I Feel Bad (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

1 As a parent, you help to pass on your best traits.
I don't want to brag, but Lily's pretty, smart Sorry, sorry Smart, pretty, creative, and kind.
Hey ladies.
Up for some tetherball? No, 'cause we're not in kindergarten.
Okay, but if you change your mind, the ball's not going anywhere.
It's tied to a pole.
"Wanna play tetherball?" - What a weirdo.
- [both laugh.]
Hey, I heard that.
Oh crap, she got my mean side.
All right, I gotta go key my stepmom's car.
Deuces.
[electronic music.]
Okay, Lily, it is not okay to be mean to your brother like that.
Mom, he was bothering us.
He's so annoying.
Well [sighs.]
Lily and her friend, Sophia, were just really rude to Louie.
Lily, I'm disappointed.
And, really, with Sophia? She seems like one of your nicer friends.
She just complimented my shirt on her way out.
Yeah, did she say it like this: "Nice shirt.
" - Oh, I see it now.
- Yeah.
- I hate myself.
- Okay listen, Lil.
I'm sorry but you don't get to be mean just 'cause someone's annoying.
No friends over for a week.
You're hanging with Louie.
You have to be nice, especially to family.
Fine.
My life sucks! Ah, it' so hard to be you.
- Hey that was good co-parenting.
- That was good.
Let's celebrate with these gigantic glasses of wine I just poured us.
Well then, let me put the baby down.
Yeah, put the baby down.
Hey, Emet, your folks are here.
- Kay.
- Emet.
- What? - Come here.
Now-now-now-now, - now-now-now come here.
- What-what-what-what? - Look, look, look.
- [gasps.]
Oh, God no.
Oh, it's my annoying cousin, Leena.
Everything about her makes me crazy.
Yes, I know.
You hid from her at our own wedding.
Okay, you know what to do.
Hide.
- What? - Hide now.
- [doorbell chimes.]
- Hello? Emet, where are you? Oh my God, are you making naughty in the bedroom? That would be so awkward 'cause your parents are here! [laughs.]
Okay, we're gonna come in.
Hello! Yes, I'm hiding, and, yes, I told Lily she doesn't get to be mean just because someone is annoying.
But my cousin is so annoying.
Emet? Don't be rude.
Emet, we can see you.
Hi.
Oh, there's the baby.
There he went.
We couldn't find him.
- Hi! - Hey.
- Hey, cuz.
- Hi.
Get inside these.
Oh, I don't okay.
Let's do it that way.
Aw man, my life sucks.
[hip hop music.]
- - [sighs.]
Leena's so irritating.
Why did I have kids? Now I have to be a good example.
Anyway, so this little guy is my latest rescue.
I call him Goldblum because he's ugly but women love him for some reason.
I wish you could leave an adult woman in a basket on a church step.
Well, if your cousin Leena is half as annoying as you talking about her all morning, then I'm with you.
Yeah, Emet, your mom is forcing you to have her over for one evening.
Goldblum's mom tried to eat him.
You guys don't get it, okay? I need to be a nice person, like, Bruce Banner for Lily and Leena turns me into the Hulk.
Especially with her passive aggressive comments like, "You're really aging into your face.
" It's one dinner, just fake being nice.
Dudes do it all the time.
It's called, "charm.
" Gross.
Also, how do you do that? Well, you just need to follow the guy rules for a good first date.
Rule number one: Always laugh at her jokes, even if they're at your expense.
[laughs.]
Yeah, you're right.
My beard does look like glued-on pubes.
- That's so funny.
- Number two.
If you ever space out during her stories, they only three words you need to know are, "That sounds hard.
" The softer you say it, the more paying attention-y you sound.
And three: act like you care about her interests.
"Oh, when you buy a pair of shoes, they'll give "another pair to a kid in a third world country? I'm sure they actually do that.
" That sounds hard.
Oh, hang on - That sounds hard.
- Both: That sounds hard.
- That sounds hard.
- That sounds so hard.
You guys are all sociopaths.
And just for tonight, so am I.
So I can be a kind person and a role model for my kids.
Hey, Lily, do you wanna make potions? Sure, do you have one that will make you disappear? Lily and I can speak to each other just through a look.
Okay, Louie.
Potions sound cool.
Awesome.
We'll need the eye of newt and the blood of a virgin dragon.
Or we can just use an egg and hot sauce.
- [doorbell chimes.]
- Ugh, Leena's here.
Where's my calming potion? Hey Em'n'Em.
You're looking good.
- Thank you.
- You are so skinny.
Are you okay? Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Your mom and I have been chopping it up.
- [laughs.]
- They're like girlfriends.
Yeah, I talk, she talks, I talk.
It's like that show, "Sex and the Town.
" I'm the Carrie.
She's the Samantha.
So I guess that would make you the angry career woman who doesn't have time to watch the show.
- [laughter.]
- Fake it.
Fake it.
[laughs.]
[all laughing.]
Come on in, come on in.
It's just one night.
It's just one night.
I'm not gonna make it.
I'm not gonna make it.
I'm gonna smash her stupid face in.
Whose stupid face? Is it Auntie Leena? She's always bugged you, huh? I totally get that.
- No.
No.
Uh-uh.
- Mm-mm.
- I love Auntie Leena.
- Mm-hmm.
What you just heard me saying was something about the um From it's lyrics from You don't know that Frank Sinatra song? Smash her face in, stupid Smash that doll's face in Yeah You know, we've we've come a long way as a culture, musically.
I can do this.
I just need to get through one dinner with Leena before she leaves town.
- [sighs.]
- Emet, beta? I'm sorry I pressure you to cook.
Because then I have to eat what you make.
- Thank you for having us.
- Yeah.
So, kids, this must be exciting having Mom home.
She's usually at work playing video games while Grandma watches you, right? Oh, snap.
She went there.
Eyes down.
Eat your dinner.
Go to your happy place, and stay there.
Don't lose it.
Kids are watching.
Go to one of your guy rules.
Act interested.
Oh Leena, you have always had such cool jobs.
I am so interested to hear what your current endeavors are.
Oh.
- I'm into the healing arts now.
- Oh.
Actually, that's why I'm in town, for a crystal convention.
- I didn't know they had those.
- They do.
Most people are very skeptical, though.
Oh [scoffs.]
Not me.
Okay, I think crystals are real and important.
Oh, I wish everyone did.
'Cause I invested a lot of money into this and my rock babies are not moving.
I am ass-deep in lapis lazuli and debt.
Oh, beta.
Oh.
That sounds hard.
You know, we have never connected like this before.
Mm, I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow.
- I know.
- Oh, what are you gonna do? Then don't.
Emet has that big guest room and no friends.
Stay longer.
No.
Uh I mean, no, don't take the guest room.
- Take our bedroom.
- What Oh, my God, Emet.
You are being so nice.
Is that even you? [laughs.]
Oh no, I see a little mustache.
That's you, fo' sho'.
[laughs.]
Kidding.
But I will take the guest bedroom for a week.
It's gonna be fun.
Like cousin-on-cousin action.
No.
Do you have any, like, leafy greens? - These have no nutrition.
- Are you kidding? I have to keep this up for a whole week? Kill me now.
[tense hip-hop music.]
Hey.
I am not letting you invite Leena into my house.
You didn't even check with me.
Well, why should I check with you? You'd just say no.
You've always been horrible to that girl.
Then I have to hear about it from my sister, which is horrible for me.
Where are your clean sheets? Oh.
These are you clean sheets.
I'm horrible to her? Did you hear the way she talks about my work, my clothes? How can you be a corporate honcho and be so sensitive? She can stay on your couch at your condo.
You're not calling the shots, lady.
You're trapped.
You have to play nice because you're making Lily play nice.
How do you know about that? Her friend Sophia told me.
I ran into her at Bloomies stealing blush.
Something bad is happening in that girl's house.
[techno music.]
You idiots.
You gave me terrible advice.
What? No way.
Our advice for faking nice always gets us at least a second date.
I didn't want a second date, and now Leena's staying with me for a whole week.
Now I have to figure out a way to secretly get rid of her, without Lily finding out.
Ah, well, that calls for a whole other set of rules.
AKA: "Find your knickers, love, it's time to go.
" Yeah, you gotta make it impossible for her to stick around.
I dated this chick once who had a shellfish allergy and she mentioned marriage.
[groans.]
So I just rubbed shrimp all over myself every time we boned.
Long story short, she gone.
[gasp.]
Griff, you're brilliant.
Leena's allergic to dogs.
[hip-hop music.]
Norman, I'm gonna give Goldblum a loving home.
- Mine.
- Great.
You're gonna need to take regular fecal samples.
He's got a parasite.
- You and me both, Goldblum.
- [chime dings.]
You and me both.
Here we go.
I walk in with this mangy dog.
My cousin chokes on her tongue, goes home, and no one knows I'm a bad person.
Oh, Mommy's home.
Hi, Mommy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What the hell is that? Oh, I bought some crystal-infused water from Leena to be kind and try to set a good example for Lily.
It's disgusting.
- [dog growling.]
- What the hell is that? - Uh, okay, it's a dog.
- What? No, no, no.
We told the kids no dog.
Oh.
No, no, no.
It's not staying.
I don't even want the kids to see it.
Okay look, its face is cute, but its ass has worms.
Emet, what is going on here? - Don't worry about it just - Ah-choo! Um, is there a dog in the house? Oh, I think I see what's going on here.
[sneeze.]
Oh, I hate to tell you this, Em, but I am deeply allergic to dogs, remember? Which is ironic because I was a dog in a previous life.
Gosh, I am so sorry.
I just promised a co-worker that I would foster this poor, abandoned little guy.
But you know what? Back to the kill shelter for you, Tiger, kay? Or, you know what? David could take you to a hotel - Yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
If I can handle all the dust in this house, I can handle the dander.
[sniffs.]
Just keep that guy locked away and I'll power through this or die trying.
- [sniffles and sneezes.]
- Oof.
God, I really hope she dies trying.
[barking and growling.]
[panting.]
[hip-hop music.]
Okay, this plan is so immature.
Oh, okay, okay, I know, but in my defense, I thought it would work.
It's okay, I called Norman.
He's gonna come get Goldblum before the kids wake up, okay? Oh, my God, Goldblum, go to sleep, you horny Muppet.
You know you know what's gonna happen, right? Leena's allergic to the dog.
Her throat's gonna close up.
She's gonna die, And who's gonna take care of the body? You? No.
Me.
'Cause it's a man's job.
Please.
Come on.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- [dog barks, farts.]
- [sniffs.]
And we have our fecal sample.
- Okay.
Okay.
- That's on you.
- You take care of that.
- No That's how you make a friendship bracelet.
Now go make a friend.
I haven't practiced dance all week because of you.
Hey, you know what? I can help you practice dance.
I need some help shaking my badonkadonk though.
That's not my job.
Go watch a Ciara video.
Lil, just help your brother shake his badonkadonk.
Your dad and I had the worst night ever.
Mmm, best sleep ever.
[laughs.]
I slept so hard I forgot I was woke.
Anyway, I had the craziest dream last night.
Oh, you know what? I have to go to work.
- Otherwise I'd hear it.
- Oh.
Fancy office girl.
You know, I always thought your job was so cool.
I wonder if I'd be good at it.
Of course, you'd be good at it, beta.
It's just doodling cartoons.
Ping-pong, Pokémon, Donkey Schlong, whatever.
Emet, you should take her to GameSlap today and help her with her career goals.
Oh, yeah, you know what? I would love to.
I just, uh, can't be bringing people to work willy-nilly.
[whimpers.]
Oh no, I think Lily's onto me.
Uh, yes, fine, fine.
Leena, you can come with me for a few hours.
Ah, great! I'll make a playlist for the ride.
My drum circle just came out with an EP.
[electronic music.]
Okay.
Hey guys, listen.
Oh, well if it isn't the doggie un-adopter.
Luckily, I found him a new home.
But now there's a Goldblum-shaped hole in my heart that I will never Hey, what's up? Norman, humanitarian and Aquarius if you're into that.
Hey Norman.
Leo.
And in case you were wondering, - I'm not afraid of the dark.
- Oh, my God.
That means I'm into black guys.
Uh, guys, this is my cousin, Leena.
Don't mind me, just gonna be a fly on the wall.
Great.
Okay so, Chewey, did you do the background for the downloadable content? Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Question from the wall.
How much money do you make, Emet? [scoffs.]
Leena, that's personal.
What? I've never understood why money is so personal.
To me, personal is more like embarrassing stuff you wouldn't tell anyone.
You know, like that one time you made out with our cousin because you thought he looked like Michael Jackson.
- [laughter and uproar.]
- What? Do you remember that? Okay, great.
Let's get back to work.
Quick question though: Was the song playing when you were making out, was it, "Billy Jean Is Not My Cousin?" Or was it, "Annie Are You Okay With Me Making Out With My Cousin?" "It Doesn't Matter If You're Black Or My Cousin.
" - [laughter.]
- Hee-hee, a-hee! Listen, hey, Leena, let's let's get you a cab out of here.
Oh.
But I'm having so much fun.
- Boo.
- She just got here.
All right.
Well, add me on the 'Gram.
Bye.
Kay, move faster.
Before you make Hulk smash.
The heat will draw out impurities and other crap from your ear.
Thank you for allowing me to be part of your wellness journey.
I mean, not like you would take no for an answer Well a no is just a yes waiting to be born.
I learned that when I sold subprime mortgages.
- Namaste.
- Namaste, okay.
Oh.
There is a little bit of blood coming out.
- What? - I'll get alcohol swabs.
I think I'm light-headed.
Is that normal - [groans loudly.]
- What? Work is awful.
Home is awful.
Please tell me that you saved the pills the doctor gave you when your back went out, because I would like to sleep until she is gone.
- Emet.
- Oh, God! - Yay! - There she is.
You're home.
I have been waiting to tell you, there was an open admin assistant position at GamePunch, and guess who applied? - No.
- Me! We're gonna be work cousins.
We're gonna have breakfast together, and then we're gonna have, like, girls' night happy hour after work No, no, no, no, no.
That's it.
I have tried to be nice to set an example for my kids, but this is too far.
I'm done.
Can you handle it? - I'm gonna frickin' get her - [muttering.]
Hey First she invades my home, then she invades the place that I go to to get away from home.
And don't tell me to be nice.
I am ending it.
- Do it.
- Really? - End it.
- Really? Yes.
That woman is insane.
I mean, look what she did to my ear.
And that's the hole I'm least concerned about.
You know, I swallowed one of those water crystals? Now I have to wait for it to pass.
What are we gonna do? - I'm gonna go nuclear.
- Okay.
- My mother likes Leena, right? - Mm-hmm.
- What if she didn't? - I'm listening.
I mean, it sounds like I'm underwater, but I'm listening.
I'm gonna bring up the family scandal, of which we never speak.
[gasp.]
[groans.]
Oh, I thought the crystal was crowning, but no, it's not.
But also [gasp.]
Do you mean Yes, the diamond earrings.
- It's perfect.
- Oh, my God.
It'll just seem like my mom and Leena had a fight and our hands will be clean.
And Lily and Louis will still think that we are good people.
Oh, and your mom will freak out.
Do it, burn this family to the ground.
We've had a good run.
Yes, we have.
[soft hip-hop music.]
- Kids are watching a movie? - Yes.
- The baby's asleep? - Yes.
- Here we go.
- Hi.
Hi.
So, would it be weird if I put a tip jar on my desk at GamePunch? I mean, if I get the job.
Oh, you're gonna get it.
And then we're gonna celebrate, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes, party! Speaking of celebrations, hey, your parents' anniversary party is gonna be happening soon, right? - That's exciting.
- Mm-hmm.
It is.
I mean, it is a lot of work.
You've never given your parents an anniversary party, - so you wouldn't know.
- Mm-hmm.
[chuckles.]
Yes, that sounds amazing.
Hey, your mom is such a fashionista.
What is she wearing? Oh, a gorgeous black dress just dripping in sequins.
More sequins than Michael Jackson, you should like that.
- [laughter.]
- No.
That sounds so pretty.
What is the rest of her ensemble, though? Uh, some fancy black flats.
She can't do heels anymore.
Diabetes feet.
Oh, so sad.
Accessories? Oh, the diamond earrings Grandma left to her, of course.
Left to her? It's happening.
It's happening.
You mean the diamond earrings she stole from me.
No, Mom got those earrings fair and square.
Everyone knows she took care of Grandma at the end.
What bull[bleep.]
.
I hope someone left someone a set of plates.
If by "took care of her" you mean hovered over her like a vulture, waiting for her to take her last breath so she could steal the diamond earrings that were promised to my lobes then, yes! Leena, how could you? [speaking Hindi.]
Do I need to say it in English? No, no, no.
I'll go.
- [plate crashes.]
- Okay, that's wasteful.
Come.
[upbeat hip-hop music.]
- Oh.
- What? - Boom-chicka, boom-chicka.
- That way.
This way.
I am so angry my mouth tastes like metal.
Why would that silly girl bring up the family death earrings? Why? My darling, can you be so blind? You've been played.
What what are you saying, Googaloo? "What's your mom wearing to the party? "No, no, no, not the dress.
Talk some more.
"No, no, no, not the shoes on the diabetic feet.
Keep talking until you bring up the earrings.
" - Oh.
- Wake up, lady.
Emet used you to get rid of Leena.
Clever girl.
- [soft chuckle.]
- She has my best qualities.
Now I end her.
Bye, candles.
Bye, crystals.
- Bye - You can stop packing.
I think Leena should stay.
Damn it, you're onto me already? Your whole life you've been a little bitch to that girl.
- What's wrong with you, man? - I don't know.
You're the one who broke my Nate Berkus for Target plates.
She just she drives me crazy.
Why? You manage to be nice to all those losers that you work with.
What is it about poor Leena? Why can't you be nice to her? I don't know, maybe it's 'cause you're always nicer to her than you are to me.
Breakthrough.
I'm calling my shrink right after this.
You have always been kinder and more forgiving and more encouraging to Leena than to me.
You support her career goals.
You praise her for everything she does.
You chop it up like you're girlfriends.
What do you love so much about that whack job? I knew this day would come.
- Many years ago, I took a lover.
- What's that, now? I became heavy with his child.
I knew I had to hide my secret.
Your aunt agreed to take the baby.
And that baby was my sweet Leena.
She's my daughter.
Mom, you're a jerk.
She's selling rocks for goodness sake.
I'm nice to her because she needs it.
She has none of your talent or success.
You think I'm talented and successful? Why don't you ever say that? Why don't you ever tell me that I'm a good mom and grandma and I work hard and I look great for my age? Well, you do.
And I don't know.
That's why I tried to hide my hypocrisy from Lily.
Okay? I want her to be nice to Louie.
I want them to be better people than we are.
Um, I'm pretty sure we already are.
Oh, no.
All I did was normal big-sister stuff.
You plotted against your cousin and screamed at your mom.
- That's fair.
- Wait a minute.
Is "Smash Her Stupid Face In" even a real song? No.
Unbelievable.
Okay, if those two little buttheads try to milk this for iPads, you're going halfsies with me.
All right, I can be a hypocrite.
But if I want my daughter to be a better person, that means I have to be a better person too.
Which is such a pain in the ass.
But here it goes.
Leena, I have to be honest.
I tried to sabotage you with my mom to drive you out of my house.
And I'm sorry.
What is wrong with you? I'm kidding, I totally understand why you had to get me out.
[yawning.]
[sighs.]
It's pretty clear your husband's into me.
Oh, I don't think David's And that's why I probably shouldn't come around anymore.
Hello, honesty? Hold please.
Yes.
Yeah, I think that's very wise.
This must be so hard for you, knowing your husband really wants me, but is stuck with you.
But while we're being honest, I wanted to let you know I kissed Jagdish, too.
- At his wedding.
- Oh.
I'm bad.
I know.
In front of his wife.
[soft laugh.]
Okay.
Guess this is good-bye.
Oh, bye forever.
Okay.
The airport, m'lady? Oh.
Thank you.
Also, I'm gonna need a large Gatorade, a cheeseburger, and just some straight-up cash.
Well, I have water and treats for you in the car.
Mmm.
One man's mess is another man's rescue.
Let's go with that.
- [horn honks.]
- Come on! Yeah, bye.
Oh, okay, I see that heart.
Okay, gosh Oh, broke the heart.
[soft laugh.]
Leave, you.
Skedaddle.
All right, how'd that go? - She gone.
- [exhales.]
Oh, and she thinks that you're in love with her.
All I heard was, "she gone.
" [both laugh.]
- Oh.
- What? - Oh, no, oh, it's happening - Yeah, it's the crystal.
Okay go in there and, uh, - focus on the exhale! - Okay.