History of the World: Part II (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Is there a statue of a
recently deposed dictator
dominating the discourse
of your downtown square?
Got a monument to a wicked white racist
that you want gone by yesterday?
Has an iron and/or marble
effigy to a shameful past
fallen on one of your friends,
smashing them to absolute smithereens?
Oh, no! Ooh!
Then you need to call
me, Steven Santelmo,
from Steven Santelmo
Statue Removal and Supply.
Me and my adult children
will come to wherever you are
to remove the eyesore that
you saw before you called me.
We've got the toppling tools you need
to get a fresh start.
Next card.
Why you're, uhh or me. You're prob
So come on down to our showroom,
which is near my family's home.
The home that I have been
in a lengthy legal battle
with my siblings over for years.
Let's just say there's no
statue of my brother Barry there.
Yeah, right. Barry could even pay
the fucking property taxes where I live.
He's a dud. His kid's
a dud. His wife's a dud
Even his fucking dog's a dud.
That's why you gotta call me.
And even though my rat brother is
no longer involved in the company,
this is still a family
business. Come on.
Come here. Give Daddy
a hug. There we go.
Hey, can you smile?
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
You're on a commercial with me.
History of The World, Part II!
"The Story of Jesus"
I got about nine of them
here! Anybody need a cable?
In 33 AD,
Jesus and his apostles were
the hottest group in Jerusalem.
But, with the Romans
looking to arrest Jesus,
the group got together
to record what would be
his final sermon. Here we go!
These are "The Last
Supper Sessions." Go, baby!
Here we go, here we are.
Hello, hello, hello.
It's another peace and love.
Another beautiful morning.
Another camera morning.
Peace be with you, lads!
Ooh, we had a rough one last night.
Mm.
Little bit too much of the myrrh.
You can overdo it on the myrrh.
- Hello, lads. Hello.
- Judas! How are you?
- You guys remember Harry?
- Hello, Harry.
Luke. Good to see you, mate. Mark.
Did you, uh, change
your hair there, friend?
Oh yeah, I'm just trying this
new thing. What do you think?
Uh, can I get away with it?
I don't play that white dread
shit, but, uh, you do you.
Yeah. Hey, Peter,
could you get me some
milk for my cup of tea?
Judas! That's not what I do around here.
I'm a sound engineer!
I will say it is, uh, half past sand.
Someone's late again.
Thinks he's bigger than Jesus Christ.
Well, he is Jesus Christ.
- Right he is, he is.
- Point taken. Point taken, Luke.
- Oh, speak of the devil! There he is.
- Jesus!
Sorry, we're late, lads.
We had a little problem
with Rolling Stone.
We almost got run over by a boulder.
Almost smushed us like a latke.
Well, now that we got
the whole band here,
just wondering if we thought about
where we were gonna play the concert?
You know, it's a big concert film, so
You know, one thought
that I had was Rome.
You know, we could play Rome.
Got a lot of friends in Rome.
I I don't I don't know, man.
- Nobody likes Judas' idea?
- No, it's not that.
It's a tough crowd. I'd
love to do the Apollo Temple.
- Oh, Apollo.
- Apollo's very nice.
Oh, acoustics are good there. Sure.
You know, we could always go
to the top of Masada, you know?
The kids up there are, uh,
they're a little too horny, maybe.
- Kids from Long Island
- Kids from Long Island.
Feeling each other up.
Hate to be cliché,
but what would Jesus do?
What would He do? What would you do?
Certain people want to know.
Lads, I would just focus on the music.
Oh.
Just write the psalms, you know?
Our message will bring people in.
Well, it's easy to say when
you control all the publishing.
Some of us only make
money off the live gigs.
That's so materialistic.
We should just play in our souls.
- We should
- Don't you think?
Okay!
All right. Can somebody,
uh, just tell me,
when exactly did Mary join the band?
I mean, I thought we were the "Fab 12,"
but I guess, it turns
out we're the "Fab 13."
That's an unlucky number, isn't it?
I mean, she's one of
us, isn't she, mate?
I wrote the chorus for Let It Baah.
Hm, don't remember that psalm.
- Let it
- Baah!
- Let it
- Baah!
- Let it
- Baah!
- Let it
- Baah!
Hey, lovely Peter milky maid,
you wanna get me that
cup of tea and toast?
- Ooh.
- Unleavened, please.
Thank you, Peter. Now, it's
time to make some hit psalms!
And figure out where
we're gonna perform!
Previously, on "The Civil War"
Ulysses Grant and
Honest Abe Lincoln's son.
Any last words?
We are three Union soldiers
on a rescue mission.
- Hang 'em!
- Shit.
- Nervous about dying?
- Nope. Need a drink.
- What's going on?
- We're escaping, that's what!
Thought they was gonna
save Grant without my help.
Dumbasses.
General Lee, I, again, apologize.
General Grant should be here
momentarily.
It's just here in the South,
we afford people common courtesy.
Not all people.
Mm.
Mm.
Robert E. Lee is not gonna surrender
- to a man in his goddamn skivvies!
- I think you look great, sir.
Todd, I put on 20
pounds since Gettysburg.
I need a uniform.
You, Private!
Strip down!
Okay, Daddy!
I need to end this war,
so I can get a drink.
Come on, come on!
Why would you let me
take that guy's uniform?
You said to never correct
you ever again, sir.
Correction! Not all the time!
Have you been watching
anything good recently?
Oh, I've been, uh, binging campfires.
- Mm.
- You?
I tried watching rivers, but
I just couldn't get into 'em.
Ooh, stay with it.
Ah!
Sorry I'm late, but I'm
here now, in my uniform.
Why don't we sign this
treaty and end this war?
All right? Here we go.
Right here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Bobby, you're up.
This is truly the most difficult thing
- I have ever been called on to do.
- Uh, yeah. Just go ahead and sign it.
- I pray that this never happens again.
- Right next to where I put mine.
As a boy, my father taught me
Oh, what'd he tell
you? What'd he tell you?
sign to end the war!
Huzzah! Who wants a drink?
I do. You want a
drink? You want a drink?
I'm buying. I'm buying
My God!
This place was impossible to find!
I had to parallel park my own horse.
- Who are you?
- Who am I?
Who am I?!
Who am I
Ah, yes! I
am Maurice Cheeks. Notary Public.
I am the official that makes
anything you wanna make official
- officially officialized.
- Oh!
I also perform the occasional bris.
Sir, we've already signed the treaty.
You what?!
You signed the treaty?!
Who told you you can sign?!
You can't sign without
the notary public present!
Tell you what, you signed nothing!
This treaty is useless!
It's garbage, I tell you!
- No!
- Garbage!
The civil war is still on! Ah!
Jesus Christ, why didn't somebody
tell me my ass was this big?
Sir, this is important.
What if I said
"pretty please"?
With sugar on top?
Please?
- Well, I do have a sweet tooth.
- All right.
All right, but next time, you
two follow directions, get it?
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
- We need a new treaty.
- New treaty!
- New treaty.
- New treaty!
- New treaty!
On the table, all right.
Now, you, in the oversized
uniform, you sign right there.
Yes, sir. Right there.
Nicely done, and you, hot
Santa, right over there you sign.
Sorry, boys.
All right, let's make this official.
Goddammit! I brought my mohel bag!
Useless, unless anybody wants
- to take a little off the top.
- No, thanks.
All right. We'll improvise.
Improvising!
There it is! Official!
The Civil War is over!
And now, we triple kiss!
Mwah!
Who am I?
I just wanna know why am I the way I am?
Why do I like the things that I like?
I have a hard time eating dairy,
and I always wondered why that is.
I love riding horses.
What is that about?
I'll tell you what it's about.
I'm Kublai Khan,
and I had sex with all
these people's ancestors.
And you can find out if
you are my progeny as well
by signing up for khancestry.com.
When I first heard of khancestry.com,
I thought $600 is a lot of money,
but I've learned so much about myself.
I knew my mom's second
cousin was Flip Wilson's wife,
but this is way cooler.
I've always had this overwhelming urge
to conquer and unify Eurasia.
So, you might be asking yourself,
what's all this shit about?
Genghis Khan, AKA my grandpa Gengie,
started the biggest empire
the world's ever seen.
And I took that shit to the next level
by creating trade routes to
the west, establishing currency,
and balling my brains out.
My empire even extended into Russia!
That makes sense though
because, see, my ma is Russian.
My dad's Italian, though. Hey, yo.
All right, so a few years ago, I
started growing out my ponytail,
and my coworkers
started making fun of me.
They asked me if I
worked at Guitar Center,
and then I realized that I
was related to Kublai Khan,
who also had a ponytail,
so fuck you, Corey!
I cheated on my wife for
years, but I never knew why.
It's literally in my
DNA to spread my seed
as far and as wide as possible.
So, I told this to my
wife, Gloria, and she said,
"Nah, that's bullshit."
You know, I'm related to Kublai, too,
but, uh, I didn't fuck the babysitter!
First of all, it's not like a
teenage babysitter. This woman is 48.
And second of all, she's a nice lady.
She's going through a rough time.
I'm just trying to help
her get on her feet.
Yeah 'cause she's spending
a lot of time on her back,
with you on top of her, like
a big ol' fucking manatee.
After I got my khancestry.com results,
I took dairy out of my diet,
and the rash on my back
cleared up within weeks.
Oh yeah, I can't do dairy. Also cashews.
So that means no almond milk?
No, no tree nuts of any kind!
Let me tell you something about
little Miss Perfect over here.
She tells everyone that
she was in the Rockettes.
She was not in the Rockettes!
You don't listen, Barry.
The Rockettes are a
group of my girlfriends
who are fans of the
Rocky movies. That's all.
I walk around the street, and I'm like,
"Are you the spawn of Khan?
Are you the spawn of Khan?
I'm the spawn of Khan!"
Everyone thinks I'm insane!
With the right leader,
we could unify the tribes.
The Golden Horde is coming for you.
- Khan!
- Khan!
Khan!
Go to khancestry.com and
get a testing kit today.
Find out who you are, so you
can be the best you, you can be.
Which is me.
- Which is me.
- Which is me!
Which is me.
And now, back to "The
Last Supper Sessions."
Oh
Come on down to the carnival.
It's the carnival!
You know, last night Yoko, was, um
I'm sorry, who?
Mary. I said Mary.
You said Yoko, mate.
She's so clearly Yoko.
It's not one-to-one,
but she's clearly Yoko.
R-right, but it's not
just not one-to-one.
So, d-don't try to make direct
comparisons. We're not
Lads, you're distracted from the
point, mate. Like, last night,
- she was doing her body art on me
- Mm.
and shrieking in my ear,
I-I just had this divine
inspiration, right?
And it was a lyric.
"Lovely Lucy, lovely."
Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪
Pushing camels
through a needle's eye ♪
Ooh. What if Lovely Lucy
was a little bird, and she flies down,
and she's wearing little
wellies 'cause it's raining out,
and she's splashing in little puddles?
And it's it kind of, like,
- rainbows start kind of
- Yeah.
You see little rainbows
in their eyes, you know.
- I think keep going, mate.
- Anything for the chorus?
- Do you have a anything for the chorus?
- What if we, uh, what if we try
Give back, give back ♪
Can't just take it with ya ♪
Gotta give back ♪
Woo! You're beatin'
around the bush too much.
You're talkin' about giving
back. You gotta say cash.
You change the verse.
Give cash, give cash ♪
Or you can go to Hell
and burn the fuck up ♪
See what I'm sayin'?
You're the best marketer I've ever met,
but I just wanna bring people in, innit?
- It's about peace and love.
- Peace and love, mate.
- Peace and love.
- Yeah, I get ya.
Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪
Pushing camels
through a needle's eye ♪
She said, give back, give back ♪
If you wanna get to
Heaven, gotta give back ♪
Ooh ♪
Woo! ♪
- That was a nice one there.
- Yes!
Oh, lads! Lads, I'm sorry.
I recorded nothing.
The shells, they were
all turned the wrong way.
- Nothing?
- I'm sorry!
- Are you fucking kidding me, Peter?
- Oh God.
Peter, this is the third time
you've gobbed up the shells, mate.
I'm sorry, Jesus! I
didn't mean to betray you!
Oh, the fucking shofar is broken, Peter!
Statues, statues, statues.
Steven Santelmo,
from Steven Santelmo
Statue Removal and Supply.
Maybe you love statues.
Well, we are the number-one
reseller of statues
in the tri-state area.
We have thousands and thousands
and thousands of used statues.
When we take 'em down,
everybody dances around,
then they go home and w these
statues just sitting around, like,
I'ma take these statues, you know?
We got Vladimir Lenin.
We got Robert E. Lee.
We got Nicolae Ceausescu.
We got a wax Putin.
And we got the mother
of all deposed dictators.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen,
we got him, Saddam Hussein.
They couldn't find weapons
of mass destruction,
but I found his fucking
statues, not my brother Barry,
who couldn't find his own thumb
if it was wedged up his ass,
which it is half the time.
Hey, Barry, you're not
allowed in the commercials.
I don't care what Dad
said before he died.
We got more horses
I can't even tell you
how many horses statues.
And, you know, fun fact
about horse statues,
if one leg is up, I
don't know what it means.
It's Someone told me once,
and I could never remember.
Anyways, come on down to
Steven Santelmo's
Statue Removal and Supply
for the deal o-of your dreams.
"Amelia Earhart."
Untouched beauty.
Private beaches.
Wild birds.
The Bermuda Triangle.
Join me, Amelia Earhart,
in this goddamn paradise,
where we are fully open
Bar. Open bar.
The Triangle is a gift to women like me.
Just ask my roommate,
Bessie Coleman.
It's a pilot's paradise.
Bessie, when did you know
that you were a pilot?
I felt my first longing for the air
when I was in sixth grade,
but I didn't realize I was a pilot
until high school.
And now, you're a gold-star pilot.
That's right.
And this place is
swarming with other pilots.
Traveling here is a breeze.
All you gotta do is get
your father's permission
to go to aviation school.
Take a three-day exam
to get your license.
Overcome your crippling fear of heights.
Get your hands on a bargain barrel plane
that your friends and family
will beg you not to fly.
Then, fly it anyway.
Crash land it at the
scariest part of the ocean,
thereby faking your own death.
So no one will find you!
Including your husbands.
Not an easy journey, but worth it.
The Bermuda Triangle,
where no man dares to go.
And if one makes it here, we kill him.
I love the Triangle!
You hit some turbulence there, Cap?
Nope. I am a pilot in the '30s,
- and I wanna dance.
- Let's cut a rug.
Wow.
- Yeah! You see this?
- Uh-huh.
All the girls in New
York City are doing this.
It's like an illusion.
It's just a short flight to Wonderland.
Now boarding!
And now, back to "The
Last Supper Sessions."
You and your friends
are here at the studio
every day. May I ask why?
Um, I like to hang around here
and just to see if I can
catch any of the apostles.
Um, I'm totally a Judas girl.
He's just, like, a bad
boy, and I like that.
We'll go under water
and have fun with my magic seahorse.
We'll go underwater ♪
And have fun with my magic seahorse ♪
She dropped it right
in the fucking toast.
Mate, I-I don't think
the "under the sea"
theme is working, mate.
- Judas, what do you got?
- Okay, I've got an idea. Okay,
how about this? It goes,
um, I've got a feeling
I've got a feeling ♪
That white guys can have dreads.
I don't agree with that ♪
You know,
it's not that much of a big deal,
but if my ideas aren't
going to be listened to,
then I think I'm just gonna leave. Hm?
- Judas
- I'm leaving the band now.
It's just like that.
Just walked out.
Mate, who did his hair, mate?
- It's a mess.
- And just to be crystal clear,
I'm leaving this band.
Okay?
Leaves me a lot more time
with all my side projects.
Mm.
But I still wanna know
where the show's gonna be.
Sorry, I forgot my keys. Does
anyone know where my keys are?
Steven Santelmo Statue
Removal and Supply
is going out of business,
and I'm selling everything.
People that got canceled.
Hillary "Pizzagate" Clinton, I
got her. Christopher Columbus.
Nobody's touching one of those statues.
This guy founded America,
and I'll never forget.
Everything must go.
Now, you might be wondering
why a profitable business
would be going out of business.
And the answer is simple.
Because of this fuckin' turd.
Him, his wicked wife,
and his dud daughter
sued me for libel and defamation
because of my previous commercials?
Look at him. I couldn't
believe I was related
to this piece of human shawarma.
So then, I pissed into a Snapple bottle
and sent it to khancestry.com.
When I got my results,
I realized that I, too,
was related to Kublai Khan.
Just like Barry Santelmo.
Which means that we
were actually brothers.
And nothing is
Is more important than
family. Come on, guys.
- Come on out.
- Hey, bro, how you doing?
Finding out that we are
both related to Kublai Khan
has brought us closer
together as brothers.
And the good news for you
is that we are teaming up
to offer you the best Mongolian
statues in the So
- And the good news for Okay.
- Stop. Take your time, take your time.
- Don't tell me how to do this.
- No, no, no.
I been doing these commercials
for years, all right?
We are teaming up as
a family to offer you
the best Mongolian statues we can find.
We got 'em all!
- Genghis Khan.
- Kublai Khan.
- Scott Caan.
- Madeline Kahn?
We also have a statue of
Sylvester Stallone. Not for sale.
That's my sister-in-law. She's
supposed to be doing the books,
but now, she's on camera? I
I told you I was gonna
be on camera. I told you.
I was with her when she
told you, Uncle Steven.
Oh, thanks, "Raven." Please,
her Christian name's Samantha.
I don't know when she
changed her name
At least, uh, our daughter
didn't get busted at junior
prom for selling ketamine.
- Hello! Your daughter.
- Okay.
It was in the paper. It
was in The Ledger, Steven.
Okay, first of all,
excuse me. It was molly.
Second of all, it was senior prom,
- so get your fucking facts straight.
- Oh! Oh, okay.
F-first of all, uh, d-d-don't
talk to my wife that way.
W-what? W-who are you texting, Barry?
No, it was, uh, it was a spam caller.
Oh, oh, what? Is that your new
girlfriend's name now? Spam?
- Huh?
- Oh! Hey! It's in my DNA!
Ah, yeah, your DNA is in
every whore in town, Barry!
- Oh!
- Okay.
You say that in front of our
little girl! Where were you?
Bottom line is Santelmo's
Statue Removal and Supplies
is now Santelmo Mongolian Statue Depot.
We got the best deal for
you because you're family,
'cause you're likely related
to Kublai Khan as well.
We never would Kub-lie to you.
Our prices "Khant" be beat.
Let me just do the last line
myself. Leave me something.
And now, the grand
finale of "The Civil War."
In conclusion,
I pray that I will still
be remembered as a man
of great honor and dignity.
All right, wrap it up
and get on your horse.
- You're almost there.
- Ye
Don't come back now!
If I may be so bold.
I know the war is over,
but I would love to
continue working with you.
- Is that so, young man?
- Yes, sir. Uh
If I could just assist
you in any way, I'll do it.
Well, if you really wanna help me,
there's one thing you
could do right now.
- Yes, sir.
- Get on the floor,
- and fuckin' dance!
- Yes, sir.
One more time ♪
Oh, whoa!
Oh, gimme, gimme. Ooh, thank you.
Woo!
Woo!
One more time, we're gonna celebrate ♪
Oh yeah, all right ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa!
Yeah!
Fucking love you, dawg!
Wow. This party's fantastic.
Well, the war is over, fellas.
We can get back to our lives.
Yeah.
I gotta say, the last
12 hours with you guys
have been the most fun I've ever had.
And I'm sorry, our show was hot fire.
Yeah, we really pulled it
together in, like, three minutes.
I mean, we cut so many bits,
we have enough for a season two.
Well, we'll always have those memories.
What if we kept doing it?
Have memories? Yeah, okay.
No! Performing, singing, comedy.
Oh, my God, I am so in!
- Let's leave right now!
- But where do we go?
I've been reading about
this place called, uh,
uh, California?
I think it would be perfect
for some guys like us.
Oh, I like this.
A career in showbiz would be
healthy for an introvert like me.
I only have one question.
Which way to California?
Left until we hit the ocean.
This is insane. It's
2:00 PM on a Tuesday.
Does anyone here have a job?
Fuck, I'm gonna miss my audition.
- What's it for?
- Some Mel Brooks show.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I never knew my father.
- Neither did I.
- Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?
- Oh, yeah.
Totally a virgin, yeah.
Never had sex.
Tomorrow night, the
landmark event continues.
Lieutenament Silverman,
give us a status update.
I'm single, but looking.
We wanna jump right into it.
The stars are certainly out tonight.
- Oh!
- I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here.