High Desert (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

[HEATHER GRUNTS]
- [YELLING] No, no, no, no. No. Hey!
- [HEATHER GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTS] No, no, no, no, no! [YELPS]
- [GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNTING, STRUGGLING]
I have a buyer! I'm telling
you, I have a fucking buyer!
Well, the luggage in the
hallway tells a different story.
[STUTTERS] Can I Can I be honest?
- [BOB GRUNTS]
- Please.
Two things can be true.
I can want to disappear,
and I can have a buyer. [GROANING]
[HEATHER STRUGGLES]
Here's what's true.
- [GRUNTS, STRAINING]
- I lead a stressful life,
there's a lot of moving parts.
And La Pastorale,
- well, it relieved some of that.
- [GRUNTS]
[ARMAN] Those naked ladies
reclining in a field,
it brought me joy because I was
connected to a fucking genius.
Oh, yeah. No, I get that.
- Totally. [GRUNTS]
- [ARMAN] Here's another truth:
- I was connecting to a knockoff
- [HEATHER PANTS]
painted by your
wife in her crafts room.
You robbed him of joy, you
fucker! [BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [GROANS, PANTS]
- [ARMAN] You humiliated me, Bob.
I showed that picture to people.
They're laughing at me now.
- I am so sorry. A-And I am fixing it.
- [HEATHER BREATHING HEAVILY]
[GRUNTS] No! No, no, not the nipple!
- No! No!
- [ARMAN] Okay, hold on. H-Hold on.
- Where's this buyer?
- [STUTTERS] Uh, Florence.
- No, please! Don't take the [CRIES]
- Heather, honey. Heather.
His name is Kachel. James
Kachel. [BREATHES HEAVILY]
And how did you come to find Mr. Kachel?
I He's an associate of Peggy's.
- Peggy?
- [BOB GROANS]
Who's Peggy?
Aah. [SIGHS] I'm late.
- I'm sorry, business. [SIGHS]
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
Well, he passed. So it's over.
He can't pass. We have a contract.
No, we don't.
Look, I was talking with
your mother about my play,
it all came about very naturally.
I just arranged this meeting
so that you would feel involved.
[INHALES SHARPLY] You
talked to my mother?
[BREATHING HEAVILY, SIGHS]
[WHISPERS] Hey. Psst.
Ta-da.
Is that a lady's finger?
Yeah, 'cause we're
looking for a missing lady.
We're also looking for 70K in
reward money, and this is it.
Okay. Don't point it at
me. Where did you get that?
Oh, Jesus. Peggy.
Judy chucked it up. [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Well, Judy might wanna go see a doctor.
Judy's a dog.
So, that's a dead lady's
finger in dog vomit?
[SIGHS] Fuck. This little mix
of bone and knuckle and fat
Okay. Let's not describe
it. Just put it in there.
It's gonna change our fucking lives.
It better.
["TRUE LOVE PART 2" PLAYING]
Turns out that I'm a natural.
[CHUCKLES] And an academic.
I'm top of my class at PI school.
- Really?
- [SIGHS]
Well, Dirk says you're always late,
and by the end of
class, you're slurring.
It's my Bell's palsy,
kicks in around noonish.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
- Ah, look. See?
Hey. I'm on a date.
I can't talk right now.
And yes, we will be having sex,
so don't call again till tomorrow.
No, no, no. No, no, no, wait!
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Anyway, the point is, I got
ya a contract at Pioneertown.
And I found the fucking finger
of Dona fucking Scarborough.
- O-Okay. You're right.
- [SIGHS]
But let's hold off on going
to the cops with the finger
because they'll grab
credit or bungle it.
Our next move is we're
gonna get the finger tested
for DNA, you understand?
- How long does that take?
- [STUTTERS] Two, three days.
The tricky part is getting
DNA from the family,
but I know somebody at Ancestry, so
Let's back up a minute here, okay?
Do you wanna thank me for any of this?
All right, look, I gotta say,
at the beginning I really
didn't expect much from you,
but the scope of this thing
could put us on the map.
I mean, it's [WHEEZING]
[SIGHS] Is this a medical condition?
[WHIMPERS]
Okay. I'm being a friend
right now. It's a turnoff.
[SNIFFS]
I can confirm it's her
finger in the morning.
- How?
- Don't worry about it.
I just need the nail.
And don't contaminate the finger.
I'm not separating the nail
from a dead, disgusting finger.
[PEOPLE IN NAIL SALON CHATTERING]
Where'd you get this?
I found it in my boyfriend's sheets.
I suspect there's a
third person in that bed.
Who's your boyfriend?
Let's just say he's a guru.
Who's my competition?
His wife. She was a regular.
He said she was out of the picture.
She is. She disappeared a year ago.
Were they in trouble?
She sat here for hours, no?
She must've told you
all kinds of weird shit.
I don't paint and tell.
Hey, I'm the victim here.
My boyfriend may be cheating.
I need to know if these bumps on
my leg are razor burns or scabies.
If he hasn't changed his
sheets in a year, mama
[DOOR CHIMES]
When bitches on Twitter say
I can't do makeup, I say,
"Um, then what's this
art?" Okay? All right.
So now we're gonna do the other eye,
- nice and Oh, God.
- [CLIENT 1] Oh, no.
- [ENTERTAINER 1] Oh, no.
- Nick, what's-her-name's here!
- [LIONEL RICHIE] Oh, no.
- [NICK] Two minutes.
Do you have a bathroom I
can use that won't kill me
or get me pregnant?
You can still get pregnant?
[SIGHS]
Gross.
[GROANS, GRUNTS]
[SIGHING]
[PEOPLE MOANING, GRUNTING]
- [ENTERTAINER 1] Oh, yeah. [MOANING]
- [GROANS] Oh, hey, what's up?
Jimmy Hoffa's family
- just signed on to the book. [GASPS]
- Oh, okay.
[PEGGY] They're breaking
their silence after 50 years.
So now Random House wants
to publish for Christmas.
- All right.
- [CHUCKLES] So the word on the street is
this will be a major stocking-stuffer,
which will lead to more TV
appearances and more money,
and most importantly,
get our loved ones back.
Unless they're dead,
which Hoffa definitely is.
[CHUCKLES] So, what do you want from me?
Oh, I'm just sharing the good
news and handing out lollipops
to participating families.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
We could talk about spa
tie-ins if you want. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, we don't advertise.
We're word of mouth.
- Understood. [SIGHS]
- [LIONEL RICHIE SQUAWKING]
So you like edibles, huh? [CHUCKLES]
- What? [SMACKS LIPS] No, no, I
- [LIONEL RICHIE CHIRPS]
Oh, sorry. Wrong one. So sorry. Here.
[LIONEL RICHIE] Oy vey.
[SIGHS] I'll be back when
the contracts are ready.
[LIONEL RICHIE CHIRPING, SQUAWKING]
- Can I have one?
- [DOOR CHIMES]
- Okay.
- [LIONEL RICHIE] Okay.
So, the finger's getting tested.
I have a guy who doesn't ask questions.
If someone gave me a finger, I'd
ask questions, but he doesn't, so
[STUTTERS] Ca Can you put those
down? Those are military grade.
Please. Peggy, can you put 'em down?
[STUTTERS] So he's backlogged,
which means it's gonna take a week.
No. Get a rush on it. Come
on. Can't we pay to get a rush?
The DNA on the lollipop is gonna
match what's left of the finger.
[SIGHS] By the way, I
think she died for her art.
- Whose art?
- Dona.
She painted stolen masterpieces.
Fabulous, by the way.
Dona Scarborough?
You didn't need to know until now,
but the guru sold a fake to
this father-daughter hit team,
and now Daddy and his
bruiser want their money back.
What bruiser?
Well, the daughter's like a linebacker.
[STUTTERS] Is the
bald bird part of this?
In a way, yes.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna lose my business.
Would you stop?
You're getting your business
back. Like, soon. Like, next week.
More like Friday if you order this rush.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
- [KNOCKING]
- [THROUGH DOOR] It's me. Open the door.
Ugh, we need a plan,
and I need a bathroom.
Think on that. [SIGHS]
[COOPER] Yo! Guys, come on.
[FRIEND CHUCKLES]
[BOTH FRIENDS GRUNTING, GIGGLING]
[FRIEND 2 CHUCKLING] Come on.
[CAROL] The plan is
habeas fucking corpus.
The corpus is being tested.
It was gonna take a week, but
[SIGHS] I got a
rush on it, 48 hours.
[CAROL] Okay, fine. We'll avoid
the guru till we got a positive ID,
then go straight to the
Gattchis and claim the reward.
Ugh, it's gonna be a pain
in the ass avoiding this guy.
- He calls me every second.
- Hmm.
Hold on. Surveillance pictures.
- Ooh.
- [CAROL] Mmm.
Ooh. Guilty.
[CAROL] Coop got some real cute shots.
And the kid's good with an iPhone, huh?
[PEGGY] Mmm, she may have a knack.
Okay. You're aces, thanks. [SIGHS]
[GRUNTS] I gotta go. I love you.
[PANTING]
[SIGHS]
Ooh. [SIGHS]
[PANTS]
[GROANS, WINCES]
[LINE RINGING]
[TREATMENT CENTER WORKER]
High Desert Treatment Center.
Hi, is Mary there? [SIGHS]
[TREATMENT CENTER WORKER] Uh,
no, I-I think it's Mary's day off.
[EXHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS]
I'll be right there.
- [DENNY EXHALES SHARPLY]
- [CHUNKY] Uh, good. Good.
Is it in slo-mo?
- Oh. [THROUGH PHONE] Yeah.
- Make sure we're filming it in slo-mo.
What the fuck is this?
What's he doing here?
- He gave me a ride.
- [DOG BARKS]
- I'm actually a good guy.
- [PEGGY SIGHS]
Oh, what's up, Judy?
- [SIGHS] Get him outta here.
- [DENNY] Peg, he's helping me
- build my business.
- [SIGHS]
I've got clientele already, okay?
And they're demanding content.
I've got an email list of men
who are looking for a safe place
to practice Qigong and shit.
What do you say?
- Is it cool if we use the dojo out back?
- No.
- Just to build a following.
- No.
- Maybe raise a little seed money.
- No.
- And crash there once in a while.
- No.
- I can't get an apartment.
- Nope.
Nobody allows dogs.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
Ah, that's great.
[PEGGY] But no Chunky.
And you're not allowed in the kitchen.
- [DENNY] Of course not.
- Or the bathroom.
Really?
Okay, yeah. There's a gas station
about ten minutes away. I can walk.
- This is great, babe. I mean, Peg.
- [SCOFFS] Ugh.
- So generous.
- [ENGINE REVVING]
Thanks, Peg!
[SIGHING] Hi. Peggy
Newman. What's your name?
Erin. I'm new. Bear with me.
Erin. I like that, that's Celtic.
Yeah, well, I get three milligrams
and I work my way up
to a week take home.
[SIGHS] We did the piss test last week.
That was a big step. It's
been a journey. [SIGHS]
Oh, well, congratulations.
- Thanks. [INHALES SHARPLY]
- I don't see that in the system, so
Oh, yeah, yeah. System always goes down.
- Hold up there.
- Mary. I thought it was your day off.
I'm doing a little paperwork.
You ready to take your urine
test? You're almost at your goal.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, shit. You know what?
I I just ate a poppy seed bagel.
I ate five, actually.
- I should've stopped at three
- Oh.
but since my mother
died, I've been using food.
I'm gonna get a false positive.
Peggy.
We're not gonna deny you, but we
can't give you the week's supply.
God. You gotta take, you know,
fucking monsoon season into account.
My fibromyalgia is going nuts.
It's Palm Springs. There
is no monsoon season.
Well, there's barometric pressure.
And there's pressure
pressure. I'm writing a play.
Plus, my new job, it's
really fucking dangerous.
[SIGHS] Sorry.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Fuck it.
[PEGGY] You seen Gill?
You seen Gill?
Gill got arrested.
Anyone taking over
his business interests?
His business interests.
The pills. You know, the ones
that make you crabby as fuck
if you can't get them.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
- Fuck.
I got some steaks if you want 'em.
No, I already got a deal with
Jesse over at Ruth's Chris.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
How about that joint? [CHUCKLES]
I'm trying to get the door and
the safe, but it's not very secure.
- [ECHOING] It's a little wobbly.
- Don't worry, it's fine.
[BRENDA GRUNTS]
Hello, Brenda.
[CHUCKLES] I'm trying
to be nice, Brenda.
- What did I do?
- [BRUCE] How do you freshen it up?
[SIGHS] A nod is not a hello.
It's a "fuck you" with your face.
- Is this about Roger?
- No, my worth isn't tied to a man.
I'm a private investigator now.
[PEGGY BREATHES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
[BRUCE] What are you doing?
I got a play to put on, plus
eight million other things.
That guru bastard keeps
calling me every five minutes.
My living situation is dicey, plus
I'm juggling, like, five suitors.
[SIGHS] It never ends.
I meant what are you
doing with the K-Cups?
Oh. The coffee sucks,
but I need the caffeine.
Yeah, well, I've been
tasked with stuff like this.
- Shit like disappearing K-Cups.
- Oh, good. People abuse it.
The cheating spouse [SIGHS]
she's cheating with
a girlfriend, by the way.
You owe me 13.95. I
printed that at Staples.
- I lost the receipt.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
- [GROANS] For fuck's sakes.
-
Can't we get a
super-express on that finger?
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]
Peggy.
Looks like you got a lot on
that beautiful mind of yours.
Ha. You say the same thing to Brenda?
We mostly just talk
about Star Wars. [SIGHS]
And owls.
[GRUNTS]
It's your mind I want.
N-Not in a mind control-y kind of way.
Speaking of which, how's
your boyfriend, the guru?
- I'm not going out with the guru, Roger.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
[PEGGY GROANS]
Well, I hope you're
happy, Peggy. [CHUCKLES]
[PEGGY] Happiness is a
process. It's a practice.
I'm on my path. That's
all I'm gonna say.
What's with the heavy artillery?
What's w-with it? [CHUCKLES] This
is what you promised my mother.
You told her something about
somebody being shot out of a cannon
for the President's Day Weekend show?
Uh, first of all, your mother
might not understand metaphors.
I said my play would be
shooting us out of a cannon.
And number two, I don't think
we'll be opening this week
[STAMMERING] No [CHUCKLES]
You will open by Friday.
- You will open by the 18th.
- What's with the 18th?
You're getting shot out
of this cannon, either way.
Not happening.
Wait a minute [SCOFFS]
The 18th is your mother's birthday.
That's what this is all about, isn't it?
No, this is about the
President's Day Weekend show.
Which happens to coincide
with your mother's birthday.
No, it's about patriotism.
And stealing business
from car lot sales events.
The cannon, the fanfare, the glitz.
It's all about winning
your mother's love.
- [OWEN SCOFFS, SIGHS]
- You have to read Electra, Owen.
It doesn't end well.
A cannon is going off
this weekend, Peggy!
And you are gonna be the cannonball.
There's no cannons in my play.
Plus, I have fibromyalgia.
Well, it's a part of the play now!
Ginger and I already wrote
the cannon into the play!
I beg your fucking pardon.
"'Twas my brother,
Rutherford, my own blood,
who taught me how to fight.
He was a saber "
Oh, Owen came up with a Civil War story.
I think it's very
strong. Listen to this.
So, Colonel Fanshawe turns to
me on the verandah and he says,
"Golly, Molly Perkins, I believe
the cannon is about to chime midnight."
It's rough.
Can I offer some constructive criticism?
- I hate it.
- [SIGHS]
That is not constructive,
and it's heavy on the criticism.
We open in two days.
Someone has to right this ship.
And I'll tell you this, no
one sits through two hours
of somebody working
out their mommy issues.
[CHUCKLES] Tell that
to William Shakespeare.
Tell it to Neil Simon.
[CHEWING] Oh, and by the way, I'm
recasting you with a woman of color.
To play your mother?
It has to be more like "Hamilton."
[GINGER] This is just
like you, to quit things.
[ECHOING] Remember you
quit the Girl Scouts
the week they had the cookie sale?
They had to buy back all your
boxes. You left them in the red.
Or the ice skating? You went once.
That tutu ended up right in the garbage.
You never cared that I quit things.
You said that the Girl Scouts
was a racket and a Ponzi scheme.
[CHUCKLES]
You were my best friend.
But you're not her.
You're the lady on the bus.
Take that bus home.
Because I changed the
lines? It It was a pitch!
You know what a pitch is.
[EXHALES]
[SIGHS] What do you want already?
[BOB] Uh, hey, it's me. It's Bob.
Seems like you're super busy.
I'm actually calling because the
hospital gave me a 60 count of Oxy.
And since it's clearly your thing,
I thought you might want them.
So, I'll just leave them
on my porch till tomorrow.
[SIGHS]
- [SCREAMS, STRUGGLES]
- [HEATHER STRUGGLES]
[GRUNTS] Okay, Brunhilda!
Can we take it down a notch?
I've got fibromyalgia! I
find violence very triggering.
Hey. Can't we just talk
without the bondage?
[ARMAN] Heather, get in
here. You gotta try this.
- [ARMAN] Come and taste this saffron.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
Uh, I just added a pinch. I used
almost no butter. Almost. [BLOWS]
- [PEGGY SIGHS]
- You are so full of shit!
I reverse Google-image-searched
that buyer you sent over.
He is a known criminal! So are you!
Of course, he's a criminal!
Who do you think buys stolen paintings?
- Nuns?
- Ha.
And I did zero jail time
'cause that was his crime.
Well, there's still a hell of a
lot of criminality surrounding you.
I do not like it one bit.
[PEGGY SCOFFS]
[CHUCKLES] You need me
to acknowledge the knife?
Okay, I see your knife.
Hey, I'm not a good
candidate. I have hemophilia.
You don't have hemophilia.
Yeah, actually, I do.
Fibromyalgia, hemophilia.
I got a lot of problems.
Yeah, no shit.
Really?
- Bobby here owes
- Bob or Robert. It [STAMMERING]
Or whatever. It's fine.
Bobsie here owes me a lot of money.
- And he says that you can help me get it.
- She can.
- You can.
- [SCOFFS] How are you to find a buyer
- for one of Bobsie here's fake paintings?
- [BOB STAMMERS]
- I already have.
- Uh, she's already got one.
How do you know anyone
that has over a million?
I used to work for
James Kachel in New York.
- He's a very big collector.
- Huge.
Well, big collectors know forgeries.
- Well, some do, some don't.
- [CHUCKLES]
Uh, lesser works have
taken in better collectors.
Kachel sees a profit margin here.
You think I'm a fucking philistine?
N-No, she does not.
No, I think you're Arman Landau.
A pretty decent collector.
You live in Rancho
Mirage, 5537 Cabernet.
[HEATHER BREATHES DEEPLY]
- [LAUGHING] Is this your parlor trick?
- [CHUCKLES]
- You think you know me?
- No, I don't think I know you.
Okay, Heather is
living with you for now,
which I get, 'cause I lived
with my mom until the end.
Family is important.
But I think all this meshuggaas
might be a violation of
her parole. [CHUCKLES]
How the fuck
Uh, this cop I broke up
with, he ran the plates.
Don't ask. Highway patrol.
He also put a GPS tracking device
in my car 'cause he's kind of a stalker.
So, this guy that you
got This, um, Kachel?
He told you he wants
to buy this painting?
- Oh, he wants it.
- He wants it.
And he knows exactly what it
is. And I can get you the money.
- She will. [CHUCKLES]
- [PEGGY] But if you stab me,
or you cut my nipple off, I
don't see how that helps you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
It helps me. [INHALES]
- It's okay, honey. It's okay. It's okay.
- [HEATHER BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [PEGGY SCREAMS, GROANS]
- You're lying.
No, no, no. I said
there was competition.
He said he was gonna
wire over a deposit.
But I guess you'll never
know. So, A, you get no money,
and two, Trooper Carl is about to
do a drive-by in about 20 minutes,
judging from his past behavior.
I don't know, some girls
find it flattering. [SCOFFS]
We can find that GPS.
Oh, good. Because I can't.
I don't know. It's a chip, like,
the size of an eyelash or something.
- What kind of deposit?
- [GROANS]
250K. Okay?
Two days. When he gets
back from Florence.
Very shitty Internet service.
Maybe three if he's running late.
[GRUNTING]
Hey, you think I could get that bag
that I came for? [INHALES SHARPLY]
[HAMMER BANGING]
[DENNY SIGHING]
[DENNY] Oh, hey.
- That finger turn up anything?
- Nah, it's probably just another finger.
Of course it turned up something.
I'm not telling you, though.
[CHUCKLING] You're still
marching around in that thing?
- Who are you kidding?
- I did a semester.
You did three weeks of a summer session.
Yeah, well, you know,
it's highly regarded.
And it's good for my business and
it's good for my new clientele, okay?
[PEGGY CHUCKLES]
Can I get that catalog
Bob sent of Dona's artwork?
Hey, did you know she did
Monet's "Waterloo Bridge"?
Do you believe that?
I looked it up. The ones in this series,
they're all pulling
in, like, eight figures.
Look at that freaking fog he did.
Look at that freaking fog she did.
Anyway, this is the reason
we all need to meditate.
[INHALES] Why do you want these?
Is it for Kachel? Don't
tell me he's coming.
[STAMMERS] What is
this? A press conference?
Come on, get back to the decorating.
- That's my blanket.
- It's cold out here.
You're not supposed to
go in the house, Denny.
You're helping yourself
to the linens now?
Judy was shaking like a leaf. Okay?
Okay. Later, Judy.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[MESSAGE SENT WHOOSHING]
[SIGHS, INHALES]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
- [PEGGY] Well, look who it is. [SIGHS]
- And look who that is.
Little Peggy Newman,
from Syosset, Long Island.
What took you so long?
Did you see the collection?
Look.
[LAUGHING] Ah, holy shit.
Jimmy, we both know, the
real one's never coming back.
Why? As far as I'm concerned,
that is the real one.
[ETHAN] Okay, that is a good boy.
- Easy. That's a good boy.
- [CHUCKLES] Is that Ethan?
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Ethan?
[KACHEL STAMMERS, SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES] So he's got a man bun now?
[SIGHS] Yeah.
- [SIGHS]
- I have to negotiate this in person.
Well, hurry the fuck up.
People are getting chippy.
- I'll send you my itinerary.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- [THROUGH TV] With only two yards
- Wait.
- [TELEVISION POWERS OFF]
- You got what?
Blonde lady. Yea high. I did
it custom for your sister.
So, when she says she found
it in her boyfriend's bed,
I'm thinking, the
fuck you talking about?
Real fucking pale?
[PEOPLE AT TANNING SPA MOANING]
- [CHUCKLES] Sylvia Plath?
- I don't think that's her name.
["SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY" PLAYING]
- [ENTERTAINER MOANING] Fuck.
- [LIONEL RICHIE] Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- [SIGHS] Fuck.
- [CLIENT 2] Fucking occupied.
- [ENTERTAINER 2] Get the fuck outta here.
- [CLIENT 2] Right.
[GROANS]
- [PANTS UNZIP]
- [SIGHS]
[URINE SPLASHING]
- [DOOR SLAMMING]
- Leo?
Hey, listen.
I want you to go find
this Sylvia fucking Plath,
or don't come back.
[SONG CONTINUES]