How to with John Wilson (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
JOHN WILSON: Hey, New York.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I spend a lot of time
with my landlord.
I usually go down to her
apartment around 7 o'clock,
and we watch Jeopardy! together.
She even gives me slippers
to make sure that, uh,
my feet aren't cold,
and insists
that I call her "Mama."
Thank you, Mama.
She also likes
to come into my apartment
and handpick all the trash
out of my trash can, uh,
so that I can save money
on trash bags.
She shows me, uh,
art that she made.
Oh, that's very nice.
And brings me cactus.
And cucumbers.
And insists on doing my laundry,
uh, because she says that
the laundromat has lice in it.
Oh, thank you.
She's the only person in my life
that I never vape around.
If I ever need to take a puff,
I always just run back
to my apartment first
and then I come back down.
And she never seems to notice.
But the nicest thing
is that she likes to cook for me
all the time.
Sometimes it's a stew
or a dessert,
but it's always delicious.
Thank you.
I really wanted to repay her
for all the amazing food
she made me.
Then I remembered
she once mentioned
that her favorite food
was risotto,
and I bet it would
impress her a lot
if I could figure out
how to do it right.
So like any good tenant,
I decided
to surprise my landlord
and see how hard it really is
to cook the perfect risotto.
(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: As legend has it,
the first documented risotto
was made by a glassblower's
apprentice around 1809,
uh, for a wedding feast.
And ever since,
it's been enjoyed
and reinterpreted by chefs
all over the world.
When preparing an ethnic dish,
the most important thing
is to respect
the rich cultural heritage
from which it emerged.
And a great way to do that
is to learn a few words
of the language.
Buongiorno, uh,
means "good morning."
Buonasera, uh,
means "good night."
A cavalla is a horse.
But we both have the exact
same word for limousine
and peperoni.
And if anyone is rushing you,
just kindly say, "Un momento,"
and that should solve
the problem.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
If it's your first time
making risotto,
you'll wanna research
who the best in the world is
and see how they do it.
Based on the videos you find,
it seems like you need
to be in a completely tranquil,
zen state
in order to do it well.
DANILO CORTELLINI: (ON COMPUTER)
There's always been
a certain charm about risotto.
But charm by itself
doesn't cut it.
You need the perfect texture.
You need the perfect flavor.
JOHN: It also seems like
having a risotto journal,
uh, helps a lot,
because you need a place
to sketch your dream risotto,
uh, and take notes
during the process.
But if you don't personally know
any competitive chefs,
it might be a good idea
to just ask around
to see if anyone knows
how to cook it.
So when you're walking
around your neighborhood,
just keep your eyes, uh, peeled
for, uh, any Italian flags.
And if you see one,
just start walking towards it,
and hopefully
someone near the flag
will know how to cook it.
Do you know how to make risotto?
Risotto is actually
one of my favorite dishes.
JOHN: Oh, really?
And if you ask nicely,
he might actually give you
a lesson in his kitchen,
just for you, one on one.
Your stock has to be
really good.
-JOHN: Oh, yeah?
-Because if it's not (SCOFFS)
JOHN: What kind
what kind of rice do you use?
Oh, you have to use Arborio,
there's no choice.
-Monica!
-MONICA: Yeah?
GIO: We need we need
the Arborio rice up here.
-MONICA: Okay, I'm coming.
-GIO: I think it's, uh,
I think it's still downstairs.
I do butter,
I do butter and olive oil.
-Extra virgin, has to be.
-JOHN: Okay.
(KNIFE SHARPENER WHIRRING)
GIO: Here we go, we do the ar
Oh! I'm so sorry.
I've been doing this
for many, many years.
I don't measure anything.
Monica! I need
the small cutting board,
under the sink, please.
Bam, bam, bam.
You have to constantly stir.
Bam!
Parmigiano-Reggiano,
you have to use that cheese.
-JOHN: Okay.
-Hold on!
-Don't distract me.
-JOHN: Okay.
-You need sea salt.
-JOHN: Okay.
-Sea salt!
-JOHN: Okay.
Monica, is my is my, uh,
my white pepper up here?
No, I think it's downstairs.
GIO: Okay, thank you.
You gotta follow the rules.
But you also gotta make
your own rules
that work for you.
It's not it's not
one size fits all, my friend.
-JOHN: Okay, so
-This is how you make a risotto.
JOHN: And after the lesson,
if you're lucky,
uh, he may also show you
some of his artwork
that he made.
Now, this is the Southwest.
It's like like, uh,
the petroglyphs,
uh, Arizona.
I believe there was also,
you know, alien beings
over there that that gave us
a little bit more knowledge.
-JOHN: In Arizona?
-This is an
Arizo Yeah, all over,
you know, the Aztecs, the Incas.
JOHN: They Wait.
The the aliens, like
Well, we I think we are
we have definitely been
might have
we have been
impregnated by, uh
We have some, uh
We are actually the aliens.
-(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-JOHN:
So, once you've heard enough,
uh, head straight to the store
and get all your ingredients.
Chicken stock, Parmigiano,
uh, butter, shallot, garlic,
and that special Arborio rice.
-And don't forget the pesce.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
And when you get home,
it's time to put everything
you learned into practice.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Start by getting into that
tranquil, uh, zen state of mind.
DANILO:
You need the perfect texture.
You need the perfect flavor.
JOHN: Then you're gonna boil
four cups of chicken broth
and set it aside for later.
Then you cook the shallot,
uh, I think,
and then the garlic.
Then after a couple of minutes,
you put the rice in
and stir it around.
And then a little wine, I think.
I'm pretty sure.
Then, uh, while that's going,
you're gonna need to check
one of your eBay listings, uh,
that's ending soon
while the wine reduces.
But then it starts to smell,
so, uh, you put it on medium.
Med medium low,
that that seems good.
Then you take the broth
and pour it in a ladle at a time
until it's absorbed by the rice.
And while you're waiting
for that,
you try to say hello
to your landlord,
who's gardening outside.
'Ello, Mama!
But if she doesn't hear you,
just put in a ladle of broth
and try again.
Hey, Mama! Hey, Mama!
And continue this process,
uh, until you're out of broth.
'Ello, Mama!
This should take
around 15 minutes.
Now it's time for the pesce.
But you don't have a blowtorch,
so, uh, you can just throw it
on the grill.
Uh, but don't forget about
the (CLEARS THROAT) rice.
When the fish is on fire,
you can take it off.
Uh, it should be done.
Then you gotta grate some cheese
as a finishing touch.
Uh, but not before you notice
that there's cat vomit
all over the floor and you have
to clean that up first.
And then you stir in the cheese.
But you're not quite done yet.
DANILO: Then stir
and toss with energy
until oozy and creamy.
(MUSIC SWELLS) ♪
JOHN: And then you're
on the home stretch,
and you can put everything
on the plate.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
And your risotto is complete.
But when you're done,
uh, it doesn't look
quite like the Italian's did.
And it may seem
a little gluey.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And when you review everything
you did in your risotto journal,
you can't understand
where you went wrong.
You figure homemade
chicken stock could help,
but it's not enough
to save your second attempt.
And your third attempt
is a scorched mess.
Mushrooms didn't help
your fourth.
It's gluey again.
And despite your rigorous
note-taking,
each time you try, you'll fail,
for reasons
that you don't fully understand.
And you may start feeling
a carousel
of frustrating emotions
that are brand new to you.
But just make sure
to swallow your frustration,
and try not to ruin the surprise
for the person
you're cooking for.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
At this point, you may
notice that you're also having
a hard time with other simple,
everyday tasks,
and it's not just your risotto
that's suffering.
And then you realize
that all your problems
may have something to do
with the fact that
you haven't had nicotine
in over a week.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Back when you were
in your early twenties,
you started smoking
to look cool.
And it worked.
But that slowly developed
into a pack-a-day habit
that went on for a lot longer
than it should've.
And then when you turned 30,
you decided to finally quit
combustible cigarettes
and go digital,
like everybody else.
You would blow clouds
wherever you wanted,
like you owned the streets.
You even developed
a vape-sized hole in your pocket
that you kept having
to sew shut.
And that led to a sore
on your thigh that never healed,
uh, where it poked
through your jeans.
Finally, seeing
the amount of trash
you generated
over the course of a month
disgusted you.
So, a week ago,
you froze all your vapes
in an attempt to stop yourself
from consuming
any more nicotine.
But the cravings
still persisted.
And you begin to regret
quitting at a time like this
because your nicotine withdrawal
is clearly turning your cooking
into dog shit.
And maybe before you can perfect
the art of risotto,
you're gonna need to perfect
the art of quitting first.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
They say that the first
couple of weeks are the hardest,
and it's a good idea
to remove any former triggers
to break the cycle.
But everywhere you look
in New York,
there seems to be reminders
of your addiction.
And even the dry ice
you use to break up your stool,
uh, reminds you of vaping.
So if you want
to master quitting,
put yourself
in a new environment
that doesn't remind you
of vaping at all.
(SNOW SQUEAKING)
You may not have been skiing
since you were a little kid,
so you rent some gear
and hit the bunny slope
to try to ski down safely.
You remember being okay at it
when you were a kid,
but it turns out to be
a lot more frustrating,
uh, as an adult, and it's not
actually that relaxing.
(RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
So you take a nice scenic drive
to clear your head.
But after a while,
you might get stuck
behind someone
who seems to have a problem
with their exhaust pipe.
And it kind of feels like
they know you're trying to quit.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
So you get out to tell him
about his problem
at the gas station.
Uh, that's just a by-product
of a lot of fuel and air.
-JOHN: Yeah?
-Yep.
JOHN: But after talking to him
a little more,
you're surprised to learn that
he was actually doing it
on purpose.
COAL ROLLER:
JOHN:
Do you like diesel at all?
-Huh?
-JOHN: Do you like diesel?
-No. (CHUCKLES)
-JOHN: No.
He still kept spewing
a lot of the black,
uh, smoke in your face
and when you think about
how inconsiderate, uh, you felt
from blowing
just a little vape smoke,
you wonder
how anyone could justify
-such a toxic hobby.
-(ENGINE RUMBLING)
JOHN: Um, what would you say
to someone that
would like to see
this practice kind of banned?
Um
I think the only reason
they'd want it to be banned
would be pollution, which
I guess,
if you're all about pollution
Uh, but the thing is,
everything makes pollution.
Like, anything that you
If you go to Walmart
and buy a bag of chips,
that's plastic, that's made,
that's pollution. Uh
It's been made from something.
Uh, there's
been pollution made
to make that bag of chips
or whatever you're buying.
So is that person gonna give up
everything that they do
in their normal life?
Are they gonna
not get in a car?
Are they not gonna go
to Walmart and buy whatever?
Uh
whenever I can
I don't know, that
It's hard to say. Uh
It I don't know.
I don't It's
I'm trying to think
of a good response.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: Maybe some people
are just more comfortable
doing whatever they want
without any concern
for the effect it has on others.
But it does
get you thinking about
everything that goes into
a bag of chips.
And then,
when you're at the store,
you notice that the chip bags
are all about to burst,
and you don't know why.
You know you know why
these are so blown up?
-SHOPPER: The altitude.
-JOHN: Oh, the altitude!
-Anything you find at Yeah!
-JOHN: Oh, okay!
If that's the case,
it seems like the bag
is only a couple of hundred feet
away from popping,
so you bring it up with you
on the ski lift
to see if it would burst.
It's a little tighter
at the top,
uh, but it still doesn't pop.
And even when you take it up
in a helicopter,
you still can't seem
to get it high enough.
PILOT:
JOHN:
But the guy won't, uh,
go up high enough
because he says
it was too dangerous.
So you take the bag of chips
and drive it up
the rest of the way yourself.
And as you're hiking
your way towards the summit,
you notice a house
that was hit by an avalanche.
The mattress looks intact,
but there are no bedsheets,
uh, which means that
um
you don't know what that means.
At that point, you'll realize
that nicotine has been so far
from your thoughts for so long.
This was the first time
you'd been able to ignore it
completely in over a decade.
And it didn't really matter
if you got to see the bag pop.
You'll feel like a new man,
with a new brain.
And now, you can finally
slam dunk that risotto.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
So when you get home
to New York,
make sure to reset
your oven clock, uh, first
because daylight savings
just happened on your way back.
Now that you have a clear head,
you notice
that your risotto problems
may have started
with your cookware,
uh, which is in pitiful shape,
and it's probably time
to buy a new pot.
So you're gonna head out
to the store.
And you're not even fazed
when you pass a smoker,
because you're proudly
nicotine-free.
And now you have a healthier way
to deal with your oral fixation
that, uh, won't bother
anyone else.
(BLOWING SLIDE WHISTLE)
And when you hop
on the bus, you'll be surprised
that you're the only passenger.
Uh, which is great,
because you can sit
anywhere you like.
And you may notice
that some of the Ubers
have started taping tissue boxes
to the outside of their car,
and you're not sure why.
But it looks like everyone
is trying to get a piece.
And you also start to notice
that all the TVs
are playing the same thing.
(MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-(UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
-When you get to the store, uh,
they seem to be running, uh,
a little short on cookware.
Luckily, you pass by a yard sale
on the way home.
The one pan they have looks like
risotto-grade material.
But before you buy it,
he might try to upsell you
on some other stuff.
-Oh, that's Kevin Smith.
-BUSHWICK TWIN: There you go.
JOHN: Oh, wow.
This is handmade.
JOHN: Oh, is that JFK?
BUSHWICK TWIN:
Yeah, this goes for 2,500.
JOHN: Are you guys worried
about this virus?
I think it's more like
it's more like a flu.
Take care of yourself.
Just wash your hands
and stay away from crowds,
and it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna It's gonna pass.
JOHN: All right,
that makes me feel better.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN:
So after you get your new pan,
go ahead
and get the groceries you need.
Back at your supermarket,
you finally find
a few of your basic
risotto ingredients.
And in order to buy them,
all you have to do
is find the end of the line.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: So if you can't find
the end of the line,
uh, go next door
to the Dollar General
for ingredients.
But unfortunately,
the only food they have left
is something called
Beanee Weenee.
So buy a couple of jars,
and hopefully you can
incorporate it somehow.
To get your fresh tomatoes,
uh, you can always go
to a Burger King
to see if they'll sell them
to you à la carte.
But when you get there,
you find that they're
in the process of
covering the dining room
in caution tape.
JOHN:
JOHN: Yeah?
JOHN: Okay.
And to make chicken broth,
now you're gonna have to go
to a live, uh, poultry vendor.
JOHN:
VENDOR:
JOHN: But you can't bring
yourself to do it.
So you try making the risotto
with the Beanee Weenee
and some leftover take-out rice,
but it doesn't taste
like anything
you'd ever want
to serve to someone.
And the new pan you bought,
uh, is is on fire.
(BLOWING)
And when you go to give
your dirty laundry
to your landlord,
for the first time, you feel
like a complete failure.
-You doing okay?
-LANDLORD: Yeah.
JOHN: You hear
about the the the virus?
LANDLORD:
JOHN: Yeah, it seems like
everybody's off work.
I don't know.
JOHN: I think, uh
LANDLORD:
JOHN: Yeah.
LANDLORD:
JOHN: Yeah, I hope so.
And you might start to read
a lot about how elderly people
were at the greatest risk
of getting sick.
And you might get scared about
passing anything between you.
So, for the first time in years,
you do your own laundry
at the laundromat
down the street.
But while you're there,
you might find out that
everyone is gonna have
to stay home for a while.
So you move your entire office
back to your apartment,
and set yourself up
to work from home
until this is all over.
Uh, hopefully very soon.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
At least you have a lot of time
to think now.
And to do things you've been
meaning to do for a long time.
Like finishing
that jigsaw puzzle,
killing all the cucarachas
in your apartment.
And you can finally keep
a close eye on the stock market
because your one share
of Domino's Pizza,
uh, seems to be doing
really well right now.
But watching new episodes
of Jeopardy! by yourself
is a lot less fun,
and you really miss spending
time with your landlord.
What is a pandemic?
ALEX TREBEK: We'll accept that.
Health and Medicine, 1200.
JOHN: When you look
in the backyard,
you see that she's started
to cover her mouth
in the garden.
And when the special rice
that you ordered
finally arrives,
you're not sure
what to do with it.
But then you notice that
your landlord has started to
secretly walk up the stairs
and put food there
for you to eat later.
This seems like
a great workaround
that you didn't think of before,
and you figure
you could probably
do the same safely with her.
But you want to be
absolutely sure
that there's no way
that this plan
could give her the virus.
So you call your
good friend, uh, who's a nurse,
to see what she thinks
about giving your landlord food.
Like, for me, I wouldn't
give food to anybody from me
because I probably have had
or have coronavirus.
I don't It's It seems
unlikely that I Yeah.
I think it's unlikely that
I've heard I mean,
I don't know.
I think that it's unlikely
that it transfers
-through cooked food.
-Nobody knows.
The food is cooked.
JOHN:
Yeah, the food is cooked, right?
I don't Nobody knows!
JOHN: And at this point,
you may not really know
what to do.
It might be too dangerous,
but if you don't
give her risotto,
then she might go out
looking for it herself
and get it from some other boy.
Food can't come out of nowhere.
It's it's got to come
from somebody.
And it looks like other people
are taking care
of their landlords, no problem.
Maybe you can still get close
without causing any harm.
But it's hard to know
how close you can get,
um, before you
uh, before you hurt it her.
But as you continue
to debate this with yourself,
you hear you hear
an ambulance outside.
(MUSIC STOPS) ♪
You see that your landlord
is getting into it.
So you text your landlord's
daughter to see what's wrong,
and it turns out
that she had a stroke.
It's not the first one
she's had,
and they needed
to get her checked out.
You begin to curse yourself
for waiting so long
to surprise her.
Maybe instead of trying
to perfect your risotto,
you should have just given it to
her the first time you made it.
And maybe now you'll never
be able to give it to her.
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(BLOWING SLIDE WHISTLE)
It seemed like
there was no right way
to do anything anymore,
and every decision you made
to survive
was a calculated risk.
And the world has no place
for a purist right now.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
When your world
gets turned upside down,
it can be hard to figure out
the new rules
and how to follow them.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
You start to notice
everything that changed
since you first
started filming the show.
People used to have to know
how to split the check
at a restaurant.
But not anymore.
And just when you were ready
to take your covers off,
you had to put them all back on.
And no amount of scaffolding
can protect you now.
We used to try to keep animals
from invading our spaces
but it seems like nature
is beginning to
reclaim its environment.
And even the refs don't know
what the rules are anymore.
And it's getting harder
and harder to make small talk.
Your memory of the way things
used to be
slowly begins to fade.
And you look for
any sign at all
that things are
returning to normal.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
But the next morning,
when you're cooking breakfast,
you see that your landlord
is back and in good health.
Hey, Mama!
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: How you doing?
You really want to catch up,
but you figure it's best
to keep your distance for now.
When everything you know
has to be thrown out completely,
your idea of perfection should
probably be thrown out too.
And you just have to do
whatever feels right.
I guess it's just best for me
to stay in here for now,
where I can dream of the day
when we can finally
eat together again.
Because by the time I'm allowed
to leave this apartment,
there's gonna be a whole
new set of rules
that didn't exist before,
and I may just have to relearn
everything I thought I knew.
But that's okay,
because we're all gonna have
to figure it out together.
And right now,
we got nothing but time.
This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
("ORCHIDS AND ROSES" BY
SYMPHONIA ORCHESTRA PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪