How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s01e06 Episode Script

Right, I'm staying at Karl's tonight.
What?! You have a house, Karl Huh! I thought you lived here - Bye, Don.
See you later.
Being in love with Abby has made me boring.
I used to go out all the time, partying.
Recently I've just stayed in, watching telly.
Oh, I know We should have sex tonight.
Wouldn't that make things quite awkward between us? Not with each other, you douche bag.
Listen, if you were the last living thing on this planet You still wouldn't want to make sex with me.
I know, I know I've heard it all before.
- I wasn't going to say that.
I was going to say if you were the last living thing, then maybe I would.
I'm not homophobic, Eddie.
I just need a very good reason.
But you're not the last living thing, are you? There are thousands of women out there.
All we need to do is find ourselves two sexy chick-lets, bring them back here and have pointless sex with them.
That way, I think I might feel better about myself.
I think I'll just stay in, thanks.
Come on, Eddie, baby.
You and me in the saddle together, yeah? - It's not really my thing.
What? Pulling some horny babies and bringing them here for sexy intercourse isn't your thing? What are you, gay? Hang on ARE you gay? We've never talked about this.
I'm not homosexual, Don, no.
Well, then, that's settled.
You and I out on the pull, eh? This is going to be a great laugh.
Ah, yes.
This is more like it.
On the pull.
It's been ages since I've been out picking up chick-lets.
Hey! You all right? Hey! Ah, this was a good idea of mine.
This is wonderful.
Look! All these fit honeys.
Great! Now, I want us to play this cool, OK? I don't want us looking like a pair of pricks, OK? Hey, 1 2 o'clock.
Oh, yeah, getting some looks.
Right, got the eye of the tiger.
The thrill of the fight.
I'm gonna go in, all right? I will bring us back a pair of females and a packet of sheaths.
What flavour do you want? - Erprawn cocktail.
OK.
See you in a bit.
Bye.
Ertwo milks, please.
You don't mind if I join you, do you? I'm not the sort of guy that comes out with cheesy one-liners, sowho fancies a screw? Do you wanna come back to my place? Which one of us are you talking to? - The one that says yes.
I'm not just talking to you cos you're the sluttiest-looking girls here.
Do you fancy going halves on a bastard? Do you have any STDs? No! - Good.
Do you mind getting one? Yeah, well, maybe it's not me who's the cock.
Hey! What's that you're drinking? - Milk.
Would you like some? Milk? What, like a white Russian? No, like milk.
You know, from cows' udders.
Who are you here with? Oh, ummy friend, Don.
I look after him.
- You look after him? He looks old enough to look after himself.
Hey! How's it going? Either of you two fancy going halves on a bastard? Is he a retard? Umkind of.
I'm Fiona, by the way.
Oh, Eddie.
I tell you what, the girls in here are weird.
No-one seems up for anything.
Hey.
I just wish women were more like men, you know? Oh, as in I wish they didn't have standards.
I don't mean I wish women had beards and balls.
Just be patient, yeah? So, what's your name? Oh, um, Don, this is Fiona.
Fiona, Don.
What, you two know each other?! - Yeah, we just met.
Oh, look, don't take the piss out of him.
He's a good guy, really.
- I'm not.
What do you mean? I mean, he may not be the coolest cat in here, but that's no reason to taunt him.
Er, Donshe wasn't taunting me.
We were just chatting.
Weren't we? Really? - Yeah, yeah.
It was nice.
Yeah.
We were also enjoying watching you at work.
Well, some people just don't see a good thing when it's right in front of them.
I can.
Yeah? - Yes.
Yeah, well, Edward baby and me, we're a bit autistic when it comes to pulling.
It has to be even numbers.
So unless you've got a cute friend to create a foursome, I'm afraid I do, as it happens.
Yeah? - Mm.
I think she might like you.
Yeah? - Yeah.
She's got absolutely shocking taste in men.
Hang on.
Hey, it looks like we might be on to a winner here.
She's quite nice, isn't she? - Who? Her? Nah.
A bit too clever-clever for my liking.
I think she's nice.
Listen, if my one is in any way, shape or form attractive, let's take them back to the ranch, pronto.
Scrap that.
Even if she's not attractive, let's go back to the ranch.
Hey, meet my friend, Jemima.
- Hello.
Hi.
First impressions? - Cute.
Bingo! Now, listen, whatever I say or do in the next couple of hours, please just keep remembering your first impressions of me, yeah? Um, we were thinking of heading back to the ranch, which I think means Don's house.
Do you want to come along? Yeah.
Um, could I have four tequila shots, please? No offence, I just don't want to remember this tomorrow.
No offence taken.
Only I drink Samuel Buca.
Oh, no, sorry.
These are for me.
Right, put on some protection.
- What, like elbow pads? Urgh, shut up.
It's not that funny.
Do you have condoms? Oh, what?! I don't have to wear a love-cape, do I? Yes.
Now talk less and do more.
Oh, don't worry, it's not contagious.
Actually, you don't mind if I quickly call my mum, do you? Right, be warned - last time I had sex, I did a bit of bum rubbish mid-orgasm.
Do you mind if I call you by my ex-girlfriend's name while we're doing it? Do you mind if I call you Alan while we're doing it? You don't mind if I re-use an old one, do you? It's just, I'm environmentally conscious.
Eugh! Yeah, I'm a eunuch.
Cool, eh? D'you want to feel? Smooth.
So, can I, erget you anything? A drinklette? Tea? Coffee? A snacklette? A corned-beef panini? Er, I should probably pop upstairs and see if they need something.
- Shhh.
It's just that they might need post-coital orange segments or something.
I don't see why you can't live with me.
If it bothers you that much, I don't know why you come back in the first place.
Oh, that's just Don's flatmate and Cock-face.
How many shirts are you wearing? - Four.
Ah, yeah! - Ah, yeah! Tweak my nipples.
Like that? - Ah, yeah.
I like that.
Shhh.
Shut up! - Don't tell me to shut up! Shut up! - What's that? It's Abby and the freak.
Don, this isn't making me feel very sexy.
Shut up! They're really arguing.
This could be a massive leap forward.
God, sod this! I'm off.
- Sorry.
Ah, yes! Lick it! Ah! Ah! Ah, yes! Ow, ow! Ow, my face! - Quiet! I can't hear them.
Ow, you're freaking me out now.
Ow! Do you get off on listening to people argue during sex, or are you such a massive busybody you can't resist listening? Which answer would make me seem less weird? I just don't see why you can't move in with me, that's all.
We have been through all of this.
Do you really enjoy living here that much? Yes, actually! It's fun.
Well, why don't you go out with Don, then? I can't handle your jealousy any more, Karl.
So have I definitely blown it? Well, give me one good reason why I should stay.
I can't.
I just wanted to know I'd definitely blown it before I do this.
What? You're a weirdo.
- Oh, this is useless.
Fiona warned me.
She told me you were trouble.
Can you call me a taxi? - Shhh! Eddie will do that.
Oh, umyou lost your earring round here, you say? What are you doing, Don? Well, this platonic friend of mine dropped her earring somewhere.
Hi, Abby.
You are such a dickhead.
Argh! Ow! It's all right, I'm fine.
Oh, Abby! Ohhow are you getting on with your one? Good? Are you all right, Don? Well, I've just fallen down a flight of stairs.
What do you reckon? Come on, Fi, we're off.
- Really? But I Yeah, really! - Do you want me to give you a lift? Do you mind? - Of course not.
Prick! - Nice to meet you too Out of the way, please.
Karl! Are you all right? I heard you arguing.
You know, I was trying not to listen but you were pretty loud.
Don, Karl and I have split up.
Really? Are you sure it's definitely over? Yeah.
We're just too different and I keep avoiding the issues.
Thanks, Don.
That's all right.
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
- Hey, listen.
If I can help you with anything, get you anything, you know, a cup of tea, if you just want a chat, or someone to spoon in bed with Thanks, Don.
You're a doll.
I can't believe it.
It's just like buses - you wait for ages, then as soon as you hop on one for a ride, another comes along.
Well, something like that.
Abby? - Yeah? Er, I made you a coffee.
Aw, thank you.
Shall I leave it on the landing? No, you can bring it in, please.
- Really? Won't I see you naked? No.
Coming in.
Can you just put it over there, please? Yeah.
- Thank you.
I'm really glad you're here, Don.
Really? - Yeah.
What are you, erdoing tonight? Nothing much.
What are you up to? Nothing.
I could cook us a meal, if you like.
Something nice.
Donyou can't cook.
Oi! I can cook.
You have not cooked once since I moved in here.
Yes, I have.
- When? Just then.
I cooked you that coffee.
Well, if you want to.
- Yeah.
That'd be lovely.
See you tonight, then.
- See you tonight.
I mean, you know, I might bump into you around the house before, but, you know Hm, that's quite likely.
I don't believe in God, but I thanked him anyway.
Edward Singh.
- Hey, Don.
Sorry I abandoned you last night.
Hey, don't worry about it, big guy.
Did you go back to hers? I did.
I just got back, as a matter of fact.
And? - Well, we had a lot of fun.
We shared a bed, but she kept trying to touch my cock.
Weird! Shame your night ended so badly.
- Oh, on the contrary.
It couldn't have been better.
Abby dumped Cock-face last night.
Oh, poor Cock-face.
- Screw Cock-face.
Don't you get it? Abby 's single now.
Poor Abby.
She must be lonely.
Are you insane in your mind? No.
Why? Am I doing that weird tic again? Who have I been in love with for weeks? Nay, months? Abby? - Exactly.
Oh, I see.
So now's the chance for you to benefit from Cock-face's misery! All right, there's no need to put it like that.
She wants me, Eddie, I can feel it.
That's what this is all about.
It's destiny.
I'm gonna cook her a meal tonight.
- YOU'RE cooking her a meal? No, YOU'RE cooking her a meal.
I'm taking the credit.
Deal? This is special.
Maybe you SHOULD cook for her.
D'you think? - No, it'd be a disaster.
Oh, this is exciting! Yeah.
You can cook whatever you want.
Whatever? - Whatever.
Ooh Ooh, I might do a salmon Not salmon.
- Um Ah, I might magic up a risotto Not risotto.
- Beef bourguignon I hate beef bourguignon.
Just cook something that says "sex".
Erbangers and mash! Yeah, yeah, that kind of does say "sex", doesn't it? Brilliant.
Clever balls.
Bangers and mash it is.
Oh, yeah.
# Bangers and mash Bangers and mash # Yeah! Wow, I've never seen you this happy before.
I've never been this happy.
Finally, life isn't shitting on me.
Feels good, doesn't it? - Sure does.
Don't! I think I'm gonna have to pull out all the stops tonight, Eddie.
I might serenade her with a song.
What do you reckon? Well, it depends.
What song? - Well, one of my own, of course.
Maybe you should play me the song first and then we can see whether it's a good idea.
OK.
Right, so I'm thinking of playing it between main course and pudding.
Oh, Ski yoghurts for pudding.
Good.
Ready? Yep? - Yeah.
Two, three, four # Abigail I've got a really cool idea # Baby girl You and I should have sex after dinner # You can finish your yoghurt I don't mind waiting # But once you've finished your yoghurt # Let's go upstairs, do some nailing # Sex, uh, yeah # Something I've longed to do with you # Sex, uh, yeah # Imagine me entering you # Abigail, Abigail, Abigail # Don? Don? #Abigail, Abigail # Don.
Don.
Don! What? - It's not Melodic enough? No, it's not - The right tempo? It's not - Romantic enough? I think it's inappropriate, Don.
- Really? I'm not hugely acquainted with matters of sexual relations, but I do know there are certain things you're not supposed to do when you invite someone to dinner.
- Like what? So, what's for dinner? Oh, there's some bangers in the fridge.
I'm serious.
Get cooking.
Let's get stuck in.
Oh, I just couldn't think of anything to wear, so You not hungry? I'm just gonna do a shit.
Oh, yeah, you like? Oh, yeah, I bet you do.
Oh, yeah, how about that? Ooh! That was like giving birth to an otter.
What happens if you're eating a massive rump steak, eh? Surely you need a half-time dump.
- Let's get you ready.
# You can finish your yoghurt I don't mind waiting # But once you've finished it # Potatoes? - Mashed.
Bangers? - Banged.
Now all you have to do is to dish them out onto these, which are plates.
Plates.
Right.
Whoo! What do you think? - Lovely.
It was my granddad's lucky suit.
Lucky? I thought he died in it.
Yeah, at the end of a very lucky life.
He was 26 and he died of a cold.
- Get out.
Come back.
Wish me luck.
I'm very proud of you.
I'm finding thisawkward.
Now remember, don't think with your penis.
I know, Eddie.
Think with my balls.
Good luck.
- Yeah.
Right Wine with your meal? Glug, glug, glug! Sex with your meal? Good evening, madam.
- Hello.
You're late.
- What? Oh, nothing.
Don't worry.
So Oh, sorry.
Hello? Sure.
Oh, me too.
OK.
Yeah.
Bye.
That was Karl.
Oh What did he want? - He's coming round.
What? But I'm just We need to talk and see if we can resolve a few things.
Make it work, you know? Right, yeah When's he getting here? Any minute.
That was quick! - He's been on the doorstep for hours.
Eugh, creepy.
He was too nervous to ring the doorbell.
Don.
Karl.
You're expecting a guest? Oh, bollocks! I'm so sorry! I completely forgot.
No, no, it's fine.
Don't worry.
We were gonna eat together tonight.
Really? Yeah.
But, um there were other people coming as well.
I didn't tell you about that.
You know, it was gonna be a group thing - a non-sexual group event.
So, yeah So, you know, you two go upstairs and sort your shit out.
Shall we? Listen, we'll just stay upstairs out of your way, so make sure you have fun.
- Justgo upstairs.
Well, have fun.
- OK.
Go, go, go! I'm really sorry again.
- It's fine.
All right? - Yeah.
You? No.
Not really.
Me neither.
What are we like? Ah, Crispin, come in! Good to see you! Christ, the last thing you need when you're feeling bad is thatmaniac.
There you go again, Karl! OK! I'm coming, I'm coming.
Be patient.
Ah, Jeremy.
Hello, Don! Susan, come in.
Hello, Don.
How are you both? I'm fine.
How are you? I'm all right.
Wow, Jeremy, you've really put on weight, haven't you? What do you mean? Look, I REALLY like living here.
It's fun.
I dunno, it'squirky.
You've guzzled down that mash.
Yes, I love mash.
You know that, don't you, Don? I do know that about you, you fat git.
You can't blame me, though, can you? Can you honestly say you don't think he wants to climb into your underwear? No, thank you.
You know red wine hurts my ning-ning when I wee.
Oh, right, yes, I forgot about that.
I thought you'd been to the doctor's about that.
Yes, I have, but that was about my puppy biscuits.
Your what? Puppy biscuits.
You know, my nipples.
Oh, right, of course.
I think it might be for the best if we live together.
Have you been to the theatre recently? Um, no.
I don't think I've ever been, actually.
What's it like? It's really good.
There's a new play at the moment.
It's a musical based on the, um, Stallone Rambo sagas.
You know, I really think this is for the best.
So do I.
Not touching your food? Er, yeah, you've just put me off, calling me fat.
Sorry about that.
Actually, we're going to go.
Come on, Susan.
Where are you going? We've got a keys-in-the-ashtray party to go to.
Wow, that sounds fun! How about you and me get ourselves a drink? Oh, right, then, see you, everyone.
Thanks for coming round.
And hey, stop eating all those crisps, Crisp-sin.
They didn't stay long.
No, you know, leave them wanting more, I say.
Oh, how do you mean? You know, um, no coffee or after-mints, that kind of thing.
So, um, how are you both? Have you sorted out your problems? You're touching each other, so I'm assuming you have.
Yeah, we did manage to resolve a few issues.
Great.
Great.
DonKarl and I are moving in together.
What? Why? When? As soon as possible.
So it looks like you'll be on your own.
Sorry, old boy.
So, what, are you, um, moving in to his place? God, no! His place is hideous.
It's like some '80s bachelor pad.
- You never said.
Why do you think we never go to your house? So, what, you're gonna move in somewhere new? I guess so.
- Er, yes.
We will.
Which is a shame, because I REALLY love it here.
I'm gonna miss the old place.
Hang on.
Why don't you both move in here? What?! - Yeah, why not? You could have the top floor, like your own apartment, yeah? You cannot be serious! - I can and I am.
I won't even charge you extra.
How about that? That is tempting.
- Great.
Don, do you have any idea what you're saying? Not a clue.
But I'd take me up on my offer before I change my mind.
I really don't want to move out of here.
Please.
Oh, please, Karl.
How can you resist? Please.
OK.
Yes, I know what you're thinking.
Such a selfless act, giving Abby and Karl a helping hand as they embark onto the next stage of their relationship, even though I'm hopelessly in love with her.
I don't get it, Don.
Why'd you do it? Look, I'd rather he moved in than her move out.
Anything but her move out.
If she went, I might never see her again.
So, we're all done.
Great.
This is gonna be fun.
Yeahfun.