass murderer in my pocket.
If you'd shrunk the miscreant and given him house room in your handbag, I'd still find it hard to summon up surprise.
These fires, this arson You want the times they were reported and by whom, names of next-door neighbors, addresses of nearest relatives, and any other information the police are prepared to give.
How did you-- let's just say I may bring a charge of wasting police time against radio northwest for all the d.
I.
Y.
Detectives they've sent round here asking questions that could easily have been answered by 10 minutes with the last week's local papers at the reference library.
It's closed.
It was open when local radio told the listening public about the reward, and it around here in a Bobby.
So, what kept you? I've come straight from a client.
Nobody told me about any rewards.
Straight from a client? And you want to know about these fires With no hope of a reward? I don't know what you're on about.
Then what is the connection, Mrs.
Wainthropp, between your client and these fires? None, I hope.
But if my investigation is to be blocked by petty officialdom, and the fact that you're manhandling me, then we may never know.
And the name of this client? I said I wasn't after a reward.
Not that I'm about to throw in my job and fee.
You know damn well I'm not the sort of woman to sit on fires.
If what I find is a criminal offense, then you'll be told, and quickly, too! What do you want? If there's another fire, I want to know at once and where.
I want to be there.
I want to be sure that somebody in particular isn't hanging about watching.
And if somebody is hanging about watching? Client confidentiality stops.
There's her phone number.
As soon as we know, she knows.
A member of the public? She's an extraordinary woman.
Not exactly miss marple, but a Mind like a steel trap.
More like a plate of pilchers.
You think you've finished with it, but somehow it persists.
Oh.
[Man snoring.]
Hetty: I'd do that.
It's only shirts.
I don't mean the ironing.
Oh, my need is greater.
If you've taken over the laundry as you fancy, there's a pair of long Johns soaking in a bucket in the kitchen.
I've done the stairs as well.
Well, we've got the case.
Don't suppose it will make us rich though.
Have you been listening to local radio by any chance? On the bus? These fires There's a reward.
I know about the reward.
We're gonna need that scooter.
Do you think your friend will let us have it for a few days? Well, funny you should say that, Mrs.
Wainthropp, just by chance, I have actually borrowed it for the entire week.
While you were stuck here looking after the phone? The only problem is There's only one helmet.
Are you telling me You always said I should use my initiative.
Hell's bells and little fishes.
I've only to turn my back for 10 minutes and Robert's at the dubonnet, and you've started taking on cases of your own.
Oh! Oh! It's probably doing him good.
Getting out and about and making new and exciting friendships.
Mmm! Are the staff allowed discounts at that place do you know? [Sirens.]
[Telephone rings.]
[Ringing.]
Wainthropp detective agency.
Huh? Who? Oh, right.
Police.
Woman: Stilettos they were.
Well, I don't sleep, you see.
So, when I hear this "tippy tap, tippy tap," going up the front path next door and then a little at the letter box, I thought, "I better go and have a look see.
" Now, you can only see the front door of number 27 from the spare room.
And I could hear them still at it again, tippy tap, tippy tap down the path and into the streets.
So, I scurries to the spare room.
I looked out the window, and--whoosh! Up goes the front door in a sheet of flame! Man: Come on, move back.
Move! What are we looking for? Not broken stiletto heels, I can tell you that much.
Who in their right mind would wear high heels to go starting fires? Oh! I'm looking to see where I'm going.
I think I may have trodden on something.
They walk their dogs on this estate.
You didn't see anyone like chrissie hedges back there, did you? No.
She wasn't there Thank goodness.
[Siren.]
I can give you food if you're hungry.
Hmm? I did those people an injustice.
It's not dogs, it's plastic.
It's all shriveled up and there's something written on it.
Interesting.
I can feel the little gray cells beginning to stir.
You want direction, Mrs.
Wainthropp? How were those other two fires started, and probably this one? Rags soaked in petrol.
And how would you carry rags soaked in petrol to the scene of the crime? Plastic carrier bag.
But plastic doesn't burn at once.
It shrivels up first, and bits of it could blow away and stick to somebody's shoe.
But that's forensic evidence, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
If we found anything, the police should have it.
And so they shall, but I've got my own job to do.
I've taken on a case in good faith, and there's the little matter of the reward, Geoffrey.
See if you can make out that writing.
Use Robert's specs as a magnifying glass.
"Family.
" Hey.
We're dealing with a maniac here.
"Family butcher.
" Burnley, I expect.
It's just a manner of speaking.
I don't think they ever do butcher families these days.
Not even in burnley.
Ready for breakfast? Man: Are you one of them amateur detectives? Just a few questions.
It's 50 pound for an interview, 15 if you take photos inside the house, and 10 for an eccles cake and a mug of tea in the back garden.
No credit cards.
Can you tell me where they went on holiday? 5.
It's only a fire, Mr.
nygate, not a mass murder.
If you've told the local press, I can find out for the price of a newspaper.
One, then.
One pound in me hand.
50p.
Done.
Tenerife.
Excuse me.
I'm doing a survey on the habits of the ribble valley meat eater.
I wonder if you can tell me, roughly, how many carrier bags you give away each week.
None.
They're 5p each.
How many do you sell, then? Oh, not many.
Folks don't like to pay for them, you see.
Are your bags ever stolen? Who'd steal a carrier bag when you get it from supermarket for free? I'll ask the questions.
You concentrate on the answers.
Can you remember how many bags you sold yesterday.
As between men and women? No.
Well, there have been more women.
Always are.
I'd like you to look at this picture.
No, don't get blood on it.
I'll hold it for you.
Have you seen a young woman like that come in recently? No.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Now, I'd like a bag, please.
5p, you said? I hope you don't mind me saying this, but speaking as an expert in market research, if you really want to sell those pork chops, you'd do better with all that fat cut off.
What's she want? Taking down a peg, in my opinion.
Met at Manchester airport by a man from the insurance, holding up a card with their names on.
"I'm sorry to say you're underinsured," he said.
"We can't pay out in full.
" "But where are we to live?" Says Muriel.
"Our house is all burned down.
"We should be accommodated "in a 4-star hotel while they rebuild.
" "It's not in the policy," he says.
And the upshot was, they've ended up on a trailer site outside padiham-- [brakes screeching.]
[Crash.]
[Horns honking.]
You're back early.
Ma'am, I got the sack.
What for? Oh, a bit of a misunderstanding with some trolleys.
There's plenty of tea in that pot.
[Exhales.]
I've been all round burnley.
Back streets, town center.
I don't know what good it's done.
None.
You can't know that.
Yes, I can.
Look, just take the supermarket.
There's recycling bins, and litter bins all over town.
If I wanted a carrier bag to burn down someone's house, I wouldn't use one of me own.
You're too logical sometimes.
It'll make you enemies.
That's as it may be, but I've found a piece of your Jigsaw.
You what? One of them couples whose house burnt down last week.
They're on a caravan site near padiham.
We'll finish our tea and have something to eat first.
[Laughter.]
[Man coughs.]
Hetty: You don't seem too upset at having your house burn down.
Man: It's only possessions, isn't it? You've really no idea who might have a grudge against you? No clue.
Not the Mitchells, you know.
They thought their clan might have something to do with this.
Well, they've got a loony nephew, you know, but he's doing time.
Yeah, and the Saunders wondered if theirs was political in any way.
Oh, well, they used to be on the local council.
Hetty: Are you saying you know these other people whose houses have burned? There's some connection? Of course we know them.
We all live in the same apartment block in tenerife.
Eureka.
Uh, excuse me, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
Before the little gray cells settle into their stride.
Do the police know about this connection between the 3 fires? Oh, yes.
We've told the police, who were very interested.
I mean, 3 fires in different parts of lancashire, and all of us in the same apartment block.
Well, it's hardly a coincidence.
[Fred fussing.]
Look, Fred.
Look what the police sent home.
You've been away two nights.
Who's counting? I am.
You've been with someone.
If you like.
Did he use anything? [Fussing.]
Did he use a rubber? What for? To rub out a mistake? They can do you for child abuse these days, mother hobbit.
[Fussing.]
Did she feed you? [Fussing.]
[Clears throat.]
It does seem quite clear, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
Apart from that piece of plastic, everything we've managed to find out, the police already know.
That plastic won't run, Hetty.
I told you.
All 3 in the same apartment block in tenerife.
We can't afford the airfare.
Let's not do this, since the bus to Bolton was a major stumbling block.
I have to say, Mrs.
Wainthropp, the agency went into this to prove-- was employed to prove A negative? And we've proved it.
If the answer's in tenerife, then chrissie can't have had anything to do with it.
It'd be dishonest To go on taking the client's money.
Very well.
I shall take this bit of plastic to the police station in the morning, then go to Alice baynes, tell her chrissie has got to be in the clear, and collect our fee.
Geoffrey will return the scooter.
Case closed.
[Door opens.]
[Door slams.]
[Fussing.]
You want to feed? I'll give him his bottle.
There's no need.
I'm back now.
I've got milk.
Your milk stays where it is until some tests have been done.
There's a hot bath for you upstairs.
More than your job's worth, eh? To let me feed Fred, but you don't know what I might have caught.
That's right.
Well, me and Fred aren't much of a job for someone with your talents.
Not for someone who doesn't like failure, no.
You know you're going to lose him, don't you? He's a child of the state, Mrs.
b.
A ward of court.
He was never really mine in the first place.
[Fred fussing.]
You found it at the scene of the fire, and you took it away.
Trod on it.
I didn't find it till we got home.
And you kept it for 24 hours.
You did not keep it under sterile conditions.
What sterile conditions? It had been in all the muck in the street.
Who else has touched it? My assistant Geoffrey.
He wanted me to hand the bit of plastic over to you.
I took the decision to keep it.
I may have acted rashly.
And, consequently, you have forfeited all cooperation.
I'm asking you now, officially, for the name of your client.
It's confidential, and, anyway, I'm now satisfied that my client had nothing to do with these fires.
Look, you know perfectly well the connection's somewhere in tenerife.
I know the fires weren't started in tenerife.
Are you refusing to assist me with my inquiries, Mrs.
Wainthropp? Very well.
Go now, please.
You and your potty little business exist on my sufferance.
Remember that.
[Piano playing.]
[Dial tone.]
[Beeping.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
It's my mother.
[Machine beeping.]
Hetty: Look at this.
Look.
Did you ever see anything so ridiculous? "Dunroamin" on a grave.
It's not at all funny, and in extremely bad taste.
Can I just see the photograph on the front page? What? That's not a bit like chrissie.
Is it even a her, I wonder.
Remember Percy higginbottom? With some reluctance.
We used to have to strike poses at the back of the stage while he pretended to be Gladys camiknickers or some such, doing that, uh, "over the garden wall" patter he pinched off the radio.
He stood just like that.
You're right.
Those knees don't belong to a woman.
Too many knobbly bits.
[Telephone rings.]
[Ring.]
Hello.
Alice baynes speaking.
[Singing indistinctly.]
Baynes: Yes, right.
Right.
Thank you.
[Hangs up telephone.]
She's been arrested.
Something to do with a credit card.
And for the fires.
You've made a mistake.
Using a stolen credit card to obtain goods for which she was not in a position to pay.
I don't deny that.
The girl who stole that credit card was wearing this wig and these clothes.
We have a positive identification.
She wasn't there! Can you prove that? Look closer at that photo.
Look at those knees.
It's blurred.
Taken by an amateur at night.
You wouldn't know those knees were knees except for their situation below the thighs and above the calves.
And your concert party comedian used to stand the same way.
And you're suggesting he started the fires.
Come along, Mrs.
Wainthropp.
What did I once try to teach you about cost effectiveness in police work? You won't do what you can't afford unless you're forced.
Right.
The first principle of police detective work is once you've settled on a suspect, don't waste time and money looking for reasons why that suspect should not have committed the crime.
All suspects are guilty until proved innocent, usually some years after they've been sent to prison, or, in earlier times, hanged.
I never know when you're serious.
I don't always know, myself, to tell you the truth.
They're trying to find a secure unit for me.
Well, you'll know where you are, then.
Yeah.
Are you sure you don't want to see Fred? [Indistinct voices in distance.]
I better start trying to forget him, haven't I? Not sure that's possible, is it? You really are an old bat on a broomstick when you want to be.
She's not guilty and I intend to prove it.
We'll need the scooter.
I took it back.
Then get it again.
The trouble is, miss apthwaite's not very pleased with me.
I didn't look enough like a tulip when the chips were down.
Don't prevaricate.
Look.
I'll show you.
It was the funny photos competition.
I wasn't funny enough.
See? That was the one that won, but it should've been me with me head poking out of the flower bed.
Miss apthwaite's very disappointed.
No time for funny photos.
We've a case still on the boil.
Dunroamin? That's the name of a house.
That's the name of the house that burned down last week.
And the dovecote.
That's the other.
Geoffrey: 74.
74 arbutiline Avenue.
The third house.
Hetty: "Ethel, dearly beloved wife of Stanley.
" I don't think we'll bother the police yet with this one.
OhCome on.
I just need the final confirmation before we risk all and go public.
These rags may be triple-wrapped, but I can still smell petrol.
I hate to think what would happen if we pass a heavy smoker.
Nothing venture, nothing win.
The tape recorder's pushing me breasts out of place.
There was a woman just opposite me on the bus looking at me very strange.
Come across.
Now, you want half a pound of skirt to be minced while you wait.
That'll give you time to chat him up while he's mincing.
[Click.]
Good.
And in case he looks like trying anything, I'll be right behind you.
Let us give thanks for small mercies.
Don't be cheeky.
One last word.
If you see you're penetrating his defenses, don't hesitate to use your initiative.
Now, off you go.
Chrissie? You know it's not.
What have I got here, Stanley? [Coughing.]
Got a match? Bit of lighted paper? Cigarette lighter, perhaps? [Rattling.]
Say something to me, Stanley Even if it's "good-bye.
" No! Hmm.
No? Shall I do another? [Sobbing.]
It's all right.
I wouldn't strike.
I wet them.
Is it your heart? Do you want pills? Was it your wife, Stanley? Was it because of Ethel that you did the fires? She had emphysema.
They said the air was dry in tenerife.
We spent our savings to buy a place out there, but we were cheated.
Those others live in our apartment now.
And Ethel Dead.
Wasn't ever in their apartment.
The firm that was building the block went bankrupt, and the new lot took over with no obligation to the people who put money down.
He lost his savings and had to take what job he could get.
Lucky to get anything these days.
And chrissie? There's no justice.
She won't be charged.
Even the stolen credit cards.
The man doesn't want the publicity.
All's well that ends well.
If you like.
Seems I owe you an apology.
You do.
Well, I'm offering it.
Well, I'm accepting it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Come up.
Come up.
[Piano playing slow tune.]
I'm burlington bertie I rise at 10:30 and saunter along like a top I walk down the strand with me gloves on me hand and I walk down again with them off I'm all airs and graces correct easy paces without food so long, I've forgot where me face is I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt though my people are well off, you know nearly everyone knows me from Smith to mount rosebree I'm burlington bertie from bow [applause.]
[New song begins.]
[Song ends.]
[Cheering.]