How to Stay Married (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Nervous.
Oh, no, I'm excited.
No, no, I mean I'm a bit nervous.
Why are you nervous? It's my high school reunion.
Yeah, I know, but, you know He is going to be there.
- Who? - What do you mean who? Your first love.
The one.
He who cannot be named.
- Oh - Adam.
Oh, Greg, you don't have to talk to him.
Talk to him? I'm looking forward to having a beer with him.
And I'm gonna be cool.
Just super cool.
Yeah, well, that is very grown-up of you.
Well, I mean, he's your first boyfriend, Em.
That's special.
He's been a big part of your life.
Both of our lives in a way.
I'm excited to meet him.
I'm just gonna be cool.
Cool like Coolio.
I'm just glad that I finally got something to flaunt.
Thanks, Em.
You were talking about your job.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Misread that.
Yep, my new job.
But But you too, absolutely.
I mean, they're both equally flaunt-worthy.
- Yes.
- Yep.
Oh, it's just here.
Thanks, driver.
OK.
Let's rock this reunion! Ah, Brad, I'm sorry, it's partners only.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, OK.
I'll just - Yeah.
I'll just wait here, then.
Yep.
Have fun.
Sorry, bro.
Only gave you two stars.
Your car's shit! Greg, not funny.
I used to play Gameboy Now I don't The Raeburn multi-purpose hall.
So many purposes.
Not a huge turnout.
Are you sure partners were invited? Yeah, it's just that we're 40-somethings now, prime divorce territory.
Lots of bitter singles here tonight.
Yeah, hello, Tinder? I'd like to report a malfunction.
Your app's telling me that there's 15 single women my age within 20m of my current location.
WOMAN: Over here! Yes, I am outside a school reunion, actually.
Oh.
No, that's terrific news.
No, thank you.
The perfect storm.
I got up to so much mischief in this place.
- Really? - Mm-hmm! The Em that I know would've been front row Eyes on the teacher Emily Dawson, you sexy minx! (BOTH SQUEAL) There's a new noise.
Oh, Greg, this is Clea! Ahh! No, no, no, no.
Let me map you.
Yep.
You're the one.
You're perfect for Em, without question.
Now we hug.
That's that's great.
Yep.
Yep.
Clea and I were inseparable in high school.
I can't believe that we lost touch.
Oh, things happen, Em.
But we're together now! Remember that time we swapped Mr Murphy's heart pills for Tic Tacs? Oh, we so did! - That sounds quite dangerous.
- Oh, it was fine.
The paramedics appreciated the minty breath! (LAUGHS) Now, what did we call you? You had a nickname.
Ah, no, I don't think Oh, God, Em! Look who's here! - Wrong Hole Wally.
- (LAUGHS) Wrong Hole Wally? Shh.
(LAUGHS) Was it a golf thing or? - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, poor Wally.
Oh, poor Stacey Carlson.
Excuse me.
Yeah, Brad? Em, you've gotta get me into this party.
Ah, Brad, it's partners only.
No, listen, my dating app has gone nuts.
They're calling it a once-in-a-generation Tinder storm.
Who's calling it that, Brad? Who's Brad? Is he cute? Can I talk to him? Who is he? Ah hey, Brad, ah, I think we might have just found you a wife.
Yes! I mean thanks.
A dry white, please.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Are you an ex-student here or a WAG, like myself? School captain, actually.
Adam.
- You're Adam? - Yep.
Cool to meet you my man.
(IMITATES EXPLOSION) I'm Greg Butler.
Emily Dawson's husband.
Emily.
Oh, well, you're a lucky man, Greg.
Yeah.
What are you drinking, A-train? Whatever it is, I'm buying.
Well, the drinks are provided, so Could I have a white wine, thanks? That's a shame because usually I like to make it rain with cash money.
But free's cool.
Hey, Adam, I just I just wanted to say We're good, yeah, you and me? Yeah.
Oh, cool.
I mean, you'll always have a special place in Em's heart, and that's the way it should be.
Really? Absolutely.
And I know you have a lot to catch up on tonight, and I want you to know that I'm cool with that.
Wow.
Make the most of tonight, and I promise you, I will not hover.
I'm not one of those helicopter husbands.
I'm cool.
I see that.
Well, that's very cool of you, Greg.
Now, go do your thang, yeah? I'll go hang with the nerds.
Thanks.
I think one of those Just one dry white.
Emily Dawson and Clea! - Adam! - Good to see you.
And you must be - Brad.
- My husband.
Oh, good for you, guys.
You look happy.
Brad's an amazing provider Guilty.
in the bedroom.
That's right.
I just bought us a new memory foam mattress.
- Boy, have we made some memories! - (LAUGHS) We have.
Sex memories.
And, Em It's been a long time.
It has.
This is for you.
Oh, Adam, that's so kind of you.
Thank you.
Oh, God, we've got so much to catch up on.
Where do we start? Well, I have just been telling Clea about my new job in publishing.
Publishing, I love publishing.
I always knew your talent ran deep.
Brad's talents run deep.
Real deep.
To marriage! Oh, to marriage! (RETRO ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) Chicken stick? Sure.
Why not? Just the one.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Consider yourself parked.
(LAUGHS) Hey! Looks like I've got some competition.
Alright, big fella? No, all yours, big fella.
Yeah.
It's funny, isn't it? Being back where it all happened.
No, I never went to school here.
Yeah.
You said it.
Best years of our lives.
Sure.
I lost my virginity here.
In the multi-purpose hall? No! I'm not a hussie.
In the shelter sheds.
Oh, those were the days.
I was king of the world.
She was my queen.
Queen of the shelter sheds.
I might just go to the bar to get another wine.
- Can you grab me one too? - Sure.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is our song, baby! We used to dance to this before we were married.
Before the kids.
Forget the kids, darling just this once.
Just hold me.
So, I pop his shoulder back in and said, "Go and make Australia proud, Starky.
" He goes out, takes three wickets, wins the match.
That's incredible.
Now, you've gotta meet my husband, Greg.
Oh, no, we've met.
Oh.
So, what you do, Adam, besides keep fit? I work in remedial massage.
Oh, that's the best kind of massage.
Yeah, I work with Remedial Masseuses Without Borders.
San Frontier.
Yeah, that too.
Yeah, I work with sports team as well.
I love working with my hands.
They seem like very capable hands.
No complaints yet.
Adam Sharp, as I breathe and live.
Ah, Mrs Vateras, it's good to see you.
Well, well, well I can tell you're still a swimmer.
Sorry, is this normal, teachers coming to these things? Oh, no, but I do like to pop my head in and see how everyone's grown up.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
To the top, all the way.
Keep going, keep going.
Thank you.
You remember Emily Dawson? I do.
Emily's just been telling me about her fantastic career in publishing.
Publishing?! (LAUGHS) How peculiar.
Why peculiar? Well, the written word was hardly your forte, was it, Emily? Writing was my forte.
I didn't have any other fortes.
Well, there's writing, and then there's original writing, Emily.
And I trust by now, you've learnt to tell the difference.
God.
Is that Wrong Hole Wally? What was all that about? I wrote a poem in Year 12 that was so brilliant that Mrs Vateras thought that I'd plagiarised it.
But I remember the exact moment that it came to me.
I was with my family on safari in Africa.
Oh, how good's Nelson Mandela? Yeah.
And I woke up in the middle of the night in this feverish sweat, and the words, they just poured out of me.
What's happened? Oh, Mrs Venereal is still crapping on about my poem being a rip-off.
- Oh! - Was it? Brad, no.
I feel your pain, Em.
Oh, yeah, it's in your right trapezius, if I'm not mistaken.
Do you want me to get my oils? They're in my Audi.
Adam, it was my poem.
Why would I put it in the school time capsule if I'd ripped it off? Oh, my God.
The time capsule! I'm pretty sure I put a half-finished Big M in there - right before they sealed it! - (LAUGHS) You know, if I could find that poem, I could prove her wrong.
Wrong Hole Wally put a curried egg sandwich in there.
That thing will be nuclear by 2043.
Pity Venereal will be dead by then.
- Hey, let's dig it up.
- Yes! - Yes! - What? Are you scared you'll get a detention? Ohh! No, but even if you do dig it up, it's going to be locked.
Then we'll find the key.
Come on, Em.
- Yeah.
Yeah! (SQUEALS) - Whoo-hoo! - Brad, no.
- Oh.
Whoo! - Bad girls.
- I'm back! Go, go, go! - Oh, gosh.
- Operation Venereal.
You sit there and think about your poetry.
(BOTH LAUGH) It's locked.
Oh, God, I guess that's it, then.
Yeah.
Unless we can jimmy it open.
Like in the movies.
Oh, does that actually work? One way to find out.
We just need a hairpin and a credit card.
Oh, OK.
Um Here's a hairpin Thank you.
And credit card.
Yeah, Amex isn't gonna work.
Um, OK, MasterCard? - Yeah.
Better.
- OK.
Beginner's luck.
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, hey, do you remember doing this? Oh, don't! Ooh! Attention, students, this is Principal Butt Head.
Before leaving school, please remember to collect your farts.
Come on quick! OK, OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) Students, you can collect your farts from my butt.
(GROANING) That's all.
(BOTH LAUGH) No, you had a nickname.
What was it? Come on, let's find that key.
Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, it's probably in here.
Oh! Are you gonna crack the safe? No, of course not.
It's nearly impossible.
Oh, must've been open.
Ooh.
Keys to the city, Emily.
- Time to dig up the truth.
- Yes! Ok.
Oh, Brad! Clea, there you are.
- Oh! - Well, I've been worried sick.
Oh, my God, Brad, I've been gone for two seconds.
Can you just let me breathe? Oh, no, you don't.
We're not gonna make a scene, not tonight.
Oh, that'd be right.
Take the moral high ground.
Well, somebody's got to! I'm having the best time.
Me too.
We need counselling.
No! I can change! I don't want you to change! I'm so confused right now! Ah.
- Hurry back with those dimmies.
- Can't wait.
- You like soya sauce? - Ah, yeah.
Bring soya sauce! Ah, Tizz Tizz Yeah, Tizzalino.
I just need to duck out to make sure my wife's OK.
- Oh, who are you married to? - Ah, Emily Butler.
- Who? - Emily Butler? Oh, Butler nee Dawson, or Dawson nee Butler, whatever that is.
You're married to Emily Dawson? (RETRO ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Em didn't mention me once, not even in passing? Well, it was a big class, I can't remember everyone.
Ah, Em.
Oh, hey, party people.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Tiz.
Hello, Emily.
Tiz? Yeah, hey, hey, keep it on the DL, but we are sneaking into the Year 12 courtyard to dig up the time capsule! Ho ho ho ho, sounds fun.
Why? Because Mrs Venereal is still crapping on about my poem being a rip-off.
It's in the time capsule, we're going to dig it up and prove her wrong.
(LAUGHS) - That sounds like a plan, my man.
- Yeah.
Give me some skin! Greg, are you going to come outside? Yeah, I think I I mean, maybe not because it kind of sounds more like a students-only thing.
But, go ahead, and I'll stay here, being cool.
- Let's bounce, Em.
- Yeah.
Wow, you are one brave husband.
Well, when your marriage is as strong as ours, why wouldn't you let your wife catch up with her ex-boyfriend.
Well, she should, and I'd love to, but she's off cavorting with Adam.
Yeah, well, Adam is her ex.
I'm her ex.
No, you're Tiz.
Tizzalino.
Adam Tizzalino.
Adam T! - You're the one? - Yeah.
Then who did my wife just run off into the night with? Adam Sharpe.
Adam S.
Sharpie.
He's wrecked more homes than I've had hot dinners, and I live next door to Red Rooster.
You you did it with my wife in the shuttle sheds? Yeah.
That's where they're headed now.
(LAUGHS) Not cool.
I've been looking for you, darling.
Kiss me, Brad.
Kiss me like you did on our wedding night.
Oh, oh.
Ow, ow! (ALARM RINGS) Alright, everybody, grab your drinks and assemble in the Year 12 courtyard.
(GRUNTS) Alright, just just stop, that's enough, that's enough.
We're good, Greg.
You're hovering, yeah? Shut up, Adam.
I know you're not 'the one'.
Oh, oh, you thought he was the one? Well, obviously, because his name is Adam.
Oh! And Tizzalino's name is also Adam, so I accidentally gave Sharpie permission to hang out with you.
- Permission? - Well, not permission.
Mate, you told me to "do your thang with her".
You were pretty bloody clear.
Your 'thang'? I did not do that action.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Just put a shirt on, mate.
No, no, he can leave the shirt off.
- Give me the shovel.
- Nope.
- Give me the shovel! - No.
Just give me the shovel.
Jamie Durie, bloody! If the poem is buried down there, it's her husband's duty to dig it out! Well met by moonlight.
(LAUGHS) Well, I suppose as the adult here, I should be stopping this, but my curiosity is somewhat piqued.
Give me that shovel! We are digging up the capsule.
My poem is in there.
Along with a serving of humble pie for you.
ONLOOKERS: Oh-ho-ho! I put a pie in there, actually.
MAN: Wally! (CLUNK!) Ooh.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! (ALL GAG AND COUGH) Oh! Oh, that's not right.
Oh, Greg, can you take this? - What?! - Arggh! I've got it.
Oh! Here, you read it.
If you're so confident, Em, why don't you recite it? What do you say, class of '93? (CHEERING) Fine.
Your funeral.
Let's get you on centre stage, sweetie.
Just Greg, what are Greg! Piss off.
Yep, just do it here.
Good idea.
Listen up, everybody, you might learn something.
Em works in publishing now.
River Dreaming by Emily Dawson.
"In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep" Beautiful.
"From the mountains of faith to the rivers so deep.
I must be looking for something.
Something sacred I lost" Em that's Billy Joel.
Sing us a song, Piano Lady.
"In the middle of the night (SINGS) I go walking in my sleep Through the valley of fear Through the river so deep ALL: I must be searching for something Taken out of my soul Outta ma soul Something I would never lose Never lose Something somebody stole Somebody stole I don't know why I go walking at night But I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life Until I finally find what I'm looking for ALL: In the middle of the night How could you not know 'River of Dreams'? Oh, I don't know, I guess I just wasn't that into pop music.
Wasn't my thang.
Yeah, OK, well, I I am sorry about Sharpie.
Oh, I think my 17-year-old self sort of liked the attention.
(GIGGLES) What was it about Tizzalino? Why was why was he the one? Greg, looks aren't everything to me.
Great, I'm equally comforted and insulted by that.
Guys! You seen Clea? I can't seem to find her anywhere.
Or my watch or wallet or phone.
Or keys.
She stole my Uber! And my heart.
That was her nickname, Clea the Klepto.
That's why we stopped hanging out together in high school.
Oh, Brad, I'm so sorry.
Are you kidding? For three hours tonight, I was married.
It was awesome.
You should probably call the bank and cancel your credit cards.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, good thinking.
- Can I borrow your phone? - Sure.
(SIGHS) Shit! I don't have my phone and my wallet's gone.
Oh, Clea! I didn't even get her number.