Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e06 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) neun, zehn, elf, zwolf, dreizehn, vierzehn, funfzehn.
KLINK: Report.
Herr Kommandant, all present.
Colonel Hogan, how many prisoners in this section? Fifteen.
Correction.
Sixteen.
English commando.
Part of a group that landed to sabotage an ammunition depot.
They were all captured immediately, of course.
Your people, Hogan, ( scoffs ): really so ineffective.
Sure he's one of ours? Quite sure.
I have to hand it to you, sir.
You're to be congratulated.
Colonel Hogan.
You shouldn't wipe your hand on the commandant.
Well, you won't give us a roller towel.
We almost ruddy well pulled it off.
The charges was all planted.
Only had to connect two flipping wires on the timer when they ran us off.
Caught the lot of us.
The rest of the blokes are being sent to Kleinfeld prison.
What makes this ammo dump so important? Well, this here German General Schmidt has his command center there.
He's staging for some big attack somewhere.
Headquarters don't know where he's going to hit, and they was hoping that getting the dump would stop him before he got started.
And all the explosives are still planted there? The lot.
They never spotted any of it.
All that has to happen is just two little wires connected and blooey, huh? Right.
Thanks.
I won't take you with me.
You weren't thinking of going there? Why not, it's in the neighborhood.
You mean you're going to stage a raid from a prison camp? You must be daft.
That's 50 miles away, right through the heart of Germany.
How are you going to get there? Through our local Travelers Aid man, Colonel Klink.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
Oh, glad I was able to catch you, sir.
Afraid you'd be gone before I had a chance to say good-bye.
Good-bye? Yeah, the, uh, boys and I wanted you to have this as a farewell gift.
Farewell? What are you talking about? You haven't heard? I didn't want to be the one to tell you.
Uh, forget I was here.
Not so fast.
It's probably just a wild rumor.
Take the gift.
Use it.
Enjoy it.
Wherever they send you.
"Wherever they send"? You know something, Hogan.
Out with it.
( sighs ) They're closing the camp.
Closing the camp? Hah, that's ridiculous.
The handwriting's on the wall.
How many prisoners did you get in today.
One.
How many did they capture? Seven.
Six went to Kleinfeld.
Six.
You got one.
Six to one.
And yours with a busted flipper, a factory second.
It means nothing.
I could pick up those other six if I wanted them by just making one phone call.
Sure, sure, but, you know, once these rumors get started, yeah, it's a good thing you have your winter uniform for the Ural Mountains.
Russia.
That was the other half of the rumor, yeah.
Oh, you'll like it up there.
That nice, clean, fresh mountain air.
Those are the Urals, up in the ice and snow, aren't they? Ice.
Snow.
Give me General Schmidt's Headquarters.
I'll show them who's closing this camp.
Hello.
This is Colonel Klink.
I won't tolerate this.
You caught seven paratroopers.
Seven.
What do I get? Just one.
One paratrooper and with a busted flipper no less.
I want the other six, too.
Certainly I can handle them.
I'll send a truck.
So much for your rumors.
I send a truck, I get them all.
So, no farewells.
Strange.
I seem to have one just like this.
We heard you'd lost it.
That's why we got it.
I know the fellows would want you to have it.
Sort of a welcome home gift.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Transportation's arranged.
Klink inspects every inch of every truck that leaves here.
I don't see where we can hide Carter, nothing's easy.
Kommen Sie hier.
I'm Sergeant Schultz from Stalag 13.
I come to pick up the paratroopers.
Gut.
( door creaks ) ( bottles clatter ) This is the last party I take you to.
( bottles clatter ) I don't know why they have to put all these goodies underneath an ammunition dump.
Hello.
This may go down as the greatest crime of the war.
( timer rings softly, bottle clatters ) I'm going to set this to blow in 20 minutes.
Let's get out of here.
( man and woman laughing ) Check that.
( man and woman laughing ) Mmm.
Mmm.
General, it's very late.
I have to go.
Oh, no, no, no.
I must rejoin my division so soon.
You must stay for at least one more drink.
( chuckles ) Oh.
Oh.
I shall go get another bottle, huh? Okay.
Charming.
Oh, that's ( chuckling ) Colonel Hoga Are you going to drink that now? It's not for me, it's for him.
You do the honors.
Mein kleines Puppchen.
( laughs ) Now, don't go away.
You stay right there.
GENERAL: I get some nice, cold champagne.
Oh, Liebling, you stay right where you are, huh.
I shall be back immediately.
( glass shatters, thudding ) General? Herr General Schmidt? ( gasps ) Auf Wiedersehen.
Oh, General.
Auf Wiedersehen, Puppchen.
Let's get out of here.
Let's get our prisoner first.
We haven't got time Our what?! Our prisoner.
We can't keep a prisoner.
Well, we've got our own prison.
What better place to keep him in? But we're prisoners.
So, what? Just because we're prisoners doesn't mean we can't have our own prisoners.
It's impossible.
There's a rule or something? The Geneva convention, not a word.
We've got our rights.
We're as good as they are.
Look, if the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they going to do, lock us up? Raus! Everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus, raus! Back, back, back, back! Mach schnell! Raus! Achtung! ( yells in German ) Back, back, back, back! ( yells in German ) ( speaks in German ) Achtung! I'm Sergeant Schultz.
You are now in Stalag 13 from which no one escapes, ever.
Ever! You understand? Now then What are you doing? Official duties, Schultz.
You've got newcomers, I'm with the welcome wagon.
Welcome? Yeah.
Everything go okay? You got all seven? Yeah, of course.
Good.
I have only six.
Six? Schultz, you lost one already.
No, I didn't lose anybody.
You must have.
We've got seven beds waiting.
Now, how did it happen? You went over a bumpy road and one got tossed out, huh? No, the road was not that bumpy.
But there were bumps.
What is the commandant going to say? ( groans ): The commandant.
Back in the truck, quick.
He's probably laying by the side of the road near the bumps.
Go ahead.
( Schultz yelling in German ) Hey, Schultz, hold it a minute.
You're in luck.
He's still here.
You sure did bump him.
He's still groggy.
What's his name? Uh, uh Uh, B-B-B-B Finnegan.
Finnegan.
Finnegan? Finnegan.
You don't even have his name on the list, Schultz.
There.
Seven men, seven names.
Schultz, I can't keep on doing this for you.
Oh, danke.
If ever I can do something for you.
I'll think of something.
Commandos, get him out of here.
Tell Kinch to notify London about the new prisoner.
We won't have him that long.
When Schmidt wakes up, he goes right to Klink, and he's out.
Wrong.
I go to Klink first.
He's in.
You see what they think of me, Colonel Hogan? I ask for the prisoners and poof, they're here.
( gasps ) What is it? The Grey Phantom? The what, what? Nothing, nothing.
What did you see here? No more questions, sir.
I'm no match for you.
You're a master interrogator.
I'd better go.
Just a minute, Hogan! Sit down! There is something on that list that frightened you.
What, Hogan? What? Why did he have to come here? He's going to escape and spoil your perfect record, and we're going to get the blame.
No one escapes from Stalag 13.
Yeah, the Grey Phantom will.
Master of a thousand disguises.
Speaks German fluently.
He can masquerade as anyone.
No camp's going to hold him.
He'll be out of here in 24 hours.
Which one is it? What am I doing? I've said too much already.
I'm an American.
It's my job to help him escape.
Of course I understand.
Now, which one is it? It's Colonel, there's a prisoner here who demands to see you.
Not now, not now.
Herr The Phantom.
I am General Karl Schmidt.
I demand to be released immediately! General Schmidt.
Oh, you recognize him, Colonel Hogan, even with those clothes, huh? Famous General Schmidt.
Who wouldn't? Oh, of course, of course.
General, what can I do for you? That's better.
Now, I must get in touch with my command immediately.
Certainly, certainly.
Take your hands off that phone, General.
You cannot call anyone, because you were killed yesterday when your ammunition depot blew up.
I am not dead.
You may regret Silence! You can stop this outrageous masquerade, because I know who you are, and escape is impossible.
But Colonel, he really is That will be all.
Guard! You blind fool! You will regret this.
( speaking German ) Colonel, aren't you afraid that he? I admire your efforts, Colonel Hogan, but they are useless.
He will not escape, not in 24 hours, not in 24 years.
No matter how hard he tries, I can assure you, he won't fool me.
You're so cunning.
Well, reservations are confirmed.
Compliments from London, Colonel, on blowing up that dump.
But they want us to get the location of the attack from Schmidt.
Well, if we can get him to contact his staff, we'd have the location, right? Let me give it a whirl.
Colonel was kind of rough on you, General.
Yeah.
The fool! Yeah.
A shame he wouldn't let you make that phone call, so you could contact your aide, he'd identify you and get you out of here.
Maybe if you, uh, sent a message.
You can get word out? Bribe one of the guards.
Where do you want it sent? ( sighs ) I cannot reveal where they are, not for five days.
I can wait until then.
All right.
Suit yourself.
Whenever you're ready.
Well? It isn't going to be easy.
He won't talk to save his life.
Or will he? I think the General's going to be ill, deathly ill.
Newkirk, we have a job for the mighty Hogan Art Players.
Ah, I still can't figure why the Colonel didn't recognize you, sir.
I knew it was you, right off.
Uh, Dummkopf! He will pay for that.
Of course you do look different from your picture.
The neck is fuller.
Yeah? Everything will turn out all right in the end.
Your neck, sir-- how long has it been swollen like that? My neck? My neck is not swollen.
Maybe it just happened.
Maybe there's still time.
What is all this neck, neck, neck? What? Shackleitis.
Double Prison Plague.
DPP we call it for short.
Starts with the neck.
Always a killer.
See over there.
Two went last Monday, just like that.
But I feel fine.
Don't say that.
Feeling fine is a definite symptom.
We've got to get you outside medical attention.
Oh, ridiculous.
It is ridiculous, sir, to think that they'd-they'd help you as long as you're just a prisoner.
Let me contact your staff and get you out of here and into a hospital.
Why are you so anxious to help me? Because I admire you.
Hah! All right.
You see through me.
There is something I want.
Ah.
So? I'm an ambitious man, and I see the way the war is going.
Today you have Europe.
Tomorrow you'll be in America.
Yeah.
What is it you want? Cleveland.
Cleveland? I want to be Burgermeister.
Oh, you won't have to worry about me, sir.
I'll be loyal.
One set of books.
How about it? I do you a favor now, you do me a favor later.
Ja, Schmidt will be in America.
But for you, no Cleveland.
No nothing.
I do not need your help.
I need no help from anyone.
Kelly, Johnson-- they said the same thing.
If they only had your chance for outside treatment.
Oh, it's-it's only a little sore throat.
Promise you'll notify me if you develop the next symptom, huh? Fever, hot flashes, body all burning up.
Oh, why won't you let me notify your staff? Look, call me if you start feeling warmer.
Immediately, while there's still time.
Oh, oh! Oh! Oh, it's certainly turned cold, didn't it, General? Freezing out there.
Brr.
Oh! Don't you feel it, General? Hey.
Hey, what about a drop of the old soup, eh? It'll warm you up really good.
Re My, you're perspiring, aren't? What is it? Oh, my goodness! Colonel Hogan! Quick, quick.
What is it? What is it? Look, look, he's-he's perspiring.
Oh.
More blankets on the double.
He'll be all right.
Yeah, you're going to be all right.
Just like they said, probably a cold.
So warm.
Yeah.
If it were shackleitis, there'd be other symptoms.
Like you couldn't move your legs, as though they were chained.
But you can move your legs all right, can't you? I'm not so sure.
He can't move his legs.
It's like they were chained.
Oh, no! Not another one! First Kelly! Then Johnson.
And now Oh, he's so young.
So young Oh, why? Why? Why? Lebeau is a bit emotional.
Don't pay any attention, sir.
As you said, it's just a cold.
( muffled groaning ) You're going to be okay, as long as you don't get the chills and shakes.
You're going to be okay.
What's happening? What is this? No.
No! So many books to be written, so many songs to be sung.
( groans ) It's nothing, sir.
Nothing.
As you said, it's just a cold.
Do you leave a family behind? ( groans ) Medic! HOGAN: Fire! ( yelps ) He's got such a fever, the bedding's on fire.
Don't worry about it, sir.
Afterward, we would have had to burn the bedding anyway.
Look out! Oh.
HOGAN: No, no, not yet! Don't look, sir.
Outside, outside! Later, later! If only we could notify someone, anyone.
( strained muttering ) Roger, I'll tell him.
London says if they're going to prepare for the attack, they've got to have that information now.
Tell them to stand by, Kinch.
I think Schmidt is just about ready to crack.
I'm going to go tell the fellows to prepare for Operation Reindeer.
Right.
This is Goldilocks.
Come in, Papa Bear.
* Jingle bells * Jingle all the way * Oh what fun it is to ride * * On a one horse open sleigh, hey * * Jingle bells, jingle bells * * Jingle all the way * * Hey, hey, hey * * Oh, what fun it is to ride * In a one horse open sleigh.
* What is those here? Christmas tree.
Christmas? But Christmas is three months away.
We wanted to be sure you had it.
( pitch pipe sounds note ) ( humming in harmony ) * Good King Wenceslas looked out * * On the Feast of Stephen * * When the snow lay round about * * Deep and crisp and even * ( humming ) Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
How am I doing? Excellent, Schultz, excellent.
Oh, it's the least I could do for him after I gave him such a bumpy ride.
The presents, fellas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, General.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Wait a minute.
Flowers? What kind of gift is that? Another day, and he'll be up to his ears in flowers.
Merry Christmas.
Who gave him the magazine? I did, Colonel.
What? Why don't you use your head, huh? What good is a magazine? There's no point in him starting any serials.
Take it easy, General.
You better leave.
No more excitement.
You guys are thoughtless.
Here's a poor, dying man, gasping for his last breath, lucky to live the night, and you guys are doing things to upset him.
Dying? Didn't mean to let that slip out.
You've got to get out of here somehow and get some help, sir.
Otherwise One more chorus, fellas.
( pitch pipe plays note ) ( humming ) * Good King Wenceslas looked out * All-All right.
* On the Feast of Stephen * Stop.
* When the snow * Stop! You must take a message for me.
Who to, General? To Major Umblicht.
He is in Yes? Yes? Heidelheim.
Heidelheim? ALL: Heidelheim.
* Heidelheim * Heidelheim * Heidelheim, Heidelheim * * Heidel, Heidel Heim * Are you sure the message will get through? That I can guarantee, General.
Hogan, how can I ever repay you? I've been thinking about that.
You know our Burgermeister talk? Yeah.
How about throwing in Cincinnati? I don't get it.
We break out of one prison camp, then the underground sends us here.
Simple, friend.
We act as a processing center for escapees.
We can prepare you better for your permanent break out of this country.
Yeah.
You, see while you are here, you're both going to assume the identities of two of our graduates who are ready for the big bust-out.
You're going to take the name of Walters, and you'll be Schmidt.
Or, uh, uh, Finnegan.
Yeah.
That way, nobody ever really seems to escape from here, right? Come on.
Come.
Fellows.
Look at it this way, General.
It's all for the best.
Walters will get you safely back to a nice cozy English prison, and inasmuch as your attack was wiped out, you can always say you were being held prisoner in an English prison camp.
We'd better get cracking.
Yeah.
Don't forget the I.
D.
papers, the money.
The lot.
Okay, good enough.
Go.
Uh, uh, General, uh, just one thing.
You just don't look right.
You're not going to convince anybody looking like that.
You've got to look like a German.
And remember, don't speak English.
Yeah.
Act like a German at all times.
Yeah.
And remember, Walters, keep after him.
You bet.
If he starts speaking English, remind him.
Good-bye, General.
It's been fun.
Lebeau will leave a light in the window.