Hit the Road Jack (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Essex
1 Tonight, I'm taking my show to Essex with guest stars Olly Murs and Joe Thomas and I will be going undercover as fashion guru, Kiki.
Hello, Essex! Welcome to Hit The Road Jack.
Tonight, we are celebrating Essex.
It is going to be reem! Now, tonight, this is coming to you live from Liquid.
Oh, yeah.
One of Basildon's premier nightclubs.
This place is incredible.
I love Liquid.
This is my kind of club, I tell you.
Some of the drinks offers they have here are incredible.
You buy two Jagerbombs, they give you the morning after pill for free.
That is amazing.
The women of Essex, you are stunning.
You are stunning.
Statistically, the women of Essex have the biggest breasts in the whole of the UK.
Although, if you count men as well, I'm afraid Glasgow overtakes you by a considerable margin.
We're here tonight in Bas Vegas.
Now, this is a real party town.
This nightclub, I saw outside, New York, New York.
Now, I saw that and I think it is now my life's ambition to go to New York and open a nightclub in the heart of downtown New York called Basildon, Basildon.
That's my dream.
One day "Hey, Hank.
You want to go to that new cocktail bar, Basildon Basildon? Yeah! This cocktail's amazing.
What's it called? Snakebite.
That is awesome.
But Essex has got some hidden gems as well.
Did you know this? There is a secret nuclear bunker in Essex.
Nice way of keeping it secret there, Essex.
I've never had to keep a secret nuclear bunker secret before but I imagine the first thing on my to-do list wouldn't be a fuck off sign saying secret nuclear bunker.
Thank God you weren't hiding Anne Frank.
I love the idea of Essex having a secret nuclear bunker.
Just like in the midst of a nuclear holocaust, the missiles flying over, exploding everywhere.
David Cameron, Nick Clegg, legging it down to the secret nuclear bunker at Kelvedon Hatch, only to get stopped on the door, "Sorry, mate.
No women in your group.
"Pull a mangina? Already done.
" "I was going to say, "call your wife.
" "But I put a vajazzle on it and everything.
" Essex, the home of the BAFTA award-winning, The Only Way Is Essex.
It got a BAFTA! I know! That's like Greggs getting given a Michelin star.
For Christ's sake! My favourite character, though, on The Only Way Is Essex I say character, he is a character, Joey Essex.
That guy is amazing.
I'm jealous of Joey Essex cos he's always smiling, isn't he? He makes up words, that's what Joey Essex does.
Like reem, that's his word.
He made up the word reem.
Oh, Icarus.
You struggle with the words that already exist, don't go making up new ones.
And you know he's not making them up.
You know he's having a go at spelling words that already exist, getting caught and then styling it out.
"Look, I've come up with a new word! Reem.
" Were you trying to spell Joey again? And he's called Joey Essex.
That's my favourite thing, is that his name is Joey Essex.
Essentially, it's not even a name.
It's like one of those discs you put on a dog's collar so that if he gets lost someone can help him get back to his carer.
His full name is Joey 15 Chesterton Avenue Essex.
The sad thing is, he did get lost once and spent five hours tearfully asking people for directions to a place called Joey.
Poor guy.
Essex is all about celebrity.
Essex is, after all, said to be the Hollywood of the UK.
What I want to know is how blinded you guys are by the lure of fame.
I posed as Kiki, a fashion photographer, to find out how much people in Essex wanted to be famous.
Who's up for some fear shots? JJ, the lens loves you, love it back.
Positions, everyone.
It's too much.
Out of my way, please.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, darling.
You look gorgeous.
Perfect.
You've got the perfect look.
Perfect look.
Now, how much have you been told about this shoot? A little bit.
This is one of the biggest campaigns certainly that I've ever done as a photographer.
It's a big campaign.
It's going to be everywhere and it's going to make you a star.
This is it.
And boom.
That is lovely.
That's nice.
The tongue, let's keep that.
Let's keep that.
I like it.
He's a cheeky little chimney sweep.
He's my black swan, he's my white swan I have a grey swan.
You've broken water and you're trying to give birth through your eyes.
Just a bit of fun.
We probably won't use that.
That That's the shot! That's the shot! That's the shot! I'm now going to show you a mock up.
This is going to be on every magazine, on every billboard, on the side of every bus in this country.
Show me the money.
There it is.
That is my campaign.
"Paedos, we don't all have beards.
" Striking, isn't it? I like it.
You're a gargoyle.
Gargoyle.
Geisha.
Beautiful.
A little geisha girl.
She's got little hoof-y feet.
An elegant tiger, a tigress, or whatever they're called.
Catwoman but with stripes.
Show me your pain.
Nice.
There we are.
Angry.
Hello! That is lovely.
I really like that one.
Let's have a little look at a mock-up.
Here we have it.
Boom.
And there it is.
LAUGHTER Sorry, will this go on buses? Everywhere.
Buses, billboards, we've even done a deal with easyJet to have it on the side of their planes.
Everywhere? Everywhere.
What's your star sign? Gemini.
I knew it.
Red Indians say that the camera captures part of your soul.
I want part of your soul, Tony.
Wounded.
Let's try wounded.
Nice.
What's your favourite colour? Purple.
I knew it.
Hello! That is lovely.
I really like that one.
There is the face of my campaign.
You've got the perfect look.
I love it.
I love it.
All you have to do is sign there and this will be everywhere and you will be famous.
II can't sign it.
Can you urinate on cue? If you pop your name down there, you sign up and then we're all What You Jem, what's Rory, fake it.
Fake it.
Fake it.
Sign on the dotted line and fame and fortune is yours.
So I'm signing for that? Just there.
That, everywhere.
Buses, tube stations.
We plan to have it at the Olympics as well.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, being in Essex, I obviously wanted to invite to the show some people with a bit more local knowledge.
Now tonight, my guests are two of Essex's finest talents, both of whom this county can justly be proud.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Thomas and Olly Murs.
First things first, a little strawpedo for the boys.
Are we actually going to do this? Chin chin.
I don't understand what we're doing.
You fashion the straw into a little air vent and then simply knock it back.
This is a race, though, surely? You want to race it? It's got to be a race in Essex, right? They never did this on Parkinson! Chin chin.
On three.
One, two, three.
That is Keep up.
You have got an alcohol problem, mate.
That is ridiculous.
Are you all right? Yeah, no, just a little bit high now.
OK.
Thank you very much for coming on the show.
We're in Liquid, of course, tonight.
Have you ever been to Liquid? Yes.
This is my local.
I've come here many, many times.
Many, many times.
I don't think I ever pulled once here at Liquid Envy ever.
What?! In Liquid?! The women's loo has a knee pad dispenser.
You didn't pull here?! Never pulled here once.
Really?! Never pulled here once.
Is there any advice you'd give to any lads here tonight on the pull? Any chat up lines? I've got the best chat up line.
OK.
What is it? Do it on me.
I can't really do it on you.
OK.
I'll look all ladylike.
What is that? That's not a lady! Can I get a girl out of the audience? Yeah, yeah.
Come here.
Do you want to come get chatted up by Olly Murs? Observe.
Observe.
All right, darling.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
What's your name? Sarah.
All right, Sarah.
Are they fake eyelashes? No.
Really?! Yes.
Just close your eyes for a second.
Come on then.
We're off.
I've pulled.
Is that off to the disabled toilet for a quickie, then back on the dancefloor, get with her mate? Do it again? You love it.
Now, obviously, that's the good side of Essex, the nightlife, the party.
There is also a slightly darker side to Essex, which we haven't touched upon really.
There's quite a lot of gang trouble, sometimes.
Mr Thomas here, when he was at school, unfortunately got involved in a gang who were quite a rough crew who competed in the first series of Robot Wars.
There he is.
How shit is that robot?! That's no Killertron.
It got down to the last six, Jack.
The last six?! Yeah, sure.
Grand final.
How? Did the others just retire? Joe, in your screen performances, you often play people that struggle with girls.
But when you were growing up, were you a bit more of a lad's lad? Yeah.
On screen, I have never been cast as somebody who is not a virgin.
I think that Robot Wars shit will really help that.
That's going to change now.
OK, now, obviously, we're in Essex, we have got a bona fide Essex audience in tonight.
Oh, yeah! And as we know, the people of Essex love a little bit of fake tan.
Perhaps none more so than Jodie Marsh.
There she is.
Look at her.
Oh, my days! It's an interesting look.
I did a little bit of research about this and on a newspaper online forum we found someone who'd said this.
She was called Hello Kitty 47.
She said, "Jodie Marsh is wearing "so much fake tan that I believe it's borderline racially offensive.
" And I saw it and I thought you know, maybe Kitty has a point, but let's put it to the test.
So we did.
That's OK.
That's OK.
Yeah, that's OK.
That's definitely unacceptable.
Four tans, no more.
Was that four? Yeah.
No more than four.
OK, that's it for this part.
Join me after the break.
Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.
Essex boys Olly and Joe with us throughout the show.
I wanted on my stay to become properly Essex, so there was only one thing I could do.
Beg some locals to let me move in with them.
I put out some adverts and we got some great responses.
Originally I was planning on staying on a farm with a nice family, who told me all I needed was a caravan and a dog, but that invitation went up in smoke.
But of all the people who invited me to stay, I finally opted to stay with the Thornhills, who invited me into their home and showed me how to become a fully fledged Essex geezer.
Hello.
Come in.
As soon as I arrived in Essex, Alex greeted me.
I'll show you up to your room.
Welcome to Essex.
Showed me to my room and introduced me to her family.
Then asked me a question that would set the tone for my entire stay.
You up for a pejazzle? A PE-jazzle? A pejazzle.
Don't you mean a vajazzle? Mum, he's got a willy.
It's a male version.
It's a new trend.
You've got to have it.
'So with penazzles in mind, Alex took me to her favourite spa.
'It all appeared to be very tranquil.
' One, two, three.
Ow! 'It wasn't.
' Oh.
Oh, fuck a tramp! We're gonna make you a star Do all Essex men do this? This is what everybody does.
I love Essex.
This is looking good, this.
It does.
That is well reem.
'Grooming over, I finally had to pick my Essex outfit.
'Or "clobber".
' I want to look like Marvin from JLS.
I quite like that one.
I like this one, girls.
Reem.
Reem.
'It was time for a ride in a spectacular car, 'and an unprompted game of truth or dare.
'Well - truth.
' She's the only one who ain't got false tits.
This is true.
Whose are false and whose aren't? I'm false.
Both of us.
Both of yours are fake and those are real.
I have to say, in my defence I had mine done the day before the Royal Wedding.
You had yours done the day before the Royal Wedding? What, as a celebration? My mum baked scones, and my aunt came round and we watched it on TV, and I was in agony.
Wow.
Had a couple of drinks, bit of conversation, and I think Alex and Benny might actually be swingers.
"My name is Jack and I'm visiting Essex.
" "My name is Jack and I'm visiting Essex.
" I don't sound like that! "My name's Jack, I'm here to stay.
" Would you like to have a threesome with my boyfriend? Meal over, we celebrated the motherland.
To Essex.
Essex.
Cheers.
A massive thank you to the Thornhill family.
Woo! So, I spent quite a lot of time there getting ready for a night out.
How much time do you spend in front of the mirror before a night out? Just check it's still there.
Check it's still there? Yeah.
I'm about half hour.
Half hour man? Yeah.
Max.
Five, ten minutes in the shower.
Get out, pants ready, bosh.
Jeans, bosh.
Shoes, bosh.
T-shirt, done, mum's ironed it, out.
Bulge, bish-bash-bosh.
Dust it.
Lock.
Done.
Lot of fans into the bulge.
How does it feel to have the most famous package in the world? No.
It's not.
It was trending on Twitter! It was worldwide trending on Twitter Worldwide trending.
Just ridiculous.
I just wear skinny jeans.
I wear skinny jeans, like you and Joe.
What you saying, we don't have enough to fill them? No, I just wear skinny jeans.
Unfortunately, other areas get looked at more than others.
It's been a thing that's been happening for a long time.
Ever since the X Factor.
Well, no, before then.
This is you when you were young.
Well, I'm sad to say that my time is nearly up.
Essex, you've done me proud, and I shall miss you when I have gone.
But I want the world to know just how ream this place is.
So as a special treat, I've made this for you.
And Essex Tourist Board, if you want to license it from me, just get in touch.
Essex! A land of stunning beauty.
A land steeped in history.
A land where time stands still, cos from what I've seen, it's the only county that sees 24-hour drinking not as a law, but as a challenge.
The sun here shines every single day.
The people are adorned with jewels and their smiles shine as brightly as the stars.
In Essex, you can sample delicious local beverages.
What year is this, please? WKD, 2011.
Essex has romance to rival Paris.
It has glamour to rival Hollywood.
And one explosive nightlife, mainly due to the local gangsters.
It's a place that has everything you'll ever want.
So I say you can screw Wales, Essex has got its own language.
Positive.
Like, no way! Shut up! Shut up! You can screw Ireland.
You can walk through fields and shit here too.
You can screw everyone when you come to Essex.
Thank you, Essex.
You've been amazing.
Please give it up for the wonderful Joe Thomas! Olly Murs! Valerie Thornhill! And to the wonderful people of Essex in my wonderful audience tonight! But to play us out tonight, it's Olly Murs! Ladies and gentlemen, I got a special treat for you tonight.
To sing to you lovely ladies, my friend Olly! Let's go!
Hello, Essex! Welcome to Hit The Road Jack.
Tonight, we are celebrating Essex.
It is going to be reem! Now, tonight, this is coming to you live from Liquid.
Oh, yeah.
One of Basildon's premier nightclubs.
This place is incredible.
I love Liquid.
This is my kind of club, I tell you.
Some of the drinks offers they have here are incredible.
You buy two Jagerbombs, they give you the morning after pill for free.
That is amazing.
The women of Essex, you are stunning.
You are stunning.
Statistically, the women of Essex have the biggest breasts in the whole of the UK.
Although, if you count men as well, I'm afraid Glasgow overtakes you by a considerable margin.
We're here tonight in Bas Vegas.
Now, this is a real party town.
This nightclub, I saw outside, New York, New York.
Now, I saw that and I think it is now my life's ambition to go to New York and open a nightclub in the heart of downtown New York called Basildon, Basildon.
That's my dream.
One day "Hey, Hank.
You want to go to that new cocktail bar, Basildon Basildon? Yeah! This cocktail's amazing.
What's it called? Snakebite.
That is awesome.
But Essex has got some hidden gems as well.
Did you know this? There is a secret nuclear bunker in Essex.
Nice way of keeping it secret there, Essex.
I've never had to keep a secret nuclear bunker secret before but I imagine the first thing on my to-do list wouldn't be a fuck off sign saying secret nuclear bunker.
Thank God you weren't hiding Anne Frank.
I love the idea of Essex having a secret nuclear bunker.
Just like in the midst of a nuclear holocaust, the missiles flying over, exploding everywhere.
David Cameron, Nick Clegg, legging it down to the secret nuclear bunker at Kelvedon Hatch, only to get stopped on the door, "Sorry, mate.
No women in your group.
"Pull a mangina? Already done.
" "I was going to say, "call your wife.
" "But I put a vajazzle on it and everything.
" Essex, the home of the BAFTA award-winning, The Only Way Is Essex.
It got a BAFTA! I know! That's like Greggs getting given a Michelin star.
For Christ's sake! My favourite character, though, on The Only Way Is Essex I say character, he is a character, Joey Essex.
That guy is amazing.
I'm jealous of Joey Essex cos he's always smiling, isn't he? He makes up words, that's what Joey Essex does.
Like reem, that's his word.
He made up the word reem.
Oh, Icarus.
You struggle with the words that already exist, don't go making up new ones.
And you know he's not making them up.
You know he's having a go at spelling words that already exist, getting caught and then styling it out.
"Look, I've come up with a new word! Reem.
" Were you trying to spell Joey again? And he's called Joey Essex.
That's my favourite thing, is that his name is Joey Essex.
Essentially, it's not even a name.
It's like one of those discs you put on a dog's collar so that if he gets lost someone can help him get back to his carer.
His full name is Joey 15 Chesterton Avenue Essex.
The sad thing is, he did get lost once and spent five hours tearfully asking people for directions to a place called Joey.
Poor guy.
Essex is all about celebrity.
Essex is, after all, said to be the Hollywood of the UK.
What I want to know is how blinded you guys are by the lure of fame.
I posed as Kiki, a fashion photographer, to find out how much people in Essex wanted to be famous.
Who's up for some fear shots? JJ, the lens loves you, love it back.
Positions, everyone.
It's too much.
Out of my way, please.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, darling.
You look gorgeous.
Perfect.
You've got the perfect look.
Perfect look.
Now, how much have you been told about this shoot? A little bit.
This is one of the biggest campaigns certainly that I've ever done as a photographer.
It's a big campaign.
It's going to be everywhere and it's going to make you a star.
This is it.
And boom.
That is lovely.
That's nice.
The tongue, let's keep that.
Let's keep that.
I like it.
He's a cheeky little chimney sweep.
He's my black swan, he's my white swan I have a grey swan.
You've broken water and you're trying to give birth through your eyes.
Just a bit of fun.
We probably won't use that.
That That's the shot! That's the shot! That's the shot! I'm now going to show you a mock up.
This is going to be on every magazine, on every billboard, on the side of every bus in this country.
Show me the money.
There it is.
That is my campaign.
"Paedos, we don't all have beards.
" Striking, isn't it? I like it.
You're a gargoyle.
Gargoyle.
Geisha.
Beautiful.
A little geisha girl.
She's got little hoof-y feet.
An elegant tiger, a tigress, or whatever they're called.
Catwoman but with stripes.
Show me your pain.
Nice.
There we are.
Angry.
Hello! That is lovely.
I really like that one.
Let's have a little look at a mock-up.
Here we have it.
Boom.
And there it is.
LAUGHTER Sorry, will this go on buses? Everywhere.
Buses, billboards, we've even done a deal with easyJet to have it on the side of their planes.
Everywhere? Everywhere.
What's your star sign? Gemini.
I knew it.
Red Indians say that the camera captures part of your soul.
I want part of your soul, Tony.
Wounded.
Let's try wounded.
Nice.
What's your favourite colour? Purple.
I knew it.
Hello! That is lovely.
I really like that one.
There is the face of my campaign.
You've got the perfect look.
I love it.
I love it.
All you have to do is sign there and this will be everywhere and you will be famous.
II can't sign it.
Can you urinate on cue? If you pop your name down there, you sign up and then we're all What You Jem, what's Rory, fake it.
Fake it.
Fake it.
Sign on the dotted line and fame and fortune is yours.
So I'm signing for that? Just there.
That, everywhere.
Buses, tube stations.
We plan to have it at the Olympics as well.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, being in Essex, I obviously wanted to invite to the show some people with a bit more local knowledge.
Now tonight, my guests are two of Essex's finest talents, both of whom this county can justly be proud.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Thomas and Olly Murs.
First things first, a little strawpedo for the boys.
Are we actually going to do this? Chin chin.
I don't understand what we're doing.
You fashion the straw into a little air vent and then simply knock it back.
This is a race, though, surely? You want to race it? It's got to be a race in Essex, right? They never did this on Parkinson! Chin chin.
On three.
One, two, three.
That is Keep up.
You have got an alcohol problem, mate.
That is ridiculous.
Are you all right? Yeah, no, just a little bit high now.
OK.
Thank you very much for coming on the show.
We're in Liquid, of course, tonight.
Have you ever been to Liquid? Yes.
This is my local.
I've come here many, many times.
Many, many times.
I don't think I ever pulled once here at Liquid Envy ever.
What?! In Liquid?! The women's loo has a knee pad dispenser.
You didn't pull here?! Never pulled here once.
Really?! Never pulled here once.
Is there any advice you'd give to any lads here tonight on the pull? Any chat up lines? I've got the best chat up line.
OK.
What is it? Do it on me.
I can't really do it on you.
OK.
I'll look all ladylike.
What is that? That's not a lady! Can I get a girl out of the audience? Yeah, yeah.
Come here.
Do you want to come get chatted up by Olly Murs? Observe.
Observe.
All right, darling.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
What's your name? Sarah.
All right, Sarah.
Are they fake eyelashes? No.
Really?! Yes.
Just close your eyes for a second.
Come on then.
We're off.
I've pulled.
Is that off to the disabled toilet for a quickie, then back on the dancefloor, get with her mate? Do it again? You love it.
Now, obviously, that's the good side of Essex, the nightlife, the party.
There is also a slightly darker side to Essex, which we haven't touched upon really.
There's quite a lot of gang trouble, sometimes.
Mr Thomas here, when he was at school, unfortunately got involved in a gang who were quite a rough crew who competed in the first series of Robot Wars.
There he is.
How shit is that robot?! That's no Killertron.
It got down to the last six, Jack.
The last six?! Yeah, sure.
Grand final.
How? Did the others just retire? Joe, in your screen performances, you often play people that struggle with girls.
But when you were growing up, were you a bit more of a lad's lad? Yeah.
On screen, I have never been cast as somebody who is not a virgin.
I think that Robot Wars shit will really help that.
That's going to change now.
OK, now, obviously, we're in Essex, we have got a bona fide Essex audience in tonight.
Oh, yeah! And as we know, the people of Essex love a little bit of fake tan.
Perhaps none more so than Jodie Marsh.
There she is.
Look at her.
Oh, my days! It's an interesting look.
I did a little bit of research about this and on a newspaper online forum we found someone who'd said this.
She was called Hello Kitty 47.
She said, "Jodie Marsh is wearing "so much fake tan that I believe it's borderline racially offensive.
" And I saw it and I thought you know, maybe Kitty has a point, but let's put it to the test.
So we did.
That's OK.
That's OK.
Yeah, that's OK.
That's definitely unacceptable.
Four tans, no more.
Was that four? Yeah.
No more than four.
OK, that's it for this part.
Join me after the break.
Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.
Essex boys Olly and Joe with us throughout the show.
I wanted on my stay to become properly Essex, so there was only one thing I could do.
Beg some locals to let me move in with them.
I put out some adverts and we got some great responses.
Originally I was planning on staying on a farm with a nice family, who told me all I needed was a caravan and a dog, but that invitation went up in smoke.
But of all the people who invited me to stay, I finally opted to stay with the Thornhills, who invited me into their home and showed me how to become a fully fledged Essex geezer.
Hello.
Come in.
As soon as I arrived in Essex, Alex greeted me.
I'll show you up to your room.
Welcome to Essex.
Showed me to my room and introduced me to her family.
Then asked me a question that would set the tone for my entire stay.
You up for a pejazzle? A PE-jazzle? A pejazzle.
Don't you mean a vajazzle? Mum, he's got a willy.
It's a male version.
It's a new trend.
You've got to have it.
'So with penazzles in mind, Alex took me to her favourite spa.
'It all appeared to be very tranquil.
' One, two, three.
Ow! 'It wasn't.
' Oh.
Oh, fuck a tramp! We're gonna make you a star Do all Essex men do this? This is what everybody does.
I love Essex.
This is looking good, this.
It does.
That is well reem.
'Grooming over, I finally had to pick my Essex outfit.
'Or "clobber".
' I want to look like Marvin from JLS.
I quite like that one.
I like this one, girls.
Reem.
Reem.
'It was time for a ride in a spectacular car, 'and an unprompted game of truth or dare.
'Well - truth.
' She's the only one who ain't got false tits.
This is true.
Whose are false and whose aren't? I'm false.
Both of us.
Both of yours are fake and those are real.
I have to say, in my defence I had mine done the day before the Royal Wedding.
You had yours done the day before the Royal Wedding? What, as a celebration? My mum baked scones, and my aunt came round and we watched it on TV, and I was in agony.
Wow.
Had a couple of drinks, bit of conversation, and I think Alex and Benny might actually be swingers.
"My name is Jack and I'm visiting Essex.
" "My name is Jack and I'm visiting Essex.
" I don't sound like that! "My name's Jack, I'm here to stay.
" Would you like to have a threesome with my boyfriend? Meal over, we celebrated the motherland.
To Essex.
Essex.
Cheers.
A massive thank you to the Thornhill family.
Woo! So, I spent quite a lot of time there getting ready for a night out.
How much time do you spend in front of the mirror before a night out? Just check it's still there.
Check it's still there? Yeah.
I'm about half hour.
Half hour man? Yeah.
Max.
Five, ten minutes in the shower.
Get out, pants ready, bosh.
Jeans, bosh.
Shoes, bosh.
T-shirt, done, mum's ironed it, out.
Bulge, bish-bash-bosh.
Dust it.
Lock.
Done.
Lot of fans into the bulge.
How does it feel to have the most famous package in the world? No.
It's not.
It was trending on Twitter! It was worldwide trending on Twitter Worldwide trending.
Just ridiculous.
I just wear skinny jeans.
I wear skinny jeans, like you and Joe.
What you saying, we don't have enough to fill them? No, I just wear skinny jeans.
Unfortunately, other areas get looked at more than others.
It's been a thing that's been happening for a long time.
Ever since the X Factor.
Well, no, before then.
This is you when you were young.
Well, I'm sad to say that my time is nearly up.
Essex, you've done me proud, and I shall miss you when I have gone.
But I want the world to know just how ream this place is.
So as a special treat, I've made this for you.
And Essex Tourist Board, if you want to license it from me, just get in touch.
Essex! A land of stunning beauty.
A land steeped in history.
A land where time stands still, cos from what I've seen, it's the only county that sees 24-hour drinking not as a law, but as a challenge.
The sun here shines every single day.
The people are adorned with jewels and their smiles shine as brightly as the stars.
In Essex, you can sample delicious local beverages.
What year is this, please? WKD, 2011.
Essex has romance to rival Paris.
It has glamour to rival Hollywood.
And one explosive nightlife, mainly due to the local gangsters.
It's a place that has everything you'll ever want.
So I say you can screw Wales, Essex has got its own language.
Positive.
Like, no way! Shut up! Shut up! You can screw Ireland.
You can walk through fields and shit here too.
You can screw everyone when you come to Essex.
Thank you, Essex.
You've been amazing.
Please give it up for the wonderful Joe Thomas! Olly Murs! Valerie Thornhill! And to the wonderful people of Essex in my wonderful audience tonight! But to play us out tonight, it's Olly Murs! Ladies and gentlemen, I got a special treat for you tonight.
To sing to you lovely ladies, my friend Olly! Let's go!