Housebroken (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Shel and I were
backyard sweethearts,
- soul mates.
- Gross. See ya.
- Sexual conquistadors.
- I'm back.
But then I got lost.
Maybe I can help you
find your way, wink, wink.
The journey back has been
long and hard.
Speaking of, do you know
what a cloaca is?
Would you like to see one?
But now, after 15 years,
I feel I'm almost home.
It's a seagull's pe
wait a minute.
It took you 15 years to get
from this yard to that yard?
Whoo!
Good thing you're hot.
And I never, ever gave up,
just like I'm sure
Shel never gave up on me.
And now, we can finally
be together!
Guess who's getting
married tomorrow? Me!
Eeeee
Oh, good.
Okay, you're done.
And we still have a few minutes
left of the session.
Sorry, I just can't believe
I'm about to marry
the shoe of my dreams,
but I confess, my excitement
for the impending nuptials
has turned me
into a bit of groom-zilla.
You call this a place setting?
Ew, tastes like garbage.
Sometimes those kind
of big emotions
are our way of burying doubts
we may have
about important life decisions.
Once again, Honey,
you've seen right through me.
- Keep talking.
- I have to confess.
I was up all night
wondering if I'm making
a big mistake with Lindsay
by having our wedding color
be forest green.
Is it too on the nose?
I was talking about
a bigger life decision.
- Anyone else want to jump in here?
- Shel, I'm sorry.
I can't come
to your bachelor party.
I have to stay home
and take care of the kittens.
Their real bummer is, Kevin's
being a total deadbeat dad
not helping to raise
these little trouble makers.
You think your human, Kevin,
is the father?
Well, I've gone over
all the possible scenarios
of how this miracle pregnancy
could have happened.
Oh, hey, dude. You want
to do that thing again?
Growl.
- Yeah, it's got to be Kevin.
- I have a request.
Honey, you've always been there
for Lindsay and me.
So would you do us the honor
of officiating our wedding?
- Oh, Shel
- I know you're not legally licensed,
but you're not legally licensed
to be a therapist either,
and we've been doing
great work here.
- Mm
- It got me where I am today.
Oh, it has?
Oh, dear.
Okay, Shel, before I can agree
to officiate,
we'll need to set
a premarital couple's session
for you and Lindsay.
Oh, we'll be having several,
and you're more than welcome to join.
- I mean couple's counseling.
- Oh. Well, the offer still stands.
I won't lie to you, Honey.
We find it a little silly to
have to jump through this hoop.
I obviously haven't been
this happy in, what, 15 years?
- Since about the time Darla left?
- Yes, but that's history,
and what could be healthier
than moving on?
Hmm, fair enough.
Lindsay, how are you feeling
about your relationship
right now?
She didn't come here
to be interrogated!
Besides, I know what's
in her heart and I know
I'm going to be the happiest
tortoise in the universe
when I see her
walking down the aisle.
Hold on. You expect her
to walk down the aisle.
Of course.
Okay, Honey.
This is your chance.
He'll thank you in the future.
And so on
this happy occasion,
in front of my family
and secret family,
I want to thank the wise
yet humble dog
who helped me accept reality
all those years ago
when a certain shoe bride
failed to walk down the aisle,
my therapist and commander, Honey.
Thank you, Shel.
I just wanted you
to have real love
with somebody
who loved you back.
But we have an incursion
in the Delta Quadrant.
Prepare to engage.
Move out!
This is for all the pets
who died
before we could live forever!
Shel, Lindsay,
I would love to facilitate
the merging of your bio force
- I mean, to officiate your wedding.
- Huzzah!
And, of course, tradition holds
that you'll also throw
her bachelorette party.
- I don't think that's
- Wonderful. I'll just leave her here.
"Hello, welcome to the wedding
of Shel and Lindsay,
or as I like to call her,
the Can't Runaway Bride."
Pause for laughs.
Oh, wait, I shouldn't start out
with a joke that strong.
I'll save it for when Shel's
ready to laugh about this.
"What is love?
Is love a verb? Is it a noun?"
Yeah, you're
you're losing 'em, Honey.
- You want some help?
- Really?
I'd like that, yeah.
What would you say about love?
Love love is a feeling.
It's like
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I think I do,
- but how would you phrase that?
- It's like
Does that make sense?
I mean, I get it,
but I'm just not sure
everyone else at the wedding
is going to understand.
I mean, there's going to be
birds there, so
yeah, I'll figure it out.
You go have fun.
Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah.
Tonight's bachelor party
is gonna be like
You know?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean,
the bachelorette party
is going to be
Bow chicka wow wow bop ♪
Okay, well, now you're
just talking gibberish.
Okay, everyone ready?
- Tonight is gonna be full of surprises.
- I knew you were my guy.
Well, I'll tell you what's
really full of surprises:
the trash cans outside
of Nicky Cage's house.
Got you again, Jeffrey!
Oh, "Moonstruck" feels like
a lifetime ago.
Multiple trash cans.
Must be nice.
Okay, fellas, you ready
for some chills and thrills?
Good news, fellas.
Kevin gave away all my kittens,
so now I'm free to hang out.
Dude, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Yeah, it was a lot of work.
Bachelor party!
Whee!
Now, you're probably wondering
why we met in the woods.
Because you have
a sinister plan
- and don't want any witnesses?
- What? What?
No!
We came out here to
fast boom-booms, Tchotchke.
Lick toad.
Gentlemen, this is Cane.
Cane, these are the boys.
Now, licking Cane will set us
all up for a wild night.
Ah, I love licking things.
I'm equal part terrified
and scared.
All right, settle down.
First timers, listen close.
Everyone gets one lick.
You will see and feel things
that may or may not be real.
Now, let's get started.
I have a gender reveal
for a couple of lizards
in about an hour.
All right, party boy, you're up.
I'm a little nervous.
This is my first non-sexual licking.
I don't feel any
Blast off!
Blast off!
Enjoy your trip.
Thank you. Next?
Whoa.
Well, that's interesting.
Oh, I see.
It's dopamine.
- Whoa, so trippy.
- You didn't lick me.
I don't trust that raccoon.
He's always got
his weird little fingers
in everybody's pies.
Oh! Am I made
of moonlight and whispers?
Ooh, you taste familiar.
Were you in Ibiza in 2016?
Hey, slow down, buddy.
- I get paid by the lick.
- Oh, about that.
- Okay, I'll send an invoice!
- You know what?
Let's just put
our schemes, scams,
and animal trafficking side
hustles on hold for the night.
I knew it!
Everybody heard that, right?
Quiet, pretty baby.
Mwah.
Because this is beautiful.
This old freak is marrying
the love of his life tomorrow.
Must be nice.
Ah!
Oh, Lindsay.
Thank you for coming to
Lindsay's bachelorette party!
We're just a rowdy gang
of fun-loving
female identifying animals
and Diablo.
Thanks for letting me join, guys.
I just didn't want to wander
into the forest at night.
Fake party for shoe with dog
in sweater in tool shed.
I've reached my bottom.
Yeah, I know it's unorthodox,
but I promised Shel.
Besides, we don't get
a lot of chances to whoop it up
outside of group, okay?
So let's just get through it,
and when Shel asks
if we had fun,
we can say yes and mean it.
Whoo!
What would be fun is, we disappear
the shoe once and for all.
Enough with horny tortoise
and his delusions.
Yeah, let's just throw her
in the trash
and get jacked up on this fertilizer.
No! This is not how you
throw a bachelorette party,
- but I know someone who can help.
- Wait, what?
Howdy, y'all.
I'm Cowgal Elsa,
and this ain't my first rodeo.
- I sense a new low is coming.
- Do you hear that knocking?
I think there's someone
at the door.
Ooh, I wonder who it is.
Hey, that's one of Jill's
groove restoration boots.
No, it's a handsome drifter's
cowboy boot.
He just rolled into town,
and I think he's got his eye
on you, Lindsay.
- Okay, maybe it's time to call it.
- No! No.
This this shindig's
just getting started.
Bachelorette parties are
about games designed to
put you on the spot and
succumb to peer pressure.
So, Honey, truth or dare?
- Uh, dare.
- Kiss the boot.
No, I don't want to end up
on the Internet.
- Anyone else want to try?
- I'm allergic to suede.
- Somebody kiss the freaking boot!
- Do I have to do everything?
Fine, I'll kiss the boot.
Kiss the boot!
Kiss the boot!
I just can't believe
I'm doing this.
Hi, I'm Elsa.
Are you ready?
Oh, my God, you guys,
that is so unlike me.
But it felt so right.
Don't get any ideas.
I licked him first.
Okay, Honey still owes us a dare.
I dare you to throw Lindsay
in the outside trash can.
- Yeah!
- What?
Rules are rules.
Let's throw Lindsay away for good.
Gentlemen, it's Shel's
last night as a bachelor.
So let's make it one to remember
and give it up for Amberconda!
- Ah! A cucumber?
- Relax, it's just a snake.
Oh, my God!
It's a snake!
- You must be the lucky guy.
- Hello, there. I'm Shel.
- Sheldon for long.
- Hey, there, Shelly. I'm Amber.
I'm gonna take
good care of you.
You are?
What are you doing?
- Just relax.
- What are we watching?
She appears to be
in the process of molting.
Dude, are you smart now?
I guess that's why I'm
finding the objectification
of this lady of the garden
somewhat problematic.
Are you having a good time?
I mostly see heat,
not facial expressions.
I'm completely gobsmacked.
Thank you, and I enjoy
the way you move
and that you can move
and talk and breathe.
My fiancée does
none of those things.
Oh, she sounds great.
Congratulations.
Push her in!
Push her in!
Well, this is not
what I meant when I said
- I wanted us to have fun.
- Wait!
Well, at least we have
to make sure she's dead,
or she could come back
and haunt us forever.
- I say we eat her face.
- Oh, no. I can't look.
Maybe we just bury her now
and deal with her ghost later.
How about that?
Listen, if we remove
the object of Shel's affection,
then he could just transfer
that love to something else.
- Who cares?
- Push her in.
Okay, push her in.
- She's trash!
- Haha.
Yay.
Who knew fun could be
this uncomfortable?
Oh, look how clear the Big
Poop Scooper is tonight.
Humans used to use the stars
to guide their ships
across the oceans.
Now they use them to make
ill-advised decisions
about their careers
and relationships.
I want to see the stars too.
Somebody flip me.
Wow. Gents, am I fooling
myself with Lindsay?
Licking that toad
and canoodling with that snake
has shined a light
on some things
that perhaps I've not been
allowing myself to see.
Maybe Lindsay is really
just a shoe.
- Well, what if she is?
- Then she's not real.
- What's real?
- Consequences, man.
Oh, exactly.
No, no, actually, what is real?
- Mama?
- Oh, hey, you guys.
I hope you all found your Kevins.
Bye.
Huh, closure.
You know what is real?
Your love for Lindsay.
I've never seen you so happy.
I just don't know
if it makes sense anymore.
- It never made sense.
- Bigger!
It never made sense!
Honey and I don't make sense,
but sense has
nothing to do with love.
I mean, what holds
this universe together?
Probably the same thing
that holds two hearts together.
It's magical.
It's unique for everybody.
Yeah, and besides,
you can always get out of it.
- She's a shoe.
- Gentlemen, I must take my leave
to articulate my newfound
comprehension of love to Honey.
She's going to dig smart me.
I bid you all adieu-doo.
Adieu.
Uh-oh, it's fading.
Thank you, my friends.
You've given me
a lot to think about.
Oh, my God.
I am covered in fur.
You're all so vulnerable
and honest and real.
I want to be real.
I want to take off this mask
and show you guys
who I really am.
Hey, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man.
Why do they make everything
so hard to open?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Stop it.
I can't be here.
Love is magic, and like magic,
it's better left ah!
Love is love is
Oh, no!
I thought that was kind of funny.
Pull it together, man!
You were briefly better than this!
I hate throwing parties.
No one ever helps you clean up.
- Ow. Ow!
- Oh, my God! Lindsay?
I knew it was you.
Honey, I got it!
Love is um gah!
Love is magic?
No, wait, it had something
to do with the universe
and all the stuff
that makes one big thing.
Uh-huh.
And, and, and
and what is real for some
nope, nope, that's not it, no.
Sorry, I lost it.
I should have
licked that toad again.
- You licked a toad?
- His name was Cane.
He was so nice.
I don't feel good.
Love is
This is such a great night.
I am so glad I didn't
sell you guys to that bear,
which is 100%
what I was gonna do.
Never trust me. You hear me?
Never trust me.
Do you guys want
to go to Tijuana?
- Someone's coming.
- Let's get out of here.
So we're just ignoring
the bear thing?
Good evening, Tammy.
Oh, you got bangs.
Oh, that's fun.
How did Lindsay get here?
I told you the only way
to make sure
that something is fully
dead is to eat the face!
She's unkillable.
In the old country,
we have name
for creatures like her:
- Barbara.
- Is she prettier than me?
Don't answer that.
Let's just get through this
wedding and we'll talk tonight.
Well, this is it.
Shel's big day.
And we'll be here for him,
ready to pick up the pieces
of his shattered heart.
I love weddings.
- Prepare to engage.
- Thanks, Tchotch.
Raccoon, you're alive!
Oh, thank goodness!
Wouldn't miss this for the world.
- Are you feeling okay?
- Yeah, sure, but apparently
I had a 0.02% blood toad level.
Oh, yeah!
Hey, Shel.
You sure you want
to go through with this?
Now that I'm sober, it seems
like a whacked out idea.
Classic Raccoon.
I can't wait for your speech.
Thank you for doing this.
- It's the only way.
- Ominous. Save it for the ceremony.
Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for joining us today
to celebrate Shel and Lindsay.
Come to me, my love.
Come on, Lindsay.
I'm right here.
- What do we do?
- Just vamp.
Maybe you should walk to her,
I don't know.
- Honey, she's not moving.
- Shel, I'm so sorry.
I know this is going
to be hard, but over time
oh, wait, here she comes.
Wait, what?!
She's walking!
Are you seeing this?
I knew she could do it!
Uh-huh.
What's happening?
- Barbara!
- It's so beautiful!
Wow, this is magical.
I'm gonna stray
from my prepared remarks.
Whichever's shorter!
You know, no matter how smart
we think we are,
we may never understand love.
I once heard it has something
to do with the universe
and all the stuff
that makes one big thing.
- We can all see
- Shel?
Darla?
Lindsay! Honey?
- Don't rope me into this.
- Darla.
What's going on here?
Well, he was about
to marry a shoe.
I I'm overwhelmed
with emotion.
And here come the tears.
I don't know what to do here.
What do I do?
What do I do?
You know what?
You should all probably go.
This is going to take a while.
- Congratulations.
- Bye. Thank you.
Eh, this isn't the worst
wedding I've been to.
Anyone remember Renee Zels
and Kenny Chess?
- Exactly.
- Technically, we played the gig,
so what about those worms?
- Got my animals?
- I got something better.
This is Cane.
He's gonna show you a wild night.
All right, settle down.
First timers, listen close.
Everyone gets one lick
What did you do?
What's the big deal?
I just blast off!
Oof!
Oof, thank you, man.
Crazy bear.