I Hate Suzie (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

(CLEARS THROAT)
Can we get a snatch of a song,
just to see if you can hold a note?
I know it seems daft to ask you,
but, you know
No, it'sit's fine.
It was all autotuned back then,
so just really,
really lower your expectations.
(BOTH LAUGH)
WOMAN: OK.
(SINGS) A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How that music
used to make me ♪
Shall I get up?
Um (HUMS)
Sorry. Um (SQUEALS)
(HUMS)
(SINGS) February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step ♪
That's fine.
-I can't rem ♪
-OK!
-Oh.
-Thanks.
-Really?
-MAN: Yes.
-WOMAN: Lovely.
-OK. Thank you.
Suzie, thank you so much
for coming today.
-God, are we done? OK.
-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.
-Thank you!
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
BOTH: Nice to see you. Thank you.
-Say goodbye.
-Bye-bye, Frank.
-How do you say goodbye?
-Um, just as you would normally.
-Oh. 'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye.
-'Bye.
'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye.
-Thank you.
-'Bye.
-OK, 'bye.
-'Bye!
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
Really?
Really? No, YOU were very good.
You were very good. You're Mummy's
secret weapon, do you know that?
You bring Mummy luck.
You bring Mummy such luck.
(SOMBRE ARPEGGIO)
(OWL HOOTS IN DISTANCE)
Look. Swimming pool.
Yeah.
Yeah, but where you are now
at school,
you have lots of friends, don't you?
You're special there,
so would you rather be special
or fit in?
Yeah. I hear you.
(TABLET RINGS)
(GASPS) Oh, look, it's Dad.
-Hey.
-COB: Hey!
-How's the study trip?
-I thought you were asleep.
-Are you still awake?
-Are you still in Paris?
I thought you'd be on the train
by now.
Yeah, we actually
We actually missed the last train.
We missed the Eurostar,
so the students are looking at
somewhere to stay.
-Valerie's on it.
-VALERIE: I'm on it!
-She's on it.
-Right.
VALERIE: This one here. Four stars
So, what about tomorrow?
I mean, don't Youyou don't
have to come if you It's fine.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'll come straight there.
I'll get the first train and I'll,
um I'll come straight there.
-Fuck! Shit!
-(LAUGHTER)
My God, I nearly just walked into
one of those French piss things.
-What are these called?
-VALERIE: I don't know.
-Pisseur. Viva la pisseur!
-VALERIE: Viva la pisseur!
Oh.
Crazy.
(THEME MUSIC)
(GLASS SMASHES)
Uh, these hierarchies
are all fucked up,
Mr Sitting in the Front.
Oh, I can feel the hair on my back
stand up as we cross the border.
-Your back?
-Yeah, I'm covered in hair.
You know that. Why are you
so relaxed? Is Cob not coming?
-Oh, my God, is that why I'm here?
-No, he was.
He's stuck in Paris
with his students.
I sort of hope he doesn't,
for his sake.
Have your family seen the photos?
-Poor Cob.
-Poor Cob.
My family don't mind a slag,
but you don't wanna be married
to one, do you know what I mean?
-God, I hate going home.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-Embrace yourself.
-Nah.
That is why I'm, like, totally sold
on having a kid on my own.
Like, burn this trad shit down.
Well, there'll be
lots of free spunk at this.
My dad's side are
irresponsibly fertile.
-Oh. (GAGS)
-(LAUGHS)
God, how's your mum going to cope
with your dad being there?
(GROANS)
Oh, did you hear back from
the musical?
-No.
-No.
Mm-mm.
-NAOMI: Oh.
-(ENGINE STALLS)
-NAOMI: Oh, Jesus.
-Alright, here we are.
(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)
Come on, then, darling. Let's go.
Oh, God.
Bloody all these bloody people.
-Yeah, it's a wedding, Mum.
-Hey, Mrs P.
Oh, hello, love.
Hey. I've been praying for you.
Come here. Come here.
Ooh, little fella!
Jeez, haven't you got him
one of them cochlear things yet?
-He doesn't want one.
-Well, he's seven.
How does he fucking know?
Have you not seen the videos?
They're heartbreaking.
It doesn't work like that for
everyone. He's not a good candidate.
No, no, no.
No, they even do it with dogs now.
And there's one hearing his owner for
the first time and his little tail.
Oh, it's marvellous, yeah.
Come in, sweetheart.
-Oh, you're looking lovely, Naomi.
-So do you!
-Ah!
-MAN: Here she comes! First born.
SUZIE: Hello, Jon.
I didn't recognise you
without a penis nearby.
-MAN: Whey-hey!
-WOMAN: Jon, don't start.
-MAN: There is a penis nearby.
-WOMAN: It's you, Jon!
Ow. Has he gone outside?
JON: Give me the, um
Pass me the thing.
-What are you after now?
-Is this what we're using?
Excuse me.
I'll get you a drink in a minute.
NAOMI: Mm, look at this spread.
Well done, Karen.
-(SHOUTS) Nah-nah!
-(SCREAMS)
-What are you doing?!
-Now I recognise you. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah.
Bit light for you, though,
Suzie girl.
SUZIE: Was that worth it?
Was it worth it?
-(LAUGHTER)
-Bloody hell.
Dad, can I have a fag
whilst he's out?
Give us a light.
Has he left you, then,
out of embarrassment?
-NAOMI: Oh, Jesus
-Don't worry. It's alright.
-KAREN: Here you go.
-Thank you.
JON: Made my eyes water
and I only saw the blurry ones.
-(SHANE SINGS)
-Alright, Shane?
-Yeah, you alright, Suz?
-Mum, where should we get changed?
-Shall we just go upstairs?
-What's that? I can't hear.
-What did you say?
-I said, "Where are we changing?"
Nah, Suz, you sound like
you've got something in your mouth.
-(MUTTERS)
-(BOTH LAUGH)
Phil, don't do that when Cob's here.
Don't 'Phil' me in my own house.
Literally not your house.
Yeah, but you can't go upstairs,
can you, sweetheart,
'cause, um, your sister's up there,
isn't she?
WOMAN: No, not her. It's him.
He can't go upstairs.
NAOMI: Starting early.
-Alright, Suz?
-Oh, hi.
-NAOMI: Alright, Danielle?
-DANIELLE: Alright.
I can't think straight. Um, what are
you all doing sat in the kitchen?
Go on, sod off, all of you.
PHIL: Harpy!
(ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
DANIELLE: 'Ere, you know
what I wanna know?
-KAREN: I'm trying to cook!
-How many famous people you met?
Well, I work with famous people
every day, so literally all the time.
No, not you. Suz.
How many famous people you met?
-Name them.
-Oh, I've met loads.
I've met Louis Theroux, I've met
-Louis who? Who? Who?
-Louis Theroux. You know who that is?
-No.
-Oh, my God.
-Next. Who else?
-What? Well, I've met loads.
Like, what, do you want me
to just list famous people?
DANIELLE: Yes.
What's going on with
all this naked stuff?
-I mean, I'd feel terrible.
-Straight in.
I'd feel awful. I would feel so
awful. Did you sell it or something?
What?! No!
Nah, it's an awful angle for anyone.
-I'd have deleted it.
-I did delete it.
They store
recently deleted stuff too now.
Oh, I'm gonna be really rude.
Gonna be really rude right now.
Do you know when you go on top?
You know when you go on top, right?
You know what I'm talking about.
Right, when you lean
When you lean over,
you wanna get a mirror
and check what they are seeing.
I've got udders.
And I go to BODYPUMP twice a week,
do you know what I mean?
-Where's your boyfriend, Naomi?
-KAREN: Oh, no, no, no.
-NAOMI: Where's my boyfriend?
-Do you remember? She's not, um
-She's
-No, no. Well, I'm actually 50-50.
She's into women.
Oh, mate, I would
(GAGS) ..at a fanny.
Don't you wax them every day at work?
Yes. I get paid to do that.
I'm not nose-deep in it.
60-40. 60-40 men now, talking to you.
DANIELLE: One time, during a massage,
I was so hungover,
I vommed all over her lower back.
70-30.
That's my limit.
That area, it's a no-go, mate.
Strictly dickly, me.
Alright, Danielle, I wouldn't do you
either, so chill out.
-Oh, charming! (LAUGHS)
-KAREN: Shane!
Shane'sShane's cousin's here,
isn't she?
-Oh, yes!
-She plays netball for Kent.
She's gay!
Actually, Naomi's in the market for
a bit of spunk, if there's any going.
Didn't Cob want to have more kids
and then you didn't?
Oh, my God. That's not true, is it?
-Oh, Mum
-NAOMI: It is true.
Well, there's a solution.
You can have her old fella.
-Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.
-I think even I might have a line.
-Fill your boots.
-(WOMAN LAUGHS)
-Mum's strictly dickly, right, Mum?
-KAREN: Oh, yeah!
DANIELLE: Cheers to that.
To the strictly dickly crew.
Alright?
-Alright?
-Alright?
Oh, babe!
Alright, Grinny?
This is mad, isn't it?
Look at you. Look at you.
So crazy, 'cause you're eight still,
aren't you?
-How are you? What the fuck?
-Don't. How am I?
How are you?
You've got a lot of make-up on.
No, this is normal.
Right. I've brought
the magic showbiz box.
So, have you got any words of wisdom
for your sister?
You've done it enough times.
Well, it's a sign
I'm not very good at it, Grin.
(WHISPERS) Can't say that.
I'll bet this dress
makes you want to be sick.
No.
Your father's doing
me bloody head in.
It's good.
It's looking quite creased on there.
Oh, you look like a model.
Look at you.
She's gorgeous, isn't she? (CHUCKLES)
This is actually really good.
-KAREN: Give us a fag.
-Oh, blimey, what are you doing?
Mum, what are you doing?
You're sat on the dress.
-Bloody hell. Keep your hair on.
-You're just going to crease it all!
You're just smoking next to it.
It'll go up.
-It's creased anyway. Jesus.
-GRINNY: What are you like?
-Hey, Ferd.
-Alright.
Alright, Shane? Budge up.
(COMMENTATOR SPEAKS ON TV)
JON: Thing is, that centre forward,
I've seen milk turn faster.
-Size of his arse.
-PHIL: Size of YOUR arse.
-(LAUGHS)
-JON: He ain't fit. Look. Look.
GRINNY: Karen says
you've done a porno.
No, I didn't. I-I didn't.
Who's the bloke in it?
I bet you shat yourself.
-No, it doesn't matter.
-GRINNY: It's all them Kardashians.
KAREN: Just worried about you.
A married woman doesn't need
to do all that stuff.
Look, honestly, when I think about
what's on my phone
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-DANIELLE: Suz! Your husband's here!
OK, off.
COB: Bonjour! I hear a television.
It must be a wedding day.
COMMENTATOR: I wonder what
Marco Silva would do about this
with Liverpool
pegging his team back
Oh, here he is. Sound of the devil.
OK. Shane, congrats.
I see you're enjoying your last
free moments there. Quite right.
Take a pew. Liverpool scored.
Utterly convinced, aren't you,
if you keep telling me things,
eventually I'm gonna care.
Hello, Phil.
Not even a joke about my wife
in those photos?
No? I thought that'd be
right up your street.
-Feel free to shout, "Cuckold."
-That's my daughter.
Well, indeed. Yes, it is. Yeah.
Not gonna allude to me
being unable to satisfy her?
I expected a bit more badinage, mate.
-What's a cuckold again?
-(LAUGHS) You'll find out.
-(MEN CHUCKLE)
-Porn thing.
-When a black guy does it.
-OK.
FERD: Fucking
Shane, will you move?!
Well, I'm gonna let Naomi
deal with thatthat bombshell.
I can see it's sending her into
an intersectional feminist frenzy.
COB: Good stuff.
COMMENTATOR: ..in no-man's land.
It's Firmino!
(MEN CHEER)
Excuse me, ladies.
Excuse me. Don't mind me.
KAREN: Oh!
-COB: Hiya.
-KAREN: Hiya, Cob.
Hey, love. Sorry about the Eurostar.
Sounds like a nightmare.
Naughty, aren't you,
coming into the secret chamber?
-I know.
-Hello, B-law.
Vision.
Do you know,
I always forget how tall you are.
-How tall is he?
-He must be 6'2" if he's a day.
-He's 6'.
-(LISPS) 6'2" in my heels.
GRINNY: I wouldn't let him out of
your sight if I were you, Suzie.
Sorry, they said this was
the best place to get changed.
I think Shane's using the loo. Ooh!
It's good luck! They say, "The looser
the bowels, the truer the vows."
Do you want us to Should we leave
while you get changed?
No, no, no, Mum. This is
the bride's getting-ready space.
COB: It's fine. It's just a
It's a late hen party for you all,
isn't it?
(WOMEN LAUGH)
-Suz, you went up for a musical?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I just thought, you know,
maybe less getting murdered and raped
and zombied all the time, you know.
Maybe just a bit more tap dancing.
-Oh, are you gonna do a musical?
-Yeah, I mean, it's just an audition.
But it's actually
It's a new musical.
It's pretty vibe-y. It's called
'A Party for Monica Lewinsky'.
Right. And who would you be playing?
I've always wanted to be in a chorus
line. It's, like, my absolute dream.
Why, even in, like,
your wildest fantasies,
are you just
a faceless chorus member?
I mean, it'sit's your dream, Mum.
You could literally star.
Sorry, you're gonna get away from
everything that happened recently
by playing Monica Lewinsky?
Can you even sing?
Yeah, I was a professional pop star.
COB: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
OK. Um
Have you got a bag for these?
Don't want to ruin the line.
Yeah, I'll put it my bag.
Merci beaucoup.
I'm just gonna check
if Shane's out of the toilet.
-KAREN: Have you been training?
-You're goddamn right, I have been.
-Have some of this.
-GRINNY: Nice hairy chest.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
COB: I don't mind my hairy chest.
I trimmed it, actually.
That's a trim. (LAUGHS)
(MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL CHATTER)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Uh, news - the musical wanna
take you up to a dance audition.
It's pretty much
what you've done before
but the choreographer's
only in today.
-Can you do it over Skype?
-What, today, like, now?
Yeah. I said
the only time you're free is now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let'slet's do it.
But don't tell Arch.
I don't wanna pull focus.
No. Let's go.
Can I just put it over here?
-Can you see me?
-MAN: That's good. I can see you.
I just need you to copy what I'm
doing, OK? Keeping it really basic.
Um, I mean, alright.
As long as you can hear me
talk to the beat.
Just going to be like this, OK?
OK, I've been sent to do the face.
Lucky you.
-That's nice of you, Naomi.
-Yeah.
Sit down, Arch. Let's have a look.
Uh, should we start
with the eyes or?
Yeah. We were thinking
about Cleopatra eyeliner.
-Just straight and neat.
-Yeah? Like a flick?
-Yeah.
-Sure. OK.
-Neat.
-Yeah, neat. Sure.
Um
Uh, well,
'cause I'm used to doing my own,
if I just start here in the corner
and work across
Nah. Nah, no offence.
-What?
-You're not equipped.
-Mum, look at that.
-Oh, fuck.
Oh, you need to smudge it.
-Smudge it.
-Smudge it.
On her wedding day. Fuckin' hell.
Well, now I've lost confidence.
MAN: ..five, six
and seven, eight. And one
-..three and four.
-One, two, three, four
No, no, no, no.
-You've got to go in.
-MAN: With me, Suzie.
-OK, take it from the top.
-Sorry. Start again. OK.
And a one
-One, two, three, four, five, six.
-Change.
Seven and a one, two, three
Phil, come on. Come on! Come on!
(LAUGHTER)
(PHIL SINGS) If she don't come,
I'll tickle her bum
With a lump of celery
Celery! ♪
-Wahey!
-No, go away!
-SUZIE: I'm doing my tape!
-What's going on out there, then?
-Don't film me! What are you doing?
-Why not? They're gonna love it!
-I'm so sorry.
-(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
-Mum, he looked right at me!
-Sorry, I'm at my sister's wedding.
You stupid bastard, Shane.
You're not supposed to look!
I didn't see anything.
Arch, I didn't see ya!
Oh, it doesn't matter!
OK, I'm gonna have to call you back.
You've probably fucked it
with your eyes now!
Fuck off.
I didn't see anything! Arch!
-Smash a mirror and cancel it out.
-It doesn't work like that, Mum.
-SUZIE: ..get that job.
-(LAUGHTER)
Five, six, seven
She can't control
who comes into the garden.
Whatever. It's fine. Just don't bring
this energy into the minivan.
I just don't want you
remembering this
as Suzie making it all about her.
We'll finish the make-up en route.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(FLY BUZZES)
('BRIDAL CHORUS'
BY RICHARD WAGNER PLAYS)
Why is it only married people
that cry at weddings?
KAREN: Oh, God. (SNIFFS)
Apparently,
I haven't got anywhere to sit
because I'm not supposed to be here.
-Result.
-Oh, you are supposed to be here.
You can't just say that
and it's true. It's fine.
(KAREN GROANS)
(BLOWS NOSE, GRUNTS)
Ooh.
(DOOR CLOSES)
By the way, your dad's in
a bit of state about everything.
And he wants me to ask you something.
What?
Alright, you're not allowed
to get angry with me, alright?
Oh, no, here we go.
No, listen,
I don't know anything about this,
but your dad's gonna do a chat
with one of the men from the 'Sun',
just so you know.
What?
It's 30 grand, love.
Whatwhat
what are you talking about?
They just want to talk to him about
stuff and your life, you know.
I mean, it's about all of us,
all this.
And Archie is gonna get 30 grand
as a gift for a deposit.
I mean, have you got her a gift?
Yeah, I've got her a gift.
I've got her a
-What?
-An air purifier that also cools.
Nice, but this is better.
It's a house.
Hang on. Dad's gonna talk to a paper?
Yeah, but he's stressed that YOU
are gonna get stressed about it.
OK, alright. Alright, Mum.
-Just another day
-It's 30 grand!
By the way,
what the fuck are you doing
relaying messages
for your ex-husband?
I don't know. Just
That's all, anyway.
-Yeah.
-Right, just don't ask!
Alright, Mum. Fucking hell.
('JUST A LITTLE' BY LIBERTY X PLAYS)
Yeah, yeah
Mm
Sexy
Everything about you ♪
Oh. I don't want any more.
I just want a bit of cheese.
-That's what you wanted, Dad.
-Here, you have it.
Shane, come and meet my cousin.
Come on, Shane. Come on.
-Alright?
-Alright?
Mum said
you're gonna talk to the 'Sun'.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Why is she making a thing about it?
What do you even know about it?
I know my daughter's
all over the papers.
No, I'm not all over the papers.
Naomi's seen to that.
They're not allowed to print it.
It's illegal.
They're doing a piece on
the men in your life
What?
..which I do have some feelings
about, actually, historically.
(LAUGHS) Wow.
Wow. I mean, I-I cannot
I cannot believe you're gonna
try and make money out of this.
I'm not making money out of it.
I'm giving 20 of it to your sister
as a wedding present
-Right.
-..as a deposit for a house.
OK, what about the other 10?
-OK, Phil?
-Having a good time?
-Yeah, great.
-Lovely. Nice to see the family.
It's just words, Suzie. It's mental.
They give it to you for words.
I know, Dad. I know.
Don't you think they came to me?
Didn't YOU think to come to me?
So, I have to come to you
for permission
to talk about my own family?
-Is that the rule now?
-Have you already done it?
You're in charge of the family now,
are you?
Apparently, Dad, yeah, I am.
All I know is your sister is never
gonna be able to buy a house,
and I can't help because
You pissed away all of your money
Because of the collapse of
the industry I worked in.
What, the fuckin' managing
local bands? That industry?
Yeah, do you think the internet
doesn't affect live music?
I literally paid off your mortgage.
Yeah, and moved it into
your mum's name.
Yeah, because you left the house.
Then I didn't get nothing paid off,
did I?
I didn't get nothing.
Story of my life.
And now you say I can't say
a few words to a bloke on the phone
for a rag that no-one reads?
Controlling. You wanna control me,
wanna control my voice.
Well, I'm not gonna
be controlled anymore.
Hmm.
Got it?
Dad's gonna sell a story on me.
And you, I suppose.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(PHIL, JON AND COB ARGUE)
They're jackals, Phil.
You'd understand that.
-WOMAN: Come sit here.
-And it fucked that marriage up.
Stay sensible.
Jude, Naomi. Naomi, Jude.
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Jude.
-Jude plays netball.
-Yes, I remember. Thank you.
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
-Want some wine, Jude?
-Yes, please.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
-Do you want this, Ferd?
-FERD: No, you have it, darlin'.
-Eugh.
-DANIELLE: Alright, you two.
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
I'd like to introduce
the father of the bride.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
PHIL: Thank you.
(SINGS) Regrets ♪
(MILD LAUGHTER)
When you have kids, you think,
"Oh, God,
I've got to keep them alive.
"I've got to keep these little
girls alive."
But then you don't just
keep 'em alive.
You've got to keep them happy
and safe and warm and fed
and even that's not enough, you know?
-Apparently.
-(LAUGHTER)
"No, Daddy, you mustn't shout."
You have to say "excuse me"
when you burp.
-(LAUGHTER)
-JON: Yeah, as if you ever did!
"You shouldn't eat eggs
from those battery ones."
I remember Archie saying to me,
"You can't sit on that deckchair,
Dad," on the beach,
"'Cause you gotta pay for it."
And I said, "It's alright.
They'll come round."
But she was very cross
that whole time.
Do you remember, Squidge?
"No, you gotta pay for it, Daddy!"
And I'm from the '60s.
"Fuck the deckchair man."
(LAUGHTER)
So I walk all the way down the beach
to find the bloke.
Course, when we get back there,
there's these other bastards
sat there.
Now, I'm about to lose my absolute
And there's Archie, beaming.
She said, "They don't even know
they're a present, Dad."
GUESTS: Aww!
'Cause that made her day.
(APPLAUSE)
That wasn't
-What?
-That wasn't That never happened.
-That was me.
-Sure.
PHIL: makes you a better man,
which is what my kids did for me.
So I don't need to think of
anything else to say
'cause I'm so happy for you.
And, um, it's good to, and nice to,
feel something pure
because there's not a lot that is.
And you gotta remember when
something's pure, haven't you? OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
MAN: Everyone, I'd just like to do
a toast to Shane and Archie.
ALL: Shane and Archie.
-Cheers.
-Love you.
Cheers, Mum.
THE CLASH: Down the Casbah way
As soon as the Shareef
was chauffeured outta there
The jet pilots tuned to
the cockpit radio blare
As soon as the Shareef
was outta their hair
The jet pilots wailed
The Shareef don't like it
Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
The Shareef don't like it
Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
The Shareef don't like it
He thinks it's not kosher
Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
The Shareef don't like it
Fundamentally can't take it
Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
The Shareef don't like it ♪
(CHEERING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYS)
COB: You guys will probably
sleep together tonight.
Your husband's an arsehole.
Why is it OK for you
to say that to me?
If I said that to you,
you'd all explode.
'Cause it's factually accurate.
I was just saying
I find weddings depressing.
No, you were saying
they WERE depressing.
-You were claiming it as a fact.
-Because it's a fact to me.
No, it's about the amount of hope.
That's the exact opposite
of depressing, surely.
You have this woman handed from
one man to another man
Oh, my You don't mean that.
You don't even think that.
You're just quoting from some idea
which is just as received and false
as you say marriage is,
just to impress
-OK, that's fine.
-No, no, no.
No, 'cause I could easily play
devil's advocate
with the whole who owns what thing.
Ooh, devil's is
my favourite kind of advocacy.
-Oh, guys, come on.
-Oh, good, OK.
Well, no, man-bash. Sure.
That's genius. But just
OK, say, for example, say men
wanna be with a woman, right?
Wanna be in a relationship
with a woman.
So women say, "Why should I be?
What are you offering me?"
Well, what are you offering her?
So men go out and they kill animals
and they build huts
and they build civilisations,
they make an empire.
"What about protecting me?
What if you're not around?"
"OK, yeah, good point."
So he goes out and he makes
the police force and the army
and he persuades men to die
and go to war.
She says, "But what about
nice things? I want nice things."
"Alright, yeah. OK, fair enough."
So he makes the economy
and he builds skyscrapers
Yeah, big fucking dicks
in the sky, man.
She says, "Why have you got all that
stuff? I want some of that stuff.
"Why do I have to sit in this
massive house you built me all day?"
So, men go, "OK, yeah. No, fair
enough. I can appreciate that.
"Why don't you come in?
Why don't you be part of this thing?"
"I want half of it."
"Yeah, OK, fine.
"No, I understand that. Here you go.
"Why don't you come in and be half of
this thing? I think you're great."
"Ugh! Stop harassing me!
Get the fuck out.
"This is all mine now. Get out."
"That's not really on, is it?
"I built all this
just to impress you."
"I don't care. Get out.
This is all mine now."
Why the fuck
should women be with men
if they can't offer them anything?
-What is the point?
-That's exactly what I'm saying!
You're agreeing. You're agreeing.
Basically, men built the world
so women would fuck them
and then women are like,
"Give me this world you've built.
"Oh, and also,
we don't wanna fuck you anymore."
-(LAUGHS)
-Would be the argument.
OK.
-Are you married?
-That's my wife.
-Yeah, we are. Yeah.
-I'm just trying to liven things up.
It is actually quite depressing.
-(SUZIE LAUGHS)
-Let's dance.
Let's do it.
You're welcome. I'm going for a piss.
Look after my phone, will you?
All your family are thieves.
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
PHIL: She's made me do this.
(SINGS) A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How that music
used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make
those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy
for a while
But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step ♪
(PIANO MELODY CONTINUES)
(LIGHT TINKLING)
(HAND SLAPS)
(SINGS) So, bye-bye,
Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee
but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys
were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin'
"This'll be the day that I die,
"This'll be the day that I die." ♪
PHIL: Come on!
Did you write the book of love
And you have faith in God above? ♪
Forget it, by the way.
I'm not doing it anymore.
No papers, no present for Archie.
I'm tired of being the arsehole.
YOU be the arsehole.
Well, I know that
you're in love with him
'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues
Lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation
and a pick-up truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died ♪
Big-time.
We were gonna stay at the hotel
but it's, like, 300 quid
and we'd rather just put that
on a deposit for a holiday.
Oh, it's better here anyway
so he can be sick.
What the fuck
does she keep in this room?
-Have you ever looked in here?
-No.
At least she doesn't
keep this out anymore.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Oh, my God.
She's so mental.
When this was my room,
she used to, like, come in
and ask me if she should leave Dad.
-Did she ever do that to you?
-No.
Um Thanks. She'd come in
and she'd be hammered.
She'd be like, "Do you think
I should leave your father?
"You do, don't you?"
Fucking hell. What did you say?
I don't know. I was 10.
-Did you say yeah?
-No, it wasn't me, Arch.
Dad left Mum.
The walls are pretty thin.
He's actually
He's told me not to tell you 'cause
he doesn't want you to do favourites,
but he's giving me and Shane, like,
15 grand for a deposit on a house.
You know, he's actually
sorted a lot out.
(LAUGHS) 15!
OK, but do you actually know
Why have you gotta
shit on everything?
I'm not. It's just
It might not be a lot of money
to you, but
-OK, but it's Dad.
-It's a wedding present.
'Cause don't say anything,
but I reckon I'm up the wotsit.
Are you fucking joking?
You've been wankered all day.
Well, yeah, that's why
I haven't done a test.
I'm not not gonna drink
at my wedding, am I?
But you know you shouldn't drink
whilst you're pregnant, Arch.
Well, I figured a lot don't stick,
do they?
And I reckon if this one can survive
all the shit that I throw at it,
then it really wants to survive
and have a go at life, you know?
Anyway, we're all happy
at the minute.
(WHISPERS) I could drive him
back to the hotel.
-I haven't drunk anything.
-No, he knows where he is here.
-(INHALES DEEPLY)
-Yeah. OK, good.
-Frank
-No, it's alright. It's alright.
I want you to fuck this bloodline
out of me.
Let's get these bad boys off.
This is fucking sexy
when I take it off.
-I'll bet it is.
-It's fucking sexy.
Come on, then.
-It takes quite a long time.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Well, hurry up.
-There it is. Oh!
-Wow.
-Merry Christmas.
-Pretty fucking hot, right?
-Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. You just wait.
You just wait. Oh, yeah.
I love your hair.
Oh, well, you're in luck, baby,
'cause there's plenty more
where that came from.
Ah. I thought you loved my hair.
I do love your hair.
I just I wanna see your face.
(MOANS)
Oh, hello.
Were you bitten by a shark?
-It's a caesarean scar.
-Oh.
What? It was a long time ago.
Oh, God, it's not dead, is it?
What? No.
She's on holiday in Greece. She's 17.
Oh, wow.
This is, uh, like,
my first night out since I was 20.
Welcome back.
Stop.
Oh, fuck.
(DOOR OPENS IN DISTANCE)
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-KAREN: Shh! You dirty sod.
-COB: Just I think it's
-KAREN: Get off! (LAUGHS)
-KAREN: Phil
-Did you hear that?
-PHIL: Get up those stairs
-Did you hear that?
-Shh, shh, shh, shh.
-Oh, my God!
(KAREN GIGGLES)
(HEAD BANGS)
Just
No, no, no, no. Oh, my God.
It's Mum and Dad.
It's fucking Mum and Dad.
It's not ideal.
-I think we broke your mum's sink.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, you set off, then,
you, alright?
Mum, I'm gonna transfer
15 grand to Dad,
so just make sure Archie gets
that full 15, yeah?
-Yeah, I heard you.
-Yeah, but how are you gonna do that?
I don't know.
I'll look at the bank, won't I?
But you don't have access
to Archie's bank account.
Just ask her how much Dad gives her
and make sure it's the full 15, yeah?
-Yes?
-Yeah. Alright, alright.
It's a bit early. Go on. Go on.
Off you go before it gets busy.
PHIL: Karen, make us a tea, love.
Everyone had to stop over
last night. Bloody madhouse.
Alright, I'll see you later.
See you. 'Bye.
Ta-ra, love. Off you go.
(BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
(MAN SINGS) Sonny got a job
and Jean left home
Jackie took a chance ♪
NAOMI: Hello, Pickles.
Can I bum a ciggie before we go
get fingered in the railway arches?
I think we should stop talking
like that in front of him, OK?
I'm worried that
he's absorbing stuff all the time
like a big sanitary towel
full of my gross
Bleugh.
You mean stuff like that?
I need you to get me something
from the chemist.
The morning after pill.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Slag.
Come on.
I'll say this
I miss you more every day
Daylight, it leads me back your way
Falling into my mind again
I'll say this
I miss you more, my friend
Sonny got a job and Jean left home
Jackie took a chance
and went in alone
And I can feel the road
under my feet
Years flew by in the pouring rain
And I can hear you calling my name
And I can feel the road
under my feet
Wake me up when the morning comes
Wake me up and watch me run ♪
I really want to be in a musical.
I think they'll offer, you know.
No, I mean all the time.
It leads me back your way ♪
I know. S-S-Sorry.
Alright. (GRUNTS)
I miss you, my old friend
Sonny got a job and Jean left home
Jackie took a chance
and went in alone ♪
Years flew by
In the pouring rain
And I can hear you
calling my name ♪
Wake me up
When the morning comes ♪