Hullraisers (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1
RESTFUL MUSIC PLAYS
CRAIG MURMURS
Fucking hell!
What time is it? It's ten o'clock.
On a Sunday morning.
We've slept in.
BOTH: Grace!
♫ All right, all right
Give me strength
♫ Give me love. ♫
Grace.
You got up on your own, Grace?
And you opened your own curtains?
Oh, my God!
Put your own socks on?
This is superb behaviour, kid.
Oh, my God!
Look at my skin.
Look how plump it is.
I'm glowing.
Craig
I've got no bags.
SHE GASPS
I need the world to see me
like this. I look amazing!
Do it. Me and Grace are gonna
build a fairy unicorn garden.
Have fun.
MUSIC: Boom Boom Pow
by the Black Eyed Peas
♫ I like that boom-boom-pow
♫ Them chickens jockin' my style
♫ They try to copy my swagger
♫ I'm on that next shit now
♫ I got that boom-boom-boom
♫ That future boom-boom-boom. ♫
Now then.
Why have you brought us here?
So we can have brunch together.
Then I'm gonna go for a run.
Brunch!
A run?!
Yeah, I feel like I can do anything.
I feel like For the first time
since I was pregnant,
I feel like me. You weren't you
when you were pregnant.
You were a weirdo.
You used to eat soap suds, remember?
Yeah, scooping big handfuls
from the sink into her gob.
Oh, yeah, I used to shovel 'em in
till they were coming out my nose.
She was the most pregnant person
that I'd ever seen.
Anyway, anyway
You know how it's my birthday
next Saturday?
Yeah? You know how my 30th, I'd just
had Grace and I felt like I was
really fat and tired,
didn't want anyone to make a fuss?
Yeah,
you made everyone's life a misery,
just because we had a small do.
I wanna have the party I never had.
I want to showcasethe new me.
I know it sounds mad, but
I feel like big things
are on the horizon for Toni.
Oh, shit - third person!
She's gonna focus on her career now.
Yes. She's gonna do a drama course
in Leeds.
Is she?
She's gonna reach for the stars.
Aw!
First I'm gonna reach for some cake.
Walton Street Club for the party.
I'll book it.
Hey, if we all chip in,
we could get her a cheap run-around.
Piss off am I buying her a car!
I'm thinking of us.
Who's gonna be taking her to Leeds
when she misses the train?
SHE SIGHS
Good point.
I'll go to Seany's garage tomorrow.
Seany?
Is he that one who does the
Multiple orgasms, yeah.
Bloody hell! Good luck on that run.
Mm!
That's nice.
You're right.
It totally is you.
You're thinking, "Is this me?"
It is.
Oh, I don't know if I could
get away with it.
Oh, what we gonna do with you, eh?
I get a bit intimidated
in shops like this.
I don't think I've got
the length of bone.
I aren't having this.
You are a material girl
in a material world.
Do you know who said that?
Madonna.
Pauline Prescott.
Do you have any comfy jeans?
You wear comfy jeans
after an operation.
You wear THESE jeans
when you're living your best life.
I won't get those over my knees.
I know.
That's why I'm here.
Oh, Jesus!
Do you think we should stop for air?
No way! Do you think that's what
Cheryl Tweedy said
when she climbed Kilimanjaro?
No. She carried on.
It's like vacuum packing a settee.
There's nothing on you!
THEY GROAN
TONI SIGHS
Right. Let's have a look at you.
SHE GASPS SOFTLY
I've got a bum!
I've never had a bum before.
I feel a bit emotional!
Thank you.
Thank you.
That'll be £70, then, please.
Cash or card?
♫ Don't push too hard
♫ Your dreams are China in your hand
♫ Don't wish too ♫
ASHLEY: Just popping out, Mam.
Come here a sec.
Oh, God!
Your Luke DJs, doesn't he?
Yeah. I need him for Toni's party.
And I want proper party tunes,
though.
Nothing that requires gold teeth
and a slut drop.
What the bloody hell is that?
It's from Luke.
It's not an engagement ring -
don't lose your rag.
But it is to show people
that I belong to him. Excuse me.
You don't belong to anyone, ever.
Unless you've got a joint mortgage,
and then
It's past the three-month mark now,
Mam. It's proper.
I really love him.
Ah, let's just give it
another three months, yeah?
Eurgh, look at your leg hair!
I thought you were gonna try
that place that I told you about
in town.
I walked in and I walked back out.
I'm not showing my '70s bush
in there.
They're all still doing their GCSEs.
Anyway, I've got Elaine
coming over tomorrow.
She's doing me a look
for Toni's party.
Maybe I could watch her.
You've got delicate colouring, Mam,
and it needs a light touch.
What you after?
Nowt.
I just thought we couldchill.
Oh.
Yeah, that'd be well dope.
Promise me
you'll never say "dope" again.
Mam!
PAULA CHUCKLES
Hey, you!
Think that'd be well dope.
MUSIC: Sunshine Of Your Love
by Cream
Oi-oi!
♫ It's getting near dawn
♫ When lights close
their tired eyes ♫
Rana. How you doing?
Yeah, no, I'm good.
So, listen
I need a cheap run-around.
Something compact, good-looking
and goes like a rocket
when you handle her right.
HE LAUGHS SOFTLY
I reckon I can rustle something up.
When do you need it by?
This Saturday for Toni's birthday.
No problem.
SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
So, when are you and me
gonna get naked?
I'm celibate now, Rana.
Do you even know
what that word means?
I just had this moment of clarity
in the middle of a threesome
with two losses from Hessle.
I thought, "I'm done with sex.
"There's got to be
more to life than this."
SHE SIGHS
There is.
20 minutes with me.
I'm a changed man. I've found
inner peace.
I'm done with sex.
I'm gonna kill those lasses
from Hessle.
What you want from me, Rana
you can find within yourself.
Trust meI really can't.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
I'm gonna take you to
a place you've never been.
Right, go on, then, sausage.
Put that on
the "enigmatic starlet" pile.
Ew! Yeah, this one's
going on the "haggard wench" pile.
Ready for your birthday?
Got a little surprise prepared.
SLAPPING
Look at it!
Look at it!
Who knows where I could end up
with an arse like this?
Emmerdale.
Grandma on Hollyoaks.
Wow!
What are these about?
Those are for the charity shop.
This is the new me.
If it doesn't make me
feel incredible, it has to go.
Last time you did that, you ended up
buying it back cos they'd ironed it.
Craig, I just wanna
into my birthday party and
everyone see that I've arrived.
But also
I've arrived.
Are these Grace's baby things?
You can't throw these out.
Yeah, yeah, I kept the cute stuff.
That's just from the dark days.
What dark days?
SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
Craig
Do you not remember the last four
years?
We were like the walking dead.
Never again.
All right, yeah, never again.
That's you, chuck.
SHE SIGHS
Voila.
Do you want a look?
Yeah, go on, then.
Ariana Grande!
Just like you wanted.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
God, I'm the spitting image of her.
PHONE CHIMES
Hold on a sec.
Oh, the magician's pulled out.
He's got double time
at the fish factory.
What am I gonna do?
Our Toni is expecting
circus de friggin' soleil.
Party's Saturday, right?
I'll do me clairvoyancy.
Yeah, that'd be ace.
Has the burning stopped?
Cos you don't want them peas
to defrost.
Oh, no.
Here y'are, Ash.
Whack them in t'freezer.
We'll have 'em for our tea tonight.
♫ Give me strength. ♫
Thank you all for coming today.
I invite you all to close your eyes,
and connect with yourself.
Welcome to Mind Over Matter
celibacy meditation.
SHE SIGHS
Trust me
it's better than sex.
Have you forgotten what sex is?
Just open your mind, Rana.
Give it a try.
For me.
BELLS DING
Fill your lungs.
HE INHALES DEEPLY
Access your inner enlightened self.
SHE SIGHS
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
HE INHALES DEEPLY
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
Open your eyes.
BELL DINGS
Wh Where's everyone gone?
You've been sat there for an hour -
they've gone home. An hour?!
How do you feel?
Free.
Amazing!
And so
calm.
Oh, my God!
I don't wanna shag you.
SHE GASPS
TONI GROANS
Oh, God! It's like putting
a sleeping bag back in its sack.
God, you're packing it on,
aren't you?
Oh, yeah, and you're skin and bone.
I was gonna say you look nice
an' all.
Mam looks lovely, doesn't she,
Auntie Toni?
Ashley's done me make-up.
I think it's took years off me.
Yeah, not the hard years, though.
They could do with going.
Cheeky cow!
RANA SIGHS
Oh. You all right?
I've had an experience.
I've seen the upside of celibacy.
Oh, squeeze in
Is that my Chloe bag?
Sorry, Auntie Rana.
I borrowed it the other day.
Oh, please let me take it
to the party.
I've only got ones
you could fit a microwave in.
Course!
I don't really need it.
I don't really need anything.
What do we need, really?
Have you been sniffing glue?
I've been to a place
I've never been before.
Have a drink. Oh.
Oh! Oh, Ashley,
you just pushed on my bladder.
Ugh! Just done a little wee.
That's your body letting go
of what you don't need.
No, it's age, that is.
And your buggered pelvic floor.
Just dab it with a J-Cloth.
I've just pissed on the most
expensive piece of clothing I own.
SHE SIGHS
Mm.
♫ Toni-i-ight
♫ All right, all right
♫ Give me strength. ♫
Oh, no!
♫ My boy Lollipop
♫ You make my heart go giddy-up
♫ You are as sweet as candy
♫ You're my sugar dandy
♫ Whoa-oh, my boy Lollipop
♫ Don't ever, ever leave me ♫
I don't understand. How did you
not know you were up the duff, Toni?
Did you miss a period?
I don't know. They come, they go.
I can't keep up with 'em.
Like the ebb and flow of the tide?
Yeah, something like that.
God, I can't believe this is
happening.
What you gonna do, Tone?
SHE HUMS NERVOUSLY
I'm gonna enjoy my birthday party.
Yeah, you are. Come here.
What am I gonna tell Craig?
Truth will set you free, Toni.
THEY CHEER
Life begins at 35!
Get this down you.
Happy birthday, Toni.
Happy birthday.
Hiya, darling.
Hiya, baby.
Hello. Wow, babe! You look well fit.
Craig Ready for your surprise?
Craig Yeah, don't be upset.
I've been rehearsing and everything.
You're really gonna love it.
Toni!
Big up the birthday girl!
You're looking gorgeous tonight.
Get on that dance floor!
Christ, it speaks!
Come on, everyone - join in.
Don't be shy.
MUSIC: Uptown Funk
by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
♫ This hit
That ice cold
♫ Michelle Pfeiffer
That white gold
♫ This one for them hood girls
♫ Them good girls
♫ Straight masterpieces
♫ Stylin', wilin'
♫ Livin' it up in the city
♫ Got Chucks on with Saint Laurent
Gotta ♫
SHE GASPS
Oh, my God!
What you doing?
Your sister's having a baby!
I'm gonna be an uncle?
♫ The chills that you spill
On my back
♫ Keep me filled
♫ With satisfaction ♫
Paula's just told me.
That's bloody amazing news.
I'm so proud of you!
Thanks, bro.
Anything you need, I'm here.
Ta, but
I don't need anything.
It's all inside me.
Hey. You should try it.
I'll put you in touch with Seany.
He'll sort you right out!
Wow!
There she is!
Oh, my God! I love it!
Oh, she's gonna love this!
Oh, yeah!
How you doing? Good, yeah.
You seemed pretty blown away
by the meditation the other day.
I was.
Saw who I really am.
And I've seen who I really am.
I've been thinking about all
the amazing times we had together.
I'm meant to be at it with you,
not
HE SCOFFS
..chanting, eating lentils and
wasting my best shagging years.
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
You up for it?
SHE LAUGHS
What you want of me,
you can find in yourself.
And what I want'sin there.
Can't we just do it in the back
of the car for old times' sake?
I'll leave you to it. Rana
♫ All the girls on the block
knocking at my door ♫
Oh, she's there.
Come on, girls. She's here.
She can't really tell things
about people, can she? Course not.
Her only skill is getting in close
proximity to a running buffet.
♫ One drop should be enough
♫ Boy, you belong to me
♫ I got the recipe
♫ And it's called black magic
♫ And it's called black magic, yeah
♫ Take a sip from my secret potion
♫ One taste and you'll be mine
♫ It's a spell that can't be broken
♫ It'll keep you up all night
♫ Boy, you belong to me
♫ I got the recipe
♫ And it's called black magic
♫ And it's called black magic,
yeah ♫
I've made contact.
Got a woman here?
Small.
Perm.
Smoking B&H.
Flicking it into her hand
like an ashtray.
BOTH: Mam?
She's saying
someone here is with child.
Does that mean anything to anyone?
Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Fucking hell, you've all been busy!
Did you tell Paula? No, course not.
Rana! I found your scan picture.
It's all right -
we're all here for you.
What scan picture?
I'm not bloody pregnant - Toni is.
YOU are?! Yeah.
Just found out. You're pregnant?
Yeah.
Hold on. No, the scan picture
has the surname Bansal on it,
and you and me are the only Bansals.
What? And me.
You're having a baby?
Why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to.
Hold on. You're both having a baby?
Oh, my God, it's like Jeremy Kyle
in here. I think I'm gonna be sick.
What you playing at?
You're only 17, Ash.
Is Luke the dad? Yeah!
Oh, my God.
He's playing Little Mix over there.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Can we have the birthday girl
to the dance floor, please?
I've got a little surprise for her.
There's a fucking great
huge one over here!
Do Bat Out Of Hell!
Toni
I'm so proud of you. I know I don't
always know how to tell you that,
so I've wrote it all down in a song.
It's called Shooting Star.
Two three, four.
Craig, I'm pregnant.
You what?
We're having another baby.
Mad scenes here! Toni's up the duff!
Yeah.
And so's my baby girl.
Luke!
LUKE!
I'm gonna rip your head off!
How do you feel about it?
Honestly?
I couldn't be happier.
I've always wanted another one.
Aw, Craig!
BANGING
Luke?
How do you feel about it?
I'm fucking gutted.
When I find you, I'm gonna
You little
I'll never fit
into these jeans again.
Come here! Luke!
Shouldn't one of us
try and calm him down?
Where are you? Nah.
Once he twigs he's gonna be
a grandad, he'll be over the moon.
Mam
me and Luke have got it
all planned.
Kelisi'll want for nothing.
Kelisi?!
Jesus wept!
I'm not baby-sitting for you.
You got yourself into this mess!
Are you all right, P?
Don't talk to me.
What about you, Tone?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just
watching my Oscar dreams
go down the plug hole.
Right, come on.
We need to make the most of this
before the bairns come along.
You and I are doing shots, Paula.
And, Toni
you can watch us doing shots.
Yeah, great.
Shots?
What happened to being enlightened?
Oh Come on, Paula.
I am.
I saw my true self
and you know what?
I am fucking brilliant just as I am.
No change required.
Wow! No, I mean, that is
That's really beautiful, Rana.
Isn't it?
Now, come on.
Let's get to the bar.
Paula?
What you doing in there -
making your will?
Just give me a sec, yeah? I'm
I'll be out
I'll be out in a minute.
OK.
SHE SNIFFLES
Hello, peanut.
MUSIC: Rebel Girl
by Bikini Kill
♫ That girl, she's the queen
of the neighbourhood
♫ She got the hottest dyke in town
♫ That girl, she holds her head up
so high
♫ I think I wanna be
her best friend, yeah
♫ Rebel girl
♫ Rebel girl
♫ Rebel girl, you are
the queen of my world
♫ Rebel girl
♫ Rebel girl
♫ I think I wanna take you home
♫ I wanna try on your clothes, oh
♫ Come and be your best friend
♫ Really, rebel girl
♫ I really like you
♫ I really wanna be
♫ Your best friend
♫ Be my rebel girl. ♫