Hot In Cleveland s01e06 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey.
So how was the farmers' market? Weird.
In L.
A.
, a farmers' market means Sushi, pate, and gelato.
This was just a bunch of stuff grown by farmers.
Your mother called, by the way.
- Oh, no.
- Did you tell her I was dead? Wait.
Whose mother called? - Melanie's.
- Oh, thank God.
She wants to come for a visit, and I told her this weekend would be good.
No! Why did you say that? Because I knew this would be your reaction.
You're fun to fluster.
Oh, come on, your mum's as sweet as pie.
All mine does is criticize me.
I like her already.
At least yours isn't insanely overprotective.
All my life my mom was afraid I'd get sick or hurt or lost.
Halloween--I was only allowed to trick-or-treat at two houses, mine and my grandparents.
And I had to wear my coat over my costume.
And then when I took the candy home, I had to throw it away, because there might be razorblades in it.
From your grandparents? My mother trusted no one.
Well, in my house, it was all about my father.
That man is monumentally self-absorbed.
Well, my-- joy, please, I am not finished.
He's just one of those actors who thinks the whole world revolves around him.
You know-- why is everyone interrupting me? My father and I argued about everything.
The last fight we had was about whether or not the gun was loaded.
Two days later, bam-o! Heart attack.
Oh, my God.
Your parents aren't gonna be around forever.
Bam-o! You know, I do owe my father a visit.
And I owe my mother a son-in-law and grandchild.
I know, because she reminds me every two minutes.
Well, my mother is coming.
So why don't you just invite your dad and your mom here? Oh, my mother would never step foot in this country.
That's why I moved here.
I could invite my father, but watch out.
I mean, he hits on everything that moves.
I like him already.
actually, I feel quite at home here in Cleveland.
When I last played the play house, I received six curtain calls and three hotel keys.
You know when I played honor st.
Raven-- it was a little gem called the tempest.
You know, Victoria could have done Shakespeare had she not squandered her talent on television.
She got fan favorite plaque from tv guide.
Not helping.
She was really very good on edge of tomorrow.
I don't watch that much television.
Of course not.
It doesn't have a mirrored surface.
Sorry about the drill.
My mom couldn't relax until she put a dead bolt on the back door.
So where were we? Curtain calls, comma, mine.
I believe I set my personal record at the broadhurst-- ten.
You remember, Victoria.
That was the night I invited your sorority sisters to my dressing room.
Yes, yes, I remembered that to various therapists for years to come.
You girls You were just asking to be robbed and murdered.
Oh, now, can I get you anything-- some more chips or--or a cocktail napkin? Ma, ma, ma, no, we just want more of you.
You haven't sat for two minutes.
Oh, no, no, no, let me do that.
It's hot.
Mmm, my favorite, hot spinach and breath dip.
- You look cold.
Are you cold? - No, I'm fine.
I'm going to get you my shawl.
I must say, melanie-- divorce becomes you, as it has me, several times.
And, joy, you look as lovely as ever.
Oh Thank you, Alex.
You look great too.
Oh, thank you.
I like to think I can still play the romantic lead.
I like to think I had a happy childhood.
Will you please stop smiling? I can't.
Deep down I feel bad for you, but everywhere else, I'm just so happy my mother's an ocean away.
There you are.
That's better.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks.
Now, will you please sit down? Oh, of course.
Oh! But first I have to give you your housewarming present.
Now, I didn't know what you needed, so I just brought you some sunscreen and a new rape whistle.
Gee, thanks.
'Cause nothing warms a home like a rape whistle.
Somebody's getting cranky.
Your blood sugar must be low.
Here, eat some cheese.
Oh, are you still having trouble with your irritable bowel? Her sister used to call her "smellanie.
" We used to call Victoria "sticktoria" Built like a boy.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so happy.
What just happened? I suddenly felt a chill.
It's almost like there's a sinister presence in the room.
Good news, joy-- your mother came after all.
She's my new Internet buddy.
Mother? Oh, dear God.
What's going on around your eyes? How did this happen? Elka video-messaged me back after you so rudely logged off on me the other day.
Well, you'd already criticized my hair, my clothes, and my posture.
I thought we were done.
You know, rejoyla, when you're snarky, something unfortunate happens to your face.
She knows.
I tell her all the time.
So this is where you two are hiding.
Yeah, I told my mom I smelled gas.
That should keep her busy for a while.
Oh, it's crazy, I know, but what, my father's been here two days, and I'm reverting to this 12-year-old needy little girl again.
Do you know I became an actress because I thought it would get his attention? I thought you said it was because the drama geeks had better drugs.
I didn't say it was the only reason.
Well, my mom hasn't let me leave the house since she got here.
It's my childhood all over again.
She just wants me to stay at home and eat.
- I was raised like a veal.
- Hmm.
That's better than being raised by a ham Who tries to pork everybody.
I don't know what you two are complaining about.
Your parents are leaving tomorrow.
Mine's gone viral.
You know, if I thought it would do any good, I would tell my father off.
He just wants what he wants when he wants it without any regard for how it might affect me.
Boy, I would just love to tell my mom how I really feel.
Why do Americans always feel that spewing their emotions will make them feel better? In britain, if we have a family dispute, we follow a time-honored tradition passed down from one generation to another.
What's that? We get rat-assed drunk.
I'll be back with more wine.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, you do the shot first, then the beer.
Brilliant.
Wait till I tell the garden club.
Oh, hi, joy.
I'll leave you two.
I've got work to do.
These tracksuits don't bedazzle themselves.
Hello, mum.
Darling, don't slouch.
I'm standing perfectly straight.
And that's just sad.
Speaking of sad, are you dating anyone? Bye, mum.
Having a bit of a dustup with the dear old mater? Oh, you know.
You don't have to tell me.
I intuit.
I also see someone in--in dire need of some tension reduction.
Here, let's get the ball rolling.
Oh, that's quite all right, Mr.
Chase.
Oh, please.
Alex.
Mr.
Chase is what it says on my dressing-room door.
Oh, hey, it's my good friend, your daughter, Victoria.
You have got to be kidding me.
I'll just go drink this on the porch.
Victoria-- daddy, I think it's time that you and I had a little talk.
- Where's Victoria? - Having a chat with her dad.
What happened to getting rat-assed drunk? It's too late for her.
We can only save ourselves.
I've sniffed everywhere--no gas.
But I'm a little concerned about radon.
Ma, you can't smell radon.
That's what concerns me.
Why don't you just go get dressed for dinner? Oh, why don't we just stay in? Ma, I already told you I would like to take you out to dinner.
I made reservations.
But it's getting dark.
And most car accidents happen at dusk.
Ma, you know what? You got to stop, 'cause you're driving me crazy.
Oh, uh, I'll just go drink this somewhere where people aren't.
I think we need to talk.
Oh, my God.
My skin is tingling.
- That was such a rush.
- I know.
My adrenaline is really pumping.
Do you think that burns calories? I feel like it does.
I'm gonna order fries.
First, I told I was upset because he hit on joy.
And that led to how he ignores my feelings and belittles my career.
And then I just went to town.
Me too! I told my mom no more dead bolts or rape whistles.
Being afraid is no way to live your life.
And then I turned it on her.
I said, "for once in your life, take a damn risk!" Yes, I said "damn" to my mother.
I said damn too.
I said, "listen, daddy.
"You keep your damn hands off my friends and start hitting on women your own age.
" You go, girl! Wait, do people still say that? No, I mean, drag queens maybe.
But I really appreciate the sentiment.
- Oh, where did you get that? - At the bar.
- Are you two still celebrating? - Yes, and it feels great.
You know what? You should try it with your mom, because if you don't tell her how you feel, she's not gonna change.
I keep telling you people never change.
That's why instead of confronting my mum, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.
- You don't seem that drunk.
- Oh, we English never do.
The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.
That doesn't sound very healthy.
Oh, I'm sure I'll die well before my time.
It's better than seeing the heartbroken look on my mum's face if I did tell her off.
My mom did seem a little crushed when I left.
Yeah, my dad seemed pretty upset, and I could tell it was real, because he didn't use any gestures or cheat to his good side.
I feel bad.
Me too.
My mom's probably at home in bed crying.
And daddy's probably feeling old And unloved.
We should go home and apologize.
Joy, do you need to pay for that? No.
It's free-hamburger night.
I just got it off the bar.
There's no such thing as free-hamburger night.
Oh, I suppose the missing bite should have tipped me off.
I guess I'm drunker than I thought.
Mom? Ma, you awake? Hey.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I just--I wanted to apologize about earlier.
Apology accepted.
You were absolutely right.
Uh, can we talk about this in the morning? Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, ma.
Oh, sweetie, you don't have to hug me.
Well, of course I want to hug you.
Is that a foot? I certainly hope so.
Actually, I've never been measured.
What is going on here? What are you doing? Nothing, yet.
No, no.
Nothing ever.
You're a married woman.
You're the one that told me to take a risk.
I meant like driving at night or eating something hot you don't blow on first.
I could say something, but I won't.
What's all the noise in here? Daddy, what are you doing? Exactly what you told me to do.
Loretta's not one of your friends.
She's my age.
Well, actually I'm-- - approximately.
I'm sorry.
I just need to not be here right now.
This is unbelievable.
And to think that I came here to apologize to you.
What's going on in here? Whoa, philipa, you called it.
How could you possibly think that this is what I was talking about? Rejoyla, move.
I can't see.
Well, look who's here.
Aren't we enchanting? Could you at least have the decency to wait until you're out of one friend's mother's bed before you hit on another one? Certainly move on quickly.
It wasn't an hour ago, you were giving me the old reach-around.
Maybe if you didn't slap on the makeup with a trowel.
I'd high-five you if I could.
I'm in shock.
I thought my parents had a happy marriage.
I thought my third husband was straight.
Well, you see what you want to see.
Psst.
Psst.
Over here.
- Mum? - Elka left me here.
We had a row.
She said you weren't very bright.
And I said you're extremely bright.
You're just lazy.
What's going on? Well, right now Alex and loretta are making the walk of shame down the hallway.
We'll give you four some privacy.
Melanie, I just feel terrible.
I hurt my little girl.
You know what? Maybe that's the problem-- 'cause I'm not your little girl anymore.
We're all adults, and this is a very adult situation.
So why don't we just talk to one another-- adult-to-adult.
Okay.
Well Your father and I haven't had sexual relations in years.
Okay.
And a woman Has needs.
True.
You see, I was merely scratching her itch.
In other words, you were taking advantage of her.
No.
I wanted it Badly.
Good to know.
Your father won't even get a prescription for erectile dysfunction.
Well, that's an issue I've never had to deal with.
I dare say I had more encores in the bedroom than I've had on the stage.
Oh, daddy, really? Ah, I-I-I'm sensing that's one of the "all about me" moments you were referring to before.
Ma, you know I know you're going through a tough time, but if you're really that unhappy with daddy, you need to talk to him.
You're right.
But you're also right about me needing to take more risks.
So when Alex came up behind me and cupped-- oh! Moving on.
I see you moving to a new city and going for what you want.
You're so brave.
I wanted to be like you.
Mom.
In hindsight, perhaps I might have been a bit more sensitive, taken your feelings into consideration a bit more before I so innocently flirted with your friends And their mothers.
Well, I suppose I could stay mad at you Or I could accept you the way you are, the way you've always been, and the way you will be until the day you die.
But I really do hope that you live forever, because I love you.
What a lovely speech.
Yes, I believe you delivered that to Dr.
Stewart Boyd on edge of tomorrow.
You did watch the show.
I've caught a few occasionally-- rubbish for the most part, but, uh, I must say Your scenes were quite moving.
Oh, thank you, daddy.
Americans are such saps.
All that emotional spillage.
Indeed.
We're good, right? Of course, my girl.
Good night, mum.
You're as drunk as I am, aren't you? I certainly am.
Ah.
Good evening.
Couldn't sleep.
Perhaps I'll have some hot milk.
I couldn't either.
I-I wanted to finish this, but my bedazzler keeps getting stuck.
Maybe I can help.
Let me see.
Really? Do you think I'm just another one of these silly women who can't resist your dime-store charm? My apologies.
I didn't say stop.