Hunderby (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
Graham? (PANTING) I am like a man demented.
(MOANING) Oh, Doctor, we are playing with fire.
I am not.
Might Itake a tuft? To keep you with me, always.
(SCISSORS CLIPPING) (TWIG SNAPS) Oh! DR FOGGERTY: Oh! (BOTH LAUGHING) Tis only our limping Cupid.
I wish I could lie with thee forever.
Nuzzling thy nectar nook.
(MOANS) HESTHER: Graham? I Oh, you were pressing.
-Tis a new flower for your herbarium? -Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my Graham, you are tearful.
What burdens your heart so? just thesick and the needy, Hesther.
I so wish I could heal them all.
Hesther! You are a good man, Graham.
Such a good man.
To think I doubted you.
-Doubted me? -I am ashamed.
I have fallen prey in my darkest hour to the notion that you no longer find medesirable.
I And you have conjured some fevered notion that I am eaten up with lust for another and wake each hour with sticky britches? No! No.
It is just that I have had my hair quite different for over a week and yet you have remained silent.
Oh Oh, no, I do see it now.
You have grey-ened it? -(SOBS) My fringe, Graham.
-Oh, Hesther! I'm sorry, tis most framing.
I am a bad man.
I am a bad, bad man.
(BONES CRUNCHING) (WHIMPERING) Oh, come to bed, Graham.
I, I think I think I need just a moment longer.
Alone.
To pray.
-Let us pray together.
-I I should love that but I would not have you tire your knees.
-I shall pray for us both.
-Oh, Graham.
See how you always think of me? Oh.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ah! Dorothy.
-Your bubbly milk, sir.
-Thank you.
Dorothy, be sure to instruct Geoff on how to frothy my milk ere we part for Fiji.
I can live without comforts, but (CHUCKLES) bubbly milk is not one of them.
I'm so glad I'm still of some use, sir.
-I should love to plunge you.
-Oh, Graham.
And stay inside you all day like a dozing mouse.
Oh! -Graham? -Hesther! I have sought thee high and low.
I bring your luncheon.
Snout muffins.
-Thank you.
-Mistress Hesther, we were (STAMMERING) I I I I had a pain.
Oh, I hope nothing serious, mistress.
No, no, no, just a winter chill on my uvula.
Yes, it is rather angry back there.
Your uvula has bulbed.
-A large salve should ease the rosing.
-Thank you, Doctor.
Well, I should continue on my rounds.
-You do not want my muffins? -No, no.
I do, I do.
Yes, I should leave also.
I have so much to prepare for Fiji.
Hammocks andand biscuits.
And the suchlike.
Excuse me.
I shall be so very sorry to see her go.
Such a goodly soul.
(LOW GROANING) EDMUND: Now your turn.
So, take it in your hand, that's it.
And take it, yeah.
And hard Grip it.
Grip it hard.
Hard, hard, harder, harder, harder, faster, faster, faster.
That's it! That's it! That's it! Oh, now.
That's what I call bubbly milk.
(SLURPING) Tis only Old Ian, ma'am.
Carrying a sack of salted pigs feet for the sea voyage.
Though, in another light, one might take him for a hunchback.
Did I tell thee of the hunchback I met at the freak show, ma'am? A Master Waffen, was it? Or Whuffen.
A Master Whuffen? Uh, I know not.
(DOOR CLOSING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Helene, Helene, Helene.
My very heartbeat thumps Helene.
I must just tell you, my real name is Elisabeth.
I care not if thy name were Pew.
Oh! Graham? Can we run away? I've packed a small bag.
-Helene! You are sure? -Yes! Please, tonight.
Though God may strike us down.
I care not.
For my heart would break, Angel, if I let you be dragged away to the land of night-faced savages.
But what of Edmund? -And Hesther? -Yes.
Oh! God forgive me.
Nay, nay.
I merely thought for a moment of my poor, mangled wife.
But no, she has robbed me of enough years.
Forget Hesther.
And Edmund be blowed.
Oh, Graham.
We have but one life, Helene, and we must grab its horns and ride him hard.
(HELENE MOANING) -When will you come for me? -Tonight.
I shall pack a small bag and return for thee at 8:00.
I love thee.
(HESTHER GROANING) Oh, Hesther! Oh! (GRUNTING) I thank you, my dearest friend.
-I fear I grow weaker by the day.
-Nonsense, sister.
-You are strong, stronger than I.
-Alas, no.
In truth But no.
I cannot burden you.
My soulmate No, no, no.
You must.
God has not only seen fit to mangle my body and render me wooden, but now I am to end my days with the most deadly organ-palping disease.
What mean you? I am dying, Helene.
Dying as we speak.
No! Oh! My lungs! Like mousse! My only comfort is that my darling Graham will be by my side, loving me to the last.
Oh, Hesther.
Oh, tis nothing.
But please, do not tell Graham.
It would kill him to know how I suffer each closing moment of my most dark and blighted life.
I will not.
I promise.
But how long do you think you have? Days, perhaps.
Or possiblylonger.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I come for my wife.
I have my small bag.
I know.
Have you doughied of late? -Me likes this plumping frame.
-Graham, -I must speak with thee.
-And I with thee.
Oh, tis paradise to roam thy mallowed thighs with my fleshy pen.
Graham, please And thence wet it deep inside your woollen ink pot.
Graham.
We cannot be together.
You jest.
We are bound for a new life together.
It is impossible.
Butwe love each other! Graham, it is ended.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) -You will not take my kisses? -No.
-Nor ride again my weeping sword? -No.
You do not love me? (LAUGHS) I do not believe it.
Say it.
Say you do not love me.
Hmm? What's that? I cannot hear you.
I'm sorry? I cannot hear you! (SHOUTING) I do not love you! (BREATHING HEAVILY) (COUGHS) (SNIFFING) (GRUNTS) -Kidney brown! -EDMUND: Oh! -(CLAPPING) -You're very good.
DOROTHY: You've got wonderful nostrils.
EDMUND: That's very good.
DOROTHY: Ah! Mistress Helene has returned! Oh! I trust you will join us in our suppering? Dorothy has brought a special guest.
You may remember Master Whiffin, ma'am? From the freak show? Forgive me, I am most unwell.
I must to bed.
No, no, Helene.
I ask that you join our simple repast.
john requested pork saddles and there are still six -Eight.
-Eight more saddles afloat But I must to bed! Forgive me! Mistress! We have a blind and disabled man at our table.
I'm sure john would rather lollop in bed all day but he lives on with courage.
-Blind? -As a stone.
Your voice, it is curious familiar, ma'am.
I do not think so.
If (CHUCKLES) If john find it familiar, then let it be so! He's had a difficult life.
Tell your tale, john.
My wife did birth us a runt, then brained me and left me for dead.
(CHUCKLES) Dear, dear.
I wonder how such a woman could live with herself? Tis all devilry of course, but Master Whiffin has special powers! He has the hearing of a dolphin, he smelt the colour of Dorothy's skirt and they say he has a lucky hump.
Perhaps one rub of john's special lump may bring a miracle to madam's womb.
Bald David did touch it and now has hair in all the right places.
Yes.
Helene.
Touch the hump.
Touch Touch the hump.
Why not touch the hump, ma'am? Touch it, ma'am.
Come.
Rub him well.
Touch the hump.
DOROTHY: Touch it.
EDMUND: Touch the hump.
-Yes, touch him.
-Touch him.
Gently.
-Rub him.
-EDMUND: Touch him.
Touch him, ma'am.
Touch the hump.
(SCREAMS) Oh, Helene Helene.
(PANTING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAM ECHOING) (WHIMPERING) (GASPS) (WHIMPERING) jOHN: I smell thee, Elisabeth Whiffin.
No I am not she.
jOHN: Oh, 'cause you're a lady now, are you? -(GASPING) -You love him, do you? The good, pale master of Hunderby? He saved me.
You are my wife and you left me for dead.
(SOBBING) -And I have come to take thee home.
-No, I am not your wife, john! I was your slave and you did force yourself upon me time after time! Sorry! I'm Oh, forgive me.
(SOBBING) Forgive me, please.
(SNIFFING) -Oh! Oh, I hear him.
-Who? The little drummer boy.
Drumming His tiny heart, bouncing in your belly.
You are with child, wife! -Forgive me, sir.
-Oh, Dorothy! I've made a smudge.
I'm merely sketching a keepsake for the good people of Hunderby before we set sail for Fiji.
Well, I'm pleased to say, sir, that they will have no need of it.
How so? Why, you look as if you have taken the cream from the cat's very teat! (EDMUND CHUCKLING) Hunderby is saved, sir.
Mistress Helene is with child! With child?
(MOANING) Oh, Doctor, we are playing with fire.
I am not.
Might Itake a tuft? To keep you with me, always.
(SCISSORS CLIPPING) (TWIG SNAPS) Oh! DR FOGGERTY: Oh! (BOTH LAUGHING) Tis only our limping Cupid.
I wish I could lie with thee forever.
Nuzzling thy nectar nook.
(MOANS) HESTHER: Graham? I Oh, you were pressing.
-Tis a new flower for your herbarium? -Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my Graham, you are tearful.
What burdens your heart so? just thesick and the needy, Hesther.
I so wish I could heal them all.
Hesther! You are a good man, Graham.
Such a good man.
To think I doubted you.
-Doubted me? -I am ashamed.
I have fallen prey in my darkest hour to the notion that you no longer find medesirable.
I And you have conjured some fevered notion that I am eaten up with lust for another and wake each hour with sticky britches? No! No.
It is just that I have had my hair quite different for over a week and yet you have remained silent.
Oh Oh, no, I do see it now.
You have grey-ened it? -(SOBS) My fringe, Graham.
-Oh, Hesther! I'm sorry, tis most framing.
I am a bad man.
I am a bad, bad man.
(BONES CRUNCHING) (WHIMPERING) Oh, come to bed, Graham.
I, I think I think I need just a moment longer.
Alone.
To pray.
-Let us pray together.
-I I should love that but I would not have you tire your knees.
-I shall pray for us both.
-Oh, Graham.
See how you always think of me? Oh.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ah! Dorothy.
-Your bubbly milk, sir.
-Thank you.
Dorothy, be sure to instruct Geoff on how to frothy my milk ere we part for Fiji.
I can live without comforts, but (CHUCKLES) bubbly milk is not one of them.
I'm so glad I'm still of some use, sir.
-I should love to plunge you.
-Oh, Graham.
And stay inside you all day like a dozing mouse.
Oh! -Graham? -Hesther! I have sought thee high and low.
I bring your luncheon.
Snout muffins.
-Thank you.
-Mistress Hesther, we were (STAMMERING) I I I I had a pain.
Oh, I hope nothing serious, mistress.
No, no, no, just a winter chill on my uvula.
Yes, it is rather angry back there.
Your uvula has bulbed.
-A large salve should ease the rosing.
-Thank you, Doctor.
Well, I should continue on my rounds.
-You do not want my muffins? -No, no.
I do, I do.
Yes, I should leave also.
I have so much to prepare for Fiji.
Hammocks andand biscuits.
And the suchlike.
Excuse me.
I shall be so very sorry to see her go.
Such a goodly soul.
(LOW GROANING) EDMUND: Now your turn.
So, take it in your hand, that's it.
And take it, yeah.
And hard Grip it.
Grip it hard.
Hard, hard, harder, harder, harder, faster, faster, faster.
That's it! That's it! That's it! Oh, now.
That's what I call bubbly milk.
(SLURPING) Tis only Old Ian, ma'am.
Carrying a sack of salted pigs feet for the sea voyage.
Though, in another light, one might take him for a hunchback.
Did I tell thee of the hunchback I met at the freak show, ma'am? A Master Waffen, was it? Or Whuffen.
A Master Whuffen? Uh, I know not.
(DOOR CLOSING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Helene, Helene, Helene.
My very heartbeat thumps Helene.
I must just tell you, my real name is Elisabeth.
I care not if thy name were Pew.
Oh! Graham? Can we run away? I've packed a small bag.
-Helene! You are sure? -Yes! Please, tonight.
Though God may strike us down.
I care not.
For my heart would break, Angel, if I let you be dragged away to the land of night-faced savages.
But what of Edmund? -And Hesther? -Yes.
Oh! God forgive me.
Nay, nay.
I merely thought for a moment of my poor, mangled wife.
But no, she has robbed me of enough years.
Forget Hesther.
And Edmund be blowed.
Oh, Graham.
We have but one life, Helene, and we must grab its horns and ride him hard.
(HELENE MOANING) -When will you come for me? -Tonight.
I shall pack a small bag and return for thee at 8:00.
I love thee.
(HESTHER GROANING) Oh, Hesther! Oh! (GRUNTING) I thank you, my dearest friend.
-I fear I grow weaker by the day.
-Nonsense, sister.
-You are strong, stronger than I.
-Alas, no.
In truth But no.
I cannot burden you.
My soulmate No, no, no.
You must.
God has not only seen fit to mangle my body and render me wooden, but now I am to end my days with the most deadly organ-palping disease.
What mean you? I am dying, Helene.
Dying as we speak.
No! Oh! My lungs! Like mousse! My only comfort is that my darling Graham will be by my side, loving me to the last.
Oh, Hesther.
Oh, tis nothing.
But please, do not tell Graham.
It would kill him to know how I suffer each closing moment of my most dark and blighted life.
I will not.
I promise.
But how long do you think you have? Days, perhaps.
Or possiblylonger.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I come for my wife.
I have my small bag.
I know.
Have you doughied of late? -Me likes this plumping frame.
-Graham, -I must speak with thee.
-And I with thee.
Oh, tis paradise to roam thy mallowed thighs with my fleshy pen.
Graham, please And thence wet it deep inside your woollen ink pot.
Graham.
We cannot be together.
You jest.
We are bound for a new life together.
It is impossible.
Butwe love each other! Graham, it is ended.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) -You will not take my kisses? -No.
-Nor ride again my weeping sword? -No.
You do not love me? (LAUGHS) I do not believe it.
Say it.
Say you do not love me.
Hmm? What's that? I cannot hear you.
I'm sorry? I cannot hear you! (SHOUTING) I do not love you! (BREATHING HEAVILY) (COUGHS) (SNIFFING) (GRUNTS) -Kidney brown! -EDMUND: Oh! -(CLAPPING) -You're very good.
DOROTHY: You've got wonderful nostrils.
EDMUND: That's very good.
DOROTHY: Ah! Mistress Helene has returned! Oh! I trust you will join us in our suppering? Dorothy has brought a special guest.
You may remember Master Whiffin, ma'am? From the freak show? Forgive me, I am most unwell.
I must to bed.
No, no, Helene.
I ask that you join our simple repast.
john requested pork saddles and there are still six -Eight.
-Eight more saddles afloat But I must to bed! Forgive me! Mistress! We have a blind and disabled man at our table.
I'm sure john would rather lollop in bed all day but he lives on with courage.
-Blind? -As a stone.
Your voice, it is curious familiar, ma'am.
I do not think so.
If (CHUCKLES) If john find it familiar, then let it be so! He's had a difficult life.
Tell your tale, john.
My wife did birth us a runt, then brained me and left me for dead.
(CHUCKLES) Dear, dear.
I wonder how such a woman could live with herself? Tis all devilry of course, but Master Whiffin has special powers! He has the hearing of a dolphin, he smelt the colour of Dorothy's skirt and they say he has a lucky hump.
Perhaps one rub of john's special lump may bring a miracle to madam's womb.
Bald David did touch it and now has hair in all the right places.
Yes.
Helene.
Touch the hump.
Touch Touch the hump.
Why not touch the hump, ma'am? Touch it, ma'am.
Come.
Rub him well.
Touch the hump.
DOROTHY: Touch it.
EDMUND: Touch the hump.
-Yes, touch him.
-Touch him.
Gently.
-Rub him.
-EDMUND: Touch him.
Touch him, ma'am.
Touch the hump.
(SCREAMS) Oh, Helene Helene.
(PANTING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAM ECHOING) (WHIMPERING) (GASPS) (WHIMPERING) jOHN: I smell thee, Elisabeth Whiffin.
No I am not she.
jOHN: Oh, 'cause you're a lady now, are you? -(GASPING) -You love him, do you? The good, pale master of Hunderby? He saved me.
You are my wife and you left me for dead.
(SOBBING) -And I have come to take thee home.
-No, I am not your wife, john! I was your slave and you did force yourself upon me time after time! Sorry! I'm Oh, forgive me.
(SOBBING) Forgive me, please.
(SNIFFING) -Oh! Oh, I hear him.
-Who? The little drummer boy.
Drumming His tiny heart, bouncing in your belly.
You are with child, wife! -Forgive me, sir.
-Oh, Dorothy! I've made a smudge.
I'm merely sketching a keepsake for the good people of Hunderby before we set sail for Fiji.
Well, I'm pleased to say, sir, that they will have no need of it.
How so? Why, you look as if you have taken the cream from the cat's very teat! (EDMUND CHUCKLING) Hunderby is saved, sir.
Mistress Helene is with child! With child?