How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Being in a new relationship is great, but everyone has a past.
And back when I was young, technology had a way of bringing that past into the present.
So, after I took the kid's phone, I turn around and said, "Not on my school bus.
" That is so funny! Big laugh for a boring story, followed with a little arm squeeze.
You guys are, like, really into each other, huh? Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Drushi! Oh, that's what we called Drew in college because his dorm room always smelled like fish.
I didn't know you were coming to town.
Yeah, I convinced my attending to clear my surgeries for the weekend, so we could check out some wedding venues.
Mm-hmm! Guys, I think we found the perfect venue.
Creation at Wicker Farm.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's this gorgeous hotel restaurant upstate.
We're gonna spend the weekend there, do a tasting, and they told us we can invite two extra people.
So Yes! In! I am creating a road trip playlist as we speak.
Text me the route because I want Life Is a Highway to kick in the moment we pull onto an actual highway? Huh? We were gonna ask Sophie and Drew.
Sophie and Drew just started dating.
I'm not sure they're ready for a weekend getaway.
They've been dating for a month.
- No, I know, I know.
- It's just that, you know, uh, a weekend getaway's a big step, and I'm sure these two don't want that just sprung on them like that.
We're in! - Oh great! - Good.
Fantastic.
Oh good Jesse, this is like a couple's thing, you know? You're a lone wolf.
Cool euphemism for pathetically single.
But, actually, you're way off, okay? I just started seeing this totally awesome girl named Mia.
And I like her so much, I've even come up with one of those cute little punny couple names for us.
Mia and Jesse.
We're Messy.
Hello, customers! I hope you all like beer because I forgot what you actually ordered.
Hey, Charlie, here's a copy of your start papers and your passport.
No idea why I photocopied it because you working here is, like, completely illegal.
Man! You've been everywhere.
You were in Brazil six months ago? Yes.
On a family trip.
I dated a Brazilian once.
I didn't speak Portuguese, he didn't speak English, so we had to speak with our bodies, and those conversations went deep.
- Hoo-yeah! - Another charming tale.
I do love it when you casually work your previous sexual exploits into conversation.
It's such fun! Oh, Charlie! First paycheck.
New job.
New apartment.
I'm going to throw a lavish housewarming dinner party this weekend to celebrate my many accomplishments.
Ellen.
You can invite that lucky lady who swiped your post-divorce V-card last week.
What? No, no, no.
I-I'm not inviting her.
Alright, fine.
Just us then.
Sorry to miss it.
Sid and I are actually taking a weekend trip with Drew and Stacey.
Sophie.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
It's okay.
Who is Stacey? My ex was named Stacey.
Uh, we hung out with Sid and Hannah a lot when we were together, hence the mix-up.
Oh.
Sorry.
Won't happen again.
Already forgotten about it.
I can't stop thinking about it! Like, I need to know who this Stacey girl is, but I have no idea how to find her! And I found her.
What? How? Simple.
Sid is friends with Hannah, so I found her account, went to her tagged photos, scrolled back until I found a pic of Hannah with a Staceycakes92 where both S's are dollar signs.
But Staceycakes is obvi gay, so I started looking for girls who comment on Hannah's posts a lot, and found a Stacey Fletcher, who always says Hannah's outfits are fire.
So, I clicked on her IG, scrolled back a couple of years, and boomshakalakaboom.
Sophie meet Stacey, or Stacey circa two years ago when she was dating Drew.
How many boardwalks did they eat ice cream on? This is not what I needed to see right before Drew and I have sex for the first time.
You haven't had sex yet? So, that's why you nerds were so giggly about your romantic weekend.
Yeah.
And I like that we waited.
Plus, doing it for the first time in a bougie-ass hotel is romantic as balls.
Now, I'm just gonna be comparing myself to Stacey the whole time and thinking about how she can roller skate backwards in a sun dress.
Soph, everyone has exes.
Do not get in your head about this.
Repeat after me.
I am sex.
I am sex.
Louder.
I! Am! Sex! I! Am! Sex! We get it! You're sex! Shut the hell up! Voilà! A dining table.
Ellen, are we eating on Amazon boxes covered in your unicorn bed sheets? Pottery Barn Kids is way cheaper than Pottery Barn regular.
Is that all the food? Unfortunately, yes.
I may have overestimated how far a bartender's paycheck would go.
Why didn't you just buy cheaper stuff? - Cheaper stuff? - What do you want me to do, serve chunks of pepper jack and pigs in a blanket? This is the first dinner we're hosting, Ellen.
Tonight will set the tenor for our entire social lives.
Dude, we're eating dinner with my brother and your girlfriend on a table made of boxes.
Oh my god, they're here already! Alright, Ellen.
Remember, we are the hosts.
If we're having fun, they're having fun.
Ready? Hello! Ellen was just telling me the most winning of anecdotes.
Come in! Come in! Uh, guys, this is Mia.
Mia, this is Charlie, and this is my sister Ellen.
Mia.
Hi.
It is so nice to meet you.
For the first time.
Oh, is that real leopard? No, this is a shirt with a design on it.
Still, how would you feel if I had your skin printed on a shirt? Mia is an activist.
She's really passionate about her causes, which I find to be really inspiring.
Mia! I would like to give you the tour.
Uh This is the living-dining-kitchen- guest-bed-breakfast-nook-foyer-room, and over here is Hello, Mia.
Hello, woman who never responded to my many voice texts after using me for sex.
- Shh - Oh, it is you! I was drinking an iced coffee, and you shouted at me for using a straw even though it actually was made of paper.
Shh! Look, I think it would be best if Jesse doesn't find out - we - Oh, I'm not comfortable lying.
I leave that to the politicians.
Please.
He's coming off a really bad breakup.
If he finds out that the first girl he's been into since his ex slept with his sister it'll scar him for life.
Plus, this is our first social event together, and a brother and sister having shared a lover is a bit unseemly.
Fine.
I'll keep your secret, but only because I would never want to hurt Jesse.
You are lucky I'm an empath.
Disaster averted.
Now, shall we give everyone their one oyster? Welcome to Creation at Wicker Farm.
I'm Grant Rose.
The owner.
- Uh, yeah, no, I could tell.
- Um, I own a bar in Manhattan.
We both have BOE Big owner energy.
Creation is the world's first hyper-local restaurant.
All of our food is sourced from the farm, but everything else you see here was also made from materials found on the property.
Wow! So, the-the entire building? Built from cedar trees from the forest behind us.
What about the host? You didn't make him? Actually, I did.
He's my son! Oh! Conceived in the room you're actually staying in.
Kinda gross.
This place is super romantic.
Hope our room has the same vibe.
I know it will 'cause we're staying in it.
I am sex Wait a sec.
He took Stacey here.
What nerd created this devil app? I am very excited for this risotto.
Why? You had it before? - No, just hungry.
- Oh.
I only ask because I-I saw you walk to the bathroom, and it seemed like you really knew your way around.
Hm.
Well, I've never been here, but I'm glad to know you like to watch me walk away.
I like cute butts, and I cannot lie.
Sid, I am definitely picking up on your BOE.
Oh my god, BOE is happening What made you decide to open your own place? Well, I grew up in India, and like all good Indians, my dad and I spent our afternoons watching movies about New York City.
So, my family moved to New York, I studied hard, got into med school.
That's where Hannah and I met.
She was born to be a doctor.
Me? Not so much.
But, I did love the bar where I spent hours and hours studying, and I loved the man who owned it.
Archie.
And then one day Archie passed away, and suddenly, what I had to do was crystal clear.
So, I took out a loan and bought the bar.
It was a big swing, but felt like the right decision And, uh, Hannah supported me the entire time.
Hm.
Of course I did.
Wow, what an incredible story.
And equally incredible, our lobster risotto with an edible fork made of focaccia.
Wait a second.
- Everything okay? - Mm-hmm! BRB.
- I remember those sheets - Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Everyone, please pluck one leaf and pass it to the left.
So, a pluck and pass.
Give it a go.
I tell you, I do feel sorry for Sophie and Sid.
They are missing the party of the century.
I said one leaf, Mia.
I hope Sophie's doing okay.
She was really in her head about Drew's ex before she left.
I wish she was more Zen.
Like Charlie.
He doesn't care at all when I talk about my exes.
No, not at all.
Now, is anyone following the Polo Premier League? My relationship history is an open book.
Books, actually.
And it's a long one.
Actually, Valentina, I hate it, alright? Really? Why? I wouldn't care if you talked about your exes at all.
Alright, fine.
Remember when you were looking through my passport, and I said I went to Brazil on a family trip? Well, I lied.
I went there for a girl.
Ooh So, you had a fling with a woman in Brazil.
Good for you.
Actually, it was a bit more than that.
I moved to Brazil to be with her.
Ooh Oh.
So, I'm not the only woman you've moved to another country for.
Cool.
Fun.
More wine, anyone? Let's prove you're lying, you lying liar.
Ha! I knew it.
Of course, Stacey's handwriting's in cursive.
We get it.
You're smart.
And that is the entire Wikipedia entry on colonialism.
Wow.
Wow.
Hey, just a few of super-chill follow-up questions to that fun story you told about the Brazilian girl Valentina, I was just proving a point that nobody likes to hear about exes.
Okay? No need to dwell on it.
I don't care that you have exes.
I care that, apparently, you moved across the world - for another girl.
- Girls, okay? It's happened more than once.
What?! Jesse? I don't want our relationship to start on a lie like theirs did.
I slept with your sister.
- What?! - Damn it! That dinner was amazing.
I mean, I think we found our venue, huh? Did you just rent a movie without asking me which one? What? I got the Eternals because your celebrity crush is buff Kumail Nanjiani.
Hold up.
You definitely have a type.
I cannot believe you just made another decision without consulting me! Okay, this is not about the movie, is it? No, Sid.
This is about you quitting medical school, so you could upend our lives and buy a bar.
I thought I was past it, but hearing you tell that story tonight, it just brought up all these old feelings in me.
I never would have made a decision like that without talking to you.
Hannah, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but, like, what's done is done.
"What's done is done"? That's what you have to say? What's done is done please? I am gonna freshen up real quick, so our night can begin.
That was so lame.
Can I take that back? Uh-huh.
Great.
See you soon.
You're an idiot! Be sexier.
Well, Drew definitely brought Stacey here, and he's lying to me about it.
Are you drunk? The only thing I'm drunk on is hard truth.
I'm sending you proof.
Did you get it? Not yet.
Oh, no.
I meant to DM you, but instead, I DMed Stacey.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, she's definitely gonna reach out to Drew and tell him I'm crazy! Almost as crazy as someone who follows women around the world, like a horny Carmen San Diego! So, what are you going to do about Drew? Something stupid.
Hey, there Sophie? What are you doing out here? I screwed up.
What are you doing out here? I screwed up, too.
Oh! Ooh, seems like you screwed up more.
Oh, you screwed up more! Ha, ha! Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this.
Uh when exactly did the two of you sleep together? Monday night.
When did you guys meet? Tuesday morning.
I met her at a coffee shop on my way to your place.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, that timeline is, uh chill.
You know what, I'm not gonna let a quirky coincidence stand in the way of me and my relationship.
Wow, you must be amazing in bed.
- She's just okay.
- I haven't actually slept with her yet.
Oh my god! So let's do a deep dive here on the old passport.
I say a country, you say why you went there.
- Portugal.
- Girl.
- Spain.
- Tapas.
It was a girl.
Hey, what's your Wi-Fi? I need to tweet a bomb threat to Panera Bread for their appropriation of poppy seeds.
How do you appropriate a seed? Oh, if you don't know, you're part of the problem.
- I can't do this anymore.
- Mia, you are the worst.
Finally! How did you not see it earlier? - I saw it! - I'm just trying to power through 'cause I'm so sick of being single! It should be me at that dinner tonight.
Because you miss hanging out with Sid and Hannah, or because you wanna be with Sophie? What? The first one, obviously.
I don't know who any of those people are.
I'm outtie.
- I'm gonna go, too, Charlie.
- Look, please don't leave like this.
Look, I-I swear you're not just part of some pattern.
Alright, this time, it really is diff I don't believe you.
What am I gonna do? I need to get into Drew's phone to delete Stacey's texts before he sees them and realizes I did something crazy! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What just happened? - Hm.
Why did the texts disappear? Yeah, Drew probably read them on his laptop.
This is so unfair! He's the one who lied about being here, and now, I look like the psycho.
Okay, Sophie I don't know exactly what's going on with you and Drew, but you don't need to worry about Stacey.
Stacey's just an ex.
Everyone has an ex.
Not me.
I mean, I've dated a ton of guys, but I've never actually been in a serious relationship.
It always fizzles out before it gets to that point.
Well, at least you don't steamroll your partner by making major life decisions without consulting her.
Is that why you're out here, buying an apology Kit Kat from the vending machine? Guilty.
Yeah, apparently Hannah hasn't forgiven me for derailing our life plan by buying a bar without asking her.
Why didn't you? Ask her? I don't know.
I spent the first 27 years of my life trying to make my parents happy.
Then I met Hannah, I wanted to make her happy, too.
And with the bar, I just finally wanted to do something that would make me happy.
And I knew if I didn't just, like, propel my body to that bank and apply for that loan, I'd end up chickening out.
You know? Do you think if you had asked Hannah first, that she wouldn't have supported you? Ah, she would have.
Definitely would have.
Messed up.
Hey, I know it's super scary to go all-in on a relationship.
And, from what I know about your childhood, you probably feel like the rug could be ripped out from under you at any second.
Yeah.
I do.
But, if it's the right person things can work out.
I promise.
- Let's go talk to our people.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey! Hey, now! You're seriously gonna go back there without a peace offering Kit Kat? You really haven't been in a relationship.
Listen.
I have known for a very long time that I've had to escape from my petty, stifling family.
And, yes, I have often followed women across the world as a way of doing that.
But it's never felt right.
Until now.
And I've figured out how I'm gonna prove it to you.
What are you doing?! I'm proving to you that you are not just part of some pattern.
I'm not going anywhere, Valentina.
Oh my god, this is really hot! What the hell is your passport made out of?! I soaked it in lighter fluid on the way over.
I was going for high drama! That was sweet.
Look, just so you know, I wouldn't usually spiral in such a lame basic way about you having exes.
There were extenuating circumstances.
What were they? I love you.
I love you, too.
From now on, I want you to be a part of every big life decision I make until we die together at 98.
Mid-penetrayshe.
Thank you.
But you know, I don't wanna die mid-penetrayshe.
I want us to die drinking Cadillac margaritas on safari because our IRAs are so well-funded.
Well, both of those things can be true.
Man, we are gonna ruin so many people's safari.
I'm sorry.
Me first.
I'm sorry I stole your phone and called your ex a bitch.
And I'm sorry for lying to you about having been here.
I just didn't want to explain how I got into, like, a huge blowout fight with Stacey at the same place we're having a romantic weekend.
According to the Gram, and the guest book, you guys had the best night of your lives.
You even did that thing where you touch index fingers with your thumb, so you can make a heart.
That's hard to do.
My god, do I have early-onset arthritis? Can I show you something? Zoom in on her sunglasses.
Yeah, we got into a huge fight at dinner about how 90% of our relationship was spent posing for photos.
It was the worst trip ever, and I went to Fyre Festival.
Stupid Ja Rule.
Well, I know how we can turn this place from a bad memory into a good one.
And right there, in that hotel room, he - Mom! - What? Can you please not graphically describe your sex life to me? Prude!